Ridiculous Computer Jokes to Spark Fun and Laughter
What's the difference between a computer and an American?
An American doesn't have trouble-shooting.
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."
He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."
Why is everyone criticising EA?
I've only ever known EA as an excellent video game company and pioneer of the early home computer games industry. EA has always had my enjoyment as their primary concern and their community involvement is phenomenal.
($50 has been deposited into your Paypal account, remember to delete this part of the message before posting it).
So I got a virus on my computer
And the thing is, I didn't do anything and it just disappeared.
Must have ransomware.
My computer has a virus that causes unblockable popups and constantly demands my personal information...
...it's called Norton
My manly password
My wife and I were trying to set up a new password for our computer.
Trying to be clever, I put "Mypenis" and my wife fell to the ground laughing hysterically because on the screen it said:
**"Error. Not long enough."**
I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer c**...?
It had a bad driver!
**bows **
I'll show myself out.
What's the difference between a feminist and a computer?
You can punch information into a computer.
A man goes to the library and asks for a book
A man goes to the library and asks if they have a book on small p**.... After checking the computer, the librarian replies, "I don't think it's in yet." He looks at her and says, "Yeah that's the one."
You can explore computer routers reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean computer dell dad jokes. There are also computer puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer c**...?
Because it had a bad driver!
*drops mic*
Painted my computer black hoping it would run faster...
Now it just doesn't work.
I just bought a new computer...
When i turned it on, instead of saying "Welcome", it said " Hello".
It's a Dell.
My computer crashed a few hours into writing my paper
looks like I'm gonna have to write my name and the date again
I like my women how I like my computer.
On my lap.
Turned on.
Virus free.
Yeah, I lost to my computer at chess.
But it turned out to be no match for me at kickboxing.
A computer science student...
...was writing a note to his crush before lecture. The student next to him grabbed the note.
The first student tried to grab it back. You can't see that, it's private!
The second student protested, But we're in the same class
What does Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashes?
Nothing.
I painted my computer black so it would run faster.
Now it doesn't work.
Then I painted my computer white so it would work.
Now the whole system is corrupt.
There are 2 truly difficult problems in Computer Science
0: Naming things
1: Cache invalidation
2: Off by one errors
Why were all the computers in the company frozen?
Because they let IT go
How many Mexicans does it take to run a computer?
Dos
What's Adolf h**...'s favourite computer game?
Mein Kraft.
A car with 3 engineers and 1 computer scientist stalls on the freeway...
The mechanical engineer says: "lets check the carborator, it's probably the carborator"
The chemical engineer says: "its most likely the gas line, lets check that"
The electrical engineer says: "no, it has to be the car's circuts"
The computer scientist thinks for a minute and says: "lets all get out of the car and get back in"
My computer just said hello to me.
I think it's A Dell.
My brother wanted to play cowboys and indians
So I put on a ten gallon hat and and chaps and he went to MIT and graduated in computer science.
I painted my computer black last night
Now it runs much faster
A mugger jumps out in front of a university student...
...and shouts "your money or your life!"
The student keeps walking, and says "Sorry mate, I'm a Computer Science student. I don't have either".
"What does gay mean?"
A son is on the computer and he comes across the word gay. He asks his dad, "What does gay mean?"
"It means happy."
"So dad, are you gay?" the son asks.
Dad replies, "No son, I have a wife."
A man walks into a library...
A man walks into a library and says "Excuse me, miss, but do you have that book for men with small p**...?"
The librarian goes to the computer, types a few things in, and says "I don't think it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one..."
Yesterday my dad told me if he saw me on the computer latenight again...
He would smash my head into my keyHDJbdvxhjJDKLXUXBgshdjcmcnGxcNdnckcoNcbcjxndbcjcjkxndJdhhshdbdn
I was speaking to a computer technician.
"How do you make a motherboard?" I asked him.
He said, "Tell her about my job."
There was a computer dating back to Adam and Eve..
It was an apple, and a very bad one at that. It only took one byte for everything to c**....
I started downloading Jaws the other day
But after one megabyte, my computer died.
Einstein famously said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
But doing the same thing over and over again and actually getting a different result - that's called Computer Programming.
A computer programmer's wife sends her husband to the store.
She says, "Buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
An hour later, he returns home with twelve loaves of bread. She asks,
"Why did you get twelve loaves of bread?" Her husband replies,
"Because they had eggs."
A day in the life of an IT guy...
Customer: Hi, my computer isn't working.
IT guy: OK, what happens when you try to turn it on?
Customer: Nothing.
IT guy: Can you check to see if it's plugged into the outlet?
Customer: Uhhhh I dunno it's pretty dark back there...
IT guy: ...Can you turn on a light?
Customer: Nope. The power's out.
My wife and I found some s**... videos on my son's computer...
"What should we do?"
"Well, we can't s**... him."
A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill...
A vegan friend's status said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn't eat meat.
I think if he had to build his own computer he'd wouldn't whine on Facebook.
Saw "IT" last night
Far less "computer networking" and so much more "murderous clowning" than anticipated
Screw that clown from IT.
Always joking around when he should be fixing my computer.
Little Johnny
Little Johnny's father noticed that Johnny was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate Little Johnny into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, his father said, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."
Little Johnny replied, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
I burned my finger on my computer processor.
It MHz.
A guy walks into a library and asks the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small p**...?"
The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yeah that's the one."
Child: Dad I want to be a plumber when I grow up
Dad: That's a very low goal. Have some ambition
Child: How about being a doctor?
Dad: That's right!
Child: Or a teacher, a prison guard, a gym trainer....
Dad: HAVE YOU BEEN USING MY COMPUTER?
My mom said that if I don't get off the computer and do my homework she'll slam my head into the keyboard,
but I think she's jokinfreoiwjr67uiwosi94ckcjfkdald87lakdofasdkfj
How does a computer get drunk?
It takes screenshots.
A young man helps his grandfather with his computer issues
His grandfather seems to be unable to set a password.
Trying to figure out the problem the young man looks at the password the old man is trying to set
His password is ParisLondonMickeyMouse
Puzzled by this, the man asks his grandfather why he wants to set this password anyways.
The grandfather simply replies: It wanted two capitals and a character .
Russian computer: "Enter password"
Me: "Beef stew"
Russian computer: "Password not stroganoff"
A little girl says to her mommy, instead of buying me clothes for my birthday can you send them to all of the little girls that haven't got any, you know the ones.
The ones on daddy's computer.
My grandad asked me how to print on his computer...
I told him it's Ctrl-P. He says he hasn't been able to do that for ages.
Do not use beef stew as a computer password.
It is not stroganoff.
Me: Boss, I'm sorry I am late. I was having computer issues.
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It was my computer.
On a cold winter's morning
Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer is really s**... up now.
While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three and promptly received a one-word answer: "Yes."
Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer
barked, "Yes, what?" Instantly the machine
replied, "Yes, sir!"
A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small p**...?"
The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
"Yeah, that's the one!"
My wife told me she'd slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
Don't worry guys, i think she's jokinejkodoworkfjcjkskoe394oo2oc2i2fkf2uu3ug25r2u
What do you call a computer mouse that swears a lot?
A cursor!
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam & Eve.
It was an apple with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte & then everything crashed.
How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of the crime?
I think they just ransomware.
My boss calls me "the computer"
Nothing to do with intelligence,
I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes
EDIT thank you all so much this is my first ever post to hit 1k upvotes and get awards
2nd edit wow 3k this post has blown out my previous record of 789 out of the water thank you so much
Corona must have hit India hard...
I´ve not recieved a single phone call this week from
Microsoft to warn me about a virus on my computer.
My boss calls me "The computer"
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
What's the difference between a woman and a computer?
There is a chance my computer will go down on me.
Do you know the oldest computer was owned by Adam and Eve?
It was an apple, with very limited memory, one byte and everything crashed!
Why do computer scientists always confuse Christmas and Halloween?
Its cause DEC 25 = OCT 31
What do computers eat?
Micro chips!
My mom said that if I don't get off my computer and do my homework, she's gonna slam my head on the keyboard.
But I don't give a fuskhhkxkhdkhhskhd
What's the difference between a vegan and a computer programmer?
One is disgusted by rack of lamb and the other is disgusted by lack of RAM.
A man marches to H.R. to complain that his paycheque is $50 short.
He arrives in the H.R. office and slams his paycheque on the desk.
"This is an outrage!"
The rep apologizes for the error, then begins to investigate the issue on her computer. Suddenly, she's smirking.
"Oh, I see. You're coming here to complain that we underpaid you by $50 this week. But you certainly didn't complain when we **over**paid you by $50 last week."
The man points his finger at the woman:
"Listen, one mistake I can forgive. But enough is enough!"
My colleagues call me The Computer .
Nothing to do with my intelligence. I just go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
(A new addition) What's the difference between an American and a computer?
A computer has troubleshooting.
Also,
it can abort.
At the office, I am known as "The Computer".
Not because I am smart. But if you leave me unattended for 30 minutes, I go to sleep.
A computer programmer goes to buy some bread.
On his way out, his wife says, "and while you're there, get a carton of eggs".
He never returned.
How can you tell the difference between an influencer and a computer scientist?
By checking how they pronounce the word bios
A computer once beat me at chess.
But it was no match for me at kickboxing.
-Credit to Emo Phillips
Where did the computer mouse go to get a drink?
The spacebar
And you know I've been to a couple spacebars before, they're all exactly the same. Great food, no atmosphere.
A man calls quantum IT support and complains that his quantum computer isn't working.
Quantum IT support: "Have you tried turning it off and on at the same time?"
What is the difference between USA and USB?
One connects to your computer and accesses all your data. The other is an industry standard.
I've created a new computer that is almost human."
"You mean that it can think, feel and reason just like a human would?"
"No, but when it makes a mistake it blames it on another computer."
My computer keeps screaming at me that it's run out of memory
But it's all bark and no byte
My boss calls me, The Computer but it has nothing to do with my intelligence.
I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
How do computers get drunk??
You know... they just take SCREENSHOTS
