Communication Jokes

Stung...

A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic: hair and makeup done by a professional, Gucci heels, Versace dress and Prada purse.
"I've been stung by a n**... insect of some kind," she tells the doctor, "...but I'm ashamed to tell you where."
"It's okay," says the doctor. "Our communication is privileged; I won't tell anyone."
"Okay," says the woman. "It was at Walmart."

After being elected President, Bernie Sanders confronted...

...General Keith B. Alexander (the head of the NSA) and asked him on what grounds he wanted to continue observing the American people's cell phone/internet communications.
The General sighed and shook his head. "Some men just want to watch the world, Bern."

"My first son has a PHD in arts, my daughter has two degrees in communication and jornalism and my youngest son is a burglar."

Friend: "Wow a burglar? You should kick him out!"
Dad: "Nah... he is the only one who makes money."

How many NSA agents does it take to change a light bulb?

I've just been informed that the NSA no longer has the capability to change a light bulb, but if we give them access to everyone's email and cell phone communications they will hopefully intercept a message that will crack this lightbulb case wide open.

What letter do pirate's hate the most?

Dear Charter Internet Customer:

Charter Communications ("Charter") has been notified by a copyright owner, or its authorized agent, that your Internet account may have been involved in the exchange of unauthorized copies of copyrighted material (e.g., music, movies, or software). We are attaching a copy of the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA) notice that Charter received from the copyright holder which includes the specific allegation.

TIL that back in the 1940s, as a result of failed communications between engineers and builders, the Soviet Union built thousands of submarines based on recalled 1850s schematics, resulting in millions of dollars in military funding being wasted.

Whoops, wrong sub.

A gorgeous woman goes to a Doctor looking fantastic: hair and makeup done by a professional, Gucci heels, Versace dress and Prada purse...

"I've been stung by a n**... insect of some kind," she tells the doctor, "...but I'm ashamed to tell you where."
"It's okay," says the good doctor. "Our communication is privileged; I won't tell anyone."
"Okay, It was at Walmart."

s**... with my wife is like the England World Cup squad

neither of us know why we're there or what we're doing, there's little passion or communication and we rarely even make it past the first stage.
It's often accompanied by lots of unnecessary noise, horrible dribbling and never a clean sheet.
It's always over far too quickly and when it does end we know it'll be at least another 4 years before it happens again.

Got home unannounced from college to find my parents had taken a vacation and not left the keys behind. Not a problem though, all I've got to do is talk to the door lock...

... because communication is key

Probably done before: What's a pirate's LEAST favourite letter?

Dear Mr Redbeard,
It has come to our attention that you have been illegally duplicating and reselling copywrited movies without permission.
As such, and utilising the full jurisdiction of the Federal Communications Authority, you are subpoenaed to appear before the Federal Supreme Court to face charges on the time and date so indicated below.
Regards,
J. L. Peabody
Chief Video Piracy Investigator

Three archaeologists met in a seminar.

The British said: we dug very deep and found sculpted animal bones. This proves that my ancestors invented art.
The German said: we dug very deep and found a plate-size disk showing the solar system. This proves that my ancestors invented astronomy.
The Italian said: we dug very deep and didn't find any wires. This proves that my ancestors invented wifi communication.

How do you lose your wife, your kid, and your job in one week?

Become the White House Communications Director.

Winds of 108mph, structural damage, flying debris, massive depression, icy blasts, communication difficulties, untold misery and suffering...

Yes, I forgot our anniversary again.

What is Thor's favorite method of communication?

Norse code.

A joke about eggs

An egg soldier is on a battlefield, trying to make contact with the egg commander.
"Sir, can you hear me?"
"Yes but there's a large amount of static on your end."
"Just as I thought."
"What do you mean, corporal?"
"Our communications have been scrambled."

What are the three fastest forms of communication?

Telephone, telegraph, tell a woman.

If you ever get locked outside, talk to your lock calmly

Because communication is the key

If you ever get locked out of your house,

talk to your lock calmly. Communication is key.

What do you call it when the Pope sends letters to his forbidden past lovers?

Ex-communication

If you're ever locked out of your house, start talking to your lock, calmly and clearly.

After all, a good communication is the key!

The Italians set up two telecommunications networks. They called them Data-1, and..

​
​
​
​
...Dissa-1

Fedex

Fedex is like my ex, no communication, no respect for my stuff, it never seems to come and somehow it makes me think it's my fault.

If you ever get locked out of your house, just talk to the lock calmly...

After all, communication is key.

Seminar

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Jim and his wife listened to the instructor declare: It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other. He addressed the men: For instance, gentlemen, can you name your wife's favorite flower? Jim leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it? The rest of the story is not pleasant.

Plumber Miscommunication

One day, a family started hearing loud talking coming from underneath the ground in their backyard. They figured maybe the plumber who did some work yesterday left a radio down there.
They sat and listened to the talking, then realized it was mostly about climate change and UFO's.
They called the plumber to ask about his missing radio.
Radio? I didn't bring a radio. Oh, I see the problem. I installed a skeptic tank instead of a septic tank.

In 1862, Australia implemented a telegraph system that stretched from south Australia to Indonesia and beyond. Effectively becoming Australia's first internet.

And the speed of communication hasn't changed since.

Name the 3 fastest means of communication.

Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman

Kevin Bridges bus stop joke

I am a bus stop, ready on a bus, whilst a pleasant madman confirmed up.
He changed into throughout the road. He shouted “Hoi u, Hoi u,…, Ai u ”.
Now whilst u are at a bus stop, at midnight, and a person instigates a communication with
“Hoi u, Hoi u,…, Ai u ”,…, you type a,…,s**... yourself!
You try to preserve your head down. Then the fellow shouts: “Oi fats boy!”.
I’m status there, searching at the two different human beings on the bus stop. I’m looking to discern out their BMI!
But beside me had been those 2 thin pensioner types.
I wager this one’s for me!
And the fellow said: “Fat boy. Give me a quid,…,or you’re getting stabbed!”
And I thought,…,a quid ? That is,…,pretty reasonable! Panic over!
I mean, I’ve by no means been stabbed, however I can believe it being really inconvenient.
You’d be blanketed in blood, need to visit the hospital, and be b**... and emotionally traumatized.
And here,…,we’ve were given a gentleman,…,providing me the threat to skip this sort of horrendous ordeal,…,
In this contemporary economic climate,…, for a trifling pound!
Now I’m a s**... for a bargain!

army recruitment

If a war breaks out, I think they will take me to communication because I'm an electrical technician. When it was the last war, my grandfather was probably also in communication because he had two lightning bolts on his helmet.

Hillary's emails finally lead to an arrest.

Roger Stone was arrested for his communications with the Trump campaign regarding Wikileaks and Hillary Clinton's emails.

My wife is always saying Communication is the most important thing in our relationship.

Then why do I have to spend all day figuring out why she is p**...?

Did you hear about the woman who quit her job as Trump's communications director?

Yes, but I thought hope left the White House ages ago.

The key to marriage is communication.

Don't have any, so you can't fight about what was said.

had an old Catholic girlfriend try and talk to me the other day...

Call that "excommunication"

Russian Ministry of Communication announces proof that Putin invented the telephone.

Played recording of three messages on answering machine left by Alexander Graham Bell.

Interspecies communication breakthrough!

I just sat on the toilet and realized my b**... speaks fluent Humpback Whale!

[Interview] Boss: I see you majored in communication.

Man: No. Miscommunication.
Boss: But your CV clearly says 'Communication'.
Man: See?

Talking to women

A newlywed man was talking with an old war veteran about what to excpect in his upcoming marriage. After talking about several different topics the veteran turns to the newlywed and says the most complicated thing that you will come across in marriage is communication. Puzzled the newlywed askes why that is so. The veteran explains by saying that talking to a woman is a lot like walking in a minefield. You hope its clear but you never know when you are going to set her off.

What do you call a county that lacks a modern telecommunications system?

"Technologically backward"
What do you call a county that lacks a fully integrated banking system?
"Economically underdeveloped."
What do you call a country that lacks a well-connected public transportation system?
"America"

Rob and Samantha ...

Rob and Samantha Henders just got married but they were having some communication issues – that's a nice way of saying they were fighting. One day, they were in the car driving down a country road, each not saying a word after a particularly intense fight.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, Rob sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"
"Yes," Samantha replied. "I married into the family."

I told my wife that I think we have communication issues.

She hung up on me!

After building the wall, Trump to build an electromagnetic barrier to prevent foreign bees from entering the U.S. by sending waves that interfere with their communication.

Trump is strictly against Global Swarming

Bad taste

Did you hear Donald Trump is putting a ban on telecommunications from the middle east!
It's called the Teleban.

Mother: "Are you talking back to me?!"
Son: "Well yeah, that's kinda how communication works."

What are the three fastest means of communication?

1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

I'm developing some flash cards to improve communication and understanding with my dog

Not much to speak of yet, I just have a handful of ruff sketches.

There have been so many recent t**... attacks in the US

It *almost* makes you wish we had some kind of national agency that could monitor people's communication and act to stop things like this before they happen

The three modes of communication

Telephone,
Telegraph and
Tell a woman

There was this huge autism conference for physiologists.

Sadly it fell through due to communication problems.

s**... is when a guys communication,
enters a girls information,
to increase the population,
for a younger generation,
do you get the information...
or do you need a demonstration.

I am surprised to see my college degree finally has some public utility

Maskcommunication

What do you call a women that works in telecommunications?

Anne Tenna

Which lasts longer?

...a White House Communications Director or a Wine Gum?

How many flat earthers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three experts in logistics, one metereologist, two cooks plus six foragers, two engineers, two pilots, two drivers, one cartographer, a steward, a communications expert, someone in charge of the journal, eight porters, five mountain climbers, five divers, two armed bodyguards, and a captain for the expedition that will find the secret instructions written 6000 years ago on stone tablets by the Mayas.

Hey, did you hear? Hope Hicks is set to resign as White House Communications Director.

I guess you could say Trump has No Hope Left. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

What did Stephen Hawking say when his communication device hit an error?

body.exe unable to run

How did Trump avoid discovery when all of the main means of communication were being traced?

He used the alternative fax.

Why did the person from the old soviet union major in communications?

Because he thought COM classes were RAD

TIL that humanity's new form of communication is acronyms

What does FTFY even mean? I swear to god people a**... acronyms so much.

So I woke up to find that someone had stolen my assignment for my communications class...

I was speechless...

The Fifa president, Secretary General, and communications director are in a car. Who is driving?

The Police.
This joke got their PR chief fired today.

The problem with the White House these days...

... is their lack of communication.

My girlfriend and I have a rocky relationship...

Much like Sylvester Stallone, there is a communication problem.

What telecommunications service does a fortnite player use?

v**... Mobile

Why are phones the basic form of communication these days?

because they're ph one

A mute couple go to couple therapy.

They found out there was just no communication.

Questionnaire

I was reviewing some questionnaire and i found this:
highest level of education achieved: **Yes**
major: **Communications**
hobbies: **Irony**

I studied agriculture and communications at university, specialising in sheep

I came out with a b.a.a

Since ceasing communication with my aged parents - I now think of them as...