Complete Jokes

Following is our collection of rigorous puns and haste one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Complete jokes for adults, dirty perfect jokes and clean phallusy dad gags for kids.

The Best Complete Puns

I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.

It's my thirty-second birthday.

A college professor reminds her class of the next day's final exam saying, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever"

A guy sitting at the back asks, What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.

I'm glad the cave rescue is complete....

Now when I google Thai boys I can get back to normal results

TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year's Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil.

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

After his team was eliminated from the World Cup,

The Nigerian captain personally offered to refund all expenses that fans of his country paid for to travel to Brazil.

According to sources close to the player, he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transactions.


I COMPLETELY disagree with Trump's military trans ban...

I mean, wouldn't all those attack helicopters be useful??

Man tries to open a bank account

Teller asks him : "Your name?"
"J-j-jj-hhh-on S-ss-mm-i-tthh"
"Oh you stutter?"
"No my dad did but the person who did by birth certificate was a complete moron."

During my annual physical, my doctor was going over the results of my blood work with me. After analyzing the results he looked up and told me I was going to need to quit masturbating.

I asked, *Why??*

He said, Because. I'm trying to complete your examination and you're making things really awkward right now.

I was completely shocked today when my doctor told me I was colour blind..

It came completely out of the green

Why couldn't Jesus complete the crossword?

Because he got stuck on 2 across

A college teacher said this about the finals tomorrow.

She said "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tommorow. I might consider something like a car crash, or trump wins, but that's all. A student in the back of the room asked "What if i was suffering from complete sexual exhaustion?" The whole class laughed, but was silenced when the teacher said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand"


The difference between 'Complete' and 'Finished'

When you marry the right girl, you are complete.

When you marry the wrong girl, you are finished.

And when the right girl catches you with the wrong girl, you are completely finished!

Abortion clinics should be banned

Those doctors demonstrate a complete lack of humanity. Spawn killing is a filthy tactic.

I went to the doctor today...

He had me take off my clothes and put on a gown so he could complete a full physical. I was worried I would be receiving a prostate exam. Anyways, he walked back in and had me pull my gown up for the ole turn your head and cough check. When I did he took one look at me and said, "Very interesting....You have got to stop masturbating." I asked why, he said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

I spent all morning gluing watches together to make a belt...

It was a complete waist of time.

Is Google a Boy or a Girl?

A girl, because it tries to complete your sentences for you, and it *never ever* forgets what you said.

I completely understand parents who choose not to vaccinate their children...

...because they all got vaccinated as children, and obviously turned out retarded.

Why are uncircumcised people loners?

Because they're complete dicks.

5 out of six researchers conclude,

Russian roulette is complete safe.


Is Google a boy or a girl ?

Google is a Girl because it won't let you complete
the whole sentence and starts guessing, suggesting and
you ask only one question,
but get hundreds of irrelevant answers in seconds...

Think New Yorkers don't get along? I just saw two complete strangers share a cab...

One took the wheels and tires, the other took the battery and the radio.

I bought a ceiling fan the other day.

Complete waste of money. All he does is stand there applauding and saying he loves how smooth it is.

Remember…you are not completely useless.

You can always serve as a bad example.

I just completed a puzzle in 6 months

despite it saying 4 - 6 years on the box.

I'm proud to announce my dream of being a criminal lawyer is halfway complete!

I'm just working on the lawyer part right now.

A man went to a brain store to get a brain to complete a study.

He sees a sign indicating the nationality of each type of brain. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.

"How much does it cost for an Americans brain?"

"Three dollars an ounce."

"How much does it cost for a Japaneese brain?"

"ten dollars an ounce."

"How much for a Frenchmen's brain?"

"$1,000 an ounce."

"Why is a Frenchmen's brain so much more?"

"Do you know how many French men we had to use to get one ounce of brain?"

A European missionary goes to an African tribe...

... and asks the tribeleader if he may stay with them. The leader agrees on one condition: No white child can be born.

However, 9 months later, a woman is discovered with a white child.
The leader summons the missonary to explain himself. The missionary looks out the window and shows the leader a herd of sheep and says:
" As you can see, all the sheep are white, yet one of them is black... "

In complete distress, the tribeleader exclaims: " Allright, I won't say anything about your child, as long as you don't say anything about the sheep!"

Today I had dinner with my boss and his wife

It was a complete disaster. The wife asked me "how many potatoes would you like?" and I said "I'll just have one". She said "it's alright, you dont have to be polite", and I said "alright then, I'll just have one you stupid cow".

^^^thanks ^^^to ^^^Tim ^^^Vine

A policeman knocked on my door this morning...

A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.

After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.
The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.

Then he decided to look through the window.
He shouted, "Do you think I'm stupid? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door."
I said, "You're not coming in mate!"


He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."

UN Food Survey Fails...

UN Phone Survey

Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a complete failure because:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And in Australia , New Zealand and Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

Rumours of a food shortage.....

Rumours of a food shortage at this year's Spoonerism Awards turned out to be a complete lack of pies.

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain

"I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."

"Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman.

"I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

"Because that's a microwave."

A woman is in a coma and her nurses are giving her a sponge bath

They notice when they get near her lower area that her vital signs improve a little. They think oral sex may bring her out of her coma. They go in the waiting room and tell her husband their theory and assure him they will have complete privacy. The nurses leave and come back 15 minutes later and the woman is flat-lined. What happened?? Yelled the nurse. Her husband replies, I don't know...I think she choked.

Don't Ever Let Him See You Completely Naked

The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of
marriage, and passed them on to her daughter.
"Never let your husband see you in the nude," she advised. "You
should always wear something."
"Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl.
Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband
were preparing to retire when the guy asked, "Dear, has there
ever been any insanity in your family?"
"Not that I know of," she answered. "Why?"
"Well, we've been married for two weeks now and every night
you've worn that silly hat to bed."

There are some eerie similarities between the assassinations of President Lincoln and Kennedy...

Lincoln was elected into Congress in 1846.
JFK was elected into Congress in 1946.

Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
JFK was elected President in 1960.

Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy.
Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln.

A week before he died, Lincoln was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before he died, Kennedy was in Marilyn Monroe.

---
Credit goes to the play: The Complete History of America: Abridged

I am completely obsessed with collecting magazines.

What can I say, I have issues.

Here's my complete guide on the art of Trolling:

I just got some Sudoku toilet paper

Sadly, I can't complete it because I can only fill it with 1s and 2s.

My girlfriend got really mad at me today, screaming about how I always have to be right about things and how I'm a complete monster like Frankenstein or something.

Luckily she paused for breath so I was able to point out Frankenstein was the doctor's name.

I have just completed writing a book on reverse psychology.

Please don't buy it.

I just met a girl named ellen

she's the complete inverse of my e^(x)

What food, when consumed by a female, causes a complete loss of desire?

Wedding cake.

Mexico was pretty livid when Donald Trump announced his plan to build a wall along the southern border of the United States...

...But once it's erected and complete, I'm sure they'll manage to get over it.

Paddy's firework party was a complete disaster.


"I don't understand it!" He said. "They all worked fine when I tried them yesterday,"

A man was circumcised in a dodgy alleyway...

He paid close to nothing for it but was not happy as later that day, he was complaining to his friends that it was a complete rip-off.

People say maintaining a long term relationship with a girl is the same as having a full time job. I for one think there complete opposites.

After 10 years, my job still sucks.

Someone asked me what the 9th letter of the Alphabet was.

It was a complete guess, but I was right.

Dave got his wife a French maids costume to get her in the mood but it was a complete waste.



The house is still messed up as usual.

I am completely outraged by JJ Abrahms saying the next Star Wars will have an openly gay character in his science fiction franchise

Star wars is Science Fantasy, not Science Fiction

Did you hear about the new nightclub that opened called "Erectile Dysfunction"?

No? I'm not surprised; it was a complete flop. Nobody came.

My complete lack of knowledge about Greek mythology has always been my achilles elbow.

thanks, Mike!

Never Invest in the Velcro industry.

Its a complete ripoff

I just got completely burnt fries at a restaurant.

It really is Black Fry Day.

Q: How many members of a specified demographic does it take to complete a particular task?

A finite quantity. One to complete the specific task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of persons from said demographic.

A priest is painting the outside of his church...

He realizes he won't have enough paint to complete the job unless he adds water, which he does. When he finishes, a freak rainstorm pops up and his handiwork is lost as all the paint is washed off. From the clouds, a voice calls out:

"Repaint, and thin no more."

The Last Exam

(Sorry for terrible formatting and grammar)

A Philosophy teacher was handing out empty papers for the last exam of the year. The students had one simple task to complete,
They had to convince their teacher that the chair he had placed on the middle of the classroom didn't exist.

