Comrade Jokes
80 comrade jokes and hilarious comrade puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about comrade that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Comrade Short Jokes
Short comrade jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The comrade humour may include short communist jokes also.
- 50s Soviet joke Who is your mother?
Our great Soviet country.
Who is your father?
Our dear comrade Stalin.
What's your greatest desire?
Becoming an orphan. - What's the difference between a Jew and a Bullet? The Bullet leaves the chamber.
Courtesy of my comrade Ivo - What is the difference between english and russian fairy tales? English fairy tales start with "Once upon a time.."
Russian fairy tales start with soon comrades, soon.. - Comrade Stalin announced that the Soviet Union would be transitioning back to a Monarchy But he was just being Tsar-castic
- I told my comrades that the commissar is an idiot. I got 31 years gulag... 1 year for insulting a political officer,
30 years for revealing a state secret - "Comrade Stalin! A fortune-teller has come to visit you!" "Execute him. If he were a real fortune-teller, he wouldn't have come."
- Instead of "guys", use "comrades" in your talks at conferences. It's a good way to get the audience. And maybe automatic recording.
- Comrade Putin, is it true that you collect political jokes? Putin: "Yes"
Me: And how many have you collected so far?
Putin:
Three and a half prisons - Radio Yerevan was asked: "Was comrade Lenin a scientist or a politician?" Radio Yerevan answered: "Of course, a politician. If he were a scientist, he would've first tried his theories on dogs."
- Journalist asks: -Comrade Stalin, do you have any hobby?
-I collect jokes about me.
-And how many have you collected so far?
-About two and a half gulags.
Share These Comrade Jokes With Friends
Comrade One Liners
Which comrade one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with comrade? I can suggest the ones about fellow and companion.
- You see comrade, there is no I in team But there is a U in gulag.
- A double amputee walks into a Communist prosthetic's shop and says... Two arms, Comrade.
- Why was the comrade in a hurry? Because he was Russian
- Knock knock! Who's there?
KGB!
KGB who?
...*We* will be asking questions, comrade. - What do you call two comedians in love in the USSR? Rom-Comrades
- What did the Russian say when his comrade stole his pasta dish? Pero-geez!
- What does a Soviet skateboarder say? "That's comradical bro!"
- What do you call a comrade on his way to work? A commuter
- What do you call a cool communist? Comrad.
- What's a Russian's favorite gender neutral pronoun? Comrade
- What do you call a communist vampire? Comrade Vlad
- Why was the Russian man waiting? His comrade was Stalin.
- Called my girlfriend comrade because she keeps Russian to conclusions.
- How does a French soldier greet his comrades? Salut!
Hilarious Fun Comrade Jokes That Will Have You Rolling with Laughter
What funny jokes about comrade you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean brother jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make comrade pranks.
My Favorite Stalin Joke
Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes. "Who sneezed?" Silence. "First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot, and he asks again, "Who sneezed, Comrades?" No answer. "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot too. "Well, who sneezed?" At last a sobbing cry resounds in the Congress Hall, "It was me! Me!" Stalin says,
"Bless you, Comrade!"
Meet your newest employee. My salary shall be 5000 bucks.
(TKZS = a state-run c**... collective farm.)
A man walks in the TKZS' boss office and says: "Meet your newest employee. My salary shall be 5000 bucks."
The boss laughs straight at his face: "Comrade, the average salary here is 150 bucks. I don't make 500. Why would I pay you 5000?"
„Cuz I can talk to animals. Don't believe me? Let's walk around the farm.
They reach the cow, she says "Moo!" and boss asks cockily "What'd she say?"
„She said she gives 30 litres of milk daily. She also says you and the mayor split 10 litres between you and book only 20. The boss looks a bit worried now and says „Come with me, I wanna show you the pigsty. They get there, the sow says „Oink! and boss waits for our guy's answer.
„Piggy says she gave birth to 6 piglets, but you and the mayor got one each, and booked only 4.
TKZS boss sizes up our guy and then says „Welcome aboard, let's go sign the papers.
They make their way to the office building and while they pass the goat, the goat goes „Meeh!
Boss says „Don't listen to her. Me and the mayor were a bit drunk.
Communist Russia wins the space race
Teacher: Ivan, tell us, who was the first country to land people on the Moon?
Ivan: It was our mother Russia, Comrade!
Teacher: Very good, Ivan! And what did the first Russian cosmonauts find on the Moon?
Ivan: The American flag, Comrade!
Interruption of the speech of Comrade Stalin
Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes.
"Who sneezed?" (Silence.)
"First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Applause.)
"Who sneezed?" (Silence.) "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Long, loud applause.)
"Who sneezed?" (Silence.) ...
A dejected voice in the back: "It was me" (Sobs.)
Stalin leans forward: "Bless you, comrade!"
Thanks to allrussias for glorious joke!
North Korean joke
A: There is a new power plant in Hamheung-si.
B: No, I'm just coming back from there, but I didn't see a power plant.
A: And there is a new chemical factory in Kimjeongsuk-gun.
B: I was there a week ago but I didn't see any factory...
A: Comrade! Stop running around and read the newspaper once in a while.
Ol' Russian joke
Comrade Stalin approaches a farmer and asks :
"Comrade, how many potatoes have we grown this season?"
"Enough to reach God, comrade!" Replied the farmer.
"But there is no God" said Stalin
"Ah, said the farmer, as there are no potatoes."
An old russian joke I heard a long time ago
In the middle his night patrol, a police officer notices a guy walking around a wooden barrel. He steps out of his vehicle, approaches, and asks, "hey, comrade, are you drunk?"
The man responds: "No, God forbid, I am perfectly sober, comrade officer! Besides I am almost home, my house is right after this fence!"
A commissar goes to a collective farm...
... And hails a farmer to ask about how his village's farms are doing.
The farmer says "Oh Comrade Commissar, if we stacked all the potatoes in a pile, it would reach the foot of God!"
The commissar raises an eyebrow and says "Comrade farmer, we live in the USSR. There is no god."
The farmer replied: "That's okay, there are no potatoes either."
Husband and wife are arguing...
The husband thinks it's raining
His wife says, "No honey, that's snow"
So they ask Rudolph, their soviet friend what he thinks.
He says, "That is rain, comrade."
The husband says, "See! Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
A Russian man makes a remarkable discovery
"What poor people there are in America," a man tells his comrade, "Their cars don't have hoods, their phones don't have b**..., and their wine is old!"
A soviet soldier asks a man his opinion of the party.
The man nervously replies "the same as yours comrade"
The soldier then arrests him for sedition.
A Russian Couple
A Russian couple is walking in Moscow when the man feels a drop hit his nose. "It's raining," he says. "No," says his wife, "It's snowing." And they begin to argue. Finally, the man says, " Let's ask comrade Rudolph what the *official* weather is." They approach and they ask him. "It is officially raining." he says. The woman cries, "But it felt just like snow!" To which her husband says, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!
1945. Lenin's ghost comes to visit Stalin
Stalin tells the undead Lenin: "See, comrade Lenin, you doubted that the Soviet people will follow me, but in fact they do!"
To which Lenin replies: "Increase the food rations, or else the Soviet people will follow me".
Russian Nursery Rhyme
The incy wincy conrade
Was tugging at his chain
About rights of workers
He complain
The secret police
Am get order to restrain
And the incy wincy comrade was never seen again
How many Socialists does it take to change a light bulb?
None comrade, the bulb holds the seeds to its own revolution!
Stalin walks into a field
Farm worker: Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God!
Stalin: But God does not exist.
Farm worker: And neither do the potatoes.
Leonid Brezhnev, Soviet General Secretary, calls his head of the KGB, Yuri Andropov, into his office...
Brezhnev: "Comrade, how many Jews do we have in the Soviet Union?"
Andropov: "Approximately five million, Comrade."
Brezhnev: "And how many Jews do you think would leave if we allowed them to?"
Andropov: "Approximately 20 million, Comrade."
Soviet Breadline
At one of USSR's breadlines during the Perestroika, a man in the crowd is mumbling to himself. "No bread, no milk, no meat, what a shame".
Two policemen walking the beat hearing his mumbling walk up to him, and say:
"Comrade, if you said that 40 years ago you'd be shot, so just shut up and stand in line like everybody else"
As the policemen leave, the man turns back to the crowd and says:
"Not only we don't have bread or milk, but I was just told we ran out of bullets too."
