The Best 88 Cond Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Cond jokes. There are some cond smoke jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these cond sed puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Cond Jokes and Puns

I have two conditions in my will...

1) I want my remains spread around Disney World

2) I do not want to be cremated

A conductor kissed a girl on the bus

He was arrested and the police gave him electric shocks but it had no effect.
Because he was a bad conductor.

Sorry guys.

Two condoms are walking past a gay bar..

One says to the other, "Want to get shitfaced?"

Cond joke, Two condoms are walking past a gay bar..

So two condoms walk into a bar..

.. They quickly realize that it is a gay bar. One condom turns to the other and says, "Dude. We are gonna get shitfaced tonight!"

What did one condom say to the other at
a gay bar?

Let's get shitfaced!

Two condoms walked up to a gay bar

One said to the other, "Wanna get shitfaced?"

Two condoms drive by a gay bar...

One turns to the other and says "let's get shit-faced!"

Cond joke, Two condoms drive by a gay bar...

What do condoms and taxes have in common?

Republicans are against them and democrats want more for schools.


A man was sitting in a pub when all of a sudden the most beautiful woman ever walked up to the bar and sat down next to him. The man immediately asked her what the conditions would be to make her his wife. 'Three things' she said 'First you would need a huge house with a swimming pool, second an expensive car and third a 9 inch dick'.
'Oh' the man replied 'The house wouldn't be a problem, nor would the car be, but I'm not taking three inches off my dick!'


A man walks into a shop to buy some condoms. The cashier asks 'would you like a bag with that?' To which the man replies 'No thanks, she's not that ugly'.

Do you know that condoms have serial numbers on them?

No? I guess you haven't rolled them down all the way.

You can explore cond aut reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean cond older dad jokes. There are also cond puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

Two condoms walk into a gay bar

Two condoms walk into a gay bar. One condom says to the other "hey man, let's get shitfaced."


are really counterproductive.

I go through condoms like a fat man goes through ice cream!

I probably shouldn't have bought the ice cream flavored ones.

Use condoms: because if she'd sleep with you, she'd sleep with anyone.

Is there a condition called "melanism" ... white people, the opposite of albinoism in black folks?

Because, if not, she's got some explaining to do.

Cond joke, Is there a condition called "melanism" ...

What did the conductor do when half of the cello section called in sick a week before a major concert?

He was forced to resort to excessive violins.

I just got condoms installed on my floor today

it protects the hardwood.

I didn't have a condom last night, so I used a sock...

She wouldn't stop complaining about cotton mouth.

Two condoms are walking down the street...

They pass a gay bar and one condom says to the other "hey, do you wanna get shit-faced?"

What do a condom and a fighter jet have in common?

A cockpit.


An old man finds a condom in his grandson's apartment and asks what it is.

"It's a condom," replies the grandson, sheepishly.

"What do you use it for?" asks Grandpa.

The grandson is embarrassed, so he says, "I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain."

Grandpa says, "That's a great idea." He goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist for a condom.

"What size would you like?" asks the pharmacist.

"Big enough to fit a Camel."


1272AD - Arab Muslims invent the first condoms using the lower intestine of goats.

1856AD - English farmers improve on the idea by first removing the intestine from the goat.

Condom origins

Did you know the condom was invented in a small village in wales in the 12th century. They thought it would be a good idea to use the lower intestine of a sheep to stop their wives becoming pregnant.

Of course, in the 1350's, the English improved on the idea. They took the lower intestine out of the sheep before they used it.

Did you know condoms have serial numbers?

Oh, I guess you've never rolled one down far enough.

What do condoms and coffins have in common?

They both hold stiffs

Did you know that each condom has a serial number printed on it?

I guess you have never had to roll it back that far.

What is a condom with a hole?

Kinder Surprise

Two condoms walk past a gay bar...

one turns to the other and says "Hey, do you wanna get.....

(sorry if you saw this already)

Two condoms are walking down the street and stop outside of a gay bar.

The first condom turns to the second and says, Do you want to go in and get sh*t-faced?

A condom is like a plunger

You never know when you will need it but it's great to have just in case.

What are condoms?

Something your worthless fuckup of a father couldn't afford.

So two condoms walk into a bar...

One looks at the other and says "did you know this is a gay bar?"

"Well yeah" said the first condom, "I plan on getting shitfaced tonight."

I'm not condescending!

Try and count how many times I've been condescending! Exactly; you can't cause you're a dumbass.

A condom isn't completely safe.

A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.

Why are condoms and bungee-jumping similar?

You're screwed if the rubber breaks.

"Condoms, please."

"Condoms, please."

"Do you need a bag for that?"

"No, she's not that ugly."

Condoms were invented by Arabic-Muslims sometime in the 1400s using lower goat intestine

They were later improved by the British in 1873 by taking the intestine out of the goat first


A midget convict was escaping out of a window, and as he lowered himself down I was walking past, and we made eye contact and he sneered at me and I thought "that's a little condescending". (Say it out loud)

I have a condition where I spontaneously tell jokes at random times

I think it's a gag reflex.

How are condoms like cameras?

They capture your special moments.

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore....

My friend was wearing one and got shot by the woman's husband.

A conductor asked me if I could help him drive a train...

I said, "yeah of course, how hard could it be?" Then I saw how complicated the control panel was. It was then that I realized that I may have bitten off more than I could choo.

I don't use condoms.

They irritate my sores.

Did you know condoms have a serial number at the very bottom of the ring?

I guess you never had to roll it down that far.

I have a condition that makes me eat when I can't sleep

It's called insom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nia


Many years ago

Just before leaving to meet my first real girlfriend,
My Dad pulled me into his bedroom,
He opened his bedside drawer and handed me a condom.
With a wink he said, 'Take care, Son, I'm proud of you'

To this day I'm not sure what was worse:

My Dad's knowledge and pride in what I was about to do,
Having used a condom that was intended for my Mother.

I have a condition where I feel the need to steal library books.

I should probably get that checked out.

The condom was first invented by a Welshman by using a sheep's intestine

The English later improved it by removing the intestine from the sheep first

What condom packs do rednecks buy?


I've been trying to be less condescending

You *do* know what that means right?

They say to use condoms if you don't want kids...

It totally works! Once you stretch it over their head, they suffocate it in a matter of minutes!

I don't think condoms are 100% safe

My friend was wearing one and he got hit by a bus!

We conducted an online survey....

...and found that out of the world's population, 0% of people are Amish.

What condition did the environmentalist wake up with every day after a local forest fire?

Mourning Wood...

What did the condemned prisoner say when he was informed that the hangman forgot the rope?

No noose is good noose.

Because of condoms, sex is the most expensive hobby ever

at like $1 for 10 seconds top

Two condoms walk into a gay bar...

One looks to the other and says, "Welp, looks like we're getting shit-faced"

A condom store should be called...

Dicks Sporting Hoods.

Two condoms are walking down the street, and stop in front of a gay bar... condom turns to the other and asks, wanna get shitfaced?

Condoms are like injured bones...

If they are broken you are screwed.

How many condoms come in a box?

All of them.

I have a condition; Whenever I look at books of any kind...

I want to touch my shelf...

Two condoms walk past a gay bar

One asks the other, Hey, wanna go inside and get shit-faced?

Condoms are available in three sizes:

Small, medium, and liar.

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was stabbed by the woman's husband

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex

I've been wearing one for months and still haven't gotten any sex

Did you know the first condoms were invented by the Welsh out of sheep's intestines?

The English improved on the invention by taking the intestines out of the sheep before using them.

Two condoms walk past a gay-bar.

One of them says to the other, Hey, whaddya say we go in there & get shit-faced?

Did you know there is a condition that causes ones hair to be soft and healthy

The condition is called "er," but most people call it conditioner

Condoms were invented in Afghanistan

At first, they were just wrappers made of goat skin.

Then the Americans came along and improved them. By taking it out of the goat.

Two condoms are walking down a street one night

Two condoms are waking down a street one night when they pass a gay bar. One turns to the other and says Hey, wanna get shit-faced?

I have a condition where I always leave off the last word in a-

It's usually okay, but it usually makes everything a cliff-

What do condoms and turn signals have in common?

If people used them, there would be less accidents

99ยข condom

A young guy walks into a drugstore to buy a condom. He sees they are on sale for 99ยข each and luckily he has $1 on him. He gives the condom to the clerk.

Clerk: That'll be $1.04

Guy: I thought they were on sale for 99ยข. What's the extra 5ยข for?

Clerk: Tax

Guy: Tacks!? I thought you rolled them on!!

Condom expiration dates are a little misleading

because I get sick no matter when I eat them.

Two condoms walk past a gay bar....

.... one turns to the other and says, "why dont we go in and get shitfaced?"

Condom holes

I'm starting to suspect my blonde girlfriend wants to become pregnant. She keeps poking holes in my condoms before we have sex. I just wish she would do it before I put it on.

Condescending people are the worst!!!!

it means they talk down to others

Condoms cannot be considered safe

A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a car.

Why should you always use a condom when having sex with fruit?


There's this condition where twins are connected at the elbow and always laugh together, never separately.

It's called conjoined Humor

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex any more.

A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

A condom and a mask are sitting together on a park bench.

A condom and a mask are sitting together on a park bench. The condom looks at the mask, and says they won't wear you either, huh?

2 condoms are walking past a gay bar.

One of them says to the other "Let's go in there and get absolutely shit-faced!"

Please don't condemn me to hell for this one .....

What kind of tune does a programmer vibe to?


Did you know that the very first condoms were invented by the Welsh, using sheep intestines?

But it wasn't until the 19th century that the English perfected it by removing it from the sheep first

Condom expiration dates are so misleading

I get sick regardless of when I eat them.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the cond minute jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working cond fancy piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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