Computers Jokes

Following is our collection of dell puns and dev one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Computers jokes for adults, dirty computer definitions jokes and clean imac dad gags for kids.

The Best Computers Puns

An Apple store near where I live got robbed

$25k worth of merchandise was stolen. The police said that they will get both computers back.

Difference between computers and woman

Unlike computers a woman will reject a 3 1/2 inch floppy.

Are quantum computers going to change our world?

Yes and no.

Why were all the computers in the company frozen?

Because they let IT go

What are Russian computers best for?

ComPutin.


I like my women like my computers

At least old enough to handle my 3 1/2-inch floppy.

So the FBI is reopening their investigation due to emails found on computers at Anthony Weiner's house.

If these emails bring Hillary down, it'll be the first time she's been screwed by a Weiner in years.

Jesus vs Satan

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.
They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"
God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."

I'm surprised more people didn't know about the NSA spying programs

I mean most of our computers are labelled "Intel"

How do computers measure pain?

Gigahurts.


(Came up with this in the car on my way to school hopefully its original)

Did you hear about the virus that only infected children's computers?

Yeah I thought it was just a pdf-file.


Only 49 states like computers...

The last state isn't Dell-aware

Indians Robbing a Bank

An Indian man tries to rob a bank. He walks out of the bank with no money. The getaway driver asks him Where's the money? And why do you have so many computers? The bank robber replies They thougth I was tech support.

Mommy, how come computers are so smart..

That's because they listen to their Motherboards.

Women are like computers.

You never really appreciate them until they go down on you.

When the computers crash at work.

A wife asks her husband how his day at work went. It was awful, the man explains, pouring himself a stiff drink. All of our computer systems shut down today so we had to do everything manually.
That sounds awful, the wife consoles.
You're telling me, he replies after a sip, I had to keep shuffling the deck of cards for solitaire by hand.

What's the difference between a woman and a computer?

Computers don't laugh at 3.5 inch floppies

Sharing for my 70 yr old mother. Why are computers so smart?

Because they listen to their motherboards.

What do Hutts use to program computers?

JabbaScript


My computer crashed.

Now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what's happening.

Why do quantum computers make terrible community leaders?

Because you can never be sure of their true values.

Why were older computers heavier?

Because they used a FAT file system!

Trump got angry with computers again...

Trump got angry with computers again, and ordered that White House staff are no longer allowed to use email to communicate.

Conway calmed him down and came up with a work-around. White House staff can continue using email, but in order not to anger Trump, they have to call it by a different name:


"Alternative Fax"

Before computers, we did Boolean algebra by hand. Everyone hated it.

It was all Bool sheet work.

Computers and taxis are surprisingly similar.

They both crash when the drivers stop working.

Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually.

It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire.

49 states don't know about computers.

The last state is Dell-aware.

How are Computers and Air Conditioners similar?

They both stop working when you open windows.

The Apple Store in my city was looted and thieves took off with $100K worth of products.

Police make no arrests and say they were were able to recover both computers.

What's the difference between an IT professional and a polygamist?

The IT guy has two computers in case one goes down, the polygamist has two wives in case one doesn't.

And old timer is talking to a millennial and says, "Your generation is sure in trouble thanks to all this talk of computers taking all the jobs. Aren't you worried?" To which the millennial replied,

What jobs?

Why are computers better than girlfriends?

They're the only ones that can accept a 3 inch floppy.

A person invented a new computer and called his friend to check it out...

Person:- this computer can think like a human

Friend :- how?

Person :- whenever it does something wrong, he blames it on other computers.

What do computers snack on?

micro chips

[Computers] Why do Linux admins always take Xanax?

Because they're constantly battling their daemons.

2005: One day computers will be so good that you will have to prove you aren't a robot.

2017: One day computers will be so good that you won't have to prove that you are a robot.

Why do SJWs hate Apple computers?

Because they're not PC

What's the difference between computers and Americans?

Computers have troubleshooting.

Why are old computers so slow?

Because they do things a bit at a time.

Wives are not like computers

When you're not expecting it, a computer will go down on you.

I asked my mother "why are the computers so smart?"

Mother: because they listen to their motherboard

Women are just like computers...

They are always freezing for no reason and you need to replace them about every 3-5 years.

BLONDES & COMPUTERS

Q: How are blondes and computers similar?

A: You never appreciate them until they go down on you.

A paladin and a warrior go into a mage's electronics store to buy computers.

The paladin asks for a Dell computer. The mage directs him to aisle five. The warrior asks for a Hewlett-Packard. The mage says "I'm all out of HP." The mage dies.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away...

Because if you purchase one of their computers, you won't be able to afford health insurance

I like computers more than i like women.

I don't have to buy dinner for a computer to get it to accept my three and a half inch floppy.

Why can't elephansts use computers

Because they are scared of the mouse

I don't get why people are scared of computers taking Jobs.

Cancer got him first.

In Heaven, computers don't need a lot of space.

It's all stored on the cloud.

The first computers were made by women...

that's why computer language is so difficult to understand

Why do the cops monitor the store that sells upper-case letters for computers?

It's a shifty business.

A friend of mine made a funny joke about computers.

but it wasn't funny. Not one bit.

Why is Pennywise good with computers?

Because he works in the IT department.

What's a computers favorite food?

Cookies and chips.

How does a Russian hacker get its malware onto the NSA's computers?

By in-Stalin it.

when I talk about computers

I make my motherboard

What do the LGBT community and computers have in common?

Most people over 50 are scared of them and think they are destroying the fabric of society!

In Spanish, why are computers "la computadora" and not "el computadoro"?

Because they think they know everything.

Why are computers so messy when they eat?

They take megabytes.

A programmer and his wife...

A programmers wife asks him to go to the shop and get a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.

The programmer returns with one loaf of bread and twelve eggs because programmers don't act like computers unlike some others on this sub.

Why Are Computers So Smart?

Cuz they listen to their Motherboards.

How are women and computers the same?

Neither take your 3.5 inch floppy anymore.. unless you pay extra.

What is a similarity between computers and prostitutes?

They can both be used for 20+ hours.

What kind of soup do computers eat?

RAMen.

Thomas Edison was certainly one of history's greatest scientists.

If not for his invention, right now we would be using our computers by candlelight.

If you give a mouse a cookie...

You don't understand computers.

why do apple computers dislike love songs?

they are all done by Adele!

What's the difference between HP computers and HP in a video game?

One of them you want to see a lot less of.

The best computers are made in America

They have virtually no troubleshooting.

Attention Nerds!

It would be so much easier if humans came with an error message just like computers do.
Imagine sitting in a restaurant and failing miserably at flirting with the waitress.
"Warning! Error establishing connection with the Server"

TIL That due to recent advancements with AI two computers identified themselves as mates, and even went as far as to set up a Romeo and Juliette style suicide pact...

They say they were so in love they finished each others sentiences.

What do old men and old computers have in common?

Both have 3.5 inch floppies.

So I saw the new IT movie...

I was really disappointed and confused that there were absolutely no computers in the movie at all.

How do computers make sweaters?

On the interknit.

you should make sure chrome doesn't save your password on lab computers

i logged you out

prequel nerd

Why don't computers have any brothers?

They are all trans-sisters.

Computers are like women

At first you cherish them with all your love. Then, as time goes on you become more careless. Until one day you realize...

*You have a virus*

I hacked the recipe computers

at the Campbell's Soup Company. Do you want me to post them in their entirety,

Or just the condensed version.

There is an abundance of macs jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 78 funniest jokes and computers puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any viruses witze you can hear about computers.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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