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Condition Jokes

167 condition jokes and hilarious condition puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about condition that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Discover a collection of hilarious jokes about heart conditions and ailments, including laughs about donor hearts and miraculous recovery. Read on to find out how you can stay light-hearted while living with a heart condition or supporting a loved one.

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Funniest Condition Short Jokes

Short condition jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The condition humour may include short occasion jokes also.

  1. Breaking News: bill gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall On the condition he gets to install windows.
  2. I have two conditions in my will... 1) I want my remains spread around Disney World
    2) I do not want to be cremated
  3. A man crosses the mexican border seeking better living conditions for his family. Then his constituency calls for him to resign as a senator from Texas.
  4. A guy goes to his doctor because he can see into the future. The doctor asks him - How long have you suffered from that condition?
    The guy tells him - Since next Monday.
  5. The Robinhood app has a rating of 4.7 stars in the app store. But current market conditions prevent us from allowing investors to add new star. You may only remove stars until conditions improve.
  6. A younger chimp asks one of his elders what's a conditioned reflex. The older chimp says: "When I press this red button an idiot in a white coat will open that door and bring us some bananas."
  7. Genie granted me one wish, but with a condition that my enemy will get two times more I asked for 120/80 blood pressure
  8. A friend of mine has been rushed to hospital, after eating a horse-burger. Apparently he is now in a stable condition.
  9. Liz Cheney will agree to dismantle the January 6 Commission under one condition That is if Donald Trump can go on a hunting trip with her Dad.
  10. I have a condition where I spontaneously tell jokes at random times I think it's a gag reflex.

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Condition One Liners

Which condition one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with condition? I can suggest the ones about cont and constitution.

  1. Why is Pavlov's hair so soft? Classic conditioning.
  2. Strippers don't have air conditioning in their homes. ............Onlyfans
  3. Chuck Norris was shot today The bullet is in critical condition
  4. Why do Adam and Eve use Android? Because Eve violated the apple terms and conditions.
  5. Adam & Eve The first people to not read the Apple terms and conditions.
  6. When Chuck Norris updates Windows ...Microsoft accepts his terms and conditions
  7. I get ignored so much. My name should be Terms and Conditions.
  8. What is the biggest lie in the Universe I have read and accepted the terms and conditions
  9. Why was Pavlov's hair so soft? Because he conditioned it
  10. [OC] Why did Pavlov ring a bell every time a breeze entered his room? Air Conditioning
  11. I know a guy who collects candy canes... ...they are all in mint condition.
  12. What is the one thing that everyone can agree on? Terms and Conditions
  13. Why is Pavlov's hair so shiny? He conditions it.
  14. Why did the winter solstice visit the gym? It wanted to stay in "peak" condition.
  15. The guy who fell off the ferris wheel is at the hospital.. He's in fair condition.

Medical Condition Jokes

Here is a list of funny medical condition jokes and even better medical condition puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I tried to apply for a medical exemption for the COVID vaccine. Apparently being a republican isn't an acceptable medical condition.
  • I have this unusual medical condition where I can't stop making silly airport puns. The doctor says it's terminal.
  • What medical condition are elderly bats most afraid of? Incontinence.
  • So this new little person turned up at my company today with his medical form explaining his condition. He'd joined with a short notice
  • I have a medical condition where I'm allergic to only one type of pasta It's called macaroni and sneeze
  • Please Help! I've got a medical condition where I can't discern between the letter "b" and the letters "th". Oops, wrong bread.
  • I'm not drunk! It's a medical condition I'm gravity intolerant.
  • As a child, I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil three times a day in order to survive. I was lucky my older brother told me about it, really.
  • At my university the only way to have a mini-fridge in my room is to have a medical condition... Apparently being an alcoholic doesn't qualify...
  • What is the most ridiculous medical condition? Radiculopathy

Rare Condition Jokes

Here is a list of funny rare condition jokes and even better rare condition puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I've been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes me think I'm an airport building. Hope it's not terminal.
  • I had a rare condition growing up where I had to eat dirt 3 times a day. Thankfully my brother told me, I could have died.
  • I was diagnosed with Tom Jones Syndrome yesterday. I asked the doctor if it was a rare condition.
    "It's not unusual".
  • When I was a child I had a rare condition that meant I had to eat dirt 3 times a day to be healthy Lucky my older brother told me about it really
  • My 4 siblings and I all have a rare condition which causes us to lack lower legs. The science community calls it A Ten Shin Deficit
  • There's no easy way to say this, but... you have a rare medical condition know as Irish Wristwatch Syndrome.
  • I've got a rare condition where I always get hungry around 11am... It's a recess-ive gene.
Condition joke, I've got a rare condition where I always get hungry around 11am...

Heart Condition Jokes

Here is a list of funny heart condition jokes and even better heart condition puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why don't neckbeards hit on people with heart conditions? Because people with heart conditions take beta-blockers.
  • After breaking up with my girlfriend, I got a device to monitor the condition of my heart. There was only one problem... It was broken.
  • What heart condition would an orange most likely have? Heart pulpitations
  • So a horse walks into a bar and has a heart attack... He gets rushed to the hospital and a friend comes to visit.
    "is he okay?" The friend asks.
    The doctor replies "He's in a stable condition."
  • What heart condition did the pirate have? ARRythmia

Syndrome Condition Jokes

Here is a list of funny syndrome condition jokes and even better syndrome condition puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What condition does a noodle have when it doesn't feel like it's good enough? Impasta syndrome!
  • I believe I have the Stockholm Syndrome condition Finally started liking my wife after 7 years.
  • What is the slow bunny's medical condition? It has watership down syndrome.
Condition joke, What is the slow bunny's medical condition?

Comedy Condition Jokes to Make Your Friends Giggle

What funny jokes about condition you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean property jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make condition pranks.

So I was shopping online for antique guns.....

and I got to the World War II section. I selected guns of French origin. They were all in mint condition.

A man goes to church to make a confession...

A man goes to church to make a confession to the priest.
"Look. I have a confession to make. During the war, a young, gorgeous woman came to my door looking for somewhere to stay hidden. And I accepted, on the condition that she would repay me every day with s**... favors."
The priest says, "Don't worry, young fellow. You have sinned. You were young and lustful, and God will forgive you."
"Good," the man said. "But I have another question. Do you think I should tell her the war's over?"

A man is in critical condition for swallowing 250,000 dollars in large bills.

No change is expected.

So I hear Lil Wayne is in critical condition. I think it has to do with his lungs...

He's always been a lil weezy.

FOR SALE BY OWNER

Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. excellent condition $1,000 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything.

Importance of Planning

Why planning is important?
One night four college students were playing till late night and could not study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.
In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tire of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.
So the Dean said they could have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked him and said they would be ready by that time.
On the third day they appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.
The test consisted of 2 questions with a total of 100 Marks.
See below for the question paper.
Q.1. Your Name…….. ………
(2 MARKS)
Q.2. Which tyre burst?
(98 MARKS)
a) Front left
b) Front right
c) Back left
d) Back right

A doctor tells his patient that unfortunately, his condition is terminal...

"Well, how long have I got doc?" asks the man.
"Ten", replies the doctor.
"Ten what?" Asks the patient, "Ten years? Ten Months? Tell me it's not ten weeks!"
"Nine..." Replies the doctor.

So this amputee hadn't told his fiance about his condition yet...

and he kept putting it off. Finally, on their wedding night, in bed with the lights out, he screws up his courage.
"Honey, I have a confession to make."
"What is it, dear?"
Instead of answering, he simply takes his brides hand and puts it on the stump of his leg.
"Well!" she exclaims, "This is a surprise! But I'll get the vaseline and see what I can do."

A guy sees a sign that says, "Volunteers needed for medical experiment. $500 fee!"

So he goes in and they tell him they need humans to mate with gorillas. The guy thinks about it for a second, then says, "I'll do it under three conditions:
1) No one can find out that I did this.
2) If there are any offspring, they should be treated humanely.
3) I'm gonna need some time to come up with the $500."

Coffee Joke [OC]

So the coffee asked the creamer, "Are you outraged by our working conditions too, or do you support management?"
The creamer replied, "I'm half and half."
^^^I'm ^^^Sorry.

my wife finally agreed to a t**..., on the condition that she picks the girl

i replied "nah, honey, i'm gonna pick both of them"

I like my health care like I like my h**... (oc)

Cheap, and accepting of all preexisting conditions...as far as I'm aware I just made this up, be gentle

Air conditioning?

Not a fan

The vaccine conspiracy

Linda had a heart attack and was brought to the emergency room while in clinical death. The doctors managed to revive her, but during her coma she saw a bright light and God appeared to her. She asked him:
"Tell me, God, is it true that vaccines could cause autism?"
"No, autism is a condition that develops during pregnancy"
After getting well, she met her friends and told them about her experience:
"Girls, I have awful news: the conspiracy goes way higher than we've thought"

I get ignored so much that people call me terms and conditions

What do you call it when Oxygen and Nitrogen train at the gym together?

Air conditioning

A European m**... goes to an African tribe...

... and asks the tribeleader if he may stay with them. The leader agrees on one condition: No white child can be born.
However, 9 months later, a woman is discovered with a white child.
The leader summons the missonary to explain himself. The m**... looks out the window and shows the leader a herd of sheep and says:
" As you can see, all the sheep are white, yet one of them is black... "
In complete distress, the tribeleader exclaims: " Allright, I won't say anything about your child, as long as you don't say anything about the sheep!"

Day 19, I have successfully conditioned my master to smile and write in his book every time I drool.- Pavlov's Dog

Air tragedy in Newfoundland...

A two-seater single engine Cessna 152 crashed in foggy conditions near the Gander airport, crashing into the nearby cemetery.
Newfie rescue squads have recovered 385 bodies so far, and that number is expected to climb as digging continues.

So my wife just hit me with a "mom joke".

She says, "oh look, there's whiteout conditions in Washington D.C. I bet Will Smith is gonna boycott"!

A zookeeper notices his prize gorilla was getting aggressive..

She wouldn't eat. She wouldn't sleep. And she constantly kept trying to attack the zookeeper. So, he did some research and found out female gorillas can become depressed and aggressive when deprived from s**....
The zookeeper then looked around for another male gorilla for her to engage in i**..., but unfortunately the zoo couldn't afford to import a male gorilla just for her to have s**....
Giving his funding situation, he goes up to the janitor and asks him "Hey, for $500, would you have s**... with this gorilla?"
The janitor thought about it for a minute, and then replied "Sure, on three conditions. First condition, I don't want to kiss her."
"Okay sure! I wouldn't expect you to!"
The janitor then stated "Second condition. I don't want anyone knowing about this ordeal."
"Sure, fine! Not a problem! What's your third condition?"
Janitor said "Give me at least 2 weeks to come up with the $500"

My girlfriend left me for telling too many bad jokes...

I guess her love was pun-conditional.

Monkey Business

A zookeeper notices the lonely female gorilla is feeling depressed and needs to cheer her up again. He asks the r**... janitor of the zoo if he'll have s**... with the gorilla for $500.
The r**... says that he'll do it under 2 conditions.
Ok, says the zookeeper, what are they?
I don't want anyone to ever find out.
Ok, done! What's your second condition?
The r**... says; "I'll need an extra week to come up with the five hundred dollars."

My father told me that I should condition more and shampoo less

I told him to stop getting in the shower with me

Last night I found out that my wife has conditional gender dysphoria.

She said that she needed to be Frank with me.

