Confirmed Jokes
77 confirmed jokes and hilarious confirmed puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about confirmed that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Confirmed Short Jokes
Short confirmed jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The confirmed humour may include short confirmation jokes also.
- Enter password: 'snowflake' Confirm password: 'snowflake'
Error, your passwords are not alike - Greta Thunberg has just been confirmed as a huge polluter. Her Tweet to Tater-Tot was easily the biggest burn in history.
- NASA confirmed that, in the end of the afternoon of day 21, the skies are going to be very dark. It's a phenomenon called "Night".
- BREAKING NEWS: Ethiopian falls into crocodile pond 17 crocodiles confirmed dead so far, with ethiopian still actively feeding.
- People give anti-vaxxers a hard time, but they gave us one important thing... A control group for our studies confirming that vaccines do not cause autism.
- Rescue attempts are being made to save a bull stranded on Mt. Everest Reports confirm that the steaks have never been higher.
- Police have confirmed that the man who tragically fell from the roof of an 18th floor Nightclub... He was not a bouncer.
- Grant Imahara walks up to the pearly gates... As he looks around, confused, a booming voice speaks to him across the clouds...
...Myth confirmed. - I tried to research what the term confirmation bias means All I found was a bunch of fake news, so I stopped reading
- Scientists confirmed today that anteaters are incapable of contracting Covid... Apparently they're filled with anty-bodies
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Confirmed One Liners
Which confirmed one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with confirmed? I can suggest the ones about proof and completed.
- This pregnancy test I just took confirmed my worst fear. I'm just fat.
- Ever since I first learned about confirmation bias I've been seeing it everywhere.
- When you understand confirmation bias... ...you'll start noticing it everywhere.
- I got sick from a fist bump it's the first confirmed case of ebrola
- I promised a girl I'd make her viral A couple weeks later, her doctor confirmed it
- Whats the worst thing you could say as a doctor? I have over 300 confirmed kills
- Jeb Bush Unanimously Confirmed by Senate for Secretary of Low Energy.
- 8th Harry Potter book confirmed, you'll never believe who wrote it... J.K.
- Create new password: Tomato Confirm new password: Tomato
Passwords don't match. - Can confirm: England Does have a 4th of July And we even get it first!
- Autopsy confirms george michael choked on a chocolate bar It was a Careless Whisper
- I don't need confirmation for what I do... ... right guys?
- I got engaged for the third time today Half Wife 3 confirmed.
- walter white confirmed the breaking bad film heisenberg is no more uncertain about it
- I had a Vasectomy yesterday, and I can confirm... It's a real ball ache.
Half Life 3 Confirmed Jokes
Here is a list of funny half life 3 confirmed jokes and even better half life 3 confirmed puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- 2+2=4 minus 1 thats 3 Half life 3 confirmed.....
- Half life 3 confirmed!!!!!!!!!!iiiiiiiii! Durr
- Valve Half-life 3 confirmed
- HALF-LIFE 3 CONFIRMED!!!!! lol
- Gabe Newell! Gabe Newell lived from 1962 until Half-Life 3, confirmed!
- 3 middle aged men walk into a notary office. Half life 3 confirmed.
Hilarious Fun Confirmed Jokes to Bring Joy & Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about confirmed you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean confidence jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make confirmed pranks.
Probably already been said, but it made me chuckle when I thought of it.
A man has been found dead in central London this evening, reports confirm the man died due to being stabbed with a triangular knife.
Police are calling it an isoscelated incident.
Friendship: Men vs. Women
Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The suspicious husband called his wife's 10 best friends. none of them knew about it.
Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The suspicious woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
A Rabbi, a Priest, and a Pastor make a bet.
They say, "Whoever goes into the woods and converts the most dangerous animal, wins". So a week goes by and they all return. The Pastor comes back with a rattlesnake and says "He goes to church every week!". The priest comes back with cougar and says "His first he's getting confirmed next month!". The Rabbi comes back in a full body cast and says " You know, I probably shouldn't have tried to circumcise a bear."
3 priests at lunch
So three priests are out to lunch.
One priest goes off about his problem with bats at his church,
"I've tried everything to get rid of them, they just won't leave."
The second priest relates to the first,
"I know! I've tried everything! Cats, spray, noise, light. They just won't go away."
The third priest says,
"Well, I baptized my bats; confirmed them and made them the newest members of my parish, haven't seen one since."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
4-way car c**... reported in Mexico City.
86 confirmed dead.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bros v. h**...
A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.
A man doesn't come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.
A Wife spends the night at a "friend's" house
The next morning, her husband wants to be sure she isn't cheating, so he calls 10 of her friends to ask if she slept there, none of them confirm. A week later, the husband spends the night at a "friend's" house, his wife calls 10 of his friends, 7 of them confirm he slept there and 3 say he's still there sleeping.
A town decided to form a clergy group to have Catholics, Jews, Protestants and Muslims gather to talk about various issues facing their places of worship.
The Rabbi went first and said they were having a terrible issue with squirrels. He said they were hanging around outside of church and aggressively begging for food. He said they were scaring their kids. The preacher said they were having the same issue, in fact, a few of the squirrels had actually gotten inside of the church and had done some damage to the roof. The Imam agreed saying that in fact one of the squirrels had bitten a few people at the mosque. The Priest then spoke up and said they used to have the same issue but had solved it. He said they took all of their squirrels, Baptized them, confirmed them, and now they only come around on Christmas and Easter.
Scientists say there are now 4 confirmed states of matter
Solid matter
Liquid matter
Gas matter
and most recently...
Black Lives matter
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Science confirm that humans can ingest deadly poison or even molten lava.
Once
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Doctors have confirmed that m**... is life threatening
Many men have died after having a s**...
I dated a greek girl during my latest archeology expedition
Radioactivity measurements of her remains confirmed she lived around 700BC
Air traffic control - Flight 417, please confirm your location, over
Pilot - This is Flight 417, we are in the sky, over
As a supplier for paramilitary troops, i can confirm...
Nobody has ever complained about their parachute not opening mid-flight.
Friendship between men and women
Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends, 8 of which confirmed that he had slept over, and 2 said that he was still there.
Have you heard about the barefoot frail wizard with bad breath?
Well it's the first confirmed case of a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The US Military today confirmed that two m**... users were killed when an aircraft crashed into a house shortly after takeoff.
Experts are saying it's the first recorded instance of killing two stoners with one bird.
There is a conspiracy theory that claims Princess Diana was on the radio after her reported death.
I'd like to confirm this was completely true, she WAS on the radio, and the dashboard, the steering wheel, the back of the seats and the windscreen.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friend told he's been diagnosed with h**..., and has to go for a retest to confirm the results.
I told him to stay positive.
I want to know if this brazillian joke makes sense in other cultures
A woman went out and did not return home. On the next day she told her husband that she had slept at her friend's house. Not believing her, the husband called 10 of her best friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.
A man went out and did not return home. On the next day, he told his wife he had slept at his friend's house. Not believing him, the wife called 10 of his best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had spent the night there and the other 2 said he was still there.
Caitlyn Jenner decathlon joke
Caitlyn Jenner recently confirmed that when she won the decathlon gold medal, she was, in fact, absolutely 100 heterosexual.
She wanted to set the record straight.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A study has found that people who smoke cannabis have s**... 20% more often than people who don't. I can confirm this is true.
I've been having a lot more s**... since I got caught with all that w**... and sent to prison.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
This whole pandemic is a conspiracy.
This whole pandemic is a conspiracy.
The Altoids Corporation teamed up with the makers of Tic-Tacs and Listerene Breath Strips and made this virus in a lab in Wu-Tang so that all the rest of us would be forced to smell our own stank-a**... breath and buy millions of dollars worth of mints.
Illu-mint-ati Confirmed.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A wealthy billionaire dies, and his final wish is to be buried with his money.
So, at the f**... reception, the widow is speaking with guests when the matter of the billionaire's last wish comes up. The widow confirms that she honored her late husband's request.
A friend says to the widow, "You really buried him with billions of dollars?!", and the widow replies, "Of course, I wrote him a check."
I tried an At Home Covid Test
Instructions:
1. Open a can of beer and try to smell it.
2. If you can smell the beer, drink it to see if you can taste it.
3. If you can smell it and taste it, this confirms that you don't have the Covid.
Last night, I did the test 19 times and all were negative. Tonight, I am going to do the test again because this morning I woke up with a headache and I feel like I'm coming down with something.
Adam Johnson, the man pictured carrying House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's lectern during the Capitol riot, has been arrested in Florida
His lawyer has confirmed that at trial he will not be taking the stand.
The difference between a man and a woman's friends.
A wife did not come home one night and the next day the husband was furious. She swore she spent the night at a girlfriend's house.
The husband called 10 of his wife's closest friends and none of them knew what he was talking about.
To get her back he did not come home the next night. The next day his wife met him at the door furious at him. He swore he spent the night at his buddy's house.
She called 10 of his closest friends. 8 of them confirmed that he spent the night at their house, two of them swore that he was still there sound asleep.
