Compete Jokes
75 compete jokes and hilarious compete puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about compete that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Compete Short Jokes
Short compete jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The compete humour may include short competitors jokes also.
- Why don't churches have Wi-Fi? They don't want to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
- I asked my German friend, What's a three letter word for compete? Friend: Vie.
Me: Because I'm trying to finish a crossword. - Me to HR: Your careers page says the company offers "competitive salary". What does that mean exactly? HR: That means your salary will be competing with your bills.
- A lot of people are up in arms about the Olympians caught taking drugs to compete. Honestly I'm proud of them, and what they can do. Last time I did drugs I could barely tie my shoe.
- What did fruit loops say when launching their product to compete with cheerios? Toucan play at that game
- The question was never whether Trump would be indicted.... But is he competent enough to be tried as an adult?
- Two slice of bread are competing to see who would stay fresh the longest. It ended in a stalemate.
- Why did the "Ringling Bros." Circus finally go out of business? They couldn't compete with the circus in Washington DC any longer.
- Having only ever competed in the 100m dash, what did the professional sprinter say after his first 200m race? I've finally turned a corner in my career.
- I'm going to compete in a marathon dressed as Michael Jackson. I'm not sure which race yet.
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Compete One Liners
Which compete one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with compete? I can suggest the ones about rival and participate.
- Last week I competed in the World tanning Championships.. I came out with a Bronze..
- Why was Jupiter banned from competing in the planetary boxing match? He took asteroids.
- If procrastination were an olympic sport I'd compete in it later.
- I would give an arm and a leg... to compete at the paralympics.
- My girlfriend got an abortion She said she didn't want another sister to compete with.
- What division does a blacksmith boxer compete in? Smelterweight.
- To enter a competition for bad handwriting first you must be illegible to compete
- How did the African island compete with Tesla? Madagascar.
- Im opening a Russian import store to compete with Bed, Bath & Beyond. Lenins & more
- Why does USA have hard time competing in chess tournaments? They are missing two towers
- People competing in a staring contest... ..could lose it in the blink of an eye.
- Russian athletes in Olympics wont compete under their flag So the tradition continues...
- What do you call a plumber that competes in the Olympics? A sinkhronized swimmer.
- What Football (soccer) Cup does Super Mario compete in? Koopa Italia
- I'm competing in the Highland Games I'm going to toss a big pole
Laughable Compete Jokes for Instant Grins & Giggles
What funny jokes about compete you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean fight jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make compete pranks.
Fans of two famous writers watched them both compete in an archery contest...
Talk about a target audience.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The legend of Sorry the archer.
An archery contest is taking place, and all the top archers of Europe are in attendance. The final begins, and the three greatest archers must compete in shooting an apple from a little girls head.
The first archer steps up. He draws, and fires an arrow right through the apple. The audience applauds, he bows and proclaims "I am Robin Hood!"
The second archer steps up. He draws, and also hits the apple. He waves his hat at the cheering crowd, and cries out "I am William Tell."
The third archer steps up. He draws, and fires his arrow through the little girls eye. Blood sprays everywhere, the audience gasps and ladies faint. He takes his hat off, and announces "I am Sorry".
Four competent drivers arrive at a 4-way stop at the same time.
I have two friends who always compete against each other in art competitions
But they always end in a draw
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Once all serial killers decided to compete for the most kills
It was a cut t**... competition
I'm thinking of starting a business will use free child labor in exchange for temporary housing.
Although I don't know if I can compete with the Girl Scouts...
I heard that the IOC is giving this years' Olympians a second chance to compete...
... at the 2020 Japan Paralympics
What did Simon's dad, Paul, say to his son to encourage him just before he went to compete in the National Leg Breaking Championships?
"Have a good one, son."
What's the difference between a Russian Potato and a U.S. Potato?
The U.S. potato can still compete in the Special Olympics.
How will Trump select his cabinet?
The Apprentice: the White House
Contestants will compete in a series of challenges aspiring to positions in Trump's cabinet all televised for your viewing pleasure on NBC.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did Ringling Brothers shut down the circus?
Because with Trump as president their clowns couldn't compete.
Did you hear Barnum and Bailey Circus is shutting down?
They can't compete with American politics.
Sea lions can run and swim faster than humans
Which means when you compete against one in a triathlon you really need to make up time on the cycling.
I'm going to compete in the annual Swamp Half-Marathon.
Just want to run that bayou.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friend asked me why would you chase a girl that already has a boyfriend?
I replied I would rather compete against o**... than the whole world
A nerd was invited to compete in the Trigonometry Mathletic Competition...
he said:
"Sine me up!"
I heard the Ringling Circus is shutting down this year
I guess they didn't want to compete with the White House.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do Jehovah's Witnesses hate Halloween?
They have to compete with other strangers going door-to-door.
Nobody can compete with my wife.
Two postman compete to see who can deliver more letters, what do you call the winner?
The alpha mail
A tiger and a sloth compete in a 200m race
The tiger won.
What do you call it when two unspeakably awful demons compete to see which is the most evil?
The 2016 election.
A boxer loses his sight in a freak accident.
Not being able to compete again, all he can do now is training with his loyal training partner and hitting the bag. Since he can't see, he is required to remember and move only a certain amount of steps (both forward and backwards) to keep the distance. Suddenly his partner stops the session and the boxer asks why they stopped. His partner says: we stopped because you messed up the punch line.
The Regional Marionette Championship was in town last week...
It's famous for being really hard to enter, but I really wanted to compete in it.
Let's just say... I pulled a few strings!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two German soccer players go to a s**... bank..
The nurse there tells them that she can only take samples from one of them. Since they are both very strong men, she comes to a conclusion and tells them "I'll take a sample from the fastest runner"
This is alarming to the two German's, both of them being completely exhausted from the previous days game. After discussing it for a while, they decide to inform the nurse
"I don't think we're ready to compete for the cup...
Look out for Hugh's new kitchen range!
My friend Hugh Jarrs has just endorsed a new range of kitchen equipment to compete with George Foreman.
Look out for the Hugh Jarrs Grill.
A blind athlete about to compete in the Paralympics is questioned by reporters on his accusation of racism. He replies...
'How can I be racist, if I don't see race?'
Jesus and Moses compete who can cross a river faster:
Jesus and Moses compete who can cross a river faster. Moses makes the water split and walks on dry land to the other side. Jesus tries to walk on water, but glug... glug... glug... he starts sinking. "What's the matter?" asks Jesus, "I walked on the water quite well 2000 years ago..." "Well," replies Moses, "that was before you got those holes in your feet..."
A pair of Jesuits started a flower shop...
A pair of Jesuits started a flower shop, with prices so below-cost that no other shop could compete. Several of the other shop owners tried to kill the brothers, but they always failed. Eventually, the other shop owners pooled their money to hire the most clever and expensive assassin in town, Hugh McTaggart. He succeeded, demonstrating that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Somebody once told me, Nintendo should add a new character to Super smash, called The Mouth, to compete with The Hand.
It would be the smash mouth.
I competed in a contest to see who could throw a package the farthest.
I won and got the job as an UPS driver!
"You gotta help man, my bike's possessed. If I ride it, it bites me, if I don't, it still bites me."
"It's a vicious cycle."
"You think that's bad? My bike's turned entirely into clumpy goo."
"It's a viscous cycle."
"You think that's bad?! My bike's turned into a man, and then gone off to compete in the olympics."
"It's discus michael."
There should be a TV show were participants compete in relay to get ingredients from high ropes obstacle course.
The steaks couldn't be higher!
Trump says that the Special Olympics will still be funded despite DeVos' plan.
This is presumably so Eric and Don Jr can still compete.
Did you hear the President overruled Betsy DeVos and is restoring the Special Olympics funding?
I hear he wants to compete.
We learned today that Trump blocked a proposed budget change that would have eliminated finding for the Special Olympics.
He must have been pretty mad at the thought of being unable to compete this year.
Michael Jordan, Scottie Pippen, and Dennis Rodman are set to compete against each other in a wordplay competition in Spain
The Punning Of The Bulls
To teach my kids about capitalism...
...I made them pay for housing, food, and charged them to use the bathroom.
Then if they wanted to make any money, I had them compete against each other for who could do chores for the least amount of money.
Then when they unionised, I had the neighbour's kid do chores instead and gave them nothing.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So, me and the guys, each year, compete to see who has had s**... with the most women.
It's a very intense lying competition.
A Japanese prison invited a few sumo wrestlers for a match...
The fattest prisoners were selected to compete and to everyone's surprise they won.
It's because the cons outweigh the pros.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Toyota and Ford decided to do a rowing competition
They both got their best teams together and had them compete. The result was a disaster for Ford. The Toyota rowing team beat them by leagues.
Ford had a crisis meeting, hired the best analysts and consultants, and after half a year they came up with a conclusion: The Toyota rowing boat had 8 rowers and one c**... while at Ford, one man was rowing and 8 yelled at him.
Ford's conclusion: The rower has to work harder.
Next year at the competition, Toyota won by an even larger margin.
So the rower was fired.
Me - What's a 3 letter word for compete?
Dracula - Vie.
Me - It's for a crossword.
I saw this on Twitter(@clichedout) and it made me smile so hopefully someone else will get a kick out of it.
Little known fact about me: I was supposed to compete in the 1988 summer Olympics in Seoul...
...but I suffered a Korea ending injury.
There's so much debate about whether to allow Russian athletes to compete internationally
Whatever else happens I hope they let Russians compete in the Paralympics. With the way the war's going they'll have a heck of a team