A man and his wife are playing Dungeons and Dragons together...

During the man's turn, he rolls his D20 and rolls a 1. Simultaneously, he stubs his toe against the table leg so hard that his toe essentially falls off. Blood everywhere. The wife has to rush them both to the ER.
She's waiting.
She's waiting...
The doctor emerges, and the wife rushes over. "How is my husband? What's his condition?"
The doctor replies: "Critical, miss."

"I'd like to prescribe you a topical ointment for that skin condition," my doctor said.

"Woah, woah, woah, doc," I replied. "Let's not make any rash decisions."

Dang girl are you a zero percent APR loan?

cuz I don't understand your terms and conditions and you keep saying you have no interest

I have a condition that makes me eat when I can't sleep

It's called insom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nia

When I was a little girl, I had a unique medical condition that required me to eat play-doh three times a day to survive.

I was very lucky that my older brother informed me about it and made sure I did it, or I might not be here today.

I have a condition where I feel the need to steal library books.

I should probably get that checked out.

Don't make fun of Kim Jong Un just because of his condition.

It's not his fault he suffers from projectile dysfunction.

My husband and I like to role play in bed...

He's Donald Trump and I am an American with a pre-existing condition.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall?

Art.
That same guy in your pool? Bob
Same guy in your hot tub? Stew
Sitting under your car that's missing a wheel? Jack
Same guy on your porch? Matt
Same guy getting hit with a baseball bat? Homer
Same guy lying in a pile of leaves? Russel
What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other? Eileen
Chinese girl with the same condition? Irene.

So I was in the emergency room

and while I was waiting for the doctor to come back I overheard a couple nurses at the nurses' station discussing another ER patient's case.
Apparently this dude had come in complaining of r**... pain. They took an X-Ray and found at least 8 toy horses in his colon. It sounded serious, but they described his condition as stable.

The Justice League has a vacancy and the number 7 is interviewing to fill a superhero position...

Batman: Thank you for coming, 7. Its been rough since the Flash took off and we're having a hard time finding someone to replace him. Let's get right to it. What is your first power?
Number 7: Well, for my whole life I've been in prime condition and I don't anticipate that changing anytime soon.
Bathman: That's great to hear. What do you consider your second power to be?
Number 7: 49

Dr: "Mr Smith, your wife is comfortable."

Husband: "I thought she was in a coma and critical condition."
Dr: "She is, the nurses are using her as a beanbag."

George and the Dragon

A poor vagabond, travelling a country road in England, tired and hungry, came to a roadside inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked.
The innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some food?" he asked.
The woman glanced at his shabby clothes and obviously poor condition.
"No!" she said rather sternly.
"Could I have a pint of ale?"
"No!" she snapped again.
"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"
"No!"
By this time, she was fairly shouting.
The vagabond tried again: "Might I please...?"
"What now?" the woman interrupted impatiently.

"Do you suppose I might have a word with George instead?"

I prefer "badass" to "hemorrhoids"

when I describe my condition

In one Intensive care unit

people always died on the same bed at 11 am on a Sunday morning, regardless of their condition. This puzzled medical staff, so a group of doctors decided to observe the bed in secret and waited for the fateful hour. Some held crosses and prayer books to ward off evil influences, while the less superstitious had video cameras to catch the whole thing on tape. At the 11th hour, the door to the ward slowly opened, then a cleaner came in, disconnected the life support machine and plugged in a vacuum cleaner.

I was at my divorce settlement yesterday, when I announced I would like to make a suggestion...

They agreed, so I told them, "She can have the car, the house, all the funds in our joint account and full custody of our children on one condition... I get to keep whatever I have in my pocket."
"It's a deal!" my wife said, with a smug look on her face.
"You obviously didn't check the lottery numbers last night, did you?"

I saw a TV for sale for 1$

I saw that the TV was in very good condition.
"Why is it so cheap? " I asked the seller
"The volume is stuck at max, and it can't be turned down" he replied
"So everything else works?" I asked
He turned it on, and sure enough everything worked, except the volume
"So you're gonna buy it?"
"A TV for $1? Can't turn it down"

As a child I had a severe condition where I had to drink my own u**... else I would die

Lucky my brother told me about it before it was too late.

For sale: French Rifle

Condition: never fired, dropped once.

There was this haunted ICU in a hospital... People always died at 3pm on a Sunday afternoon, regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled medical staff, so a group of doctors decided to keep a watch on the bed in secret and waited for the fateful hour.
At 3pm, the door to the ward slowly opened, then a cleaner came in, disconnected the life support machine and plugged in a vacuum cleaner.

A dyslexic friend of mine thought it might help his condition if he joined a poetry club.

He hasn't come out with any poems yet, but he's made some pretty nice j**... and vases and stuff.

My uncle was kicked by a horse the other day

He's in stable condition.

Did you know there is a condition that causes ones hair to be soft and healthy

The condition is called "er," but most people call it conditioner

Bill Gates has agreed to fund Trump's border wall...

On the one condition that they install Windows.

"You have a very rare and extremely contagious condition"

the doctor told his patient.
"We're going to have to put you in an isolation unit where you'll be on a diet of pancakes and pizza."
"Will the pancakes and pizza cure my condition?" asked the patient.
"No," replied the doctor.
"They're the only things we can slip under the door."

How does Pavlov keep his hair so soft?

He conditions it.

How did Pavlov make his hair so soft?

He conditioned it

So on a flight, there is a woman who is sneezing.

Now see, this woman is sneezing very vigorously. Eventually, a man leans over and asks 'what's wrong?'
The woman replies, 'I have a very rare condition wherein every time I sneeze I o**....'
The man replies, 'oh why that sounds terrible! What medication are you taking for it?'
The woman smiles and replies, 'pepper'.

Adam and Eve.

First people in history to not read the Apple terms and conditions.

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant.

First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry.
So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest."Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

WANTED: Large amount of rats, mice and bed bugs

… as my current rental agreement requires me to leave the apartment in the condition it was when I moved in.

When I was younger, I had a horrible condition that meant I had to eat soil three times a day.

I'm lucky my older brother told me about it, really.

The first 5G cell phone mast in town is put up

Suddenly, all sorts of people develop medical conditions. A citizens' initiative against the mast is formed. A public hearing is organized with the mayor and representatives of the telecom company. The people bring forward all the ailments they suffer from since the mast was erected.
The telecom technician replies: "For God's sake, what will be going on when we then put the mast into operation?"

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she should have a few days to live!"
"Well, I don't know how she was yesterday" - he replied - "But today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst"

AC Bill

My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high the air conditioning bill is.
I told him, "My door is always open."

An elephant is standing on a street corner with an e**....

His thing is HUGE, hangs all the way to the ground.
At that moment a mother is taking her son to school and the son looks at the elephant and says "Mommy what is that?"
Mom: "Oh that's the trunk honey"
Kid: "No mom, further back between the legs"
Mom: "Oh that? That's nothing...." and awkwardly changes the subject.
The next day, same elephant in the same condition is on the corner only this time the dad is taking the kid to school.
Kid: "Hey dad, what is that? It's not the the trunk and it's not the legs, it's in between the legs. Mommy says that's nothing."
The dad thinks for a second and then laughs, "Yeah well, mommy is spoiled."

I told my girlfriend last week to get her air conditioning fixed and to stop walking around the house n**... for all the neighbors to see. I came over today and nothing has changed

Except now she's got only fans

I had to scold my employee for leaving the air conditioning on for the night

We had a very heated argument.

Day 19 of the experiment...

"Day 19 of the experiment, I have successfully conditioned my master to give me food,smile,and write in his book every time I drool." - Pavlov's Dog

Condition joke, Day 19 of the experiment...

jokes about condition