Conclude Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Recent studies show that 43% of women have used vibrators...

From this, we can conclude that the other 57% bought theirs new...

5 out of six researchers conclude,

Russian roulette is complete safe.

What did the astronauts conclude after they found bones on the moon?

The cow didn't make it.

Because Soviet jokes are on-trend...

The CIA, the FBI and the KGB are competing for the title of the Best Criminal Catcher. They're given a task by the General Secretariat of UN to catch a rabbit in the forest which he'd released. The CIA plants well-trained animal spies throughout the forest, and after 3 months of investigation they conclude the rabbit doesn't exist. The FBI burns down the forest along with the rabbit, and declare that it cannot be helped. When it's KGB's turn, they go into the forest and after 2 hours they come out with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "OK! OK! I give up! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

A man is in court for murder

So a man is in court and is suspected of murder. His defense lawyer is at the last legs of his argument. In one final attempt, he says to the court

"In ten seconds the man my client is suspected of murdering will walk into the courtroom completely unharmed".

The defense lawyer counts down from ten and everybody looks to the door. Nothing happens.

" Ah ha!" says the defense "you all looked to the door, therefor I conclude that their is reasonable doubt in this case and ask that my client be found not guilty."

The jury then deliberates. After twenty-five minutes they return the verdict of guilty. "But you all looked!" Says the lawyer. "Yes," says the Jury, "but your client didn't."

Two Norwegian scientists were operating on a frog....

They taught it to jump on command. When they said "Jump!" it leaped forwards.

They removed one rear leg and said "Jump!". The frog leaped forwards.

They removed the other rear leg and said "Jump!", but nothing seemed to happen.

After much discussion they could conclude that if you remove both rear legs from a frog, it becomes deaf.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip

In the middle of the night Holmes wakes up and gives Dr. Watson a nudge. "Watson," he says, "look up in the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions of stars, Holmes," says Watson.

"And what do you conclude from that, Watson?"

Watson thinks for a moment. "Well," he says, "astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meterologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I see that God is all-powerful, and we are small and insignificant. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

"Watson... someone has stolen our tent."

The NYPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.

The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The NYPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!'

As a chemist I can conclude that Freddie Mercury's voice is full of beryllium, gold and titanium

Because his voice is Be-Au-Ti-full

During the collapse of the Soviet Union...

... An elderly woman is surveyed by the government to conclude what the state of mind of the populous is.

**Survey man**: Where were you born?

**Woman**: St. Petersburg

**Survey man**: Where do you live now?

**Woman**: Leningrad

**Survey man**: If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?

**Woman**: St. Petersburg

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting

When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.
She replied, "6."

The judge said, "Then I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman's husband spoke and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

So a Biologist, Physicist, and Mathematician are asked to observe a phenomena.

A Biologist, Physicist, and Mathematician are asked to observe a phenomena. The sit down in front of a door, they inspect the room on the other side and conclude that there is no exit other than the entrance. They then watch as one person enters the room, and then later, two persons exit.

The Biologist, puzzled at first, concludes that the only rational conclusion is the person reproduced.

The Physicist, first assuming there was no error in observation, states that there must be some new physics inside the room.

The Mathematician in deep thought says, "I don't know, but if we have another person enter the room, it should be empty!"

An 80-year old man was arrested for shop lifting.

When he went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked him, "What did you steal?"
He replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked him why he had stolen the can of peaches, and he replied that he was hungry.
The judge then asked him how many peaches were in the can.
He replied, "6."
The judge said, "Then I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could conclude the trial, the man's wife spoke up and asked the judge if she could say something.
The judge said, "What is it?"
The wife said, "He also stole a can of peas."

I've concluded that bread is better than Jesus.

Bread only takes a few hours to rise.

Women are evil

And I can prove it

first, we know that any relationship with a woman requires time and money therefore...

Women = time * money

...and as we all know, "time is money":

Time = Money

...and therefore:

Women = Money * Money = (Money)^2

...and because "Money is the root of all evil":

Money = sqrt(evil)


Women = (sqrt[evil])^2

...and we are forced to conclude that:

Women = Evil

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson decide to go camping together

They set up their tent, go inside and fall asleep.

In the middle of the night, Sherlock wakes Watson up

"Watson, look up and tell me what you see"

Watson replies, "I see thousands and thousands of stars"

Sherlock then says, "And what can you conclude from that?"

Watson thinks for a moment and replies, "Well if there are a thousand stars, there could be stars with planets such as Earth, and therefore life on other---"

Sherlock then interrupts him, "No Watson, it means somebody stole our tent, you idiot."

And that concludes your French oral,

Just pop your pants back on and I'll see you on Monday.

What did the detective conclude at the end of the vending machine vandalism case?

It was out of Sprite.

Two scientists cut the legs off of a frog

They tell the frog to jump. The frog does not jump, to which they then conclude that if you cut off a frog's legs the frog becomes deaf.

What are the funniest conclude jokes of all time?

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