Confident Jokes

Following is our collection of enable puns and stern one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Confident jokes for adults, dirty professors jokes and clean proud dad gags for kids.

The Best Confident Puns

One guy wrote on his FB status:

"Last night, even after having 7 drinks I felt confident to drive, but l acted responsibly & took an Uber."

400 Likes, 40 Comments. But the best comment was from his best friend:

"Where did you go in UBER bro, party was in your house"

An Apple store got robbed last night and $250,000 worth of equipment was stolen.

Police are confident they can recover both the stolen machines.

A boy asked his father...

"Dad, what's the difference between confidence, and confidential?"
The father thinks for a moment and says, "You are my son, and that I am confident of. Your friend billy is also my son but that's confidential."

An American man meets a woman while on a business trip to Paris. She barely speaks any English, but their date goes well...

During sex, she is moaning and basically screaming C'est le mauvais trou . He is emboldened and confident, seeing how much he's pleasing her. Over and over again, C'est le mauvais trou!

The next day, he's playing golf with a client who hits an amazing hole in one. Eager to use his new compliment, the man says C'est le mauvais trou!

The client replies What the hell do you mean that's the wrong hole?!

A young boy asks his dad, What is the difference between confident and confidential?

The dad replies, You are my son, I'm confident about that. But see your friend over there? He is also my son. That's confidential.


A mathematician wasn't too confident about his appearance...

So he asked his friend to compare his good looks in terms he could understand.
After little thought his friend says: "You're about as good looking as you are bad looking."
"Well that's just mean."

This year I resolve to be more confident and assertive...

...if that's ok with you guys.

Little johnny was asking his dad

J: Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential

D: Well, it's difficult to explain, so let me give you an example. You are my son - I'm confident about that.

J: How about confidential?

D: You see our neighbour little Timmy over there? He's my son - that's confidential

Right and Wrong

Mrs Cameron, a primary teacher, was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.

"All right children, let's take an example," Mrs Cameron said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?"

Little Tony raises his hand, and with a confident smile says, "You'd be his wife."

Sleeping with POTUS

The night before the election, Mitt Romney was very confident & told his Wife Ann; "...this time tomorrow night, you'll be sleeping with the
President of the United States". After Mitt's concession speech, they headed to bed. Ann was getting undressed when she asked,.."...so how does this work? Is Barrack coming over here or I'm supposed
to go over there?"

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist...

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with.
The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses.


A Grand Prize

I phoned my local radio station today.

When the guy answered the phone he said, "Congratulations on being our 1st caller, all you have to do is answer the next question correctly to win our grand prize."

"Wahoo!" I shouted in delight.

"It's a Maths question," he said. "Feeling
confident?"


"I've got a degree in Maths and I teach it at my local school," I proudly replied.

"Okay then, to win 2 VIP tickets to see Justin Bieber and to meet him back stage afterwards, what's 2+2?"

"7," I replied.

Genius

A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot. The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you $5,000." The idiot says, "Okay." The genius then asks, "How many continents are there in the world?" The idiot doesn't know and hands over the $5. The idiot says, "Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?" The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5000. The genius says, "Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?" The idiot hands over $5.

Pirate, land lubber

Yarrrr,
Why be it that land-lubbers are never confident?

For they are always on shore...

My friend is confident that sleeping late would not affect your facial features in any way

but eyebag to differ

Barry likes the number five.

He is the fifth child in his family, lives on the fifth house on Fifth Avenue, so much so that he sees 5 as his lucky number.

One day he went to the races, and saw a horse named Number Five. He went ahead and placed a huge bet, confident that it'll win him big money.

It finished fifth.

I can confidently run up 6 flights of stairs.

But 7 Flights? That's another story.

An American businessman goes to Japan (NSFW)

An American businessman goes to Japan to meet with a client so the night before, he hires a prostitute. While they're having sex, she keeps moaning "machigatta ana." The man is confident about himself and goes to meet with his client the next day at a golf course. While there, the client makes a hole-in-one and the businessman congratulates the client by saying "machigatta ana" to which the Japanese client says "what do you mean 'wrong hole?'"

What do you call an over confident chicken?

Cocky


Preacher gets pulled over.

The officer asks for ID, when he says

"what have you had to drink tonight?"

The preacher replies

"Only water, sir."

The officer insists "I distinctly smell wine on your breath!"

The preacher, with a confident retort, says

"Dammit, he's done it again."

Son: "Dad, what is the difference between confident and confidential?"

Dad: "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential! "

I got a new bumper sticker the other day.

It says 'honk if you think I'm sexy.'

I've never felt so confident. I should probably stop waiting at green lights though.

What's the difference between confident and confidential?

A father and son were having breakfast one morning when the son asked: "Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?" Thinking about it for a bit, the father replied: "Well... You are my son, and of that I am confident. Now, your friend Johnny is also my son. That's confidential."

So my 10 year old daughter asked me, What's the difference between Confidence and Confidential?

Well I thought about it carefully and said as I am your Dad, you are my daughter, of that I am Confident. Your friend Sally down the street is also my daughter, that is Confidential!

Until this crisis is over im going to stick to masturbation just before 8pm on Thursday evenings

The neighbourhood applauding me as I finish is just the confident booster I need

Women tell me Just be yourself, be more confident.

I'm like... jeez pick one!

My wife Mei said to me, "You just rike Trump."

"Confident? An alpha male?" I said.
She shook her head.
"Real-estate savvy? A canny businessman?"
She looked at the floor and sighed.
"Proud father of - "
"No Steve!" She said, slamming the knife down on the counter. "Both roose erection!"

What did the Pirate say to the plank as it was being installed on the ship?

Welcome a Board!

(Inspired by a comment I left on another post, though I'm confident it's been posted many times before)

What do you call a confident and stylish young fire ant?

Flamboyant

A man is injured after falling at a trampoline park

Doctors are confident he'll soon bounce back.

Studies show people who carry tactical knives with flashlights are less confident guessers.

They never take a stab in the dark.

Gf just passed her driving test

My girlfriend had just passed her driving test so she drove me to town.

It was packed but we managed to find a space but she was nervous about doing a parallel park.

"I'm confident in you babe just do what you did in the test" I said

She slowly started unziping my flies.

I'm feeling quite confident about that job interview. The interviewer said they want somebody responsible.

***Oh I'm totally your man***, I told her, whatever problem came up at my last job, they always said I was **responsible!**

3 strings walk into a bar

The first tries to order a drink, and the bartender says "we don't serve strings in here. You gotta get out."

The second tries and gets the same answer.

The third tries, more confident than the others. The bartender says "you heard what I said. We don't serve strings here. You're a string, ain't ya?"

"no sir," he replies, "I'm a frayed knot."

[say it out loud]

Why is the beach so confident?

It's really shore.....

What do you call a confident ghost?

....Boo-cocky....

Dad rocks,son shocked!

Son - "Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?" Dad - "Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."

Two knights stood to face each other

They both unsheathed their weapons, ready to duel

The first knight drew his longsword, confident he would defeat his opponent with wit and skill

The second knight drew a large block of cheddar cheese

The first knight scoffed and said, "And just how to you expect to best me with that?!"

"That's easy," said the second knight. " It's extra sharp."

How To Win Love

How to win **her** love:


1. Hold doors.
2. Tell her she's beautiful.
3. Make her laugh.
4. Be confident.
5. Treat her like a princess.


How to win **his** love.


1. Swallow.

A Midwesterner's Favorite Drug

I'm no expert, but I'm confident that midwesterners' favorite drug is OPEium.

I met a tiny, alien robot that looked like a small bug. He told me his friends escaped their home planet, and found a home here. He was confident that his race would be OK.

He was Optimus Tick

What do you call a black and yellow insect that isn't overly confident in itself?

A humblebee.

Why is John Snow a confident poker player?

Because he just upped the aunty.

Contrary to popular belief, I'm an optimist

I am confident that I'll die tomorrow

My coworkers at the powerplant have been so confident lately

Must be that Big Duke Energy

Why was a confident man arrested in England?

He was dressed sharp.

I'm confident I'd be able to rip a phone book in half with my bare hands.

Because as a U.S. Southerner, when I fix my unsweetened tea, I open all my sweeteners at once.

When I grow up and have kids in a couple of decades. I won't be worried when the day comes they ask for for the newest released M rated game. I'm confident I won't even need to play its unsuitable.

I mean I've played GTA 5 before.

The professors of an engineering school are invited to fly on a new plane

When they arrive, they are told that the plane was built by their students. After hearing this, almost all the teachers run away and leave the plane, except for one.
When is asked "why did you stay in the plane?" He says "i know my students and i am pretty confident that this thing won't even turn on"

What's the different between a confident soldier and a warning helmsman?

One shoots from the hip and the other hoots from the ship.

There is an abundance of student jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 50 funniest jokes and confident puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any exams witze you can hear about confident.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes