Conductor Jokes

Following is our collection of railway puns and train one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Conductor jokes for adults, dirty symphonies jokes and clean superconductor dad gags for kids.

The Best Conductor Puns

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman, and a Scotsman are all on a hot air balloon.

The conductor almost panicked says, there's too much weight! Someone needs to jump off, or we're going to crash! The Welshman bravely steps up, For the glory of wales! And the Welshman throws himself off. The conductor still panicked says, okay, we're close but there is still too much weight! The Irishman, in a patriotic manner yells, For Ireland! And throws the Englishman off

What did the conductor do when half of the cello section called in sick a week before a major concert?

He was forced to resort to excessive violins.

Two women were fighting bitterly for the last seat on a bus...

The conductor tried to intervene but it was no use.

Finally, from up the front, the driver said, Just let the ugly one have it!

Both women remained standing for the rest of the trip.

How did the train conductor use the insanity defense when she was accused of murder?

She claimed she had locomotives.

(I'm sorry.)

An optimist sees the light in the tunnel

An optimist sees the light in the tunnel.
A pessimist sees the darkness in the tunnel.
A realist sees the train in the tunnel and the conductor sees 3 idiots on the rails.


The nice old lady..

An old lady always gave the bus conductor cashew nuts and almonds to eat.

Conductor: "So kind of you to give me those nuts to eat everyday. Why don't you eat them yourself?"

Old Lady: "I don't have the teeth to munch them."

Conductor: "Then why do you buy them?"

Old Lady: "I just love the chocolate around them!" :P :P :P

If lightning strikes an orchestra, who is most likely to get hit?

The conductor.

Did you hear about the Mexican train conductor wanted for murder?

The authorities are saying he had loco motives.

Stalin, Kruschev, and Brezhnev are riding a train when it suddenly grinds to a halt.

Stalin says, "I know what to do. We shoot the conductor, the ticket collector, and ten passengers at random. Then the train will run again."

"No, I have a better idea," says Kruchev. "We tell everyone on the train that true communism is just around the corner! Then the train will run again."

"Tovarishi, you're trying too hard," Brezhnev cuts in. "We simply close the curtains, lean back and have a vodka, and *pretend* the train is running!"

Lawyers and Engineers

Three lawyers and three engineers are at a train station on their way to a conference. The lawyers line up and buy three tickets, but the engineers only buy one ticket between the three of them. The lawyers are confused, and ask how the engineers plan on taking the train with only one ticket. The engineers just tell them to wait and see.

So they all board the train. The lawyers each take a seat, but the engineers all crowd in to a bathroom. The train starts moving and the conductor comes around punching tickets. He punches each of the lawyers' tickets, and then knocks on the bathroom door and says "Ticket please!" The engineers crack open the door and slide out the one ticket, which the conductor punches and then slides back through the door.

The lawyers think this is pretty clever, so on the return trip, they buy one ticket for the three of them, but then the engineers don't buy any tickets at all. The lawyers ask how the engineers plan on taking the train without any tickets, and the engineers just tell them to wait and see.

So once again they board the train. The three lawyers crowd into one bathroom, and the three engineers crowd into another bathroom. Once the train starts moving, one of the engineers exits the bathroom, knocks on the door of the lawyers' bathroom, and says "Ticket please!"

What does a Muslim train conductor say before he starts his train?

ALLAH BOARD!


Charlie the Street Car Conductor

Long joke that is passed down in my family

So down in New Orleans there lived a man named Charlie. Charlie ever since he was a young boy wanted to grow up to be a streer car conductor. When he finally became old enough, he applied for the job and lo and behold he got it. Now Charlie was the friendliest street conductor that the city has ever seen. Not only did he never complain about his job, but also he greeted everyone who boarded his street car and treated them like family. Everything in his life was perfect for Charlie until one day he decided to operate the street car after having a few drinks. In his drunken state, he crashed the streetcar and killed all the passengers. After going to court Charlie was sentences to death by the eletric chair. When the day came for his execution, a gaurd visited Charlie's cell and asked him what he wanted for his final meal. Charlie replied, "I want a rotten tomato and a raw fish." After Charlie finished his meal he headed into the execution room and sat down in the eletric chair. The warden gave the order to pull the switch and the room went dark as thousands of volts passed through Charlies body. After the switch was thrown back it came as a suprise that Charlie was in fact still alive. Having no idea what else to do the warden let Charlie out of jail but banned him from ever operating a streetcar in New Orleans. Since street cars were his life Charlie decided "Hey I'll go to Japan, I hear they have fancy new street cars there." In Japan Charlie gets a job as a conductor again, but as before decides that after having a few drinks that he is still able to work the street car. To no suprise Charlie crashes the stree car and kills all the passengers. Charlie again finds himself in jail ordering his last meal. "A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. After the meal was eaten, Charlie was led to the chair and once again survives the eletricity. Because he wasn't dying, he was set free but banned from operating the street cars in Japan. Charlie thought to himself, "Well I heard San Francisco still has street cars operating so I'll go there." As you can guess Charlie ends up in the same situation and again orders the same meal " A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. The warden from San Francisco had heard of Charlie and his previous death sentences so before he brought Charlie in to be executed he sent a letter to the mayor asking to reroute the city's eletricity to the jail. The mayor approved and confident with his new found power the warden smiled and gave the order to pull the switch. The lights in the room burst from the overload and the smell of something burning overwelmed the air. The warden after a minute ordered the gaurd to shut off the chair and as the smoke cleared, there was Charlie same as always. Distraught with emotion, the warden told Charlie to get out of his sights. Charlie, tired of going to jail, finally decided that maybe he shouldn't be a street car conductor after all. So Charlie travels back to New Orleans and meets his friend Thibodaux at a bar. Thibodaux after a few minutes of small talk tells Charlie "Everyone has heard about the eletric chair incidents and I just gotta axe, how were you able to survive all them jolts of electricity through your body? Was there something you did that made you resistant to it?" Charlie looks at Thibodaux and says "I dunno, I guess I was just a bad conductor."

There is a Hispanic train conductor going around committing horrible crimes..

No one knows why, but it's clear he has a loco motive.

Did you hear about the orchestra that got electrocuted?

Some blame it on the conductor.

After an orchestra drummer performed particularly poorly, the conductor sarcastically told him, "when they find someone who can't play any instrument, they give him two sticks and make him the drummer."

The drummer retorted, "and if he can't play that either, they take away one stick and make him the conductor."

At the train station...

Lady: Excuse me Sir, is this my train?

Conductor: No Ma'am, it belongs to the Railway Station Company.

Lady: Don't be funny. What I'm trying to ask is if I can take this train to Busan.

Conductor: No Ma'am, it's too heavy.

What drove the conductor to commit his heinous crimes?

His loco motives.

Did you hear about the Mexican train conductor arrested for murder?

He had loco-motives

My music teacher got electrocuted yesterday

Unfortunately he was a great conductor.


A maestro is convicted of murdering his wife, and sentenced to die in the electric chair.

On the night of the execution, he is strapped into the chair and they pull the switch. Nothing happens.

Thinking it must be a power supply problem, they turn off all the lights in the prison and try again. Still nothing.

They turn out all the lights in the town and try again. Nothing.

So, they let him go because he was such a poor conductor.

Tunnel

Pesimist only sees the darkness in the tunnel.
Optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel.
Realist sees that that light is in fact a train.
The train conductor sees 3 fools on the railroad track.

A conductor asked me if I could help him drive a train...

I said, "yeah of course, how hard could it be?" Then I saw how complicated the control panel was. It was then that I realized that I may have bitten off more than I could choo.

Why was the spanish conductor arrested?

He had some loco motives

What's the key to becoming a good conductor ?

Train

Why did the music conductor get arrested?

For misconduct.

Bonus - why did the violinist get arrested?

For violence.

The bus driver shouts to the conductor

Two women are in a bus fighting bitterly over the last available seat.

The conductor had already tried unsuccessfully to intervene when the bus driver shouted to the conductor, "Let the ugly one take the seat"

Both women stood for the rest of the journey

A train conductor was struck by lightning 15 times and miraculously survived

It turns out he was a bad conductor

During a zombie apocalypse

Normal Zombies: BRAAINNNNSSS!!
Vegetarian Zombies: GRAAINNNNSSS!!
Body Builder Zombies: GAAINNNNSSS!!
Plumber Zombies: DRAAINNNNSSS!!
Conductor Zombies: TRAAINNNNSSS!!
Weatherman Zombies: RAAINNNNSSS!!
Gamer Zombies: GAMMMMESSS!!
Depressed Zombies: PAINNNNSSS!!
Batman Zombie: BANNNNEEE!!

I met a man in prison who said he was a conductor...

I found this especially true when I saw him on the electric chair

A man walks into his orchestra rehearsal...

carrying some corn on the cob as his instrument.

The conductor asks him Will you need any sheet music?

The man replies, Nah, I'll play it by ear.

Did you hear about the Mexican train conductor who killed everyone?

He had locomotives.

I was thinking of becoming a railway conductor...

Then I thought of all the training.

So the interviewer asked the applicant if he had any experience as a conductor.

He responded, "Yeah, I've done a bit of training"

What does a train conductor do when he's angry?

He blows off some steam

Copper instruments make the symphony sounds so much better than brass.

Copper is a much better conductor.

A man runs up to the conductor of a train that is about to depart from a station in Paris...

A man runs up to the conductor of a train that is about to depart from a station in Paris. Panting, he asks the conductor:
"Excuse me, does this train go to Toulouse?"
"Non monsieur," replies the conductor.
"Zis train goes 'WOOOOT WOOOOOOT!'"

Bob was a great guitarist

Until the day he stepped in a puddle while playing his Fender Strat, that was the moment he became a great conductor.

Two ladies fighting for a seat in a bus ..

Two ladies fighting for a seat in a bus .. Bus conductor : The older one should sit here
Both looked at each other
And the seat remained empty :p

I took my orchestra onto a train one day

The conductor was rubbish

Why didn't the criminal train operator die when he got the electric chair?

he was a bad conductor.

An orchestra was hit by lightning

Only the conductor died

A nude guy was running to catch up with a bus

He gets on the moving bus just in time, just to find the passengers and the conductor to be staring at him.
"Never seen a nude passenger before?" He asked, to which the conductor flatly replies, "nah, since ur palms are empty, wondering where you put the bus fare."

I once knew a Colombian conductor.

He was arrested for the murder of a passenger and in his confession he said he did it because the passenger was wearing pink shoes. I never would have thought that he was capable of something like this, but I must admit he had a locomotive.

My dog sat watching the orchestra play...

My dog sat watching the orchestra play, he was staring at the conductor and I could see what he was thinking ... for f\*\*\*s sake ..Just throw the f\*\*\*ng thing.

Why was the train conductor depressed?

He felt like his life was just going in circles.

What was Ted Bundy's last job?

Conductor

What's the worst part about riding a train who's conductor is into bdsm?

You can only get off when they tell you to

What do you call a Manipulative Music Conductor?







Bachiavellian

Crime

A bus conductor was making his rounds for collecting fares. On reaching a mischievous boy, the conductor asked the boy for his fare.
Boy: My name is crime.
Bus Conductor: Who cares?
Boy: Do you know that crime does not pay?

Did you hear about the conductor who was arrested for inciting violins?

They strung him up, but he didn't fret.

*Cogwheel takes a bow*

It must be really easy being a train conductor

All you have to do is stay on track

A conductor kissed a girl on the bus

He was arrested and the police gave him electric shocks but it had no effect.
Because he was a bad conductor.

Sorry guys.

What does a zombie conductor say?

Traaaains.

Has anyone here heard of the Mexican train conductor who went crazy and ran over a bunch of people?

He had locomotives!

Why did the train get hit by lighting?

Because of the conductor.

An orchestra which can play electrifying music...

...must have a good conductor.

Planned Parenthood as a train:

Conductor: All Aboorrttttttt!

Did you hear about why the train conductor committed murder?

It was a loco motive.

Did you hear about the styrofoam man that worked on an electric train?

He was fired because he was an awful conductor.

There is an abundance of musician jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 59 funniest jokes and conductor puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any cello witze you can hear about conductor.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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