Comrades Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

My Favorite Stalin Joke

Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes. "Who sneezed?" Silence. "First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot, and he asks again, "Who sneezed, Comrades?" No answer. "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot too. "Well, who sneezed?" At last a sobbing cry resounds in the Congress Hall, "It was me! Me!" Stalin says,

"Bless you, Comrade!"

A Bulgarian spy is caught by the Russian KGB.

They ask him what were the procedures of the Bulgarian agency. They torture him for two weeks but he tells them nothing. On a spy exchange he returns home and his comrades ask him what happened. He said "You'd better start learning the procedures or they'll beat the shit out of you!"

A soldier is sitting in a ditch...

Out of nowhere one of his comrades jumps in with him aswell.
"You see that bombed hospital over there?"
"Yeah. What of it?"
"There is a nurse behind it and she is fucking everybody right now."
"Everybody?"
"Yeah man, you don't even have to ask. Just go and take her anyway you want."
"Will she give me a blowjob?"
"Maybe. You'll have to find the head first"

A couple is walking in communist Russia...

They feel a slight precipitation.

"Is it raining?" Said the husband.

"No, its snowing." Said the wife.

"How about we ask this communist officer here? For he is in the right always."

"Officer Rudolf, is it raining or snowing?"

"Definitely raining, comrades." Officer Rudolph says as he walks off.

The man turns to his wife with a smile. "See? Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."


My 11 year old cousin has been telling this joke to anybody with ears.

What is the difference between english and russian fairy tales?

English fairy tales start with "Once upon a time.."
Russian fairy tales start with soon comrades, soon..

Instead of "guys", use "comrades" in your talks at conferences.

It's a good way to get the audience. And maybe automatic recording.

I told my comrades that the commissar is an idiot. I got 31 years gulag...

1 year for insulting a political officer,

30 years for revealing a state secret

Ethnographic expedition lost in the Sub-Saharan Africa

An Ethnographic expedition lost in the Sub-Saharan Africa. The head of expedition, a prominent Russian scientist, Artem Pizdobolov, have bad news and good news to tell his comrades. First the bad news, he said. We run out of food and water. There left only camel's dung. Tell us a good news fellow travelers asked in desperation. The good new is that we have that camel dung in abundance.

New shoes in Soviet Russia

Comrades Evgeny and Aleksander are old-time friends. One day Evgeny meets Aleksander in the street and tells him excitedly that a new batch of shoes has become available to purchase as part of the current five-year plan, in Minsk! He knows Aleksander badly needs new shoes, his only pair are worn from two decades of use.

However Aleksander gets very angry -- "Zhenya, why are you telling me this? We live in Moscow, Minsk is more than 700 km away, it would take a whole day to drive there and we can't even afford the gas!"

"Ahah! Sasha, we don't have to drive there, the line starts just around the corner!"

French Jokes

What's the standard issue weapon in the French army? A white flag.

What's the only French martial art? Parkour, the art running away.

Like the entrance to Hogwarts, if you look at the French flag from exactly the right angle (like that of an invading army), it turns white.

An American, Russian, and French soldier see a German machine gunner. The Russian calls on his comrades to repeatedly suicide charge the German until he runs out of bullets. The American calls for a synchronized bombing strike using the full might the American military to obliterate the German (and all the nearby land). The Frenchman gets blown up by the American strike, because he already surrendered and was taken prisoner by the German.

For sale: A French rifle. Never fired, dropped once.

What's the difference between a French soldier and a brain-dead jugghead? The jugghead runs towards the battle.

Inspired by the American president. The French prime-minister ordered his secret service to carry around a locked briefcase that can only be unlocked by the prime-minister in case of an emergency war. Inside is said to be the controls to the national white-flag system.

What's the French military motto? Don't shoot, we surrender.

The Stalin joke

Stalin, the glorious leader, is giving a speech to his comrades.

Then, in the crowds of people, someone sneezes, interrupting his speech.

This pisses him off.

Who sneezed?! He yells into the terrified crowd

No one answers

So he orders the first row of people shot.

Then he asks again who sneezed?!

No answer, so he points to the second row, and is about to order them to get shot when someone yells.

I did it comrade Stalin! I sneezed

And Stalin turns, smiles, then says...

Bless you comrade.

A joke for my fellow comrades

An employee sees his boss getting off his Lamborghini at work. "Very nice car you have there.", says the employee. On that the boss replies: "A very nice one indeed and if you work very hard, always do your very best, make a lot of effort, and always work extra hours I will be able to afford another one."

Chinese soldiers attack a Soviet tractor.

^This ^joke ^originated ^during ^the ^1969 ^Sino-Soviet ^border ^conflict.

**Radio broadcaster:** *"Comrades! Yesterday, a platoon of the Chinese People's Liberation Army attacked an agricultural tractor without provocation."*

*"Fortunately, our tractor returned fire. It then managed to fly back to base for repairs."*

Will was killed during his first battle with the US army

His comrades got confused when their commander yelled: "Fire at Will!"

What are the funniest comrades jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Comrades? Well, here are the best Comrades puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Comrades pick up lines to share with friends.

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