Condition Jokes

Following is our collection of recovery puns and state one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Condition jokes for adults, dirty medication jokes and clean patient dad gags for kids.

The Best Condition Puns

Breaking News: Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall

On the condition he gets to install windows.


A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she should have a few days to live!"
"Well, I don't know how she was yesterday" - he replied - "But today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst"

I have two conditions in my will...

1) I want my remains spread around Disney World

2) I do not want to be cremated

I saw a TV for sale for 1$

I saw that the TV was in very good condition.

"Why is it so cheap? " I asked the seller

"The volume is stuck at max, and it can't be turned down" he replied

"So everything else works?" I asked

He turned it on, and sure enough everything worked, except the volume


"So you're gonna buy it?"

"A TV for $1? Can't turn it down"

my wife finally agreed to a threesome, on the condition that she picks the girl

i replied "nah, honey, i'm gonna pick both of them"


Chuck Norris was shot today

The bullet is in critical condition

A friend of mine has been rushed to hospital, after eating a horse-burger.

Apparently he is now in a stable condition.

I have a condition where I spontaneously tell jokes at random times

I think it's a gag reflex.

Dr: "Mr Smith, your wife is comfortable."

Husband: "I thought she was in a coma and critical condition."

Dr: "She is, the nurses are using her as a beanbag."

As a child I had a severe condition where I had to drink my own urine else I would die

Lucky my brother told me about it before it was too late.

A dyslexic friend of mine thought it might help his condition if he joined a poetry club.

He hasn't come out with any poems yet, but he's made some pretty nice jugs and vases and stuff.


My husband and I like to role play in bed...

He's Donald Trump and I am an American with a pre-existing condition.

I have a condition where I feel the need to steal library books.

I should probably get that checked out.

Don't make fun of Kim Jong Un just because of his condition.

It's not his fault he suffers from projectile dysfunction.

Monkey Business

A zookeeper notices the lonely female gorilla is feeling depressed and needs to cheer her up again. He asks the redneck janitor of the zoo if he'll have sex with the gorilla for $500.
The redneck says that he'll do it under 2 conditions.
Ok, says the zookeeper, what are they?
I don't want anyone to ever find out.
Ok, done! What's your second condition?
The redneck says; "I'll need an extra week to come up with the five hundred dollars."

An elephant is standing on a street corner with an erection.

His thing is HUGE, hangs all the way to the ground.

At that moment a mother is taking her son to school and the son looks at the elephant and says "Mommy what is that?"

Mom: "Oh that's the trunk honey"
Kid: "No mom, further back between the legs"
Mom: "Oh that? That's nothing...." and awkwardly changes the subject.

The next day, same elephant in the same condition is on the corner only this time the dad is taking the kid to school.

Kid: "Hey dad, what is that? It's not the the trunk and it's not the legs, it's in between the legs. Mommy says that's nothing."

The dad thinks for a second and then laughs, "Yeah well, mommy is spoiled."

"You have a very rare and extremely contagious condition"

the doctor told his patient.

"We're going to have to put you in an isolation unit where you'll be on a diet of pancakes and pizza."

"Will the pancakes and pizza cure my condition?" asked the patient.

"No," replied the doctor.

"They're the only things we can slip under the door."

I know a guy who collects candy canes...

...they are all in mint condition.

The Justice League has a vacancy and the number 7 is interviewing to fill a superhero position...

Batman: Thank you for coming, 7. Its been rough since the Flash took off and we're having a hard time finding someone to replace him. Let's get right to it. What is your first power?


Number 7: Well, for my whole life I've been in prime condition and I don't anticipate that changing anytime soon.


Bathman: That's great to hear. What do you consider your second power to be?


Number 7: 49


My father told me that I should condition more and shampoo less

I told him to stop getting in the shower with me

A European missionary goes to an African tribe...

... and asks the tribeleader if he may stay with them. The leader agrees on one condition: No white child can be born.

However, 9 months later, a woman is discovered with a white child.
The leader summons the missonary to explain himself. The missionary looks out the window and shows the leader a herd of sheep and says:
" As you can see, all the sheep are white, yet one of them is black... "

In complete distress, the tribeleader exclaims: " Allright, I won't say anything about your child, as long as you don't say anything about the sheep!"

The vaccine conspiracy

Linda had a heart attack and was brought to the emergency room while in clinical death. The doctors managed to revive her, but during her coma she saw a bright light and God appeared to her. She asked him:

"Tell me, God, is it true that vaccines could cause autism?"

"No, autism is a condition that develops during pregnancy"

After getting well, she met her friends and told them about her experience:

"Girls, I have awful news: the conspiracy goes way higher than we've thought"

In one Intensive care unit

people always died on the same bed at 11 am on a Sunday morning, regardless of their condition. This puzzled medical staff, so a group of doctors decided to observe the bed in secret and waited for the fateful hour. Some held crosses and prayer books to ward off evil influences, while the less superstitious had video cameras to catch the whole thing on tape. At the 11th hour, the door to the ward slowly opened, then a cleaner came in, disconnected the life support machine and plugged in a vacuum cleaner.

So this amputee hadn't told his fiance about his condition yet...

and he kept putting it off. Finally, on their wedding night, in bed with the lights out, he screws up his courage.
"Honey, I have a confession to make."
"What is it, dear?"
Instead of answering, he simply takes his brides hand and puts it on the stump of his leg.
"Well!" she exclaims, "This is a surprise! But I'll get the vaseline and see what I can do."

The guy who fell off the ferris wheel is at the hospital..

He's in fair condition.

A man goes to church to make a confession...

A man goes to church to make a confession to the priest.

"Look. I have a confession to make. During the war, a young, gorgeous woman came to my door looking for somewhere to stay hidden. And I accepted, on the condition that she would repay me every day with sexual favors."

The priest says, "Don't worry, young fellow. You have sinned. You were young and lustful, and God will forgive you."

"Good," the man said. "But I have another question. Do you think I should tell her the war's over?"

For sale: French Rifle

Condition: never fired, dropped once.

"Mildred, are you putting on weight?"

Lady of the House, "Mildred, are you putting on weight?"
Maid, "Well, to tell you the truth Madam, I am pregnant." Lady, "OH DEAR! How ever did you get your self in such condition?"
Maid, "Well Madam it started when I ordered a vibrator through the mail."
Lady, "Goodness! You didn't use that dreadful thing did you?"
Maid, "No Madam, the mail man talked me out of it."

A doctor tells his patient that unfortunately, his condition is terminal...

"Well, how long have I got doc?" asks the man.
"Ten", replies the doctor.
"Ten what?" Asks the patient, "Ten years? Ten Months? Tell me it's not ten weeks!"
"Nine..." Replies the doctor.

A man is in critical condition for swallowing 250,000 dollars in large bills.

No change is expected.

So I hear Lil Wayne is in critical condition. I think it has to do with his lungs...

He's always been a lil weezy.

I've been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes me think I'm an airport building.

Hope it's not terminal.

So on a flight, there is a woman who is sneezing.

Now see, this woman is sneezing very vigorously. Eventually, a man leans over and asks 'what's wrong?'
The woman replies, 'I have a very rare condition wherein every time I sneeze I orgasm.'
The man replies, 'oh why that sounds terrible! What medication are you taking for it?'
The woman smiles and replies, 'pepper'.

When I was younger, I had a horrible condition that meant I had to eat soil three times a day.

I'm lucky my older brother told me about it, really.

A man and his wife are playing Dungeons and Dragons together...

During the man's turn, he rolls his D20 and rolls a 1. Simultaneously, he stubs his toe against the table leg so hard that his toe essentially falls off. Blood everywhere. The wife has to rush them both to the ER.

She's waiting.

She's waiting...

The doctor emerges, and the wife rushes over. "How is my husband? What's his condition?"

The doctor replies: "Critical, miss."

Did you know there is a condition that causes ones hair to be soft and healthy

The condition is called "er," but most people call it conditioner

What can you always assume when buying a used BMW?

The turn signal will always be in brand-new condition.

Bill Gates has agreed to fund Trump's border wall...

On the one condition that they install Windows.

I was at my divorce settlement yesterday, when I announced I would like to make a suggestion...

They agreed, so I told them, "She can have the car, the house, all the funds in our joint account and full custody of our children on one condition... I get to keep whatever I have in my pocket."

"It's a deal!" my wife said, with a smug look on her face.

"You obviously didn't check the lottery numbers last night, did you?"

WANTED: Large amount of rats, mice and bed bugs

… as my current rental agreement requires me to leave the apartment in the condition it was when I moved in.

When I was a little girl, I had a unique medical condition that required me to eat play-doh three times a day to survive.

I was very lucky that my older brother informed me about it and made sure I did it, or I might not be here today.

My uncle was kicked by a horse the other day

He's in stable condition.

FOR SALE BY OWNER

Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition $1,000 or best offer.


No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything.

There was this haunted ICU in a hospital... People always died at 3pm on a Sunday afternoon, regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled medical staff, so a group of doctors decided to keep a watch on the bed in secret and waited for the fateful hour.
At 3pm, the door to the ward slowly opened, then a cleaner came in, disconnected the life support machine and plugged in a vacuum cleaner.

So I was shopping online for antique guns.....

and I got to the World War II section. I selected guns of French origin. They were all in mint condition.

I have a condition that makes me eat when I can't sleep

It's called insom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nia

I prefer "badass" to "hemorrhoids"

when I describe my condition

Went to an eye specialist because I couldn't read fluently

The doctor told me "Son, I have bad news for you and for what I see, you will have to deal with this condition since we don't have a cure for it" and proceded to hand me a paper with my results. I was extremely happy with it!

How can it be bad news having daylisex for life?

I had a rare condition growing up where I had to eat dirt 3 times a day.

Thankfully my brother told me, I could have died.

"I'd like to prescribe you a topical ointment for that skin condition," my doctor said.

"Woah, woah, woah, doc," I replied. "Let's not make any rash decisions."

Wife is in hospital with unknown condition

So she asks her husband to go to her doctor and find out how bad is it.

'Well, her condition is very strange. Basically, you'll have to have sex with her at least once a day or she will die' doctor sais.

Husband nods and goes back to his wife.

'Honey, what did the doctor say? ' wife is anxious to find out.

'He said you're going to die soon'...

So I was in the emergency room

and while I was waiting for the doctor to come back I overheard a couple nurses at the nurses' station discussing another ER patient's case.

Apparently this dude had come in complaining of rectal pain. They took an X-Ray and found at least 8 toy horses in his colon. It sounded serious, but they described his condition as stable.

Earlier today, a man was admitted to hospital due to 8 plastic horses found in his stomach

His condition is now stable.

My wife has a sinus condition that suppresses her ability to detect odors

But she gets offended when I tell people that she doesn't smell good.

Post Your Chuck Norris Jokes Here

Chuck Norris got shot. We are now in the hospital, where the bullet is in critical condition.

I have a french gun for sale from WW1. In excellent condition.

Never been used and only dropped once.

Doctor: your son is in a stable condition...

doctor: it's so stable, it will never fluctuate again.

My dad found an Altoid tin in his attic and told me it was worth over $400.

He said it was worth so much because it was in mint condition.

Did you hear about the guy who was hospitalised for swallowing a horse?

Doctors have described his condition as stable.

A kleptomaniac goes to see her doctor.

She says, "Doctor, my condition has worsened. Is there anything I can take?"

I'm selling my parachute. Mint condition.

Never opened, only used once

Prof.X died the other day whilst hooked up to his mind machine.

As a consequence, everyone on earth was frozen in time.

It's a terrible condition... Cerebro Pausey

A weird man with a weird condition

The man was never very good at anything.
He had no talents apart from his ability to notice things when he was drunk.
He decided to become a detective.
On his first day he came across a dead body , but he could not make head or tail of the situation.
So he proceeded to ask his colleague , Here's the dead body. Where's tequila ?

Paddy took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow

"Ooh!" said thew presenter, "This is a rare breed, do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

"Sticks." replied Paddy.

The doctor told me that my friend is in stable condition.

The room is filthy and there's horseshit everywhere.

I couldn't figure out which lotion to use for my skin condition. I tried asking my doctor...

He just said "I don't wanna make any rash decisions ."

How do you get your hair into shape?

You condition it

The doctor said that I have a condition

Called the Freudian slip.

It's when I say one thing and do your mother.

A man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"

The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?"

"Two years," says the man.

"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the doctor.

The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs."

Madonna is talking with the Spice Girls

Says she wants to sponsor a reunion tour so long as she can join them. The girls agree to condition. They call her Old Spice.

It's a little known fact that Genghis Khan had a brother.

Unfortunately his brother had a terrible skin condition and was banished from his people. Eventually he ended up in Ireland where he was known as Leper Kahn.

A woman suffering a very dangerous cancer,

a woman suffering a very dangerous cancer, kept telling everybody she knows that she got HIV/AIDS, when her husband asked her why she's lying about her condition, she told him "So no woman will marry you after I die"

My friend has this strange condition that makes him sneeze whenever someone greets him.

He reckons it's Heyfever.

A doctor walks into his patient's room

And says I have good news and bad news for you.

Patient: Well let's start with the bad news

Doctor: I am sorry to tell you this but your condition is so bad I am going to have to amputate both of your feet.

Patient: What? How can there be any good news?

Doctor: Well the patient next to you wants to buy your slippers.

The Democrats agreed to sign over $6 Billion for the construction of the border wall, on one condition... that Trump stay on the other side.

Trump agreed.



...but Mexicans refused.

A man was admitted to the hospital with eight plastic horses in his stomach

His condition is now stable

A man was enjoying his burger when someone broke the news to him that it was made out of 'Horse Meat'. Suddenly he went into a fit and started choking. Two hours upon rushing him to the hospital........

.......His condition is now known to be 'Stable'

Medication

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed To me has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

I have an unopened pack of gum from 1993

You could even say it's in...

..mint condition

Did you hear about the guy who went to the ER with 15 little toy ponies stuck up in his rear end?

Doctors say his condition is stable.

I found some leftover candy canes from last year that were still in their packaging.

They were in mint condition.

You can reach 80 years

Doctor: Your health seems to be in such a condition that I believe you can reach 80 years.

*But doctor, I am already 80!*

You see - I told you to quit smoking.

I have a condition; Whenever I look at books of any kind...

I want to touch my shelf...

Lively Old Lady

A doctor made a house call on an elderly lady, back when they made house calls. She was spritely and healthy, and the doctor remarked on her good condition.
"Have you ever been bedridden?" he asked.
"Oh my, yes" she said. "Many times, and twice in a buggy"

dwights farm as suffered a massive blight, almost bankrupt he was signed for a massive record deal on the condition he give up farming

turns out all he had to do was drop those sick beets

A man goes to see a new therapist...

A therapist has a new patient and has no idea what his condition or problem is. The patient finally walks in but he is completely dressed in saran wrap. The doctor begins to greet the odd new patient but is interrupted, "Skip the niceties Doc. What is wrong with me?" The doctor took a minute and responded, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."

I found the meaning of life!

noun

the condition that distinguishes animals and plants from inorganic matter, including the capacity for growth, reproduction, functional activity, and continual change preceding death.

I'm selling Amazon gift codes on eBay.

If anyone's interested, they are in a mint condition and only used once.

Three chinese men applied for citizenship in USA

They were accepted on the condition that they changed their names.

Bu became Buck.
Chu became Chuck.
And Fu went back to China.

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Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes