Competition Jokes
139 competition jokes and hilarious competition puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about competition that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Need some laughs? Look no further than this collection of funny competition jokes. From dance competitions to marching band championships, these jokes will have you and your friends in stitches! Enter the laughing competition, and crown yourself a winner as you check out these hilarious gags. Great for any time you're feeling like you need to take home the trophy for being the funniest one in the room.
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Funniest Competition Short Jokes
Short competition jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The competition humour may include short competitive jokes also.
- When I meet a girl for the first time I shake hands with my left. I don't want to intimidate her with the competition right away
- [Blind Date] Guy: Hi, my name is Heath. Girl: Hello, nice to meet you. I'm Heather.
Guy: This isn't a competition. - Me to HR: Your careers page says the company offers "competitive salary". What does that mean exactly? HR: That means your salary will be competing with your bills.
- My dad was so Competitive that on his death bed, as he breathed his last He said, "Staring contest... GO."
- TIL cow tipping is an urban myth. Apparently, the farmers just pay them a competitive wage.
- Frankenstein enters a bodybuilding competition And was promptly left in embarrassment when he realized that he'd severely misunderstood the objective.
- Tonight, I will be judging the "World's Largest Ribeye" competition. I am not sure who will win. But the steaks are huge.
- A prisoner called Andrea wants to prove her strength... So she starts a weightlifting competition and wins! Turns out the powerhouse of the cell is the might of con 'Drea.
- I won first place in a swimming competition once... 9 months later, my mother gave birth to me
- Why did the winter solstice audition for a singing competition? It wanted to show off its "illuminating" voice.
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Competition One Liners
Which competition one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with competition? I can suggest the ones about tournament and compete.
- What do you get for winning a muscle loss competition? Atrophy.
- My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are But I laugh more.
- My brother and I laugh at how Competitive we were as kids. But I laugh more.
- There are only two outcomes in a knot-tying competition. Win or loose.
- I came 2nd in a Fidel Castro look-a-like competition.. close but no cigar
- I tried to enter an ugly competition.. and was told sorry no professionals!
- What is first prize in a competition to lose muscle mass? a trophy.
- "You snooze, you lose." -Competitive insomniacs
- I entered a laziness competition and placed first. I got atrophy.
- I'm not a competitive person I'll be the first to admit it.
- What do you get for winning the "Staying in Bed the Longest" competition? Atrophy
- My local newspaper is running an innuendo competition. I might enter my sister.
- Did you hear about the meteorologist competition? The losers got precipitation trophies.
- There was a contortionist competition being held So I entered myself, and won
- Why does government hate organised crime? They don't like competition
Laughing Competition Jokes
Here is a list of funny laughing competition jokes and even better laughing competition puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My friend and I were finally able to laugh off how competitive we are with each other. But I laughed harder.
Dance Competition Jokes
Here is a list of funny dance competition jokes and even better dance competition puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My grandma won the local grocery store's anual dance competition. She didn't miss a beet.
- Did you hear the Little Engine that Could is going to be on a dance competition? The show is going to be called So You Think You Can?
- I want to make a revolutionary new show called So You Think You Can't Dance. It's a singing competition.
- I saw M. Night Shyamalan at a dancing competition today. What a twist.
- Paper Dance Competition Boy : Hey, will you be my partner in a paper dance competition?
Girl : Sure!
Boy : Great, so we are on the same page. - How do the Germans judge their Schuhplattler dance-off competitions? On the lederboard
School Competition Jokes
Here is a list of funny school competition jokes and even better school competition puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Does anyone know any good renal/kidney jokes? I'm in nursing school right now and there's a competition in one of my classes for the funniest renal joke. I can't think of any! Help?
Athletic Competition Jokes
Here is a list of funny athletic competition jokes and even better athletic competition puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- You have the body of a professional athlete If competitive eating can be considered a sport
Gather Around for Heartwarming Competition Jokes and Uplifting Humor
What funny jokes about competition you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean concert jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make competition pranks.
A man walks into a bar and sees 2 steaks hanging from the ceiling.
He sits down and orders a beer, and asks the bartender
"what's the deal with the steaks?"
"It's a competition. If you can jump up and slap both steaks at the same time, one with each hand, you win the bar. If you try and fail, though, you pay for everyone's drinks for the rest of the night"
The man sits and thinks it over, and a couple minutes later the bartender asks if he wants to have a go.
"Nah, the steaks are too high"
Why are programmers so good at poetry?
Well, all words rhyme in binary.
A shooting club was holding a competition. The winner was to get a somewhat ugly trophy, the second-placed shooter - a crate of champagne.
By the end of the final round, two shooters were tied for first place, so they were told to do a tiebreaker round - 5 shots at maximum distance. To keep things more dramatic, they had to shoot at the same time.
After both had stopped firing and were awaiting the results, one shooter turned to his rival and said with a little smile: "I'm sorry, pal. I put all five shots in the wall."
"I'm sorry, too," replied the other, "because I put all of mine into your target."
There was a poetry competition final with two contestants, a university student and an old country man.
They each had 20 seconds to come up with a poem about Timbuktu.
The student goes first and says " Across the desert sands, crossed a lonely caravan, men on camels two by two, destination Timbuktu."
The crowd goes wild cheering for the poem.
The old country man then goes, "Tim and I off hunting went, found some girls in a pop up tent, they were three and we were two and I buck one and Tim buck two."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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My city is holding their annual i**... competition...
I've entered my sister...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds
A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious t**... in town to "persuade" them to close. Terrified, they did so - thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
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I recently entered a blindfolded m**... competition...
I haven't seen the results yet so I've no idea where I came...
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Four insurance companies are in competition.
One comes up with the slogan, "Coverage from the cradle to the grave."
The Second one tries to improve on that with, "Coverage from the w**... to the tomb."
Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with, "From the s**... to the worm."
The fourth insurance company really thought hard and almost gave up the race, but finally came up with, "From the e**... to the resurrection."
Dexter Holland wasn't always lead singer of the Offspring
Long ago he was in the seafood industry. He had a job shucking oysters for a restaurant. Anyway, one day he sees an ad for a competition in oyster shucking, but it is a team challenge. He shows up solo, and knows he won't be let in. His confidence is low at this point, but he still signs up. The attendant notices he only writes down one name, and asks why, to which Dexter replies:
"I'm just a shucker with no shellfish team"
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There was a competition to find who could last the longest without m**....
I came first.
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I know a guy that had a s**... relationship with one of his teachers
I suppose there's a lot less competition when you're homeschooled
Jesus vs Satan
Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.
They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.
He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"
God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi...
...decide to have a friendly competition to see who is the best at their job. To make things interesting, they agree to see who is best at converting the bears in the local woods. A week passes, and they get together to compare notes.
The priest says, "I was walking through the woods and came upon a patch of berries where there was a bear, gathering berries. I walked up to the bear and I gave him the Holy Communion, and thus converted the bear".
The minister goes, "I too was walking through the woods, and came across a stream. There was a bear in the stream, catching fish. So I waded out to him, and baptized the bear right there, and so converting him."
The priest and minster look over to the rabbi, and this guy is in rough shape. He is in total traction, with a full body cast, cuts and scrapes on his face and hands.
"Oy," the rabbi says, "In retrospect, I shouldn't have led with the circumcision."
A police officer pulls over a driver...
A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks.
The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license."
His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."
The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car."
Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I get erections at funerals. "Mourning wood," if you will.
It's hard to come up with an original e**... joke. The competition is stiff.
The Government
Don't lie..
Don't cheat.
Dont steal.
Don't sell drugs.
Don't kill.
The Government Hates Competition
Gatorades competition.
Upon the inception of Gatorade at the University of Florida, and the strides the teams were making on the field, Florida State University *also* tried to make their own energy drink for student athletes.
Unfortunately no one wanted to drink the "*Seminole Fluid*"...
How many vampires showed up to the garlic eating competition?
I don't know, it was countless
I got second place in a star gazing competition once.
The winner got a telescope, but all I got was a constellation prize.
Netflix's original content has some stiff competition.
I heard they're shooting something at YouTube HQ today.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I saw a weird competition yesterday - The first person to successfully have i**... with them self wins.
So I entered myself.
I entered the "How not to surrender" competition and I won hands down.
I am a parent of a one year old and I support anti vaxxer parents and super thankful of them.
They help me eliminate future competition that my kid will go against. From fortnite to Harvard.
Pun competition
One day, a man was sitting at home with a beer in hand when he read about a pun competition being held downtown. He got up early the next morning and came up with the best puns he had ever seen, and entered his 10 best puns hoping he would win, but unfortunately no pun in 10 did.
Village Competition
Tomorrow our village is having it's annual Innuendo competition
I might enter my friend's sister.
Did you hear about the French fencer who frequently spent time in the USA for competitions?
He eventually applied for duel citizenship.
There was once a pastry competition...
Many bakers submitted their desserts to the contest, but the judges were torn between two Italian chefs' pastries.
They said to the chefs, "We would love for both of you to win... *But there cannoli be one."*
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call two f**... homes right next to each other?
Stiff competition.
Did you hear about the competition for the world's best Tie?
There was no clear winner.
A guy at work went in for a competition and won a trip to China.
He's out there now...trying to win a trip back!
I won $100 on a radio competition this morning.
The DJ called me and said, We are going live in a few seconds, I'm going to ask you what you're going to spend your money on and I want you to tell the listeners on air.
Okay I replied.
He said, 3…2….1….. Congratulations to Lefty, our competition winner, what are you going to spend the money on?
I said, I'm going to spend it on air.
Why did the squirrel judge the drag queen competition?
He is an expert at hiding nuts.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does a man who just r**... 300 million people say after?
We are helping consumers and promoting competition, Mr. Pai said. Broadband providers will have more incentive to build networks, especially to underserved areas.
My friends and I had a competition to see what the most difficult to put on accessory was.
The end result was a tie.
A 10 year old girl opens a lemonade stand and sells at such low prices her competition can't keep up, and is forced to close down.
Maybe it would have helped if there were a punch line..
I was really disappointed when I came last in the astronomy competition, but they still gave me a map of the stars just for participating.
It was a constellation prize
Why Does NASA Have No Competition?
Because they destroyed their last challenger.
Why is it tough to make it as a pornstar?
Because the competition is stiff.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I recently participated in an e**... contest. Unfortunately I didn't do so well.
Let's just say there was some stiff competition.
I participated in a trigonometry competition
I got secant place.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
We need to stop mixing races. By doing so it creates people with an unfair advantage when it comes to competition.
No matter how hard I try I still can't outrun a Nascar.
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A dyslexic s**... enters a competition.
He comes out on p**....
I was on the verge of winning the "Worlds Most Congested Nose " competition....
And then I blew it.
I once entered a weather pun competition
I beat the raining champion.
Did you hear about the ruler factory that went out of business?
They just couldn't measure up to the competition.
Three men from the same country enter a competition to see who has the most children.
As they enter the stadium, the enormous crowd starts cheering in excitement. The first man comes up, and his family of 20 accompanies him on stage. The second man comes up, revealing his enormous family of 60 members. The third man comes up on the stage, but nobody comes up with him. The crowd then starts chanting:
DADDY! DADDY! DADDY...
I have two friends who always compete against each other in art competitions
But they always end in a draw
I just won an innuendo competition!
I had to beat off some stiff competition though
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There's no shame in being second to Stephen Fry.
Unless it's in a straight nose competition.
Two guys were in a running competition
The first one said Hey! You dropped something!
The other one, stopped and looked around confused. What did I drop?!
Your speed! He replied as he ran into first place.
I just entered the Town's tightest hat competition..
hope I can pull it off.
A man wins back to back golds in the Olympics for the decathlon.
Ashton was Eaton up the competition
I want to start a hardware store called Highs
We'd be in direct competition with Lowe's.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My kitten won top prize in a cute competition.
Unfortunately, they messed up the award... Instead of making it in the shape of a kitty's face they made it into a kitty's behind!!
It's a real cat-a**...-trophy!
My friend came second in a Winston Churchill lookalike competition
He was close, but no cigar
How did Pythagoras win a Fishing Competition?
He was a Good Angler.
I got a job judging a verbal pause competition.
I am the Ummmpire.
Did you hear about the lumberjack competition?
Apparently it was won by tree fellers from Ireland
I was going to participate in a competition to see how many times I could throw a rock on the water...
But I skipped it.
A man walks into a bar...
Second prize in the national limbo competition is nothing to shake a stick at
There was a pun competition in my town recently.
The newspaper came with the advert. Anybody could send as many puns as they wanted. So I decided to send 10 of them. You know, the more you send the more chances of winning.
Pretty cool, right?
When the results came, I was shocked to see I didn't win.
No pun in ten did.
Did you hear the one about the baker who dominated the pastry competition through determination and superior sugar content?
He went in all buns glazing.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I came last in a karate competition yesterday
I was k**... myself!
One of my happiest memory is when I won the science fair in highschool.
I mixed charcoal, saltpetre and sulfur and blew away the competition
