Confessional Jokes

Following is our collection of church puns and sins one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Confessional jokes for adults, dirty confession jokes and clean protestant dad gags for kids.

The Best Confessional Puns

I was in the confessional booth today and I asked the priest if he thought it might be a good idea to stop masturbating.

He said Sure, if it bothers you, I'll stop.

Catholic girl goes into confessional

Catholic girl goes into the confessional & says to the priest,
"I think I am pregnant."

He asks, "How did this happen my child?"

"I think it must be the second coming," she replies.

The priest shocked by this statement asks, "What makes you think it
is the second coming?"

She replies, "Because I swallowed the first."

Irishman in confession

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies, "Get out. You're on my side."

A man hasn't been to church for a long while and decides he'd better go to confession before starting to go again. When he enters the confessional box he's amazed to find that it's got a bar lined with finest whiskeys and a huge array of the finest cigars.

As he's looking at this in wonder, the priest comes in.

The man says, Father, forgive me, it's a long time since my last confession. I must say though, that the confessional box is much better than it used to be.

The priest says, Get out,you idiot. You're on my side.

Drunk in confession booth.

A drunk staggers into a church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to just sit there. Finally,the priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"


A Catholic girl walks into a confessional and says "Father, I think I may be pregnant."

He replies "How did this happen, my child?"
She says "It must be the second coming."
The Priest is shocked by this statement and asks "What makes you think this?"
She replies "Because I swallowed the first."

Irish Confession

Murphy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby.
And on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments.
He hears a priest come in. Father, forgive I think its been a while since I've been to confession and to be sure I must say that the confessional box is much better than it used to be.
The priest replies, Get out, you idiot. You're on my side!

The Elderly Guy in Church

An elderly man walks into church, goes into the confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."

The priest said: *"Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"*

"Never Father, I'm Jewish."

*"So then, why are you telling me?"*

"I'm telling everybody."

A drunk staggers into a church one evening, goes into the confessional box and sits down. He doesn't say a word.

The priest coughs to try and get his attention. There's no response so the priest coughs again. There's still no response from the drunk.

The priest coughs a couple of more times and still doesn't get any response, so finally he pounds on the wall.

The drunk slurs, "There's no use knocking. There's no paper this side either."

A drunk enters...

...a confessional booth. The priest is waiting for the sinner to speak up, but the drunk doesn't say a word. After a while the priest coughs... nothing... he coughs again... nothing. The priest was patient until now, but enough is enough: he starts banging on the wooden grid. The drunk finally speaks up:

"You're knocking to no avail, buddy... there ain't any toilet paper here either..."

An elderly man walks into a confessional...

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old. I'm telling everybody .


Confession

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confessional booth and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally,the drunk replies:"No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."

An old man walks into a confessional...

An old man walks into a confessional and says, " I'm 82 years old, have a wonderful wife of 60 years, many children, grandchildren, and even great-grandchildren. Yesterday I picked up 2 teenage girls hitchhiking, took them to a hotel, and made love to each of them 3 times.

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Then why are you telling me this?"

Man: "I'm telling everybody!"

Confession

Matthew goes into a confessional box and says "Bless me father for I have sinned, I have been with a loose woman."

The Priest says "is that you Matthew?"

"Yes father, it is I."

"Who was the woman you were with?"

"I cannot tell you for I do not wish to sully her reputation."

The priest asks "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"No father."

"Was it Fiona MacDonald?"

"No father."

"Was it Ann Brown?"

"No father, I cannot tell you."

The priest says "I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys."

Matthew goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and asks "What did you get?" Matthew replies "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads."

A drunk enters a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth sits down but says nothing

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there, not saying a word.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

To which the drunk mumbles, Sorry, can't help you. There's no paper on this side either.

Dear Father, I've sinned

A man walks into the confessional and says

'Dear Father, I've sinned, I've slept with a mother and daughter at the same time.'


And the priest says 'thank you my son, may I ask how long its been since your last confession'


'I've never been to a confession, I'm Jewish'


so the priests asks 'Then why are you telling me?'


'Because I'm telling everyone'.

Has this to anyone?

A drunk stumbles into a confessional. The priest hears him come in, but then he doesn't hear anything, so the priest knocks on the wall. The drunk says, "Forget it, buddy, there's no paper in this one, either! "

The confession.

A guy goes in a confessional and tells the priest that last night he meet 4 swedish air hostesses down the pub, went back to their place, snorted coke, drank 20 year old scotch and had sex all night until the sun came up.


The priest says, "that's terrible my son, what kind of a catholic are you?


Guy says "I'm not a catholic"


The priest says, "what are you telling me all this for then?"


Guy says "I'm telling everyone."

An 80 year old man walks into a confessional booth

He tells the priest that he just had a threesome with two 20 year old girls. Father said "I'm glad you confessed, adultery is a sin, and your penance is to say five Hail Maries." The 80 year old replied, "I've never said the Hail Mary, I'm Jewish."



The good father asked, "Then why did you come here to tell me this?"



"I'm 80 years old and just had a threesome," he replied. "I'm telling everyone"


What did the boy tell the priest in the confessional?

Nothing.
It's rude to talk with your mouth full.

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church...

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin', there's *no* *paper on this side* either!"

An Irishman visits the local church and enters the confessional.

The priest waits to hear his confession, but the man says nothing. After a few long minutes of silence the priest pounds on the partition. A voice from the other side shouts, "No use in knocking, ain't no paper on this side either!"

A drunk guy enters a Catholic church

A drunk guy enters a Catholic church. He stumbles along, talks with the statues and finally enters the confessional where he sits down quietly on the chair. The priest patiently waits for him then coughs a bit but he gets no reaction. He waits a little while longer and knocks in the wall, finally drawing the drunk's attention:

-Stop the knocking, fool, there's no toilet paper in here either!

A man walks into confessional...

"Bless me father for I have sinned. I cannot stop listening to the Barenaked ladies"


"How long has it been since your last confession?"


"It's been..."

Did you hear about the Catholic man who brought a bird into a confessional?

He said he had committed a cardinal sin.

90 year old married man enters confessional

Bypassing the usual protocols, he tells the priest rather abruptly that he had sex with a beautiful 20 year old woman, who wasn't his wife.

The Priest states my son, you must say 10 Our Fathers, 3 Hail Marys, when the old man cuts him off, and says, wait I am not Catholic. The Priest says, well why are you telling this?

The old man exclaims I'm telling everybody!

Forgive me Father for I have Sinned

A teenage boy goes to confession. Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I've had premarital sex.
The priest says My son, who was the young lady? Was it Mary O'Toole?
I won't say her name. I don't want her to get in trouble.
Was it Jane Thompson? Laura Smith?
Father, I'm not saying who it was.
He exits the confessional and his friend asks What'd you get?
Ten Hail Mary's, five Our Father's, and three good leads.

A drunk stumbles out of a bar...

...and meanders down the street. He makes his way into a church and enters the confessional booth. A priest is there and waits a minute, but the drunk says nothing. He waits 5 minutes, then 10, and still there's silence. Finally, the priest knocks loudly on the dividing wall, and the drunk pipes up, "Sorry, pal, I can't help you. I've got no paper over here, either."

[NSFW] My priest told me I had to stop masturbating. I asked, "Why?"

He told me, "The confessional is getting all sticky."

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned..."

The man professed quite a list of misgivings through the confessional screen.

"Son, have you prayed for forgiveness?"

"Yes, Father?"

"Do you renounce Satan?"

"Hey, that's my wife you're taking about!"

A drunk staggers into a Catholic confessional

and doesn't say anything. So after a few minutes, the priest, in an effort to get the man's attention coughs. The man doesn't respond, so the priest stomps his foot. Still nothing. Finally the priest bangs on the wall of the confessional. The man replies, "There's no use banging, my friend, I don't have any toilet paper."

Father, forgive me, for it has been a long time since I've been to confession,

A man went into a confessional booth and
discovered a fully equipped bar with beer on
tap and a wall stocked with a dazzling array
of the finest Cuban cigars. When the priest
walked into the room the man said, Father,
forgive me, for it has been a long time since
I've been to confession, but I must say the
confessional box is much more inviting than
I remember.
Get out, the priest ordered. You're on
my side.

What's the gloriest hole of them all?

The one in confessional.

A drunk staggers into the confessional booth at church...

The priest enters the other side and asks: Can I help you my son?

In a strained grunting voice, the drunk says: Yeah, have you got any paper?

A priest is in the confessional box...

A priest is in the confessional box and he has to go to the restroom, so he grabs an alter boy and says, "Take over for me for a couple minutes."

A man enters the box. "Bless me father for I have sinned..."

The boy says, "The priest will be back in a few minutes."

The man replies,"I'm in a bit of a hurry. Do you know what Father Daniels usually gives for oral sex?"

The boy says, "Well, he usually gives me a candy bar and a five bucks."

What's ISIS' favorite band?

Daeshboard Confessional.

An altar boy goes into the confessional and says "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."

To which the priest replies "No need to be so formal. Just call me Daddy."

In response to current controversies, the Catholic Church is changing the confessional process.

The phrase Father, I have sinned. will be replaced with Daddy, I've been naughty.

A man walks into a confessional and farts...

Upon hearing the priest start to gag he says, "Forgive me Father, for I have wind."

Confession

A man walks into a confessional and sits down,
"Father, last night I was with 3 different women at the same time."
"That's horrible," says the priest. "Are you married? Does your wife know about this adultery?"
"Married? No. Actually, I'm not even Catholic, I just had to tell someone!"

There is an abundance of parish jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 40 funniest jokes and confessional puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any parishioner witze you can hear about confessional.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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