Compared Jokes
68 compared jokes and hilarious compared puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about compared that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Compared Short Jokes
Short compared jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The compared humour may include short comparison jokes also.
- Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Trump. But I guess comparing apples to orange is unfair.
- Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump. But it's a silly comparison really, it's like comparing apples to oranges.
- Steve Jobs would have made a better president than Donald Trump... But that's comparing apples to oranges.
- What do apple and Donald Trump have in common? I would say that they both think de-porting is the answer when there's no more Jobs, but I shouldn't compare apples to oranges.
- My wife asked me how she compared to past girlfriends... So I told her she was the only one I had been with!
The others were all eights and nines. - Twenty years ago, my friend made a website where you compare getting high from different drugs. It was the original trip advisor.
- I always thought that Steve Jobs would make a better president than Donald Trump but then I realized that I'm comparing apples to oranges
- My wife said she would leave me if I don't stop comparing everything to Bruce Willis movies, but you know what they say about old habits... They Pulp Fiction.
- Steve Jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump... But i shouldn't compare apples and oranges.
- What does the MacBook have in common with Donald Trump? I would tell you....
But I don't compare apples to oranges.
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Compared One Liners
Which compared one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with compared? I can suggest the ones about competitive and discussed.
- My wife often compares me to Ryan Gosling. She'll say "You're nothing like Ryan Gosling."
- Why can't you compare millionaires Tim Cook and donald trump? Apples and oranges.
- You cannot compare Steve Jobs with Donald Trump. Apples vs. oranges.
- I know you can't compare apples to oranges... ...but two apples do make a pear.
- Does Hilary's scandal compare to Bill's? I'd say it's close, but no cigar.
- Don't compare whales to feminists... It's very offensive to whales
- How do you determine who the best musician is? You compare their scores.
- Running feels great Until you compare it with not running
- Null pointer, I love you. Nothing compares to you.
- What do you use to compare and contrast nordic cultures? A sven diagram!
- Comparing Steve Jobs and Donald Trump is like.. Comparing apples and oranges.
- You can compare my lovelife with my Ferrari. I don't have a Ferrari.
- What's a whale's worst nightmare? Being compared to Amy Schumer
- Why do laptops weigh more in the UK compared to the US? The keyboard adds an extra pound.
- What is it called when the British compare their old coins? A farthing contest..
Entertaining Compared Jokes to Laugh Out Loud Fun with Everyone
What funny jokes about compared you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean considered jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make compared pranks.
I'm reading a book that compares the different versions of the Bible.
Turns out, there is a lot of cross referencing.
Sven and Ole joke (do your best Swedish accent when reading their lines)
Sven and Ole both lost their jobs when the clothing manufacturer they worked at closed. At the unemployment office, Sven was asked what position he held at the factory, he replied Ya, well I sew women's underpants. He was told to go to the next line to claim his unemployment check.
Ole was asked the same question, to which he replied Diesel fitter. He too was told to go to the next line to get his unemployment check.
After Sven and Ole collected their checks, they compared them outside. Ole's check was twice as much, which made Sven furious. He stormed back inside and asked to talk with a manager. He demanded to know why his check was half of what Ole's was. The manager told him, Well, you were a tailor, your friend Ole has a specialty in engine repair.
Sven's anger was boiling over. He loudly told them, WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I sew the underpants and put them in a pile, Ole holds them up and says Ya, diesel fitter. What has that got to do with engines?
Theory vs Reality
Little Billy had a homework assignment to compare theory and reality. The boy asked his father what the difference was between theory and reality. His father told him, 'Go ask your mother if she would have s**... with the mailman for a million dollars.' The boy asks his mother and she says she would. Billy tells his father she would have s**... with the mailman for million dollars.
The father then tells the boy, 'Now go as your sister if she would have s**... with the mailman for a million dollars.' The boy asks his sister and she to says she would have s**... with the mailman.
Little Billy goes and tells his father both his mom and his sister would have s**... with the mailman and his father says, "Well son, in theory we're multimillionaires, but in reality we live with a couple of w**....
