Condition Jokes

So I was shopping online for antique guns.....

and I got to the World War II section. I selected guns of French origin. They were all in mint condition.

A man goes to church to make a confession...

A man goes to church to make a confession to the priest.
"Look. I have a confession to make. During the war, a young, gorgeous woman came to my door looking for somewhere to stay hidden. And I accepted, on the condition that she would repay me every day with s**... favors."
The priest says, "Don't worry, young fellow. You have sinned. You were young and lustful, and God will forgive you."
"Good," the man said. "But I have another question. Do you think I should tell her the war's over?"

A man is in critical condition for swallowing 250,000 dollars in large bills.

No change is expected.

So I hear Lil Wayne is in critical condition. I think it has to do with his lungs...

He's always been a lil weezy.

FOR SALE BY OWNER

Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. excellent condition $1,000 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything.

A doctor tells his patient that unfortunately, his condition is terminal...

"Well, how long have I got doc?" asks the man.
"Ten", replies the doctor.
"Ten what?" Asks the patient, "Ten years? Ten Months? Tell me it's not ten weeks!"
"Nine..." Replies the doctor.

So this amputee hadn't told his fiance about his condition yet...

and he kept putting it off. Finally, on their wedding night, in bed with the lights out, he screws up his courage.
"Honey, I have a confession to make."
"What is it, dear?"
Instead of answering, he simply takes his brides hand and puts it on the stump of his leg.
"Well!" she exclaims, "This is a surprise! But I'll get the vaseline and see what I can do."

A guy sees a sign that says, "Volunteers needed for medical experiment. $500 fee!"

So he goes in and they tell him they need humans to mate with gorillas. The guy thinks about it for a second, then says, "I'll do it under three conditions:
1) No one can find out that I did this.
2) If there are any offspring, they should be treated humanely.
3) I'm gonna need some time to come up with the $500."

Coffee Joke [OC]

So the coffee asked the creamer, "Are you outraged by our working conditions too, or do you support management?"
The creamer replied, "I'm half and half."
^^^I'm ^^^Sorry.

my wife finally agreed to a t**..., on the condition that she picks the girl

i replied "nah, honey, i'm gonna pick both of them"

I like my health care like I like my h**... (oc)

Cheap, and accepting of all preexisting conditions...as far as I'm aware I just made this up, be gentle

Air conditioning?

Not a fan

The vaccine conspiracy

Linda had a heart attack and was brought to the emergency room while in clinical death. The doctors managed to revive her, but during her coma she saw a bright light and God appeared to her. She asked him:
"Tell me, God, is it true that vaccines could cause autism?"
"No, autism is a condition that develops during pregnancy"
After getting well, she met her friends and told them about her experience:
"Girls, I have awful news: the conspiracy goes way higher than we've thought"

I get ignored so much that people call me terms and conditions

What do you call it when Oxygen and Nitrogen train at the gym together?

Air conditioning

A European m**... goes to an African tribe...

... and asks the tribeleader if he may stay with them. The leader agrees on one condition: No white child can be born.
However, 9 months later, a woman is discovered with a white child.
The leader summons the missonary to explain himself. The m**... looks out the window and shows the leader a herd of sheep and says:
" As you can see, all the sheep are white, yet one of them is black... "
In complete distress, the tribeleader exclaims: " Allright, I won't say anything about your child, as long as you don't say anything about the sheep!"

Day 19, I have successfully conditioned my master to smile and write in his book every time I drool.- Pavlov's Dog

Air tragedy in Newfoundland...

A two-seater single engine Cessna 152 crashed in foggy conditions near the Gander airport, crashing into the nearby cemetery.
Newfie rescue squads have recovered 385 bodies so far, and that number is expected to climb as digging continues.

So my wife just hit me with a "mom joke".

She says, "oh look, there's whiteout conditions in Washington D.C. I bet Will Smith is gonna boycott"!

My girlfriend left me for telling too many bad jokes...

I guess her love was pun-conditional.

Monkey Business

A zookeeper notices the lonely female gorilla is feeling depressed and needs to cheer her up again. He asks the r**... janitor of the zoo if he'll have s**... with the gorilla for $500.
The r**... says that he'll do it under 2 conditions.
Ok, says the zookeeper, what are they?
I don't want anyone to ever find out.
Ok, done! What's your second condition?
The r**... says; "I'll need an extra week to come up with the five hundred dollars."

My father told me that I should condition more and shampoo less

I told him to stop getting in the shower with me

Last night I found out that my wife has conditional gender dysphoria.

She said that she needed to be Frank with me.

A man and his wife are playing Dungeons and Dragons together...

During the man's turn, he rolls his D20 and rolls a 1. Simultaneously, he stubs his toe against the table leg so hard that his toe essentially falls off. Blood everywhere. The wife has to rush them both to the ER.
She's waiting.
She's waiting...
The doctor emerges, and the wife rushes over. "How is my husband? What's his condition?"
The doctor replies: "Critical, miss."

"I'd like to prescribe you a topical ointment for that skin condition," my doctor said.

"Woah, woah, woah, doc," I replied. "Let's not make any rash decisions."

Dang girl are you a zero percent APR loan?

cuz I don't understand your terms and conditions and you keep saying you have no interest

I have a condition that makes me eat when I can't sleep

It's called insom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nia

When I was a little girl, I had a unique medical condition that required me to eat play-doh three times a day to survive.

I was very lucky that my older brother informed me about it and made sure I did it, or I might not be here today.

I have a condition where I feel the need to steal library books.

I should probably get that checked out.

Don't make fun of Kim Jong Un just because of his condition.

It's not his fault he suffers from projectile dysfunction.

My husband and I like to role play in bed...

He's Donald Trump and I am an American with a pre-existing condition.

So I was in the emergency room

and while I was waiting for the doctor to come back I overheard a couple nurses at the nurses' station discussing another ER patient's case.
Apparently this dude had come in complaining of r**... pain. They took an X-Ray and found at least 8 toy horses in his colon. It sounded serious, but they described his condition as stable.

Dr: "Mr Smith, your wife is comfortable."

Husband: "I thought she was in a coma and critical condition."
Dr: "She is, the nurses are using her as a beanbag."

I prefer "badass" to "hemorrhoids"

when I describe my condition

In one Intensive care unit

people always died on the same bed at 11 am on a Sunday morning, regardless of their condition. This puzzled medical staff, so a group of doctors decided to observe the bed in secret and waited for the fateful hour. Some held crosses and prayer books to ward off evil influences, while the less superstitious had video cameras to catch the whole thing on tape. At the 11th hour, the door to the ward slowly opened, then a cleaner came in, disconnected the life support machine and plugged in a vacuum cleaner.

I was at my divorce settlement yesterday, when I announced I would like to make a suggestion...

They agreed, so I told them, "She can have the car, the house, all the funds in our joint account and full custody of our children on one condition... I get to keep whatever I have in my pocket."
"It's a deal!" my wife said, with a smug look on her face.
"You obviously didn't check the lottery numbers last night, did you?"

As a child I had a severe condition where I had to drink my own u**... else I would die

Lucky my brother told me about it before it was too late.

For sale: French Rifle

Condition: never fired, dropped once.

There was this haunted ICU in a hospital... People always died at 3pm on a Sunday afternoon, regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled medical staff, so a group of doctors decided to keep a watch on the bed in secret and waited for the fateful hour.
At 3pm, the door to the ward slowly opened, then a cleaner came in, disconnected the life support machine and plugged in a vacuum cleaner.

A dyslexic friend of mine thought it might help his condition if he joined a poetry club.

He hasn't come out with any poems yet, but he's made some pretty nice j**... and vases and stuff.

My uncle was kicked by a horse the other day

He's in stable condition.

Did you know there is a condition that causes ones hair to be soft and healthy

The condition is called "er," but most people call it conditioner

Bill Gates has agreed to fund Trump's border wall...

On the one condition that they install Windows.

"You have a very rare and extremely contagious condition"

the doctor told his patient.
"We're going to have to put you in an isolation unit where you'll be on a diet of pancakes and pizza."
"Will the pancakes and pizza cure my condition?" asked the patient.
"No," replied the doctor.
"They're the only things we can slip under the door."

How does Pavlov keep his hair so soft?

He conditions it.

How did Pavlov make his hair so soft?

He conditioned it

So on a flight, there is a woman who is sneezing.

Now see, this woman is sneezing very vigorously. Eventually, a man leans over and asks 'what's wrong?'
The woman replies, 'I have a very rare condition wherein every time I sneeze I o**....'
The man replies, 'oh why that sounds terrible! What medication are you taking for it?'
The woman smiles and replies, 'pepper'.

Adam and Eve.

First people in history to not read the Apple terms and conditions.

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant.

First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry.
So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest."Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

WANTED: Large amount of rats, mice and bed bugs

… as my current rental agreement requires me to leave the apartment in the condition it was when I moved in.

When I was younger, I had a horrible condition that meant I had to eat soil three times a day.

I'm lucky my older brother told me about it, really.

The first 5G cell phone mast in town is put up

Suddenly, all sorts of people develop medical conditions. A citizens' initiative against the mast is formed. A public hearing is organized with the mayor and representatives of the telecom company. The people bring forward all the ailments they suffer from since the mast was erected.
The telecom technician replies: "For God's sake, what will be going on when we then put the mast into operation?"

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she should have a few days to live!"
"Well, I don't know how she was yesterday" - he replied - "But today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst"

AC Bill

My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high the air conditioning bill is.
I told him, "My door is always open."

An elephant is standing on a street corner with an e**....

His thing is HUGE, hangs all the way to the ground.
At that moment a mother is taking her son to school and the son looks at the elephant and says "Mommy what is that?"
Mom: "Oh that's the trunk honey"
Kid: "No mom, further back between the legs"
Mom: "Oh that? That's nothing...." and awkwardly changes the subject.
The next day, same elephant in the same condition is on the corner only this time the dad is taking the kid to school.
Kid: "Hey dad, what is that? It's not the the trunk and it's not the legs, it's in between the legs. Mommy says that's nothing."
The dad thinks for a second and then laughs, "Yeah well, mommy is spoiled."

I told my girlfriend last week to get her air conditioning fixed and to stop walking around the house n**... for all the neighbors to see. I came over today and nothing has changed

Except now she's got only fans

I had to scold my employee for leaving the air conditioning on for the night

We had a very heated argument.

Day 19 of the experiment...

"Day 19 of the experiment, I have successfully conditioned my master to give me food,smile,and write in his book every time I drool." - Pavlov's Dog