Confronted Jokes
72 confronted jokes and hilarious confronted puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about confronted that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Confronted Short Jokes
Short confronted jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The confronted humour may include short confronts jokes also.
- I gave a homeless guy $5 today I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he's just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
- A cop is confronted by a white guy with a gun and a black guy with a nerf bat. Who does he shoot first? The bystander with the camera.
- I saw my girlfriend with another guy at the mall. I was about to confront them but I managed to calm myself down. That wouldn't be a good example to set in front of my wife and kids.
- Protip: If you're looking for a needle in a haystack... ...you should probably be more concerned about confronting your horse concerning his drug problem
- So I came home today to find a homeless guy munching biscuits over my PC cabinet. When I confronted him he said he'd clear the cookies later.
- What's the first thing you should do when confronted by an evil spirit? Try to neghostiate.
- My next door neighbour just stole my gate and I want to confront him about it But I'm worried he might take a fence
- I don't know how to help my friend.... I don't know how to help my friend.... he's addicted to drinking brake fluid.
When I confront him he just tells me he "can stop any time he wants." - When Princess Meghan confronted Prince Harry about spending their wedding evening polishing his plate mail... Harry said, "What!? You told me, all you ever wanted was a night in, shining armour!"
- I caught a friend betting on a hospitalized children's limbo contest... When I confronted him, I asked, "HOW LOW CAN YOU GO?"
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Confronted One Liners
Which confronted one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with confronted? I can suggest the ones about faced and facing.
- I confronted a mime today. He did unspeakable things.
- Why did the vegan avoid the confrontation? He didn't want any beef.
- Why is the number 4 considered a pushover? Because 4 is two squared of confrontation.
- "I've never been good at dealing with confrontation." "Pardon?"
"Nothing." - Hugh Laurie was confronted by a police officer at his door. It was a House arrest.
- Whenever I confront the messy baker I'm always walking on eggshells.
- My roomate confronted me today suspicious that I had been stealing from her laundry.
- How do you laugh when escaping a confrontation with a redhead? ZEHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
- What does the Chinese Homer Simpson say when confronted by math? Tau!
- What do you call a confrontational mushroom? A s**...-talky mushroom.
Experience Good Cheer with Hilarious Confronted Jokes and Friends
What funny jokes about confronted you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean interrogated jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make confronted pranks.
A husband and wife are having s**......
The husband secretly records everything. He puts it up online, only for his wife to find out about it a week later.
She confronts him, saying: "What is the world coming to these days?"
The husband responds, "Us."
At a cocktail party...
an obstetrician's wife noticed that another guest, a big, oversexed blonde in a slinky red dress, was making overtures at her husband. As it was a large, informal gathering, she tried to laugh it off, until she saw the woman begin whispering into her husband's ear while her hand caressed his back.
At once she confronted the blonde b**... and screamed, "Look, lady! My husband just delivers babies, he doesn't INSTALL them!"
Paybacktime
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him.
"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye
A man went hunting in Alaska.
A man was hunting in Alaska when he found himself confronted by a small, agitated bear. In order to survive, he shot it. Feeling hungry, he decided to utilize it and cook dinner in the woods.
It was tasty, even though it was a little grizzly.
A police officer confronts a man who he thinks is high on m**....
"How high are you?" He asks.
"No,you said it wrong, it's 'Hi! How are you?'"
Ronald Reagan's Memory
One day a reporter confronted Ronald Reagan about a previous statement he had made. "Mr. President, you said that you would resign if your memory started to fade," the reporter said. Reagan smiled and replied, "I don't remember saying that."
A woman walking down the city sidewalk with an adult lion is confronted by a police officer
He: "Lady, you must take that animal directly to the zoo!"
She: "I will do that right away, officer."
The next day, the officer is exasperated to see her and the lion walking down the sidewalk again.
He: "I told you to get that animal to the zoo!"
She: "That was yesterday. Today we are going to the beach."
Slightly adapted for translation
A black guy walks into a gun shop and asks the fellow behind the counter:
-Do you have rifles?
-No.
-Do you have shotguns?
-No.
-Pistols?
-No.
Confused, the black guy exits the shop and realizes the shop has all those items on display. Angered, he runs in and confronts the seller:
-What do you have against black people?!
-Rifles, shotguns, pistols...
A salesman with a bad lisp...
came to my front door today. He was giving away a coupon for either free cologne or a free abortion. When I confronted him about it, he simply explained "Eidah way, you're gonna clear tha w**...."
After being elected President, Bernie Sanders confronted...
...General Keith B. Alexander (the head of the NSA) and asked him on what grounds he wanted to continue observing the American people's cell phone/internet communications.
The General sighed and shook his head. "Some men just want to watch the world, Bern."
Three burglars break into a building and are confronted by a soldier, a cop, and a politician.
The politician tells the soldier to kill Burglar #1, and the two stab each other to death.
The politician then tells the cop to arrest Burglar #2, and the two beat each other unconscious.
The politician then walks up to Burglar #3 and says "I just saved your life, your freedom, and tripled your share of the loot. I think 20% is a fair cut."
My therapist told me..
My therapist told me that I have a fear of confrontation.
I didn't agree with her but I held my tongue in case it caused an argument.
What does a college kid do when confronted by an evil spirit?
He drinks it just like he drinks every other kind of spirit.
A man comes to the entrance of Heaven
A man comes to the entrance of Heaven and is told, "You haven't done anything good, but you haven't done anything bad either. If you can tell me of something amazing you have done, I will let you in."
The man replies, "Well, one time I was driving down the road and I saw some gang members threatening a young lady in an alleyway. I stopped and confronted them. I walked up to the biggest looking dude and slapped him and said, 'You need to leave this young lady alone, or I'm going to kick your a**...!'"
The man at the entrance to heaven asked him, "When did this happen?"
The guy replies, "About five minutes ago."
Playing doctor
Susie and Johnny were playing doctor, when Susie suddenly started crying and ran to her mother.
Later the Susie's mother confronted the Johnny's mother. "My Susie said that your Johnny was playing doctor with her!".
Johnny's mother responded calmly, "that's OK, kids are always exploring. I wouldn't worry about it."
Susie's mom screamed out, "but he took out her appendix!"
They say when confronted by a bear, the best thing to do is play dead, so when I came face to face with one in the woods the other day, I accidentally played dad instead...
Now it can ride a bike without training wheels...
A village of mathematical functions is slumbering
when suddenly the alarm bells ring:
a rogue differential operator has been sighted.
Fearing for their life, the functions run away or try to hide, but a brave function stands its ground and confronts the aggressor: I am e to the x, you cannot do anything to me! Go away!
The differential operator calmly replies: but I am d over dt, and proceeds to s**... the poor exponential.
A priest was confronted by a p**....
"Do want a q**... for ten bucks?"
Not knowing what it was, he said no. When he got back to the monastery, his curiosity got the better of him. So he asked a nun, "what's a q**...?"
The nun replied "Ten bucks same as in town."
There was a family of balloons...
Daddy Balloon, Mummy Balloon, and Baby Balloon.
One night, Baby Balloon crept into his parents' bedroom. He carefully undid Daddy's knot and deflated him a little.
Then he did the same to Mummy. Then he undid his own knot and let some air out.
The next morning Daddy Balloon confronted him.
"Baby Balloon, we are very disappointed in you. You let me down. You let your mother down. But worst of all...
You let yourself down!"
Two nuns walking through the park were confronted by a f**....
The 85-year-old nun immediately had a s**.... The younger one didn't touch it.
My friends know me as sweet, funny, and non-confrontational
And my enemies know me as sweet, funny, and non-confrontational
I had a girlfriend and her favorite Pixar movie was "Up".
This was 2010 and she had it on blue ray, and we would watch it at least once a week at her apartment. But after like the 40th time, I confronted her and said I was tired of watching. The argument got heated; it didn't help that we were drunk. Suddenly, she pushed me and I fell on something. I turned and saw the disk broken; she cried hysterically.
At this moment, I knew, we broke Up...
A man decided to get a DNA test
When the results came, he confronted his parents because he found they weren't his real parents.
His mom, shocked and confused, tried to understand what had happened while his father tried to calm her down.
"I thought you knew" said the father.
"What do you mean?? How was I supposed to know he's not our son??" answered the mother.
The father calmly explained "Well, when we were leaving the hospital, he s**... himself and you told me to go back and change it"
Whenever I try to confront my wife about blueballing me, she always cuts me off
I hate it that she never lets me finish
Mom got a s**... change operation
After being unhappy for many years my mother came to me and said she was going to get a s**... change operation. I didn't fully understand but I was very supportive throughout the whole operation, then he came home.