I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, clothe, school, and inoculate for 75 cents a day.
Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.
An observation by Adam Hills
"I have a slight theory as to why there's such a high percentage of obesity in America as compared to the rest of the world. I think it's because in 1984, a group of English and Irish musicians got together and put out a song that told us to 'feed the world'.
And then a year later, a group of American singers told us, 'We Are the World'"
Three men compare how they control their wives...
Three friends are sitting in a bar after a day of work, discussing their lives when the topic of conversation turns to how often they fight with their wives. The first guy says, "I just put my foot down and tell her what's what, and there's no more arguing after that. Then I get the TV to myself all night."
The second guy says, "I just keep repeating my point until she sees the light. Then she always makes my favourite dinner and gives me a back rub."
The third guy says, "Every time we argue, my wife is always on her hands and knees by the end of it."
The other two look at him, impressed. "Then what happens?" The second one asks.
"Well," the third says, " then she says 'Get out from under the bed and fight me you p**...!' "
To the people comparing Rachel Dolezal pretending to be black to Caitlyn Jenner being trans...
Transrachel isn't the same as transjenner.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi...
...decide to have a friendly competition to see who is the best at their job. To make things interesting, they agree to see who is best at converting the bears in the local woods. A week passes, and they get together to compare notes.
The priest says, "I was walking through the woods and came upon a patch of berries where there was a bear, gathering berries. I walked up to the bear and I gave him the Holy Communion, and thus converted the bear".
The minister goes, "I too was walking through the woods, and came across a stream. There was a bear in the stream, catching fish. So I waded out to him, and baptized the bear right there, and so converting him."
The priest and minster look over to the rabbi, and this guy is in rough shape. He is in total traction, with a full body cast, cuts and scrapes on his face and hands.
"Oy," the rabbi says, "In retrospect, I shouldn't have led with the circumcision."
I just moved in to a new flat with two girls...
I just moved in to a new flat with two girls, it's been a bit of a nightmare to be honest. The first one has really bad OCD, whenever she goes in to a room she has to turn the light switch on and off 17 times. That's nothing compared to the other one, she's got epilepsy
Three women decide to compare their husbands to soft drinks.
Three women are out to brunch, and they're talking about who has the best husband. One of them decides they should compare their respective husbands to soft drinks (sodas).
First woman: "My husband is like 7UP, because he's 7 inches and he's always up."
Second woman: "Well my husband is like Mountain Dew, because when he's mountin' me, he knows what to do."
Third woman: "Well my husband is like Jack Daniels."
First woman: "That's not a soft drink!"
Third woman: "I know, but he's a hard l**...."
My joke was removed for comparing Trump to h**...
Apparently it's against the rules to make personal attacks on someone even after they've been dead for over 70 years.
Paychecks are like d**......
Although you don't go around comparing yours to other peoples, you always hope it's a little bigger.
3 women in a bar are comparing how loose they are...
One claimed they could fit a sausage, another claimed they can fit a cucumber and the other slid down the bar stool.
It's not fair for people to keep comparing Trump to h**....
It's not fair for people to keep comparing Trump to h**.... h**... was a decorated war hero and qualified leader.
It's never worth getting into an argument about creationist Adam & Eve versus evolution
You're just comparing apples and origins
An old soviet joke.
In a prison, two inmates are comparing notes. What did they arrest you for? asks the first. Was it a political or common crime? Of course it was political. I'm a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, 'Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.' So they gave me seven years.
With the Brexit vote being compared to the Presidential election, I have only one thing to say
Make America Great Britain again!
People compare Trump and h**... all the time, but there is one major difference.
h**... was good at making speeches
Parents save more by not vaccinating their children
Baby coffins aren't that expensive compared to the costs of raising a child.
It's quite hard to compare the epididymis and the seminal vesicle
There's a vas deferens between them.
d**... are like paychecks.
You never know how yours compares to others but you always hope it's a little bigger.
Steve Jobs would've been a better POTUS than Trump
Well...
Maybe not?
It's hard to compare apples and oranges.
An artist lives next to a Marsh.
Twice a week, he goes out and collects the clam shells in the marsh to use in his art. One day, he visits a fellow artist and the two compare their works as usual. Suddenly, a gang of bandits breaks into the house to steal art, but before anyone else could react the first artist launches a furious flurry of kicks and punches that quickly incapacitates all the robbers.
"Incredible!" Goes his friend, "I never realised you were so well trained in combat!"
"Well you should," the first artist replied, "considering you already know I am a marsh shell artist."
So today I started comparing myself to a trash can...
... and everything was going great until I realized that trash can actually has a purpose.
A mathematician wasn't too confident about his appearance...
So he asked his friend to compare his good looks in terms he could understand.
After little thought his friend says: "You're about as good looking as you are bad looking."
"Well that's just mean."
I am totally not a racist but...
Compared to all the others types of races, I think the 400 meter hurdles present the most barriers for track athletes.
Why doesn't Donald Trump compare his leadership to Steve Jobs?
Even *he* knows not to compare Apples and oranges.
I heard someone compare African countries to trashcans
I don't think that's a good comparison. My trashcan has food in it.
A Lot Of People Are Saying Steve Jobs Would Make A Better President than Trump.
But that's just ridiculous, it's like comparing apples and oranges.
Women are like...women.
I don't really know anything about them, so I have nothing to compare them with.
I feel that Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Donald Trump
Then again, that's like comparing apples to oranges...
Even Tim Cook would have been a better president than Donald Trump
But that is comparing apples to orange
An Asian walks into a currency exchange and get $100 back for his exchange
Next day he goes there again and for the same amount of money he receives $94 this time.
He asks the teller "why $6 less today compared to yesterday"
The teller say "fluctuations"
The Asian man get up angrily and storms out slamming the door, turns around and shouts "fluc you Americans too!"
Is it okay to compare a man getting the snip with a woman getting her tube tied?
After all, there isn't a vas deferens between the two o**...
(OC) A horse walks into a bar...
So a horse walks into a bar. He sits down and notices that the bartender is a very large lion who's having trouble picking up his comparatively tiny liquor bottles because he doesn't have fingers.
The lion bartender says "Hi," then stares at the horse for an entire minute.
The lion bartender finally continues,
"Why the long face?"
The horse laughs and replies,
"Why the big pause?"
My wife and I compared each other's belly b**... to see which one is better.
It was a battle of navel supremacy.
People seem to like me more now that I say I'm a spiritual person
As compared to before when I used the term "alcoholic" instead
A man goes to Spain on vacation
While he's there he goes to a restaurant and the waiter gives him an additional side dish along with his meal
The man loves the side dish and when he asks the waiter what it is, he says "A bull died in a bull wrestling show and these were its t**..."
The next day the man asks for the same side dish but notices that its tiny compared to the ones yesterday
He asks the waiter why they're so small and the waiter says "Sometimes the bull wins"
Roosevelt, Churchill, and Stalin, meet on a skyscraper
Roosevelt, Churchill, and Stalin want to prove that their generals have a larger sense of duty and tenacity compared to the other nations' soldiers. So they all meet on top of a skyscraper.
Roosevelt goes first, and orders his finest general to jump off the ledge, stating that it was for God and country. The general, states " Sir, you are the greatest president this country has seen, but I cannot jump over the ledge, I have a family to think of!"
Churchill goes second, and orders his finest general to jump off the ledge, stating that it was for God and country. The general, states " Sir, you are the greatest prime minister and have bravely led us through hell and back, but I cannot jump over the ledge, I have a family to think of!"
Stalin goes last, and orders his finest general to jump off the ledge, stating that it was for the greater good of the Soviet state. The general immediately jumps off the ledge, and is caught by a net a few stories down, where he is met by the three leaders.
Roosevelt and Churchill ask the Soviet general, "Why'd you jump?" The soldier grimly replies: "I have a family to think of."
