Complaining Jokes
141 complaining jokes and hilarious complaining puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about complaining that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Complaining Short Jokes
Short complaining jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The complaining humour may include short complained jokes also.
- Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo. After it wouldn't wash off this morning I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlour wasn't there.
- I asked my North korean pen pal how it was like living in North Korea "I can't complain" he wrote back.
- A friend gave me a free guitar the other day, but I've been having trouble playing it I guess I can't complain though, it's not often someone just gives you something with no strings attached
- I'm really tired of people complaining about the price of everything. $2 for coffee, $3 for coat check, $4 for an hour of parking..... ......I'm just going to stop inviting them to my house.
- A man calls quantum IT support and complains that his quantum computer isn't working. quantum IT support: "Have you tried turning it off and on at the same time?"
- I've got a friend who is a structural engineer. He's always complaining about stress at work.
- My father complained "I've been using a dating app, but I'm only meeting Middle Eastern men." Dad, you're using Uber.
- What did Zelensky reply to Putin when he called him to complain about the exploded bridge? Crimea River!
- I ask my friend in North Korea how he likes it there His exact words were... "I can't complain"
Must not be all that bad there. - went to a temporary tatoo parlor it wouldn't wash off so I went back to complain but the shop was gone.
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Complaining One Liners
Which complaining one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with complaining? I can suggest the ones about grumbles and arguing.
- Why are people complaining,what EA did was great! I mean, you've got to give them credit.
- Q : With Britain leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up?
A: 1 GB
- I asked my North Korean friend how it was there He said he couldnt complain
- Just because nobody complains Doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.
- I asked someone in North Korea how their day was going... They replied, "Can't complain."
- I asked a Chinese friend how it was going over there. He said: I can't complain.
- People always ask where is Bigfoot? But never ask How is Bigfoot? Yeti never complains
- I asked my buddy what it's like working at Google. Says he can't complain.
- I asked my North Korean friend how things were over there. He said he couldn't complain.
- Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch... yeti never complains..
- What do all North Korean's say when you ask them how their day was? "can't complain"
- I asked my friend who works in google how it is out there ? He said " can't complain "
- All my friends are constantly complaining that I'm too frugal. I'm not buying it.
- People keep asking me how I'm doing since moving to North Korea Eh, can't complain.
- How's it like living in a totalitarian regime? Can't complain.
Heartwarming Complaining Jokes that Make You Laugh
What funny jokes about complaining you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean whiny jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make complaining pranks.
Helpful Daughter
Little Susie, a six year old , complained:"Mother, I've got a stomach ache."
"That's because our stomach is empty", the mother replied. "You would feel better if you had something in it."
That afternoon her daddy came complaining that he had a severe headache all day.
Susie perked up: " That's because it's empty", she said. "You'd feel better if you had something in it."
So my friend lives in North Korea
And I asked him how it is there.
He replied "Well, I can't complain."
A woman walks into a tattoo parlor.
Asking the man in charge to put a picture of a turkey saying "Happy Thanksgiving!" on one thigh and a picture of Santa saying "Merry Christmas!" on the other. The man looked confused by her odd request, so he asked her why. She calmly looked at him and replied without even a stutter. "My husband always complains that there's nothing good to eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving."
A Pakistani living in England (offensive)
A pakistani who had recently moved to England had been feeling extremely ill for a week and so decided to visit the doctor. The doctor asked what was wrong with him and the Pakistani complained of a terrible headache and sickness. Upon hearing this the doctor told him to get a bucket at home and fill it with fish, human f**... and milk and leave it out in the sun for a couple of days before putting it next to his bed as he slept at night and taking it everywhere with him. Astounded, the Pakistani left and did what he was told despite being surprised that he should do such a thing.
Three days later the Pakistani returned to the doctor "It's a miracle!" he exclaimed"I got better overnight! How could have it worked?" to which the doctor replied "It was simple, you were homesick."
Larry was not a good gift giver.
Every time he gave his wife a gift for Christmas, her birthday, or their anniversary, she complained about what a sucky gift it was. She was starting to get angry.
"Larry, the next time you give me a bad gift, I will light it on fire!"
A week later was Larry's wife's birthday. She came down to see only one small box. She sighed and went to go get a lighter. She opened up the present. It was a candle.
My friends in Germany were complaining that they couldn't find a good bagel anywhere...
well whose fault is that?
A man was walking along the beach with his mother-in-law...
She was complaining about how much of a good-for-nothing husband he was to her daughter, when he saw a bottle on the ground. He picked it up, wondering what it was, when a genie popped out. The genie told the man he could make 3 wishes, but when he saw the mother-in-law, said whatever the man got, the mother-in-law would get double. The man thought for a while and agreed. "I would like 1 million dollars," the man said. "Your wish is granted," said the genie. 1 million dollars was added to the man's banking account, and 2 million to the mother-in-law's. She starts complaining, "Thanks a lot, now I'll have to manage all this money, why do you have to be so selfish?!" The next wish was for a large house, and that wish was granted. This meant the mother-in-law would have a house twice as big, and started complaining about how she would have to clean such a large house, and the taxes would be expensive.
For the man's final wish, he wished to be beaten half to death.
A man goes to his optometrist...
He complains, "Doc, I can't see things far away. What can you do to help?" The optometrist says "Follow me." and heads outside.
He points to the sun and asks the man, "Can you tell me what you see there?" The man replies, "That's the sun, of course!"
The optometrist then says, "How much further do you want to see?!"
A drunk is walking around downtown...
When he walks up to a cop to complain that his car has been stolen.
The cop asks, "Well, where was the last place you saw it?"
The drunk says, "It was right here at the end of this key."
The cop says, "Well, I suggest you go over to the station house and fill out a report."
The drunk starts to walk away when the cop says, "Hey, before you go, you might want to zip your fly."
The drunk looks down and says, "Aw, man, they got my girl, too."
I asked my North Korean friend how he was doing....
...and he responded, "I can't complain."
Computer diagnosis
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your u**..., and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only cost you $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a u**... sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and u**... samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he m**... into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:
1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using c**....
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop m**..., your elbow will never get better.
Muslim Romance
A Muslim wife complains to her husband that all the romance had gone out of their marriage.
Remember when you used to carry me up to bed?", she asked.
"Yes," he replied, but to be fair, you were only nine at the time!
A Irishman, m**... goes to the doctor complaining of stomach pain...
Doctor: "Well I cant find anything wrong with you , it must be the drinking"
m**... : "Ill come back when you're sober Doctor"
I overheard a midget complaining to a police officer that his pocket had been picked.
The officer said 'I can't believe anyone would stoop that low'
When my girlfriend complains about how bad her day was I like to hold her hands
Because shes deaf
Pinocchio and his girlfriend were having problems.
Every time they would have s**..., she would complain about splinters. Eventually, Pinocchio went to Gepetto for help.
Gepetto told Pinocchio to go to the hardware store and buy some sandpaper to sand off the splinters before he had s**... with his girlfriend.
A week later, Gepetto asked Pinocchio, "So how's it going with your girlfriend?"
"Who needs a girlfriend?," said Pinnochio.
Stewardess
Yes, Sir?
I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat, I can't see the in-flight movie and there are no windows blinds so I can't sleep.
Captain, shut up and land the plane.
"I have married a ton of women but not once have I ever had s**.... It's unfair!" a man complained in a bar.
"well," said the bartender, "what were you expecting, Father Peter?"
Sorry... dad joke.
So I got a phone call from the post office today...
...complaining that my dog is attacking a postman on a bike. But I told them "It can't be my dog... he doesn't even know how to ride a bike".
A guy wakes up in hospital after surgery and complains he can't feel his legs
"I know" said the doctor.
"We had to amputate your arms"
A fat man complained to a doctor that obesity runs in the family
The doctor replied: It's not obesity that runs in the family, it's that no one runs in your family.
A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps...
She gets sent off for some test and comes back a week later.
"Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty diapers!" the doc says.
"Wow, you mean I'm pregnant?" the woman replies thrilled.
"No, you've got bowel cancer."
Q: How's your visit in North Korea?
A: Can't complain ...
Two students were complaining about math class.
"I hate math. Well, I really just hate numbers." "What do you mean?" "Take seventeen, for instance. I hate seventeen. There's nothing good about seventeen." "What's so bad about seventeen?" "Nothing really. It's just a prime example."
My girlfriend is always complaining that I make fun of her weight all the time.
I just wish she'd just lighten up a little.
I asked my North Korean friend how it was to live in North Korea...
He says he can't complain.
The bottle said to apply liberally
So I b**... and complained the whole time I used it.
Children are so unappreciative these days.
I bought my daughter a rabbit.
She just keeps complaining about how it "doesn't count if it's roadkill".
I asked a North Korean how his life was going...
He said "can't complain."
Some guy was yelling at me today, complaining about my driving, saying I shouldn't be allowed on the highway…
I'll play golf wherever I want!
My wife keeps complaining about me wearing socks while we have s**...…
I *suppose* a c**... would be better...
A woman goes to the doctor
A woman goes to the doctor complaining of abdominal pains. After a series of tests, the doctor walks back in and says to the lady, "Well, hope you don't mind changing diapers!"
Stunned, she replies, "Oh my God I'm pregnant? I can't be pregnant!"
The doctor looks at her and says, "No, you have bowel cancer"
Being a North Korean is tough and all but hey
At the end of the day, I can't complain.
Are Gorillas s**...?
Of course, who else would complain about a 19$ drink but keep coming back to the same bar
If I had a dollar for everything wrong with capitalism
... then I probably wouldn't be complaining about capitalism.
A friend just returned from a visit to North Korea.
Me: How was the stay over there?
Friend: Can't complain.
A doctor's appointment
A man goes to the doctor complaining about back pain and the doctor notices the man's terrible posture.
"Do you have any ideas as to why you have such awful posture?" asks the doctor.
