Condom Jokes

Following is our collection of vaginal puns and semen one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Condom jokes for adults, dirty cigarette jokes and clean tampon dad gags for kids.

The Best Condom Puns

When I was a teen, my dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.

All the slides were just pictures of me.

Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant !

Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have sex.

Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke?

Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.

Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts Bang at the tiger. The tiger died.

Guy: That can't be right. Someone else must have shot the tiger.

Doctor: Exactly.

When I was young, my father emphasized every day how important it was to wear a condom if I ever had sex.

He said, Any person willing to have sex with you will sleep with almost anyone else.

Condom joke, When I was young, my father emphasized every day how important it was to wear a condom if I ever had

Son, I found a condom in your room.



Gee thanks, Grandpa!

Why are you calling me Grandpa?

Because I couldn't find it yesterday.

The condom was first invented by a Welshman by using a sheep's intestine

The English later improved it by removing the intestine from the sheep first


I went to a pharmacy and asked for 50 condoms.

There were 2 girls behind me who started laughing. I turned around and looked them straight in the eyes and said, "make that 52".
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Now both of them have condom balloons :D

Two condoms are walking down the street...

They pass a gay bar and one condom says to the other "hey, do you wanna get shit-faced?"

Condom joke, Two condoms are walking down the street...

The government reveals their new logo today....

The government reveals their new logo today, on a black background sit a magnificent image of a condom.

I guess it makes sense, seeings as how a condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while being screwed.

Condoms

1272AD - Arab Muslims invent the first condoms using the lower intestine of goats.

1856AD - English farmers improve on the idea by first removing the intestine from the goat.

The history of the condom.

In 1272, a Welsh inventor created the first condom using a sheeps lower intestine.



In 1873 the English somewhat refined the idea by taking it out of the sheep first.

~ Obligatory edit. No, it took them 601 years to get the welsh out of the sheep to make the condoms.

A beer bottle, a mirror, and a condom are all talking to each other....

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!

Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!


Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)


I just made love to my girlfriend

She asked, "If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?"

I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet.

"Well" I said, "If he can get out of that, we'll call him Houdini".

Break a mirror, 7 years of bad luck.

Break a condom, your bad luck will probably outlive you.

When does 1+1=3?

When you don't use a condom.

My wife keeps complaining about me wearing socks while we have sex…

I *suppose* a condom would be better...

Did you know condoms have serial numbers?

Oh, I guess you've never rolled one down far enough.

Condom joke, Did you know condoms have serial numbers?

In 1272, the Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

In the 15th century the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In the 18th century the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

Two condoms walk past a gay bar

One asks the other, Hey, wanna go inside and get shit-faced?


Condoms do not guarantee safe sex

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was stabbed by the woman's husband

Condom expiration dates are a little misleading

because I get sick no matter when I eat them.

I think Trojan is a bad name for a condom brand...

...because of course, the Trojans were a people whose lives were ruined when a vessel containing little warriors unexpectedly exploded inside their city walls...

Tobacco companies kill their best customers

And condom companies kill their future customers.

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex any more.

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

Brought a girl home from a bar last night and after we went down on each other for a while I slipped on a condom. Suddenly, she looked me dead in the eyes and demanded either forty more minutes of foreplay, or that I drop down and give her 100 pushups. When I asked why she said

"The idea is to provide you with a sense of pride and accomplishment for unlocking different holes."

When I was young my dad really emphasized how important it would be to use a condom if I ever had sex with a girl.

I asked him why.
"Because, son," he said, "any girl that would sleep with you would sleep with anyone."

So two condoms walk into a bar..

.. They quickly realize that it is a gay bar. One condom turns to the other and says, "Dude. We are gonna get shitfaced tonight!"

How does Justin Bieber remove his condom after sex?

He farts.

What does a camera have in common with a condom?

They both capture that special moment.

Man and his wife are trying to spice up their marriage

So the husband comes home with a packet of flavoured condoms. He says to his wife;
"We'll play a game. I'll turn the light off, I'll put on the condom and you try and guess the flavour".
His wife goes down on him and after a few moments she calls out, "Cheese and Onion" as the husband responds,
"I've not put it on yet"

Bad luck

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!
Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck.
*condom walks in laughing*

What's the best form of protection when you don't have a condom?

A fake name

Use condoms: because if she'd sleep with you, she'd sleep with anyone.

What do you call a balloon animal made out of a condom?

A Trojan horse.

In 1839 an Arab man made the first condom

The condom was made of goat intestines. In 1844, a British scientist revolutionized the condom by removing the intestines from the goat first

Condoms were invented by Arabic-Muslims sometime in the 1400s using lower goat intestine

They were later improved by the British in 1873 by taking the intestine out of the goat first

Have you heard of the man with 5 penises?

He's been looking for a condom that fits like a glove.

A duck orders a condom, at a hotel...

The man at the front desk asks, "Would you like me to put this on your bill, sir?"

The duck replies, "No, what sort of pervert do you think I am?!"

I've discovered that 1+1 can, in fact, equal 3.

Because I wasn't wearing a condom.

In the mid 1800s a primitive condom was developed in New Zealand, made from a sheep intestine.

It wasn't until the early 1900s that it made it's way to Australia, where it was immediately improved by removing it from the sheep.

100 nuns are in a prayer session.

After the session ends, the head nun stands up and addresses the nuns.
"There was a man in the convent last night," she says.
99 nuns gasp, while one chuckles quietly to herself.
"We found a condom in the garden," the head nun continues.
Again, 99 nuns gasp, while one chuckles quietly to herself.
"There was a hole in that condom."
99 nuns chuckle, while one gasps.

What's more useless than a condom at a feminist rally?

Everyone there.

What's worse than getting 7 years of bad luck from breaking a mirror?

Getting a lifetime of bad luck from breaking a condom.

My girlfriend made me wear a camouflage condom

... she never saw me coming.

My dad came into my room the other night as I was getting ready for a date

He sat me down, handed me a condom, looked me in the eyes and said, "Son, don't make the same mistakes I did."

Two condoms walked up to a gay bar

One said to the other, "Wanna get shitfaced?"

Why should you wear a condom when writing C++ code?

It's full of std vectors.

My dad showed me a thirty minute PowerPoint on why one should always wear a condom

It was just pictures of me

Glass: If someone breaks me, its one year of bad luck

Mirror: Thats nothing. If someone breaks me, its seven years of bad luck.

Condom: hahahaha

Did you know the first condoms were invented by the Welsh out of sheep's intestines?

The English improved on the invention by taking the intestines out of the sheep before using them.

A guy rushes into a pharmacy run by prudes...

Goes straight to the register and says in a loud voice "Gimme one condom."
The cashier lady is outraged. "Young man! You mind that tongue of yours!"
"Right. Gimme two condoms, then."

Two condoms walk into a gay bar...

One looks to the other and says, "Welp, looks like we're getting shit-faced"

2 nuns were smoking when it started to rain...

The first nun takes out a condom and cuts off the end and slides it over her cigarette and continues smoking.

The second nun notices that it is keeping the first nuns cigarette dry and asks "where'd you get that?"

"From the Pharmacy" replied the first nun.

So the second nun heads down to the pharmacy and asks the clerk for a pack of condoms.

"What size do you need" asked the clerk.

The nun replied - "Large enough to fit a Camel"

Two condoms are walking down a street one night

Two condoms are waking down a street one night when they pass a gay bar. One turns to the other and says Hey, wanna get shit-faced?

Two old ladies are outside smoking a cigarette

It starts raining and without hesitating one of the ladies pulls a condom out of her purse and covers the cig to keep it from getting wet.

The other lady thinks this is genius and walks to the nearest pharmacy.

She grabs a pack of extra large condoms and proceeds to check out.
The cashier says," ma'am, are you sure you need these in extra large?"

The old lady replies, "well I'm not sure, do you think they'll fit a Camel?"

A beer bottle, a mirror and a condom go to the pub.

The beer bottle thinks for a moment and says, You know, if you break me, you get a years bad luck.
The mirror looks incredulous at this comment and says, That's nothing, if you break me you get 7 years bad luck.
The condom starts to laugh so hard he falls on the floor.

Apparently Muslims invented the condom.

As it turns out, Muslims in the middle east one day came up with the brilliant idea to use goat intestines as a suitable condom. It wasn't, however, until in 1827 when the British perfected the idea by taking the intestines *out* of the goat first.

Muslims were the ones that invented the condom.

Muslim's were the ones that invented the condom. This was well before plastics so they used goat intestines. Then the British came along and stole the idea from the Muslims and improved it by removing the intestines from the goat.

I calmly opened the door and said, Son, I found a condom in your room. He looked up sheepishly and groaned, Thanks Grandpa.

Why did you call me Grandpa? I questioned.

He laughed nervously, Because I couldn't find it yesterday.

My wife walked in on an argument between our son and I. When he ran out of the room crying, I turned to the wife and said, "I wish I'd used a condom now." Horrified, she said, "What!? You wish our son had never been born!?"

"No." I replied. "I got his girlfriend pregnant."

I was at my GF's house hanging with her and her smoking hot younger sister

My girlfriend leaves the room leaving me alone with her sister. She's been gone for a while when her sister climbs up on top of me and says "we should have sex right this second, any way you want it, before my sister gets back". I immediately throw her off and start walking out. My girlfriend is waiting outside the room and kisses me, saying I won her trust.


Lesson learned: always keep condom in the car

Daffy Duck was in a hotel room, he called room service and asks for a condom, receptionist says shall we put it on your bill? Daffy replied.

Are you thucking thupid I'll thuffocate.

Why does Gordon Ramsey like to have sex with a condom?

Because he hates it raw.

Selling Condoms

An 18-yr-old starts work as a pharmacist's assistant. The pharmacist is showing the new kid around the aisles when they stop at the condom display and the kid asks why they come in different quantities per package.

The pharmacist tells the noob that the 3-packs are for high school guy, who gets it on once on Friday night, once on Saturday and once on Sunday.
The 6-packs are for the more-experienced college guys, who do it twice each on Friday night, Saturday and Sunday.

So the kid says, "what about these 12-packs?"

The pharmacist replies "the 12-packs are for the guys who've been married for a long time - January, February, March..."

Why do men carry condoms instead of women?

Because by the time women found a condom in their purses, kid would be 3 years old

There is an abundance of pack of condoms jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 65 funniest jokes and condom puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any brand name condom witze you can hear about condom.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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