confess Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious confess puns

My boyfriend was dying. I was by his bedside when he said something with a weak voice, "There's something I must confess."

"Shhh" I said "There's nothing to confess. Everything is alright."

"No, I must die in peace" he said, "I had sex with your sister, your best friend and your co-worker."

"I know" I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you... Now close your eyes."

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I was in the confessional booth today and I asked the priest if he thought it might be a good idea to stop masturbating.

He said Sure, if it bothers you, I'll stop.

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a man goes to confess after 25 years

So the man walks into the confession booth for the first time in his adult life, having nothing but bad memories about it from when he was a child.
So he opens the door, sits down and notices a couple of playboy nude calenders on the wall, a bottle of whiskey in the corner and a nice box of cigars next to it, and he thinks to himself "Wow, this place has really improved over the years"

But then the Father opens the door and yells "Get out! that's my booth!"

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My wife was dying...

I was by her bedside.

She said in a tired voice, "There's something I must confess."

"Shhh" I said, "there's nothing to confess. Everything's alright."

"No I must die in peace. I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father."

"I know," I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you."

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My wife was dying..

I was by her bedside. She said in a tired voice "there's something i must confess."
"Sshh" i said. "There's nothing to confess. Everything's alright."
"No. I must die in peace. I fucked your Brother, your best friend, his best friend and your Dad!"
"I know." I whispered. "That's why i poisoned you, you cunt. Now shutup and fucking die!"

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I have a confession to make: I masturbate in the shower.

It feels good to come clean.

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Lord of the Bow

So I was telling my friend about my prowess with a bow and arrow yesterday. I said "my best round ever didn't start so well, I only scored 1 point with each of my first two arrows. Got better after that, scored 2 with the next, then 3, then 5. On my 12th and final arrow I managed to score 144."

She was quick to point out that this was impossible, so I had to confess it was a fibbin' archery sequence.

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Jake's final conversation

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly:

"I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to" his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace...I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

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Father, I must confess I've been having sex with two gorgeous models everyday for the past month.

Father: Well, as a good catholic I can't condone this behaviour.

Man: I'm Jewish

Father: What are you telling me for then?

Man: *shrugs* I'm telling everybody.

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My girlfriend found lipstick in my jacket pocket. I told her straight up I was cheating.

There's no way that I was going to confess that I sell Avon

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Why didn't anyone believe the transsexual's confession?

It was a case of 'he said, she said'

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"Mother Superior," said the novice nun . . .

"I have to confess that last night I committed the sin of fornication. Six times."
The Mother Superior thought a minute, then sliced up a lemon and handed it to the novice.
"Here, my child," she said. "Take and eat all of this."
"Will this absolve me of my sin?" asked the novice.
"No," said the Mother Superior. "But it will get that smile off your face!"

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Three men die, and go to the pearly gates...

St. Peter walks up to the firsts, and he says: "You have lived a good life, but you have cheated on your wife many times. Confess here before your friends, and you will be allowed into heaven."
The man says: "I slept with a different woman every week of my ten-year marriage. I beg for forgiveness."
St. Peter forgives him, and gives him a bicycle. He tells him that he must travel for a thousand miles as penance, and think about his sin.
The second man says:"I was married for five years, and I slept with a different woman as a lover each year. I beg for forgiveness."
St. Peter forgives him, and gives him a motorcycle. He tells him that he must travel for a thousand miles as penance, and think about his sin.
The third man says: "I was married for a month, and stayed faithful throughout. Then my wife died, so I committed suicide so I may be with her."
St. Peter tells him: "I know. Follow me." He then leads him to a helicopter, and tells him to enjoy the ride. The man soon enough passes the other two men, who see him land a short distance away. They eventually catch up to him, and see he is crying.
The first two men ask him: "Why are you crying? You have no sins to atone for!"
The third says: "I just saw my wife... She was skateboarding."

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A Marine received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home...

It read as follows:

---

*Michael*,

*I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is too great and too long. I must confess that I have cheated on you twice, and this situation is not fair for either of us. I'm really sorry.*

*Love, Elizabeth*

*P.S. Please return the picture you have of me*

---

The Marine, his feelings hurt, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they had of mothers, sisters, girlfriends, cousins, ex-girlfriends, or aunts they had. After a while he had obtained a sizeable collection, and so he stuffed them all 62 of them into an envelope, including the picture of Elizabeth, along with this letter:

---

*Elizabeth,*

*I can't quite remember what you look like. Please take your picture from the pile and return the rest.*

*Take care, Michael*

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Four nuns die and appear at the pearly gates.

Four nuns are in a car on a road trip but die in a car accident on the way.

They arrive at the pearly gates in heaven, where St. Peter says "I'm sure you ladies were all good since you're nuns, but you still gotta confess your sins and come clean before I can let you in" as he takes out a bucket of water.

St. Peter asks the first nun "what are you sins?" And the nun confesses that she gave a someone handjob once.

"Which hand?"
"My left hand"
"Place your left hand in this bucket of water and you shall be absolved of your sins"

Then St. Peter asks the 2nd nun the same question.
"I too gave a man a handjob once. With my right hand"
"Place your right hand in this bucket of water and you too shall be absolved of all your sins"

St Peter then asks the 3rd nun about her sins, but the 4th nun cuts him off...

"If you think I'm gargling the water in that bucket after she sticks her ass in it, you're crazy!"

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A man got a text from his neighbor: "I'm so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.

I've been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."

The man anguished and betrayed, went into his room, grabbed his gun and without a word, shot his wife.

A couple of seconds later, another text arrived.
'Fucking auto correct, I meant "wifi", not "wife"'

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A kid goes to church to confess...

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

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Confession

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confessional booth and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally,the drunk replies:"No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."

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Son of a bitch

A teenage girl goest to her priest to confess:

"Father forgive me for I have sinned".

"What did you do, my child?"

"I called Bert a son of a bitch"

"What? But why would you do that, my child?"

"Because he touched my thigh, my father"

"Ok, but see i'm touching your thigh and I am no son of a bitch, am I?"

"Of course not, father, but Bert, he groped my boobs"

"Alright, but here I am touching your boobs and I'm still not a son of a bitch, right?"

"Of course not, father, but Bert, he turned me around and he fucked me hard"

"Ok, but I've just turned around and I'm fucking you right now and it still doesn't make me a son of a bitch, does it?"

"It doesn't, father, but Bert ... he's got AIDS"

*pushing her away* "SON OF A BITCH!!"

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An old man goes to confession..

An old German man goes to confession one Sunday. He enters the confession, sits down and says "Forgive me Father for I have sinned, and I want to confess". The Priest says "Well my child, what are your sins?". The old man responds "During the war I hid a young Jewish woman from the Nazis in return for sexual favours". The Priest, while surprised, says "It was a difficult time, you risked your life to help this woman despite the immoral exchange". "I understand that father" the old man says "But, do you think I should tell her the war is over?".

Courtesy of my Dad!

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A girl goes to a Church to confess.....

Girl : "Forgive me father for I have sinned."


Priest : "What have you done my child?"


Girl : "I called a man a son of a bitch."


Priest : "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"


Girl : "Because he touched my hand."


Priest : "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)


Girl : "Yes father."


Priest : "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."


Girl : "Then he touched my breast."


Priest : "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)


Girl : "Yes father."


Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."


Girl : "Then he took off my clothes, father."


Priest : "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)


Girl : "Yes father."


Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."


Girl : "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."


Priest : "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)


Girl : "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"

(after a few minutes)


Priest : "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."


Girl : "But father, he had AIDS!"


Priest : "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

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Four religious men of the cloth go on a fishing trip...

That night in the fish house they decide to confess their greatest sin to each other. The Catholic priest says, "my greatest sin is lust. I look at porn constantly online and when I can I have crazy sex with parishioners." The Rabbi says "my sin is greed. I never give to charities and sometimes steal from the Temple." The Islamic imam says, "my sin is gluttony. At least once a week I go to the liquor store for a six-pack and then head to McDonalds in the middle of the night and get a big bag of Big Macs, Bacon cheese burgers and fries and eat and drink it all while sitting in the parking lot." The Baptist minister says, "My greatest sin is gossip and I can't wait to get back to town!"

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A Dutch and a Belgian are sitting in a bar, watching the evening news.

They see a woman ready to jump from the 6th floor, shouting "I'm going to jump, I'm going to jump!". The Dutch says: "I bet she's gonna jump." The Belgian replies: "And I bet she won't." So they bet, and the woman jumps. Then the Dutch tells the Belgian: "I have to confess that I cheated, as I already saw it on the 1pm news." - "Me too", says the Belgian, "I saw it on the 1pm news already. But I did not think that she would be stupid enough to jump twice."

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One day Bob gets a text from his neighbor...

The text reads: "Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt about something and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you aren't home. Probably more than you, honestly. I know its no excuse, but I don't get it at home. But now, I can't live with this guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again."



Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.


Moments later Bob gets a second text from his neighbor: "Sorry, really should use spell check! That should be 'wifi'."

Edit for clarity.

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Confession

Matthew goes into a confessional box and says "Bless me father for I have sinned, I have been with a loose woman."

The Priest says "is that you Matthew?"

"Yes father, it is I."

"Who was the woman you were with?"

"I cannot tell you for I do not wish to sully her reputation."

The priest asks "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"No father."

"Was it Fiona MacDonald?"

"No father."

"Was it Ann Brown?"

"No father, I cannot tell you."

The priest says "I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys."

Matthew goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and asks "What did you get?" Matthew replies "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads."

