Humorous Compulsive Jokes to Bring Fun and Laughter to Your Life
I asked my doctor if I have OCD because of my compulsive cleaning.
Apparently cleaning your browser history does not count.
Tom had been a compulsive worrier for years...
...until he found a way to overcome this problem.
His friends noticed the dramatic change.
"You don't seem to be worried about anything anymore."
"I hired a professional worrier for $1000.00 a week, Tom replied.
'I haven't had a single problem since."
"A thousand a week," said Doug. "You can't afford that, how are you going to pay him?"
"Tom replied, "That's his problem."
Mental health hotline.
Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mothership.
If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.
If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short term memory loss, please try you call again in a few minutes.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.
What did the kleptomaniacal compulsive liar say when his beekeeper friend asked him what he was running away with?
"None of your beeswax!"
My girlfriend says I have compulsive lying disorder...
...she's right; I don't have a girlfriend.
(Another screenwriting joke) Did you hear the one about the bulemic girl?
She overcame her disorder, but then lapsed into compulsive overeating. She gained 300 pounds and died of a heart attack. In the end, she was a round character.
Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are Obsessive Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are codependant, have someone press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5,6. If you are paranoid, we know which one you want.
I've been diagnosed as a compulsive liar and hypochondriac.
And it's making me sick.
Did you hear about the insomniac, dyslexic, obsessive compulsive butcher?
He used to lay in bed at night worrying about why he constantly weighed a steak.
Recently I bought a really good book about curing my obsessive compulsive disorder. It's helped me so much.
I can't stop reading it.
I've been told I'm a compulsive liar and a hypochondriac
but I don't worry about it.
You can explore compulsive addictive reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean compulsive pathological dad jokes. There are also compulsive puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I suffer from an unusual obsessive compulsive disorder, CDO
I have to write acronyms in alphabetical order
Dad is obsessive compulsive about his vinyl and owns every single Beatles record except for one..
I think he needs Help.
Did you hear about the compulsive gambler with diarrhea?
Well, he lost.
I was born handsome, charming witty and wise
I'm also a compulsive liar, but I think it evens out.
The Perfect Man
So one day, a man is sitting at work with his co-worker:
Man: I'm really happy with life right now. Kids are doing great in school, wife loves me and puts out every night, and my doctor says I'm the picture of perfect health.
Co-worker: Wow! That sounds so great! Is there anything wrong with you?
Man: Well my therapist says I'm a compulsive liar, but what does she know?
We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers.
It would be called On Anon Anon.
My wife left me, saying I was a compulsive liar
Atleast I think that's what she said... I was busy wrestling a tiger at the time.
I have decided to take up compulsive lying
Nah not really.
What do you call a support group for compulsive talkers?
On and on anon.
I got a h**... from a girl with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It was the best minute of my life...
Then the worst eleven minutes of my life.
I'm starting a weekly meeting at my house for people with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
My wife broke up with me yesterday because I'm a compulsive gambler and ever since, all I can think about is...
...how to win her back.
For 2016 I gave up smoking, for 2017 I gave up drinking.
For 2018 I gave up compulsive lying.
I was once friends with a compulsive liar that "ate tiny insects"...
Everything that came out of his mouth was lice.
My doctor told me I'm a hypochondriac and a compulsive liar.
I'm not too worried about it.
I've started a group for compulsive talkers
It's call On and On Anon.
What do you call a compulsive liar who's also an astronaut, a billionaire, and a nascar driver?
Me.
My girlfriend says I'm a fantasist and a compulsive liar.
That's a bit rich coming from someone who doesn't exist.
A patient walks into a therapist's office.
The patient says "You would not believe the week I've had".
The doctor says "No. You're a compulsive liar, that's why you're here."
What are the symptoms of a compulsive lisr?
I would check but I don't have internet connection...
Hi I'm Greg, and I'm a compulsive liar...
"We don't believe you"
Whattaya call someone who seems to have an almost fetishistic obsession with stomping into a comments section, saying something absolutely horrible, and spending the rest of the day slapfighting with whole threads of people calling them an idiot?
A compulsive mass debater.
Are you a compulsive spender?
Buy this $1 Quiz today to find out!
Quiz results: 100% of people who bought this quiz were identified as compulsive spenders.
What do a cattle farmer and a compulsive gambler have in common?
They're both interested in raising the stakes/steaks.
My wife is a compulsive plant freak. She's filled our house with all manner of potted plants that she picks up at yard sales and give aways!
I think she's a hoarder-culturist.
The compulsive liar goes to the doctor
Patient: "Doctor I'm constipated! I haven't been to the bathroom for 10 whole weeks!"
Doctor: "I think you are full of s**...!"
Patient: "That's what I'm saying!"
Two dogs are sitting in a field.
First dog turns to the second dog and says d**... man you smell like s**...! Have you been rolling in s**...?
Yep.
Wow. That is foul. Is it like a compulsive behavior?
Nope.
Do you do it to cover your scent up, like to ward off predators?
Nope.
Is it some weird f**... that gets you off?
Nope.
Then why would you roll in such pungent p**...!?
So I can sit in peace and not be bothered. Figures it wouldn't work on a German Shepherd
Me and my friends from the obsessive compulsive support group are starting a rock cover band.
We're calling ourselves OC/DC.
Obsessive Compulsive...
The representative body that supports people who suffer from OCD have petitioned the Government to change the acronym to CDO in alphabetical order the way it should be...
My girlfriend broke up with me because I am a compulsive gambler
Ever since, all I can think about is how to win her back