"Well", replies the man, "I've got a hunch."
A woman complains to her husband about the blisters on her hands
"I have so many blisters from using this broom" says the wife
"well maybe use the car next time" the husband replies.
[OC] You millennials are always complaining that we ran up trillions of dollars of debt for you. Why can't you just pull yourselves up by your bootstraps?
After all, we pulled ourselves up by your bootstraps.
My wife was complaining the other night.
She said "I'm all itchy."
I told her "The B isn't silent."
Maybe she'll let me back in the house next week.
A soccer mom walked into a tattoo parlor and asked for a Christmas tree on her left thigh and a turkey on the right thigh.
When they were done the artist asked why she wanted these tattoos.
She replied, "My husband always complains that there's nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."
A lot of people complain about reposts, but I ran the numbers and only about 0.2% of people actually repost jokes here
Earth has ~7 and a half billion people; this sub only has ~14 million
Potato in bathing suit joke
Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!
Father: Really, what?
Boy: That the potato should go in the front.
The lady who had crashed her SUV complained to the Police that the man she collided with was on his mobile and drinking beer from a bottle at the time.
The Police said that the gentleman was entitled to do what ever he wanted in his own garden!
We all complain about reposts, but do you know where new jokes come from?
A dad joke meets a yo mama joke... and then they screw in a lightbulb.
Don't be scared of dying. People die all the time.
You don't hear them complaining about it.
Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...
People will eventually get over it.
People complain a lot about dealing with erectile dysfunction
But it's not exactly hard, is it?
After years of complaining from my wife, I finally found the g**....
Turns out her sister had it all along...
A man's in-laws are causing him severe stress....
It's gotten so bad that he's decided to talk to his doctor about the physical pain he's experiencing. The doctor prescribes him some painkillers and sends him on his way.
A few days later, the man comes back complaining that the painkillers aren't working. The doctor ups his dose and sees him out. This process continues until a few weeks later. The man is visibly happier and healthier. The doctor asks him if the painkillers worked.
"Yep! They're finally dead."
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." Stunned, the woman sits down and complains to the man next to her. "I can't believe that rude driver! He was so insulting to me! I have half I mind to tell him off!" The man replies, "You should. Let him have it. Here, I'll hold your monkey for you."
I tried to translate my German grandfathers' favorite joke
A woman walks past a pet shop. In front of the store there is a cage with a parrot, that suddenly starts talking to the woman: "You're ugly"
The woman quickly walks away.
At the next day the woman again walks past the shop and the parrot again says "You're ugly".
This time the woman goes in the shop and complains to the salesman.
The salesman apologizes and tells the parrot to not say this ever again.
The next day the woman again walks past the pet shop and is happy to see the parrot turned completely silent. Provokingly she slows down. Suddenly the parrot starts screeching:
"I'm not saying anything but you know it!"
The troubles of foreigners in Canada
A patron in a Montreal restaurant turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded.
"This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked 'C' gave me boiling water."
"But, Monsieur, 'C' stands for chaud – French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."
"Wait a minute," roared the patron. "The other tap is also marked 'C'."
"Of course," said the manager. "It stands for cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city."
**
a Jewish man living in Moscow applies to move to Israel.
At 3:00 AM there's b**... on his door. It's the KGB.
You! Jew! You applied to move to Israel?
He nods.
Here in Russia, you have food to eat?
Yeah, I can't complain.
And here in Russia, you have place to live?
Yeah, yeah, I can't complain.
And here in Russia, you have job to work at?
Yeah, I can't complain.
So, Jew, why you apply to move to Israel?
Because *There* I can complain!
My wife complains I never buy her flowers
I didn't even know she sold flowers.
I asked my North Korean friend how he liked living there.
He said he can't complain.
My patients are complaining that I'm a terrible doctor
I just don't know what's wrong with some people
A Jew living in the Soviet Union applies for an exit visa so he could emigrate to Israel.
As a result, he is summoned to the KGB headquarters.
I see that you applied to move to Israel? asks the KGB officer. The Jewish man nods.
Here in the USSR, don't you have food to eat?
Yeah, I can't complain.
And here in the USSR, don't you have place to live?
Yeah, yeah, I can't complain.
And here in the USSR, don't you have job to work at?
Yeah, I can't complain.
So, Jew, why did you apply to move to Israel?
Because There I can complain!
A friend was complaining about Italians. d**... those Italians and their slanted eyes! , he said.
I replied, I think you mean *italics*.
I asked my North Korean friend what life was like there.
He can't complain.
A South Korean asks a North Korean How's life?
The North Korean responds Well, I can't complain.
My girlfriend is always complaining about how I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
This was an actual conversation that took place between my wife and my 7 yr old son just now.
My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."
My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my future wife to help me fold my laundry."
I busted out laughing. But the end result is that now I have to fold my own laundry going forward.
A man goes to his veterinarian and complains, "I think my goldfish is having seizures."
"He seems fine now," the doctor replies. "Yeah," the man says, "but just wait until I take him out of the bowl."
