Condoms Jokes
142 condoms jokes and hilarious condoms puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about condoms that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
From practical jokes to double entendres, this article dives into the interesting and often humorous topic of condom jokes. Discover classic jokes about wearing condoms, used condoms and more. Learn about contraception jokes, reusable jokes and why people use humour to talk about sex.
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Funniest Condoms Short Jokes
Short condoms jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The condoms humour may include short wear a condom jokes also.
- At the pharmacy I asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around, looked them straight in the eyes and said, "Make that 52."
- Condoms 1272AD - arab Muslims invent the first condoms using the lower intestine of goats.
1856AD - English farmers improve on the idea by first removing the intestine from the goat. - I went to the store to buy condoms last night. The cashier asked, "Do you want a bag?"
I replied, "No, she's not that ugly." - Husband: Honey why are there broken condoms on the couch? Wife: Would you please call our children by their real names.
- Why don't Broward County police officers need to use condoms? Because no matter how dire the situation gets, they won't come inside.
- Did you know condoms have serial numbers? Oh, I guess you've never rolled one down far enough.
- I yelled at my wife today for keeping broken condoms on the sofa She answered that I shouldn't call our kids like that
- I went to buy some condoms today, and I said to the pharmacist, 'Excuse me, I need some condoms.' He said, 'Just a minute.'
And I said, 'Yep, that's my brand.' - While buying condoms the cashier asked, "Do you need a bag?" I said, "Nah, he isn't *that* ugly."
- What do you do with 365 used condoms? Melt them down, make a tire and call it a Goodyear.
(Yes, I have been waiting till the end of the year to write this)
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Condoms One Liners
Which condoms one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with condoms? I can suggest the ones about contraceptive and underpants.
- Cashier: Scans Condoms Do you need a bag sir?
Me: Jesus, she's not that ugly - "What are the broken condoms doing on the couch?!" "Our children have names, Harold!"
- What do you call a tire made out of 365 recycled condoms? A Goodyear
- KID : What are condoms used for? DAD : To avoid such questions.
- Box of condoms = $6.99 Cashier's face when you ask where the fitting room is = Priceless
- Thank God lent is over.... not using condoms was definitely getting nerve-wracking.
- They say Magnum condoms are only good for big schlongs I don't buy it
- In a way, good friends are like condoms... ...they protect you when things get hard.
- Use condoms: because if she'd sleep with you, she'd sleep with anyone.
- Kid: What do condoms do? Dad: Nothing, apparently.
- Have you heard of the musical condoms? They started a rubber band.
- I wear camouflage condoms So they can't see me coming
- As the old Catholic saying goes, Condoms: they're what separate the men from the boys
- What do masks and condoms have in common? It's safe to come inside if you're wearing one
- Give me five condoms, please. "Do you want a bag?"
"No, she's not that ugly."
Used Condoms Jokes
Here is a list of funny used condoms jokes and even better used condoms puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you know the first condoms were invented by the Welsh out of sheep's intestines? The English improved on the invention by taking the intestines out of the sheep before using them.
- What do condoms and turn signals have in common? If people used them, there would be less accidents
- I got kicked out of a store trying to buy condoms All I wanted was to use their fitting room!
- Why do gay men use ribbed condoms? Traction in the mud.
- My friend asked why I never used condoms I said, "My pull out game is superb and condoms are expensive. You gotta keep a tight budget when you have 14 kids."
- How did you get pregnant ? Well those camouflage condoms my boyfriend used didn't work
- Can't afford condoms? Use latex gloves instead. They're cheaper, and you can use them five times.
- What type of condoms does Ronald mcdonald use? McRibbed
- I don't use condoms. They irritate my sores.
- I hide my condoms in a box of Nyquil... ...if I use either, I'll blow a load and be asleep in 10 minutes.
Wearing Condoms Jokes
Here is a list of funny wearing condoms jokes and even better wearing condoms puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Wear camouflage condoms Never let em see you coming
- Condoms aren't 100% safe. My buddy was wearing one when he got hit by a bus.
- My girlfriend said that once we get married I can stop wearing condoms!! Guess you don't need an umbrella if it's never gonna rain...
- I'm so selfish.... I wear ribbed condoms inside out.
- I dumped my blonde girlfriend after she tried to poke holes in one of the condoms. She might have gotten away with it had I not been wearing it at the time.
- Why did the Irishman wear two condoms? To be sure, to be sure.
- Condoms are supposed to provide protection But my friend was wearing one and he suffocated.
- My girlfriend tried to poke holes in one of my condoms with a needle. Which I wouldn't have been too angry about, had I not been wearing it at the time.
- What do you call a guy who wears two condoms? Justin Case
- Women's dresses are like condoms No issue wearing them once to an event, but not to two events
Cheerful Fun Condoms Jokes to Brighten Your Day with Humor and Joy
What funny jokes about condoms you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean pills jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make condoms pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My dad first talked to me about s**... when I was going to college.
He said, "Son, in college you're going to be surrounded by beautiful girls, so I got you something from the chemist."
"Dad," I said, "I have condoms."
And he said, "You won't need condoms, I got you some anti-depressants."
The pharmacist
Peter walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. Paying for them, he bursts into laughter and walks out of the store.
The next day he comes in again, buys condoms, and walks out laughing.
Thinking this is somewhat strange, the pharmacist asks his assistant to follow the man if he comes back.
Sure enough, Peter comes in the next day and walks out laughing. This time assistant goes after him, returning 20 minutes later.
So did you follow him? asks pharmacist
Yup.
Where did he go?
Your house.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My mother told me this about 3 years ago.
Two condoms are walking down the street. They happen to walk past a gay bar. One stops, looks at the other, and says, "I don't know about you but I feel like getting s**...-faced."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a man walks in to a CVS..
and he goes to the female cashier and asks how he can know what size c**... he should wear. She tells him to step behind the counter, she unzips his pants, gives him a few tugs and says "Medium". He buys his condoms and tells his buddy "Hey, there's this girl at the CVS who can guess your c**... size just by looking!". His buddy, being a 'skeptic' goes and checks it out. She follows the same routine and says "large". He calls his friend when he gets home and is ecstatic. His 14 year old brother overheard the conversation and decided to 'try it out' for himself. So he goes to the CVS and asks the cashier what size c**... he is, she asks him behind the counter, gives him a few tugs and says "Clean up on register 5!".
**tl;dr - h**....**
At the pharmacist
A guy goes to a pharmacist and asks for a dozen condoms.
The druggist asked " Would you like a paper bag?"
The guy shakes his head and says "Nah, she ain't that ugly."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Getty Yup!
Cowboy: "Give me 3 packet of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah.... She ain't that ugly."
olimpic condoms
The husband comes home and tells his wife : "honey, i got some olimpic condoms !" the wife asks: "olimpic? what do you mean by that?" "Yeah..olimpic. they come in 3 different colors: gold, silver and bronze. And guess what ? Tonight i think of wearing the gold ones !" to which the wife replies: "Honey..could you please wear the silver ones?! I'd love for you to finish second.."
Buying aspirin
Joe has always had an uncontrollable twitch in his left eyelid since young. Fred has a splitting headache and asks Joe to go get some aspirins. Half an hour later Joe comes back with a dozen packets of condoms.
"I asked you to get me aspirins, not condoms."
"Yeah, I went to a dozen drug stores, but have you ever tried asking for aspirin with a tic in your eye?"
Olympic Condoms
A man gets home one day from work and excitedly shows off to his wife that he bought a pack of *Olympic Condoms*.
"What do you say I slip on a gold one and we give it a go?" He asks her with a grin.
She simply responds,
"Why don't you try out the silver and come second for a change"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Russian Condoms
One day the president of the largest c**... company in Russia is called down by his sales associate. He tells the president that they have just gotten a huge order from America for double extra large 16" condoms. The associate tells the prez that it must be a prank, so the president mulls it over for a minute and then says "Make their order, but when you mark them them for shipping, stamp them with 'EXTRA SMALL.'"
What do condoms and taxes have in common?
Republicans are against them and democrats want more for schools.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Husband get back home from work asks wife
**Husband:** "Why are the torn condoms lying on the sofa?"
**Wife:** "What?....... Where?" rushes out to check.
She comes back furious saying:"I will kill you if you don't stop calling our children TORN CONDOMS"
Three nuns were talking about their chores...
Three nuns were talking about their chores. The first nun says: "I was putting away father's laundry, when i found some pornographic magazines in his drawer!"
"So what did you do?" The second nun asks.
"I threw them away." The first nun replies.
The second nun scoffs and says she can top that. "When I was making father's bed, I found some condoms underneath his pillow!"
"So what did you do?" The first nun asks.
"I poked holes in all of them!" The second nun exclaims.
The third nun fainted.
I heard that drake insists on lavender scented condoms...
...So his farts don't stink
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two old ladies are outside smoking a cigarette
It starts raining and without hesitating one of the ladies pulls a c**... out of her purse and covers the cig to keep it from getting wet.
The other lady thinks this is genius and walks to the nearest pharmacy.
She grabs a pack of extra large condoms and proceeds to check out.
The cashier says," ma'am, are you sure you need these in extra large?"
The old lady replies, "well I'm not sure, do you think they'll fit a Camel?"
A Blonde and Condoms
The most beautiful blonde woman you've ever seen walks into the drugstore. She walks to the pharmacy and asks if they sell Extra-Large condoms, the cashier says yes and points her down aisle 11. About 30 minutes go by and the pharmacist notices that the blonde is still looking at the condoms. He decides to see if she needs any help. He says, "Did you find the extra large condoms?" She responds, "Yes, now I'm just waiting for someone to buy some."
Three nuns are gossiping about a priest.
The first nun said, "I was going through father's desk and found pornographic magazines in his drawer."
The second nun gasped and asked, "What did you do with them?"
"I burned them."
The second nun then said, "I was going through father's drawers and found a box of condoms."
The first nun gasped and asked, "What did you do with them?"
"I poked holes in them."
The third nun fainted.
A teenager buys condoms for the first time...
The cashier says, "That'll be $9.95 plus tax.".
Horrified, the boy exclaims "I thought they stayed on by themselves!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
2 nuns were smoking when it started to rain...
The first nun takes out a c**... and cuts off the end and slides it over her cigarette and continues smoking.
The second nun notices that it is keeping the first nuns cigarette dry and asks "where'd you get that?"
"From the Pharmacy" replied the first nun.
So the second nun heads down to the pharmacy and asks the clerk for a pack of condoms.
"What size do you need" asked the clerk.
The nun replied - "Large enough to fit a Camel"
A cowboy is buying condoms.
"Give me 3 packets of condoms, please" he says.
"Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?" asks the cashier.
"Nah, she's purty good-lookin ..."
Father and son in supermarket. "Dad, what are these?"
"That's a 3pack of condoms son for secondary school lads. 1 for Friday night, 1 for Saturday night and 1 for Sunday night."
"What about the 6pack dad?"
"Those are for University lads. 2 for Friday night, 2 for Satuday night and 2 for Sunday night."
"Well dad, what about the 12pack then?"
"Married men son. 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March ..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two elderly ladies are smoking outside...
It stared raining and one of the ladies pulls out a c**..., cuts the end off and puts it over her cigarette so it won't get wet. The other lady thinks this is a great idea so she decides to head to the store to buy some condoms.
When she gets there she goes to the counter and asks the cashier for a pack of condoms. He looks at her in disgust as he can't believe someone of her age would be having s**.... He asks what kind she would like anyways as he doesn't want to lose his job.
She replys "honey, it doesn't matter what kind as long as it fits a camel"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two condoms are walking down the street...
They pass a gay bar and one c**... says to the other "hey, do you wanna get s**...-faced?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
GRANDPA'S CONDOMS
An old man finds a c**... in his grandson's apartment and asks what it is.
"It's a c**...," replies the grandson, sheepishly.
"What do you use it for?" asks Grandpa.
The grandson is embarrassed, so he says, "I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain."
Grandpa says, "That's a great idea." He goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist for a c**....
"What size would you like?" asks the pharmacist.
"Big enough to fit a Camel."
"Honey, why are there broken condoms on the backyard?"
And that's when his wife replied shouting: "I ALREADY TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING THE KIDS THAT!"
A young man goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parent's. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
A man suffers from Blepharospasm (constant, uncontrollable winking) in one eye...
he complains to a friend that it gives him the most awful head aches. His friend asks, why don't you just get some aspirin from the pharmacy. He replies, I do, but every time I ask the pharmacist for an aspirin he gives me a packet of condoms.
A man buys condoms at a drugstore ...
The cashier asks "You need a bag with this?"
and the man answers "No! She's not *that* ugly!".
What do condoms and coffins have in common?
They both hold stiffs
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy rushes into a pharmacy run by prudes...
Goes straight to the register and says in a loud voice "Gimme one c**...."
The cashier lady is outraged. "Young man! You mind that tongue of yours!"
"Right. Gimme two condoms, then."
What do you call 4 condoms?
For me, a year's supply.
A customer was buying condoms at work today.
I asked if he'd like a bag.
"No, she's not that ugly."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Man and his wife are trying to spice up their marriage
So the husband comes home with a packet of flavoured condoms. He says to his wife;
"We'll play a game. I'll turn the light off, I'll put on the c**... and you try and guess the flavour".
His wife goes down on him and after a few moments she calls out, "Cheese and Onion" as the husband responds,
"I've not put it on yet"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
So she wouldn't get hearing aids.
I took my item up to the counter.
"I'd like to return this," I said, with a tear in my eye, "It didn't work."
He said, "I'm sorry. We can't do that with condoms."
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms for the first time.
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms for the first time. He brings a box up to the counter and the clerk says, "That will be five dollars plus 15 cents for tax."
The young man screams "Tacks, I thought they stayed on by themselves!"
My girlfriend said she wanted to try new condoms with something a little special inside them
I said "what's that?"
she replied "Other men."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Selling Condoms
An 18-yr-old starts work as a pharmacist's assistant. The pharmacist is showing the new kid around the aisles when they stop at the c**... display and the kid asks why they come in different quantities per package.
The pharmacist tells the noob that the 3-packs are for high school guy, who gets it on once on Friday night, once on Saturday and once on Sunday.
The 6-packs are for the more-experienced college guys, who do it twice each on Friday night, Saturday and Sunday.
So the kid says, "what about these 12-packs?"
The pharmacist replies "the 12-packs are for the guys who've been married for a long time - January, February, March..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into a pharmacy to buy condoms...
The pharmacist looks at him and asked him if his wife had stopped taking her birth control pills.
"No, these are for my daughter", the man answered
"Oh, is your daughter s**... active?" Asked the pharmacist.
"No, she just lays there, just like her mom"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do men carry condoms instead of women?
Because by the time women found a c**... in their purses, kid would be 3 years old
I bought a 12 pack of condoms the other day.
The cashier asked if I'd like a bag, I said "Nah, I'll just turn the lights off".
Since I'm going away to college, my Dad sat me down to have a talk.
He said OK, Dan, you're going off to college. You're going to be living away from home, in a dorm, surrounded by beautiful girls. So I got you something from the drug store.
I said It's ok, Dad- I already know about condoms.
He's said No - anti-depressants.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"Hey honey, my olympic condoms arrived.."
"Hey honey, my olympic condoms arrived, I think I'll wear gold."
"Maybe you should wear silver and come second for a change!"
I was checking out at Tesco...
I was checking out at Tesco today when I noticed the man in front of me put one item on the conveyor belt... a box of condoms. Not only did he notice me staring, but decided to make super uncomfortable eye contact. So, to lighten the mood I put my bottle of ketchup on and said, "Looks like we've both bought something to put on our sausages!".
A guy walks into a pharmacy buys a pack of condoms and walks out laughing
He does this every day consecutive for a week. Finally the pharmacy owner asks his assistant to follow the man the next time he returns. Sure enough the man returns the next day and walks out laughing once again. The assistant follows him and returns about half an hour later. When the pharmacist asked where he had followed him the assistant simply replied "your house".
Did you know condoms have a serial number at the very bottom of the ring?
I guess you never had to roll it down that far.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Long before the Turks invented condoms
The greeks invented s**....
And the italians thought it was so good, they introduced it to women
My girlfriend told me she had never heard of condoms...
I thought she must be pulling my leg so I played along. Oh yeah? I said, They're for covering your cigarettes in the rain.
Well one day we were in a pharmacy and she asked the clerk for a package of condoms. He asked what kind, and she said oh, to fit a camel.
A guy enters the pharmacy...
Guy: 5 packs of condoms please.
Cashier: Do you need a bag with those?
Guy: Don't worry she's pretty.
Cases for phone are like condoms...
They protect it but it's just not the same.
To the lady with all the screaming kids at Walmart who's wondering how the box of condoms got into her cart...
You're welcome
A box of condoms, please.
That'll be 3,99. Do you want a bag with it?
Nah I'm OK. She's actually quite pretty.
On the back of a pack of condoms it said: "Keep away from children."
So now I have to get her the morning after pill.
Huband: There are broken condoms on our couch
Wife: How many times have I told you not to call our children that?
Ribbed condoms are misleading
They don't even taste like ribs
Condoms are available in three sizes:
Small, medium, and liar.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Condoms do not guarantee safe s**...
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was stabbed by the woman's husband
