Confess Jokes
103 confess jokes and hilarious confess puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about confess that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Confess Short Jokes
Short confess jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The confess humour may include short admit jokes also.
- My girlfriend found lipstick in my jacket pocket. I told her straight up I was cheating. There's no way that I was going to confess that I sell Avon
- On my wedding night, I finally had to confess to my wife. I told her before we met, I slept with a lot of prostitutes. She said, I thought I recognized you from somewhere.
- My wife asked me why I never go to Confession. I told her I just clear my browser history when I want to wash away my sins.
- Why did the black person go into confession? Because he wanted to know what it is like to speak to a father
- I have a confession. Lately I've been greasing up all the wheelchair ramps around town. I've tried so hard to stop, but once you start it's a really slippery slope...
- A woman goes to confession... The priest says to her "For the last time Becky it's forgive me father for I have sinned." "Not punish me daddy I've been a bad girl."
- Wedding night confessions Husband: Honey I have to confess, I've slept with loads of prostitutes before I met you!
Wife: I just knew l'd seen you somewhere before!! - I confessed to my therapist that I've been stealing other people's Bitcoin. He says I'm his first cryptomaniac.
- Once, there was a man who was so upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. hello
- An ice cube fell in love with a Bunsen burner. Bunsen... My flame...I melt whenever I see you," confessed the ice cube.
* Chill, it's just a phase you're going through. *
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Confess One Liners
Which confess one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with confess? I can suggest the ones about admit it and plead guilty.
- Chuck Norris once took a lie detector test The machine confessed everything
- What does a Catholic do before a confession? He sins, obviously.
- Pi Day confession: I have an obsession with pi. I know, I know... it's irrational.
- How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession? Howdy, pardoner!
- My friend just confessed he's gay Just after I told him to be straight with me.
- What does a necrophiliac say to confess his love for someone? "You're dead to me"
- A girl walks into the confession stand in a church... ...ouch !
- Why did the poorly made shoe go to confession? Because it had a bad sole
- Confession: I have groped women... ... a handful of times.
- My humor is so dark I confessed my sins.
- What do Germans call a confession you give with a gun to your head? A Glock and spiel
- OJ Simpson finally confessed!!! They squeezed it outta him!
- 2 people confessed to killing Russian opposition leader Boris Nemtsov
- What do you call a food vendor at a baseball game played by priests? A confessions stand.
- Ok guys I have a confession.... Particle accelerators give me a hadron....
Heartwarming Confess Jokes that Make You Laugh
What funny jokes about confess you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean apologize jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make confess pranks.
An old man is on his deathbed...
and his wife is sitting next to him in a chair, holding his hand. He seems to be fading fast, and with a great effort he grasps her hand. "My love, I must confess something..I've cheated on you with dozens...maybe thousands of women..."
She looks at him tearfully, wipes the tears from her eyes and says "shhh now my love..i know..now hush and let the poison work"
Three men die, and go to the pearly gates...
St. Peter walks up to the firsts, and he says: "You have lived a good life, but you have cheated on your wife many times. Confess here before your friends, and you will be allowed into heaven."
The man says: "I slept with a different woman every week of my ten-year marriage. I beg for forgiveness."
St. Peter forgives him, and gives him a bicycle. He tells him that he must travel for a thousand miles as penance, and think about his sin.
The second man says:"I was married for five years, and I slept with a different woman as a lover each year. I beg for forgiveness."
St. Peter forgives him, and gives him a motorcycle. He tells him that he must travel for a thousand miles as penance, and think about his sin.
The third man says: "I was married for a month, and stayed faithful throughout. Then my wife died, so I committed s**... so I may be with her."
St. Peter tells him: "I know. Follow me." He then leads him to a helicopter, and tells him to enjoy the ride. The man soon enough passes the other two men, who see him land a short distance away. They eventually catch up to him, and see he is crying.
The first two men ask him: "Why are you crying? You have no sins to atone for!"
The third says: "I just saw my wife... She was skateboarding."
Bedside Wife
A man was sleeping on his deathbed he woke up to see his wife silently praying beside him.
He says "Martha, I have something to confess to you."
She says "No dear, save your energy."
He says " I must tell you so I may pass on to heaven, I cheated on you."
She says " I know, I poisoned you."
Why didn't anyone believe the t**...'s confession?
It was a case of 'he said, she said'
"Mother Superior," said the novice nun . . .