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A wealthy man dies and gives his friends $10,000 each

The man wanted his friends, a minister, a United Way executive, and a lawyer, to put the $10,000 into his grave. The man wanted nothing more than to be surrounded by his money forever. At the funeral, each person placed an envelope into the casket.

Later that night, the three started talking. The minister said he needed to confess. He only put $5000 into the grave and gave the rest to the church. The United Way executive said she also needed to admit something. She withheld $8000 for the benefit of several charities. The lawyer couldn't believe the others didn't follow their friend's last wishes, for the lawyer had put in a check for the full $10,000.

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Jake was on his deathbed

His wife, Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his side.

He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

"My darling Susan," he whispered.

"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Don't talk."

He was insistent. "Susan," he said in his tired voice. "I have something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Susan. "Everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother."

"I know," she replied. "That's why I poisoned you."

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A bunch of nuns are in line..

So this was back in the day, a group of nuns worked in a hospital as nurses and it was time for confessional. The priest was in a bit of a rush so he asked the nuns to form a line and confess their sins in public.

The first nurse blushed and nervously said:

- I was changing Mr. Thompson's bandages and well, I saw his penis !

The priest gasped in shock and ordered her to rinse her eyes out in the Holy Water basin and say 10 Hail Mary's. He then asks the second nun to confess her sins.

- I was changing Mr. Thompson's bandages and well, I, um, I touched his penis !

The priest can't believe what he is hearing and orders her to wash her hands in the Holy Water basin and say 20 Hail Mary's. He then asks the third nun in line to confess her sins.

- I was changing Mr. Thompsons bandages when...

"Wait" Yells out the fourth nun in line.

- Can I go rinse my mouth before she sticks her ass in there ?

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An elderly Italian man went to his parish priest

and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do you think I should tell her that the war is over?"

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An Irishman's Confession...

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put Β£50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying,

"I saw that you didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the Β£50 on the box and, according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

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I have a baby sized penis.

Jim and Sandy had been dating for a year but decided to wait until marriage to do anything sexual. On their 1 year anniversary Jim proposed to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of an 8 year old. He said that it was OK because he loved her so much.

Jim felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity too.

Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said, "I too have a problem. I have a baby sized penis. I hope you could deal with that once we are married."

Sandy thought about it for a second, and then decided that she loved Jim enough to get over this fact.

Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another. Finally, just as Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find
out what was wrong.

"You told me you penis was the size of a baby!", she said.

"It is! 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 and a half inches long!"

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Three nuns die and go to heaven... [NSFW]

.. Peter welcomes them at the gate and says:

"Before I can let the three of you enter Heaven, I have to ask you a question. It will simply be formality for you, but I have to anyways". He approaches the first nun and asks "Do you have any sin to confess? " The nun looks down and confesses, shamefully, that she did committed a sin and it was of sexual nature. What is it? asks Peter I gave a handjob to our priest .
Disconcerted, Peter presents a fountain to the nun and tells her Wash your hands in the holy water and you can enter the gate . She washes her hands and enters heaven.
Peter then approaches the second nun and asks Do you have any… Suddendly, the third nun runs to the fountain, takes a big sip of holy water and washes her mouth. Peter, taken aback, yells at her Ya allah ! What the heck are you doing ?"

The third nun spits and yells back "Well, I'd rather do it now than after she washes her asshole in it "

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Autocorrect Disaster

A man decides to confess to his friend a secret he's been keeping for a long time over text.

I am so sorry Charlie. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
The man, anguished and betrayed, immediately went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.
A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn autocorrect. I meant 'WiFi' not 'wife'.

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Confession (NSFW)

An old man walks into a church, and sits down in the confessional booth. The priest opens up the divider and says "Tell me your troubles my son"
The old man says "Father, i've been happily married the last 50 years to a beautiful woman. But the other day I was driving down the road and picked up two young female hitch hikers. I gave them a ride to the nearest place, which was a motel. To thank me they took me inside and gave me the best night of my life. The gave me head, fucked me till I was dry, even let me perform anal on one of them while she ate the other out.

The priest says "It's understandable my son, we all give in to desires every so often. Your penance shall be 10 hails mary's and 20 our fathers. "

The old man says "Penance? But I'm not catholic!"

To which the priest responds "If you're not catholic then why are you telling me all of this?"

And the old man says "Are you kidding me? I'm telling everyone!"

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The three nuns

there were four nuns in waiting at the entrance to heaven. god appears and says "confess your sins and you may enter this holy place", so the first nun says "i once saw a penis". so god says "fear not, wash your eyes in this bowl of holy water and enter". so she washed her eyes and carried on. The second nun steps up and says "i once touched a penis", so god says "fear not, wash your hands in this bowl of holy water and enter". so she washed her hands and carried on. suddenly the fourth nun ran front the third nun and god said "sister, why are you racing to the front of the line?". and the nun said "i am not drinking the same water she washed her ass with."

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What are the most funny Confess jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Confess? Well, here are the best Confess dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Confess pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes