Compute Jokes

Following is our collection of supercomputer puns and screenshots one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Compute jokes for adults, dirty computer definitions jokes and clean computer dad gags for kids.

The Best Compute Puns

How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of the crime?

I think they just ransomware.

My computer crashed a few hours into writing my paper

looks like I'm gonna have to write my name and the date again

My computer has a virus that causes unblockable popups and constantly demands my personal information...'s called Norton

There was a computer dating back to Adam and Eve..

It was an apple, and a very bad one at that. It only took one byte for everything to crash.

A computer science student...

...was writing a note to his crush before lecture. The student next to him grabbed the note.
The first student tried to grab it back. You can't see that, it's private!
The second student protested, But we're in the same class

A computer programmer's wife sends her husband to the store.

She says, "Buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."

An hour later, he returns home with twelve loaves of bread. She asks,

"Why did you get twelve loaves of bread?" Her husband replies,

"Because they had eggs."

Why were all the computers in the company frozen?

Because they let IT go

My computer just said hello to me.

I think it's A Dell.

How does a computer get drunk?

It takes screenshots.

My computer beat me at chess...

So I beat my computer at kickboxing.

What computer monitor sings the best?

A Dell.

My computer won't stop crying and singing about break ups...

That's the last time I buy A Dell.

I got a computer for my wife today.

Best trade I ever made.

A computer programmer was sitting at home with his wife.

He takes a cigarette out of his pocket, lights it, and takes a puff.
His wife looks at him angrily and says,
"You really need to stop doing that. Can't you see the warning on the box? It says 'hazardous to health!'"
The programmer takes another puff of his cigarette and says,
"I'm a computer programmer. I don't care about warnings. I only care about errors."

Computer virus are no joke

I used to have a girlfriend but she ransomwareο»Ώ.

I WannaCry now... ;(

My ex was like a computer game.

Started off easy, got a little harder and eventually I ended up cheating.

What computer says "hello"

A Dell

Why was the computer mad when he got home?

It had a hard drive

I don't like my computer memory.

Not one bit.

Why couldn't the computer play golf?...

...Because it had the wrong Driver

Why do computer programmers confuse Halloween with Christmas?

Because Oct31 = Dec25

Computer diagnosis

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only cost you $10.00."

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:

1. Your tap water is too hard.

2. Get a water softener.

3. Your dog has ringworm.

4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

5. Your daughter is using cocaine.

6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better.

How do computers measure pain?


(Came up with this in the car on my way to school hopefully its original)

A computer joke...

I hear they make gender-specific versions of ActiveX now: ActiveXX and ActiveXY. Unfortunately, ActiveXX overflows for a few days every month and ActiveXY constantly tries to mount drives it shouldn't.

Why do computer scientists confuse halloween with christmas?


Oct 31 = Dec 25

['90s] I just got a new computer.

It's called "The Tyson." It comes with two bytes and no memory.

A computer once beat me in chess

But it was no match for me in kick-boxing.

Why did the computer technician get kicked out of the army?

He had troubleshooting.

When was the first computer?

Adam and Eve's time. It was an apple. It only had one byte, then everything went downhill.

When the computers crash at work.

A wife asks her husband how his day at work went. It was awful, the man explains, pouring himself a stiff drink. All of our computer systems shut down today so we had to do everything manually.
That sounds awful, the wife consoles.
You're telling me, he replies after a sip, I had to keep shuffling the deck of cards for solitaire by hand.

Computer joke of the day!

>Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."

A little computer humor

There's no place like

I took my old computer to a computer repair shop

I asked the shop owner "My computer is too slow. What can I do ?"

Shop owner inspected the computer and said "It needs some hardware acceleration"

Me: How much acceleration would it need ?

Shop owner: 9.8 meter per second squared.

My computer kept overheating while playing CS:GO

I had to stop to give it a quick de_dust.

How is a computer like an air conditioner?

They both stop working properly when you open windows.

My computer crashed.

Now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what's happening.

Why did the computer get drunk?

Because it took too many screenshots.

Why did the computer scientist die in the shower?

The shampoo bottle put him in an infinite loop.

Why are so many computer scientists atheists?

Because praying for a bug fix is guaranteed to fail.

How does a computer learn something new ?

Bit by bit

Before computers, we did Boolean algebra by hand. Everyone hated it.

It was all Bool sheet work.

Computers and taxis are surprisingly similar.

They both crash when the drivers stop working.

Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually.

It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire.

Why did the computer cross the road?

To get a byte to eat...

How are Computers and Air Conditioners similar?

They both stop working when you open windows.

why was the computer late to work?

because it had a hard drive! (stole it from ellen, from her classic joke tuesday)

Why was the first computer never invited to dinner?

It would just take a few bytes then run.

Why do computer scientists make such lousy lovers?

'Cause they always want to do the job faster than before. And when they do, they say the performance has improved.

My computer was really laggy until someone helped me update my software

Turns out it was the bus driver

Why did the computer overheat?

Because windows wasn't open.

Why did the computer scientist die in the shower?

The bottle of shampoo said, "Lather, Rinse, Repeat."

How do you know when a blonde's been at your computer?

There's white out on the screen.

Why white out?

'Cause the eraser didn't work.

Why was the computer tired after a long journey?

It had a hard drive.

Why are computers better than girlfriends?

They're the only ones that can accept a 3 inch floppy.

[Computers] Why do Linux admins always take Xanax?

Because they're constantly battling their daemons.

What do computers snack on?

micro chips

Computer Science major walks into an English class

The Professor says "Welcome to English 101".

The student panicks.

"What's wrong?" asks the Professor.

"I missed the first 4 English classes".

Why couldn't the computer feel anything?

Num. lock was on

Why did the computer programmer get stuck in the shower forever?

Because the instructions on the shampoo bottle said to "1. Lather 2. Rinse 3. Repeat"

Why are old computers so slow?

Because they do things a bit at a time.

Your computer science teaching momma is so fat...

... she can flatten a binary tree in O(1).

A computer science teacher asks the class to turn to page 404.

The students search feverishly, to no avail

There is an abundance of quantum jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 62 funniest jokes and compute puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any reckon witze you can hear about compute.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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