Condoms Jokes
145 condoms jokes and hilarious condoms puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about condoms that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
From practical jokes to double entendres, this article dives into the interesting and often humorous topic of condom jokes. Discover classic jokes about wearing condoms, used condoms and more. Learn about contraception jokes, reusable jokes and why people use humour to talk about sex.
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Funniest Condoms Short Jokes
Short condoms jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The condoms humour may include short wear a condom jokes also.
- What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One is called a Goodyear, and the other is called a great year.
- At the pharmacy I asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around, looked them straight in the eyes and said, "Make that 52."
- Condoms 1272AD - arab Muslims invent the first condoms using the lower intestine of goats.
1856AD - English farmers improve on the idea by first removing the intestine from the goat. - I went to the store to buy condoms last night. The cashier asked, "Do you want a bag?"
I replied, "No, she's not that ugly." - Husband: Honey why are there broken condoms on the couch? Wife: Would you please call our children by their real names.
- Why don't Broward County police officers need to use condoms? Because no matter how dire the situation gets, they won't come inside.
- Did you know condoms have serial numbers? Oh, I guess you've never rolled one down far enough.
- Honey, there are broken condoms on the couch Dear, we've talked about this- call the children by their names
- A man went to the register with only a box of condoms. The cashier asked 'Sir, do you want a bag?'
He replied 'No thanks, she's not that ugly' - I yelled at my wife today for keeping broken condoms on the sofa She answered that I shouldn't call our kids like that
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Condoms One Liners
Which condoms one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with condoms? I can suggest the ones about contraceptive and underwear.
- Cashier: Scans Condoms Do you need a bag sir?
Me: Jesus, she's not that ugly - "What are the broken condoms doing on the couch?!" "Our children have names, Harold!"
- What do you call a tire made out of 365 recycled condoms? A Goodyear
- KID : What are condoms used for? DAD : To avoid such questions.
- What do you do with 365 used condoms? Roll them up into a tire and call it a Goodyear!
- Box of condoms = $6.99 Cashier's face when you ask where the fitting room is = Priceless
- Thank God lent is over.... not using condoms was definitely getting nerve-wracking.
- They say Magnum condoms are only good for big schlongs I don't buy it
- In a way, good friends are like condoms... ...they protect you when things get hard.
- Use condoms: because if she'd sleep with you, she'd sleep with anyone.
- Kid: What do condoms do? Dad: Nothing, apparently.
- Have you heard of the musical condoms? They started a rubber band.
- I wear camouflage condoms So they can't see me coming
- As the old Catholic saying goes, Condoms: they're what separate the men from the boys
- What do masks and condoms have in common? It's safe to come inside if you're wearing one
Used Condoms Jokes
Here is a list of funny used condoms jokes and even better used condoms puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you do with 365 used condoms? Melt them down, make a tire and call it a Goodyear.
(Yes, I have been waiting till the end of the year to write this) - Condoms were invented by Arabic-Muslims sometime in the 1400s using lower goat intestine They were later improved by the British in 1873 by taking the intestine out of the goat first
- Did you know the first condoms were invented by the Welsh out of sheep's intestines? The English improved on the invention by taking the intestines out of the sheep before using them.
- What do condoms and turn signals have in common? If people used them, there would be less accidents
- Did you know that the very first condoms were invented by the Welsh, using sheep intestines? But it wasn't until the 19th century that the English perfected it by removing it from the sheep first
- I got kicked out of a store trying to buy condoms All I wanted was to use their fitting room!
- Why do gay men use ribbed condoms? Traction in the mud.
- I brought home some Olympic condoms. I told my wife i was going to use the gold one. She said: "Maybe try the silver one, so you can finish second for once!"
I'm still gold baby! - My friend asked why I never used condoms I said, "My pull out game is superb and condoms are expensive. You gotta keep a tight budget when you have 14 kids."
- How did you get pregnant ? Well those camouflage condoms my boyfriend used didn't work
Wearing Condoms Jokes
Here is a list of funny wearing condoms jokes and even better wearing condoms puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears? So she wouldn't get hearing aids.
- Wear camouflage condoms Never let em see you coming
- "Hey honey, my olympic condoms arrived.." "Hey honey, my olympic condoms arrived, I think I'll wear gold."
"Maybe you should wear silver and come second for a change!" - Condoms aren't 100% safe. My buddy was wearing one when he got hit by a bus.
- I don't think condoms are 100% safe My friend was wearing one and he got hit by a bus!
- My girlfriend said that once we get married I can stop wearing condoms!! Guess you don't need an umbrella if it's never gonna rain...
- I'm so selfish.... I wear ribbed condoms inside out.
- I dumped my blonde girlfriend after she tried to poke holes in one of the condoms. She might have gotten away with it had I not been wearing it at the time.
- Condoms cannot be considered safe A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a car.
- Why does mia Khalifa only make black men wear condoms? She wants a dad for her kids
Cheerful Fun Condoms Jokes to Brighten Your Day with Humor and Joy
What funny jokes about condoms you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean underpants jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make condoms pranks.
My dad first talked to me about s**... when I was going to college.
He said, "Son, in college you're going to be surrounded by beautiful girls, so I got you something from the chemist."
"Dad," I said, "I have condoms."
And he said, "You won't need condoms, I got you some anti-depressants."
My girlfriend...
... invited me to her house, I found her sister alone in the house, she was unbelievably s**..., she whispered in my ear, "i have feelings for you, shall we have s**..." , I immediately turned around and walked to the front door to go to my car, I found my girlfriend standing there, she hugged me and said: "you've won my trust"... Moral of the story: always keep your condoms in the car
Two condoms are walking past a gay bar..
One says to the other, "Want to get s**...?"
The pharmacist
Peter walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. Paying for them, he bursts into laughter and walks out of the store.
The next day he comes in again, buys condoms, and walks out laughing.
Thinking this is somewhat strange, the pharmacist asks his assistant to follow the man if he comes back.
Sure enough, Peter comes in the next day and walks out laughing. This time assistant goes after him, returning 20 minutes later.
So did you follow him? asks pharmacist
Yup.
Where did he go?
Your house.
So two condoms walk into a bar..
.. They quickly realize that it is a gay bar. One c**... turns to the other and says, "Dude. We are gonna get s**... tonight!"
So a man walks in to a CVS..
and he goes to the female cashier and asks how he can know what size c**... he should wear. She tells him to step behind the counter, she unzips his pants, gives him a few tugs and says "Medium". He buys his condoms and tells his buddy "Hey, there's this girl at the CVS who can guess your c**... size just by looking!". His buddy, being a 'skeptic' goes and checks it out. She follows the same routine and says "large". He calls his friend when he gets home and is ecstatic. His 14 year old brother overheard the conversation and decided to 'try it out' for himself. So he goes to the CVS and asks the cashier what size c**... he is, she asks him behind the counter, gives him a few tugs and says "Clean up on register 5!".
**tl;dr - h**....**
A Woman Walks Into A Drugstore And Asks...
the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.
He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"
Buying aspirin
Joe has always had an uncontrollable twitch in his left eyelid since young. Fred has a splitting headache and asks Joe to go get some aspirins. Half an hour later Joe comes back with a dozen packets of condoms.
"I asked you to get me aspirins, not condoms."
"Yeah, I went to a dozen drug stores, but have you ever tried asking for aspirin with a tic in your eye?"
Olympic Condoms
A man gets home one day from work and excitedly shows off to his wife that he bought a pack of *Olympic Condoms*.
"What do you say I slip on a gold one and we give it a go?" He asks her with a grin.
She simply responds,
"Why don't you try out the silver and come second for a change"
Two condoms walked up to a gay bar
One said to the other, "Wanna get s**...?"
Two condoms drive by a gay bar...
One turns to the other and says "let's get s**...-faced!"
Husband get back home from work asks wife
**Husband:** "Why are the torn condoms lying on the sofa?"
**Wife:** "What?....... Where?" rushes out to check.
She comes back furious saying:"I will kill you if you don't stop calling our children TORN CONDOMS"
Single Ladies.
A woman was once buying a very large cucumber, some condoms, and some Vaseline. She gets up to the checkout counter and the cashier says, "I can tell you're single." The flirtatious woman replies, "Oh really, how can you tell that?" The man looks at her with a stern face and says, "Because you're ugly."
Three nuns were talking about their chores...
Three nuns were talking about their chores. The first nun says: "I was putting away father's laundry, when i found some pornographic magazines in his drawer!"
"So what did you do?" The second nun asks.
"I threw them away." The first nun replies.
The second nun scoffs and says she can top that. "When I was making father's bed, I found some condoms underneath his pillow!"
"So what did you do?" The first nun asks.
"I poked holes in all of them!" The second nun exclaims.
The third nun fainted.
A guy goes to the store to buy condoms...
... He walks up to the lady at the register and says: "Give me a pack of condoms, please." The lady says: "Sure, do you need a grocery bag with that?" The guy looks at her and says: "No thank you, this time she isn't that ugly."
Two old ladies are outside smoking a cigarette
It starts raining and without hesitating one of the ladies pulls a c**... out of her purse and covers the cig to keep it from getting wet.
The other lady thinks this is genius and walks to the nearest pharmacy.
She grabs a pack of extra large condoms and proceeds to check out.
The cashier says," ma'am, are you sure you need these in extra large?"
The old lady replies, "well I'm not sure, do you think they'll fit a Camel?"
A Blonde and Condoms
The most beautiful blonde woman you've ever seen walks into the drugstore. She walks to the pharmacy and asks if they sell Extra-Large condoms, the cashier says yes and points her down aisle 11. About 30 minutes go by and the pharmacist notices that the blonde is still looking at the condoms. He decides to see if she needs any help. He says, "Did you find the extra large condoms?" She responds, "Yes, now I'm just waiting for someone to buy some."
Three nuns are gossiping about a priest.
The first nun said, "I was going through father's desk and found pornographic magazines in his drawer."
The second nun gasped and asked, "What did you do with them?"
"I burned them."
The second nun then said, "I was going through father's drawers and found a box of condoms."
The first nun gasped and asked, "What did you do with them?"
"I poked holes in them."
The third nun fainted.
2 nuns were smoking when it started to rain...
The first nun takes out a c**... and cuts off the end and slides it over her cigarette and continues smoking.
The second nun notices that it is keeping the first nuns cigarette dry and asks "where'd you get that?"
"From the Pharmacy" replied the first nun.
So the second nun heads down to the pharmacy and asks the clerk for a pack of condoms.
"What size do you need" asked the clerk.
The nun replied - "Large enough to fit a Camel"
A cowboy is buying condoms.
"Give me 3 packet of condoms, please" he says.
"Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?" asks the cashier.
"Nah, she's purty good-lookin ..."
I just bought condoms..
And when the cashier asked.. "Do you need a bag?" I just said.. No she isn't that ugly.
My girlfriend's sister invited me to have s**... with her today...
My girlfriend's sister invited me to have s**... with her today while we were waiting for my girlfriend to get home. I didn't say anything and started to walk to my car. As I opened the door, my girlfriend came out from the kitchen and hugged me with tears in her eyes as she told me that it was a test of loyalty and I had passed!
Moral of the story: keep your condoms in your car
Father and son in supermarket. "Dad, what are these?"
"That's a 3pack of condoms son for secondary school lads. 1 for Friday night, 1 for Saturday night and 1 for Sunday night."
"What about the 6pack dad?"
"Those are for University lads. 2 for Friday night, 2 for Satuday night and 2 for Sunday night."
"Well dad, what about the 12pack then?"
"Married men son. 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March ..."
A man walks into a convenience store..
A man walks into a convenience store to buy a pack of condoms ..
The clerk asks if he would like a bag ..
He responds "No thanks, she's not that ugly,"
Two elderly ladies are smoking outside...
It stared raining and one of the ladies pulls out a c**..., cuts the end off and puts it over her cigarette so it won't get wet. The other lady thinks this is a great idea so she decides to head to the store to buy some condoms.
When she gets there she goes to the counter and asks the cashier for a pack of condoms. He looks at her in disgust as he can't believe someone of her age would be having s**.... He asks what kind she would like anyways as he doesn't want to lose his job.
She replys "honey, it doesn't matter what kind as long as it fits a camel"
Two condoms are walking down the street...
They pass a gay bar and one c**... says to the other "hey, do you wanna get s**...-faced?"
My dad was showing me pictures of why to wear condoms during s**....
The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.
GRANDPA'S CONDOMS
An old man finds a c**... in his grandson's apartment and asks what it is.
"It's a c**...," replies the grandson, sheepishly.
"What do you use it for?" asks Grandpa.
The grandson is embarrassed, so he says, "I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain."
Grandpa says, "That's a great idea." He goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist for a c**....
"What size would you like?" asks the pharmacist.
"Big enough to fit a Camel."
"Honey, why are there broken condoms on the backyard?"
And that's when his wife replied shouting: "I ALREADY TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING THE KIDS THAT!"
A young man goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parent's. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
EXTRA-LARGE CONDOMS
A woman asks the pharmacist if he sells extra-large condoms.
The pharmacist replies, "Yes, would you like to buy some?"
The woman says, "No, but do you mind if I stand here and wait to see if anyone buys a box?"
A guy rushes into a pharmacy run by prudes...
Goes straight to the register and says in a loud voice "Gimme one c**...."
The cashier lady is outraged. "Young man! You mind that tongue of yours!"
"Right. Gimme two condoms, then."
A customer was buying condoms at work today.
I asked if he'd like a bag.
"No, she's not that ugly."
My girlfriend invites me to her home, and she wasn't there, but her sister, who leaned in and said:
''We should have s**... right here, when my sister isn't here.'', I got up, and ran to my car, when my girlfriend stood there with a smile. ''I knew I could trust you!'' she said when she hugged me and kissed me passionate.
Moral of the story: Always keep condoms in the car.
Man and his wife are trying to spice up their marriage
So the husband comes home with a packet of flavoured condoms. He says to his wife;
"We'll play a game. I'll turn the light off, I'll put on the c**... and you try and guess the flavour".
His wife goes down on him and after a few moments she calls out, "Cheese and Onion" as the husband responds,
"I've not put it on yet"
A man walks into a pharmacy to buy condoms.
He approaches the desk and says to the pharmacist "excuse me, do you have non latex? I need condoms for my 12 year old daughter but she's allergic to latex"
The pharmacist replies "yeah they should be right over.... wait.. did you say 12 year old daughter? .. your 12 year old daughter is s**... active?"
The man says "eh, not really. She just kind of lays there like her mother."
The history of the c**....
In 1272, a Welsh inventor created the first c**... using a sheeps lower intestine.
In 1873 the English somewhat refined the idea by taking it out of the sheep first.
~ Obligatory edit. No, it took them 601 years to get the welsh out of the sheep to make the condoms.
My girlfriend said she wanted to try new condoms with something a little special inside them
I said "what's that?"
she replied "Other men."
Selling Condoms
An 18-yr-old starts work as a pharmacist's assistant. The pharmacist is showing the new kid around the aisles when they stop at the c**... display and the kid asks why they come in different quantities per package.
The pharmacist tells the noob that the 3-packs are for high school guy, who gets it on once on Friday night, once on Saturday and once on Sunday.
The 6-packs are for the more-experienced college guys, who do it twice each on Friday night, Saturday and Sunday.
So the kid says, "what about these 12-packs?"
The pharmacist replies "the 12-packs are for the guys who've been married for a long time - January, February, March..."
A man walks into a pharmacy to buy condoms...
The pharmacist looks at him and asked him if his wife had stopped taking her birth control pills.
"No, these are for my daughter", the man answered
"Oh, is your daughter s**... active?" Asked the pharmacist.
"No, she just lays there, just like her mom"
Why do men carry condoms instead of women?
Because by the time women found a c**... in their purses, kid would be 3 years old
A man goes to the pharmacy to buy condoms.
The pharmacist asks: Do you need a bag?
He answers: She isn't that ugly!
A man walks into a store to buy condoms
He notices that there are Olympic condoms on sale. He returns home and tells his wife, "Honey I bought Olympic condoms for us tonight!"
Wife: What's so special about them.
Husband: Well, there's a gold one, a silver one and a bronze one.
Wife: Which one are you gonna wear tonight?
Husband: The gold one of course!
Wife: Why don't you wear the silver one, it would be nice if you came second for a change.
Since I'm going away to college, my Dad sat me down to have a talk.
He said OK, Dan, you're going off to college. You're going to be living away from home, in a dorm, surrounded by beautiful girls. So I got you something from the drug store.
I said It's ok, Dad- I already know about condoms.
He's said No - anti-depressants.
I went to buy some condoms today, and I said to the pharmacist, 'Excuse me, I need some condoms.'
He said, 'Just a minute.'
And I said, 'Yep, that's my brand.'
A guy walks into a pharmacy buys a pack of condoms and walks out laughing
He does this every day consecutive for a week. Finally the pharmacy owner asks his assistant to follow the man the next time he returns. Sure enough the man returns the next day and walks out laughing once again. The assistant follows him and returns about half an hour later. When the pharmacist asked where he had followed him the assistant simply replied "your house".
I went to a pharmacy and asked for 50 condoms.
There were 2 girls behind me who started laughing. I turned around and looked them straight in the eyes and said, "make that 52".
.
.
.
.
.
.
Now both of them have c**... balloons :D
A beautiful blonde woman approaches a pharmacist and asks, "Do you have extra large condoms?"
The pharmacist replies, "Yes, isle 11."
The blonde goes to the isle. But about 30 minutes later she is still looking at the condoms. The pharmacist calls over to her, "Do you need some help?"
The woman replies, "No, I'm just waiting for somebody to buy some."
While buying condoms the cashier asked, "Do you need a bag?"
I said, "Nah, he isn't *that* ugly."
My girlfriend told me she had never heard of condoms...
I thought she must be pulling my leg so I played along. Oh yeah? I said, They're for covering your cigarettes in the rain.
Well one day we were in a pharmacy and she asked the clerk for a package of condoms. He asked what kind, and she said oh, to fit a camel.
A man went to the supermarket to buy some condoms
Cashier: Do you need a bag?
Man: Nah, she's not that ugly...
A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the cashier "do you have extra large condoms".
the cashier says "yes, second aisle to the left. You wanna buy some?"
the woman says
"No, but would you mind if I wait here until someone else does"
I bought condoms at a store and the cashier said would you like a bag with that
I replied saying No she's rather pretty actually
Two condoms walk into a gay bar...
One looks to the other and says, "Welp, looks like we're getting s**...-faced"
To the lady with all the screaming kids at Walmart who's wondering how the box of condoms got into her cart...
You're welcome
A box of condoms, please.
That'll be 3,99. Do you want a bag with it?
Nah I'm OK. She's actually quite pretty.
On the back of a pack of condoms it said: "Keep away from children."
So now I have to get her the morning after pill.
Olympic condoms (n**...)
A boyfriend buys Olympic colored condoms, and tells his girlfriend it's because there are 3 colors Gold, Silver and Bronze. He tells her "tonight i think i'll wear the gold" she replied "i wish you would wear the silver one". "Why?" the boyfriend asks. "It would be great if you came second for a change!"
