Competency Jokes
143 competency jokes and hilarious competency puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about competency that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Competency Short Jokes
Short competency jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The competency humour may include short jokes also.
- Why don't churches have Wi-Fi? They don't want to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
- I asked my German friend, What's a three letter word for compete? Friend: Vie.
Me: Because I'm trying to finish a crossword. - Me to HR: Your careers page says the company offers "competitive salary". What does that mean exactly? HR: That means your salary will be competing with your bills.
- A lot of people are up in arms about the Olympians caught taking drugs to compete. Honestly I'm proud of them, and what they can do. Last time I did drugs I could barely tie my shoe.
- What did fruit loops say when launching their product to compete with cheerios? Toucan play at that game
- The question was never whether Trump would be indicted.... But is he competent enough to be tried as an adult?
- Two slice of bread are competing to see who would stay fresh the longest. It ended in a stalemate.
- Why did the "Ringling Bros." Circus finally go out of business? They couldn't compete with the circus in Washington DC any longer.
- Having only ever competed in the 100m dash, what did the professional sprinter say after his first 200m race? I've finally turned a corner in my career.
- I'm going to compete in a marathon dressed as Michael Jackson. I'm not sure which race yet.
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Competency One Liners
Which competency one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with competency? I can suggest the ones about and .
- Last week I competed in the World tanning Championships.. I came out with a Bronze..
- Why was Jupiter banned from competing in the planetary boxing match? He took asteroids.
- If procrastination were an olympic sport I'd compete in it later.
- I would give an arm and a leg... to compete at the paralympics.
- My girlfriend got an abortion She said she didn't want another sister to compete with.
- What division does a blacksmith boxer compete in? Smelterweight.
- To enter a competition for bad handwriting first you must be illegible to compete
- How did the African island compete with Tesla? Madagascar.
- Im opening a Russian import store to compete with Bed, Bath & Beyond. Lenins & more
- Why does USA have hard time competing in chess tournaments? They are missing two towers
- People competing in a staring contest... ..could lose it in the blink of an eye.
- Russian athletes in Olympics wont compete under their flag So the tradition continues...
- What do you call a plumber that competes in the Olympics? A sinkhronized swimmer.
- What Football (soccer) Cup does Super Mario compete in? Koopa Italia
- I'm competing in the Highland Games I'm going to toss a big pole
Competency Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about competency you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make competency pranks.
Chuck Norris doesn't compete, he wins.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The City-Slicker and the Farmer
One year, a man who lived in the city decided to try his hand at deer hunting. He bought all the the necessary equipment, a license, and a rifle and headed out to the gamelands a good distance away from the city.
After a full day's hunting, the man spots a gorgeous buck and manages to make a clean shot. The deer runs for awhile and drops dead right in a farmer's yard. When the man goes to retrieve the deer the farmer meets him and claims that the deer is now his because it's on his land. "What are you talking about?! It took me all day to take this buck!"
The farmer looks at the man, who is obviously from the city. "Tell you what. We'll compete for it. We'll take turns k**... each other in the nuts until one of us gives up. The winner gets the deer." The man, not wanting to go home empty handed, timidly agrees.
The farmer immediately hauls back and lands a kick right in the man's groin, collapsing him. The man writhes in pain on the ground for about a minute and slowly stands up. "Okay, my turn."
The farmer says, "Nah that's ok. You can have the deer." He turns around and walks back into his house.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the worst part about being a p**... in New zealand?
Competing with the sheep.
Fans of two famous writers watched them both compete in an archery contest...
Talk about a target audience.
My pi day joke
There was a village that had four competing pie shops, each inhabiting their own corner of the town. One of these shops was named "The Circle".
The Circle wanted to gain an edge on the other shops, they wanted to stand out. They realized they could transport more pies in their boxes if they made the pies square instead of circular, so they would stack better. The only place in the village to have these oddly-shaped pies is at The Circle.
So, for the area of The Circle, the pie are squared.
Several hundred years ago...
Several hundred years ago, two rival villages would meet annually to compete in a religious ceremony. Both villages would send forth their strongest, fastest male to compete against the other - which involved climbing up a cliff to claim a cross-shaped stone. Legend had it that the cross, a symbol of luck and fertility, would bring good fortune on whichever village owned it.
The day came, and each village met at the cliff.
"Our representative, Tom Smith, is young and fit, and will surely bring us the symbol." claimed the first mayor.
"No, our fighter, Tom Jameson, is faster and stronger! The symbol is ours!"
The race began. Both men scrambled up the cliff side at an equal pace, eventually reaching the top at the same time. Both grabbed the cross simultaneously, each trying to wrestle it from the other.
"The symbol is ours!" cried Tom Smith.
"No! The symbol belongs to our village!" shouted Tom Jameson.
Both edged closer and closer to the cliff face, and in one violent motion, both Tom's and the symbol fell over the edge, smashing into the rocks below.
BA-BOOM-CHSSSHHH
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The legend of Sorry the archer.
An archery contest is taking place, and all the top archers of Europe are in attendance. The final begins, and the three greatest archers must compete in shooting an apple from a little girls head.
The first archer steps up. He draws, and fires an arrow right through the apple. The audience applauds, he bows and proclaims "I am Robin Hood!"
The second archer steps up. He draws, and also hits the apple. He waves his hat at the cheering crowd, and cries out "I am William Tell."
The third archer steps up. He draws, and fires his arrow through the little girls eye. Blood sprays everywhere, the audience gasps and ladies faint. He takes his hat off, and announces "I am Sorry".
Why don't churches, synagogues, mosques and temples have Wi-Fi?
Because religions don't like competing with an invisible power that actually works.
Nobel award winning physicist and his limo driver
A Nobel award winning physicist, who was afraid of flying, was on speaking tour of the nation's top colleges. He travelled by limousine to each destination to give his speech.
After two dozen engagements, the physicist and the limousine driver were having dinner before the next speech. The limousine driver commented that he'd heard the speech enough times, and that even though he didn't understand it, he felt as if he could deliver it word-for-word. So the physicist agreed to trade places and let him give the speech, and the physicist would sit in the back and wear the limousine driver's uniform.
After giving the speech flawlessly, the limousine driver opened the floor for questions from the students (typically there were none). However, at this particular University there was a rather egotistical student who thought he was smart enough to compete mentally with the Nobel physicist. The question took 5 minutes to get out and would require a rather lengthy explanation and some complex calculus to answer.
Without batting an eye, the limousine driver responded to the young student by saying, "The answer to that question is so easy, I'll let my limousine driver, seated in the back, respond."
What is the only olympic sport that mexicans can compete in?
Bordercross
Shaggy dog joke
A boy owned a dog that was uncommonly shaggy. Many people remarked upon its considerable shagginess. When the boy learned that there are contests for shaggy dogs, he entered his dog. The dog won first prize for shagginess in both the local and the regional competitions. The boy entered the dog in ever-larger contests, until finally he entered it in the world championship for shaggy dogs. When the judges had inspected all of the competing dogs, they remarked about the boy's dog: "He's not that shaggy."
A pokemon trainer walks into a bar...
The bartender says, "Wow, you're in luck, we're running a contest, and the first to drink 15 bottles of Samuel Adams new lager wins a MagiKarp!"
The trainer replies, "Uhh, who cares? Why would anyone bother competing for a MagiKarp?"
The bartender answers, "Because anyone who drinks Sam Adams automatically gets TM 87"
"What's TM 87?"
"*Swagger*"
Four competent drivers arrive at a 4-way stop at the same time.
Timbuktu
A Harvard grad and an Agricultural grad are competing for a bank job. The bank president is equally impressed with both candidates so he comes up with with a test to see how they think on there feet. He tells both candidates to write a poem using a word he will give them in 3 minutes to complete the task. Both candidates agree. The presidents say the word is "timbuktu". Go!!!
The Harvard grad starts writing immediately and finishes in a minutes while the Aggie has not written anything down. The president tells him time is half over just write something down. The Aggie frantically writes something and finishes just in time.
Since the Harvard grad finished first he will read his first and it went something like this.
Basting is the desert sun, Camels lined two by two, Destination timbuktu.
Impressed the president reads the Aggies.
A hunting Tim and I went, Spotted three lovelies in a tent, With the morning dew, I buck one and, Tim buck two
Aggie gets the job is you are worried about that.
There once was a florist
There once was a florist with a fairly successful flower stand on the side of the road.
One day, three friars set up a competing flower stand across the street. Since everyone wanted to buy their flowers from the men of god, the florist began losing all his business to the friars. He tried everything from flashy advertising to lowering his prices to offering exotic flower types, but nothing worked and soon his business had run completely dry.
So one night, the florist hires a hitman named Hugh. Hugh goes across the street, smashes the friars' flowers and pots and breaks up their stand - proving once and for all that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
Timbuktu
Once in a quizshow. There were an Australian and a priest competing against each other. Their scores were equal, so they had to create a verse about "Timbuktu".
The priest began:
"I was a father, all my life,
had no children, had no wife.
I read the Bible, through and through.
On my way to Timbuktu."
Then the Australian told his version:
"When Tim and I to Brisbane went,
we met three ladies cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two,
so I booked one and Tim booked two!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three Cats in a Triathalon
So, there are three cats competing in a triathlon. One is an English cat, named "One Two Three", one is German and named "Eins Zwei Drei", and the last is French and named "Un Deuz t**...". They're all very dedicated and have been training for this event since they were kittens.
When the race starts Un Deuz t**... leaps out front. He is sleek and nimble and leads for the running portion of the event. However, when they get on bicycles Eins Zwei Drei finishes first due to superior German engineering.
When they reach the pool for the swimming portion all cats jump in without hesitation. One Two Three finishes first, as he had been practicing swimming in the English Channel. Eins Zwei Drei comes out second. Hours pass, and the French Cat never exits.
Un Deuz t**... Quatre Cinq.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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I don't date r**... girls...
Cuz I always have to compete with their brother.
Traffic
Two civil engineers were competing for a bid to do the road layout for a city. The engineer that lost accused the other of cheating, to which the winner said "Roundabouts are fair play".
I have two friends who always compete against each other in art competitions
But they always end in a draw
Don't ever compete against Heinz...
You're always going to play catch up.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
They're giving Caitlyn Jenner ANOTHER TV show
Apparently, they have her competing in the Olympics again. It's going to be called "Drag Races".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Once all serial killers decided to compete for the most kills
It was a cut t**... competition
A group of blondes walk into a bar...
A group of blondes walk into a bar and order a round of beers. They laugh and congratulate one another and finish their drinks. One blonde says to the bar tender "Another round, on me!" The bartender gets them another round of drinks and they continue to be lively and cheery and before long, finish their drinks. Another blonde says "Bartender, another round please!". The bartender walks over and says "I'll get you another round of drinks, but you have to tell me what you're celebrating." The blonde says "Well, we just finished competing a puzzle." "A puzzle?" Says the bartender, "How long did it take you?" The blonde replies "Six months". "Six months!" Exclaimes the bartender, "That's a long time for one puzzle." The blonde says. "That's not long at all, on the box it says three to four years!"
My biologist girlfriend was making competent cells at the lab today...
I asked if they were very sure of them cells.
I'm thinking of starting a business will use free child labor in exchange for temporary housing.
Although I don't know if I can compete with the Girl Scouts...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why couldn't the Indian baker find another job in his city after he quit his job?
He signed a naan-compete.
My son and I are competing in the Olympics.
BME here we come!
What event does the ghost compete in the Olympics?
the 100 meter spi-rint.
I heard that the IOC is giving this years' Olympians a second chance to compete...
... at the 2020 Japan Paralympics
Two men walking in a cemetery find a gravestone
Two men walking in a cemetery find a recent gravestone , so they read it:
-"Here lies an honest man and a competent lawyer"
So one of the guys turn to the other:
-"When did they start burying two people together?"
What did Simon's dad, Paul, say to his son to encourage him just before he went to compete in the National Leg Breaking Championships?
"Have a good one, son."
What's the difference between a Russian Potato and a U.S. Potato?
The U.S. potato can still compete in the Special Olympics.
What is the name of one of the Chinese gymnasts competing at the Rio Olympics?
Wai Tu Yung
I hear Oscar Pistorius is competing in the Paralympics.
He's going for Gold in the Shooting.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
3 Vampires meet in a crossroad
The 1st vampire said "see that village over there? I'm gonna s**... their blood dry", 30 minutes later he come back with mouth full of bloodstain "Nobody's alive in that village anymore".
The 2nd vampire doesn't want to lose, he said "see that town over there? I'm gonna s**... their blood dry", 10 minutes later he come back with face covered in bloodstain, "That city is dead".
The 3rd vampire is so eager to compete he quickly go to the direction of a big city without saying anything. He come back 10 seconds later, all body covered in blood, the two vampires are impressed.
He say "You see that pole over there?"
"Yeah.."
"I didn't"
How will Trump select his cabinet?
The Apprentice: the White House
Contestants will compete in a series of challenges aspiring to positions in Trump's cabinet all televised for your viewing pleasure on NBC.
Mahogany was competing with oak and maple in the wood election.
Nobody got a majority in the electric collage. However, oak narrowly beat out maple in the poplar vote.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did Ringling Brothers shut down the circus?
Because with Trump as president their clowns couldn't compete.
Did you hear Barnum and Bailey Circus is shutting down?
They can't compete with American politics.
Sea lions can run and swim faster than humans
Which means when you compete against one in a triathlon you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Because Soviet jokes are on-trend...
The CIA, the FBI and the KGB are competing for the title of the Best Criminal Catcher. They're given a task by the General Secretariat of UN to catch a rabbit in the forest which he'd released. The CIA plants well-trained animal spies throughout the forest, and after 3 months of investigation they conclude the rabbit doesn't exist. The FBI burns down the forest along with the rabbit, and declare that it cannot be helped. When it's KGB's turn, they go into the forest and after 2 hours they come out with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "OK! OK! I give up! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
I'm going to compete in the annual Swamp Half-Marathon.
Just want to run that bayou.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friend asked me why would you chase a girl that already has a boyfriend?
I replied I would rather compete against o**... than the whole world
It's down to two guys at a job interview.
Both of the men interviewing are equally qualified all the way down to eagle scout so the interviewer has an idea. "The one of you that can give me the better poem ending in Timbuktu gets the job." The first guy stands up and says, "Out across the desert sand went a lonely caravan. Underneath the sky so blue, their destination, Timbuktu." The second guy just sat there stunned. He knew he couldn't compete and was about to give up when inspiration struck. "Me and Tim a fishing went when we saw three ladies in a tent. They being three, and we being two, I bucked one and Tim bucked two."
A nerd was invited to compete in the Trigonometry Mathletic Competition...
he said:
"Sine me up!"
I heard the Ringling Circus is shutting down this year
I guess they didn't want to compete with the White House.
Why aren't the best boxers competing in the olympics?
Because they're working in warehouses.
I've started competing in discus meets
I almost won a trophy yesterday. I threw the discus really far, but this other competitor named Gus got my throw erased. He said my throw got lifted by a burst of wind, so he went to the track officials.
This Gus discussed his disgust on the discus.
What's the difference between Neanderthal man, and Cro-magnon man?
Linguistic competence and polychromatic cave paintings.
Why do spiders usually get jobs in tech?
Most of them are already competent web developers.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Fighting on the Internet is like competing in the Special Olympics
It doesn't matter who wins, you're both r**...!
So a mesothelioma patient competed in the Olympics last year
She didn't win anything, but she did asbestos she could.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the ESL student competing in the s**... Olympics?
She came in 5^st place!
The Windmill, the Coal Plant, and Geothermal Station Formed a Band
The Windmill, the Coal Plant, and Geothermal Station Formed the Band "Earth, Wind, and Fire". Their songs start off slow but eventually build in Energy. They would have been Electric too if it wasn't for their Dam manager always holding them back. He was Resistant to change and couldn't see the Potential in the Current market. That's when a few atoms decided Fuse together and go Nuclear. Earth Wind and Fire couldn't compete with Watt the other band brought so they Discharged their manager and started their own Solar careers
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do Jehovah's Witnesses hate Halloween?
They have to compete with other strangers going door-to-door.
Nobody can compete with my wife.
What does me at the Bad Grammar Competion and the weather have in common?
We both win'd
Two postman compete to see who can deliver more letters, what do you call the winner?
The alpha mail
A tiger and a sloth compete in a 200m race
The tiger won.
FedEx has come up with a new slogan to compete with UPS
"You'll get your package in a blast!"
3 Ants
3 Ants are competing in a race. Ant #1 wins and exclaims, "I'm in 1st place". Shortly after ant #2 ends the race and says, "I finished in 2nd place". Eventually ant #3 finishes the race and states "I won the race".
How is this possible?
Ant #3 is a liar.
What do you call it when two unspeakably awful demons compete to see which is the most evil?
The 2016 election.
A boxer loses his sight in a freak accident.
Not being able to compete again, all he can do now is training with his loyal training partner and hitting the bag. Since he can't see, he is required to remember and move only a certain amount of steps (both forward and backwards) to keep the distance. Suddenly his partner stops the session and the boxer asks why they stopped. His partner says: we stopped because you messed up the punch line.
The Regional Marionette Championship was in town last week...
It's famous for being really hard to enter, but I really wanted to compete in it.
Let's just say... I pulled a few strings!