"I have to confess that last night I committed the sin of fornication. Six times."
The Mother Superior thought a minute, then sliced up a lemon and handed it to the novice.
"Here, my child," she said. "Take and eat all of this."
"Will this absolve me of my sin?" asked the novice.
"No," said the Mother Superior. "But it will get that smile off your face!"
Confession
A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. "Father O'Malley," he says, "my name is Emil Cohen. I'm seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I'm currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I've never felt better." "My good man," says the priest, "I think you've come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?" And the guy goes: "I'm telling everybody!"
Jake's final conversation
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly:
"I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to" his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace...I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."
Confession
Matthew goes into a confessional box and says "Bless me father for I have sinned, I have been with a loose woman."
The Priest says "is that you Matthew?"
"Yes father, it is I."
"Who was the woman you were with?"
"I cannot tell you for I do not wish to sully her reputation."
The priest asks "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"No father."
"Was it Fiona MacDonald?"
"No father."
"Was it Ann Brown?"
"No father, I cannot tell you."
The priest says "I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys."
Matthew goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and asks "What did you get?" Matthew replies "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads."
A kid goes to church to confess...
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads..."
The confession.
A guy goes in a confessional and tells the priest that last night he meet 4 swedish air hostesses down the pub, went back to their place, snorted coke, drank 20 year old scotch and had s**... all night until the sun came up.
The priest says, "that's terrible my son, what kind of a catholic are you?
Guy says "I'm not a catholic"
The priest says, "what are you telling me all this for then?"
Guy says "I'm telling everyone."
a man goes to confess after 25 years
So the man walks into the confession booth for the first time in his adult life, having nothing but bad memories about it from when he was a child.
So he opens the door, sits down and notices a couple of p**... n**... calenders on the wall, a bottle of whiskey in the corner and a nice box of cigars next to it, and he thinks to himself "Wow, this place has really improved over the years"
But then the Father opens the door and yells "Get out! that's my booth!"
Confession
A man walks into a confessional and sits down,
"Father, last night I was with 3 different women at the same time."
"That's horrible," says the priest. "Are you married? Does your wife know about this adultery?"
"Married? No. Actually, I'm not even Catholic, I just had to tell someone!"
Confessions of a newly wed.
On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isn't sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she's been able to cover up.
After some soul-searching, the husband gathers his nerve and says, I have a confession.
She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, Darling, so do I.
Recoiling, he says, Don't tell me - you've eaten my socks.
Confession
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confessional booth and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally,the drunk replies:"No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."
A man goes to church for confession....
A man goes to Church to confess..............
Man: Hi Father, my five years old Son is very naughty.
He made all the female servants pregnant.
Father: Incredulously, and how on earth did he do it???
Man: He took a pin and punched holes in all my condoms
Pre-
WAR BOARDER
A man in Amsterdam feels the need to confess, so he goes to his priest.
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a r**... in my attic."
"Well," answers the priest, "that's not a sin."'
"But I made him agree to pay me 20 guilders for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh, thank you, Father. That eases my mind. I have one more question."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
One day Bob gets a text from his neighbor...
The text reads: "Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt about something and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you aren't home. Probably more than you, honestly. I know its no excuse, but I don't get it at home. But now, I can't live with this guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again."
Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.
Moments later Bob gets a second text from his neighbor: "Sorry, really should use spell check! That should be 'wifi'."
Edit for clarity.
A Marine received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home...
It read as follows:
---
*Michael*,
*I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is too great and too long. I must confess that I have cheated on you twice, and this situation is not fair for either of us. I'm really sorry.*
*Love, Elizabeth*
*P.S. Please return the picture you have of me*
---
The Marine, his feelings hurt, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they had of mothers, sisters, girlfriends, cousins, ex-girlfriends, or aunts they had. After a while he had obtained a sizeable collection, and so he stuffed them all 62 of them into an envelope, including the picture of Elizabeth, along with this letter:
---
*Elizabeth,*
*I can't quite remember what you look like. Please take your picture from the pile and return the rest.*
*Take care, Michael*
Why didn't the stick of butter confess his feelings?
Because somethings are butter left unsaid.
An old man goes to confession..
