Conductance Jokes
123 conductance jokes and hilarious conductance puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about conductance that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Conductance Short Jokes
Short conductance jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The conductance humour may include short jokes also.
- My son kept chewing on electrical chords, so I grounded him... He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
- We conducted an online survey.... ...and found that out of the world's population, 0% of people are Amish.
- A study conducted by a group of scientists shows that women that have more than 25% body fat live longer than the men who mention it to them
- You child is playing with wires and is getting electrocuted, what can you do? Ground him until he can conduct himself properly.
First word in title should be "your" - A study conducted on representation of persons with disabilities found that blind people were 100% less likely to see themselves represented in the media
- Why can't you take electricity to social events? Because it doesn't know how to conduct itself.
- A recently conducted study reveals... Birthdays are good for health
people with more birthdays were found to have lived longer - Some historians were convinced that Jesus's birth place didn't exist After extensive research they conducted that it Israel
- Between the Stone Age and the Bronze Age, there was The Copper Age... Back then, people really knew how to conduct themselves...
- It's easier to conduct undercover crime investigations on Reddit or Twitter. You don't get followed easily.
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Conductance One Liners
Which conductance one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with conductance? I can suggest the ones about and .
- What was the musician doing when he was struck by lightning? He was conducting.
- Why does lightning shock people? Because it doesn't know how to conduct itself.
- why can't coffee conduct electricity? because it is grounded
- So my kid was eating electric cables So I had to ground him until he conducts better
- How does Ohm conduct an orchestra? Standing on his head!
- Why did the electrician get killed in a debate? He used conductive reasoning.
- Lighting strikes an orchestra who gets hit first? The conducter
.... I'll see myself out - Why did Mozart run to the bathroom? To conduct his next movement.
- Buzzfeed Top 10 least conductive items! Number 6 won't shock you
- Where did fraudulent stone age people conduct business? The concave.
- What do you call it when a cow breaks the law? Dis'udder'ly conduct
- Once, my mom caught me conducting lightning... ...so she grounded me.
- Broke up with my girlfriend because she stopped conducting electricity. She is Ex-Static.
- Did you know that Bob Ross secretly conducted bank heists? He was the Rob Boss.
- I just conducted a survey. I asked 68 men and 2 women what their views were on equality.
Conductance Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about conductance you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make conductance pranks.
Three doctors are out geese-hunting. A gaggle flies over and the oncologist raises and then lowers his gun. "I better conduct an MRI first to determine if those were really geese." Some more geese fly by & the endocrinologist raises his gun and then lowers it. "I'll need some bloodwork to conduct an A1C and determine what those birds were first." Some more geese fly over. The trauma doc raises his shotgun and blows them out of the sky. "What were those things, anyway?" he asks.
Three doctors are out geese-hunting. A gaggle flies over and the oncologist raises and then lowers his gun. "I better conduct an MRI first to determine if those were really geese." Some more geese fly by & the endocrinologist raises his gun and then lowers it. "I'll need some bloodwork to conduct an A1C and determine what those birds were first." Some more geese fly over. The trauma doc raises his shotgun and blows them out of the sky. "What were those things, anyway?" he asks.
A blonde biology student conducts an experiment on grasshoppers.
She pulls off one of its legs at a time and yells, "Hop."
The grasshopper hops each time until all of its legs are gone.
The blonde concludes: when all the legs of a grasshopper are removed, it becomes deaf.
A Lawyer and the Pope died at the same time, both went to heaven.
They were met at the Pearly Gate by St. Peter who conducted them to their rooms.
The Pope's room was spartan with bare floor, army cot for a bed, and a single bulb for light.
They came to the Lawyer's room.
It was huge with wall to wall carpeting, king sized water bed, indirect lighting, color TV, stereo, Jacuzzi and fully stocked bar.
The Lawyer said, "There must be a mistake. This must be the Pope's room!"
St Peter said, "There's no mistake. This is your room. We have lots of Pope's, but you're our very first Lawyer!"
I've been conducting a survey on the general public's thoughts on blenders.
So far it has had mixed reactions.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is hiring for an accounting position, and is conducting interviews for each of the hopefuls.
The first accountant walks in and starts to introduce himself.
Accountant1: I'm here for ther job, I'm great at d-
Boss: what's 2+2?
Accountant1: 4
Boss: get out
Sad, disappointed, and a little confused, the accountant slowly leaves the office. Then a new, fresh accountant comes in.
Accountant2: hey I'm here for the-
Boss: what's 2+2?
Accountant2: 4
Boss: get out.
Just as confused as accountant1, number 2 leaves thinking that if the boss is that s**... he doesn't want to work there anyways. On the way out, a new accountant walks into the office.
Accountant3: hi, I'm here for the ne-
Boss: what's 2+2?
Accountant3: anything you want it to be.
Boss: you're hired.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A New Study Conducted on Asians (A joke I came up with,but still not sure if a repost)
A new study conducted on Asians shows that the long held to be true stereotype is partially false. In fact, only 50% of Asians have small p**....
The other 50% are women.
After Quasimodo's death....
Bishop Thomas of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing while several applicants demonstrated their skills, he decided to call it a day.
Just then a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.
Bishop Thomas was incredulous. 'You have no arms.'
'No matter,' said the man, 'observe!' He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, while rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop immediately rushed down the stairways. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, 'Bishop, who was this man?'
'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied, 'but his face rings a bell.'
Blonde Research Study
An American research firm is tasked with conducting a study to determine if blonde women truly are less intelligent than everyone else. To do this, they host a convention for blonde women at an airport Hilton. At the orientation meeting, the chief researcher greets the crowd in a large banquet room. "Thank you all so very much for coming", the researcher remarks. "We'll have a number of seminars and activities in which you will all participate this weekend, but to get things started, I'd like to select one of you to come up on stage and answer a few math questions as a bit of an icebreaker".
A voluptuous young blonde woman is selected to come on stage, and so begins the researcher's questions. "What is 30 + 40?", asks the researcher. "Ummmmm....80?", responds the blonde. Upon hearing the answer, the crowd shouts "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE".
The researcher, playing along, replies "Alright alright. What is 15 + 15?". The blonde, a bit hesitant now to embarrass herself again, replies, albeit a bit apprehensively "Uhhhhhh...40??". The crowd, eager to support this poor woman, shouts once again "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE".
The researcher, now chuckling at the apparent ineptitude of the woman onstage with him, replies "Ok ok ok one last shot. What is 2 + 2?". The woman's demeanor immediately picks up, as she's certain she knows the answer this time. Confidently, she responds "Four!". Immediately, the crowd again shouts "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE".
A new test was conducted to study how fat Americans are getting; the test results are as follows:
60% are deemed overweight
30% are deemed morbidly obese
10% ate the test
WalMart's own brand of wine
WalMart announced that sometime in 2013 it will begin offering customers a new discount item: WalMart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the wines at affordable prices in the $2 to $5 range.
Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of the WalMart brand into their shopping carts but, 'There is a market for inexpensive wine,' said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at University of Arkansas, Bentonville. 'However, branding will be very important.'
Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the WalMart wine brands and varieties.
The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:
10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar
2. Grape Expectations
1. Nasti Spumante
The beauty of Walmart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).
P.S. Don't bother writing back to tell me that this is a hoax. I know possum is not white meat.
Ouch
A man (let's call him Bob) goes to his best friend who happens to be a doctor (let's call him Marv).
Bob: Marv, I need to ask you a favor.
Marv: Yea, Bob. No problem, what can I do for you?
Bob: I have here $5,000. I want you to castrate me.
Marv: But, Bob --
Bob: No, Marv, I've thought about this, I'm a little embarrassed, just take the $5,000 dollars and please don't fight me on this.
Marv, thinks and decides that he's not one to say no to $5,000 for a simple procedure and agrees. He conducts the operation.
In an hour or so Bob wakes up from the anesthesia.
Bob: Is it done?
Marv: Yea, it is. Also while I was doing the operation I noticed you weren't circumcised, and I really believe it's healthier, so I wanted to offer you that option now.
Bob: CIRCUMCISED! That's the word!
A study was just conducted to see what the #1 fear in humans is
The results came back, and it's cats. But something seems a little off. They've only done testing on mice so far
Two spoons...
A man and his wife were seated in a restaurant, when the man noticed that all the waiters carried two spoons in their vest pocket.
Curious, the man asked their waiter the reason for this.
"Well, sir," the waiter explained, "an efficiency study conducted by the management determined that the most frequently dropped silverware item is a spoon. Therefore, all waiters carry two spoons so that the item can be instantly replaced."
As the waiter was offering the explanation to the couple, they noticed there was a string hanging out of the fly of his pants.
"What about that?" the man asked, discreetly pointing to the string.
"That, sir, is the result of another efficiency study." the waiter replied.
"When we need to go to the bathroom, we use the string to pull ourselves out and aim. Therefore, we do not have to stop to wash our hands."
"I understand how you can get yourself out and aim," the man said, "but how do you go about getting yourself back in?"
"I don't know about the other waiters, sir," the waiter replied, "but I use the two spoons!"
4 MBA students went out on a night before their exam and were boozing hard.
They did not study for the test and thought of a plan to escape. So they went to their dean looking weary and worn out, their dresses covered in grease and dirt.
They told their dean that they had all gone to a wedding the previous day and while coming back their car tire had blown up. So they had to push the car all way back to the hostel as there was no help available on the way. So they said that they were not in a position to write the test that day and asked him to conduct a retest later.
The dean being a kind man he was asked them to come to a retest 3 days later.
The boys were very happy and went to prepare in full swing.
After 3 days the dean asked them to come for the test.
The dean said that the test had 2 questions for 100 marks.
He said that they had to write the test in separate rooms.
As the boys had prepared well they agreed. The test went as follows.
TEST
Q.1 Write your name
Q.2 Which tire burst?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Inspection
While conducting a routine inspection, the colonel arrived at the mess hall door where he met 2 KPs with a large soup kettle.
"Let me taste that," the colonel snapped. One of the men fetched a big spoon and handed it respectfully to the CO, who plunged the ladle into the p**... and took a large mouth-full of the steaming liquid, smacking his lips critically.
Then he let out a roar that could be heard back at headquarters. "Do you call that soup?" He bellowed.
"No, sir," explained one of the KPs. "Its dishwater we were just throwing out"
Help! Performing in front of a deaf audience, and need an appropriate opening joke or two
Tomorrow I'm conducting a charity benefit for a large state wide deaf education foundation. I'll be in front of ~500 people talking. I Want at least one slightly edgy jokes that would cater to this sort of rich (and largely deaf) audience.
"Once upon a time, Three Little Pigs walk into a bar. The first pig orders 10 beers, downs them, and then asks for the bathroom. The second pig orders 15 beers, downs them, and asks for the bathroom. The third pig orders 20 beers, downs them, and then sits there eating peanuts.
"Aren't you going to ask for the bathroom?" asks the bartender.
"Nope. I'm the pig who goes wee-wee-wee all the way home.""
The secret services of the USA, Israel and Russia argue about which is most effective.
An impartial Swiss judge releases a rabbit into thick woods and instructs them to find it.
The CIA and NSA conduct months of testing, hacking and spying before concluding that rabbits don't exist.
The Mossad torches the forest and proudly proclaims that the rabbit has been taken care of.
The FSB goes into the adjacent woods. An hour later, it comes out dragging a bloodied bear, who howls "Okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ninety-sixing is how dyslexic people perform the s**... position where both partners are conducting o**... s**... on each other at the same time.
UN Food Survey Fails...
UN Phone Survey
Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a complete failure because:
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
And in Australia , New Zealand and Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Woman beats BF who f**... in her face then she was arrested for assault.
she was arrested for
disodorly conduct....
What did the physicist say to the two women he was trying to pick up at the bar?
"Do you ladies wanna go back to my place and conduct a double slit experiment?"
From the Hospital...
Husband: Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the Hospital. They have been conducting examinations and tests and taking X-rays. The blow to my head, though very strong, will not have any serious or lasting injury. But I have three broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have to amputate my right foot.
Wife: Who is Tina?
When Yoshi gets sick from eating too many goombas, what procedure should Dr. Mario conduct?
A Nintendoscopy!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the scientist who was conducting s**... experiments on dogs say to his partner?
"If you need me, I'll be in the lab."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
NASA sends a r**... and a chimpanzee to the moon.
When the rocket lands on the moon's surface, the computer screen automatically switches itself on & the chimpanzee clicks on the desktop file that contains his instructions:-
1)....Ensure that rocket has landed at the correct co-ordinates and is anchored safely.
2)....Check ALL life support systems.
3)....Prepare laboratory for analysing samples.
4)....Put on space suit, step outside of rocket on to the surface, collect soil and rock samples, return to laboratory, conduct tests on samples and report back to Houston giving us your "best guess" as to whether or not the Moon is adequate for terraforming.
The chimp clicks out of his file & runs off to do his duties. The r**... then sits in front of the computer and clicks on *his* file:-
1)....Feed the chimpanzee.
What movement does a conductor conduct after eating too many burritos?
Tacobell's Cannon.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A new study has shown that women who get more sleep have better s**....
Unfortunately, the study was conducted by Bill Cosby
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
r**... Gamers
A recent survey conducted asked about a thousand 13-year old gamers what they had done last week.
92% said "your mum"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bob is being interviewed for a police officer job...
The captain conducting the interview starts with some general knowledge questions. The captain asks "what is the national animal of America?". Bob correctly answers "bald eagle". The next question "how many states are there in America?". Again Bob answers correctly "50 States". The captain asks the last general knowledge question "who killed Abraham Lincoln?". Bob is stumped by this question and thinks for a long time. He finally says "I don't know". Disappointed that the candidate couldn't answer a simple history question he dismisses Bob saying "you really should go find out". Bob leaves the interview and goes home. His wife asks "how'd the interview go?" Bob replies with a big smile on his face, "Great! I've already been assigned to a m**... investigation"
What does it mean "the rest of the world?
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
I was thrown out of the hospital for improper conduct with children
Apparently dressing up like the grim reaper and pointing at anti-vaxxer's kids isn't okay.
A blind judge conducted a trial..
And even after no one managed to provide a substantial incriminating evidence he still condemned the defendant.
he couldn't see the truth.
Copper is highly conductive of electricity.
Does that make it "powermetal?"
A recent study conducted in Germany by Professor Bernd Ottovordemgentschenfelde proves that 99.9% of people
skip his name
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
h**... and Pol p**... were considered two of the worst dictators in the world...
But at least they managed to conduct large amount of medical research without harming animals.
Why don't hipsters bother with electrical conductivity in Periodicity?
Because it's the current trend
Donald Trump has his daily intelligence briefing.
"We're almost done, Mr. President-Elect," says the man conducting the briefing, "just one more small piece of information."
"Bring it on."
"5 Brazilian soldiers were killed last night"
"That certainly isn't a good thing," replies Trump, "but if you don't mind, could you refresh my memory on one thing?"
"Of course, Mr. Trump, what do you need?"
"How many is a Brazilian?"
Why I Joined the Air Force
The DOD was conducting an all service briefing and the leader posed this question.
What would you do if you found a scorpion in your tent?
A sailor said, I'd step on it.
A soldier said, I'd squash it with my boot.
A marine said, I'd catch it, break the stinger off, and eat it.
An Airman said. I'd call room service and find out why there's a tent in my room.
A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman -
"Which book has helped you most in your life?"
The woman replied - "My husband's cheque book !!
According to a recent national poll, American's least favourite colour is...
Brown.
(Poll conducted by the Federal Elections Commission)
A Pope and a lawyer meet by the Pearly Gates.
A Lawyer and the Pope died at the same time, both went to heaven.
They were met at the Pearly Gate by St. Peter who conducted them to their rooms.
The Pope's room was spartan with bare floor, army cot for a bed, and a single bulb for light.
They came to the Lawyer's room.
It was huge with wall to wall carpeting, king sized water bed, indirect lighting, color TV, stereo, Jacuzzi and fully stocked bar.
The Lawyer said, "There must be a mistake. This must be the Pope's room!"
St Peter said, "There's no mistake. This is your room. We have lots of Pope's, but you're our very first Lawyer!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ranchers in Colorado are conducting a crucial experiment on the environmental sustainability of using h**... as a feed source for cattle.
The steaks have never been higher.
Did you hear about the thermal conductivity of Skywalker's new prosthetic?
They call him Cool Hand Luke now.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear that Snow White got arrested?
She was charged with unlawful s**... conduct with a miner.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A basic chick was conducting a statistical analysis and believed she'd found a correlation.
Turns out it was just confirmation bi-YAAASSSSSS.
A group of scientists conducted experiments on earthquakes
The results were ground breaking
Did you hear about the military drum major who was dishonorably discharged?
It was for conduct unbecoming.
What do you call a violin player who's killed by an electric chair?
Conducted.
A Worldwide Survey Was Conducted by the UN...
A scientist conducted a research on smartphone protection gear.
It was an interesting case study.
Last month a worldwide survey was conducted by the United Nations...
The question asked was:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure:
* In Africa, they didn't know what "food" meant...
* In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant...
* In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant...
* In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant...
* In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant...
* In South America, they didn't know what "please" meant...
* And in the USA, they didn't know what "rest of the world" meant.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I heard the white supremacists are investigating the FBI
It's being conducted by Robert Muellet.
A man takes his goldfish to the vet
A man takes his pet goldfish to the vet and says "I think my goldfish has Epilepsy".
The vet conducts a thorough examination of the goldfish. Then he says to the man "I can't find anything wrong with this goldfish. I don't think it has Epilepsy."
To which the man replies "well you haven't even taken him out of the bowl yet."
What do you call someone who conducts just one musician?
A mouse-tro.
My dad got fired recently for being such an irritated electrician
He never conducted himself positively at work
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN...
The only question asked was:"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure...
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
*I found this joke again while browsing and deleting my old facebook notes. This was from 2007.*
What cheese conducts tours?
Falloumi
My nephew is conducting a study of the effectiveness of hand soap in health care settings.
He goes to the hospital twice a week for Dialalysis.
Never book an orchestra for a wedding
They don't know how to conduct themselves
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A priest is conducting an exorcism, yelling, "The power of Christ compels you!"
The d**... sighs and says to him, "Sorry, I'm Jewish."
All the anti gravity experiments I conducted gave my son terminal cancer
It was incredibly hard to put him down.
I've just been stopped in the street by a lady conducting a survey.
She asked me what i knew about dwarfs.......I said "very little."
Little Tony was the son of a well respected Mob boss.
One day, the Mob boss decides he wants to test his son to see if the boy has what it takes to lead the family business. "Little Tony," he asks. "If you received stolen money, and you were looking for a place to hide it, where would you stash it so the cops could never get it?"
Little Tony thinks for a moment, then says, "I'd put it in a casino."
Delighted, the Mob Boss exclaims, "Magnificent answer! How did you know to launder your money through the casino?"
"Well," Little Tony says, "At school, we just learned the U.S. Constitution protects us from police conducting unreasonable searches in Caesar's.
A U.S. warship is conducting war exercises off the coast of N. Korea
The captain accidentally launches a live cruise missile at N. Korea. The missile strikes Pyongyang and kills Kim Jong Un. The captain goes on trial and is found guilty. President Trump attends the sentencing hearing due to its importance. The captain begs Trump for a pardon explaining that he killed one of out countries greatest adversaries and it was by accident.
Trump walks up to him and whispers in his ear, "No pardon. He was my friend."
My friend told me that he was sent to a therapy group for procrastinators.
They haven't conducted the first session yet.
We need to conduct a properly controlled trial
In which one group is injected with Dettol and another is injected with Cillit Bang and lysol.