confessional Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious confessional puns

I was in the confessional booth today and I asked the priest if he thought it might be a good idea to stop masturbating.

He said Sure, if it bothers you, I'll stop.

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Catholic girl goes into confessional

Catholic girl goes into the confessional & says to the priest,
"I think I am pregnant."

He asks, "How did this happen my child?"

"I think it must be the second coming," she replies.

The priest shocked by this statement asks, "What makes you think it
is the second coming?"

She replies, "Because I swallowed the first."

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Irishman in confession

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies, "Get out. You're on my side."

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Drunk in confession booth.

A drunk staggers into a church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to just sit there. Finally,the priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

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A Catholic girl walks into a confessional and says "Father, I think I may be pregnant."

He replies "How did this happen, my child?"
She says "It must be the second coming."
The Priest is shocked by this statement and asks "What makes you think this?"
She replies "Because I swallowed the first."

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The Elderly Guy in Church

An elderly man walks into church, goes into the confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."

The priest said: *"Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"*

"Never Father, I'm Jewish."

*"So then, why are you telling me?"*

"I'm telling everybody."

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A drunk staggers into a church one evening, goes into the confessional box and sits down. He doesn't say a word.

The priest coughs to try and get his attention. There's no response so the priest coughs again. There's still no response from the drunk.

The priest coughs a couple of more times and still doesn't get any response, so finally he pounds on the wall.

The drunk slurs, "There's no use knocking. There's no paper this side either."

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A drunk enters...

...a confessional booth. The priest is waiting for the sinner to speak up, but the drunk doesn't say a word. After a while the priest coughs... nothing... he coughs again... nothing. The priest was patient until now, but enough is enough: he starts banging on the wooden grid. The drunk finally speaks up:

"You're knocking to no avail, buddy... there ain't any toilet paper here either..."

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A drunk staggered into a Catholic church

He entered a confessional booth, sat down and said nothing. The priest coughed a few times to get his attention, but the man stayed silent. Finally the priest knocked loudly on the wall three times. The drunk mumbled "Ain't no use in knocking, there's no paper on this side either"

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A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin'! There's no paper on this side either!"

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A priest giving confessional really has to take a piss...

... so he grabs the janitor and drags him into the confessional booth. "Can you fill in for me for a minute?"

"What?"

"Just listen to people, give them 10 hail Mary's, and send them on their way, it's easy," says the priest, and he runs to the bathroom.

A woman comes in on the other side of the curtain. "Bless me father for I have sinned. I have committed countless sins of the flesh, I love sucking cock."

The janitor says, "well, just, uhm, say ten hail Mary's and you shall be forgiven."

"No father, you don't understand! I live for sucking cock, I give out multiple blowjobs to strangers every day, I need more than just hail Mary's!"

Confused, the janitor leans out of the booth, stops a passing altar boy, and whispers, "Hey, what does father O'Mally usually give out for blowjobs?"

The boy says, "Two Snickers bars."

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An elderly man walks into a confessional...

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old. I'm telling everybody .

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Confession

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confessional booth and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally,the drunk replies:"No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."

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An old man walks into a confessional...

An old man walks into a confessional and says, " I'm 82 years old, have a wonderful wife of 60 years, many children, grandchildren, and even great-grandchildren. Yesterday I picked up 2 teenage girls hitchhiking, took them to a hotel, and made love to each of them 3 times.

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Then why are you telling me this?"

Man: "I'm telling everybody!"

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Confession

Matthew goes into a confessional box and says "Bless me father for I have sinned, I have been with a loose woman."

The Priest says "is that you Matthew?"

"Yes father, it is I."

"Who was the woman you were with?"

"I cannot tell you for I do not wish to sully her reputation."

The priest asks "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"No father."

"Was it Fiona MacDonald?"

"No father."

"Was it Ann Brown?"

"No father, I cannot tell you."

The priest says "I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys."

Matthew goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and asks "What did you get?" Matthew replies "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads."

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A bunch of nuns are in line..

So this was back in the day, a group of nuns worked in a hospital as nurses and it was time for confessional. The priest was in a bit of a rush so he asked the nuns to form a line and confess their sins in public.

The first nurse blushed and nervously said:

- I was changing Mr. Thompson's bandages and well, I saw his penis !

The priest gasped in shock and ordered her to rinse her eyes out in the Holy Water basin and say 10 Hail Mary's. He then asks the second nun to confess her sins.

