communication Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious communication puns

"My first son has a PHD in arts, my daughter has two degrees in communication and jornalism and my youngest son is a burglar."

Friend: "Wow a burglar? You should kick him out!"

Dad: "Nah... he is the only one who makes money."

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Sex with my wife is like the England World Cup squad

neither of us know why we're there or what we're doing, there's little passion or communication and we rarely even make it past the first stage.
It's often accompanied by lots of unnecessary noise, horrible dribbling and never a clean sheet.
It's always over far too quickly and when it does end we know it'll be at least another 4 years before it happens again.

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The Police, the Interpol and the CIA are participating in a contest.

The Police, the Interpol and the CIA are participating in a contest to see which agency is best at tracking down criminals. So they devise a contest where they release a mouse in the jungle and after 30 minutes each agency goes out to find it. The agency that takes the least time catching the mouse wins.

They get the contest starting and the Police goes first. They let the mouse go and with their informant network they arrive 3 hours later with the mouse.

Then goes the Interpol. They let the mouse go and with their communication network and international contacts, they arrive 1 hour later with the mouse.

Finally the CIA goes after the mouse. Their agent go running into the jungle, and 10 minutes later they arrive with a beaten up crocodile screaming I'm the mouse! I'm the mouse!

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I got fired from work today..

My boss said my communication skills were awful.


I didn't know what to say to that.

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A helicopter flying over Seattle,with all communication devices down.because of the fog and rain he lost his position.

Desperate the pilot writes on a piece of paper "Where am I?" and sticks it on the windshield. He sees a tall building and surrounds it. The people inside see the note and hurry to help the pilot and they write on the window: " You're inside a helicopter ". The pilot makes a loop and safely lands. Everybody is astonished and ask him how did he do it? He said when he saw the message on the window he immediate knew his position; he realized the tall building was Microsoft because their answers are always technically correct but completely useless

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A Question of Communication

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce. He asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?

She replied, "About four acres with a little home in the middle of the property."

"No," said the judge. "I mean, what is the foundation of this case?"

"It's made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle in town, as well as my husbands parents."

He said, "Do you have a grudge?"

"No," she replied. "Since we have a carport, we've never really needed one."

"Ma'am, has your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded. "About twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Madame, why do you want a divorce?"

"I've never wanted a divorce," the woman replied. "My husband does. He says he can't communicate with me."

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Deaf newlyweds

A deaf couple had just gotten married. They were pretty conservative, so they didn't have sex until their wedding night. Being conservative, the wife insisted they keep the lights off, which made communication in the bedroom a little tough for two deaf people, to say the least.

After the third consecutive night of frustrated attempted lovemaking, the wife sits the husband down and starts signing to him.

"We need to work out a system, as this clearly isn't working so far. To start, if you want to have sex, just reach over and squeeze my right boob."

The husband nods. Easy enough.

"... but if you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left boob."

Again the husband nods, and then adds "If you want to have sex, just reach over and pull my dick."

The wife nods, and is happy her husband is liking the new system.

"...but if you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull my dick like five hundred times."

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A blonde, brunette, and redhead are stuck on an island 100 miles away from mainland with no communication to anyone else.

The brunette gets fed up with staying on the island with no one to save them so she starts swimming towards the mainland

she gets about 30 miles in, gets too tired and drowns

The redhead also gets too bored on the island and decides to swim for it

she gets 60 miles in and gets too tired and drowns

The blonde, now all alone with no rescue in sight decides to also attempt to swim for it.

she gets 50 miles in, gets tired, decides that she would rather wait for rescue and swims 50 miles back onto the island

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The power of right communication

An elderly man was on the operation table awaiting a very life threatening complicated surgery on him and he insisted that his son-in-law, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia, he spoke to his son-in-law.

'Yes, Dad, What is it?'

'Dont be nervous son; do your best and just remember, if it doesnt go well and something happens to me, your mother-in-law will come and live with you'


The Surgery was a great success.

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Have you seen Stephen Hawking's new communication device?

It really speaks for itself.

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Winds of 108mph, structural damage, flying debris, massive depression, icy blasts, communication difficulties, untold misery and suffering...

Yes, I forgot our anniversary again.

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Man's best friend

Another roughly translated joke from my native language

A man spends most of his day working, so he teaches his dog a thing or two about communication, so he could check on his wife while he was at work.
So, he sits the dog down, and teaches him, "Woof is for yes, woof woof is for no." The dog nods its head.
The next day, he calls its dog on the phone, and asks it,
"Is my wife home?"
"Woof!"
"Is she in the kitchen?"
"Woof, woof!"
"Is she in the bedroom?"
"Woof!"
"Is she alone?"
"Woof, woof!"
"What is she doing?"
"eh eh eh eh eh"

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Deaf communication

A happily married deaf couple one night realized that at night after the lights went out they had no way if communicating their sexual intent to one another. They agree to set a physical contact language they could use in the darkness. The wife says to her beloved "If you want some booty when its dark squeeze my breasts. And if you're not in the mood hold my hand" The husband thinks long before he responds. "If you're in the mood when the lights go out my love, pull my cock once. If you're not in the mood pull my cock fifty times."

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What are the three fastest forms of communication?

Telephone, telegraph, tell a woman.

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Travel to Mars

After years of work and billions of dollars, we can send a single astronaut to Mars and back. Jimmy is chosen to go on the mission with zero possibility of communication until he returns 10 years later. With a huge celebration, the shuttle takes off and the wait begins. After 10 years, Jimmy returns. Everyone is ecstatic, scientists, politicians and reporters all ask the same question: "Is there life on Mars?"

"It's a dead, stupid planet" answers Jimmy, shrugging. Everybody is sad, disappointed, accepting defeat.

When he's back at his house, his kid asks again "Dad, is there really no life on Mars?"

"Okay, so all the stores close at 2pm and they don't have whiskey, would you call it a life?"

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Communication Problem!

There was this Asian lady married to an Spanish gentleman and they lived in Spain. The poor lady was not very proficient in Spanish, but managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.

The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

What were you thinking? Helloooooooooo, her husband speaks Spanish!!!

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Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: Bigfoot, because they don't exist.

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What are the three fastest methods of communication?

Telegraph

Telephone

Tell a woman

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Before I criticize a man, I like to walk a mile in his shoes.

That way, when I do criticize him, I'm a mile away and I have his shoes.

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Yo mama is so stupid when you asked her to grab McDonald's she brings the building home.

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Wife to husband: "I'm pregnant!"
Husband: "You're kidding me!"

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I hate the part of the conversation where the other person says things.

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Saying the same thing over and over again but expecting different results is called parenting.

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The key to marriage is communication.

Don't have any, so you can't fight about what was said.

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Little Johnny walks into his parent's room one night to find them having sex.


"Mom? What are you doing?" he asks his mom.
"Making a cake" his mom replies.
Later that week, Little Johnny walks asks his mom in the car "Were you and daddy making a cake on the couch" he asks.
"Yeah. Why?" his mom asks, confused and worried.
"Because I licked the icing off the couch! It was delicious!" he responded.

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I just had an argument with a girl I know.


She was saying how that it's unfair that if a guy fucks a different girl every week, he's a legend, but if a girl fucks just two guys in a year, she's a slut.
So in response, I told her that if a key opens lots of locks, then it's a master key.
But if a lock is opened by lots of keys, then it's a shitty lock.
That shut her up.

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They say sex is a killer...
Do you want to die happy?

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Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."

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I love in horror movies how the person yells out "

Hello?!" as if the killer is gonna say "Yeah I'm in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"

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Set your wifi password to 2444666668888888. So when someone asks for it, tell them it's 12345678.

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How do you make your wife scream during sex? Call her and tell her about it.

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Teacher: "What does a duck say?"
Jenny: "Quack Quack"
Teacher: "What does a cow say?"
Madison: "Moo"
Teacher: "What does a pig say?"
Little Johnny: "A pig says *holds up gun* get on the wall, you motherfucker!"

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What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn't around? Holmeless.

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I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.

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Yo mama's so fat when she stepped on a scale it said: "

A.B.C.D.E.F.G get your fat ass off of me."

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What are the most funny Communication jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Communication? Well, here are the best Communication dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Communication pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes