Confession Jokes

Following is our collection of drunk confession puns and my confession one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Confession jokes for adults, dirty confession code jokes and clean admit dad gags for kids.

The Best Confession Puns

Boy goes to confession and tells the priest he has been with a girl of loose morals.

"That's a grievous sin," the priest says. "Tell me: Was it Mary O'Hara?"

"No, Father."

"Was it Kate Dannaher?"

"No, Father."

"Was it Kathleen McGonigle?"

"No, Father. I don't want to say who it was."

Later, as the boy leaves the church, he sees a friend, who asks him, "How'd it go?"

He answers, "Well, I got ten Hail Marys, five Our Fathers... and three great leads."

I was in the confessional booth today and I asked the priest if he thought it might be a good idea to stop masturbating.

He said Sure, if it bothers you, I'll stop.

a man goes to confess after 25 years

So the man walks into the confession booth for the first time in his adult life, having nothing but bad memories about it from when he was a child.
So he opens the door, sits down and notices a couple of playboy nude calenders on the wall, a bottle of whiskey in the corner and a nice box of cigars next to it, and he thinks to himself "Wow, this place has really improved over the years"

But then the Father opens the door and yells "Get out! that's my booth!"

An elderly man walks into confession and says...

Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and eleven healthy grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them… twice.

The priest said, Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?

Never Father… I'm Jewish.

So then, why are you telling me?

I'm telling everybody!

A guy wakes up to a woman next to him in bed

and she was already awake. She says to him "I have a confession to make, I was once a Christian"

The guy, still half-asleep says, "oh that's okay babe, I've never really been one to care."

"Oh good" she replies, "I much prefer being a Christine anyways."


Irishman in confession

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies, "Get out. You're on my side."

A man hasn't been to church for a long while and decides he'd better go to confession before starting to go again. When he enters the confessional box he's amazed to find that it's got a bar lined with finest whiskeys and a huge array of the finest cigars.

As he's looking at this in wonder, the priest comes in.

The man says, Father, forgive me, it's a long time since my last confession. I must say though, that the confessional box is much better than it used to be.

The priest says, Get out,you idiot. You're on my side.

A man goes for confession ...

The priest says Tell me son why are you here

Well father , during the war , I hid a Jewish family in my attic and saved them from certain death. the man replied.

The priest taken aback replies , Well son this is a rather noble act that the lord would be proud of , why are you here at confession?

Well father , I charged them rent to stay in my attic. the man replied.

This is not right son , we should help others without asking anything in return , this is the true Christian way the priest replied.

The man replied , Well in that case should I tell them that the war is over ?

A man went to confession.

"Forgive me, father", he cried. "During WWII I had someone in hiding in my attic."

"Well, that is not a sin?" Said the priest

"No, I know that," said the man, "but I made him pay rent."

"That is not proper, but your life was at risk, so you are forgiven."

"Thank you, father. But could I ask you another question?"

"Of course, my son."

"Do you think that I should tell him that the war is over?"

Drunk in confession booth.

A drunk staggers into a church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to just sit there. Finally,the priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

Irish Confession

Murphy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby.
And on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments.
He hears a priest come in. Father, forgive I think its been a while since I've been to confession and to be sure I must say that the confessional box is much better than it used to be.
The priest replies, Get out, you idiot. You're on my side!


The Elderly Guy in Church

An elderly man walks into church, goes into the confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and I made love to two 18 year old girls. Both of them. Twice."

The priest said: *"Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"*

"Never Father, I'm Jewish."

*"So then, why are you telling me?"*

"I'm telling everybody."

Both Golf

"Honey, I have a confession to make," a guy told his bride. "I'm a golf nut. You'll never see me on weekends during golf season. "
"Well, dear," she murmured. "I have a confession to make too. I'm a hooker. "
"No big deal," replied the groom. "Just keep your head down and your left arm straight! "

A Catholic boy in confession says

"Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking

about my sister."

"That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you

have two gorgeous brothers."

A young catholic boy goes in for his first confession

A young catholic boy goes in for his first confession.


As the boy goes into the booth he asks the priest, "What are you doing father?"


The priest answers, Its called masturbation and soon you will be doing it."


The boy asks, "Why do you say that father?"



Priest: "Because my hand is getting tired.

My wife asked me why I never go to Confession.

I told her I just clear my browser history when I want to wash away my sins.

Why didn't anyone believe the transsexual's confession?

It was a case of 'he said, she said'

A farmer finds a shoebox under his wife's side of the bed

The box contained two ears of corn and $4000. He went to his wife
Farmer: What's this?
Wife: I have a confession to make. Whenever I cheated on you I put an ear of corn in the box.

The farmer gasps, then thinks "50 years of marriage...only twice..that's not too awful.

Farmer: What about the $4000?
Wife: Whenever I got a bushel I sold it.

Heaven Between Legs

A nun went to her Mother Superior and asked her to hear a confession.

"Mother, today I experienced the pleasures of the flesh. Father Saunders came to me and told me I had the gates to Heaven between my legs. He then told me he had the key to Heaven and put it in the gates."

"Why that lying ba***rd !" the Mother Superior screamed. "For years he has told me it was Gabriel's trumpet and I've been blowing it!"


Why did the black person go into confession?

Because he wanted to know what it is like to speak to a father

What does a Catholic do before a confession?

He sins, obviously.

I have a confession. Lately I've been greasing up all the wheelchair ramps around town.

I've tried so hard to stop, but once you start it's a really slippery slope...

A doctor goes to confession...

"Forgive me father for I have sinned."

The priest replies, "Tell me your sins my child."

The doctor says, "I slept with five of my patients. I know it was wrong, not mention unethical. Since it happened, I've barely been able to sleep and I have no appetite. I feel so guilty."

The priest consoles him saying, "You must learn to forgive yourself."

The man replies, "But how can I? How can I return from this sin?"

The priest says, "You're not the first doctor to sleep with a patient and you won't be last."

The man nods in consent while the priest absolves him. As they exit the confessional, the priest looks at the doctor and says, "I hate to ask, but seeing as you're a doctor, do you think that you could take a look at my throat, it's been sore for days."

The man replies, "I'd love to father, but I'm not that type of doctor. I'm a veterinarian."

An old man goes to confession.

"Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I'm 80 years old and have been happily married to the love of my life for 60 years, but last night i cheated on her. With twins. 21 year old bikini model twins."

The priest asks how long it's been since his last confession.

"I've never been to confession. I'm Jewish."

"Then why are you telling me this?" the priest asks.

The old man replies, "I'm telling EVERYBODY!"

Confession

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confessional booth and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally,the drunk replies:"No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."

An old man goes to confession..

An old German man goes to confession one Sunday. He enters the confession, sits down and says "Forgive me Father for I have sinned, and I want to confess". The Priest says "Well my child, what are your sins?". The old man responds "During the war I hid a young Jewish woman from the Nazis in return for sexual favours". The Priest, while surprised, says "It was a difficult time, you risked your life to help this woman despite the immoral exchange". "I understand that father" the old man says "But, do you think I should tell her the war is over?".

Courtesy of my Dad!

So this amputee hadn't told his fiance about his condition yet...

and he kept putting it off. Finally, on their wedding night, in bed with the lights out, he screws up his courage.
"Honey, I have a confession to make."
"What is it, dear?"
Instead of answering, he simply takes his brides hand and puts it on the stump of his leg.
"Well!" she exclaims, "This is a surprise! But I'll get the vaseline and see what I can do."

Joey the altar boy goes to confession and says...

β€Ž'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

Confession

Matthew goes into a confessional box and says "Bless me father for I have sinned, I have been with a loose woman."

The Priest says "is that you Matthew?"

"Yes father, it is I."

"Who was the woman you were with?"

"I cannot tell you for I do not wish to sully her reputation."

The priest asks "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"No father."

"Was it Fiona MacDonald?"

"No father."

"Was it Ann Brown?"

"No father, I cannot tell you."

The priest says "I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys."

Matthew goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and asks "What did you get?" Matthew replies "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads."

A man goes to church to make a confession...

A man goes to church to make a confession to the priest.

"Look. I have a confession to make. During the war, a young, gorgeous woman came to my door looking for somewhere to stay hidden. And I accepted, on the condition that she would repay me every day with sexual favors."

The priest says, "Don't worry, young fellow. You have sinned. You were young and lustful, and God will forgive you."

"Good," the man said. "But I have another question. Do you think I should tell her the war's over?"

A joke a Jewish speaker at my Catholic college told the student body in front of a bunch of nuns

So a man walks into confession and says "Forgive me father, for I have sinned". The priest says "What have you done, my son?"

"I'm 72 and just had sex with two 25 year olds" he claimed.

"Are you kidding?!" the priest said. "You can't do that. 100 Hail Mary's and run around the church 1000 times. By the way is this your first confession?"

"Yes I've never been to confession before. I'm Jewish."

"If you are Jewish why are you telling me this?" begged the priest.

"I'm telling everybody"

Dear Father, I've sinned

A man walks into the confessional and says

'Dear Father, I've sinned, I've slept with a mother and daughter at the same time.'


And the priest says 'thank you my son, may I ask how long its been since your last confession'


'I've never been to a confession, I'm Jewish'


so the priests asks 'Then why are you telling me?'


'Because I'm telling everyone'.

A man was in confession asking for forgiveness at his local church.

Man: Father I have sinned.
Yesterday my wife was leaning against the sofa and she was wearing a short Dress she looked so sexy I couldn't control myself. I went up behind her and spread her legs and started ramming her from behind uncontrollably.
Priest: oh no no they don't like that sort of behaviour is heaven.
Man: No they don't like it in Walmart either.

A teenager girl goes for confession and tells the preist that she's pregnant with the second coming.

Naturally, the priest is furious at the implied blasphemy.

"How dare you? That's blasphemy. Explain yourself. How do you know you're pregnant with the second coming?" he thundered.

I... I... I.. I swallowed the first.

A 90 year old man walks into confession...

He says, "Forgive me Father, I've sinned. I slept with two beautiful, 20 year old women last night outside of wedlock."
The Father says, "Oh my Lord, when was the last time you made confession?"
He says, "I've never made confession before Father, I'm Jewish."
The Father says, "You're Jewish? Well what are you telling *me* for?"
He says, "Well, I'm telling *everybody*."

The confession.

A guy goes in a confessional and tells the priest that last night he meet 4 swedish air hostesses down the pub, went back to their place, snorted coke, drank 20 year old scotch and had sex all night until the sun came up.


The priest says, "that's terrible my son, what kind of a catholic are you?


Guy says "I'm not a catholic"


The priest says, "what are you telling me all this for then?"


Guy says "I'm telling everyone."

A Detective is in a room questioning a suspect

After a while, he comes out of the room and talks to the police sergeant there with him, "Well, I've asked him just about every question in the book. 'Where were you last night?', 'What were you doing?', 'Who were you with?', everything."

The sergeant asks, "Well have you gotten a confession out of him?"

The detective says, "Not exactly. He keeps saying 'Yes dear' and dozing off."

Confession

A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. "Father O'Malley," he says, "my name is Emil Cohen. I'm seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I'm currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I've never felt better." "My good man," says the priest, "I think you've come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?" And the guy goes: "I'm telling everybody!"

A old man goes into confession

"Father, all my life I've been faithful, but last night, I met two beautiful blonde 21-year-old girls and I slept with them, twice each!"

"Well, when was the last time you were in confession?"

"Oh, never Father, I'm Jewish!"

"Well, why are you telling me then??"

"Are you kidding? I'm telling everyone!!"

How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?

Howdy, pardoner!

I have a confession to make...

I'm addicted to the hokie pokie.....

But it's ok, I've turned myself around.

And that's really what it's all about.

an irish girl confesses shes a prostitute to her father

at first he gets stupid angry starts yelling at her, how could she betray him, calls her all kinds of names including soup taker. She looks confused at this and asks her father to accompany her to confession. Her dad stares at her for a moment and then he hugs her, crying tears of relief. The he says, "I thought you said you were a protestant!"

A dying man lie in bed with his wife beside him

As he lay, he turned and looked to his wife and said "My dear wife, I must make a confession"

"There is no need." She said

"No" the man replied. "I must tell you before I die."

"If you must." She said.

"I slept with not only you but your mother, your best friend, her best friend, our daughter, and many other women." He told her.

His wife, not angered by this, turned to him and said.

"I know. Now just rest and let the poison do its work."

A man walks into a church confession booth ...

"Father, I have a confession to make; I had a threesome with two hot teachers."

"Well my son, we all have our transgressions. I want to you say 10 Hail Mary's".

"Father I can't do that, I'm Jewish !"

"Then why are you telling me this ? "

"Father, I'm telling EVERYBODY"

A man goes to church for confession....

A man goes to Church to confess..............

Man: Hi Father, my five years old Son is very naughty.
He made all the female servants pregnant.

Father: Incredulously, and how on earth did he do it???

Man: He took a pin and punched holes in all my condoms

Pre-

4 Nuns

Four Nuns are standing in line for confession.
Nun 1: Forgive me, father, I have seen a naked man.
Priest: Go wash your eyes in Holy Water and you will be forgiven.
Nun 2: Forgive me, father, I touched a naked man.
Priest: Go wash your hands in Holy Water and you will be forgiven.
Nun 4 (speaking to Nun 3): Can I go in front of you?
Nun 3 (responding to Nun 4): Why?
Nun 4: I am not going to gargle the Holy Water after you wash your butt in it.

An Irishman visits the local church and enters the confessional.

The priest waits to hear his confession, but the man says nothing. After a few long minutes of silence the priest pounds on the partition. A voice from the other side shouts, "No use in knocking, ain't no paper on this side either!"

A newly wed couple on their honeymoon night are in the bedroom getting undressed

A newly wed couple on their honeymoon night are in the bedroom getting undressed when she says.
"Darling, now that we are married, I have a little confession to make, I was a hooker before we met, are you OK with that"
He replies "Of course I am darling, we hadn't met then and to be honest it turns me on,so tell me more
She says "Well, my name used to be Brian and I played for St. Helens"

A man walks into confessional...

"Bless me father for I have sinned. I cannot stop listening to the Barenaked ladies"


"How long has it been since your last confession?"


"It's been..."

A girl walks into the confession stand in a church...

...ouch !

A priest is taking confession when a woman confesses to giving head...

The priest doesn't know what head is but he figures it's bad if it is something she's confessing to, so he gives her a couple of Hail Marys and an Our Father.

Later that day the priest is contemplating his day in the rectory garden when he sees a nun. He can't get this "head" out of his head, so he asks the nun, "Sister, can I ask you a question? What's head."

"Same is in town, Father, $20"

Forgive me Father for I have Sinned

A teenage boy goes to confession. Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I've had premarital sex.
The priest says My son, who was the young lady? Was it Mary O'Toole?
I won't say her name. I don't want her to get in trouble.
Was it Jane Thompson? Laura Smith?
Father, I'm not saying who it was.
He exits the confessional and his friend asks What'd you get?
Ten Hail Mary's, five Our Father's, and three good leads.

Why did the poorly made shoe go to confession?

Because it had a bad sole

Adultery

n old man went into confession and told the priest: Father,I'm 81 married with six children and 13 grandchildren. Last night i had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls.Twice.
I see, said the priest. When was the last time you were in confession?
Never,Father , replied the old man. I'm Jewish
So why are you telling me?
I'm telling everybody!

Confession: I have groped women...

... a handful of times.

I once knew a Colombian conductor.

He was arrested for the murder of a passenger and in his confession he said he did it because the passenger was wearing pink shoes. I never would have thought that he was capable of something like this, but I must admit he had a locomotive.

My brother sat down with my girlfriend and I. He said, "Pal, I've got a confession to make. Last night I had sex with your girlfriend. We went to a party, she was drinking beer, I was drinking wine. One thing led to another..."

I turned to my girlfriend, in shock. "Tell me he's lying."

She said, "He is, it wasn't beer it was cider."

Father, forgive me, for it has been a long time since I've been to confession,

A man went into a confessional booth and
discovered a fully equipped bar with beer on
tap and a wall stocked with a dazzling array
of the finest Cuban cigars. When the priest
walked into the room the man said, Father,
forgive me, for it has been a long time since
I've been to confession, but I must say the
confessional box is much more inviting than
I remember.
Get out, the priest ordered. You're on
my side.

local parish

The head priest at a certain church was out for the day, so he asked the deacon to do confession for him. The deacon agrees, and the first person that comes says, "Forgive me, for I just gave a guy a blow job." He says, "You have sinned."

Then he looks at the sheet on the wall that had punishments for certain sins on it, but blow job was not on there, so he went out to ask one of the altar boys what he usually gives for a blow job. The altar boy answered, "Oh, about five dollars."

A woman goes to confession, tells the priest she has deviant sexual thoughts...

She says she cant help these sexual thoughts and doesnt know what to do. It has gotten so bad she even stopped wearing panties. The priest says, "ok my child. I want you to do 10 hail marys 5 our fathers and 43 cartwheels."

A nun goes to confession....

A nun goes to confession. She tells the priest, "Bless me father for I have sinned, I have not worn panties under my dress for about 3 years ".

The priest replies,"no problem my dear, just say 5 Hail Mary's and do a few cartwheels on the way out".

I'm so pale...

I'm so pale that when I went outside last winter, the neighborhood kids said, "Hey, look! Frosty's on a diet!"

I'm so pale that when I worked in the ice cream parlor and was giving a kid his vanilla cone, he started licking my hand.

I'm so pale that my house is listed as haunted. It was built last year!

I'm so pale that when I went to confession, the priest told me to eat a clove of garlic.

A man is in the confession chamber.

Father - he says - I've sinned.

What have you done, my child? answers the priest.

I raped a kid and I have blasphemed and cursed during the act.

Yeah no wonder, they never stay still.

Confessions of a newly wed.

On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isn't sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she's been able to cover up.

After some soul-searching, the husband gathers his nerve and says, I have a confession.

She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, Darling, so do I.

Recoiling, he says, Don't tell me - you've eaten my socks.

A Polish man sends his daughter abroad to study

She comes back and says "father I have a confession. I'm pregnant and I don't know who the father is!"

The Polish father buries his face in his hands and says "oh sweety, this can't be true!" He looks up at her and says "Are you sure it's yours?"

When I was a young boy I tried to get the leader of our church to touch me inappropriately during confession so that I could sue him...

But he just told me to stop pastor baiting.

So a group of boys were in a sex Ed class

And by sex ed class I mean a catholic confession box with a priest.

What do Germans call a confession you give with a gun to your head?

A Glock and spiel

A mathematician goes to a confession booth...

He says to the priest: 'Father, I have a sin to confess'

The priest says: 'Don't worry, tell me and the lord will see if he can forgive you'

The mathematician says: 'I used the opposite side instead of the adjacent to calculate cos.'

"Father, I have a confession to make. Yesterday I cheated on my wife with two 18 year old girls."

"Alright. When you get home, squeeze out 18 lemons and drink it all at once."
"And that will free me from my sin?"
"No, but it'll free your face from that dirty smile."

CONFESSIONS OVER TIME

100 Years Ago: "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."

Today: "Sorry Daddy, I've been a bad boy.



Whichever the year, you still get dicked.

Confession: Every now and then I still enjoy listening to one of Bill Cosby's old comedy albums.

Call it a guilty pleasure.

A confession

Hey guys in the middle of these important jokes I want to clarify two very important points

. .

Thank you

An artist went to confession...

...where he admitted to cheating his clients on his hues.

The priest told him, "Repaint, repaint, and thin no more."

I went to church on Sunday and did confession after.

You should have heard what people told me, I had to give out a ton of Our Fathers.

What did Adele say to the priest when she got into the confession booth?

Hello from the other side

What did the Catholic bodybuilder say when he went to confession after falling off a new diet plan?

Forgive me Father, For i have binged

I have a confession. I smoked over the weekend.

In my defense, it was the best chicken I've ever tasted.

Forgive me, Father, for I am sinning.

I'm jerking off right now, in this confession booth.

To the Bible.

And don't act so surprised, you were the one who told me to come to Jesus!

Ok guys I have a confession....

Particle accelerators give me a hadron....

A guy goes in to a catholic church to confess his sins but Father is still sleeping up stairs half drunk so one of the altar boys tries taking the confession instead

but soon this altar boy is put in a situation where he does not know what to do.

"Euh, excuses me for one sec. I will be right back to let you know what the proper penance is for that sin"

"Psssht, hey danny. Danny!"

"Yeah"

"What does Father give for masturbation?"

"Two snickers and a marsbar"

A boy walks into confession....

a short commotion later the lad limps back out

What did the flatulent man say to the preacher during confession?

Forgive me Father, for i have wind.

Maybe after all of this controversy, Roy More can go to priest to make a confession.

At least he'll have someone to relate to.

A man goes to a confession booth claiming he has a tendency to be involved in a lot of BDSM type things...

His punishment was 30 Hail Mary's.

Confession time: I voted for Trump and I truly regret it

I really thought it would get Amy Schumer and Lena Dunham to leave the country.

A couple was talking and the girl has a confession...

A couple was talking and the girl has a confession...

A husband and his wife.

"honey I have a confession to make. I've been seeing a psychiatrist"

"Thats's okay dear" the wife replied. "I've been seeing the pool man and our daughter's basketball coach"

It's been a big year for my eight-year-old

A little less than a month ago, he made his first confession. Took the cops four and a half hours to break him. He's got some willpower, papas proud.

There is an abundance of confessional jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 89 funniest jokes and confession puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any priest witze you can hear about confession.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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