Computer Jokes

Following is our collection of routers puns and mypenis one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Computer jokes for adults, dirty dell jokes and clean computer definitions dad gags for kids.

The Best Computer Puns

What's the difference between a computer and an American?

An American doesn't have trouble-shooting.

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

"Yeah, that's the one!"

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.

I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."



He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."


Why is everyone criticising EA?

I've only ever known EA as an excellent video game company and pioneer of the early home computer games industry. EA has always had my enjoyment as their primary concern and their community involvement is phenomenal.

($50 has been deposited into your Paypal account, remember to delete this part of the message before posting it).

My grandad asked me how to print on his computer...

I told him it's Ctrl-P. He says he hasn't been able to do that for ages.

Screw that clown from IT.

Always joking around when he should be fixing my computer.

A guy walks into a library and asks the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

The man replies, "Yeah that's the one."

How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of the crime?

I think they just ransomware.

I like my women how I like my computer.

On my lap.
Turned on.
Virus free.


I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer crash?

Because it had a bad driver!

*drops mic*

I painted my computer black so it would run faster.

Now it doesn't work.

Then I painted my computer white so it would work.

Now the whole system is corrupt.

I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer crash?

It had a bad driver!

**bows **

I'll show myself out.

Yeah, I lost to my computer at chess.

But it turned out to be no match for me at kickboxing.

A mugger jumps out in front of a university student...

...and shouts "your money or your life!"

The student keeps walking, and says "Sorry mate, I'm a Computer Science student. I don't have either".

Saw "IT" last night

Far less "computer networking" and so much more "murderous clowning" than anticipated

What's Adolf Hitler's favourite computer game?

Mein Kraft.

A little girl says to her mommy, instead of buying me clothes for my birthday can you send them to all of the little girls that haven't got any, you know the ones.

The ones on daddy's computer.


Painted my computer black hoping it would run faster...

Now it just doesn't work.

My brother wanted to play cowboys and indians

So I put on a ten gallon hat and and chaps and he went to MIT and graduated in computer science.

My computer crashed a few hours into writing my paper

looks like I'm gonna have to write my name and the date again

"What does gay mean?"

A son is on the computer and he comes across the word gay. He asks his dad, "What does gay mean?"

"It means happy."

"So dad, are you gay?" the son asks.

Dad replies, "No son, I have a wife."

A day in the life of an IT guy...

Customer: Hi, my computer isn't working.

IT guy: OK, what happens when you try to turn it on?

Customer: Nothing.

IT guy: Can you check to see if it's plugged into the outlet?

Customer: Uhhhh I dunno it's pretty dark back there...

IT guy: ...Can you turn on a light?

Customer: Nope. The power's out.

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam & Eve.

It was an apple with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte & then everything crashed.

While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three and promptly received a one-word answer: "Yes."

Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer
barked, "Yes, what?" Instantly the machine
replied, "Yes, sir!"

What does Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashes?

Nothing.

Do not use beef stew as a computer password.

It is not stroganoff.

My computer has a virus that causes unblockable popups and constantly demands my personal information...

...it's called Norton

How many Mexicans does it take to run a computer?

Dos

What's the difference between a feminist and a computer?

You can punch information into a computer.

My manly password

My wife and I were trying to set up a new password for our computer.

Trying to be clever, I put "Mypenis" and my wife fell to the ground laughing hysterically because on the screen it said:

**"Error. Not long enough."**

What do you call a computer mouse that swears a lot?

A cursor!

There was a computer dating back to Adam and Eve..

It was an apple, and a very bad one at that. It only took one byte for everything to crash.

My mom said that if I don't get off the computer and do my homework she'll slam my head into the keyboard,

but I think she's jokinfreoiwjr67uiwosi94ckcjfkdald87lakdofasdkfj

A man walks into a library...

A man walks into a library and says "Excuse me, miss, but do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian goes to the computer, types a few things in, and says "I don't think it's in yet."

The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one..."

A computer science student...

...was writing a note to his crush before lecture. The student next to him grabbed the note.
The first student tried to grab it back. You can't see that, it's private!
The second student protested, But we're in the same class

Child: Dad I want to be a plumber when I grow up

Dad: That's a very low goal. Have some ambition

Child: How about being a doctor?

Dad: That's right!

Child: Or a teacher, a prison guard, a gym trainer....

Dad: HAVE YOU BEEN USING MY COMPUTER?

A car with 3 engineers and 1 computer scientist stalls on the freeway...

The mechanical engineer says: "lets check the carborator, it's probably the carborator"
The chemical engineer says: "its most likely the gas line, lets check that"
The electrical engineer says: "no, it has to be the car's circuts"
The computer scientist thinks for a minute and says: "lets all get out of the car and get back in"

I burned my finger on my computer processor.

It MHz.

A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill...

A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn't eat meat.

I think if he had to build his own computer he'd wouldn't whine on Facebook.

A computer programmer's wife sends her husband to the store.

She says, "Buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."

An hour later, he returns home with twelve loaves of bread. She asks,

"Why did you get twelve loaves of bread?" Her husband replies,

"Because they had eggs."

Yesterday my dad told me if he saw me on the computer latenight again...

He would smash my head into my keyHDJbdvxhjJDKLXUXBgshdjcmcnGxcNdnckcoNcbcjxndbcjcjkxndJdhhshdbdn

Russian computer: "Enter password"

Me: "Beef stew"

Russian computer: "Password not stroganoff"

My wife and I found some S&M videos on my son's computer...

"What should we do?"

"Well, we can't spank him."

My wife told me she'd slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.

Don't worry guys, i think she's jokinejkodoworkfjcjkskoe394oo2oc2i2fkf2uu3ug25r2u

I was speaking to a computer technician.

"How do you make a motherboard?" I asked him.

He said, "Tell her about my job."

Why were all the computers in the company frozen?

Because they let IT go

My computer just said hello to me.

I think it's A Dell.

Me: Boss, I'm sorry I am late. I was having computer issues.

Boss: Hard drive?

Me: No, the commute was fine. It was my computer.

So I got a virus on my computer

And the thing is, I didn't do anything and it just disappeared.

Must have ransomware.

I painted my computer black last night

Now it runs much faster

On a cold winter's morning

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning:

"Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back:

"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:

"Computer is really screwed up now.

How does a computer get drunk?

It takes screenshots.

I started downloading Jaws the other day

But after one megabyte, my computer died.

There are 2 truly difficult problems in Computer Science

0: Naming things
1: Cache invalidation
2: Off by one errors

Little Johnny

Little Johnny's father noticed that Johnny was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate Little Johnny into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, his father said, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

Little Johnny replied, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

Einstein famously said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

But doing the same thing over and over again and actually getting a different result - that's called Computer Programming.

A young man helps his grandfather with his computer issues

His grandfather seems to be unable to set a password.

Trying to figure out the problem the young man looks at the password the old man is trying to set

His password is ParisLondonMickeyMouse

Puzzled by this, the man asks his grandfather why he wants to set this password anyways.

The grandfather simply replies: It wanted two capitals and a character .

I just bought a new computer...

When i turned it on, instead of saying "Welcome", it said " Hello".


It's a Dell.

A man goes to the library and asks for a book

A man goes to the library and asks if they have a book on small penises. After checking the computer, the librarian replies, "I don't think it's in yet." He looks at her and says, "Yeah that's the one."

whats the difference between a woman and a computer?

a woman wont accept a 3 1/2 inch floppy.

What did Stephen Hawking say when his computer broke?

My computer beat me at chess...

So I beat my computer at kickboxing.

Wifi password

I was doing an overnight at a hotel away from home. I took my computer to the hotel lounge to do some work. I sat down at the bar and I asked the bartender, "What's the WiFi password?"

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I'll have a beer.

Bartender: We have Molson's Canadian on tap.

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Bartender: $8.00.

Me: Okay, here you go. What's the WiFi password?

Bartender: "youneedtobuyadrinkfirst" -- no spaces and all lowercase.

What computer monitor sings the best?

A Dell.

TIFU by plugging in the wrong speaker into my computer, causing a blackout in my neighbourhood

Whoops, wrong sub

At work I noticed the computer department have started putting Christmas decorations up

IT's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

Why the musician sold his computer...

Not enough gigs.

How Can You Tell When The NSA is Monitoring Your Computer?

The power is on and you're connected to the internet.

The following text messages were exchanged on a cold winters day.

Wife: Windows frozen.
Husband: Pour some warm water over them.
Wife: Computer completely screwed up now.

My computer won't stop crying and singing about break ups...

That's the last time I buy A Dell.

Password reset

A man was was unable to log into his online banking account and he pulled up the online chat support.

"I put in my password and I cannot access my account"

"Sorry that password has expired- you must register a new one."

"Did anyone discover that password and hack my computer?"

"No, but your password has expired- you must get a new one."

"Why then do I need a new one as that one seems to be working pretty well?"

"Well, you must get a new one as they automatically expire every 90 days."

"Can I use the old one and just re-register it?"

"No, you must get a new one."

"I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember."

"Sorry, you must get a new one."

"OK, roses."

"Sorry you must use more letters."

"OK, pretty roses"

"No good, you must use at least one numerical character."

"OK, 1 pretty rose"

"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces."

"OK, 1prettyrose"

"Sorry, you must use additional characters."

"OK, 1fuckingprettyrose"

"Sorry, you must use at least one capital letter."

"OK,1FUCKINGprettyrose"

"Sorry, you cannot use more than one capital letter in a row."

"OK, 1Fuckingprettyrose"

"Sorry, you cannot use that password as you must use additional letters."

"OK, 1Fuckingprettyroseshovedupyourassifyoudon'tgivemeaccessrightfuckingnow"

"Sorry, you cannot use that password as it is already being used"

I got a computer for my wife today.

Best trade I ever made.

A computer programmer was sitting at home with his wife.

He takes a cigarette out of his pocket, lights it, and takes a puff.
His wife looks at him angrily and says,
"You really need to stop doing that. Can't you see the warning on the box? It says 'hazardous to health!'"
The programmer takes another puff of his cigarette and says,
"I'm a computer programmer. I don't care about warnings. I only care about errors."

Wife or Girlfriend

A physicist, a mathematician and a computer scientist discuss what is better: a wife or a girlfriend. The physicist: "A girlfriend. You still have freedom to experiment." The mathematician: "A wife. You have security." The computer scientist: "Both. When I'm not with my wife, she thinks I'm with my girlfriend. With my girlfriend it's vice versa. And I can be with my computer without anyone disturbing me..."

There is an abundance of cyberia jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 76 funniest jokes and computer puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any cache witze you can hear about computer.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes