Company Jokes

Why is EA the worst gaming company in America?

Because Ubisoft is in France.

Why is everyone criticising EA?

I've only ever known EA as an excellent video game company and pioneer of the early home computer games industry. EA has always had my enjoyment as their primary concern and their community involvement is phenomenal.

($50 has been deposited into your Paypal account, remember to delete this part of the message before posting it).

I'm not one to brag about my financial skills,

but my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding.

I was reading my emails...

The other day I was reading my emails and there was one from my boss, it said;

"Mr. Morgan I regret to inform you that although I thought this company could tolerate your ADD, I'm afraid you're just not productive enough. You may turn up Wednesday to collect your things. I sincerely hope you will be OK."

And I thought to myself, doesn't OK look like a sideways person?

I work for the world's largest nanotechnology company.

We're not very good.

Winston Churchill was dining in fine company, and when asked what piece of chicken he wanted, he requested a breast. A lady upbraided him, saying, "Mr. Churchill, in polite society we ask for white meat or dark."

The next day Churchill sent her a corsage, instructing the lady to affix it to her "white meat."

The captain and the p**...

A captain of the army goes to a p**... and asks her :
"Say, madam, for a hundred dollars, would you accept my company ?"
And the p**... answers : "Of course, a handsome military like you"
The captains thanks her, turns around and shout :
"Company, FORWARD !"

(I hope the joke translates well)

I'm gonna start a company where I drive people around to haunted places.

It'll be called Ghost Bus Tours

I opened a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.

Prophets are going through the roof.

BREAKING NEWS: A man who took an Airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.

A blonde is walking along the shoreline of a lake in Minnesota looking for seashells when she spots another blonde across the lake from her. Eager for company she shouts loudly "How do I get to the other side?"

The other blonde shouts back "You're on the other side!"

What's the difference between a coal mining company and catholic priests?

A coal mining company puts miners in shafts.

A man goes to a job interview...

His resume was fantastic and his qualities was perfect for the company. The interviewers were impressed.

"You are a strong candidate, and we would like to hire you. However, there's this 5 years gap in your resume. What were you doing during that time?"

"I went to Yale"

"Wow great! You're hired"

"Yay, I got a yob!"

During the crusades a man entrusts his friend with the key to his daughter's chastity belt when he is away...

The man entrusted with the key replies with 'Ah yes sir you can count on me'

The father rides onwards and 30 minutes on into his journey his friend speeds to his company on horseback, and shouts at him 'Sir! You left the wrong key!'

Why were all the computers in the company frozen?

Because they let IT go

Tried to start an origami company...

It folded.

Why does Missouri share borders with the most amount of States?

Because Missouri loves company

Punctuality....

A company owner was asked a question, "How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?"

He smiled & replied, "It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking."

Everyone is panicking about the stock markets....

But the 31 foot mexican ladder company I invested in is surging.

When I am tasked with sorting through a stack of résumés, I throw about half of them in the garbage.

I do not want unlucky people working in our company

The boss of a small company has two employees, Jack and Jill…

Just recently the company has been doing badly, so the boss decides one of them must go.

Arriving at his office on Monday, the first person he sees is Jill, so he asks her to step into his office and explains his dilemma.

"Look Jill, I'm afraid I'm going to have to lay you or j**...."

Jill replies, "You'll have to j**... then, 'cause I've got a headache."

What company is the best at meeting deadlines?

The Make a Wish Foundation

I went to my boss at work and said, "I need a raise. Three other companies are after me."

He said, "Really? Which companies are after you?"

I said, "The electric company, the utilities company and the phone company."

So I broke my waterproof speaker, by throwing it into a pool.

I filed a request for a new speaker, but the company responded "it's not our fault the pool was empty".

My company got bought out by a Madrid based firm today. Everyone seemed surprised.

Nobody expects the Spanish Acquisition

An army captain approaches a p**... and asks her, "Would you enjoy my company for $100?"...

She looks at the handsome military officer and says, "Of course, I would be glad!"

Captain replies, "COMPANY! FORWARD!"

A man lost his luggage so he took the airline company to court

Apparently he lost his case

I can't believe I got fired just for taking a day off.

I am never working for a calendar company again.

I was feeling very lonely the other day so I bought some stocks.

It's nice to have a bit of company.

I was feeling lonely, so I bought some shares.

It's nice to have some company.

4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.

The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light.

The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.

The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied:

"I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer it would be rude for me to."

If Elon Musk's space company establishes a Mars colony, and you have a girlfriend on mars, but later break up because of long distance, she'd be your....

Space x.

There was company that sold s**... toys to aliens.

It was SpaceXXX.

What's Alabama like?

My new company owner is from there. Seems friendly, he said he's going to treat us employees like we was family?

Today i got a wage increase unexpectedly.

I told my boss three companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my job. We haggled for a few minutes and he gave me a 5 % raise.

Leaving his office, he stopped and asked me, By the way, which companies are after you? I responded, The gas, electric and cable company.

It was just announced that William Shatner's womens' l**... company has been discontinued.

Apparently "Shatner p**..." isn't a great name for an underwear brand.

In 1999, in the midst of the Y2K panic, the k**... Jelly company announced it was now Y2K compliant:

Known as 'Y2KY Jelly, it now allowed you to put all four digits in your date

Four guys are playing golf together and talking about how successful their sons are.

The first says, "My son is so successful, he's VP of his company and just gave his best friend a car. "

The second says, " That's nothing, my son is CEO of his company and just gave his best friend a house."

The third says, "Well, my son owns 3 highly profitable companies and just gave his best friend a jet."

They look expectantly at the last guy who says, "My son is a gay e**... who gets showered with love and admiration. He just got a car, a house, and a jet from three of his clients."

What's the difference between a Texas energy company and a Dumpster Fire?

A Dumpster Fire creates affordable light and heat.

A company owner was asked a question,

How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?"
He smiled & replied, "It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking."

When I was a boy, my dad gave me money to go downtown and pay the electric bill

But instead, I bought raffle tickets for a chance to win a new truck.

I told my dad when I got home and he beat my a**....

The next morning, however, there was a brand new truck in the driveway.

We all held each other and cried, especially me because it was the truck from the electric company there to turn off the lights.

So dad beat my a**... again

If you ever feel lonely, buy stocks.

You will have company

I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.

Boss: "What companies are those?"

Me: "The electricity company and the water company."

I'm a screenwriter and I just signed an amazing 2-year deal with the parent company of Universal Pictures!

I'm going to be getting the basic cable plus HBO.

Our company recently did a password audit, it was found that an employee was using the following password:

**"VaderObiwanLukeBobafettGandalfFrodoGimliLegolasSacramento"**

When asked why he had such a long password, he rolled his eyes and said: *Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital."*

Why can't blondes work at the M&M Company?

Because they throw away all the ones with w's

Me to HR: Your careers page says the company offers "competitive salary". What does that mean exactly?

HR: That means your salary will be competing with your bills.

I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college. Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me.

13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.

Eminem has started a vaccine company

You only get one shot

When I was a boy my dad gave me money....

When I was a boy my dad gave my money to go downtown and pay the electric bill but instead I bought raffle tickets for a chance to win a truck. I told my dad when I got home and he beat my a**... but the next morning in the driveway sat a new truck. We all held each other and cried, especially me because it was the truck from electric company there to turn the lights off.
....Dad beat my a**... again ....

I'm a 21-year-old multimillionaire. Here's how I did it.

1. I get up at 5:00 AM every day
2. I run for an hour before breakfast
3. Afterward, I take a cold shower to wake me up.
4. Journaling is key. You never know when you might need to remember something.
5. Always write down an appointment as soon as you get it.
6. My dad owns a Fortune 500 company.
7. I meditate every day

A coworker named Celcius recently retired from my company, so they hired a guy called Kelvin to replace him.

He's the new temp.

A company just rented me a limo for $300, but I just found out that it doesn't come with a driver.

So I have a limo but nothing to chauffeur it.

I'll show myself out..,

I was feeling a bit lonely so I bought some stock

Now I have a bit of company.

I have a feeling that I'll be fired from my job at the graffiti removal company.

The writing is on the wall.

My buddy and I have been working at this company for several years

We thought everything was going great. Numbers were up, sales were soaring! But one day our boss announced that the entire company was being bought out by some company in Spain.

What?! I exclaimed to my friend. This is so out of the blue! Never in a million years could I have seen this coming.

My friend shook his head and looked at me sideways. Nobody expects the Spanish Acquisition, he sighed.

A lumberjack walks into the company office to get paid.

The secretary says, I have a check here for cutting down 236 trees this week.

The lumberjack replies, I actually cut down 237 trees.

Are you sure? , says the secretary, Your foreman counted 236 on the truck.

Sure, I'm sure, replies the lumberjack. I kept a log .

Adam spoke to God in the Garden of Eden

"I am lonely" said Adam. "I need someone around for company."

"Very well," said God. "I will create a companion for you. One who will obey your every word, do all your chores along with cooking and cleaning for you."

"Wonderful!" said Adam. "What will it take?"

"For you, it will cost an arm and a leg" said God.

"That seems pretty steep" said Adam. "What could I get for just a rib?"

Credit card company called me to report suspicious activity...

I asked what kind of suspicious activity and they said someone made a payment.

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

One to climb the ladder, one to shake it and one to sue the ladder company

People are shocked that a company fired a woman because of her bad figure.

But in their defense, it was *Figure 2.7: why my boss is an idiot.*

Two major banks from Mexico and America are merging next month

They're calling the new company CapitalJuan

Apparently the company that makes Tupperware is going bust, which is a surprise.

I thought their finances would have been airtight.

Did you hear? Rob Schneider is starting his own DIY electrical wiring protection company?

It's called **You Conduit!**

Why do boobs keep to themselves?

Because they have the company of their breast friend!!

I used to work for an origami company

Until it folded