- I was changing Mr. Thompson's bandages and well, I, um, I touched his penis !

The priest can't believe what he is hearing and orders her to wash her hands in the Holy Water basin and say 20 Hail Mary's. He then asks the third nun in line to confess her sins.

- I was changing Mr. Thompsons bandages when...

"Wait" Yells out the fourth nun in line.

- Can I go rinse my mouth before she sticks her ass in there ?

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An old, old man goes into a confessional.

He says, "Father, I"m not sure where to start."

The priest say, Well, what do I need to know?"

The old man says, "Father, last night I was havin' a drink, alone, at the bar, and I told the bartender it was my birthday, but I was all alone. Right then, a beautiful, sweet, 18-year-old blonde came up and said I shouldn't be alone on my birthday. She insisted on buyin' me a drink, and then insisted on taking me back to her apartment, where she introduced me to her gorgeous red-headed best friend. Well, one thing led to another, and we had all sex all night long."

"Well," said the priest, "that's pretty bad, but I can understand. Say five Hail Mary's and two Our Father's, and don't do it again."

"I don't know those," said the old man, "I'm Jewish."

"Then why are you telling me?"

"I'm tellin' everybody!!"

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An Irishman's Confession...

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put Β£50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying,

"I saw that you didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the Β£50 on the box and, according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

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Irish Confession

An Irish man went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.

Inside he found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

When the priest came in, the Irish man said to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replied, "You moron, you're on my side"

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An elderly man walks into a confessional.

Man: I am 92 years old, had a wonderful wife of 70 years who recently passed away, many children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two hitch-hiking college girls. We went to a motel where I had sex with each of them three times.

Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?

Man: What sins?

Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you?

Man: I'm Jewish.

Priest: Why are you telling me all this?

Man: I'm 92 years old…I'm telling everybody!

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An 85 year old man goes into a confessional...

An 85 year old man goes into a confessional. He said "Forgive me father but I have sinned".

The priest replied: "tell me your sins my son."

"I am committing adultery. I have a 25 year old girl friend. Every morning I tell my wife that I am going to have coffee with my friends, but instead I go to my girl friends house where she gives me a blow job and then we have sex for an hour."

The Priest said: "adultery is a grave sin. But Mr Cohn, you're Jewish. Why are you telling me?"

Mr. Cohn replied "hey, I'm telling everybody."

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Dear Father, I've sinned

A man walks into the confessional and says

'Dear Father, I've sinned, I've slept with a mother and daughter at the same time.'


And the priest says 'thank you my son, may I ask how long its been since your last confession'


'I've never been to a confession, I'm Jewish'


so the priests asks 'Then why are you telling me?'


'Because I'm telling everyone'.

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A man goes to confession

He says to the priest: "Forgive me father for I have committed adultery... I think."

"What do you mean you think? You're not sure if you've committed adultery?" Inquired the priest.

"Well father. I was with a woman and things were about to get nasty. I THOUGHT about putting it in but never actually put it in. And so I decided to leave."

"Of course that's adultery!" Replied the priest. "THINKING about putting it in is the SAME as putting it in. Now for penance I want you to pray 10 Our Fathers and leave $50 in the donation box."

So the man leaves the confessional and says his prayers. Then he approaches the donation box for a moment and begins to leave, but the priest runs over and stops him.

"My son! I saw that you prayed your penance but you haven't made your donation!"

The man replied, "Well Father, I thought real hard about putting it in!"

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Confession (NSFW)

An old man walks into a church, and sits down in the confessional booth. The priest opens up the divider and says "Tell me your troubles my son"
The old man says "Father, i've been happily married the last 50 years to a beautiful woman. But the other day I was driving down the road and picked up two young female hitch hikers. I gave them a ride to the nearest place, which was a motel. To thank me they took me inside and gave me the best night of my life. The gave me head, fucked me till I was dry, even let me perform anal on one of them while she ate the other out.

The priest says "It's understandable my son, we all give in to desires every so often. Your penance shall be 10 hails mary's and 20 our fathers. "

The old man says "Penance? But I'm not catholic!"

To which the priest responds "If you're not catholic then why are you telling me all of this?"

And the old man says "Are you kidding me? I'm telling everyone!"

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I was at the confessional booth the other day and I asked the priest if he thought it would be a good idea to stop masturbating

He said "Sure, If it bothers you, I'll stop".

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Has this to anyone?

A drunk stumbles into a confessional. The priest hears him come in, but then he doesn't hear anything, so the priest knocks on the wall. The drunk says, "Forget it, buddy, there's no paper in this one, either! "

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(NSFW) A 90-year old man walks into a church confessional...

'Father,' he says, 'I'm 90 years old...been married for 70 years. Yesterday two college girls picked me up at the store. We drove to a motel and I fucked them both!'
'And are you remorseful?' asks the priest.
'Hell no.'
'So then what do you think of these sins?' the priest asks.
'What sins?' asks the man.
After a slight pause the priest says, 'my son, what kind of Catholic are you?'
'I'm not, I'm an Atheist.'
Confused, the priest finally asks, 'so why are you telling me this?'
'Are you kidding?' replies the man. 'I'm 90 years old and I fucked two young girls at once. I'm telling EVERYBODY!'

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Fannie Green

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest,

"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."

The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?" "A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's"

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.

All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, Is that Fannie Green?"

The altar boy replies ..."No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes".

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A man in a small town goes to confessional...

and tells the local priest, "Father, forgive me, for I have slept with a loose woman."

The priest thinks for a moment and says, "Well, son, was it Mary?"

"No Father."

"Hmm," the priest continues, "was it Fiona?"

"No, no father," the man replies.

"And was it Anne?"

"No, father."

After a pause, the priest says, "Give me one our fathers and two hail marys, and all will be forgiven."

The man exits the confessional and slides in next to his friend on a pew.

"So," the friend asks, "what'd the father give you?"

"Well, I got one our fathers, two hail marys, and three good leads."


**source**: Prairie Home Companion

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Drunk in a confessional booth

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumble, "Ain't no use knockin'. There ain't no paper on this side either"

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catholic

A priest wants to go on vacation so he called his vicar and told him to hear the confessions. His vicar asked him what penance the sinners had to receive depending on their delict. The priest handed him out a list of sins and the applicable penances.

After the priest was gone the vicar waited for believers to take place in the confessional box. The first sinner was a woman.

"What is your sin my child?" the vicar asked. The women answered: "i thought impure thoughts, pater. When i had sex with my husband i thought about my neighbour." The vicar took a look at his list and convicted the woman to recite the pater noster 5 times and to say one rosary.

The next sinner was a man. "What is your sin my child?" the vicar asked again. "I have had oral sex." the believer answered. "That is a huge sin indeed, you may recite the pater noster 15 times and you may also say 5 rosaries." Said the vicar after taking another look in his list.

The third sinner was another man. "What is your sin my child?" asked the vicar for the third time. "i have had anal sex, pater." the believer answered. The vicar then looked in his list to find the penance for having anal sex, but even after looking closely he couldnt find it on the list. Confused he shouted for an altar boy to assist him. "Please tell me what the priest gives for anal sex, boy." he demanded. The altar boy answered: "that depends, sometimes a snickers, sometimes a twix."

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Putting it in.

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,

'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

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The confession.

A guy goes in a confessional and tells the priest that last night he meet 4 swedish air hostesses down the pub, went back to their place, snorted coke, drank 20 year old scotch and had sex all night until the sun came up.


The priest says, "that's terrible my son, what kind of a catholic are you?


Guy says "I'm not a catholic"


The priest says, "what are you telling me all this for then?"


Guy says "I'm telling everyone."

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Two Guys, The Summer, And The Confessional

A young man goes to confession with his friend on the first day of summer. When he enters the confessional, he says "Forgive me father, for I have sinned... I have been with a woman of poor moral fiber."

Priest: "That's sad to hear young man... I must ask... was it Jenny Armstrong?"
Young Man: "I cannot say father."
Priest: "Was it Sarah Smith?"
Young Man: "I will not say, father."
Priest: "It must have been Michelle Geller."
Young Man: "Father, I will not say."
Priest: "I admire your conviction, but you must atone. Don't return to service for two weeks, or until you have said 4 Hail Mary's and 10 Our Fathers."

The young man leaves and sees his friend on the way out. "What did you get?' his friend asks. He replies, "two weeks of summer vacation and three good leads."

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I was in the confessional booth today

...and I asked the priest if he thought it might be a good idea to stop masturbating.

He shrugged. If it bothers you, I'll stop.

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What are the most funny Confessional jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Confessional? Well, here are the best Confessional dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Confessional pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes