The Best 68 Compute Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Compute jokes. There are some compute screenshots jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these compute computer puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Compute Jokes and Puns

why was the computer late to work?

because it had a hard drive! (stole it from ellen, from her classic joke tuesday)

Why did the computer overheat?

Because windows wasn't open.

Computer joke of the day!

>Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."

Compute joke, Computer joke of the day!

My computer has a virus that causes unblockable popups and constantly demands my personal information...

...it's called Norton

I don't like my computer memory.

Not one bit.


Why do computer scientists make such lousy lovers?

'Cause they always want to do the job faster than before. And when they do, they say the performance has improved.

How is a computer like an air conditioner?

They both stop working properly when you open windows.

Compute joke, How is a computer like an air conditioner?

A computer joke...

I hear they make gender-specific versions of ActiveX now: ActiveXX and ActiveXY. Unfortunately, ActiveXX overflows for a few days every month and ActiveXY constantly tries to mount drives it shouldn't.

Why couldn't the computer play golf?...

...Because it had the wrong Driver

Why did the computer scientist die in the shower?

The shampoo bottle put him in an infinite loop.

Why did the computer cross the road?

To get a byte to eat...

You can explore compute supercomputer reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean compute computer definitions dad jokes. There are also compute puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Computer diagnosis

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only cost you $10.00."

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:

1. Your tap water is too hard.

2. Get a water softener.

3. Your dog has ringworm.

4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

5. Your daughter is using cocaine.

6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better.

A computer programmer was sitting at home with his wife.

He takes a cigarette out of his pocket, lights it, and takes a puff.
His wife looks at him angrily and says,
"You really need to stop doing that. Can't you see the warning on the box? It says 'hazardous to health!'"
The programmer takes another puff of his cigarette and says,
"I'm a computer programmer. I don't care about warnings. I only care about errors."

My ex was like a computer game.

Started off easy, got a little harder and eventually I ended up cheating.

['90s] I just got a new computer.

It's called "The Tyson." It comes with two bytes and no memory.

What computer monitor sings the best?

A Dell.

Compute joke, What computer monitor sings the best?

I got a computer for my wife today.

Best trade I ever made.

What computer says "hello"

A Dell

My computer crashed a few hours into writing my paper

looks like I'm gonna have to write my name and the date again


Computers and taxis are surprisingly similar.

They both crash when the drivers stop working.

A computer science student...

...was writing a note to his crush before lecture. The student next to him grabbed the note.
The first student tried to grab it back. You can't see that, it's private!
The second student protested, But we're in the same class

[Computers] Why do Linux admins always take Xanax?

Because they're constantly battling their daemons.

Why were all the computers in the company frozen?

Because they let IT go

Why did the computer scientist die in the shower?

The bottle of shampoo said, "Lather, Rinse, Repeat."

What do computers snack on?

micro chips

Why are so many computer scientists atheists?

Because praying for a bug fix is guaranteed to fail.

My computer crashed.

Now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what's happening.

My computer won't stop crying and singing about break ups...

That's the last time I buy A Dell.

My computer just said hello to me.

I think it's A Dell.

How do computers measure pain?

Gigahurts.

(Came up with this in the car on my way to school hopefully its original)

Why do computer programmers confuse Halloween with Christmas?

Because Oct31 = Dec25

Why was the first computer never invited to dinner?

It would just take a few bytes then run.

There was a computer dating back to Adam and Eve..

It was an apple, and a very bad one at that. It only took one byte for everything to crash.

A computer programmer's wife sends her husband to the store.

She says, "Buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."

An hour later, he returns home with twelve loaves of bread. She asks,

"Why did you get twelve loaves of bread?" Her husband replies,

"Because they had eggs."

How are Computers and Air Conditioners similar?

They both stop working when you open windows.

My computer kept overheating while playing CS:GO

I had to stop to give it a quick de_dust.

When was the first computer?

Adam and Eve's time. It was an apple. It only had one byte, then everything went downhill.

How do you know when a blonde's been at your computer?

There's white out on the screen.

Why white out?

'Cause the eraser didn't work.

Why was the computer mad when he got home?

It had a hard drive

Computer virus are no joke

I used to have a girlfriend but she ransomwareο»Ώ.

I WannaCry now... ;(

Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually.

It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire.

My computer beat me at chess...

So I beat my computer at kickboxing.

My computer was really laggy until someone helped me update my software

Turns out it was the bus driver

How does a computer get drunk?

It takes screenshots.

Why do computer scientists confuse halloween with christmas?

Because

Oct 31 = Dec 25

When the computers crash at work.

A wife asks her husband how his day at work went. It was awful, the man explains, pouring himself a stiff drink. All of our computer systems shut down today so we had to do everything manually.
That sounds awful, the wife consoles.
You're telling me, he replies after a sip, I had to keep shuffling the deck of cards for solitaire by hand.

I took my old computer to a computer repair shop

I asked the shop owner "My computer is too slow. What can I do ?"

Shop owner inspected the computer and said "It needs some hardware acceleration"

Me: How much acceleration would it need ?

Shop owner: 9.8 meter per second squared.

Before computers, we did Boolean algebra by hand. Everyone hated it.

It was all Bool sheet work.

Why was the computer tired after a long journey?

It had a hard drive.

A computer once beat me in chess

But it was no match for me in kick-boxing.

Why did the computer get drunk?

Because it took too many screenshots.

Why are computers better than girlfriends?

They're the only ones that can accept a 3 inch floppy.

Why did the computer technician get kicked out of the army?

He had troubleshooting.

How does a computer learn something new ?

Bit by bit

A little computer humor

There's no place like 127.0.0.1

How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of the crime?

I think they just ransomware.

Why was Stalin's computer so slow?

It was on a five year plan

Got a B in my computer programming class

Call that a C++

A Computer Science student at MIT showed up at his buddies dorm room with a new bike.

His buddy said sweet bike, where'd ya get it?

You'll never believe this, he said, I was walking across campus and this beautiful blonde on a bike stopped, threw down her bike, tore off all her clothes and said _take whatever you want!_

His buddy stared at him blankly for a minute, then said smart. Her clothes would have never fit you.

How does the computer get to work?

It has drivers

How does a computer learn karate?

With a punch card

Why can't a computer play tennis?

server unavailable

Why was the computer late?

Because it had a hard drive

What computerbrand does also make music?

A Dell

Computers are not funny

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI

What did the Computer Science major say to the English major?

Yeah I'll take a #3 with a small fry and a Dr. Pepper, and a #7, just the sandwich. Do you guys still have that smoky barbeque sauce or has it been discontinued?

Why do computer scientists get Halloween and Christmas mixed up?

Because Oct 31 = Dec 25.

Two computer nerds start arguing about if they have to pronounce it gif or jif.

The argument gets extremely heated and it goes on for hours.

In the end they just decide to have the sandwich with just the jelly.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the compute quantum jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working compute reckon piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes