condom Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious condom puns

Why condoms come in packs of 3, 6 and 12!

A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of
3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one
For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "two
For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies.

"Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March..."

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When I was a teen, my dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.

All the slides were just pictures of me.

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When I was young, my father emphasized every day how important it was to wear a condom if I ever had sex.

He said, Any person willing to have sex with you will sleep with almost anyone else.

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Son, I found a condom in your room.



Gee thanks, Grandpa!

Why are you calling me Grandpa?

Because I couldn't find it yesterday.

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Why condoms come in packs of 3, 6 and 12!

A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies.

"Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March..."

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The condom was first invented by a Welshman by using a sheep's intestine

The English later improved it by removing the intestine from the sheep first

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Did you know that the condom was invented by the Turks?

They used the intestines of sheep around their penis when having sex.

And did you know that years later, the Brits were the ones who improved the condom by removing the sheep?

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I went to a pharmacy and asked for 50 condoms.

There were 2 girls behind me who started laughing. I turned around and looked them straight in the eyes and said, "make that 52".
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Now both of them have condom balloons :D

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Two elderly ladies are smoking outside...

It stared raining and one of the ladies pulls out a condom, cuts the end off and puts it over her cigarette so it won't get wet. The other lady thinks this is a great idea so she decides to head to the store to buy some condoms.
When she gets there she goes to the counter and asks the cashier for a pack of condoms. He looks at her in disgust as he can't believe someone of her age would be having sex. He asks what kind she would like anyways as he doesn't want to lose his job.
She replys "honey, it doesn't matter what kind as long as it fits a camel"

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Two condoms are walking down the street...

They pass a gay bar and one condom says to the other "hey, do you wanna get shit-faced?"

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My dad posted a picture of his "Condom challenge fail"

It was a picture of me

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A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks "What's are these, dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex". "Oh I see" replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school".

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday". "Cool!" says the boy.

He notices a 6-pack and asks "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men" The dad answers "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday". "WOW!" exclaimed the boy.

"Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March..."

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she wants a box of condoms

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking.

Lady 1: "What's that?"

Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"

Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day ... Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."

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The government reveals their new logo today....

The government reveals their new logo today, on a black background sit a magnificent image of a condom.

I guess it makes sense, seeings as how a condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while being screwed.

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Condoms

1272AD - Arab Muslims invent the first condoms using the lower intestine of goats.

1856AD - English farmers improve on the idea by first removing the intestine from the goat.

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The history of the condom.

In 1272, a Welsh inventor created the first condom using a sheeps lower intestine.



In 1873 the English somewhat refined the idea by taking it out of the sheep first.

~ Obligatory edit. No, it took them 601 years to get the welsh out of the sheep to make the condoms.

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A beer bottle, a mirror, and a condom are all talking to each other....

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!

Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!


Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)

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Three cowboys sitting around a campfire

Two are arguing who is tougher.

"Last week I rode a 2000lb bull it bucked me off so I punched it one time and it turned into steaks" said the first.
"That's nothing, last time I had sex I used a live rattler for a condom" boasted the second.

The third said nothing, and continued quietly stirring the embers in the fire with his penis.

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Two old ladies were having a smoke

Jane and Arlene were outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

**Arlene:** *What in the hell is that?*

**Jane:** *A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.*

**Arlene:** *Where did you get it?*

**Jane:** *You can get them at any pharmacy.*

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.

*'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'*

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Got a condom still unused from my 18th birthday, I'm 40...

Wish I'd used it because my kids are fucking annoying

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I recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16.

I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No, this is my first time."
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
"Just a minute." she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.
"Do these excite you?" she asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was shake my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her knickers and sat down at a desk.
"Well, come on," she said, "we don't have much time."
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW. I was done within a few minutes.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown, "Did you put that condom on?" she asked.
I said, "I sure did." and held up my thumb to show her.

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I just made love to my girlfriend

She asked, "If I get pregnant, what should we name the baby?"

I took off my condom, tied a knot, and flushed it down the toilet.

"Well" I said, "If he can get out of that, we'll call him Houdini".

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The Govenment made a recent announcement.....

.......that it is changing the national flag to a CONDOM, because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security whilst you're actually being fucked!!

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Break a mirror, 7 years of bad luck.

Break a condom, your bad luck will probably outlive you.

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I recall my first time with a condom...

I must have been 16.I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No, this is my first time."So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty."Just a minute." she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside."Do these excite you?" she asked.Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was shake my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her knickers and sat down at a desk."Well, come on," she said, "we don't have much time."So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW. I was done within a few minutes.She looked at me with a bit of a frown, "Did you put that condom on?" she asked.I said, "I sure did." and held up my thumb to show her.She fainted.

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When does 1+1=3?

When you don't use a condom.

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My wife keeps complaining about me wearing socks while we have sex…

I *suppose* a condom would be better...

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Did you know condoms have serial numbers?

Oh, I guess you've never rolled one down far enough.

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In 1272, the Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

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In the 15th century the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In the 18th century the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

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condoms used correctly

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What s that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.

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Two condoms walk past a gay bar

One asks the other, Hey, wanna go inside and get shit-faced?

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Condoms do not guarantee safe sex

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was stabbed by the woman's husband

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Two condoms walk past a gay bar

One says to the other "what do you say we go in there and get shit-faced?"

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Two old ladies were outside smoking one day when it started to rain…

One of the ladies took out a condom, cut off the tip and put it over her cigarette.

The other lady said, "Hey, that's a good idea.
What's that called?"

The lady responded, "It's a condom."

The other lady said, "Where can I get one of those?"

She said, "Oh, just about any grocery of drug store."

So, the next day, the lady went to a local drug store, went up to the cashier, and said, "I need to get some condoms."

The cashier looked at her puzzled, because of her age, and said, "Um, what size?"

The lady responded, "Hmm, one that would fit a Camel."

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I think Trojan is a bad name for a condom brand...

...because of course, the Trojans were a people whose lives were ruined when a vessel containing little warriors unexpectedly exploded inside their city walls...

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A guy picks up a beautiful blonde girl and takes her back to his place...

They have wild passionate sex and lay there panting when it's all over. All of a sudden, she sits up all scared.

"Wait! We should have used a condom! You don't have AIDS, do you!?"

The guy says, "No. I'm clean."

"Whew," the blonde girl says. "Good thing. I sure wouldn't want to catch that shit twice!"

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Camel

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?

Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get that?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a camel.

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Tobacco companies kill their best customers

And condom companies kill their future customers.

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Condoms do not guarantee safe sex...

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

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Brought a girl home from a bar last night and after we went down on each other for a while I slipped on a condom. Suddenly, she looked me dead in the eyes and demanded either forty more minutes of foreplay, or that I drop down and give her 100 pushups. When I asked why she said

"The idea is to provide you with a sense of pride and accomplishment for unlocking different holes."

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When I was young my dad really emphasized how important it would be to use a condom if I ever had sex with a girl.

I asked him why.
"Because, son," he said, "any girl that would sleep with you would sleep with anyone."

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Nothing worse than, after sex, looking down and seeing that limp used Condom hanging off your dick...

Particularly when you weren't wearing one when you started.

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Two condoms walk past a gay bar

one turns to the other and says "hey, wanna go in there and get shitfaced"?

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The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an eagle to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

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Three rednecks talking about their wives...

The first redneck says "My wife is so dumb, she bought a toilet, and we don't even got indoor plumbin." The second says "My wife is so dumb, she bought an air conditioner, and we don't got 'lectricity." Third says "That's nothin I was going through my wife's purse the other day, and I found a condom. she don't even got a penis!"

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So two condoms walk into a bar..

.. They quickly realize that it is a gay bar. One condom turns to the other and says, "Dude. We are gonna get shitfaced tonight!"

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A man walks into a drug store with his 10-year old son...

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied,

"Those are for married men…
One for January, one for February, one For March......."

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What's a condom?

Two older women are sitting on a bench waiting for a bus. The first lady takes out a cigarette and starts to smoke. A minute later it begins to rain, so she takes out a condom, cuts off the end, and carefully places it over the cigarette to shield it from the rain. The second lady looks at that and says, "That's such a good idea, but what is that plastic thing?" "It's a condom," The first lady replies. "Well, where can you buy those?" the second lady asks." Um...
Most people buy them at pharmacies." the first lady replies. So the second lady goes to a pharmacy and walks up to the counter. "Do you guys sell those condom things?" she asks the pharmacist. "Why yes we do," the pharmacist says a little confused, "Do you know what size you need?" So the lady says, "Well it's got to fit a Camel."

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Condoms

A boy and his father are shopping when they pass the condom aisle. The boy sees three pack sizes of condoms, a pack of three, one of six, and one of twelve. He grabs the three pack.

The father says, Those are for high schoolers. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.

The boy asks, Who are the six packs for?

The father responds, those are for college students. TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.

The boy responds, Ooo! What are the twelve packs for then?

The father sighs and says, Those... are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...

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A young couple is going to have dinner...

A young couple is going to have dinner at the girl's parents' house, and after that, they plan to have sex for the first time. The boy goes to buy a condom from the pharmacy before going to his girlfriend's house. Obviously, as a virgin, he has no idea what he's doing. The pharmacist there sees the boy and goes to give him help. Soon they have been talking for over an hour as to which condoms are best. The boy buys a condom and thanks the pharmacist for all of his help.
The boy then goes off to his girlfriend's house for dinner. He says hi to the father and mother, but quickly suggests they say Grace. Even after the father as finished saying Grace, the young boy keeps his head down, first for a minute, then 5 minutes, then 10 minutes, and then a half-hour has gone by. The girl leans over to the boy and whispers "You never told me you were so religious" and the boy responds "You never told me your dad was a pharmacist"

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If you woke up and found a used condom in your ass would you tell anyone?

No


Want to go camping?

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A girl reaches into the glove compartment of her boyfriends car for a condom...

and finds one missing. They had bought that box together, and it was now open and missing one. Furious, she asked him what the deal was.
"Oh, I masturbated with one on, just to see what it would feel like."
Satisfied with this answer, but still curious, they went on with their business. She was still upset the next day and asked a male friend about the situation.
"I do that all the time!" said the male friend
"What, jerk it with a condom on?"
"No, lie to my girlfriend."

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How does Justin Bieber remove his condom after sex?

He farts.

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What does a camera have in common with a condom?

They both capture that special moment.

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Man and his wife are trying to spice up their marriage

So the husband comes home with a packet of flavoured condoms. He says to his wife;
"We'll play a game. I'll turn the light off, I'll put on the condom and you try and guess the flavour".
His wife goes down on him and after a few moments she calls out, "Cheese and Onion" as the husband responds,
"I've not put it on yet"

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Bad luck

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!
Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck.
*condom walks in laughing*

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What's the best form of protection when you don't have a condom?

A fake name

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Use condoms: because if she'd sleep with you, she'd sleep with anyone.

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"Son, I found a condom in your room."

"Gee thanks, grandpa."

"Why are you calling me grandpa?"

"Because I didn't find it yeterday."

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What do you call a balloon animal made out of a condom?

A Trojan horse.

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In 1839 an Arab man made the first condom

The condom was made of goat intestines. In 1844, a British scientist revolutionized the condom by removing the intestines from the goat first

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The redhead mom, the brunette mom, and the blonde mom.

There are three moms. A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde.
They were all talking one day and the brunette says "Oh my gosh y'all I went through my daughter's purse the other day to get some gum, and I found an ounce of weed. I cannot believe she smokes weed."
They comfort her, and the redhead says "Yeah, well I found a fake I. D. In my daughter's purse. I cannot believe she has one". So they all comfort her.
Then the blonde says "That's nothing. I found a condom in my daughter's purse. I just cannot believe she has a penis"

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Two condoms are walking down the street..

..They walk past a gay club, one turns to the other and says "Hey wanna get shitfaced?"

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Two condoms are walking down the street when they walk by a gay bar. One condom says to the other

"Hey man, wanna get shit-faced?"

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Peter is invited to dinner with his girlfriend's family.

Before dinner, Peter goes into a Pharmacy says to the pharmacist "Hello, could you give me a Condom? I'm going to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I think I may have a shot". The Pharmacist gives him the condom.

As he was exiting, he stepped back in to the Pharmacy and said Give me another condom because my Girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She's always flirting with the way she crosses her legs and I might have a chance there too". The pharmacist gave him a second condom.

As Peter was leaving, he turns back one more time and says "Give me one more condom. Her mum is still pretty cute and she always tries to get my attention with the way she sways her hips or licks her lips". The pharmacist gave him a third condom.

During dinner, Peter sat down with his Girlfriend on his left, her sister on his right and her mum facing him. Once her father enters the room, Peter repectfully lowers his head and starts the dinner prayer "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you've given given us".

