Compare Jokes

Following is our collection of contrast puns and debate one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Compare jokes for adults, dirty respective jokes and clean comparable dad gags for kids.

The Best Compare Puns

What do Apple and Donald Trump have in common?

I would say that they both think de-porting is the answer when there's no more Jobs, but I shouldn't compare apples to oranges.

People compare Trump and hitler all the time, but there is one major difference.

Hitler was good at making speeches

Steve Jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump...

But i shouldn't compare apples and oranges.

What does the MacBook have in common with Donald Trump?

I would tell you....


But I don't compare apples to oranges.

Why can't you compare millionaires Tim Cook and donald trump?

Apples and oranges.


Steve Jobs would've been a better POTUS than Trump

Well...

Maybe not?

It's hard to compare apples and oranges.

A mathematician wasn't too confident about his appearance...

So he asked his friend to compare his good looks in terms he could understand.
After little thought his friend says: "You're about as good looking as you are bad looking."
"Well that's just mean."

You cannot compare Steve Jobs with Donald Trump.

Apples vs. oranges.

I heard someone compare African countries to trashcans

I don't think that's a good comparison. My trashcan has food in it.

Why doesn't Donald Trump compare his leadership to Steve Jobs?

Even *he* knows not to compare Apples and oranges.

Theory vs Reality

Little Billy had a homework assignment to compare theory and reality. The boy asked his father what the difference was between theory and reality. His father told him, 'Go ask your mother if she would have sex with the mailman for a million dollars.' The boy asks his mother and she says she would. Billy tells his father she would have sex with the mailman for million dollars.

The father then tells the boy, 'Now go as your sister if she would have sex with the mailman for a million dollars.' The boy asks his sister and she to says she would have sex with the mailman.

Little Billy goes and tells his father both his mom and his sister would have sex with the mailman and his father says, "Well son, in theory we're multimillionaires, but in reality we live with a couple of whores.


A priest, a minister, and a rabbi...

...decide to have a friendly competition to see who is the best at their job. To make things interesting, they agree to see who is best at converting the bears in the local woods. A week passes, and they get together to compare notes.

The priest says, "I was walking through the woods and came upon a patch of berries where there was a bear, gathering berries. I walked up to the bear and I gave him the Holy Communion, and thus converted the bear".

The minister goes, "I too was walking through the woods, and came across a stream. There was a bear in the stream, catching fish. So I waded out to him, and baptized the bear right there, and so converting him."

The priest and minster look over to the rabbi, and this guy is in rough shape. He is in total traction, with a full body cast, cuts and scrapes on his face and hands.

"Oy," the rabbi says, "In retrospect, I shouldn't have led with the circumcision."

An artist lives next to a Marsh.

Twice a week, he goes out and collects the clam shells in the marsh to use in his art. One day, he visits a fellow artist and the two compare their works as usual. Suddenly, a gang of bandits breaks into the house to steal art, but before anyone else could react the first artist launches a furious flurry of kicks and punches that quickly incapacitates all the robbers.
"Incredible!" Goes his friend, "I never realised you were so well trained in combat!"
"Well you should," the first artist replied, "considering you already know I am a marsh shell artist."

Three women decide to compare their husbands to soft drinks.

Three women are out to brunch, and they're talking about who has the best husband. One of them decides they should compare their respective husbands to soft drinks (sodas).

First woman: "My husband is like 7UP, because he's 7 inches and he's always up."

Second woman: "Well my husband is like Mountain Dew, because when he's mountin' me, he knows what to do."

Third woman: "Well my husband is like Jack Daniels."

First woman: "That's not a soft drink!"

Third woman: "I know, but he's a hard licker."

It's quite hard to compare the epididymis and the seminal vesicle

There's a vas deferens between them.

Three men compare how they control their wives...

Three friends are sitting in a bar after a day of work, discussing their lives when the topic of conversation turns to how often they fight with their wives. The first guy says, "I just put my foot down and tell her what's what, and there's no more arguing after that. Then I get the TV to myself all night."

The second guy says, "I just keep repeating my point until she sees the light. Then she always makes my favourite dinner and gives me a back rub."

The third guy says, "Every time we argue, my wife is always on her hands and knees by the end of it."

The other two look at him, impressed. "Then what happens?" The second one asks.

"Well," the third says, " then she says 'Get out from under the bed and fight me you pussy!' "

Women are like...women.

I don't really know anything about them, so I have nothing to compare them with.

I know you can't compare apples to oranges...

...but two apples do make a pear.

Does Hilary's scandal compare to Bill's?

I'd say it's close, but no cigar.


How do you compare a redneck and a sandwich?

They're both in-bread...

A feminist walks into a bar

She walks to the bartender and says, "No, I will not have it, I will not be served by a cisgender white male." A man nearby says, "My god, not another feminazi.", the bartender says, "Hey! Don't compare feminists to nazis, that's not cool.", the feminist says, "Maybe all you cisgenders aren't that bad.", the bartender continues, "Don't compare feminists to nazis, at least nazis accomplished something."

Don't compare whales to feminists...

It's very offensive to whales

How do you determine who the best musician is?

You compare their scores.

For all those who like to compare a situation with Star Wars to explain it better,

Metaphors be with you.

What do you use to compare and contrast nordic cultures?

A Sven diagram!

You can compare my lovelife with my Ferrari.

I don't have a Ferrari.

I hate it when people compare Freddie Mercury to God

I mean He's good but He's no Freddie Mercury.

What's the difference between Steve Jobs and Donald Trump?

A good many things, but it's a little unfair to compare Apples to oranges.

I have more oranges than I have apples

And you thought that I can't compare apples and oranges...

I don't like it when people compare Freddie Mercury to God...

I mean, he's great and good and all that, but he's no Freddie Mercury.

Snail hunting

This is an old joke my father used to tell me.

A German, Spaniard, and Frenchman all decide to go snail hunting. After an hour had passed they meet back together to compare their catch. The German had a full bucket and the Spaniard had half a bucket, but the Frenchman's bucket was empty.

"Where are your snails?"


"I found a lot of them, but every time I leaned over to grab one, WHOOOOOSH it was gone"

Why is it unfair to compare Trump to Hitler?

Hitler started with nothing. Trump got a million bucks from his dad.

I walked into a Subway copycat joint earlier to see how their sandwiches compare. They claimed to be Sub standard...

but i thought they were below par.

Friends

Back in the '90s my then-wife and I used to watch the TV show Friends, and as people did we would compare ourselves to the characters in the show. I always said I was the Chandler of our group because I felt I was the sarcastic, funny one, and my then-wife would always come back with saying I was more like Ross because he was whiny. We'd laugh about it, but when she eventually left me for her girlfriend I realized I should have paid more attention to what she was saying.

I compared the bottom of a co-worker to a rabbit.

Perhaps this was a bit hareassing.

Wanna hear my seal impression?

BABEH I COMPARE YOU TO A KISS FROM A ROSE DODEEDO

People say you can't compare apples to oranges...

... always seemed like a fruitful comparison to me though.

My friends compare my luck with the ladies to Steph Curry...

I ball pretty hard but I still hit 3's like it's going out of style

I hate when people compare Eminem to God

I mean, he's great and all, but he's no Eminem.

What TV show can you compare to the 2016 US presidential elections?

Orange is the new black.

Why can't you compare Washington State and Florida?

Because it'd be like comparing apples and oranges.

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?

Because thou art hot and maketh me want to take off my clothes.

Compared to planes, helicopters are extremely complex, and have to be crafted with inhuman precision...

It's a wonder they ever took off...

It's not fair to compare Trump to garbage...

...garbage was once useful for something.

It's hard to compare Stevie Wonder to Ray Charles

They are both just so out of sight

Covering the newest trump scandle in class

Teacher: there are some things that guys compare in the locker room

Me: like hand size

Yo momma so fat...

That I would compare her to a cow but my religon prohibits me from comparing a horrid beast to such a sacred animal.

Women say I'm ugly, but when they see my bank account suddenly they compare me to Brad Pitt.

They all tell me that I'm as attractive as I am rich.

It's really unfair to compare Trump to Hitler.

Sure, both wanted undesirables separated from society, but Trump doesn't want to pay for it. At least Hitler foot the gas bill.

These guys at the pub said my wife looked like Cruella de Vil.

So I walked over to them and said, "How dare you compare that skinny, intimidating witch with Cruella de Vil."

What are OP's like alone, as compared to when they are combined?

Alone, An OP is not very strong, he cannot do very much alone, Much like a stick; But, When you combine all of these sticks together, you get a massive heap of faggots.

How do Buddhist monks compare interests?

With zen diagrams!

I can't beleive that russia tried to kill Sergi

Compare the market ads will never be the same

People shouldn't compare prostitution and supporting Trump?

Cause atleast somebody is fighting to make prostitution legal

There is an abundance of comparison jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 54 funniest jokes and compare puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any percentage witze you can hear about compare.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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