community Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious community puns

Why is everyone criticising EA?

I've only ever known EA as an excellent video game company and pioneer of the early home computer games industry. EA has always had my enjoyment as their primary concern and their community involvement is phenomenal.

($50 has been deposited into your Paypal account, remember to delete this part of the message before posting it).

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So my Irish friend decided to tell his community he's an atheist...

One man in the crowd then yelled "Yes, but is it the Catholic god you don't believe in or the Protestant one?"

(Wow this exploded. Front... *wow*. Gotta say, I like the (current) top comment's version more.)

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My dad's favourite joke. Mine too.

There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years with peculiar experiments on spiders. After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let the community know he and was to host a live show to demonstrate his findings.

At the event hundreds were there more out of curiosity than anything as the details of the findings were kept secret. The man himself wandered on stage and silenced the murmurs.

'Today I will demonstrate two things. The first being that spiders can understand and respond to basic commands.'

The crowd laughed and jeered but undeterred he opened a box on his desk and a spider crawled out.

'Spider, walk left'

The spider moved to its left. The crowd was silenced.

'Spider, move right.'

The spider moved right. The crowd gasped. Forward, backward, the spider responded again and again. The crowd applauded in awe.

The scientist then removed all of the spider's legs. The crowd, confused by this, watched in silence.

'Move left'

The spider didn't move.

'Move right'

Nothing. Forward, backward, no response.

'This is to demonstrate my second finding. Once you remove a spider's legs, it goes deaf.'

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Logic lessons.

Billy Bob is at community college and he sees a debate team table sign for "Free Logic Lessons". He approaches the booth and asks "What is logic?"

"Basically it it is the art of making assumptions" The debate team member states, "For example, do you own a weed whacker?"

"Yes"

"Then we can assume you have a house."

"I do have a house."

"That means you probably have a wife."

"You're right!"

"Which implies that you are not gay."

"Wow! Thanks guys, logic is amazing!"

Billy Bob goes to his next class eager to try his new skill. He asks his classmate in the desk next to him,

"Do you have a weed whacker?"

"N..."

"Faggot."

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Dear keyboard manufacturers, I'm writing to request a redesign so that g and t wouldn't be right next to each other

Retards

/u/TheDarkKn1ght

(First post to this community, please be kind)

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In my community we have a neighborhood watch,

It's actually more like a clock tower.

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A heart of gold.

A local charity had never received a donation from the town's banker, so the director made a phone call. Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven't given a penny to charity, the director began. Wouldn't you like to help the community?

The banker replied, Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?

Um, no, mumbled the director.

Or that my brother is unemployed? Or that my sister's husband left, leaving her broke with four kids?

I … I … I had no idea.

So, said the banker, if I don't give them any money, why would I give any to you?

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Two nuns are biking back to their convent

after a long day out nunning about in the community.

They take a different route than normal, and after a while, one says to the other: "You know, I've never come this way before."

The other replies: "Yes, it must be the cobblestones"

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The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there
were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

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A photon checks into a hotel.

The bellhop says "can I take your bags?"

"No," she answers, "I'm traveling light."

*(I'm new to the community, this is best I've got, I'm sorry)*

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First Stephen Hawking, now Avicii?

Tough year for the Electronic community.

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I walked into my local community center.

I was visiting a local community center because I was interested in learning a new hobby.


On my way to the office, I passed a group of guys in a beat boxing class.


I walked in and decided to try and fit in with my beatboxing skills, "bootssskts bootsskts uhh uhh my name is Chris, Yall mutha fuckas aint ready for this. Wickawickabtssssss" I leaned back in the first chair I saw, confident I gained their respect.

One of the boys walks up to me and spat one back at me

"Th-Th-Th-This is a speech therapy class."

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Pastor in the KKK

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

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I was arguing with a flat Earth believer

We argued about how many members the flat Earth community had. He said "We have members all around the globe".

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First Stephen hawking now Avicii

It must be a tough year for the electronic community.

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Rich Banker

A local charity had never received a donation from the town's banker, so the director made a phone-call. Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven't given a penny to charity, the director began. Wouldn't you like to help the community?
The banker replied, Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?
Um, no, mumbled the director.
Or that my brother is blind and unemployed? Or that my sister's husband died, leaving her broke with four kids?
I … I … I had no idea.
So, said the banker, if I don't give them any money, why would I give any to you?

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Two Teenage boys were picked up for doing drugs...

When they went to court the judge said that he would like to give them a second chance if they could work in the community and convince young people not to do drugs they would avoid jail time.

The two boys went to the community and did their work and returned to court the following month. The judge asked the first boy how he did and he told the judge that he convinced 30 people not to do drugs.
The judge said, "That was great how did you do that?"
The Boy told him, "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy)
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your asshole before prison.'"

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Did you hear the one about the LGBTQ2S+ community?

They're working together to build the perfect password

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What do you call a poor Italian community?

a spaghetto.

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I'm playing Monopoly with Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton...

Trump grabbed Community Chest as fast as he could, is building hotels on properties he doesn't really own and is refusing to pay income tax

Clinton started out with a house on Illinois Ave, somehow always has a "Get out of jail free" card and keeps saying she respects any opponent holding Vermont Ave

However, in the end, I have a feeling neither will be satisfied until they get a house on Pennsylvania Ave

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Why God never got a PhD

1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was written in Aramaic, not in English.
3. It has no references.
4. It wasn't even published in a refereed journal.
5. There are serious doubts he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since
then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The Scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He unlawfully performed not only Animal, but *Human* testing.
10. When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it by drowning his
subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from
the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told his students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son to teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students
failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

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KKK Pastor

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

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Logic at the Community College

Looking for a little knowledge, Jimmy walks into his local community college and asks the admissions clerk on duty what classes are being offered. The clerk tells Jimmy there is a logic course starting up soon.
"Logic?" Asks Jimmy, "what's that?"
"Logic is real easy, let me explain it this way, Jimmy do you own a lawnmower?"
"Why yes I do"
"Ok, that must mean you've got a yard"
"Yup"
"If you've got a yard, then you must have a house"
"Sure do"
"And if you've got a house, you probably have kids"
"Three of them!"
"Wow, then you must be a heterosexual male with a beautiful wife at home"
"Yes, yes! This logic thing is pretty cool, sign me up!"
Later that day Jimmy goes home and sees his neighbor Gary and tells Gary about his new college course. Gary says "logic? What's that?"
"Well let me explain it like this", says Jimmy. "Do you own a lawnmower Gary?"
"No, I always borrow yours"
"Well then you must be a homosexual!"

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Trump used to love the LGBTQ community...

Until he found out it doesn't stand for "Loans Given By The Qataris"

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Free Haircuts

One day, a florist went to a barber shop to get his hair cut. After the barber was finished, the florist went to pay, but the barber said, "No, this one's on the house, I'm doing the community a service this week and giving free haircuts." The next morning, the barber comes to work to find a handwritten thank you note from the florist along with a dozen roses. Later, a policeman came into get his hair cut. When the officer went to pay, the barber once again refused payment. The next morning, the barber came to work to find another thank you note along with a dozen donuts. That afternoon, a congressman came to get a haircut. Again, when the congressman attempted to pay, the barber told him there would be no charge. The following day, the barber once again arrived to a surprise at work. This time a dozen congressmen had lined up to get their free haircuts.

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The sex shop!

A guy opens a sex shop in a conservative area. In the opening day, an old lady walks in and starts yelling at him. She's telling him how wrong it is to open such a shop in this area. She said that this goes against the traditions and how it will influence the community in a bad way.

The owner interrupts her and tells her that she go it all wrong. He says, that if a woman's husband is away, she can buy a dildo instead of cheating on her husband. If a woman is a widow, it's better to have a dildo rather than sleeping around with different men.

The old woman not convinced with his argument and starts ranting and rambling again.

The shop owner interrupts her again. This time, he tells her that she can choose any dildo she wants and she can have it for free.

The old woman thinks for a minutes and then points and says: I want that red one.

The shop owner replies: Easy woman, that's the fire extinguisher.

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The most toxic substances known to mankind.

1. Arsenic
2. Cyanide
3. Polonium
4. Mercury
5. The League of Legends community

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A man's dog dies

A fine elderly Catholic gentleman lived alone in Southwest Florida in an upscale gated community except for his beloved dog that he had for a long time.


The dog finally died and the gent went to the parish priest, saying "Father, my dear dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?"


Father Patrick told the grief stricken man "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a Baptist church down the road, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."


The old fellow said "I'll go right now. Thank you Father...By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"


Father Patrick replied
"Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic."

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A priest is doing some community work downtown...

...when he is propositioned by a hooker.
"Hey Father, I'll give the best blow job of your life for $10."
Confused, the priest replies "No thank you, my dear."
Later, back at the church, he approaches one of the nuns.
"Sister, this is kind of embarrassing, but what's a blow job?"
"Oh, you know," says the nun, "$10, same as downtown."

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A man goes to a community gym...

He sees a sign for a weight loss program which says, "Lose 5 pounds in one week!". Curious, he signs up for the program. He begins the program the next day and upon entering the designated area finds an attractive woman with a sign on her shirt that says,"If you catch me, you can have your way with me. You have 30 minutes." He chases her around the area for a week and sure enough loses 5 pounds.

Wanting to lose a bit more weight though, he decides to try the next level of the program. This program guarantees he'll lose 15 pounds in a month. He gets to the designated area and once again a smoking hot chick with a sign saying,"If you catch me you can have your way with me." Runs around while he chases her for 30 minutes. This goes on for a month and he loses 15 pounds.

Feeling extra confident and wanting to look his absolute best for a college reunion coming up in two months, he signs up for the highest level of the course. It guarantees he'll lose 50 pounds in 2 months. He gets to the designated area and upon closing the door turns around to see a 300 pound man of pure muscle with a sign that says the following:

"If I catch you, I have my way with you."

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3 Ducks Sitting at a Courthouse

The Judge calls up the first duck

Judge: "state your name and your offense."

Duck 1: "My name is Quack and I blew bubbles at the pond."

Judge: "okay 1 week community service and off you go."

Judge calls up the second duck

Judge: "State your name and your offense."

Duck 2: "My name is Quack Quack and I blew bubbles at the pond."

Judge: "okay, same sentence. Now, off you go."

Judge calls up the third duck

Judge: "Dont tell me your name is Quack Quack Quack and you blew bubbles at the pond too"

Duck 3: "Nope! My name is Bubbles."

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there once was a...

There once was a community in which there where the squares and the "jokes". the "jokes" were actually circles but were a minority and were often laughed at and segregated in the community, so they were called "jokes". One circle had enough of the ridicule from the squares and wanted to become a square himself.

He knew that there was only one person in their town that could pull off such a thing. They called him Eye, for he was all seeing. After his long Journey, he finally arrived at Eye's magical hut. After the circle told him his request, the mystical Eye said, "This joke will forever be pointless, and Eye just wasted your time"

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New hobby

I was visiting a local community center because I was interested in learning a new hobby.
On my way to the office, I passed a group of guys in a beat boxing class.
I walked in and decided to try and fit in with my beatboxing skills, "bootssskts bootsskts uhh uhh my name is Chris, Yall mutha fuckas aint ready for this. Wickawickabtssssss" I leaned back in the first chair I saw, confident I gained their respect. One of the boys walks up to me and spat one back at me
"Th-Th-Th-This is a speech therapy class."

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What's logic?

I redneck was walking by his local community college and sees a sign out front that says, logic classes. Interested, he goes inside, finds the professor and starts up a conversation.

"So what is logic anyways?"

"Let me explain it to you this way," the professor says eagerly, "Do you own a weed whacker?"

"Yes I do," the redneck replies.

"Well then logically, you must own a yard, correct?"

"Yes, I certainly do!"

"Well, logically if you have a yard, you own a house? And if you have a house, you must have a family."

"By God, that's all right."

"Then logically if you have a family, you must be a heterosexual."

"Absolutely right, wow that's some incredible stuff!"

So the redneck leaves and heads to the bar where he excitedly tells his friend about his encounter and logic lesson. But his friend is having trouble understanding and asks him, "So what is logic?"

The redneck says, "Let me explain it to you this way: do you own a weed whacker?"

"No."

"Then you're a faggot."

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He's a good boy.

A teenage girl is having a heated argument with her mother about her boyfriend, whom the mother does not like at all. "You can ground me, you can take my cell phone, but I am still seeing Roger". "I don't think he's any good" said mom. "He is too a good boy, why else would he be doing 200 hours of community service?".

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Dirty professor

A professor at a local community college is known for telling a dirty joke to start every class. Of course, the ladies in his classes don't appreciate it and a lot of them get together one weekend and decide to stage a walkout next time it happens. The professor catches wind of this plan.

Monday morning rolls around and the professor stands up in front of the class. He starts "Have you heard there's a shortage of whores in India?" The ladies stand up to walk out. "Hold on, girls" he says, "the boat's not leaving yet!"

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I'm having second thoughts about booking time to visit an Indian community.

I guess I'm having reservation reservation reservations.

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The mailman

A mailman gets a new route in a rural community. Walking up to a isolated little farmhouse, he sees a woman out back getting hammered by a goat.

He looks at the kid sitting on the porch, and asks him "Hey kid, doesn't it bother you, what your mom's doing back there?"

The kid looks at him and says "NAAAAAAA!"

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The company Valve is just like a child. It came into the world on the 24th August, 1996. Nurtured by a community...

...only to get fucked as soon as it turns 21.

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A gay man goes to church.

So a wealthy gay man living up life in the big city decides it's time for some quiet living. He moves to a small rural community where he hopes to make some friends and enjoy the clean country air. Figuring the best way to meet the neighbors was at the local church, he decides to attend services and get to know his neighbors. The church was a quaint little white building made entirely of wood. He felt out of place in a brand new Armani suit while everyone else was wearing suits that were at least a decade old from the look of them, and most likely handed down. During the service, he was moved by the preachers retelling of the prodigal son returned, and realized that the community he was now living in was more than just rural but poor as well. When the collection plate started to come around, he was amazed that only a few bills and some change were in it by the time it got to him. He silently took out his bill fold which had over a thousand dollars and put it all in the basket. When the basket was returned, up front, the pastor saw the huge bill fold and then cried out, "Will the person who made such a great donation please rise and select three hymns?" The gay man jumped up, pointed at three strapping young men and said, "I'll take him, him, and him."

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Math in the real world

Basic Math is the subject I teach at a small community college in western North Carolina. I call one part of the curriculum Practical Applications for Living in the Real World. The day after I presented a lesson on simple and compound interest, one of my older students approached me in the hallway. "You really taught me a great deal about my life yesterday," he said. "I realized I've been struggling with a lack of interest, compounded daily, for thirty years."

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What do you call a poor Italian community?

Spaghetto

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Sam and Bessie

Sam and Bessie were friends with benefits in their retirement community. One day, Sam and Bessie are sitting on the bench outside of the old folks' home. "Hey Bessie?" Sam asked. "Yeah, Sam?" Bessie replied. "Do you mind putting your hand on my penis?" He asked. "Sure," she said.

Two days later, Bessie comes out of the retirement home and sees Sam sitting on the bench with Sadie, with her hand on his dick. Upset, Bessie approaches Sam later.

"Is she prettier than me?" she asks. "No," he says.
"Is she smarter? Funnier?" she asks. "No," he replies.
"Then what does she have that I don't?" she asks. "Parkinson's," he says.

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I told my dentist to make my teeth whiter..

so he named them Logan and moved them to a gated community.

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I was gonna tell a gay joke...

~~butt fuck it.~~

though I decided not to because it would offend the members of the LGBT community.

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Did you hear about the teen suicide figures throughout the Muslim community?

It's exploded in the past few years

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How did the medical community come up with the term "PMS"?

"Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

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How did the medical community come up with the term PMS

Mad cow disease was already taken

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I'm organising an charity...

...event in my town next weekend , we're gonna be in the Community Centre from 1 - 5 pm. There's gonna be a raffle & guest speaker & all the proceeds are in the name of erectile/ ejaculation dysfunction syndrome.


So please let me know if you cant come.

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A hole was discovered in the fence of a nudist community.

Police are looking into it.

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Three guys get stranded on an island...

When they are captured by the local villagers, a community of cannibals. They are tied and up and the chief speaks to them

"We will give you people a chance to leave us. Go to the forest and bring back 3 pieces of 1 kind of fruit. When you come back, I will tell you the test. To prevent any attempts to escape, you will each be escorted by a guard"

And so the 3 men went to gather fruit. The first one arrives back at the village with 3 apples in his hands,and upon his arrival, the chief tells him the test.

"What you will have to do for your freedom is, you will have to try and shove all 3 fruits into your bum, and if you make any facial expressions or whatsoever, we will put you in a pot, cook you then eat you."

The first man tries his best, but upon inserting the first apple, he cringes and is sent to the pot.

The second man arrives, and brings with him grapes. The chief tells him the same thing.

The first man saw the man with the grapes and thinks that he was going to be set free, but was surprised when the second man started walking towards the pot as well, giggling. Curious, the first man asks the second why he wasn't able to successfully finish the test. The second man replied,

"Well,when I was about to put the 3rd grape in, I saw the third guy walking back with watermelons"

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How did the medical community come up with the term PMS?

Mad cow disease was already taken.

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Why do quantum computers make terrible community leaders?

Because you can never be sure of their true values.

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My gay friend was complaining to me

My gay friend was complaining to me about all the hatred and violence straight people cause the gay community. I asked him if any gay people hate and beat up straight people. He said "No, gay people aren't fucking assholes."
I said "Well...."

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The Flat Earth Community

has supporters all around the globe.

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A man came to my door today, and asked if I would donate to building the community pool

So I gave him a glass of water

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Big Chief, No fart.

In a small Native community the Medicine Man is making a potion when Big Chief of the Tribe who is suffering from severe constipation walks in and says

"Big Chief No Fart"

The Medicine man Gives him a Potion from the shelf. Big Chief walks away.

The next day Big Chief walks in again and says

"Big Chief No Fart"

The medicine man this time prepares a fresh potion and gives it to Big Chief, Big Chief walks away.

The following day Big Chief walks into the medicine man's hut in severe stomach pain and crying he says.

"Big Chief No Fart!"

This time the medicine man starts to throw every ingredient he has, including eye of newt into the pot. and gives Big Chief the potion. Big chief walks away.

five minutes later Big Chief's Wife runs into the medicine man's hut yelling.

"Big Fart, No Chief!"

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Once upon a time

...there was a Chieftain who presided over a community that lived in the steppe, where everything was grassland as far as the eye could see, and almost no trees grew. Because of its rarity, wood was prized, and this Chieftain happened to own a large, ornate chair made of wood that was his most priceless possession.

Now in this community it was c

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Double positives

One day, during a lesson at the community college, the professor is explaining how a double negative will always be positive but a double positive can never be negative.

To which his student replies "yeah right"

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Why are rainbows used as a symbol to represent the gay community?

Because they're not straight.

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If you were to second guess your decision on booking a trip to a Native American community...

That would be a reservation reservation reservation!

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I'd like to give a shout out to protons-

for keeping our community positive.

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A plane crashes in the Australian desert, and an American tourist is the only survivor...

He survives in the desert for days with severe injuries before being discovered by locals and brought to a small community hospital. Relieved at his good fortune, he passes out until the next day.

When he wakes up, he sees that his wounds have become infected, he is connected to multiple machines, and his vitals aren't good. Fearing for his chances, he waves someone over and asks for an honest answer.

"Nurse, did I just come here to die?"

"Nah, you came here yesterday."

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There was a pedophile being sought out by the community...

Apparently saying "somebody please think of the children" was the wrong thing to say.

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A cannibal shows up late to a community dinner.

Everyone else is annoyed, so they give him the cold shoulder.

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Donations

Son: "Dad, there is someone at the door to collect donations
for a community swimming pool."
Father: "Okay, give him a glass of water."

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What do you call an Optomitrist who is very highly thought of in his community?

Respectacle

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My gay friend has OCD

He's an outspoken member of the BGILQT community.

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In honor of Leif Erikson Day...

Leif Erikson returned to his village after many years sailing the ocean and discovering new lands. When he arrived home, he noticed his name was no longer in the town records. Puzzled, he visited the census-taker to inquire about the error.

"I've been a dedicated member of this community for many years. Why am I not on the town list?" he asked.

"I'm sorry about the mistake, Mr. Erikson," replied the clerk, "I must've taken Leif off my census!"

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Shoe Crack!

Luigi walks to work 20 blocks everyday and passes a shoe store twice every day. Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Armani leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much... it's all he can think about. After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchased them.

Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement. Luigi seizes this opportunity to wear his new Armani leather shoes for the first time.

He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?"

Startled, Sophia replies, "Yes, Luigi , I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?"

Luigi answers, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Armani leather shoes. How do you like them?"

Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, "Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?"

Rosa answers, "Yes, Luigi , I do, but how do you know that?"

He replies, "I see the reflection in my new$300 Armani leather shoes... How do you like them?"

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Luigi asks Carmela to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red... He states, "Carmela, be stilla my heart. Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight. Please, please, tella me this true!" Carmela smiles coyly and answers, "Yes Luigi , I wear no panties tonight..."

Luigi gasps, "Thanka Goda ....I thought I had a CRACK in my$300 Armani leather shoes...!"

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Joining the church...

A newly married couple move to their dream home in a small village. They are not particularly religious, however they think that joining the church would be an ideal way to meet the locals and be able to join in a little with the community.

So they go to the church to ask the Vicar about joining.

"Me and my wife would like to join the church, we've just moved here and would like to join in with the community"

So the Vicar replies "I'd love to accept you to our Church my children, however before you can join you must take a vow of celibacy for one month. After this month, you may join the church"

So a month later the couple go back to the Vicar.

"Welcome back my children, did you manage to complete your month of celibacy?"

The man looks sheepish "Well Vicar, we were doing so well. We had almost finished the month of celibacy. But then yesterday, my beautiful wife was bending over to get some Ice Cream out of the Freezer... her arse right there for the taking... well I'm ashamed to say I had to take her right there and then, I'm so sorry Vicar"

So the Vicar says "Well I'm afraid to say you will be unable to join our Church"

To which the man replies "Fuck that, we're banned from Tesco!"

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Altoids has begun marketing to the LGBT community.

Their new mints are bi-curiously strong.

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At the community swimming pool I met a fellow swimming that had no arms or legs.

I said, " Excuse me sir, but I think it's amazing what you're doing there! Do you mind telling me how you lost all your limbs?"

He said, "Oh, I lost them in the war. I was a Sergeant and I jumped on an IED to save my squad. My body armor saved my life but it didn't cover everything."

I said, "Oh wow, you're a true hero Sergeant...."

He said, "Thanks, but you don't have to call me Sergeant anymore, now it's just Bob."

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I've been searching this community for posts containing specific fruit porn.

But there is no orange anal content.

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What's the difference between a Tupperware store and the gay male community?

In a Tupperware store, there's an equal number of tops and bottoms

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The Albama Preacher

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body what would stop traffic rose from the third pew.

Her head was bowed and voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.
I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted and the congregation roared.

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What's the difference between a blonde and a community college

Well, they are both pretty easy to get into, but I don't have 3 community colleges under my basement. That would be ridiculous.

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What street in Paris is well-known for its transvestite community?

The Rue Paul.

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Flat earthers community

has members all around the globe.

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An Atheist tourist was walking around Belfast ...

An Atheist tourist was walking around Belfast and noticed all the community centre events for either Catholics or Protestants. After checking out yet another board, he asked a staff member:

Atheist: "What do you do in this town if you're an Atheist?"

Staff member: "Well sir, that depends on whether you're a Catholic atheist or a Protestant atheist."

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What's in the canister?

The R6 Community

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Through voting, users determine what posts rise to the top of community pages and, by extension, the public home page of the site

...until the mods wake up.

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Unfortunate sign in discount warehouse near a retirement community:

Shop till you drop!

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Why didn't the comedian make a tree joke?

He wood have, but he decided to leaf it to other branches of the community.

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what kind of humour cannot be found in the black community

dad jokes

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What do the LGBT community and computers have in common?

Most people over 50 are scared of them and think they are destroying the fabric of society!

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Why isn't Matzah popular outside the Jewish community?

Because it's never been on the rise.

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What do call a gay proramming community?

LGBTQC++

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Why was the Polaroid fanfiction ignored by the photography community?

Because it wasn't Canon.

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I recently learned that bison of eastern new york who are bullied by bison of the same region mimic the behavior upon the remainder of the community. In other words...

Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo.

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Community Service

A blonde was sentenced to a couple weeks of community service for a small crime she commited. Once assigned to a supervisor, he explained to her that her job was to paint the yellow line in the middle of the roads. Her quota was 2 miles a day.

By the end of the first day, the blonde painted 4 miles of yellow lines. The supervisor was very impressed and gave her compliments on a job well done.

By the end of the second day, she had done a little over 2 miles. The supervisor was satisfied because at least she met her quota.

By the end of the third day, she'd only painted half a mile of yellow lines. The supervisor approached her to ask why she did so little compared to the previous 2 days. The blonde replies, "*Well I put the paint bucket at the start of the road and the further I paint, the longer it takes to walk back to the bucket to dip my paint brush.*"

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Starbucks makes a drastic move to their menu to improve community relations

Patrons may no longer order black coffee.

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A rabbi, a priest and an imam...

... are walking in the forest and find a large amount of golden coins. They decide to split the treasure in 3 equal parts, but they also decide to share their parts with their respective communities.

-I'll draw a circle on the ground, and throw the coins it the air. What falls in it is for me, what falls outside of it is for my community, says the priest.

-I'll draw a line on the ground, says the imam, and throw the coins in the air. What falls exactly on it is for me, the rest is for my community.

-I'll just throw the coins in the air, says the rabbi, if God wants money he'll just take it, I keep what falls on the ground.

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A guy submits a comment to a group of people, hoping to learn how the community approves/disapproves...

(?|?)

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What do you call it if you were to second guess your decision to book time at a native american community?

That's a reservation reservation reservation.

(Credit to Brian Regan)

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Did you know that Vanilla Ice is now working as a computer literacy instructor?

He's at the community college teaching word to your mother.

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Florida Retirement Community...

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community.

A man walks over and sits down on the other end of the bench.

After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?"

He replies, "I lived here years ago."

"So, where were you all these years?"

"In prison," he says.

"Why did they put you in prison?"

He looked at her and very quietly said, "I killed my wife."

"Oh!" exclaimed the woman. "So you're single?!"

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Why Mayberry RFD was such a pleasant place

Just think of how idyllic and peaceful the whole community was.

What did the main characters all have in common? Sheriff Andy, Barney, Opie, Gomer, Floyd the barber, Helen, Clara Jean, Aunt Bea, Goober, Harold......they were all SINGLE.

The only married character was Otis, and he was drunk all the time!

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It's a shame that nobody is stepping up to defend the clown community

Not even the mimes are talking

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Did you hear about that priest that turned to alcohol and drugs after he was confined to a wheelchair?

He's no longer an upstanding member of the community.

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I tried starting an anarchist community

But no one would follow the rules

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What would you have if the LGBT community kicked out all the gays?

A pretty good sandwich

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I love living in my antimatter house...

It's in a negated community.

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What'd the gun that killed a community sound like?

Pao Pao Pao

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[AMA request]

A person living in an electricity-free Amish community.

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As compensation for their appalling behaviour, United Airlines are going to sponsor a lot more community sports and activities

Their first project will be Drag Racing

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What do you call a community of fortune tellers who work for free?

A non-prophet organization

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People doubt me when I mention how accepting Canada is towards the LGBT community.

But it's Trudeau.

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A visiting preacher in a small town...

is driving around, looking for the town's small church where he will do a community wide sermon. However, he can't seem to find it. As he drove on, he noticed a little boy walking down the side of the road. The preacher pulled over and asked him, "Hello son, what's your name? I need help finding your towns church."
The little boy replied, "Name's Johnny. Take a the next left, go down a block or so, drive past the school, and you'll see the church up on the small hill, sir."
"Why, thank you little Johnny." the preacher replied. Reaching into the glove box, he pulled out a flyer for the sermon. " Say, Johnny, why don't you come over to the sermon at noon today? I will be helping your community look for our savior Jesus Christ."
To which Johnny replied, "Fat chance. You can't even find the church."

(On mobile, sorry for any mistakes)

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I called my boss this morning and said

"I'm not coming in today, I've got the squirts."

He said, "I'm fed up with this, it's the same time every week!"

I said, "I can't help it, my wife has community service on Tuesdays and we can't find a babysitter."

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Good Music Jokes?

I want to see what the community can come up with.

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Today the authorities busted the local T-Rex shop, causing a huge uproar amongst the dinosaur community

Apparently he was a small-arms dealer

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What do you call a sheep tied to a lamp post in New Zealand?

A community centre

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What's the difference between the United States and a yogurt?

That after 200 years, a yogurt can actually build a community.

Haha, happy late 4th of July.

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Why was the Amish girl kicked out of her community?

Too Mennonite

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Yet another day at the retirement community.

George and Helen had been flirting with each other for weeks and finally found themselves at a point where intimate relations were mere moments away.

Helen, trusting in the moment, whispers to George, "Be gentle, I have acute angina."

George, a bit hearing impaired, replies, "Thank God, your tits don't do a thing for me. "

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What do you call a community with a lot of Bars?

A Prison.

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True story

Son: I got my college acceptance letter, and they're giving me a $3,000 scholarship!

Mom: You did? What for?

Son: Community service!

Mom: Do they know a judge told you that you had to do it?

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When it comes to my favorite members of the religious community

Priests are second to nun.

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Yesterday a couple of people came to my home and asked if I'd like to donate to the community pool…

I said "sure, wait here." A minute later I came back from the sink with some water and said, "just return the glass when you get a chance"

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Grandpas joke: Ellen's church recognition

Ellen was very involved with her church and community projects. So much so, the paster decided to recognize her efforts during Sunday service.

Paster Davis: I'd like to take a moment to recognize Ellen for her hard work and contributions. Ellen come up here and take a bow.

Ellen smiles and bows.

Paster Davis: to reward your efforts, why don't you pick out the next 3 hymns.

Ellen points into the crowd "I'll take him, him, and him"

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Why was the spider community so peaceful?

They experienced neutrality across the web.

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Did you hear about the teen suicide figures throughout the Muslim community?

It's exploded in recent years

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George Takei's contributions to the Gay Community cannot be understated.

He put the O My back in Sodomy.

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What's the most effective way to drain a swamp?

Pour toxic orange sludge into it and the community will mobilize to drain it for you.

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Why did Jesus get mad at Peter the community basketball game?

Because Peter denied him 3 times.

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Why is everyone criticising Aji Pai?

I've only ever known Aji Pai as an American attorney as the Chairman of United States FCC who makes the best decisions. Aji Pai has always had my enjoyment as their primary concern and their community involvement is phenomenal.


($50 has been deposited into your Paypal account, remember to delete this part of the message before posting it).

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Why was Jesus mad at the community basketball game?

Because Peter denied him 3 times.

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What is a rare material in the bee community?

Hiveory

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Never using online dating again. Last guy said he lived in a gated community.

Prison.

He meant prison.

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Why was the Amish woman shunned from her community?

She was fucking 20 Mennonite

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Another day at the retirement community

Fred and George are sitting on a bench, relaxing, chatting, and enjoying the morning moments just before lunch. This was interrupted by the slipper scrapes of a bathrobe clad Susie the Floozy, shuffling towards them.

Susie gets to the men, stops, and opens her robe. Naked as a newborn she proclaims, "Super Pussy!"

Fred turns, looks at George and says, "I don't know about you, but I'm getting the soup."

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What's black and blue and usually disliked in the hip-hop community?

A white dude wearing a gold chain

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An Irishman, a homosexual, and a Jew are sitting at a bar

What a fine example of an integrated community.

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"I can closely relate to the LGBT community, as my own child is a man trapped in a woman's body ..."

Fortunately for him, he'll be born next February.

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As a straight male, there has always been something about the gay community that blows my mind.

They give the best fucking head!

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So my Irish friend decided to tell his community he's an atheist...

One man in the crowd stood up and yelled "So, is it the Catholic God you don't believe in or the Protestant God?"

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What do you call a socialite stripper?

a peeler of the community!

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I met my exgirlfriend while I was attending college...

... I went to the local community college, but she went to the Christian University of North Texas which explains a lot.

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Tourist in America

I was going to take my wife to visit all the sites where they protested the police shooting of innocent black men. But i've only got 6 months...plus community service.

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Whats the difference between an arrow and the LGBT+ community?

An arrow has a point.

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What do you call two doctors

What do you call two paralyzed doctors with good *standing* in the scientific community.

A paradox.

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How did the medical community come up with the term "PMS"?

Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.

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Bill Cosby is the pillar of his community.

*pill her

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Local story: Community master cleanse meeting tonight

Poos at 11.

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The benefit of taking a job as an accounting teacher in a community college

You never have to guess if you'll be broke.

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LG's making a phone targeted towards the gay and lesbian community

It's the all new LG BTQ.

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What do criminal courts in Spain call community service?

Manuel labor

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What Asian meal is the most popular in the Apple-nerd community?

iPad Thai.

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Why did the Amish girl get kicked out of the community?

Too Mennonite.

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What are the best Community puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Community? Well, here are the best jokes about Community to have fun with.

Joko Jokes