Communist Jokes

In USSR we had this joke

An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart.
In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"

Hey baby are you a Communist?

Because i can feel an uprising in my lower class.

What do you call a Communist sniper?

A Marxman.

I should've known my boyfriend was a communist.

There were plenty of red flags.

I should have known my friend was a communist.

All the red flags were there.

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve

They feel a slight precipitation.


"I think it's raining," says the man.



"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.


"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"


"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.


The man turns to his wife with a smile. See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.

I just found out my best friend is a communist. To be honest, I should have known.

All the red flags were there.

A couple is walking in Moscow when they feel a slight precipitation

The husband says "ah, it's raining"

The wife replies "no it's snowing"

"How about we ask this communist officer here" replies the husband, "he is always right!,

"Officer Rudolph, Is it raining or snowing?"

"definitely raining" replies Rudolph before walking off

"see?" says the husband,


"Rudolph the red knows rain, dear"

Why can communists only drink herbal tea?

Because proper tea is theft.

What do two communists have in common?

Everything

What do you call a communist pirate ship?

The USS-ARRR

A black man, a Muslim, and a Communist walk into a bar...

The bartender says, "Hello, Mr. President!"

Courtesy of my Fox News-watching mom...

Why do Communists only write in lowercase?

Because they hate Capitalism.

Why are Communists bad Java programmers?

They don't like classes.

I should've known my girlfriend was a communist...

There were so many red flags.

Have you heard about Marx's tomb?

They say it's a Communist plot

Do you know why you should never hire a communist employee?

Because they only work in theory

I broke up with my girlfriend after she told me she was a communist.

In retrospect, I should have seen all the red flags

Why don't communists ever learn?

Because there are no classes.

What do you call a passive communist country?

The so-be-it union (one of my original jokes)

A couple are walking through St Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve

They feel a slight precipitation.

The man says, "I think it's raining."

His wife disagrees, "No, it's snowing!"

Unable to agree, the man says, "why don't we ask the nice Communist officer over here? He's always right! Officer Rudolf, is it raining or snowing?"

"Definitely raining," said the officer before walking off.

"See?" the husband says, "Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."

What do you call a communist who's good with a rifle?

A marxman.

Why can't Communists be programmers?

Because there is a hierarchy of classes, inheritance, and private properties

I just started dating this girl and there have been several red flags...

...but I guess that just comes with the territory when dating a communist.

Here is a joke from the Soviet Union (also popular in other communist countries before 1989)

A CIA agent is sent on a spy mission to Moscow, Soviet Union. He goes to a grocery store and writes down in his diary "There is no food".

He then goes to a clothes shop and puts down in the diary "there are no shoes".

He goes out of the shop and a KGB agent waits for him outside. "You know, 10 years ago we would have shot you for that."

The CIA agent writes in his diary "There are no bullets".

My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay.

I got full marx.

During the Vietnam war, if you reported one communist...

You would win one thousand dollars.
If you reported 2 communists, you would win 2 thousands dollars.
If you reported 3 communists, you would go to jail because you knew too many communists.

Give a communist a fish?

Feed them for a day

Teach a communist to fish

Now government has more fish

Two men at the Communist Nudist Colony are sitting on the porch...

One turns to the other and says, "I say old boy, have you read marx?"
The other says, "Yes, I believe it's these wicker chairs."

How many communists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, we just sit in the dark complaining about capitalism.

But come the light-bulb revolution everything will be brighter.

I think my cat's a communist...

He won't shut up about Mao

In the spirit of Christmas, I've decided to regift this joke.

A couple is walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

"I think it's raining," says the man.

"No, it's snowing," replies the woman.

"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the main. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?

"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.

The man turns to his wife with a smile. "See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

A man and his wife are arguing, the man says it's going to rain, the woman says it isn't.

"Let's ask Rudolph, the communist police officer"says the man

"It might, the sky is pretty cloudy" says the policeman

The man turns to his wife and says:
"See, Rudolph the red knows rain, dear"

A couple was walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve

A couple was walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve.

"I think it's raining," says the man.

The woman replies, "No, it's snowing."

"Let's ask this communist officer here. He's always right," explains the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing currently?"

"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replied.

The man turns to his wife and says, "Rudolph the red knows rain, dear."

What do you give a stoned communist who did well on a test?

High Marx.

What did communists use for light before candles?

Electricity.

How much food does it take to kill a communist?

None.

Why do Communists Type in Lowercase Letters

Because they are anti-capitalism

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

I think it's raining. says the man.

No, it's snowing. replies the woman.

How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right! exclaims the man. Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?

Definitely raining. Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.

The man turns to his wife with a smile See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.

A couple were walking in St Petersburg...

when they felt a slight precipitation.

"I think it's raining," said the man.

"No, I definitely think it's snowing," said the woman.

After arguing for about 20 minutes, the man says, "why don't we ask this Communist officer over here? He is always right!"

So they go up to the officer and say, "Officer Rudolph, what would you say the weather is right now? Raining or snowing?" to which Officer Rudolph replies, "It is definitely raining."

The man turns to his wife with a smile and says, "see, I told you, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

Communist jokes arent funny.

Unless everyone gets them.

What do you call a communist dog?

Karl Barx

Shout-out to "Matt & Tom" for that 😊

I'm training to be a sniper in the Communist Revolutionary Forces...

... I'll be the designated Marxman!

A fascist, liberal, and communist start arguing who's got a better ideology

To settle their argument, they decide to see whose ideology can make a cat eat mustard.

Fascist takes a spoonful of mustard and forcefully shoves it down the cat's throat.

Liberal puts mustard between two pieces of tasty meat and thus tricks the cat into eating it.

Communist smears mustard below the cat's tail. Poor animal starts meowing and tries to lick it off. Communist says: Note, it's eating mustard voluntarily and with a cheerful song!

Why are communist jokes so good?

Everybody gets them

I was with my wife in Russia when it starts to drizzle

So I say to my wife "It's raining" she quickly responds (looking to start a fight) "Actually, I think it's snowing".

This goes back and forth for a few minutes when I notice my buddy Officer Rudolf of the communist national guard. I go over to him and ask, "Officer Rudolf, is it raining or snowing?"

He glances over and replies, "raining, ofcourse".
I turn back to my wife and triumphantly announce, "See, Rudolf the red knows rain dear!"

Why can't communists drive stick?

They keep Stalin the engine.

What did the communist say when his van stopped working

I guess it's stalin

A Russian couple walks down a street in Moscow when the man feels a drop hit his nose.

"I think it's raining," he says to his wife.

"No, that feels like snow to me, dear," she replies.

Just then, a minor communist party official walks towards them.

"Let's not fight about it," the man says. "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."

"It's raining, of course" Comrade Rudolph says and walks on.

But the woman insists, "I know that felt like snow."

To which the man quietly says, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

Credit to /u/Bidonet

My friend was dating a communist

He should have noticed earlier; there were a lot of red flags.

How Many Communists does it Take to Screw in a Lightbulb?

Everybody.

what do you call a communist karen?

sharon

A man walked into a communist school...

only to find that they had no classes.

A communist girl thought I was cute.

Next thing I know she seized my means of reproduction!

I think my cat is a communist.

He keeps saying "Mao"

A Slovak oligarch, Japanese nationalist, communist and a pirate meet in a parliament...

This isn't a joke. It's Czech Republic.

Did you hear about the communist couple that went to a fertility clinic?

They wanted to seize the means of reproduction.

So I went on a date with this girl last night

Things were going well, so we ended up back at her place. Then things started going REALLY well, and we ended up in her bedroom. I looked around and saw that she had a king sized bed with Communist Party sheets.

Now that's a big red flag.

First they came for the communists

And I did not speak out because I was not a communist.

Then they came for the socialists, and I did not speak out because I was not a socialist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out because I am not a Jew.

Then they came for the blacks, but I did not speak out because I was not black.

Then they came for the Arabs, but I did not speak out because I am not Arab.

Then they came for the transgendered, but I did not speak out because I am not transgender.

Then they came for the feminists, but I did not speak out because I am not a feminist.

Then they stopped coming for anyone because all the problems were pretty much gone at that point.

A man and his wife...

Are walking through the park when some grey clouds roll in. As the clouds open and water falls, the wife says, "Well isn't this a nice mist dear?" "Actually honey, it's rain," replies the husband. So they argue whether it's rain or mist for a little before the husband says, "You know what, how about we ask my communist friend Dolph? He is a little mean but he knows his rain."

So they go together to Dolph's house and the his and asks him, "Dolph, is this rain or mist?" "Why it's obviously rain you idiot, now go away!" Dolph exclaims

So as they're walking home, the husband says, "See, I told you rude dolph the red knows rain dear."

all cats are communist

they just wont stop talking about mao.

How does a LGBT Communist get to work?

On their Bi-Sickle!

A couple is walking in communist Russia...

They feel a slight precipitation.

"Is it raining?" Said the husband.

"No, its snowing." Said the wife.

"How about we ask this communist officer here? For he is in the right always."

"Officer Rudolf, is it raining or snowing?"

"Definitely raining, comrades." Officer Rudolph says as he walks off.

The man turns to his wife with a smile. "See? Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."


My 11 year old cousin has been telling this joke to anybody with ears.

Why is China a communist country?

Because nobody wants to hold an erection.

I think my cat might be a communist...

Mao...Mao...Mao...Mao...

what do you call a communist in a hurry?

A soviet rushin!
(wackady shmackady doo)

A Communist, Socialist and Capitalist all agree to meet at a cafe.

The Communist and the Capitalist arrive on time but the Socialist is late.

A hour later, the Socialist rushes in.

'Sorry I'm late guys' he said, 'I had to wait in line for a sausage'.

'What's a line?' asked the Capitalist.

'What's a sausage?' asked the Communistο»Ώ

I went out with a girl the other night who turned out to be really weird

I guess the fact that she said she was a communist should have been a big red flag

Communist cars are unreliable.

They're always Stalin.

We have collected gags that can be used as Communist pranks to have fun with. If you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Communist, here are one liners and funny Communist pick up lines.

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