Ten minutes later, Peter is still praying "Thank you Lord for your kindness. ....". More time goes by and he's still praying, his head down close to the table. The rest of the family keep looking at each other surprised. His girlfriend eventually moves in close and whispers "I didn't know you were so religious?". Peter, with his head still on the table replies "I didn't know your father was a Pharmacist".

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Condoms were invented by Arabic-Muslims sometime in the 1400s using lower goat intestine

They were later improved by the British in 1873 by taking the intestine out of the goat first

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In 1272, Arabic Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

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whats the difference between Congress and a condom?

You can only fit one dick in a condom.

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A guy goes to the pharmacy to buy a condom for tonight's dinner at his girlfriends house

Pharmacist at counter: " just one condom? You sure?"
Guy: "actually, my girlfriend's sister is pretty hot...lets make it two condoms."
Pharmacist: "just two then? That's it?"
Guy: "let's make it three. The mom is really hot too."
That night he goes to dinner and her whole family is there. He sits at the table not saying a word, his face red as a tomato. His girlfriend takes him in the bedroom after they eat.
Girlfriend: "what's wrong with you? You didn't say a word all night. Did something happen?"
Guy: "no, I just didn't know your dad worked at the pharmacy."

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Two condoms walk past a gay bar...

One turns to the other and says 'Wanna go in there and get shit faced?'

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A duck orders a condom, at a hotel...

The man at the front desk asks, "Would you like me to put this on your bill, sir?"

The duck replies, "No, what sort of pervert do you think I am?!"

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Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a Hotel room...

...and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, 'Do you have a condom?'

Donald frowned and said, 'No.'

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.
'Maybe they sell them at the front desk,' she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, 'Would you like me to put them on your bill?

'Thit No!' Donald quacked, I'll thuffocate

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This joke my cousin's grandmother told me...

Two old ladies were outside on a cigarette break during the rain. One lady slipped out a little plastic covering for her cigarette to keep it from getting wet. The other lady turned to her and asked her what she had. She replied "Oh this, it's just a condom and I cut off one end so I can keep my cigarette dry from the rain"

The lady thought this was genius. So she went to the pharmacist that night. She asked the pharmacist, "Do you have any condoms that would properly fit a Camel?"

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I've discovered that 1+1 can, in fact, equal 3.

Because I wasn't wearing a condom.

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In the mid 1800s a primitive condom was developed in New Zealand, made from a sheep intestine.

It wasn't until the early 1900s that it made it's way to Australia, where it was immediately improved by removing it from the sheep.

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[nsfw] A man goes to the pharmacy

He asks to buy a condom, He tells the pharmacist "well, I am going to my new girlfriends place for dinner tonight, I need a condom for sexy time with my girlfriend". He buys the condom and walks out of the store. A few seconds later, He comes back and says "well, actually, my girlfriends sister is pretty hot, maybe I should have one more condom". He buys the condom and leaves the store, but on the way out, He turns around and says "now I think about it, her mom is pretty hot as well, let me get one last condom". He buys the condom and then leaves the store.

Later that day, at his girlfriends place, they sit at the table, the whole family, (the man, the girlfriend, her Sister, her mom and her dad). The man is sitting in praying position with his hands folded in front of his face, looking down at the table. His girlfriend then whispers to him "I didn't know you were religious", the man answers "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist"

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100 nuns are in a prayer session.

After the session ends, the head nun stands up and addresses the nuns.
"There was a man in the convent last night," she says.
99 nuns gasp, while one chuckles quietly to herself.
"We found a condom in the garden," the head nun continues.
Again, 99 nuns gasp, while one chuckles quietly to herself.
"There was a hole in that condom."
99 nuns chuckle, while one gasps.

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Two condoms walk past a gay bar

One says to the other, "lets go in there and get shit faced"

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I find that the best place to keep a spare condom is in my wallet

because that's where EA keeps trying to fuck me.

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What's more useless than a condom at a feminist rally?

Everyone there.

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2 condoms are walking down the street.....

2 condoms are friends and they are walking down the street. After a few blocks they pass by a gay bar. Feeling a little thirsty, one condom says to the other "Hey, you want to go in and get shit faced?"

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Two condoms walk past a gay bar

One turns to the other: "Wanna get shit-faced?"

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Why did the condom fly across the room?

Because it got pissed off.

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What's worse than getting 7 years of bad luck from breaking a mirror?

Getting a lifetime of bad luck from breaking a condom.

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My girlfriend made me wear a camouflage condom

... she never saw me coming.

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Things not to say after sex:

– You are better than your sister.

– When do I put the condom on?

– There's money on the counter.

– Alright who's gonna help me rebury this?

– Do you have aids ? I don't want to get it again.

– Yeah, definitely gay.

– It was better when you were sleeping.

– Please like and subscribe.

– Well that ejaculated quickly.

– New record, 17 seconds!

– I was born as male.

– Did your mom teach you that? You guys fuck so similar.

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Why did the condom fly across the room?

Cuz it was pissed off.

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What's the difference between a condom and the congress?

You can only fit one dick inside a condom.

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A man and his coworker are at the water cooler...

A man and his coworker are at the water cooler talking during their break when the man asks,

"If you woke up with grass stains on your knees and a condom stuck in your ass, would you tell anyone?"

The coworker, disgusted, replies "No!"

"Wanna go camping this weekend?"

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Two Old Ladies

There were once two old Jewish ladies on a vacation in Israel. They are floating together out in the dead sea when one says to the other, "want a smoke?"

She replies, "Here? How?" The first lady reaches in to her bathing suit and pulls out a balloon with two cigarettes and a lighter in it. The second one asks, "What's that?"

"Oh? You don't know? It's a condom!" They smoke, relax, and enjoy themselves. After they've been floating for a while, the second old lady says,

"And where can I get this condom?"

"Just over at the drugstore, easy."

Later that day, the second old lady walks into the nearest pharmacy, goes up to the teller, and asks for a condom. The teller is a young man who is quite bemused at this bent old lady coming in to buy a condom, so he decides to yank her chain a bit.

"And what size condom would you like?"

"Oh, I dunno, big enough for a camel."

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My dad came into my room the other night as I was getting ready for a date

He sat me down, handed me a condom, looked me in the eyes and said, "Son, don't make the same mistakes I did."

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Two condoms walked up to a gay bar

One said to the other, "Wanna get shitfaced?"

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A teenager boy went to pharmacy to buy a condom...

(...) and there the pharmacist is very eager to help, showing him different types of condoms and sizes. After choosing one the boy was on his way to the cashier and remembered something. He went back to the pharmacist and said:

"You know what, I'm going to my girlfriend's house today to meet her parents and it's a sure thing to happen, you know.. sex. But I heard her older sister is in town visiting, and for what I heard she's a slut. So give me another package of condoms, just in case."

The pharmacist delivers and as the young boy heads towards the cashier he turns again:

"Well, I should probably get another one, I heard her mom likes some action too, if you know what I mean."

Later that evening he was a little quiet and his girlfriend, a little worried:

"Honey, you look so quiet, that's not you. I didn't know you were that shy"

And the boy replied: "And I didn't know your father was a pharmacist."

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Two condoms walk past a gay bar

One looks to the other and says "Wanna get shit faced?"

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Why should you wear a condom when writing C++ code?

It's full of std vectors.

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The New National Symbol

The government today announced that it is changing its national symbol to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed. It just doesn't get more accurate than that.

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Drug Store Condom Shopping

A man walks up to the counter of a drug store and asks to buy some condoms. The extremely attractive woman behind the counter asks what size he would like.

"Huh, I don't know really. I don't know how to tell."

The woman then asks the man to drop his pants, she reaches over the counter, grabs his penis, then says over the speaker, "Medium condoms to counter 7". The man pays for his condoms and leaves.

A 16 year old boy sees this and decides to try the same thing. He goes up to the counter and asks for some condoms. The woman asks what size he would like, and he says, "Huh, I don't know. I don't really know how to tell."

The woman tells him to drop his pants, she reaches over the counter, grabs his penis, then says over the speaker, "Clean up at counter 7."

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A woman is just like a condom.

If she's not on your dick, she's in your wallet.

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Did you know the first condoms were invented by the Welsh out of sheep's intestines?

The English improved on the invention by taking the intestines out of the sheep before using them.

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[NSFW] Silently I slipped the condom over my erect

dick and unrolled it down the entire length of my throbbing shaft never once losing eye contact with the young woman as she stared at me in wide eyed, jaw dropping disbelief ...

Then breaking the silence I spoke ...

"Yes, that seems to fit alright, I'll take the whole packet please ...

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Why did the condom fly across the room

Because it was pissed off.

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A guy rushes into a pharmacy run by prudes...

Goes straight to the register and says in a loud voice "Gimme one condom."
The cashier lady is outraged. "Young man! You mind that tongue of yours!"
"Right. Gimme two condoms, then."

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Two condoms walk into a gay bar...

One looks to the other and says, "Welp, looks like we're getting shit-faced"

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A Scottish Soldier marches into a pharmacy

A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy.

Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton
bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also
unfolds to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

"How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist.
"Six pence" says the chemist.
"How much for a new one?"
"Ten pence" says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief
and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside,
followed by an even greater shout.

The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the
proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.

"The regiment has taken a vote," he says. "We'll have a new one."

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Cigarettes in the rain

Two old ladies were sitting out in front of a nursing home smoking, when all of the sudden it began to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut the tip off and slid it over her cigarette and continued smoking.

*Lady 2*: "What in the world is that?"

*Lady 1*: "A condom."

*Lady 2*: "Where can I get one??"

*Lady 1*: "At the pharmacy!"

So the other old lady walks to the drug store, straight to the pharmacist.

*Lady*: "I'd like to buy some condoms please!"

*Pharmacist*: "There are many kinds, do you need anything in particular?"

*Lady*: "I don't care, as long as they'll fit on a Camel!"

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3 Foot Condom

A Dwarf goes into a chemist and asks if the 3 foot display condom was for sale?

The owners says "Yes but its not cheap, i'd want Β£500 for it."

"I'll take it" says the dwarf.

After paying for it the dwarf pulls it over head and down to his shoes and asks the shop owner what he thinks he looks like?

The owner replies "to be honest you look like a massive cock."

"Excellent." replies the dwarf, "i'm pissed off with being called a little cunt."

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Why did the condom fly away?

It got pissed off.

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Two condoms are walking down the street when they pass a gay bar...

One turns to the other and asks, "Hey man, wanna go get shit faced?"

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When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it forgets to use a condom

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2 nuns were smoking when it started to rain...

The first nun takes out a condom and cuts off the end and slides it over her cigarette and continues smoking.

The second nun notices that it is keeping the first nuns cigarette dry and asks "where'd you get that?"

"From the Pharmacy" replied the first nun.

So the second nun heads down to the pharmacy and asks the clerk for a pack of condoms.

"What size do you need" asked the clerk.

The nun replied - "Large enough to fit a Camel"

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Two condoms are walking down a street one night

Two condoms are waking down a street one night when they pass a gay bar. One turns to the other and says Hey, wanna get shit-faced?

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Guy's first condom story

I recall my first time with a condom, I was
16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of
condoms at the pharmacy. There was this
beautiful woman assistant behind the
counter, and she could see that I was new
at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I
knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first
time.'
So she unwrapped the package, took one
out and slipped it over her thumb. She
cautioned me to make sure it was on tight
and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the
store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the
door, and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.πŸ‘™

'Do these excite you?' She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could
do was nod my head. She then said it was
time to slip the condom on.

As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk.
'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful,
that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and I was done within a few minutes.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown.

'Did you put that condom on?' she asked.
I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to
show her.

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Two old ladies are outside smoking a cigarette

It starts raining and without hesitating one of the ladies pulls a condom out of her purse and covers the cig to keep it from getting wet.

The other lady thinks this is genius and walks to the nearest pharmacy.

She grabs a pack of extra large condoms and proceeds to check out.
The cashier says," ma'am, are you sure you need these in extra large?"

The old lady replies, "well I'm not sure, do you think they'll fit a Camel?"

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Two old ladies, Sunny and Tina,

were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain.

Tina pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Sunny: "What's that?"

Tina: "A condom."

Sunny: "Where'd you get it?"

Tina: "You can get them at any chemist"

The next day, Sunny hobbled into the local chemist and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a pack of condoms.

The guy looked at her strangely (she was, after all, in her eighties), but politely asked what brand she preferred.

"Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

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Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore...

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

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A man and his wife finish having sex and she notices afterwards there's only 1 condom left in the pack of six...

"What happened to the others?" She asks him.
"I masturbated into them" he explains.
Later that night the wife is out with a guy friend and decides to ask him if he ever does this.
"Sure! All the time" he tells her.
"Really? You masturbate into condoms all the time"? She asks.
"No!" He laughs. "I thought you meant lie to your wife!"

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Apparently Muslims invented the condom.

As it turns out, Muslims in the middle east one day came up with the brilliant idea to use goat intestines as a suitable condom. It wasn't, however, until in 1827 when the British perfected the idea by taking the intestines *out* of the goat first.

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Two old ladies are outside their nursing home....

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

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what size condom

A man goes into a drug store and asks the cashier for some rubbers. The cashier asks, "What size?"

The man replies, "Size? I didn't know they came in sizes."

"Yes, they do," she says, "What size do you want?"

"Well, gee, I don't know," the man answers.

The lady is used to this, so she tells him to go to out back and measure his dick by sticking it into each of the three holes in the fence. While the man is back there, the lady sneaks around to the other side of the fence and spreads her legs behind each hole as the man tests it. When the they return, the cashier asks, "What will it be? Small, medium, or large?"

The man replies, "To hell with the rubbers, give me a hundred feet of that fence back there!"

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Muslims were the ones that invented the condom.

Muslim's were the ones that invented the condom. This was well before plastics so they used goat intestines. Then the British came along and stole the idea from the Muslims and improved it by removing the intestines from the goat.

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A young man, about 15, visits his local pharmacy ...

...and heads straight to the family planning section. He takes a look around the condom section and appears a little unsure of himself.

The pharmacist, an older gentleman, comes over and asks, "Excuse me son, what seems to be the trouble?"

The young man says, "Well, you see…I have a date tonight with my girlfriend. Actually, I'm going to meet her family for the first time. And then..well, I was thinking of…losing my…well, having our first.."

The young man mumbles a bit, but the pharmacist smiles and replies, "You want to make the night special, right?" He seemed like a good natured fellow, so the young man allows him to help him pick a pack of condoms. He rang up the price and the young man left.

Still very nervous, the young man goes to his girlfriend's house. After hugging his girlfriend, she introduces him to her parents.

After exchanging some pleasantries, the family and the young man sit down for dinner. The young man says that he will give the prayer before they eat and they all bow their heads. After about five minutes, the young man and the family are still praying. After another few minutes of prayer the girlfriend leans over and whispers "Wow, I didn't know you were so religious."

The young man leans over and replies, "I didn't know your father was a pharmacist."

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what's the difference between a condom and your mother?

A condom wasn't on my dick last night

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I was at my GF's house hanging with her and her smoking hot younger sister

My girlfriend leaves the room leaving me alone with her sister. She's been gone for a while when her sister climbs up on top of me and says "we should have sex right this second, any way you want it, before my sister gets back". I immediately throw her off and start walking out. My girlfriend is waiting outside the room and kisses me, saying I won her trust.


Lesson learned: always keep condom in the car

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My wife walked in on an argument between our son and I. When he ran out of the room crying, I turned to the wife and said, "I wish I'd used a condom now." Horrified, she said, "What!? You wish our son had never been born!?"

"No." I replied. "I got his girlfriend pregnant."

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A condom, tampon and bandaid are walking down the street. Which one would say 'hi' as you pass?

The bandaid, because the other two are stuck up cunts.

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Condoms.

A man goes to the pharmacy. He asks the pharmacist for a black condom. The pharmacist says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think they exist."

"Find one." The man says. "I've seen them, I know that they exist." The pharmacist promises to look, but doesn't believe he'll find anything.

Three days later the man gets a call. It's the pharmacist saying, "I don't believe it but I found a black condom. Come pick it up."

The man comes to the pharmacy. He picks up the condom, but the pharmacist says, "I must ask, why did it have to be black?"

The man replies, "I have to give my condolences to my best friend's widow."

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Daffy Duck was in a hotel room, he called room service and asks for a condom, receptionist says shall we put it on your bill? Daffy replied.

Are you thucking thupid I'll thuffocate.

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One night in a nunnery.

One nun is secretly sneaking a man into the convent to have sex with him. The following morning, the Mother Superior calls all of the 100 sisters together. She tells them, "Sisters, I have some terrible news. I know there was a man in the convent last night."
99 nuns gasp, one nun giggles.
"I know he had sex with one of you."
99 nuns gasp, one nun giggles.
"I found a condom in one of the beds."
99 nuns gasp, one nun giggles.
"I found a hole in the condom."
99 nuns giggle, one nun gasps.

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A condom for Donald Duck

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"

"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"

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Why did the condom hit the wall?

It was pissed off

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Why does Gordon Ramsey like to have sex with a condom?

Because he hates it raw.

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Two condoms are walking down the street...

And they pass a gay bar. One condom turns to the other and asks "hey wanna get shit faced?"

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Two condoms are walking past a gay bar...

One says to the other, hey wanna go in and get shitfaced?

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Selling Condoms

An 18-yr-old starts work as a pharmacist's assistant. The pharmacist is showing the new kid around the aisles when they stop at the condom display and the kid asks why they come in different quantities per package.

The pharmacist tells the noob that the 3-packs are for high school guy, who gets it on once on Friday night, once on Saturday and once on Sunday.
The 6-packs are for the more-experienced college guys, who do it twice each on Friday night, Saturday and Sunday.

So the kid says, "what about these 12-packs?"

The pharmacist replies "the 12-packs are for the guys who've been married for a long time - January, February, March..."

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Why do men carry condoms instead of women?

Because by the time women found a condom in their purses, kid would be 3 years old

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Condom origins

Did you know the condom was invented in a small village in wales in the 12th century. They thought it would be a good idea to use the lower intestine of a sheep to stop their wives becoming pregnant.

Of course, in the 1350's, the English improved on the idea. They took the lower intestine out of the sheep before they used it.

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Smokin at the nursing home.

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and aΒ smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.

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What's worse than finding a hole in your condom?

Finding a condom in your hole

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A Scotsman invented the first condom. It was made out of a sheep's intestine.

Not too long after, the British improved on it by first removing the intestine from the sheep.

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I went to a pharmacy and asked for 50 condoms..

I was about to pay for it when I heard 2 girls laughing at me.

I looked at them straight in the eye and said, "Make that 52."

Now both of them have condom balloons :D

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Whats the difference between a seatbelt and a condom?

One of them prevents lives being **lost** in an accident and the other prevents lives being **made** in an accident.

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GRANDPA'S CONDOMS

An old man finds a condom in his grandson's apartment and asks what it is.

"It's a condom," replies the grandson, sheepishly.

"What do you use it for?" asks Grandpa.

The grandson is embarrassed, so he says, "I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain."

Grandpa says, "That's a great idea." He goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist for a condom.

"What size would you like?" asks the pharmacist.

"Big enough to fit a Camel."

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Two Condoms are walking past a gay bar...

... one turns to the other and says, "Wanna go get shit faced?"

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What's worse than an elephant in the china shop?

A hedgehog in the condom factory.

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2 ducks are walking down the street.

2 ducks are walking down the street when they see each other. It's love at first sight. They immediately start talking and within 5 minutes they are getting a hotel room together. As the evening progresses, they are about to have sex, when one duck asks the other if he has a condom. He says "I don't, but I can get one from reception." So he heads down to reception, and slightly embarrassed asks if he can buy a condom. The receptionist says, "of course, would you like it on your bill." The duck responds outraged, "what kind of sick bastard do you think I am."

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Two condoms drive by a gay bar...

One turns to the other and says "let's get shit-faced!"

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So a man walks in to a CVS..

and he goes to the female cashier and asks how he can know what size condom he should wear. She tells him to step behind the counter, she unzips his pants, gives him a few tugs and says "Medium". He buys his condoms and tells his buddy "Hey, there's this girl at the CVS who can guess your condom size just by looking!". His buddy, being a 'skeptic' goes and checks it out. She follows the same routine and says "large". He calls his friend when he gets home and is ecstatic. His 14 year old brother overheard the conversation and decided to 'try it out' for himself. So he goes to the CVS and asks the cashier what size condom he is, she asks him behind the counter, gives him a few tugs and says "Clean up on register 5!".

**tl;dr - handjobs.**

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I went to a party, but to my horror, everyone was wearing costumes! I opened my wallet, pulled out a condom and rolled it over my nose. The frowning host asked me, "What're you supposed to be!?"

I replied, "Fuck knows."

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Two condoms are walking past a gay bar..

One says to the other, "Want to get shitfaced?"

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What are the best Condom puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Condom? Well, here are the best jokes about Condom to have fun with.

Joko Jokes