Two Russians..
..discussed who was the greater man, Comrade Stalin or President Hoover.
Hoover taught the Americans not to drink, says one.
Yes, replies the other, but Stalin taught the Russians not to eat.
A farm worker greets Joseph Stalin at his potato farm
Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God, the farmer excitedly tells his leader.
But God does not exist, replies Stalin.
Exactly, says the farmer. Neither do the potatoes.
Soviet Joke
Soviet Union, 1980. Lecturer in village talks about communism. Question from audience.
- Yes, comrade, what's your question?
- Will there ever be true communism?
- Yes, it's just on the horizon
- What's a horizon?
- An imaginary line that keeps moving away from you as you get closer to it.
Old Soviet joke. A woman runs to catch a bus.
She just makes it in time. "Thank God!" She exclaims as she gets on.
The bus driver shakes his head disapprovingly. "You know you cannot give thanks to God," he says. "You must instead give thanks to Comrade Stalin."
"And what if Comrade Stalin dies?" Asks the woman. "What should I do then?"
"Well if Comrade Stalin dies, then you can give thanks to God."
Stalin is delivering a speech to the Party
Suddenly someone sneezes.
- Who's just sneezed?
No answer.
- Execute the first row. Who's sneezed, I ask you?
No answer.
- Execute the second row. So who of you has just sneezed?
Finally a shaking man raises and utters feebly:
- It's me, Comrade Stalin.
- Bless you! Now, back to the topic...
Woman stand in queue in Soviet Union for seven hours
When she go in - shop empty.
Woman: Oh - You have no fish?
Comrade shopkeeper: No, here is no meat. No fish - next door!
Stalin visits a farm
One day, Joseph Stalin visits an agricultural collective. And so....
Stalin: Comrade, how much wheat do you have?
Farmer: Comrade Stalin, we have enough wheat to reach God!
Stalin: Comrade, as a Marxist, you know that there is no God!
Farmer: Comrade Stalin, as a Marxist, you know that there is no wheat!
The date is January 31, 1990, and the Soviet Union has opened its first McDonalds...
A KGB agent walks up to the front and asks, One v**..., please.
The woman at the register looks and says, Comrade, this is a McDonalds. We don't serve v**....
The KGB agent looks surprised and says, Excuse me, comrade. One *McVodka*, please.
A Communist Party Bureaucrat drives down to a collective farm to register a potato harvest
"Comrade farmer, how has the harvest been this year?" the official asks.
"Oh, by the grace of God we have had mountains of potatoes", answers the farmer.
"But there is no God" counters the official.
"Huh", says the farmer, "And there are no mountains of potatoes either"
An old rabbi wants to leave the Soviet Union
So he goes to the emigration office. The clerk asks him why he wants to go.
Rabbi: There are two reasons. The first is that I'm afraid the Soviet Union will collapse someday. The people will then seek to blame someone for the crimes of Communism, and us Jews will become scapegoats once more.
Clerk: But this is nonsense, comrade. The Soviet Union can never fall.
Rabbi: Yeah, that would be the second reason.
A Jewish and Russian soldier come under heavy fire...
As both engage the enemy the Jewish soldier is struck with a bullet and mortally wounded.
The Russian soldier continues to return fire and hold back the enemy, eventually however his ammo is spent.
He looks to his Jewish comrade and says I cannot hold them back, I'm out of ammunition
The Jew, struggling to keep his eyes open motions the Russian over. Here he says you can buy some of mine .
At a may day parade, a very old Jew is carrying a placard which reads:
"Thank you, comrade Stalin, for my happy childhood!" A Party representative approaches the old man.
"What's that? Are you mocking our Party? Everyone can see that when you were a child, comrade Stalin hadn't yet been born!"
The old man replies, "That is precisely why I am grateful to him!"
In Soviet Russia, a frightened man goes to the KGB: "My talking parrot has gone missing!"
The KGB officer replies: "This is not something we handle. Go to the criminal police for your parrot."
"No, no, Comrade Major - I am here to tell you I disagree with everything it says!"
Joseph Stalin goes to visit one of the farming collectives outside Moscow
He wants to see their progress with the latest Five-Year Plan.
'Tell Me Comrade,' he asks one farmer. 'How did the potatoes do this year?'
'Very Well, Comrade Stalin. If we piled them up, they would reach God.'
'But God does not exist, Comrade Farmer'
'Nor do the Potatoes, Comrade Stalin'
One day Stalin decides to go to the cinema in disguise and hear what people are really saying about him.
When the newsreel comes on the audience stands up and applauds each time he appears on the screen. Stalin is pleased. Modestly, he himself remains seated. After a few moments the man next to him leans over and whispers
Most people feel the same way you do Comrade, but you'll be safer if you stand up.
The personal assistant enters Stalin's office to announce to him: "Comrade Stalin, a clairvoyant is waiting outside demanding an audience with you. He says that he is able to foresee the future."
Stalin, still bent over the table, calmly replies: "He shall be executed. If he really foresaw the future, he would never want to meet me."
What do you call a spaceman that's gone crazy?
Astronuts... or Cosmonuts if he's a comrade.
A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.
What are you reading, old man? he asks.
I'm learning Hebrew, comrade, replies the old Jew.
The KGB agent asks, What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.
I'm learning Hebrew for when I go to heaven so I can speak with Moses and Abraham, replies the old man.
How do you know you're going to heaven? What if you go to h**...? asks the KGB agent.
I already speak Russian."
One secret policeman asks another, What do you think of the regime? ...
Nervously, the second policeman replies, The same as you, comrade. At that point the first one pulls out handcuffs and says, In that case, it is my duty to arrest you.
A couple of tourists are taking a tour of Moscow.
As they are walking, the husband feels a drop of water fall on his face. He turns to his wife and says I think it's raining. No, it is definitely snowing. Replies his wife. They started to argue, and the husband says let's not bicker, let's ask our tour guide Rudolph whether it is officially snowing or raining. They walked up to their tour guide, and ask Comrade Rudolph, would you kindly tell us if it is snowing or raining? It is raining of course! He replies. The husband turns to the wife and says See? Rudolph the red knows rain, dear!
Another old Soviet joke
Three prisoners are standing in the yard at a Siberian work camp.
The first says to the second, "What are you in here for?" and the second one replies "I said something n**... about Comrade Popov in 1937. What about you?"
The first prisoner says, "I said something nice about Comrade Popov in 1938."
They both turn to the third prisoner. "And you, comrade, why are you here?" The third prisoner says, "I *am* Comrade Popov!"
A man is waiting in a line in the Soviet Union to get food
As he gets closer to the counter, he sees that most people are now walking away empty handed.
When his turn comes, he asks "Hi comrade, I assume you are out of fish?"
"No comrade, you are in the wrong place. We are out of meat. The store across the street is the one that is out of fish".
Stalin is giving a speech, and someone sneezes.
Stalin looks up from his notes and says, "Who sneezed?" No-one says anything.
Stalin has the first row taken away by KGB to be shot. "Who sneezed?" he asks again. No-one says anything. He has the second row of the audience taken away by the KGB to be shot.
"Comrade Stalin, I sneezed!" Says a man in the third row.
Stalin looks at the man and says; "Bless you."
An old Jew is standing on a street corner in Soviet Russia.
He is holding up a poster that says "Thank you, Comrade Stalin for my happy childhood."
A policeman walking the beat sees the poster and says, "Are you trying to mock our Great Motherland? Everybody can see that when you were a child, Comrade Stalin hasn't even been born."
The old Jew replies, "That is precisely why I'm grateful to him."
Three political prisoners sit in a gulag prison...
One of the men asks the other, "What are you in for?"
He responds, "I opposed Comrade Popov in 1937. What about you?"
The first man replies "I supported Comrade Popov in 1938. How about you?" he asks the third man
The third man says "I am Comrade Popov."
Stalin and Zhukov
At the end of the war both stand in front of a big and cheering Russian crowd;
As you all know we've defeated Germany, won the war and done so at the cost of 20 million Russian soldiers and one ice cream driver.
The crowd is silent.
Suddenly from the back you hear one Comrade shout;
What about the ice cream driver?
Stalin turns to Zhukov and slyly whispers;
Told you they wouldn't bat an eye about the others.
In Gulag
Inmates discussing what they were sent to Gulag for.
"I was always 5 minutes late, so they sent me here for sabotage. You?"
"I was always 5 minutes early, so they sent me here for espionage. How about you, comrade?"
"I was always on time, so they sent me here for harming Soviet economy by buying watch in capitalist country"
Stalin is attending the premiere of a Soviet comedy movie with his fellow Party members.
He laughs and grins throughout the film, but after it ends he says, "Well, I liked the comedy. But that clown had a moustache just like mine. Shoot him."
Everyone is speechless, until someone sheepishly suggests, "Comrade Stalin, maybe the actor shaves off his moustache?"
Stalin replies, "Good idea! First shave, then shoot!"
A Russian officer is called into a meeting with his superior at their base camp
His boss starts:
"Comrade Lieutenant, it has come to my attention that you have been selling half of our fuel reserves on the black market"
"Yes Captain, it's true..."
"That's most unfortunate Lieutenant..."
"To be honest Captain, I know you sell army supplies too."
"I know..."
"Then what's the problem if I do it?"
"Because I already sold the other half."
Stalin visits a group of Little Octobrists.
He asks one boy, "What is your name?"
"My name is Vovochka Karpov, Comrade Stalin" says the boy.
Stalin: So tell me , Vovochka, who is your mother?
Vovochka: My mother is the Great Soviet Country!
Stalin: Very good, and your father?
Vovochka: My father is Iosif Vissarionovich Stalin!
Stalin: Marvelous! And what is your greatest desire?
Vovochka: To become an orphan.
Stalin visits a Young Pioneer camp.
He asks one boy, "What is your name, boy?"
"My name is Vovochka Karpov, Comrade Stalin" says the boy.
"So tell me, Vovochka," Stalin says, "who is your mother?"
"My mother is the Great Soviet Country!"
"Very good," says Stalin, "and your father?"
"My father is the wise and kind Josef Vissarionovich Stalin!"
Stalin pats Vovochka's cheek: "Marvelous! And what is your greatest desire?"
"To become an orphan."
An old man thanks Stalin
"Thank you, comrade Stalin, for giving me a wonderful childhood!"
One of Stalin's aides interrupts: "What are you talking about? When you were a child, comrade Stalin wasn't even born yet!"
The old man replies: "and that's why I'm thanking him!"
Stalin goes to a village on a trip
He talks to the people there for a while and then leaves.
After leaving the village, Stalin can't seem to find his pipe.
"One of the villagers must have stolen it!" a KGB agent said "Don't worry Comrade Stalin, I'll find out who"
The KGB agent returns to the village.
A while later, Stalin finds out the pipe was in a different pocket. He goes back to the village to tell the KGB agent that it was just a misunderstanding.
The KGB agent replies: "What a shame! Most of them already confessed!"
A new prisoner in the gulag is asked.....
"So how long are you in for?"
He replies, "Twenty years." The veteran prisoner is surprised: "Twenty?? What on earth could you have done?" The new man replies indignantly, "I did nothing, comrade! Honest!"
The veteran says, "But the sentence for doing nothing is only ten years."
a russian man
(Not my joke, it's a classic)
A russian man places a call to the local authorities.
He says, "Comrade Commissar, I want to report that my parrot has escaped."
Annoyed, the Commissar replies, "Comrade, we have much more important things to do than trying to find your parrot."
-
The man says, "I don't expect you to try and find him, comrade, I just want to be clear that I don't share his opinions."
A Russian general walks into a room to see Vladimir Putin crying at a table.
A Russian general walks into a room to see Vladimir Putin crying at a table.
"Comrade President! What is wrong?"
"I've been working on this jigsaw puzzle from America all morning, but I can't get any of the pieces to fit!"
"Da, Vlad, I see. Everything will be OK. Why don't we lie down and rest? But first, let's put the Corn Flakes back in the box."
America vs Russia
An American and a Russian are arguing about freedom in their respective countries. The American says proudly: I can walk into the Oval Office anytime, I can pound the president's desk, and I can say, Mr. President, I don't like the way you're running our country."
The Russian replies nonchalantly: "Yes sir, I can do that too. I can go into the Kremlin to the President's office, I can pound his desk and say, Comrade President, I don't like the way President Biden's running his country.''
