Cheeky Complete Jokes to Experience Good Cheer & Frivolity
I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.
It's my thirty-second birthday.
A priest is painting the outside of his church...
He realizes he won't have enough paint to complete the job unless he adds water, which he does. When he finishes, a freak rainstorm pops up and his handiwork is lost as all the paint is washed off. From the clouds, a voice calls out:
"Repaint, and thin no more."
The difference between 'Complete' and 'Finished'
When you marry the right girl, you are complete.
When you marry the wrong girl, you are finished.
And when the right girl catches you with the wrong girl, you are completely finished!
p**...'s firework party was a complete disaster.
"I don't understand it!" He said. "They all worked fine when I tried them yesterday,"
Rumours of a food shortage.....
Rumours of a food shortage at this year's Spoonerism Awards turned out to be a complete lack of pies.
I just met a girl named ellen
she's the complete inverse of my e^(x)
After his team was eliminated from the World Cup,
The Nigerian captain personally offered to refund all expenses that fans of his country paid for to travel to Brazil.
According to sources close to the player, he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transactions.
A mother and son were washing dishes while...
...the father and daughter were watching TV in the family room.
Suddenly, there was a c**... of breaking dishes, then complete silence.
The girl looked at her dad and said, "It was Mom."
"How do you know?"
"She didn't say anything."
I am completely obsessed with collecting magazines.
What can I say, I have issues.
There are some eerie similarities between the assassinations of President Lincoln and Kennedy...
Lincoln was elected into Congress in 1846.
JFK was elected into Congress in 1946.
Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
JFK was elected President in 1960.
Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy.
Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln.
A week before he died, Lincoln was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before he died, Kennedy was in Marilyn Monroe.
---
Credit goes to the play: The Complete History of America: Abridged
Did you hear about the new nightclub that opened called "Erectile Dysfunction"?
No? I'm not surprised; it was a complete flop. Nobody came.
You can explore complete rigorous reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean complete perfect dad jokes. There are also complete puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
UN Food Survey Fails...
UN Phone Survey
Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a complete failure because:
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
And in Australia , New Zealand and Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
I was completely shocked today when my doctor told me I was colour blind..
It came completely out of the green
I completely understand parents who choose not to vaccinate their children...
...because they all got vaccinated as children, and obviously turned out r**....
Here's my complete guide on the art of Trolling:
A policeman knocked on my door this morning...
A policeman knocked on my door this morning, but I just locked it and sat there in complete silence.
After 20 seconds he knocked again, but I just continued to ignore it.
The knocks got louder and more frequent but I was determined not to move in the hope that he would just go away.
Then he decided to look through the window.
He shouted, "Do you think I'm s**...? I can see you in there, sir. Open the door."
I said, "You're not coming in mate!"
He said, "I don't want to come in, I just want you to step out of the car."
Is Google a Boy or a Girl?
A girl, because it tries to complete your sentences for you, and it *never ever* forgets what you said.
My complete lack of knowledge about Greek mythology has always been my achilles elbow.
thanks, Mike!
A woman is in a coma and her nurses are giving her a sponge bath
They notice when they get near her lower area that her vital signs improve a little. They think o**... s**... may bring her out of her coma. They go in the waiting room and tell her husband their theory and assure him they will have complete privacy. The nurses leave and come back 15 minutes later and the woman is flat-lined. What happened?? Yelled the nurse. Her husband replies, I don't know...I think she choked.
A woman gives birth to twins and then goes into a coma
When she wakes up, she realises that she is yet to name her child.
Doctor: Oh, don't worry about that miss. Your brother was here while you were unconscious. He named your children.
Mother: What!? My brother is a complete idiot! Oh God, what did he name my daughter?
Doctor: Denise
Mother: Oh, I guess that's not too bad. What a relief. And what did he name my son?
Doctor: ....Denephew
A European m**... goes to an African tribe...
... and asks the tribeleader if he may stay with them. The leader agrees on one condition: No white child can be born.
However, 9 months later, a woman is discovered with a white child.
The leader summons the missonary to explain himself. The m**... looks out the window and shows the leader a herd of sheep and says:
" As you can see, all the sheep are white, yet one of them is black... "
In complete distress, the tribeleader exclaims: " Allright, I won't say anything about your child, as long as you don't say anything about the sheep!"
Don't Ever Let Him See You Completely n**...
The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of
marriage, and passed them on to her daughter.
"Never let your husband see you in the n**...," she advised. "You
should always wear something."
"Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl.
Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband
were preparing to retire when the guy asked, "Dear, has there
ever been any insanity in your family?"
"Not that I know of," she answered. "Why?"
"Well, we've been married for two weeks now and every night
you've worn that silly hat to bed."
What food, when consumed by a female, causes a complete loss of desire?
Wedding cake.
I am completely outraged by JJ Abrahms saying the next Star Wars will have an openly gay character in his science fiction franchise
Star wars is Science Fantasy, not Science Fiction
I bought a ceiling fan the other day.
Complete waste of money. All he does is stand there applauding and saying he loves how smooth it is.
I attached all my watches together into a belt today.
It's a complete waist of time.
Why are uncircumcised people loners?
Because they're complete d**....
5 out of six researchers conclude,
Russian roulette is complete safe.
TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year's Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil.
He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.
Mexico was pretty livid when Donald Trump announced his plan to build a wall along the southern border of the United States...
...But once it's erected and complete, I'm sure they'll manage to get over it.
Today I had dinner with my boss and his wife
It was a complete disaster. The wife asked me "how many potatoes would you like?" and I said "I'll just have one". She said "it's alright, you dont have to be polite", and I said "alright then, I'll just have one you s**... cow".
A college teacher said this about the finals tomorrow.
She said "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tommorow. I might consider something like a car c**..., or trump wins, but that's all. A student in the back of the room asked "What if i was suffering from complete s**... exhaustion?" The whole class laughed, but was silenced when the teacher said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand"
A man was circumcised in a dodgy alleyway...
He paid close to nothing for it but was not happy as later that day, he was complaining to his friends that it was a complete rip-off.
Why can't Chuck Norris complete forms and applications on the internet?
Because he can't bring himself to click the "submit" button.
I just completed a puzzle in 6 months
despite it saying 4 - 6 years on the box.
Q: How many members of a specified demographic does it take to complete a particular task?
A finite quantity. One to complete the specific task and the remainder to act in a manner stereotypical of persons from said demographic.
Abortion clinics should be banned
Those doctors demonstrate a complete lack of humanity. Spawn killing is a filthy tactic.
Is Google a boy or a girl ?
Google is a Girl because it won't let you complete
the whole sentence and starts guessing, suggesting and
you ask only one question,
but get hundreds of irrelevant answers in seconds...
Man tries to open a bank account
Teller asks him : "Your name?"
"J-j-jj-hhh-on S-ss-mm-i-tthh"
"Oh you stutter?"
"No my dad did but the person who did by birth certificate was a complete m**...."
I COMPLETELY disagree with Trump's military trans ban...
I mean, wouldn't all those attack helicopters be useful??
I went to the doctor today...
He had me take off my clothes and put on a gown so he could complete a full physical. I was worried I would be receiving a prostate exam. Anyways, he walked back in and had me pull my gown up for the ole turn your head and cough check. When I did he took one look at me and said, "Very interesting....You have got to stop m**...." I asked why, he said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."
Think New Yorkers don't get along? I just saw two complete strangers share a cab...
One took the wheels and tires, the other took the battery and the radio.
I just got completely burnt fries at a restaurant.
It really is Black Fry Day.
A man went to a brain store to get a brain to complete a study.
He sees a sign indicating the nationality of each type of brain. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.
"How much does it cost for an Americans brain?"
"Three dollars an ounce."
"How much does it cost for a Japaneese brain?"
"ten dollars an ounce."
"How much for a Frenchmen's brain?"
"$1,000 an ounce."
"Why is a Frenchmen's brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many French men we had to use to get one ounce of brain?"
Remember…you are not completely useless.
You can always serve as a bad example.
During my annual physical, my doctor was going over the results of my blood work with me. After analyzing the results he looked up and told me I was going to need to quit m**....
I asked, *Why??*
He said, Because. I'm trying to complete your examination and you're making things really awkward right now.
Never Invest in the Velcro industry.
Its a complete ripoff
I spent all morning gluing watches together to make a belt...
It was a complete waist of time.
I'm proud to announce my dream of being a criminal lawyer is halfway complete!
I'm just working on the lawyer part right now.
People say maintaining a long term relationship with a girl is the same as having a full time job. I for one think there complete opposites.
After 10 years, my job still s**....
I just got some Sudoku toilet paper
Sadly, I can't complete it because I can only fill it with 1s and 2s.
I'm glad the cave rescue is complete....
Now when I google Thai boys I can get back to normal results
The Last Exam
(Sorry for terrible formatting and grammar)
A Philosophy teacher was handing out empty papers for the last exam of the year. The students had one simple task to complete,
They had to convince their teacher that the chair he had placed on the middle of the classroom didn't exist.
After 40 minutes, students returned their answer sheets. All of them had complex sentences and long paragraphs except one.
It had a single sentence.
What chair?
He was the only one to pass the exam.
Dave got his wife a French maids costume to get her in the mood but it was a complete waste.
The house is still messed up as usual.
A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain
"I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time; haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman.
"I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave."
Someone asked me what the 9th letter of the Alphabet was.
It was a complete guess, but I was right.
A college professor reminds her class of the next day's final exam saying, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever"
A guy sitting at the back asks, What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter s**... exhaustion?"
The teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, and says, Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.
I have just completed writing a book on reverse psychology.
Please don't buy it.
Why couldn't Jesus complete the crossword?
Because he got stuck on 2 across
My girlfriend got really mad at me today, screaming about how I always have to be right about things and how I'm a complete monster like Frankenstein or something.
Luckily she paused for breath so I was able to point out Frankenstein was the doctor's name.
A lot of people are roasting Cleaver on saying "Awoman"...
I mean, I know that "Amen" comes from Hebrew and means "so be it", and therefore "Awoman" would make no sense in Hebrew.
In Shebrew, however, it makes complete sense!!!
They should completely decriminalize w**....
Those who disagree should get s**....
My brother who stutters was sent to prison.
I feel bad knowing he will never complete his sentence.
I completely misunderstood pride month...
Who wants to buy 15 lions?
Completely misunderstood pride month.
Does anyone want to buy 15 lions?
A cheese sandwich is better than complete happiness
Because nothing is better than complete happiness, and a cheese sandwich is better than nothing.
I applied to every single college fraternity
But I was refused membership in all the fraternities because I was circumcised.
Apparently they only accept complete d**....
How do you complete a family tree easily?
Post on social media that you won the lottery.
A software tester walks into a bar.
Runs into a bar.
Crawls into a bar.
Dances into a bar.
Flies into a bar.
Jumps into a bar.
And orders:
a beer.
2 beers.
0 beers.
99999999 beers.
a lizard in a beer glass.
\-1 beer.
"qwertyuiop" beers.
Testing complete.
A real customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is.
The bar goes up in flames.
A software tester walks into a bar.
Runs into a bar.
Crawls into a bar.
Dances into a bar.
Flies into a bar.
Jumps into a bar.
And orders:
a beer.
2 beers.
0 beers.
99999999 beers.
a lizard in a beer glass.
\-1 beer.
"qwertyuiop" beers.
Testing complete.
A real customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is.
The bar goes up in flames.
It's surprising that the top of Big Ben has taken 5 years to complete.
They must have been working around the clock.
The Queen just phoned to say I have won a knighthood!
It was a complete Sir prize
I completely misunderstood Pride month…
Anyway, who wants to buy 12 lions?
A software tester walks into a bar
Backs into a bar.
Runs into a bar.
Crawls into a bar.
Dances into a bar.
Flies into a bar.
Jumps into a bar.
And orders:
a beer.
2 beers.
0 beers.
987654321 beers.
a lizard in a beer glass.
\-1 beer.
"qwertyuiop" beers.
Testing complete.
A regular customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is.
The bar bursts into flames.
simulation of monkey pressing button
simulation complete
A Italian and a Finnish guy go on a fishing trip
After a couple of hours of complete silence the Italian guy asks: so how is it going?
The Finnish guy turns around and with complete disbelief in his face he replies: Are we chatting or are we fishing!?
A guy walks into a bar
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How you doing today?" the bartender asks. "Actually, earlier today I was feeling really down. Depressed even," the guy says. "But then I parked in a handicapped stall at the grocery store and then I had a bunch of complete strangers rally around me and tell me there was nothing wrong with me."
I went to the doctors because I was sad I couldn't complete the crossword..
He told me not to get 2 down
A man went to the doctor's office for a complete physical.
After all the tests where everything is excellent,he leaves the office and just outside the front door has a massive coronary and dies instantly. The nurse comes to get the doctor and asks him what to do. He comes outside takes a quick exam and says to the nurse Give me a hand and help me turn him around so it looks like he was coming in.
Exam
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.
When the examination was complete, he said, Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.
Well, in plain English, the doctor replied, you're just lazy.
Okay, said the man.
Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.
I got some sudoku toilet paper.
Sadly I can't complete it, since I can only fill it with 1's and 2's.
The chemistry final exams
A chemistry student walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How did your finals go?" the bartender asks. "Not so hot," the student replies. "The instructor asked my class to write 1000 words on acid. Unfortunately, I was unable to complete it as my pen turned to a gorilla and the floor melted."
Transylvanian vampires
There is this annoying stereotype that Transylvanians are vampires. It's complete BS. I've never met one, and I've been around for centuries.
I have a civil service joke to tell
…but before you can hear it you need to complete Form P-994731XT, in triplicate, then have it notarized, then file it with the Department of Jokes, who will review it within 120 days, and if it is approved they'll issue you a Form 771F, which, when filed with the IRS authorizes you to receive an appropriate tax status for said joke, after which upon completion of Form 11 and re-submission to the Department of Jokes you are eligible to enter the Joke Receipt Pool, after which you should receive your joke in 18-24 months.
Someone asked me...
Someone asked me what the 9th letter of the alphabet was, it was a complete guess but I was right