I noticed a man passed out drunk so I stopped to check he was breathing I can confirm he was breathing.
I also checked his pockets and I can confirm he now has no money.
Everyone knows the story of "doubting Thomas" and his reaction to the death and resurrection of Christ
He was famously known for insisting on seeing the wounds for himself, and while most think it was because he didn't believe the stories he was hearing, I know it was because he wanted to confirm that Jesus was indeed a holey man.
An engineer and a machinist are tasked with drilling a hole into a the deck of a ship.
They arrive on site, the engineer confirms the position of the hole, the machinist starts drilling. Before they reach the required depth, oil starts spewing out the flutes of the drill bit -- they've drilled into the oil tank.
"How're we gonna explain this to the boss?" -- asks the machinist.
"Look, buddy, I have no idea what *we* are gonna do, but what *I'm* gonna do is move that hole 5 inches to the left on the blueprint."
Bad eye sight (Possibly a repost but I didn't want to keep scrolling past page 30276 to confirm)
Patient: doctor i think my eye sight is deteriorating. I cant see very far
Doctor: really? come over to the window. Now what is that big round yellow thing in the sky?
Patient: well that's the sun
Doctor: yep! so how much further do you want to see
A woman went out for drinks one night and didn't come home till morning.
The next day she told her husband she had slept over at a friend's house. The man, not believing her, decided to call his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.
The following week it was the man's turn not to come home one night. The following day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman, not believing him, called her husband's 10 best friends. Seven of them confirmed that he had slept over - and three said that he was still there.
Two guys were in an English pub.
They called the publican over to settle an argument.
"Are there two pints in a quart or four?" asked one.
"There are two pints in a quart" confirmed the publican.
They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for their order.
"Two pints miss, and they are on the house."
The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous, so one of the guys called out to the publican at the other end of the bar, "You did say two pints, didn't you?"
"That's right," he called back, "two pints."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What is a Pie?
Since Pi = 3.14159
and e = 2.71828
so Pie = Pi x e
hence pie = 8.539721265
A friend and I were discussing Pie and I came up with this joke
I thought it was funny and she said it is the most pathetic joke she has ever heard
So Just looking for a confirmation how pathetic it really is.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy walks into a bar
A confirmed bachelor walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I enjoy my life," he says to the bartender. "But sometimes I can't help but wonder what it would be like to be married." "I can help with that," the bartender replies. "Go find a woman who doesn't want to have s**... with you. Then buy her a house."
A horse goes to the vet complaining about stomach pains.
After some tests, the vet confirms it's a parasite. He gives the horse a prescription and tells him to come back if the problem persists.
The horse looks at the prescription, and becomes visibly nervous. "A dewomer? Are you sure it's safe?"
"Positive," says the vet, "it's been tested on people."
A man sits down next to a woman on a bus
The man starts flirting with her, and in the course of their conversation she admits that she's a nymphomaniac.
"Oh really," says the man, instantly more engaged in their conversation.
"Yeah", she confirms, "but I'm only attracted to Jewish cowboys. Anyway, my name is Mary-Beth, what's your name?"
The man shakes her hand and says, "nice to meet you, Mary-Beth, my name is Yosemite Goldstein."
\[cr
Pope in Hotel
The Pope is on a "business trip".
In the hotel,he asked his secretary if the hotel had a sauna, and the secretary confirmed.
The pope says: "ok, let's go to the sauna."
The secretary is shocked, "Your Holiness, it's a mixed sauna!"
Pope: "Since when are you afraid of Protestants?"
A lawyer was interviewing a doctor about the death of a patient
"When you examined the patient, did you check his pulse?" asked the lawyer.
"I didn't" said the doctor.
"And did you listen for a heartbeat?" said the lawyer.
"No, I did not" the doctor said.
"So in other words" the lawyer said "When you signed the death certificate you had NOT taken adequate steps to confirm he was dead."
"Well, let me put it this way," said the doctor- "At that point, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk. But for all I know I guess he could've been out practicing law somewhere!"
A pastor is looking forward to dinner with a family in his congregation….
After church on Sunday, the pastor approaches the family and confirms their dinner the coming Friday. After making small talk for a few minutes, the pastor turns to the couple's 5yo. Have your parents told you what they will be making for us on Friday?
The child thinks a second and replies, Goat.
The pastor squinted and exclaimed Goat?
As the parents are speaking up to clarify, the child cuts in loudly. Yeah, yesterday I heard Mommy tell Daddy that Friday is as good a day as any to have the old goat for dinner!
