Cond Jokes

Following is our collection of aut puns and smoke one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Cond jokes for adults, dirty older jokes and clean sed dad gags for kids.

The Best Cond Puns

I have two conditions in my will...

1) I want my remains spread around Disney World

2) I do not want to be cremated

The condom was first invented by a Welshman by using a sheep's intestine

The English later improved it by removing the intestine from the sheep first

Two condoms are walking down the street...

They pass a gay bar and one condom says to the other "hey, do you wanna get shit-faced?"


1272AD - Arab Muslims invent the first condoms using the lower intestine of goats.

1856AD - English farmers improve on the idea by first removing the intestine from the goat.

We conducted an online survey....

...and found that out of the world's population, 0% of people are Amish.

Did you know condoms have serial numbers?

Oh, I guess you've never rolled one down far enough.

Two condoms walk past a gay bar

One asks the other, Hey, wanna go inside and get shit-faced?

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was stabbed by the woman's husband

Condom expiration dates are a little misleading

because I get sick no matter when I eat them.

I have a condition where I spontaneously tell jokes at random times

I think it's a gag reflex.

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex any more.

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

So two condoms walk into a bar..

.. They quickly realize that it is a gay bar. One condom turns to the other and says, "Dude. We are gonna get shitfaced tonight!"

Use condoms: because if she'd sleep with you, she'd sleep with anyone.

What did the conductor do when half of the cello section called in sick a week before a major concert?

He was forced to resort to excessive violins.

Condoms were invented by Arabic-Muslims sometime in the 1400s using lower goat intestine

They were later improved by the British in 1873 by taking the intestine out of the goat first

I have a condition where I feel the need to steal library books.

I should probably get that checked out.

Two condoms walked up to a gay bar

One said to the other, "Wanna get shitfaced?"

Did you know the first condoms were invented by the Welsh out of sheep's intestines?

The English improved on the invention by taking the intestines out of the sheep before using them.

Two condoms walk into a gay bar...

One looks to the other and says, "Welp, looks like we're getting shit-faced"

Two condoms are walking down a street one night

Two condoms are waking down a street one night when they pass a gay bar. One turns to the other and says Hey, wanna get shit-faced?

Condom origins

Did you know the condom was invented in a small village in wales in the 12th century. They thought it would be a good idea to use the lower intestine of a sheep to stop their wives becoming pregnant.

Of course, in the 1350's, the English improved on the idea. They took the lower intestine out of the sheep before they used it.

Two condoms drive by a gay bar...

One turns to the other and says "let's get shit-faced!"


An old man finds a condom in his grandson's apartment and asks what it is.

"It's a condom," replies the grandson, sheepishly.

"What do you use it for?" asks Grandpa.

The grandson is embarrassed, so he says, "I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain."

Grandpa says, "That's a great idea." He goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist for a condom.

"What size would you like?" asks the pharmacist.

"Big enough to fit a Camel."

Two condoms are walking past a gay bar..

One says to the other, "Want to get shitfaced?"

Did you know condoms have a serial number at the very bottom of the ring?

I guess you never had to roll it down that far.

What do condoms and coffins have in common?

They both hold stiffs

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore....

My friend was wearing one and got shot by the woman's husband.

What do condoms and turn signals have in common?

If people used them, there would be less accidents

Did you know there is a condition that causes ones hair to be soft and healthy

The condition is called "er," but most people call it conditioner

Did you know that each condom has a serial number printed on it?

I guess you have never had to roll it back that far.

Two condoms walk into a gay bar

Two condoms walk into a gay bar. One condom says to the other "hey man, let's get shitfaced."

What do condoms and taxes have in common?

Republicans are against them and democrats want more for schools.

I don't think condoms are 100% safe

My friend was wearing one and he got hit by a bus!

Condoms are available in three sizes:

Small, medium, and liar.

What did one condom say to the other at
a gay bar?

Let's get shitfaced!

I have a condition that makes me eat when I can't sleep

It's called insom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nia

Two condoms are walking down the street, and stop in front of a gay bar... condom turns to the other and asks, wanna get shitfaced?

Two condoms walk past a gay bar....

.... one turns to the other and says, "why dont we go in and get shitfaced?"

How are condoms like cameras?

They capture your special moments.

I've been trying to be less condescending

You *do* know what that means right?

A condom store should be called...

Dicks Sporting Hoods.

Why are condoms and bungee-jumping similar?

You're screwed if the rubber breaks.


A man walks into a shop to buy some condoms. The cashier asks 'would you like a bag with that?' To which the man replies 'No thanks, she's not that ugly'.

Do you know that condoms have serial numbers on them?

No? I guess you haven't rolled them down all the way.

Two condoms walk past a gay-bar.

One of them says to the other, Hey, whaddya say we go in there & get shit-faced?

A conductor asked me if I could help him drive a train...

I said, "yeah of course, how hard could it be?" Then I saw how complicated the control panel was. It was then that I realized that I may have bitten off more than I could choo.

What did the condemned prisoner say when he was informed that the hangman forgot the rope?

No noose is good noose.

I just got condoms installed on my floor today

it protects the hardwood.


are really counterproductive.

I don't use condoms.

They irritate my sores.


Many years ago

Just before leaving to meet my first real girlfriend,
My Dad pulled me into his bedroom,
He opened his bedside drawer and handed me a condom.
With a wink he said, 'Take care, Son, I'm proud of you'

To this day I'm not sure what was worse:

My Dad's knowledge and pride in what I was about to do,
Having used a condom that was intended for my Mother.

What do a condom and a fighter jet have in common?

A cockpit.

"Condoms, please."

"Condoms, please."

"Do you need a bag for that?"

"No, she's not that ugly."

I have a condition; Whenever I look at books of any kind...

I want to touch my shelf...


A man was sitting in a pub when all of a sudden the most beautiful woman ever walked up to the bar and sat down next to him. The man immediately asked her what the conditions would be to make her his wife. 'Three things' she said 'First you would need a huge house with a swimming pool, second an expensive car and third a 9 inch dick'.
'Oh' the man replied 'The house wouldn't be a problem, nor would the car be, but I'm not taking three inches off my dick!'

A condom isn't completely safe.

A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.

So two condoms walk into a bar...

One looks at the other and says "did you know this is a gay bar?"

"Well yeah" said the first condom, "I plan on getting shitfaced tonight."

I didn't have a condom last night, so I used a sock...

She wouldn't stop complaining about cotton mouth.

Condoms cannot be considered safe

A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a car.

A condom is like a plunger

You never know when you will need it but it's great to have just in case.

Condescending people are the worst!!!!

it means they talk down to others

Why should you always use a condom when having sex with fruit?


Two condoms walk past a gay bar...

one turns to the other and says "Hey, do you wanna get.....

(sorry if you saw this already)

I have a condition where I always leave off the last word in a-

It's usually okay, but it usually makes everything a cliff-

Two condoms are walking down the street and stop outside of a gay bar.

The first condom turns to the second and says, Do you want to go in and get sh*t-faced?


A midget convict was escaping out of a window, and as he lowered himself down I was walking past, and we made eye contact and he sneered at me and I thought "that's a little condescending". (Say it out loud)

Condoms are like injured bones...

If they are broken you are screwed.

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex

I've been wearing one for months and still haven't gotten any sex

What condom packs do rednecks buy?


Condom holes

I'm starting to suspect my blonde girlfriend wants to become pregnant. She keeps poking holes in my condoms before we have sex. I just wish she would do it before I put it on.

99ยข condom

A young guy walks into a drugstore to buy a condom. He sees they are on sale for 99ยข each and luckily he has $1 on him. He gives the condom to the clerk.

Clerk: That'll be $1.04

Guy: I thought they were on sale for 99ยข. What's the extra 5ยข for?

Clerk: Tax

Guy: Tacks!? I thought you rolled them on!!

What condition did the environmentalist wake up with every day after a local forest fire?

Mourning Wood...

I go through condoms like a fat man goes through ice cream!

I probably shouldn't have bought the ice cream flavored ones.

Because of condoms, sex is the most expensive hobby ever

at like $1 for 10 seconds top

What is a condom with a hole?

Kinder Surprise

A conductor kissed a girl on the bus

He was arrested and the police gave him electric shocks but it had no effect.
Because he was a bad conductor.

Sorry guys.

What are condoms?

Something your worthless fuckup of a father couldn't afford.

There's this condition where twins are connected at the elbow and always laugh together, never separately.

It's called conjoined Humor

Is there a condition called "melanism" ... white people, the opposite of albinoism in black folks?

Because, if not, she's got some explaining to do.

Condoms were invented in Afghanistan

At first, they were just wrappers made of goat skin.

Then the Americans came along and improved them. By taking it out of the goat.

How many condoms come in a box?

All of them.

Condoms don't really guarantee full protection during sex.

A friend was wearing one and he got shot by the girl's boyfriend.

They say to use condoms if you don't want kids...

It totally works! Once you stretch it over their head, they suffocate it in a matter of minutes!

I'm not condescending!

Try and count how many times I've been condescending! Exactly; you can't cause you're a dumbass.

Condoms are like rules...

...they're made to be be broken.

A Conductor ...

What do you call a part time conductor ??


a *semiconductor*

I'm never condescending

That's when you talk down to people.

Condoms are not a 100% effective method of birth control

Or so my Dad told me

There is an abundance of minute jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 88 funniest jokes and cond puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any fancy witze you can hear about cond.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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