Conductor Jokes
142 conductor jokes and hilarious conductor puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about conductor that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for some new musical humor? Check out our collection of entertaining jokes about bus conductors, orchestra conductors, band conductors, choir conductors, and change conductors. Put your comedic conductor skills to the test and start practising with these funny jokes about railway conductors and locomotives!
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- Short Conductor Jokes
- Conductor One Liners
- Train Conductor Jokes
- Orchestra Conductor Jokes
- Bus Conductor Jokes
- Band Conductor Jokes
- More Conductor Jokes
Funniest Conductor Short Jokes
Short conductor jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The conductor humour may include short conduit jokes also.
- My boss said to me, You're the worst train conductor we have ever had. How many derailments have you had this year? I said, I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track.
- String Fight My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments. If only I had known about her history of violin.
- What's the difference between a bipolar conductor and a violinist who has been told not to stand out? One varies their bravado, the other buries their vibrato
- There is a Hispanic train conductor going around committing horrible crimes.. No one knows why, but it's clear he has a loco motive.
- A man steals and crashes a train and is then given the electric chair, but nothing happens. guess he was a bad conductor
- A man walks into his orchestra rehearsal... carrying some corn on the cob as his instrument.
The conductor asks him Will you need any sheet music?
The man replies, Nah, I'll play it by ear. - Why did the music conductor get arrested? For misconduct.
Bonus - why did the violinist get arrested?
For violence. - A train conductor was struck by lightning 15 times and miraculously survived It turns out he was a bad conductor
- I met a man in prison who said he was a conductor... I found this especially true when I saw him on the electric chair
- TIL that people who've crashed a train before are impervious to being struck by lightning. Because they're bad conductors.
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Conductor One Liners
Which conductor one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with conductor? I can suggest the ones about conducts electricity and performer.
- Top 13 facts you NEVER knew about non-conductors. #7 won't shock you.
- If lightning strikes an orchestra, who is most likely to get hit? The conductor.
- What does a Muslim train conductor say before he starts his train? ALLAH BOARD!
- Did you hear about the orchestra that got electrocuted? Some blame it on the conductor.
- What drove the conductor to commit his heinous crimes? His loco motives.
- My music teacher got electrocuted yesterday Unfortunately he was a great conductor.
- Why was the spanish conductor arrested? He had some loco motives
- What's the key to becoming a good conductor ? Train
- Why did the Mexican train conductor get arrested? He had Loco motives
- Why are trains so energetic? They have Conductors.
- Did you hear about the Mexican train conductor who killed everyone? He had locomotives.
- I was thinking of becoming a railway conductor... Then I thought of all the training.
- What does a train conductor do when he's angry? He blows off some steam
- An orchestra was hit by lightning Only the conductor died
- What do you call a Dodge made out of silicon? A Hemi-conductor!
Train Conductor Jokes
Here is a list of funny train conductor jokes and even better train conductor puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- So the interviewer asked the applicant if he had any experience as a conductor. He responded, "Yeah, I've done a bit of training"
- Why cant train drivers be sentenced to the electric chair? Because they're bad conductors.
- I took my orchestra onto a train one day The conductor was rubbish
- Why didn't the criminal train operator die when he got the electric chair? he was a bad conductor.
- What Does A Muslim Train Conductor Say Allah-Board!
- Why do electricians like talented train drivers? Because they're good conductors
- Why was the train conductor depressed? He felt like his life was just going in circles.
- Why should you never let a non-metal drive a train? Because they're poor conductors!
(I know they're called Engineers but cut me some slack, I thought of this in the 9th grade.) - Planned Parenthood as a train: Conductor: All Aboorrttttttt!
- It must be really easy being a train conductor All you have to do is stay on track
Orchestra Conductor Jokes
Here is a list of funny orchestra conductor jokes and even better orchestra conductor puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why is that guy directing the orchestra so electrifying? Because he is the conductor.
- An orchestra which can play electrifying music... ...must have a good conductor.
- Why didn't the orchestra worry about the thunderstorm? They didn't have a good conductor.
- An orchestra went to the desert Which member felt the warmest?
The conductor. - I got fired from my job as an orchestra conductor... ...for repeatedly looking out of the window.
I had to face the music. - So my Orchestra conductor keeps telling the Violas to play louder... I guess it just isn't their Forte. ;)
- What do you tell a conductor when they lose control of their orchestra? Go Bach and get a Handel on it!
- Although some countries may argue against this, we the french know for a fact that the best Orchestra conductors come from France Well, we offer the least resistance.
- A boy in an orchestra is constantly being bullied He asks the Conductor what to do.
The Conductor responds, "Why are you scared boy? Take a stand!" - I was thinking to my myself earlier.... ...orchestra conductors are brilliant h**... impersonators
Bus Conductor Jokes
Here is a list of funny bus conductor jokes and even better bus conductor puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Two ladies fighting for a seat in a bus .. Two ladies fighting for a seat in a bus .. Bus conductor : The older one should sit here
Both looked at each other
And the seat remained empty :p - The electrons were not allowed into the bus The bus had a bad conductor
- A conductor kissed a g**... the bus He was arrested and the police gave him electric shocks but it had no effect.
Because he was a bad conductor.
Sorry guys.
Band Conductor Jokes
Here is a list of funny band conductor jokes and even better band conductor puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's a band conductor's favorite cereal? Flute loops.
- TIL that on Cybertron, Optimus Prime was originally in charge of a marching band. He was a semi-conductor.
Experience Good Cheer with Hilarious Conductor Jokes and Friends
What funny jokes about conductor you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean musician jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make conductor pranks.
How to be Insulting on Public Transportation: Pretend to be foreign when the conductor asks for your fare and try to give him the wrong denomination of money.
Stalin, Kruschev, and Brezhnev are riding a train when it suddenly grinds to a halt.
Stalin says, "I know what to do. We shoot the conductor, the ticket collector, and ten passengers at random. Then the train will run again."
"No, I have a better idea," says Kruchev. "We tell everyone on the train that true communism is just around the corner! Then the train will run again."
"Tovarishi, you're trying too hard," Brezhnev cuts in. "We simply close the curtains, lean back and have a v**..., and *pretend* the train is running!"
Lawyers and Engineers
Three lawyers and three engineers are at a train station on their way to a conference. The lawyers line up and buy three tickets, but the engineers only buy one ticket between the three of them. The lawyers are confused, and ask how the engineers plan on taking the train with only one ticket. The engineers just tell them to wait and see.
So they all board the train. The lawyers each take a seat, but the engineers all crowd in to a bathroom. The train starts moving and the conductor comes around punching tickets. He punches each of the lawyers' tickets, and then knocks on the bathroom door and says "Ticket please!" The engineers crack open the door and slide out the one ticket, which the conductor punches and then slides back through the door.
The lawyers think this is pretty clever, so on the return trip, they buy one ticket for the three of them, but then the engineers don't buy any tickets at all. The lawyers ask how the engineers plan on taking the train without any tickets, and the engineers just tell them to wait and see.
So once again they board the train. The three lawyers crowd into one bathroom, and the three engineers crowd into another bathroom. Once the train starts moving, one of the engineers exits the bathroom, knocks on the door of the lawyers' bathroom, and says "Ticket please!"
What did the Muslim train conductor say to the passengers as they were getting on?
Allah-board
Charlie the Street Car Conductor
Long joke that is passed down in my family
So down in New Orleans there lived a man named Charlie. Charlie ever since he was a young boy wanted to grow up to be a streer car conductor. When he finally became old enough, he applied for the job and lo and behold he got it. Now Charlie was the friendliest street conductor that the city has ever seen. Not only did he never complain about his job, but also he greeted everyone who boarded his street car and treated them like family. Everything in his life was perfect for Charlie until one day he decided to operate the street car after having a few drinks. In his drunken state, he crashed the streetcar and killed all the passengers. After going to court Charlie was sentences to death by the eletric chair. When the day came for his execution, a gaurd visited Charlie's cell and asked him what he wanted for his final meal. Charlie replied, "I want a rotten tomato and a raw fish." After Charlie finished his meal he headed into the execution room and sat down in the eletric chair. The warden gave the order to pull the switch and the room went dark as thousands of volts passed through Charlies body. After the switch was thrown back it came as a suprise that Charlie was in fact still alive. Having no idea what else to do the warden let Charlie out of jail but banned him from ever operating a streetcar in New Orleans. Since street cars were his life Charlie decided "Hey I'll go to Japan, I hear they have fancy new street cars there." In Japan Charlie gets a job as a conductor again, but as before decides that after having a few drinks that he is still able to work the street car. To no suprise Charlie crashes the stree car and kills all the passengers. Charlie again finds himself in jail ordering his last meal. "A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. After the meal was eaten, Charlie was led to the chair and once again survives the eletricity. Because he wasn't dying, he was set free but banned from operating the street cars in Japan. Charlie thought to himself, "Well I heard San Francisco still has street cars operating so I'll go there." As you can guess Charlie ends up in the same situation and again orders the same meal " A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. The warden from San Francisco had heard of Charlie and his previous death sentences so before he brought Charlie in to be executed he sent a letter to the mayor asking to reroute the city's eletricity to the jail. The mayor approved and confident with his new found power the warden smiled and gave the order to pull the switch. The lights in the room burst from the overload and the smell of something burning overwelmed the air. The warden after a minute ordered the gaurd to shut off the chair and as the smoke cleared, there was Charlie same as always. Distraught with emotion, the warden told Charlie to get out of his sights. Charlie, tired of going to jail, finally decided that maybe he shouldn't be a street car conductor after all. So Charlie travels back to New Orleans and meets his friend Thibodaux at a bar. Thibodaux after a few minutes of small talk tells Charlie "Everyone has heard about the eletric chair incidents and I just gotta axe, how were you able to survive all them jolts of electricity through your body? Was there something you did that made you resistant to it?" Charlie looks at Thibodaux and says "I dunno, I guess I was just a bad conductor."
Has anyone here heard of the Mexican train conductor who went crazy and ran over a bunch of people?
He had locomotives!
What does a zombie conductor say?
Traaaains.
Sunday in church after St. Patrick's Day
It was a sunday after St. Patrick's day in the church of a small village in the west of Ireland. Obviously all the people were more or less hungover, which infuriated the pastor of the village.
"It's a disgrace how we celebrate our most important saint by indulging in binge drinking and other improper activities. If I could have all the wine in the world, I would throw it in the river!"
There was a wave of murmur among the churchgoers.
"If I could have all the beer in the world, I would throw it in the river as well!"
The people put their heads down in guilt, thinking about what they had done.
"If I could have all the SPIRITS in the world, I would throw them in the river with the beer and the wine!"
Now the church was completely silent.
After a short while, the musical conductor of the church spoke up, "Now let us sing hymn number 369, *'Shall We Gather at the River?'*"
---
I heard this story from the ambassador of Ireland in Finland.
The nice old lady..
An old lady always gave the bus conductor cashew nuts and almonds to eat.
Conductor: "So kind of you to give me those nuts to eat everyday. Why don't you eat them yourself?"
Old Lady: "I don't have the teeth to munch them."
Conductor: "Then why do you buy them?"
Old Lady: "I just love the chocolate around them!" :P :P :P
Why don't many buddhists work in the railroad industry?
they have too many ohms to be good conductors.
Tunnel
Pesimist only sees the darkness in the tunnel.
Optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel.
Realist sees that that light is in fact a train.
The train conductor sees 3 fools on the railroad track.
Why did the train get hit by lighting?
Because of the conductor.
A Conductor ...
What do you call a part time conductor ??
.
.
.
a *semiconductor*
A man runs up to the conductor of a train that is about to depart from a station in Paris...
A man runs up to the conductor of a train that is about to depart from a station in Paris. Panting, he asks the conductor:
"Excuse me, does this train go to Toulouse?"
"Non monsieur," replies the conductor.
"Zis train goes 'WOOOOT WOOOOOOT!'"
Bob was a great guitarist
Until the day he stepped in a puddle while playing his Fender Strat, that was the moment he became a great conductor.
Why couldn't they execute the railway worker with the electric chair?
He was too good a conductor
Crime
A bus conductor was making his rounds for collecting fares. On reaching a mischievous boy, the conductor asked the boy for his fare.
Boy: My name is crime.
Bus Conductor: Who cares?
Boy: Do you know that crime does not pay?
A conductor asked me if I could help him drive a train...
I said, "yeah of course, how hard could it be?" Then I saw how complicated the control panel was. It was then that I realized that I may have bitten off more than I could choo.
What's the worst part about riding a train who's conductor is into b**...?
You can only get off when they tell you to
What was Ted Bundy's last job?
Conductor
Did you hear the one about the train conductor who pled not guilty by insanity?
He had a real loco motive
An optimist sees the light in the tunnel
An optimist sees the light in the tunnel.
A pessimist sees the darkness in the tunnel.
A realist sees the train in the tunnel and the conductor sees 3 idiots on the rails.
How did the train conductor use the insanity defense when she was accused of m**...?
She claimed she had locomotives.
(I'm sorry.)
At the train station...
Lady: Excuse me Sir, is this my train?
Conductor: No Ma'am, it belongs to the Railway Station Company.
Lady: Don't be funny. What I'm trying to ask is if I can take this train to Busan.
Conductor: No Ma'am, it's too heavy.
Did you hear about the conductor who was arrested for inciting violins?
They strung him up, but he didn't fret.
*Cogwheel takes a bow*
My friend was a pretty good guitarist
But that one time he stepped in a puddle while playing his electric guitar on an old, badly grounded amp, he became a great conductor.
What happened to the super-conductor when he lost his job?
He was made 'ohm-less'
I once knew a Colombian conductor.
He was arrested for the m**... of a passenger and in his confession he said he did it because the passenger was wearing pink shoes. I never would have thought that he was capable of something like this, but I must admit he had a locomotive.
Did you hear about why the train conductor committed m**...?
It was a loco motive.
Copper instruments make the symphony sounds so much better than brass.
Copper is a much better conductor.
Three world famous conductors walk into a bar
A fan comes up to them and asks them, What's your secret to being such a successful conductor?
Conductor 1: I just always remember to stay calm and do what I practiced
Conductor 2: I always think about doing it for my family
Conductor three stares at them with a confused look
He says, I don't know what you guys are doing, I'm usually busy making sure I'm not holding onto my electrons to tightly
How come a man driving a train got struck by lightning?
He was a good conductor.
An orchestra is tuning up for a challenging concerto; all but the first chair oboist.
She is not preparing for her performance. As the draw of the curtains approached, the conductor could no longer abide her inaction. He gritted, "why are you not preparing? Why haven't you habituated your instrument?" She retorted, "I don't believe in oboe warming."
Did you hear about the styrofoam man that worked on an electric train?
He was fired because he was an awful conductor.
The bus driver shouts to the conductor
Two women are in a bus fighting bitterly over the last available seat.
The conductor had already tried unsuccessfully to intervene when the bus driver shouted to the conductor, "Let the ugly one take the seat"
Both women stood for the rest of the journey
Three bass players walk into a bar.
They're actually in the middle of performing Beethoven's 9th symphony, but there's a long section near the end where the basses don't play, so they decide to go to the bar next door and grab a drink.
To know when to come back for the end of the symphony, the bassists tie a string to the conductor's score a few pages before they start playing again. When he turns the page, it'll tug on the string and they'll know to head back to the concert hall.
So the symphony goes on, and pretty soon the conductor realizes he's in trouble.
It's the bottom of the ninth, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded.
Did you hear about the Mexican train conductor arrested for m**...?
He had loco-motives
My dog sat watching the orchestra play...
My dog sat watching the orchestra play, he was staring at the conductor and I could see what he was thinking ... for f\*\*\*s sake ..Just throw the f\*\*\*ng thing.
"You're flat!" said the conductor, pointing at the contrabass.
"Maybe," she retorted, "but I've got a spectacular lower end!"
A n**... guy was running to catch up with a bus
He gets on the moving bus just in time, just to find the passengers and the conductor to be staring at him.
"Never seen a n**... passenger before?" He asked, to which the conductor flatly replies, "nah, since ur palms are empty, wondering where you put the bus fare."
Two women were fighting bitterly for the last seat on a bus...
The conductor tried to intervene but it was no use.
Finally, from up the front, the driver said, Just let the ugly one have it!
Both women remained standing for the rest of the trip.
What do you call a Manipulative Music Conductor?
Bachiavellian
How do you call a conductor in the train with the small stature?
Semiconductor
One for the classical music fans [OC]
For those who aren't, Herbert von Karajan was an acclaimed symphony conductor in the 20th century. You need to know that his name is pronounced approximately "KAHRY-on."
Not many people know it, but the maestro actually had a second career outside of music, he was a successful luggage designer.
I mean, surely you've heard of...Karajan Luggage?
Did you hear about the Mexican train conductor wanted for m**...?
The authorities are saying he had loco motives.
Did you hear about the music conductor who was fired for inappropriate behavior?
He was caught maestrobating backstage and his manager saw him a beat off
After an orchestra drummer performed particularly poorly, the conductor sarcastically told him, "when they find someone who can't play any instrument, they give him two sticks and make him the drummer."
The drummer retorted, "and if he can't play that either, they take away one stick and make him the conductor."
An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman, and a Scotsman are all on a hot air balloon.
The conductor almost panicked says, there's too much weight! Someone needs to jump off, or we're going to c**...! The Welshman bravely steps up, For the glory of wales! And the Welshman throws himself off. The conductor still panicked says, okay, we're close but there is still too much weight! The Irishman, in a patriotic manner yells, For Ireland! And throws the Englishman off
A maestro is convicted of murdering his wife, and sentenced to die in the electric chair.
On the night of the execution, he is strapped into the chair and they pull the switch. Nothing happens.
Thinking it must be a power supply problem, they turn off all the lights in the prison and try again. Still nothing.
They turn out all the lights in the town and try again. Nothing.
So, they let him go because he was such a poor conductor.
