The Best 69 Comp Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Comp jokes. There are some comp dota jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these comp jer puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Comp Jokes and Puns
I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.
It's my thirty-second birthday.
My computer has a virus that causes unblockable popups and constantly demands my personal information...
...it's called Norton
I don't like my computer memory.
Not one bit.
A computer joke...
I hear they make gender-specific versions of ActiveX now: ActiveXX and ActiveXY. Unfortunately, ActiveXX overflows for a few days every month and ActiveXY constantly tries to mount drives it shouldn't.
Why couldn't the computer play golf?...
...Because it had the wrong Driver
Computer diagnosis
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only cost you $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:
1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using cocaine.
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better.
So I complimented my friend's majestic moustache.
No idea why she had to slap me though.
It's complicated having sex with hipsters.
They don't like things that are "in".
I am completely obsessed with collecting magazines.
What can I say, I have issues.
A computer programmer was sitting at home with his wife.
He takes a cigarette out of his pocket, lights it, and takes a puff.
His wife looks at him angrily and says,
"You really need to stop doing that. Can't you see the warning on the box? It says 'hazardous to health!'"
The programmer takes another puff of his cigarette and says,
"I'm a computer programmer. I don't care about warnings. I only care about errors."
I was completely shocked today when my doctor told me I was colour blind..
It came completely out of the green
You can explore comp crit reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean comp crim dad jokes. There are also comp puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I completely understand parents who choose not to vaccinate their children...
...because they all got vaccinated as children, and obviously turned out retarded.
Here's my complete guide on the art of Trolling:
My ex was like a computer game.
Started off easy, got a little harder and eventually I ended up cheating.
What computer monitor sings the best?
A Dell.
I got a computer for my wife today.
Best trade I ever made.
Having only ever competed in the 100m dash, what did the professional sprinter say after his first 200m race?
I've finally turned a corner in my career.
Somebody actually complimented me on my parking today.
They left a note on the windscreen. It said, "Parking fine", so that was nice.
Don't Ever Let Him See You Completely Naked
The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of
marriage, and passed them on to her daughter.
"Never let your husband see you in the nude," she advised. "You
should always wear something."
"Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl.
Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband
were preparing to retire when the guy asked, "Dear, has there
ever been any insanity in your family?"
"Not that I know of," she answered. "Why?"
"Well, we've been married for two weeks now and every night
you've worn that silly hat to bed."
Compliment somebody on their moustache
and all of a sudden she is not your friend anymore.
A company hire an efficiency expert as a consultant.
To everyone's surprise, the presentation was very interesting. For once many felt like this was a valuable use of time! as the presenter finished up, he said, "I hope you have found use in my presentation today, but I would warn you, be careful about using these techniques at home. The other night I was watching as my wife did the dinner dishes, and noticed some inefficiency in her technique. Wanting to be helpful, I advised her of several small improvements that could add up to maximum efficiency."
One of the attendees raised their hand,"Did it work? Did the dishwashing become more efficient?"
"Oh yes," the consultant replied,"before my advice, my wife took 18 minutes to finish the dishes, now I do it in 12."
What computer says "hello"
A Dell
My computer crashed a few hours into writing my paper
looks like I'm gonna have to write my name and the date again
A computer science student...
...was writing a note to his crush before lecture. The student next to him grabbed the note.
The first student tried to grab it back. You can't see that, it's private!
The second student protested, But we're in the same class
Why were all the computers in the company frozen?
Because they let IT go
i got complimented on my driving earlier
they left a note on the car saying parking fine
My computer won't stop crying and singing about break ups...
That's the last time I buy A Dell.
I'm in a complex relationship
My girlfriend is imaginary.
My computer just said hello to me.
I think it's A Dell.
How do computers measure pain?
Gigahurts.
(Came up with this in the car on my way to school hopefully its original)
Why do computer programmers confuse Halloween with Christmas?
Because Oct31 = Dec25
Just because nobody complains
Doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.
Complementing a mustache should be a good thing
I don't know why she took it as an insult.
I'm not a competitive person
I'll be the first to admit it.
There was a computer dating back to Adam and Eve..
It was an apple, and a very bad one at that. It only took one byte for everything to crash.
I just completed a puzzle in 6 months
despite it saying 4 - 6 years on the box.
A computer programmer's wife sends her husband to the store.
She says, "Buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."
An hour later, he returns home with twelve loaves of bread. She asks,
"Why did you get twelve loaves of bread?" Her husband replies,
"Because they had eggs."
What company is the best at meeting deadlines?
The Make a Wish Foundation
I might not be the most companionable, engrossing and perspicacious person.
But at least I know long words.
I COMPLETELY disagree with Trump's military trans ban...
I mean, wouldn't all those attack helicopters be useful??
Why was the computer mad when he got home?
It had a hard drive
My company got bought out by a Madrid based firm today. Everyone seemed surprised.
Nobody expects the Spanish Acquisition
Computer virus are no joke
I used to have a girlfriend but she ransomwareο»Ώ.
I WannaCry now... ;(
Rememberβ¦you are not completely useless.
You can always serve as a bad example.
My computer beat me at chess...
So I beat my computer at kickboxing.
How does a computer get drunk?
It takes screenshots.
We all complain about reposts, but do you know where new jokes come from?
A dad joke meets a yo mama joke... and then they screw in a lightbulb.
Complex numbers are all fun and games...
Until someone loses an i. That's when things get real.
Why can't you compare millionaires Tim Cook and donald trump?
Apples and oranges.
There was a competition to find who could last the longest without masturbating.
I came first.
You cannot compare Steve Jobs with Donald Trump.
Apples vs. oranges.
What company doesn't like people who get erections often?
Ubisoft
Got the best compliment from my doctor today
He said I had athlete's foot. I've only been training for 3 days so didn't think anyone would notice
There was company that sold sex toys to aliens.
It was SpaceXXX.
Someone complimented my parking today!
They left a little note that said "parking fine".
I have just completed writing a book on reverse psychology.
Please don't buy it.
How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of the crime?
I think they just ransomware.
A company made toy Titanics, but they weren't meant to be used in bathtubs.
They were made for the sink.
A Computer Science student at MIT showed up at his buddies dorm room with a new bike.
His buddy said sweet bike, where'd ya get it?
You'll never believe this, he said, I was walking across campus and this beautiful blonde on a bike stopped, threw down her bike, tore off all her clothes and said _take whatever you want!_
His buddy stared at him blankly for a minute, then said smart. Her clothes would have never fit you.
A company owner was asked a question,
How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?"
He smiled & replied, "It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking."
Is it okay to compare a man getting the snip with a woman getting her tubes tied?
After all, there isn't a vas deferens between the two ovum
Why do computer scientists get Halloween and Christmas mixed up?
Because Oct 31 = Dec 25.
Two computer nerds start arguing about if they have to pronounce it gif or jif.
The argument gets extremely heated and it goes on for hours.
In the end they just decide to have the sandwich with just the jelly.
I completely misunderstood pride month...
Who wants to buy 15 lions?
Company Picnic Softball Tournament
At our annual company picnic, the advertising department always played a game of softball with the editorial department. This year the ad dept. won ,9-4. But on the company bulletin board the next morning was the following notice. The Editorial Dept. is proud to announce that upon the conclusion of this year's softball tournament, we finished in second place overall, having lost only one game the entire season. We would also like to take this opportunity to offer our condolences to the Ad Dept.'s team for finishing next to last, having won only one game during the entire year.
Completely misunderstood pride month.
Does anyone want to buy 15 lions?
What do IT companies and cannabis dispensaries have in common?
They both regularly perform strain tests.
Never compare yourself to others
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I've come to realize my trash dumpster has a better life than I do," he tells the bartender. "It gets taken out once a week and gets to stay out all night."
When I compare my wife and my mistress
I find it fascinating how different sisters can be.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the comp sciences jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working comp req piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.