Completely Jokes
107 completely jokes and hilarious completely puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about completely that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article will provide laughs with completely stupid and tasteless jokes. You'll be able to visibly see the effects of these jokes immediately, as they are downright hilarious. Come read the article and have your sides splitting!
Quick Jump To
- Short Completely Jokes
- Completely One Liners
- Completely Stupid Jokes
- Completely Tasteless Jokes
- More Completely Jokes
Funniest Completely Short Jokes
Short completely jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The completely humour may include short totally jokes also.
- So Tekashi69 could face life in prison Which is nice because we might finally get to see a mumble rapper completing a sentence
- My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning It's a girl and weigh 7lbs 12 oz
- I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today. It's my thirty-second birthday.
- Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space. It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.
- Yesterday, the doctor told me I was colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
- I'm glad the cave rescue is complete.... Now when I google thai boys I can get back to normal results
- I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West... ...could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone...
- One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage I accidentally texted my wife I'm having a wonderful time. I wish you were her.
- TIL the American flag on the moon has turned into the french flag. Due to solar radiation, the red and blue pigment has disappeared, leaving the flag to be completely white.
- If I'm being subjective, I'd say that the greatest hero in Sci Fi is Doctor Who. But if I'm being completely objective... I'd say it's Doctor Whom.
^*
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Completely One Liners
Which completely one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with completely? I can suggest the ones about fully and absolutely.
- simulation of monkey pressing button simulation complete
- I just found out I'm colorblind The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
- A flashbang would be completely ineffective against Helen Keller. Because she's dead.
- I broke my finger today... But on the other hand I am completely fine.
- I just found out that I'm colorblind It completely came out of the purple
- I completely misunderstood Pride month… Anyway, who wants to buy 12 lions?
- This morning, the doctor told me I was colorblind. It came completely out of the orange.
- Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar. I am completely dismayed
- Every program I write is completely error-free No exceptions!
- What do you call a super hero completely made of ice? Justice
- Why couldn't Jesus complete the crossword? Because he got stuck on 2 across
- Now that the movie Titanic is 25 years old Leo has completely lost interest in it.
- I was just diagnosed with colorblindness The result came completely out of the purple
- My paper aeroplane won't fly. It's completely stationery.
- The Queen just phoned to say I have won a knighthood! It was a complete Sir prize
Completely Stupid Jokes
Here is a list of funny completely stupid jokes and even better completely stupid puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If we took the collective stupidity of every low-life imbecile known since the evolution of man, it might be close to the complete lack of brain function you possess.
- 95% of people are completely s**... Luckily, I'm in the other 10%
- Three men of different ethnicities walk into a bar. The first two say something smart. The third completely embarrasses his countrymen by saying something s**....
- I had dinner with my mother in law the other night. Was gonna ask "would you to pass the salt, please" But instead my tounge twisted and I said
"You s**... cow. You've completely ruined my life." - What's green, s**..., and completely in the n**...? /b/
Completely Tasteless Jokes
Here is a list of funny completely tasteless jokes and even better completely tasteless puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Am I the only one who finds jokes about Paul Walker completely tasteless? They could really use some nice, chunky salsa to spice them up.
- I was so hungry that I e**... tongue It was completely tasteless!
Howlingly Hilarious Completely Jokes for an Unforgettable Evening
What funny jokes about completely you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean purely jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make completely pranks.
My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.
She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.
I scared the postman today by going to the door completely n**....
I'm not sure what scared him more. My n**... body or the fact I knew where he lived
I'm a 5G installation engineer and people are constantly accusing me with bizarre conspiracy theories, such as how 5G is giving them headaches, or killing their s**.... I think they are completely crazy.
4G must've fried their brains.
A man walks into a brain store to buy a new brain
He goes to the clerk and says
"Hello, I'd like to purchase a new brain".
The clerk replies with "Sure, here are some of our brains we have on sale"
"Here's the brain of a physicist, 5 dollars."
"Here's our second deal for today. The brain of an anti-vaxxer, 10,000 dollars".
The man, completely confused, asks "Why is the brain of an anti-vaxxer more expensive than of a physicist?"
"Because it's never been used" The clerk replies.
A vacuum cleaner salesman came to my door, poured a bag of dog s**... on my carpet and said, "Sir, if this vacuum can't clean it completely, I'll eat whatever's left."
I said, "I hope you're hungry 'cause they cut off the electricity this morning."
So the Pope visits Queen Elizabeth II...
... and she says : "Watch, Francis! With a wave of my hand, I can make every loyal subject go completely hysterical!" So she waves at the crowd and every loyal subject goes completely a**.... So Francis tells her : "Well, Elizabeth, with a wave of my hand, I can give every Scotsman and Irishman eternal joy!" And she replies : "I'd like to see that!" .... So he slaps her.
I'm in an age gap relationship.
I'm 40, she's 19.
Anyway, we went out for a meal, as soon as we walked in the restaurant people shot me dirty looks, then the whispering started "nonce", "pervert" "paedo.
My girlfriend got upset and we left.
Completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.
are you sure I'm drunk?
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in pal. You're obviously drunk."
The wasted man asked, "Officer, are you absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah buddy, I'm sure," said the cop, "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness. I thought I was crippled."
Little Billy comes home early from school, only to find his Dad m**... in the living room...
As Billy is quite young, he is shocked and confused at what he is seeing. His Dad tries to explain:
"Don't be scared, Billy. I'm not hurting myself, I'm doing something completely normal. In fact, you are going to start doing it pretty soon as well."
"Why is that, Dad?", young Billy asks.
"Because, son, my hand is getting tired and I need someone to take over."
I COMPLETELY disagree with Trump's military trans ban...
I mean, wouldn't all those attack helicopters be useful??
Four college students get drunk together the night before their final exam.
They get so drunk that they wake up late and miss their exam. The four students go to the professor together and explain this elaborate lie that their car tire went flat when they were on their way to the exam. They beg for a retest, and the professor agrees.
The day of the makeup test, the four boys all arrive on time, completely sober. The professor looks at the boys, looks at his watch, and says you may begin the test.
The boys open the final booklet and to their surprise, they each only have one question.
Which tire was flat?
My friend told me I make him feel uncomfortable because I violate his personal space...
It was a very hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath.
A lady almost 9 months pregnant falls down some stairs and knocks herself out...
When she wakes up, she is in a hospital bed.
Doctor: "We had to deliver your fraternal twins while you slept, but they are completely healthy. Also, your brother stopped by and named them for you"
New Mother: "My brother named them? But he's an idiot! What are their names?"
Doctor: "Well, the little girl is named Denise."
New Mother: "Well, that's not so bad. What about my son?"
Doctor: "Denephew."
New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend's m**....
Footprints
A bounty hunter rides into town with a completely sealed box.
He goes up the the mayor, holds up the bounty, and says, I've got your bandit just as you requested 'dead and alive'.
The mayor says, not 'dead AND alive', 'dead OR alive'.
The bounty hunter looks at the bounty and then at the box and then at the mayor, and says, I guess we should open the box then.
TIL the american flag planted on the moon is now completely white due to radiation from the sun.
Great, now future archeologists are gonna think the French got there first.
Interviewer: Is the glass half empty or half full?
Applicant: It's completely full.
Interviewer: We'd be glad to hire you. Welcome to the Lays factory.
My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Body like a Greek statue...
Completely pale, no arms.
One of my friends told me I make people uncomfortable by often invading people's personal space
I found this really hurtful, it completely ruined our bath
I just found out I'm colour blind
The diagnosis came completely out of the green.
(Courtesy of a family member)
A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
- Jane ate her friend's sandwich.
-
- - Jane ate her friend's colon.
After 10 years, the wife thinks their kid looks kind of strange
She decides to take a DNA test. She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you."
Husband: "What's up?"
Wife: "According to the DNA test results, this isn't our kid."
Husband: "Well, you don't remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed our baby had pooped. You said: Please go change the baby, I'll wait for you here."
Saw my doctor today and showed him the bleeding coming out of my a**....
He completely ignored me, and carried on pushing his shopping basket in Walmart
My friend said that I make people uncomfortable by invading their personal space.
It was a very hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.
How many Game of Thrones seasons does it take to change a lightbulb?
Eight, if you want to screw it completely.
When the US went to the moon....
...they planted the American Flag. After all these years the radiation from the Sun will have bleached it completely white, so now if Aliens find it they are going to think the French were there first.
Adding a colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence
For example:
Jeffrey ate John's sandwich.
Jeffrey ate John's colon.
Today my doctor told me I was colorblind.
The results came completely out of the purple...
I tried to translate my German grandfathers' favorite joke
A woman walks past a pet shop. In front of the store there is a cage with a parrot, that suddenly starts talking to the woman: "You're ugly"
The woman quickly walks away.
At the next day the woman again walks past the shop and the parrot again says "You're ugly".
This time the woman goes in the shop and complains to the salesman.
The salesman apologizes and tells the parrot to not say this ever again.
The next day the woman again walks past the pet shop and is happy to see the parrot turned completely silent. Provokingly she slows down. Suddenly the parrot starts screeching:
"I'm not saying anything but you know it!"
My 11 yo son got out the car at school the other morning, right at the moment the gritter was driving by us spraying rock salt everywhere..
He got straight back in the car, looked at me with a completely serious face and said I've just been assaulted .
ETA: thank you so much for the awards, I showed him some (SOME!) of the comments 😂 and it made his day, he was delighted that people actually enjoyed his joke to even just upvote and comment on it but actually couldn't believe that people actually awarded it too ( people gave Reddit awards to it?? For my joke?? Like, did they actually mum or are you just saying that?! so yea, thank you kind Redditors for making my 11yo extremely happy! You guys are the best 😊
What's the difference between a cult and a religion?
In a cult, there's always at least one person at the top who's completely crazy, or who knows it's all a scam...
In a religion, that guy's dead!
Ever since I went through with my s**... change operation my kids have been completely ignoring me
It's like I'm transparent.
I scared my mailman by showing up at the door completely n**...
I'm not sure what scared him more; me being n**... or me knowing where he lives.
Touched by Jesus
Saying that you were touched by Jesus is a completely different story in a Mexican prison.
I was completely shocked today when my doctor told me I was colour blind..
It came completely out of the green
Trump lysol joke
President Trump is completely right about coronavirus treatment.
If you eat chloroquine phosphate, drink a pint of Chlorox, shoot-up rubbing alcohol, shove a flashlight up your a**..., and c**... on a tanning bed, you will never get Covid-19
PresidentTrump is completely right about coronavirus treatment.
If you eat chloroquine phosphate, drink a pint of Chlorox, shoot-up rubbing alcohol, shove a flashlight up your a**..., and c**... on a tanning bed, you will never get Covid-19.
I surprised my mailman by opening the door completely n**... this morning
I don't know which part shocked him the most, my n**... or that I know where he lives
Just found out watermelons are 92% water......
In completely unrelated news, I'm never eating another k**....
I Think My Toilet Has Anger Issues
Whenever I flush it, it completely loses its s**....
I went drinking with a human centipede
The first guy could hold his liquor.
The rest if them got completely s**....
The difference between 'Complete' and 'Finished'
When you marry the right girl, you are complete.
When you marry the wrong girl, you are finished.
And when the right girl catches you with the wrong girl, you are completely finished!
There are hundreds of features on a brand-new BMW; heated seats, bluetooth audio, laser-headlights, etc... Which among them goes completely ignored?
The turn signals.
Remember in Monopoly, when some insufferable kids couldn't agree who was banker, they'd refuse to play completely?
Welcome to the shutdown...
In school, the teacher warns her students...
..."I will not tolerate any excuses for any kind. I might consider a nuclear attack, serious injury or even the death of a relative, but whoever misses this exam will fail the class."
The class's wise-guy says:
"But teacher, what if tomorrow I arrive to class completely exhausted from last night's amazing s**...?"
The teacher says:
"Well I guess you'll have to do the exam with your left hand, then."
TIL the American flag on the moon is now bleached completely white by the sun so historians and/or other species would never know it was America that first landed on the moon
They'll think it was France
Squirrels are like cigarettes.
They are completely harmless until you stick one in your mouth and light them on fire.
A police officer pulls a guy over.....
and the driver rolls down his window and asks why he is being pulled over. The cop explains that he didn't completely stop at the stop sign. The driver says: I slowed down and took a look. The cop grabs him through the window, pulls his head out, and starts slapping him in the face with his summons book repeatedly. After about twenty slaps, the cop asks him:
Do you want me to stop or slow down?
An Irish man is pulled from a burning bar..
He is completely covered in soot and smells strongly of smoke.
When asked about how the fire started the man says "d**... if I know, the place was in blazes when I got 'ere!"
The following text messages were exchanged on a cold winters day.
Wife: Windows frozen.
Husband: Pour some warm water over them.
Wife: Computer completely s**... up now.
I freaked out my mailman today
I freaked out my mailman today when I came to the door completely n**.... I'm not sure what shocked him more, my n**... body, or the fact that I knew where he lived.
Polish, Ukrainian and Russian babies get mixed up in the hospital
Now, parents are trying to figure out which baby belongs to which parent.
Ukrainian decides to go first and yells "Slava Ukraini!"
One baby immediately jumps up and pulls into the attention position.
Ukrainian knows that's their baby and picks it up.
Polish takes the second baby and Russian looks completely confused.
"How did you know the second baby is yours?" asks the Russian.
"The one who smiled when Ukrainian yelled is mine" Polish answered, "but the one who wetted the nursing bed, is yours."
Kiss The Mirror
A middle school for girls was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called several of the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how much work they were making for the custodian, she asked him to clean one of the mirrors while the girls watched. The custodian took a long-handled brush, dipped it into the nearest toilet, and proceeded to scrub the mirror. From that day on, the problem of lip prints on the mirrors was completely eliminated.
My friend looked completely shaken. He said that he had just slept with his 3rd cousin.
I said, If it upsets you so much, stop counting them.
I completely understand parents who choose not to vaccinate their children...
...because they all got vaccinated as children, and obviously turned out r**....
Cooling yourself to -273C is completely fine...
If you do, you'll be 0K!
I just became a Dad two months ago and I'm still practicing my Dad jokes, bear with me.
Don't worry though, he's a trained bear and completely under control.
What's the difference between men and women when watching video?
The phrase I went through a whole box of tissues watching that film. usually has a completely different meaning.
Tinder is completely useless, and I don't have a single match
If I don't find another way to start a campfire tonight, I'll freeze to death.
I didn't tell anybody but I volunteered for the Russian vaccine trials for C-19 in Amsterdam
I received my first shot today and wanted to let you all know that it's completely safe with иo side effects whatsoeveя, and that I feelshκι χoρoshό я чувствую себя немного странно
Some bloke started talking to me in the pub last night.
"My mate came off his motorbike today," he said.
"Oh really?" I asked.
"Yes," he replied. "He has slight brain damage, two broken arms and is completely blind in one eye."
"Blimey," I said. "No wonder he came off it then."
I made a Jesus joke today...
And I completely nailed it.
(Please don't crucify me this was just for a pun)
A joke my mom told me when i was younger
An irish man decides to go for a drink after work. He goes to a local pub and has way too many and when the end of the night comes hes completely plastered. He goes to stand up and immediately falls right on his face. He crawls all the way home and crawls into bed and falls asleep. In the morning his wife yells wake up! Were you drinking at the pub again? The man says no! She says your lying, i know you were there! He says how do you know that? She says you left your wheelchair there again!
The US flag on the moon lost its color and is now completely white
It's now the French flag.