An old German man goes to confession one Sunday. He enters the confession, sits down and says "Forgive me Father for I have sinned, and I want to confess". The Priest says "Well my child, what are your sins?". The old man responds "During the war I hid a young Jewish woman from the n**... in return for s**... favours". The Priest, while surprised, says "It was a difficult time, you risked your life to help this woman despite the immoral exchange". "I understand that father" the old man says "But, do you think I should tell her the war is over?".
Courtesy of my Dad!
A dying lawyer
Steve lies dying, as Jack, his law partner of 40 years, sits at his bedside.
"Jack, I've got to confess -- I've been sleeping with your wife for 30 years, I'm the father of your daughter, and I've been stealing from the firm for a decade."
"Relax," says Jack, "and don't think another thing about it. I'm the one who put arsenic in your martini."
A husband was on his deathbed with his wife by his side.
"Honey, I have something to confess to you.", he says.
"No dear, save your energy."
"I must tell you so I may pass on to heaven." He says. "I cheated on you."
"I know." She said. "I poisoned you."
A Dutch and a Belgian are sitting in a bar, watching the evening news.
They see a woman ready to jump from the 6th floor, shouting "I'm going to jump, I'm going to jump!". The dutch says: "I bet she's gonna jump." The Belgian replies: "And I bet she won't." So they bet, and the woman jumps. Then the Dutch tells the Belgian: "I have to confess that I cheated, as I already saw it on the 1pm news." - "Me too", says the Belgian, "I saw it on the 1pm news already. But I did not think that she would be s**... enough to jump twice."
I Am Using Your Wife.
A man received message from his neighbour.
Sorry sir I am using your wife.
I am using day and night.
I am using when u r not present at home.
In fact I am using more than U R using.
I confess this because now I feel very much guilt.
Hope U will accept my sincere apologies.
Man went home and had a big fight with his wife.
Few minutes later he received another massage.
Sorry Sir spelling / auto correct mistake ...
it's not wife but WIFI.
A man got a text from his neighbor: "I'm so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I've been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."
The man anguished and betrayed, went into his room, grabbed his gun and without a word, shot his wife.
A couple of seconds later, another text arrived.
f**... auto correct, I meant "wifi", not "wife"'
I was in the confessional booth today and I asked the priest if he thought it might be a good idea to stop m**....
He said Sure, if it bothers you, I'll stop.
A preacher gives a sermon on the 10 Commandments ...
hoping that when he got to "Thou Shall Not Steal" whoever stole his bike would confess.
No one confessed.
But when he got to the part about "Thou shall not commit adultery" he remembered where he left his bike.
I think my neighbor might be involved in some i**... activities.
I heard him confess to tax evasion when I was smoking m**... in his attic.
Lord of the Bow
So I was telling my friend about my prowess with a bow and arrow yesterday. I said "my best round ever didn't start so well, I only scored 1 point with each of my first two arrows. Got better after that, scored 2 with the next, then 3, then 5. On my 12th and final arrow I managed to score 144."
She was quick to point out that this was impossible, so I had to confess it was a fibbin' archery sequence.
s**... group of countrymen confess to crime
"We'd done it"
Now that everything has settled down, I must confess: I don't think Kevin Spacey is a bad guy
I think he just gets a bad Rapp.
children confess
1st daughter: dad im a lesbian.
Dad: oh okay
2nd daughter: dad im a lesbian too
Dad: Jesus Christ is there anyone in this family who loves men?
Son: i do..
"I wasn't going to confess my predilection for smoking w**... and jerking off in the shower but...
...it is high time i come clean"
I confess: I've m**... myself while driving.
And that was the only time my driving instructor had to stop the car.
Father, I must confess I've been having s**... with two gorgeous models everyday for the past month.
Father: Well, as a good catholic I can't condone this behaviour.
Man: I'm Jewish
Father: What are you telling me for then?
Man: *shrugs* I'm telling everybody.
I cheated on my wife tonight. The guilt is really getting to me... maybe I should confess?
How do I tell her that when she was on the toilet, I took $5000 from the bank and put two houses on Mayfair.
I have a confession. I smoked over the weekend.
In my defense, it was the best chicken I've ever tasted.
Confession: Every now and then I still enjoy listening to one of Bill Cosby's old comedy albums.
Call it a guilty pleasure.
A wealthy man dies and gives his friends $10,000 each
The man wanted his friends, a minister, a United Way executive, and a lawyer, to put the $10,000 into his grave. The man wanted nothing more than to be surrounded by his money forever. At the f**..., each person placed an envelope into the casket.
Later that night, the three started talking. The minister said he needed to confess. He only put $5000 into the grave and gave the rest to the church. The United Way executive said she also needed to admit something. She withheld $8000 for the benefit of several charities. The lawyer couldn't believe the others didn't follow their friend's last wishes, for the lawyer had put in a check for the full $10,000.
I have a confession to make...
I'm addicted to the hokie pokie.....
But it's ok, I've turned myself around.
And that's really what it's all about.
Why did the blanket lie and confess to the m**...?
It was the perfect cover.
Ryu wanted to confess to his lady-crush Chun Li....
So he baked some white fudge treacle tarts and put them down on a table. Ken walked up and was like, "ooh, these tarts smell delicious" and he started to pick one up, when Ryu grabbed the whole plate and did a jumping-spinning kick at Ken while yelling "THESE TARTS AREN'T FOR YOU KEN!"
My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something with a weak voice, "There's something I must confess."
"Shhh" I said "There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright."
"No, I must die in peace" he said, "I had s**... with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker."
"I know" I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you... Now close your eyes."
During confession I told my priest I'd been shooting up a designer drug called "Jesus Christ".
He said "Ten Hail Mary's. Thou shalt not take god's name in vein."
Why didn't Stephen Hawking confess his love to his favorite nurse?
Because of his crippling anxiety
I would like to confess to a m**... and apologize to the entire school,
I mixed up the crows' food with the fish food.
Confession time: I voted for Trump and I truly regret it
I really thought it would get Amy Schumer and Lena Dunham to leave the country.
Hey girl, are you Heaven?
Because I would confess all my sins and accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior just to get in you
A confession
Hey guys in the middle of these important jokes I want to clarify two very important points
. .
Thank you
A guy goes in to a catholic church to confess his sins but Father is still sleeping up stairs half drunk so one of the altar boys tries taking the confession instead
but soon this altar boy is put in a situation where he does not know what to do.
"Euh, excuses me for one sec. I will be right back to let you know what the proper penance is for that sin"
"Psssht, hey danny. Danny!"
"Yeah"
"What does Father give for m**...?"
"Two snickers and a marsbar"
A nun gets into a cab
The cab driver sees her in the backseat and says "I have always had a fantasy about nuns."
She answers "you and everyone else! Are you a Catholic?"
Driver says yes, so she tells him to pull over.
She hops in the front seat and gives him the best b**... he ever had. She gets done and the cabbie feels guilty and says "You know sister, I have to confess. I am not really Catholic."
"That's fine. My name is Ralph and I am going to a costume party."
After saving the universe from Thanos, Thor spent the night with a beautiful woman.
The next morning, Thor says, "Fair maiden, I must confess: I am Thor."
She replies, "*You're* Thor? I can hardly walk."
A blonde and a brunette
decide to go to the movies together. The picture had a scene with a horse race in it. Before the race starts, he brunette turns to the blonde and says "I'll bet you fifty dollars the black horse wins." The blonde says "OK, you're on!" The scene ends with the black horse barely winning, so the blonde pays up. The brunette decides to confess; "I have to admit that I saw this movie last week." The blonde replies, "So did I, but I didn't think that black horse could possibly win a second time!"
About a month ago, a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess.
So he went to his priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a r**... in my attic."
"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."
"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Guilders for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..."
"What is that, my son?"
"Do I have to tell him the war is over?
CONFESSIONS OVER TIME
100 Years Ago: "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned."
Today: "Sorry Daddy, I've been a bad boy.
Whichever the year, you still get d**....
So I confessed to my parents that I like trains
I told them I was Metro s**...
The woman was on the verge of death she asked her seven children to leave the room, and she was left alone with her husband.
She said to him I have something to confess.
Yes?
You know our 7th child, Little Joe?
He's not mine?
No, he is yours.
A man goes to church to confess his sins.
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned," he tells him
"What is it that you've done, my child?"
"Father, I've had premarital s**... with 6 different beautiful women. One for each day since Monday."
The priest takes a good look at him before replying, "Well, son, say 10 hail Mary's and drink a pint of lime juice."
"Will that absolve my sins, Father?"
"No, but it sure as h**... will wipe that s**... smirk on your face!"
A man was dying
A man was dying in hospital. In his last moments, he grips his wife's hand and says:
Before I die, I have to confess to you. I've been sleeping with your best friend for the past year. I'm sorry.
She gently s**... his hair and says:
I know. That's why I poisoned your coffee. Now close your eyes, dear...
Husband...Before I die I need to confess something. Wife..Sssshhh now there's nothing to confess everything is all right.
Husband.. No I must die in peace. I slept with your sister your best friend and two of your co-workers.
Wife..I know. That's why I poisoned you. Rest now.
I whisper my sins to crows
So my parents can't hear me confess to a m**...
Priest and Thief
A thief goes to a priest to confess his crime:
Thief: Father, I have committed a grave crime.
Father: What is it my son?
Thief : I stole the purse of a holyman. What should I do?
Father : You should return it to him, my son.
Thief takes the purse from his pocket and puts it in front of the priest.
Father: Don't put stolen items before me.
Thief: But Father, what if he doesn't take the purse back.
Father: Then you can keep it with you.
Thief: Thank you father.
A man receives a message from a neighbour....
Sorry sir I am using your wife...day and night... When you are not present at home...In fact , much more than you do. I confess this now because I am feeling very guilty. Hope you will accept my sincere apologies."
The man is down with a heart attack and admitted to hospital
The next day he receives another message:
"Sorry sir spelling mistake, it's not wife but wifi".
One man asked another, "Do you often work with rope?"
The second man replied, "I confess, I do knot."
Why couldn't the woman confess to her husband that she'd been born a man?
She didn't have the b**....
100 Nuns
100 nuns are meeting with the priest.
Sisters I must confess, I have had s**... s**... relations with a woman.
99 nuns gasp one nun in the back giggles.
It is Okay, I used a c**....
99 nuns gasp one in back giggles.
The c**... had a hole in it.
99 nuns giggle, one in the back gasps.
A father has something to confess to his daughter
Dad: Daughter i need to tell you something
Daughter: yeah dad, what's up?
Dad: you were adopted
Daughter: o**..., no way, then i want to meet my biological parents!
Dad: Oh yeah, don't worry, that's us! and you already know us, your new parents are coming to pick you up tomorrow.
A few minutes after she was hired, the boss and the secretary got up from the couch in the office and started dressing.
"I want to confess", the secretary says as she lifts her pants.
"I hope it does not mess up our relationship after what has just happened on the couch. But I don't really type as fast as I said in the interview."
"It's okay", the new boss replies, "I want to confess, too, and I hope it doesn't mess up our relationship - I'm not the boss here at all, I'm the cleaner…
A man receives a message from a neighbor...
"Sorry, sir I am using your wife day and night. Usually, when you are not present at home. In fact, much more than you do. I confess this now because I am feeling very guilty. Hope you will accept my sincere apologies."
The man is down with a heart attack and admitted to the hospital.
The next day he receives another message
"Sorry sir for spelling mistake, it's not a wife but wifi".
4 catholic priests are sharing a private compartment on a train
They decided to confess their biggest flaw to each other.
The first priest confesses that he spends most of the church money on booze.
The second priest explains that he blows the church collection betting on horses.
The third priest confesses that he spends the church takings on drugs.
They have opened their souls and revealed their deepest secrets. They look to the last priest and he says "I am a gossip and I can't wait to get off this train".
My wife was dying.
I was by her bedside.
She said in a tired voice, "There's something I must confess."
"Shhh" I said, "There's nothing to confess.
Everything's alright."
"No, I must die in peace. I had s**... with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father."
"I know," I whispered, " That's why I poisoned you."
In a confession booth...
ME: I committed all seven deadly sins in 30 minutes.
PRIEST: Wow I gotta hear this.
ME: I was angry and envious at my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and I didn't share.
PRIEST: You forgot pride.
ME: No, Im pretty proud of this.
Why don't religious people like rap music?
All rappers do is hop in the booth and confess to a bunch of crimes they've committed.
That's Catholicism.
A farmer at the dinner table with his 2 daughters and his son
The farmer is sitting at the dinner table enjoying his meal. When 1 of his daughters speaks up: "Dad I have to confess something ...". "I'm lesbian". The farmer is a bit suprised but replies with: "That's ok darling". Then the second daughter also speaks up: "Euhh I'm also lesbian". To wich the farmer replies: "Does nobody in this house like boys"? To wich the son slowly raises his hand.
I confessed to my girlfriend that I accidentally gave her eyebrow relaxing cream.
She didn't seem to care that much.