That's when it all started, all the time all day long horrible dad jokes, terrible puns and all around just awful humor. After a few weeks and being fed up, I realized something and I confronted them.
"Did you seriously just have a s**... change operation just for the dad jokes?!" I asked.
He replied, "Oh you could see right through me, I must be so trans-parent."
After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the neighbor's boy,
the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear and dragged him to his house and confronted his mother. It's only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality by playing doctor at their age, the neighbor said. Sexuality?! the mother yelled. He took out her appendix!
A Mother found out her daughter is pregnant
A Mother found out her daughter is pregnant, she confronted her.
"How did this happen? I told you to take measures"
"I did took measures and went with the longest one."
Thomas Edison stole the design for a film-playing box from Tesla. Tesla confronted Edison about it, but instead of apologizing he accused Tesla of trying to steal his idea.
Classic case of projection
Grandpa was right...
"...when he told me not to go to the s**... club, because there I'd be confronted with things I didn't want to see."
"Why, what did you see there?"
"My grandpa."
After days of getting the cold shoulder from his wife, Larry finally confronted her.
"Admit it," he said. "The only reason you married me is because my grandfather left me a million dollars."
"Don't be ridiculous!" she shot back. "I don't care who left the money with you."
A robber enters an old couple's home in the middle of the night...
As he is grabbing things, the couple wake up and confront him. The robber has a gun and says he would have left quietly but now he is gonna have to kill them.
"But before I do that," says the robber, "I want to know your names. What's your name, woman?"
"Linda," the wife replies meekly.
"Well, that's my mother's name. I can't kill you." Then he turns to the husband and says, "And what's your name?"
"Frank, but everybody in town calls me Linda."
I was eating a cheeseburger when I was confronted by a vegan.
The vegan said I should give up killing and eating cows, he said I should start eating vegan. If prepared right, you will get more vitamins and enjoy it more.
At the end of the day, he was right, cooked properly, he was delicious.
I saw my girlfriend with another guy at the mall, I was about to confront them and kick the guys' a**....
But it wouldn't be a good example to set in front of my wife and kids.
I tried to confront my friend about his s**... attraction to plants
But he kept on beating behind the bush
A man thinks that his wife is losing her hearing
He is getting very frustrated with her because of it, but she denies it when he confronts her about it. So one day he decides to set up an experiment to prove it to her.
He takes her out to the field behind their house and he places his wife at 100 yards away from him and shouts Dolores! He waits for her response, but nothing comes.
He moves 50 yards closer and shouts Dolores! Still no response from her.
Finally he moves 5 feet away from her and shouts Dolores!
What?! She cries For the third time WHAT?!?
A homeless man was urinating beside a car
A man was urinating beside a car, when a foreigner spots him
He comes up to him and confronts the homeless man in broken English
Foreigner: "Wouldn't the police hold you?"
Homeless man: "No, we have to hold it ourself"
Guy was driving in the outback.
He decides he needs a break and finds a bar off the beaten track and parks his truck..
He goes i and was confronted by a lot off p**... up bikers.
They started insulting him, so he had one beer then left.
The bikers started shouting, he was not such of a man was he.?
The barman said not much of a driver either, he has just run over 21 motorcycles.
Not This Time
A man is blessed with four beautiful daughters but he always wanted a son. So he and his wife get to work and they try and try and finally are able to conceive a son. When the son is born, it's one ugly baby. The husband is visibly upset and suspects his wife cheated on him and decides to confront her. "We have 4 beautiful daughters and now look at our son. He is as ugly as can be. I want you to tell me the truth, did you cheat on me." His wife looks at him and says, "No my dear, not this time!"
An angry man enters a bar.
The man begins shouting that all lawyers are a**..., exclaiming give me a lawyer, I'll show you there an a**....
This goes on until finally a man sitting at the bar comes over and confronts him.
He states you know, I resent that.
To which the angry man responds what, are you a lawyer?!
No, I'm an a**....
A joke I was told by an old man I golfed with.
A man was at the bar with a couple of his neighbors. One of his friends says "Have you seen that new pool boy the Johnsons hired? I heard he's had his way with all the women in the neighborhood except one."
Worried, the man goes home and confronts his wife. "Honey I heard the new pool boy has had with every woman in the neighborhood except one, do you know anything about that?" She replies "hmm, I bet it's Betty, she's a real p**...."
God vs Satan
In contrast to popular beliefs, Heaven and h**... dont lie above each other, but next to each other.
Because God didnt want people be tempted to cross sides, he came to an agreement with Satan: they would have a wall build and split the bill afterwards.
Ofcourse as you could imagin when the wall was build, Satan plays deaf and dumb when it comes to the bill.
After some time God is fed up with Satan's behaviour and confronts him. "If you dont pay your share, i'll sue you!"
Satan shrugs and laughs: "what are you going to do? I got all the lawyers here"
Beware of DNA tests!
In England, young Robert Keystone Townsend II, was given a DNA test from a friend for his birthday, which revealed a terrible family secret: His father was not his actual father, but still related somehow. When confronted with the question of why this horrible truth was hidden from him for so long, his parents replied that they told him hundreds of times that "Bob's your Uncle!"
A couple moves into an apartment and decides to paper the living room.
They ask their neighbor, who has the same size living room, if he had ever papered his room and how many rolls he bought. The neighbor answers "Eleven".
So the couple buys 11 rolls of expensive wall paper and gets to work. To their surprise, after 8 rolls the living room is finished. Annoyed, they confront their neighbor about the 3 wasted rolls.
He replies "Huh. That happened to you too?"
A woman with a baby and she decides to take the bus...
When she enters the bus, the bus driver says "thats an ugly baby." The now furious woman goes to sit in the back of the bus, the man beside her notices that she is mad and he askes what the problem was. The woman said "the bus driver insulted me" so the man responded with "really... you should go confront the driver, i'll hold your monkey for you."
A man walks into a bar and sees a large jar full of £20 notes and a large piece of meat hanging from the ceiling
He confronts the bartender about it, and he explains.
'You put your £20 note in the jar, and then you get 3 jumps where you can try and grab that beef on the ceiling. If you get it, you can keep it and all the money in the jar.'
The man thought about for the moment, shook his head regretfully, and said,
'Nah, the steaks are too high.'
A lad named Jack confronts his alcoholic father
You s**... old man, our last name is Inoff you did this on purpose!
His father replies Nah I named you after Jack Daniels. But that's pretty d**... funny too!
Vladimir Putin confronts his speechwriter after giving a speech.
You said my speech would be 15 minutes long, but I had to speak for 45 minutes! Putin exclaims.
His speechwriter replies: Mr President, I gave you three copies.
A 50 year old Lawyer dies, and is confronted by St. Peter at the pearly gates
The lawyer says - "There must be some kind of a mix-up! I'm in great health, I didn't have an accident, and I'm much too young to die!"
St. Peter says - "Well, I have the last 25 years of your client billing records here - and they indicate you must be at least 84 years old"
A mechanic was secretly drinking brake fluid at the garage where he worked. On some days he would even drink a whole pint of the stuff. One day his boss found out and confronted him about it.
The mechanic said It won't become a problem, boss, I swear I can stop whenever I want!
What is the Roman Empire?
In the heart of the bustling Roman Empire, there was a philosopher known for his wisdom, humor, and the ability to make light of the most complex issues. One day, a curious citizen confronted him, asking "What exactly is the Roman Empire?"
The philosopher paused for a moment before saying, "Imagine a man trying to wrestle a lion. The man is strong and well-prepared, but he is, after all, merely a man. The lion is wild, ferocious, and barely within his control. Yet, the man does not back down; he dives headfirst into the tangle, figuring out how to tackle it as he goes along. That, my friend, is the Roman Empire."
The citizen blinked and asked, "So, we're the man in this scenario, right? Struggling against the fierce lion that is the vast world?"
"No, not exactly," chuckled the philosopher. "You see, the man is the Roman Empire, always seeking to overcome, control, and rule, even when the odds seem overwhelming. The lion, rather, represents the infinite sea of cultures, lands, and people that the Empire constantly tangles with."
"But what if the lion eventually wins?" queried the citizen, now intrigued.
"Well," the philosopher answered with a mischievous glint in his eye, "Then the joke's on us, isn't it?"
The gathered crowd erupted into laughter, appreciating the wit and wisdom tied into the punchline. After all, understanding the Roman Empire didn't just involve historical facts and figures; sometimes, it was just about appreciating the irony!
