company Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious company puns

Why is EA the worst gaming company in America?

Because Ubisoft is in Franceο»Ώ.

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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

6 never did trust 7. Sure, they worked closely together, but 7 always seemed at odds with him. 6 always preferred the company of 4, a perfect 10 of a duo, even though 2 kept them apart.
But when it came to 7? 6 always summed it up to bad luck. Then, 6 found the truth.
6 respected 9, even though lewd jokes always seemed to be made about the two. 6 found that 3 and himself could come together and be seen as equal to 9. When 9 was removed, 6 had a very negative feeling.
Some were considered prime suspects in 9's death. 2, 3, 5, and 7. 6 knew it had to be 7. His involvement with 9 added up two well.
6 snuck into 7's house. He looked up from the floorboards, and found himself under 7. An admittedly improper position for him, but 6 saw the proof he wanted: 9's body, half devoured. 7 was a cannibal... 7 8 9.
6 has spent the remainder of his days terrified of 7, worried that someday 7 will learn what 6 knows... And promptly solve his problem.

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Why is everyone criticising EA?

I've only ever known EA as an excellent video game company and pioneer of the early home computer games industry. EA has always had my enjoyment as their primary concern and their community involvement is phenomenal.

($50 has been deposited into your Paypal account, remember to delete this part of the message before posting it).

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I was feeling lonely, so I bought some shares.

It's nice to have some company.

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I felt very lonely so I bought some stocks

It's nice to have a bit of company.

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An army captain approaches a prostitute and asks her, "Would you enjoy my company for $100?"...

She looks at the handsome military officer and says, "Of course, I would be glad!"

Captain replies, "COMPANY! FORWARD!"

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I was very lonely so I bought some shares.

It's nice to have a bit of company.

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I was feeling lonely, so I bought some shares.

Now I have a bit of company.

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I was feeling really lonely recently, so I bought some shares...

It's nice to have a bit of company.

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BREAKING NEWS: A man who took an Airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.

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I told my sister to come work for me at my porn company and that last year I made $1 million. She said that's gross.

I said no, that's net.

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When I am tasked with sorting through a stack of rΓ©sumΓ©s, I throw about half of them in the garbage.

I do not want unlucky people working in our company

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My company got bought out by a Madrid based firm today. Everyone seemed surprised.

Nobody expects the Spanish Acquisition

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Four professionals are interviewing for a math-intensive position in a company

The shortlist of applicants includes a mathematician, a physicist, an engineer, and an accountant.

To begin each interview, the representative from HR poses a simple math problem to warm up the candidates. What is 45+18?

The mathematician immediately responds "63".

The physicist responds "63, plus or minus 5%".

The engineer thinks for a moment and responds "63, but for safety, let's call it 70".

The accountant shuts the door, checks over his shoulder, leans in close to the desk, and whispers *"how much do you want it to be?*"

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I remember when my dad once gave me money to pay the electricity bill.

Instead, I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car. When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me.

But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the house door, parked outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried; especially me, because the car was from the electricity company and they were there to cut off the electricity, so my dad beat the crap out of me again.

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I work for the world's largest nanotechnology company.

We're not very good.

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Four men are in the hospital waiting room!

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, Congratulations! You're the father of twins.

That's odd, answers the man. I work for the Minnesota Twins!

A nurse says to the second guy, Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!

That's weird, answers the second man. I work for the 3M company!

A nurse tells the third man, Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets!

That's strange, he answers. I work for the Four Seasons hotel!

The last man is groaning and banging his head against the wall. What's wrong? the others ask.

I work for 7 Up!

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Sometimes when I feel lonely I buy some stocks

Its nice to have a bit of company

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I was lonely, so I bought some shares..

It's nice to have a bit of company.

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The Hitchhiker

A man is driving across the state to see his wife when he sees a Native American hitchhiker on the side of the road. Thinking he could do with some company, he pulls over and lets the Native man in, offering him a ride home.

The Native man is grateful, but our driver notices that he keeps eying the large bottle of gin on the floor of the passenger seat. Not wanting the guy to get any ideas, he says "Ah, I got that bottle for my wife."

The Native man says nothing for a few moments, then softly replies

"Good trade."

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I was reading my emails...

The other day I was reading my emails and there was one from my boss, it said;

"Mr. Morgan I regret to inform you that although I thought this company could tolerate your ADD, I'm afraid you're just not productive enough. You may turn up Wednesday to collect your things. I sincerely hope you will be OK."

And I thought to myself, doesn't OK look like a sideways person?

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I was feeling very lonely the other day so I bought some stocks.

It's nice to have a bit of company.

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The boss of a small company has two employees, Jack and Jill…

Just recently the company has been doing badly, so the boss decides one of them must go.

