condom Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious condom puns

When I was a teen, my dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.

All the slides were just pictures of me.

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When I was young, my father emphasized every day how important it was to wear a condom if I ever had sex.

He said, Any person willing to have sex with you will sleep with almost anyone else.

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Son, I found a condom in your room.



Gee thanks, Grandpa!

Why are you calling me Grandpa?

Because I couldn't find it yesterday.

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The condom was first invented by a Welshman by using a sheep's intestine

The English later improved it by removing the intestine from the sheep first

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Did you know that the condom was invented by the Turks?

They used the intestines of sheep around their penis when having sex.

And did you know that years later, the Brits were the ones who improved the condom by removing the sheep?

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I went to a pharmacy and asked for 50 condoms.

There were 2 girls behind me who started laughing. I turned around and looked them straight in the eyes and said, "make that 52".
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Now both of them have condom balloons :D

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Two condoms are walking down the street...

They pass a gay bar and one condom says to the other "hey, do you wanna get shit-faced?"

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The government reveals their new logo today....

The government reveals their new logo today, on a black background sit a magnificent image of a condom.

I guess it makes sense, seeings as how a condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while being screwed.

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Condoms

1272AD - Arab Muslims invent the first condoms using the lower intestine of goats.

1856AD - English farmers improve on the idea by first removing the intestine from the goat.

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The history of the condom.

In 1272, a Welsh inventor created the first condom using a sheeps lower intestine.



In 1873 the English somewhat refined the idea by taking it out of the sheep first.

~ Obligatory edit. No, it took them 601 years to get the welsh out of the sheep to make the condoms.

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A beer bottle, a mirror, and a condom are all talking to each other....

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!

Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!


Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)

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Three cowboys sitting around a campfire

Two are arguing who is tougher.

"Last week I rode a 2000lb bull it bucked me off so I punched it one time and it turned into steaks" said the first.
"That's nothing, last time I had sex I used a live rattler for a condom" boasted the second.

The third said nothing, and continued quietly stirring the embers in the fire with his penis.

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Got a condom still unused from my 18th birthday, I'm 40...

Wish I'd used it because my kids are fucking annoying

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I just made love to my girlfriend

She asked, "If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?"

I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet.

"Well" I said, "If he can get out of that, we'll call him Houdini".

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The Govenment made a recent announcement.....

.......that it is changing the national flag to a CONDOM, because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security whilst you're actually being fucked!!

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Break a mirror, 7 years of bad luck.

Break a condom, your bad luck will probably outlive you.

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When does 1+1=3?

When you don't use a condom.

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My wife keeps complaining about me wearing socks while we have sex…

I *suppose* a condom would be better...

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Did you know condoms have serial numbers?

Oh, I guess you've never rolled one down far enough.

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In 1272, the Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

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In the 15th century the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In the 18th century the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

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Two condoms walk past a gay bar

One asks the other, Hey, wanna go inside and get shit-faced?

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Condoms do not guarantee safe sex

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was stabbed by the woman's husband

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I think Trojan is a bad name for a condom brand...

...because of course, the Trojans were a people whose lives were ruined when a vessel containing little warriors unexpectedly exploded inside their city walls...

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A guy picks up a beautiful blonde girl and takes her back to his place...

They have wild passionate sex and lay there panting when it's all over. All of a sudden, she sits up all scared.

"Wait! We should have used a condom! You don't have AIDS, do you!?"

The guy says, "No. I'm clean."

"Whew," the blonde girl says. "Good thing. I sure wouldn't want to catch that shit twice!"

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Tobacco companies kill their best customers

And condom companies kill their future customers.

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Condoms do not guarantee safe sex...

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

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Brought a girl home from a bar last night and after we went down on each other for a while I slipped on a condom. Suddenly, she looked me dead in the eyes and demanded either forty more minutes of foreplay, or that I drop down and give her 100 pushups. When I asked why she said

"The idea is to provide you with a sense of pride and accomplishment for unlocking different holes."

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When I was young my dad really emphasized how important it would be to use a condom if I ever had sex with a girl.

I asked him why.
"Because, son," he said, "any girl that would sleep with you would sleep with anyone."

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Nothing worse than, after sex, looking down and seeing that limp used Condom hanging off your dick...

Particularly when you weren't wearing one when you started.

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Two condoms walk past a gay bar

one turns to the other and says "hey, wanna go in there and get shitfaced"?

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The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an eagle to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

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Three rednecks talking about their wives...

The first redneck says "My wife is so dumb, she bought a toilet, and we don't even got indoor plumbin." The second says "My wife is so dumb, she bought an air conditioner, and we don't got 'lectricity." Third says "That's nothin I was going through my wife's purse the other day, and I found a condom. she don't even got a penis!"

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So two condoms walk into a bar..

.. They quickly realize that it is a gay bar. One condom turns to the other and says, "Dude. We are gonna get shitfaced tonight!"

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If you woke up and found a used condom in your ass would you tell anyone?

No


Want to go camping?

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What are the most funny Condom jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Condom? Well, here are the best Condom dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Condom pick up lines to share with friends.

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