Competitive Jokes
67 competitive jokes and hilarious competitive puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about competitive that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you and your siblings, friends, or teammates always competing for the top spot? If so, read this article for some funny jokes about the competitive spirit. Learn how to use entertaining humor to make the most out of a tournament or trophy race. Find out how to use a good-natured joke to break the ice between rivals who are vying for the same medal.
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Funniest Competitive Short Jokes
Short competitive jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The competitive humour may include short competition jokes also.
- When I meet a girl for the first time I shake hands with my left. I don't want to intimidate her with the competition right away
- [Blind Date] Guy: Hi, my name is Heath. Girl: Hello, nice to meet you. I'm Heather.
Guy: This isn't a competition. - Me to HR: Your careers page says the company offers "competitive salary". What does that mean exactly? HR: That means your salary will be competing with your bills.
- My dad was so Competitive that on his death bed, as he breathed his last He said, "Staring contest... GO."
- TIL cow tipping is an urban myth. Apparently, the farmers just pay them a competitive wage.
- Frankenstein enters a bodybuilding competition And was promptly left in embarrassment when he realized that he'd severely misunderstood the objective.
- Frankenstein enters a bodybuilding competition and finds he has seriously misunderstood the objective...
- Dr. Frankenstein went to a body-building competition... There was a terrible misunderstanding.
- Tonight, I will be judging the "World's Largest Ribeye" competition. I am not sure who will win. But the steaks are huge.
- A prisoner called Andrea wants to prove her strength... So she starts a weightlifting competition and wins! Turns out the powerhouse of the cell is the might of con 'Drea.
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Competitive One Liners
Which competitive one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with competitive? I can suggest the ones about compete and contest.
- What do you get for winning a muscle loss competition? Atrophy.
- My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are But I laugh more.
- My brother and I laugh at how Competitive we were as kids. But I laugh more.
- My boyfriend and I always laugh about how competitive we are But I laugh harder
- There are only two outcomes in a knot-tying competition. Win or loose.
- A professional limboer walks into a bar. He was disqualified from the competition.
- I came 2nd in a Fidel Castro look-a-like competition.. close but no cigar
- My wife and I laugh about how competitive we are… But I laugh more
- I tried to enter an ugly competition.. and was told sorry no professionals!
- What is first prize in a competition to lose muscle mass? a trophy.
- A man walks into a bar He was immediately disqualified from the limbo competition.
- "You snooze, you lose." -Competitive insomniacs
- I entered a laziness competition and placed first. I got atrophy.
- My brother and I often laugh at how competitive we are I laugh more
- I'm not a competitive person I'll be the first to admit it.
Competitive Swimming Jokes
Here is a list of funny competitive swimming jokes and even better competitive swimming puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I won first place in a swimming competition once... 9 months later, my mother gave birth to me
- If you ever feel like your job is meaningless, remember There are lifeguards at olympic swimming competitions
- Irony moment in sports When you see lifeguards in Olympic swimming competition
- I won 5th place in the swimming competition! There were only 5 of us.
- Did you see the results of the swimming competition at Lake Gennesaret? Jesus won in a walkover.
Competitive Brother Jokes
Here is a list of funny competitive brother jokes and even better competitive brother puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- We're pretty competitive My brother and I sometimes laugh on how competitive we can be, but I laugh more!
- Me and my brother recently laughed about how competitive we used to be. But I laughed more
Playful Competitive Jokes to Add Joy and Laughter to Your Group
What funny jokes about competitive you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean tournament jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make competitive pranks.
Jesus vs Satan
Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.
They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"
God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."
My city is holding their annual i**... competition...
I've entered my sister...
I recently entered a blindfolded m**... competition...
I haven't seen the results yet so I've no idea where I came...
There's an i**... competition in my town this weekend.
I'm going to enter my sister.
There was a writing competition for a story that had: religion, s**... and mystery.
The winner was "Oh god I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it".
Two guys from New York go on a cross-country trip and end up walking into a bar in Kansas.
After a few too many drinks, one of the guys asks the bartender, "Hey, can you tell us how to go cow tipping?" "I'm sorry, gentlemen. Cow tipping is simply an urban myth," the bartender explains. "The farmers actually pay them a competitive wage."
Frankenstein enters a bodybuilding competition.
However, upon arrival he realised he seriously misunderstood the objective.
I know a guy that had a s**... relationship with one of his teachers
I suppose there's a lot less competition when you're homeschooled
There was a competition to find who could last the longest without m**....
I came first.
A man walks into a bar and sees 2 steaks hanging from the ceiling.
He sits down and orders a beer, and asks the bartender
"what's the deal with the steaks?"
"It's a competition. If you can jump up and slap both steaks at the same time, one with each hand, you win the bar. If you try and fail, though, you pay for everyone's drinks for the rest of the night"
The man sits and thinks it over, and a couple minutes later the bartender asks if he wants to have a go.
"Nah, the steaks are too high"
Four insurance companies are in competition.
One comes up with the slogan, "Coverage from the cradle to the grave."
The Second one tries to improve on that with, "Coverage from the w**... to the tomb."
Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with, "From the s**... to the worm."
The fourth insurance company really thought hard and almost gave up the race, but finally came up with, "From the e**... to the resurrection."
There was a poetry competition final with two contestants, a university student and an old country man.
They each had 20 seconds to come up with a poem about Timbuktu.
The student goes first and says " Across the desert sands, crossed a lonely caravan, men on camels two by two, destination Timbuktu."
The crowd goes wild cheering for the poem.
The old country man then goes, "Tim and I off hunting went, found some girls in a pop up tent, they were three and we were two and I buck one and Tim buck two."
Yo mama
Yo mama so fat, she went to a weight lifting competition and won 1st place for standing up
A shooting club was holding a competition. The winner was to get a somewhat ugly trophy, the second-placed shooter - a crate of champagne.
By the end of the final round, two shooters were tied for first place, so they were told to do a tiebreaker round - 5 shots at maximum distance. To keep things more dramatic, they had to shoot at the same time.
After both had stopped firing and were awaiting the results, one shooter turned to his rival and said with a little smile: "I'm sorry, pal. I put all five shots in the wall."
"I'm sorry, too," replied the other, "because I put all of mine into your target."
MI6, CIA and KGB are competing against each other...
Last competition. The mission is to find a bear in a 10000 sq/km forest
MI6 goes first. Using dogs and 1000 agents they have found a bear in 12 hours.
CIA goes next. Using satellites and heatvisors they found a bear in 6 hours
KGB goes last. Two agents enters a forest and came out of it in 5 minutes. One of them is holding a rabbit by his ears.
Judges- And?
One KGB agent hits a rabbit.
Rabbit - ok ok i confess i'm a bear!!!
Dexter Holland wasn't always lead singer of the Offspring
Long ago he was in the seafood industry. He had a job shucking oysters for a restaurant. Anyway, one day he sees an ad for a competition in oyster shucking, but it is a team challenge. He shows up solo, and knows he won't be let in. His confidence is low at this point, but he still signs up. The attendant notices he only writes down one name, and asks why, to which Dexter replies:
"I'm just a shucker with no shellfish team"
A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds
A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious t**... in town to "persuade" them to close. Terrified, they did so - thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE: (the Washington Post competition)
I'll go first... I love you and the smell of your hair,Please don't be home when I get there.
EDIT- I have to say, the rhymes and creativity; you all are incredible, Now I have to wonder who's most edible...(no really great job to all)
They should end soccer games with an art competition.
That way it would be win, lose or draw.
I entered the "How not to surrender" competition and I won hands down.
There's no shame in being second to Stephen Fry.
Unless it's in a straight nose competition.
Why did the winter solstice audition for a singing competition? It wanted to show off its "illuminating" voice.