Arriving at his office on Monday, the first person he sees is Jill, so he asks her to step into his office and explains his dilemma.

"Look Jill, I'm afraid I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

Jill replies, "You'll have to jack off then, 'cause I've got a headache."

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The difference between before/after getting hired

When Timmy went in for an interview at ABC company, he was hired after a very brief interview. A little skeptical at first, Timmy asked the company representative a few questions.


It went like this:

ABC: Trust me, this company could really use someone new

Timmy: If there is too much work, I'm going to quit...

ABC: We'd NEVER let something like that happen

Timmy: Do employees get every Saturday and Sunday off?

ABC: That's a granted.

Timmy: Are employees required to work overtime without pay?

ABC: No way. Where did you even come up with such a ridiculous idea?

Timmy: Are meals subsidized?

ABC: You BET.

Timmy: Do the new employees usually end up doing ALL the work?

ABC: That's impossible. There are so many other experienced people in our company.

Timmy: If I did well, would I ever become a manager?

ABC: Yes. Absolutely.

Timmy: Wow. Is this for real?


After working there for several months, Timmy noticed that the job wasn't panning out the way he had been promised. Quite upset, he went to file a complaint to the HR dept. The next day, Timmy was summoned into the management's office, where they threatened to fire him for voicing out.

To see his conversation with the management, read the conversation above again.... from the bottom to the top.

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A man lost his luggage so he took the airline company to court

Apparently he lost his case

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The new CEO

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business!

The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

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I was watching The Avengers with my grandpa.

He was asking me all sorts of questions about the movie such as "Who's this character?" And "What about that character?". I explained the heroes as best I could. He finally asks me "Where's Superman?" So I try to explain that too. "Superman's owned by a different company, he's owned by DC, and these heroes in this movie are Marvel characters." He replies "What? The whole world is falling apart in this movie, but Superman can't get out of his contract to help?!"

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A scrawny, skinny lumberjack asks a local lumber company if they're hiring

"Sure, but we ain't taking you. You're a skinny little shit and this is work for a big man."

Outraged, the skinny lumberjack rips the hatchet right off the bigger lumberjack's belt, walks over to a redwood tree, and knocks it down with one swing.

"Ok, then, you're hired. Just tell me this: where on earth did you learn a skill like that?"

"the sahara forest" the scrawny lumberjack replies.

"you mean sahara desert?"

"sure, if that's what they call it now."

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The captain and the prostitute

A captain of the army goes to a prostitute and asks her :
"Say, madam, for a hundred dollars, would you accept my company ?"
And the prostitute answers : "Of course, a handsome military like you"
The captains thanks her, turns around and shout :
"Company, FORWARD !"

(I hope the joke translates well)

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Punctuality....

A company owner was asked a question, "How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?"

He smiled & replied, "It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking."

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A blonde is walking along the shoreline of a lake in Minnesota looking for seashells when she spots another blonde across the lake from her. Eager for company she shouts loudly "How do I get to the other side?"

The other blonde shouts back "You're on the other side!"

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A quantum particle walks into two bars.

In one, he has a few drinks, becomes the life of the party, gets lucky and has a splendid time.

In the other he drinks too much, picks a fight with the wrong company and ends up beaten to half of his life.

The next day, he happens to meet an old buddy. After some very small talk, his friend asks

" hey, so what did you do last night?"

the particle, bruised and beaten shouts "DAMN IT MAN did you have to ask!!"

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So I broke my waterproof speaker, by throwing it into a pool.

I filed a request for a new speaker, but the company responded "it's not our fault the pool was empty".

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Why were all the computers in the company frozen?

Because they let IT go

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I can't believe I got fired just for taking a day off.

I am never working for a calendar company again.

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What company is the best at meeting deadlines?

The Make a Wish Foundation

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I opened a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.

Prophets are going through the roof.

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Why does Missouri share borders with the most amount of States?

Because Missouri loves company

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My company got bought out by a Madrid based firm today. Really blind-sided everyone.

Nobody expected the Spanish Acquisition.

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I went to my boss at work and said, "I need a raise. Three other companies are after me."

He said, "Really? Which companies are after you?"

I said, "The electric company, the utilities company and the phone company."

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As a child, my dad gave me some money to go pay the electric bill. Instead, I used the money to buy a raffle ticket for a new truck.

I went home and told my dad what I had done, and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day when we woke up, my dad opened the door, and there in front of our house was a brand new truck. We all cried, but especially me, because the truck was from the electric company. They were there to shut off our power. My dad beat the crap out of me again.

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During the crusades a man entrusts his friend with the key to his daughter's chastity belt when he is away...

The man entrusted with the key replies with 'Ah yes sir you can count on me'

The father rides onwards and 30 minutes on into his journey his friend speeds to his company on horseback, and shouts at him 'Sir! You left the wrong key!'

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My dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill...

I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car.
When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me.
But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me, because the car was from the electricity company, they were there to cut off the electricity, my dad beat the crap out of me again

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Winston Churchill was dining in fine company, and when asked what piece of chicken he wanted, he requested a breast. A lady upbraided him, saying, "Mr. Churchill, in polite society we ask for white meat or dark."

The next day Churchill sent her a corsage, instructing the lady to affix it to her "white meat."

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Granny's boyfriend

A 5 yr old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.

While playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you dont have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm really happy with the TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she finally started hitting the backside of the TV, hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood a man.

The man said, "Hello, son, is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, but she's in the bedroom banging her boyfriend."

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What's the difference between a coal mining company and catholic priests?

A coal mining company puts miners in shafts.

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I was feeling very lonely so I bought some shares.

It's nice to have a bit of company.

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(NSFW) I heard that Research In Motion, the company that makes BlackBerry phones, is hiring.

So I ran a Google search on RIM Jobs. And you know what? I don't think I'm cut out for this line of work after all.

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So the boss wants to fire one of his employees...

When his company fell on hard times, the boss realized that he'd have to lay off one of his two middle managers. As both Jack and Liz were equally honest and dedicated to their jobs, he was unable to decide which one to fire. To resolve his dilemma, the boss arbitrarily decided that the first to leave his or her desk the next morning would be the one to get the ax. The next morning found Liz at her desk, rubbing her temples. Asking Jack for some aspirin, she headed for the water fountain and that's where the boss caught up with her. "I've got some bad news for you, Liz," he said. "I've got to lay you or Jack off." "Jack off," she snapped. "I have a headache."

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Five cannibals get hired

Five cannibals get hired on as engineers at a large International Company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says, "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for a meal, so please don't eat any of the other employees." The cannibals promised.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?" The cannibals all shake their heads no.
After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Vice Presidents, Corporate Lawyers, and Regional Managers and no one noticed anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!"

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So 4 guys are talking in a bar.

So 4 guys are talking in a bar, one leaves to go to the restroom while the others continue to talk. They start talking about the success of their sons, the first man says "my son's car company is so successful he was able to get his best friend a new Ferrari for his birthday." The second man boasts "well my son's real estate company is so successful he was able to give his best friend a new house for his birthday." The third man says "my son's airline company is so successful he was able to give his best friend a private jet for his birthday. The forth man comes back from the restroom and asks what everyone is talking about, they reply back "we're just talking about the success of our sons." The forth man says "oh, my son is a gay stripper," the other three men feel sorry for him and apologize, but the forth man simply says "don't worry about it, it's not that bad, for his birthday he got a new ferrari, house, and a private jet from his three boyfriends."

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I opened a company selling land mines disguised as prayer matts

Prophets are going through the roof

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I'm gonna start a company where I drive people around to haunted places.

It'll be called Ghost Bus Tours

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A man is told to lay off a member of his staff

At a small company, a manager is told that, due to downsizing, he has to lay off someone from his staff. After much agonizing, he narrows his list down to two people. Not sure who to get rid of, he talks to his boss for advice.

"On one hand, Mary is a really great worker," he says. "But on the other hand, Jack is a single father and really needs this job to support his kids."

His boss replies, "I don't know what to tell you, why don't you just go ask them?"

So, when Mary comes into work, the manager goes to talk to her and says, "Listen, Mary, I've got a bit of a dilemma. I've got to lay you or Jack off."

And she responds, "You better jack off, I've got a headache."

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I was feeling lonely

I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares.

It's nice to have some company.

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I recently opened a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats

Prophets are going through the roof

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I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares.

It's nice to have a bit of company.

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Tried to start an origami company...

It folded.

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Everyone is panicking about the stock markets....

But the 31 foot mexican ladder company I invested in is surging.

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I'm not one to brag about my financial skills,

but my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding.

~ Rob DenBleyker (Cyanide & Happiness)

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A man goes to a job interview...

His resume was fantastic and his qualities was perfect for the company. The interviewers were impressed.

"You are a strong candidate, and we would like to hire you. However, there's this 5 years gap in your resume. What were you doing during that time?"

"I went to Yale"

"Wow great! You're hired"

"Yay, I got a yob!"

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What is the quietest place on Earth?

The complaint department at a parachute packing company.

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I started a company

I started a company that sells land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.

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Snoop Dogg seems to be investing in a company that will deliver weed to your house in 10 minutes...

Sadly, the name Instagram is taken.

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I work for the world's biggest NanoTechnology company

We're not very good

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I want to start an interior design company, I'm going to call it 9/11

because it's an inside job.

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I've set up a company to rid people of vampires.

I'm the main stakeholder.

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My hard driving, asshole boss just quit the company, he announced he's moving to Taiwan!

apparently he has a Taipei personality ...


Sorry for the Taipo - /u/damn_wiston

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An old man wants to get life insurance

The employee working at the insurance company asks:

'How old are you, sir?'

'I'm 102.'

'102?! And you wanna get life insurance at *your* age? You know what? Come back tomorrow.'

'Tomorrow ain't good. We'll be celebrating my dad's birthday.'

'Your dad's birthday?! How old is he?'

'He's 139.'

'Okay, come back next week then.'

'Next week is definitely a bad time for me. We're gonna have a week-long party for my grandfather's wedding.'

'Your grandfather's weddig?! How old is he?'

'He's 164.'

'And he wants to get married at *his* age?'

'Nah, he doesn't, it's just that his parents are forcing him...'

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I was very lonely so i bought some shares

It's nice to have a bit of company.

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Golfing assassin

So a guy was out golfing by himself when he ran into a stranger who asked if they should play together. The guy would love some company and said yes.

So they were walking along the golf course chatting when the topic of professions came up.
"What do you do for a living?", the guy says.
"Well, I'm an assassin" the stranger replies.
"what, really?
"Yeah, I even brought my rifle", the assassin says and proceed to pull out a rifle with a huge scope on it.
"Wow, that's a huge scope! Bet I could see all the way to my house with that thing" The guy says
"Well have a look then", answers the assassin

So the guy takes the rifle and looks to his house. He sees straight into the bedroom where his wife is having sex with the neighbor.

Infuriated, the guy turns to the assassin and says "Those fucking bastards! How could they do this to me?"
"That's a bummer man, but if you want to, I'd be happy to kill them for you. I charge $5000 per shot tough"

The guy contemplates this for a little while and then says "yeah ok, I want you to put a bullet in her head, then take away his manhood, can you do that?"

"No problem".

So the assassin gets his gun and lies down and waits. And waits. And waits.

Finally, the guy had enough and goes "What's taking so long?"
"Hold on", the assassin says. "I'm trying to get you a two-for-one"

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Why was the dildo company so successful?

Good product placement.

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I opened a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats

Prophets are through the roof

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I rented some heavy lifting equipment in Kiev

from a company called You Crane.

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What's the difference between a priest and a chilean mining company?

One gets its miners stuck in shafts, and the other gets its shaft stuck in minors.

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My boss wanted me to sign up for the company 401k.

I told him, "No way, do you have any idea how far that is?"

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Customer Support

A foreign man applied for a job as an outsourced customer support representative. At the end of his interview, the company hiring him was very impressed.

"Well Mujibar, we really think you'd make a great employee, we just have one more test for you to pass the interview. We need you to use the words 'green,' 'pink,' and 'yellow' all in the same sentence.

He thought for a moment, and in a thick foreign accent he said "The phone goes 'green, green,' and I pink it up and say 'Yellow, this is Mujibar, how may I help you today?'"

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Slackers

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?" The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

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The tough CEO

A company, feeling it was time for a shake up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?" The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

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I own a company selling land mines that look like prayer blankets

Prophets are going through the roof!

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Why is EA the worst gaming company in America?

Because Ubisoft is in France.

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The new IT guy at my company is from Australia.

He comes from a LAN down under.

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A bunch of beer company CEOs are at a conference and they decide to go get a drink...

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light, the CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light, the CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light, and the list goes on. The bartender makes his way to the CEO of Guiness and he orders a Coke.

His colleagues ask, "why don't you order a Guiness?"

And the Guiness CEO replies, "If you guys aren't going to drink beer, then neither will I."

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After two weeks on a desert island with only each other for company, Bob and Geoff are getting horny..

"Look," says Bob, "Neither of us are gay, but if you pretend to be a women for me, when I'm done, I'll pretend to be a woman for you."

Geoff reluctantly agrees and suffers 10 minutes of painful humiliation as Bob fucks him up the arse. When it's over, Geoff asks Bob for his go.

"Fuck off," Bob replies, "I've got a headache."

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I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill, but instead I bought a lottery ticket for a brand new car.

When i got home I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me, because the car was from the electricity company, they were there to cut off the electricity, my dad beat the crap out of me again.

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Being Fired

If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will enjoy this.

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy,

"How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said,

"I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said,

"Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked,

"Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said,

"Sure - he was the Pizza delivery guy from Domino's and was just waiting to collect the money!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A politician needs to hire a engineering company to build a bridge in his city. He's got offers from companies from three different companies:

A Chinese, an American and a Brazilian company.

The representative from the Chinese company says: "I'll do it for $3 million dollars. One million for the workforce, one for supplies and one for my profit. It's cheapest price you will ever find".

The representative from the American company says: "I'll do it for $6 million dollars. Two million for the workforce, two for supplies and two for my profit".

The Brazilian guy says: "I'll do it for $9 millon dollars".

The politician, very surprised, says: "What? Why is it so expensive?"

And the Brazilian answers: "3 million for me, 3 for you and 3 to have the Chinese guy build the bridge".

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I called my girlfriends cell phone and some other guy answered the phone...

He told me that my phone number was no longer in service and to call the phone company to pay my bill.

First she cheats on me and then she tells him about my financial troubles!

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Charley is a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart,

just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly"policies.

One day the boss called him into the office fora talk.

"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-upjob when you finally get here; but your being late so often
is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.

Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder.

Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment,

I know you're retired from the US NAVY. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning late so often?"

The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled.

He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin,

"They usually saluted and said,

'Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir?'"


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Information Technology cannibals

Five cannibals get selected as programmers in an IT company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and if you are hungry, you can go to the company cafeteria for something to eat. So don't bother the other employees". The cannibals promise not to bother the other employees.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our cleaners has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals deny any knowledge of the missing cleaner.

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which one of you idiots ate the cleaner?"

A hand rise hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Managers, and Project Managers so no-one would notice anything. Why you just had to go and eat the cleaner?!"

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My electricity bill was running suspiciously high

Had the power company send someone over. He found a wire tapped into my house running to a neighbor's. Watt do you know, a Joule thief lives next to my Ohm.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What company is going to start selling pills that are the opposite of Viagra?

Ubisoft.

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There's a strange new trend at work, people are writing names on the food in the company fridge

Today I had a chicken sandwich named Kevin

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A Man asks his lover in a restaurant

Man : Honey, what do you love most about me?

Woman : I love your company the most darling!

Man : Wow really? that is so sweet of you my love

Woman : Um, it's still making money right?
*edit :forgot to mention that I remember this joke from Benny Hills show, not my own joke


*edit 2 : Benny Hills not Benn, autocorrect strikes again!

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A guy wakes up one morning and sees a gorilla in the tree outside his second-story bedroom window.

He panics and calls the first wild animal control company in the phone book, a discount one as it turns out. An old man shows up at his door a few minutes later holding a crate. He steps inside the house and unloads a pair of handcuffs, a shotgun, an collapsible 10-foot pole and a small angry Chihuahua.

He leans in and begins- Son, here's what we're going to do. I'm going to climb that old tree back yonder and poke that there gorilla till he loses his grip and falls to the ground. When he does, this here dog is trained to immediately latch onto his balls something fierce and won't let go. When the beast goes to defend himself, you put those handcuffs on him. Easy as pie, son. You got all that?

The homeowner glances around. Well, what's the shotgun for then?

If by chance the gorilla knocks me out of tree first, for fucks sake son, shoot the dog.


(edit for the mistakes)

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John Deere's manure spreader...

...is the only equipment the company won't stand behind.

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I made a company that disguises land mines as prayer mats...

Prophets are through the roof

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Sam walks into his boss's office.

Sir, I'll be straight with you, I know the economy isn't great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.

After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5 per cent raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave.

By the way , asks the boss as Sam is getting up, which three companies are after you?

The electric company, water company, and phone company , Sam replied.

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A man storms into his manager's office

and demands a raise. "And just so you know," he blusters, "three other companies are after me!"

"Is that so?" the manager says. "Which companies in particular?"

"The electricity company, the telephone company and the gas company."

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Remember: YouTube is a private company that can do whatever it wants.

It's not like it's a bakery or something.

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My best friend tried to hide his drug dealing through a fake tobacco company and glass manufacturer.

It was all just smoke and mirrors.

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My friend's nanotechnology company is doing really well.

In fact, it's doing so well that he's considering moving to smaller premises.

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Jewish ad campaign

Old man Moskowitz was getting along in years. He decided to retire and let his 3 sons run the company (which manufactured a wide variety of nails). The sons thought they could increase market-share with some judicious billboard advertising.
Only a week later the old man was taking his usual Sunday drive in the country when he saw the first billboard ad. There it was - a picture of Christ on the Cross, with the caption: "Nails for Every Purpose. Use Moskowitz Nails."
The old man immediately met with his 3 sons to voice his concern. He explained that the backlash could be horrendous. The company could be ruined. The sons agreed to discontinue that ad.
A week later the old man was again taking his usual Sunday drive when he saw the second billboard ad. There it was - - a picture of the same cross, empty, with Christ crumpled on the ground below... and the caption: "Next Time Use Moskowitz Nails."

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I'm normally not one to brag about my financial skills

But my credit card company calls me almost everyday to inform me my balance is outstanding!

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A new hot secretary joined a company...

Two guys of this company start to speak about her:

"Holy molly she is so hot, we should really try to sleep with her"

So they start flirting with her.

One week later, the first one manages to sleep with her. His friend asks him "So, how was it?" "Meh, my wife is better".

Surprised by this answer, this guy starts to hit on the secretary very hard, and gets to have sex with her three days later.

His friend then asks him if he shares his opinion. He answers: "Yeah, you were actually right: your wife is better".

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There was an International Job opening.

Two men applied, a Canadian man, and an American. After the test and the interview, they company decided to go with the Canadian man. The American with distraught asked why they decided to hire the Canadian and how he did in the interview and test. They said it was a very difficult decision because they both did equally well on the test and in the interview. The American was outraged. "THEN WHY DID YOU HIRE THE CANADIAN?!?." The manager then responded, "Well, you both did equally well in the interview, but the real problem was the test. You both got 9/10 on the test, but for question 10, the Canadian man put 'I don't know' and you put 'me neither.'"

Shout out to my Math Teacher for telling me this one.

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A man went to China.

He hired a prostitute to keep him company during the night, and when things got serious, she kept shouting a word in Chinese.


The next day, the man went to a golf course with a couple of business associates. They had a good afternoon until a person hit a hole in one. Everyone started shouting in excitement, and the man decided to join in, shouting the word he hears last night, thinking it was that of excitement.

Everyone turned to the man in silence. After a full minute of awkward silence, the one who made the shot asked "What do you mean, wrong hole?"

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I opened a company selling landmines that look like prayer mats

Prophets are going through the roof

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I'm angry that only one company makes the game monopoly.

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Whats the difference between a coal mining company and the Catholic Church?

A coal mining company puts miners in shafts not the other way around.......

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I handle important transactions for a large multinational company ...

... is what a tell my Mum instead of saying I work at McDonald's.

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A company hire an efficiency expert as a consultant.

To everyone's surprise, the presentation was very interesting. For once many felt like this was a valuable use of time! as the presenter finished up, he said, "I hope you have found use in my presentation today, but I would warn you, be careful about using these techniques at home. The other night I was watching as my wife did the dinner dishes, and noticed some inefficiency in her technique. Wanting to be helpful, I advised her of several small improvements that could add up to maximum efficiency."
One of the attendees raised their hand,"Did it work? Did the dishwashing become more efficient?"
"Oh yes," the consultant replied,"before my advice, my wife took 18 minutes to finish the dishes, now I do it in 12."

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Car company executives must have the best memories in the world

because GM recalls everything.

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My dad and I were never that close.

The company he worked for once had a "father-son" picnic and he invited his father

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A trucker picks up a hitch hiker

They get a few miles down the road and the hitch hiker notices a monkey sitting on the truckers' head rest.

"Damn man! You got a pet monkey?"

"Well," the trucker replied, "it gets loney out here on the road. I needed some company. I don't like dogs or cats. And monkeys are easy to train."

"So he does tricks?"

The trucker slaps the monkey in the back of the head and the monkey jumps in the truckers' lap, pulls down his zipper and starts to pleasure him. The hitcher can barely watch, looking back and away, back and away. After a whole minute the monkey climbs back to his spot.

"That's crazy man!"

"Well, I told you it gets lonely out here. Wanna try it?"

The hitcher thinks hard and says, " sure.....just don't slap me in the head as hard, OK?"

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Why did the toy company stop donating toys to kids in Africa?

Because it's pretty depressing to have a Tamagotchi that'll out-live you.

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Stephen Hawking

If Stephen hawking started a company, What would his position in the company be?



The Chairman

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Teacher asks little Jonny "how long has your Dad been working at his company"

Little Jonny replies "ever since they threatened to fire him"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I felt lonely, so I bought stocks.

Now I got some Company.

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So I just started my own indoor ship production company.

Production was great, until sales started going through the roof.

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Strange new trend at the office

People are putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Bert, the oldest guy at the company was retiring...

At his retirement party, as a surprise, a large cake was rolled out, and a sexy, scantly clad woman jumped out! The woman called him over and whispered, "Hey there sexy, you want some super sex tonight?"
"Well", said Bert, "that depends, what sort of soup?"

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I recently bought 51% of a vampire hunting company.

I'm now the main stake holder.

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A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage.

Sadly, he lost his case.

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My girlfriend gave me an ultimatum.

"I'm sick of you coming home from the pub drunk out of your mind," she yelled.

"Oh yeah?" I said, burping.

"It's either me or the pub," she said.

I thought well, the pub has better company, but my house has bitter on tap...

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Bubble wrap

I work in the props department for a stage show company. Yesterday my boss asked me to fetch a 30-yard roll of bubble wrap from the store room. I brought it to her but her hands were full so she told me to just pop it in the corner. Took me an hour.

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My dad explained the working world to me this way :

Imagine everyone are birds on hanging wires. The birds on different levels of overhead hanging electrical wires are a representation of positions of power in a company.

Birds on the highest level are your CEOs. Likewise, as the levels decrease, so do the positions. The lower levels contain the managers, and below them the executives, juniors, etc. And of course, birds being birds, they all shit on each other.

Conclusion : When the top birds look downwards, all they see is shit. When bottom level guys look up, all they see are assholes.

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Bounty Towels have declined making a Donald Trump Towel

The company explained that it was impossible to make the towel because Donald Trump was already too self-absorbed.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

To bring a girl home,I just whisper in her ear "You know,if i get excited,It can touch the bottom of the Pringles Can"

I can see her eyes light up with excitement and thank the Pringles company for introducing the new Snack size cans.....

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How Do You Start a Flood?

An engineer and an attorney were fishing in the Caribbean.

The attorney said, I'm here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.

"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood and my insurance company also paid for everything.

The puzzled attorney asked, How do you start a flood?

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A small business fell on hard times

and the owner knew that the only way for his company to survive, he would have to let one of his employees go.

He struggled with the decision for weeks. Jack was always willing to put in the extra hours to get the job done right and Jill was talented and intelligent, just the kinds of people that any small business needs.

He confided in Jill, hoping that maybe she would know how to fix the company without any firings. He said, "Hey Jill, listen. I either need to lay you or Jack off."

Jill replied, "I'm really tired. Could you just jack off?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An American, an Englishman, a German and a Japanese go golfing on their annual meetup...

As they are playing, they hear a ringing sound. The American rushes to his golf bag and pulls out a mobile phone. He answers the phone and when the conversation is done, he explains to his friends, "My company needs to be in touch with me all the time, so I carry this fancy phone around with me." The other golfers are mildlyinterested.

As they continue playing, another ringing sound is heard. The Englishman puts his thumb to his ear and his last finger on his mouth and also has a conversation. When he is done he says "My company also needs to be in touch with me, so they installed a speaker on my thumb and a microphone on my last finger. The antenna is in my hat. The other golfers nod in approval at his technology.

Later in the day, yet another ringing sound is heard. The German tilts his head and starts talking. When he is done he says to the others, "To keep in contact with my company, there's a speaker in my ear canal and a microphone in my tooth. The antenna is in my spine." The other golfers are impressed at such marvels of technology.

As they are playing the last hole, a beeping sound is heard and the Japanese runs into the bushes. After he hasn't shown up for a while, the other golfers look for him and eventually find him squatting on the ground, pants down. "Oh, I'm sorry for intruding." Says one of them. "Oh, it's okay. I'm just waiting for a fax."

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Company meeting at the factory

Employee 1: We need to stop testing our product on animals.

Employee 2: Shampoo companies test on animals all the time though.

Employee 1: Ya but we're a dildo factory.

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An Atheist and a Christian walk into a bar...

...they proceed to have a few drinks and enjoy each others company because they're not pretentious assholes

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A miner walks into a San Francisco bar.

He's been working out in the gold mines for 6 months and is desperately craving the company of a woman. He walks up to the bartender and asks, "I don't suppose you have any women? I haven't had sex in months..."
The bartender replies, "No, sorry... BUT we do have Chinaman Charlie out back if you want".
The miner says "Thanks, but I don't swing that way", and turns around and heads back to the mines.

He comes back in another 6 months, and asks again. "Do you have any women since I was here last time?"
"No, but we still have Chinaman Charlie"
"Sorry, I don't swing that way". The miner buys a whiskey and turns around and walks out the door and goes back to work in the mines.

6 months after that, the miner comes back to the bar.
"You get any women? It's been a year since my first visit..."
"No man, sorry. We still have Chinaman Charlie though".

Now, the miner is pretty desperate at this point. It's been 18 months since he last got laid, and he's tired of waiting. After some deep consideration, the miner sighs and says, "Alright fine. The only people that'll know about this is you, me, and Chinaman Charlie, right?"

"Yep. And the two men that hold him down," says the bartender.
"Why would there be two men holding him down?" The miner asks with a confused look on his face.

"Chinaman Charlie doesn't swing that way either".

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Three guys are fishing in the Carribean.

One guy says, I had a terrible fire and lost everything. Now the insurance is paying for everything, and that's why I am here.

The second guy says, I had a terrible explosion. I lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that's why I am here.

The third guy says, What a coincidence! I had a terrible flood; I lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that's why I'm here!

The other two guys turn to him with confusion and ask, Flood? How do you start a flood?

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My company has a weekly joke and after four years I'm quite sick of it.

They call it a "paycheck" when it's barely an allowance!

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Salesman

A sales company has particular trouble selling bibles. One day, a man comes in with a job application and says, "l-l-l-l'd l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-t-t-t-to b-b-b-b- b-be a b-b-b-bible salesman, s-s-s-sir." lnititally, he doesn't want to give the job to this man, but decided to try him out.

After three weeks, the manager is looking at the charts and realizes that the newest guy is selling the most copies. Amazed, he calls him in to his office. "You've only worked here for three weeks and you've already sold more copies than anyone else here! How do you do it?"

"W-w-w-w-w-well, l g-g-g-go up t-t-t-t-to th-the d-d-d-door and-d-d l-l--l s-s-s-say, w-w-w-w-would y-y-y-y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-b-buy a b-b-b-bible, or w-w-w-would y-y-you l-l-l-like m-m-me t-t-t-to r-r-r-r-read it t-t-t-t-t-to y-y-y-you?"

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A synagogue is being audited by the IRS

The auditor was really eager to catch the Rabbi with wasting charity funds.

Auditor - what do you do with the candle drippings?

Rabbi - we collect it and send it back to the candle company. Every once in a while, they send us back new candles.

Auditor - when you're finished eating your matza, what do you do with the crumbs?

Rabbi - we collect it and send it back to the company and every once in a while, they send us back some matza meal.

Auditor - when you perform a circumcision, what do you do with the foreskin?

Rabbi - we collect them and send them back to Washington. Every once in a while they send us back an auditor!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why did the chicken love Campbell's Soup?

Because his family had stock in the company.

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The parrot

A young man decides to take a look around a pet store one morning. As he is walking through the store, he notices a parrot with no legs sitting on a perch. "Pssst, Pssst" the bird said as he motioned the man over to him. "You should take me home, I would make great company". "But you're defective, you have no legs. How do you even stay on that perch?" The man asked. "Aw that's simple" the bird replied. "I just wrap my dick around it, keeps me secure". The man laughed to himself and decided he had nothing to lose and brought his new companion home. When the man returned from work the next day, the bird motioned him over once again, "Pssst, Pssst". The man approached the bird and asked "what's the problem?". The bird replied "I don't know how to tell you this, but right after you left for work your neighbour came over, and him and your wife started kissing, and touching, and rubbing..." "Oh my God, then what happened?!"

"I don't know, I got a hard on and fell off my perch".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The company Valve is just like a child. It came into the world on the 24th August, 1996. Nurtured by a community...

...only to get fucked as soon as it turns 21.

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It's an Army Captain's first day as Company Commander.....

He is in his new office, unpacking his stuff and setting things up, there is a knock on the door. The new Captain wants to impress his new soldiers, so he sits down, picks up the phone, and says "Come in."

A private enters the room, the Captain holds up his finger and starts talking "Ok General, thanks for the invitation to dinner at your house. I'm excited to be here and thanks again for hand picking me to Command this unit. See you Friday night. bye."

He hangs up and looks at the private and says "Hey there, what can I do for you?"

The private says "Good morning Sir, I'm just here to hook up your phone. "

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Four men in a hospital

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse approaches the first guy and says, "Congratulations! You're the father of twins." "That's odd," answers the man. "I work for the Minnesota Twins!" A nurse then yells to the second man, "Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!" "That's weird," answers the second man. "I work for the 3M company!" A nurse goes up to the third man saying, "Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets." "That's strange," he answers. "I work for the Four Seasons hotel!" The last man begins groaning and banging his head on the wall. "What's wrong?" the others ask. "I work for 7 Up!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I wanted to get a second dog to keep my dog company. I asked my dog if he wanted me to bring him a male dog or a female dog. He replied...

"Bitch, please".

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A Russian one (slightly NSFW)

In fact it's not a joke, it's what we call 'baika' here, a funny story from someone's life. So here it goes

A company of friends goes to Finnland. They move into a cottage village and one of them has to take a shit after this really long way 'train - ferryboat - bus'. And it turns out to be a big-big shit. He presses the button to flush and the thing doesn't work.

So the guy realizes he doesn't speak Finnish and chambermaids presumably don't speak Russian. But Soviet education system is the best in the world, and finally he finds two words in English that could help him. He goes out, finds a chambermaid and says to her:

– Come!

She follows him to the WC, he shows this really big pile of shit and says:

– Look!

He presses the button, and... it works!


*sorry for my English*

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I'll have you know I'm in a great financial situation.

Even my credit card company says my balance is outstanding!

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I hired some lawyers to sue the airline company for mishandling my luggage.

They lost my case.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Saying goodbye to mother

We were dressed, and ready to go. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the day. So she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the backyard!'

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two things went wrong today

1. My Wife got ran over by a bus

2. I lost my job at the bus company

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What are the best Company puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Company? Well, here are the best jokes about Company to have fun with.

Joko Jokes