After 40 minutes, students returned their answer sheets. All of them had complex sentences and long paragraphs except one.
It had a single sentence.

What chair?

He was the only one to pass the exam.

Why can't Chuck Norris complete forms and applications on the internet?

Because he can't bring himself to click the "submit" button.

I attached all my watches together into a belt today.

It's a complete waist of time.

A woman gives birth to twins and then goes into a coma

When she wakes up, she realises that she is yet to name her child.

Doctor: Oh, don't worry about that miss. Your brother was here while you were unconscious. He named your children.


Mother: What!? My brother is a complete idiot! Oh God, what did he name my daughter?


Doctor: Denise


Mother: Oh, I guess that's not too bad. What a relief. And what did he name my son?


Doctor: ....Denephew

Some wisdom from my mother

If you end up with a good girl, then your life is complete.

If you end up with a bad girl, then your life is finished.

But if your good girl catches you in bed with a bad girl, then you're completely finished.

A mother and son were washing dishes while...

...the father and daughter were watching TV in the family room.

Suddenly, there was a crash of breaking dishes, then complete silence.

The girl looked at her dad and said, "It was Mom."

"How do you know?"

"She didn't say anything."

My wife just flipped out at me for not being sympathetic about her time of the month

It was a complete ovary action.

FOR SALE BY OWNER

Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition $1,000 or best offer.


No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything.

A kid comes to his father and asks him what's the difference between hypothetical and practical?

The father says go to your mother and sister, and ask them if they'd have sex with a complete stranger for one million dollars

The little kid does so and comes back to his dad... they both said yes he told him

Well then says the father *hypothetically* we have two million dollars in the bank... but *practically* we live with two whores

Old one but a good one

If you marry the right one
You are complete.
If you marry the wrong one
You are finished!
But if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are completely finished!!!

How many project managers does it take to change a light bulb?

Trick question. They can't actually do it. But they can record what percentage is complete.

I don't understand Facebook.

If I wanted to convince complete strangers that my life was better than theirs I'd become a rapper.

The REAL difference between "complete" and finish "finish"

You can't complete on a girl's face

Three Nurses working in a morgue discover a man with a hard on.

The first nurse says, "I can't let that go to waste!" and rides him.

The second nurse does the same thing.

The third nurse, who was on her period, hesitates but does it anyways.



Then the man wakes up, and in complete shock, the nurses apologise, saying they thought he was dead. The man replies, "I was! But after two jump-starts and a blood transfusion, I feel great!"

While having a bath, a woman hears the doorbell.

"Who is it?" The woman asks.
"It's me! Your blind neighbour!" Replies a manly voice.

The woman thinks to herself "well if it's the blind man, I don't need to put anything on." And opens the door naked.

The blind man in complete shock says "I..... I just came here to tell you that my operation was successful and I can see everything now."

This guy stopped me in the street.

"Sir," he said, "have you got a few minutes to complete a survey on priorities?"

I said, "Yes," and walked away.

Once I had completed my final exam, my professor told me to turn it in to one of the teaching assistants.

Good thing I have been practicing my origami.

Food scientists have finally managed to remove the mint flavor from gum

The ex-spearmint was a complete success

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED

Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. I beg to differ because, there is...

When you marry the right woman, you are "COMPLETE."

And when you marry the wrong one, you are "FINISHED!"

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED"

After 5 years of being married, the wife finds $7.500,00 and 4 eggs on the top of the wardrobe.

Perplexed, she goes running to her husband to ask what that was about, and he says:

- Honey, during these 5 years together, everytime you irritate me I get an egg and put it on the top of the wardrobe.

The wife gets happy because there were only 4 eggs, and then asks:

- But what about the $7.500,00 ?

He answers:

- Every time I complete one dozen, I sell it.

A mother decides to do something about her noisy children.

A mother is raising several children. The problem is, at least one of them is always being loud and the others want things quiet.

She has two rooms at the end of the hallway of her house; one on the left side and one on the right side. She decides to designate one room for being noisy, and the other for complete quiet.

Which room can her children be noisy in?

.

.

.

.

.

The left room, because they have the right to remain silent.

There is an abundance of arbitrary jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 76 funniest jokes and complete puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any consummate witze you can hear about complete.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes