Heartwarming Common Jokes that Make You Laugh
What do Apple and Donald Trump have in common?
I would say that they both think de-porting is the answer when there's no more Jobs, but I shouldn't compare apples to oranges.
What do Donald Trump & the iPhone 7 have in common?
They both think de-porting is the answer when there's no more Jobs.
Me: Sometimes I hear a voice and I think it might be an evil spirit, should I be afraid?
**Therapist:** That's actually quite common, sometimes I hear a whiny b**... girly voice.
**Me:** What do you mean?
**Therapist:** There it goes again.
What does the US military and a f**... have in common?
Air Force
What do men and women have in common?
Both need some tissues after watching a good movie.
What do liquid Draino and a Dutch stripper have in common?
They both slowly remove clogs.
I'll see myself out... Hey, at least it was original.
Thanks for the gold !
I got a massage last week...
and it was the first time I had a guy masseuse. So we're like 10 minutes in I just had to ask, is getting an e**... normal? He said yes they are very common. And I was like, well can you get it out of my face...?
Recent study has revealed that m**... might help curing the common cold.
Well I hope it is true because I haven't got any more tissues left..
What do a pregnant woman, a burnt pizza and frozen beer have in common?
A man who didn't take it out in time.
My wife came out to me after for horrible years of marriage and revealed she was a lesbian and that she wished she'd married another woman
Which finally gave us something in common.
What do Green Eggs and Ham and Fifty Shades of Grey have in common?
They both encourage people who can barely read to try new things.
You can explore common accuse reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean common favourite dad jokes. There are also common puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
What do hospitals and refrigerators have in common?
If you pull the plug, the vegetables start to decompose.
What do prime numbers and stoners have in common?
The higher they are, the more spaced out they get
What does a necrophiliac and an alcoholic have in common?
They both like to crack open a cold one.
What do Spiderman and I have in common?
We both end up with sticky hands after using the web.
What do women's p**... and nail polish have in common?
What do women's p**... and nail polish have in common?
They both come off with alcohol.
What does a Chicago police officer and a professional skateboarder have in common?
They both shred footage.
(*be gentle, it's my first time.*)
What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?
No *ball*room
What does a burnt pizza, a frozen beer and a pregnant girlfriend have in common?
One d**... who never pulls out in time
What do the Zika Virus and Catholic Priests have in common?
They're both giving kids a little head all over Latin America.
What does s**... and basketball have in common?
I'm too short to play
:(
What do a dog and a nearsighted gynecologist have in common?
A wet nose.
What does Tumblr and KFC's chicken have in common?
They both contain high amounts of trans fats.
Neil Degrasse Tyson and Mike Tyson have something common...
I don't understand what either one is saying, but I know I'll end up seeing stars.
What do the twin towers and genders have in common?
There used to be two and now it's too offensive to talk about.
What do Justin Bieber and Adolf h**... have in common?
Neither of them are musicians.
What do Donald Trump and a pumpkin have in common?
They're orange on the outside, hollow on the inside and should be tossed out in early November.
What do a glass of water and an Atheist have in common?
Jesus can make them both wine.
What does an iPhone 7 and The Titanic have in common?
The end has no Jack.
What does the MacBook have in common with Donald Trump?
I would tell you....
But I don't compare apples to oranges.
What do Kermit the Frog and Henry the Eighth have in common?
They share the same middle name.
What does Superman and a Blood gang member who lost his gun have in common?
Neither one of them want to see a Kryptonite...
What do paedophiles and tortoises have in common?
What do paedophiles and tortoises have in common?
They both want to get there before the hair
What does a pregnant teenager and her baby have in common?
They both thought "my Mom's gonna kill me."
What do me and Mariah Carey have in common?
Neither of us know the words to any of her songs
You know that tingly sensation you get when you like somebody?
That's common sense leaving your body.
What do a pregnant teen and her baby have in common?
Both of their moms are gonna kill 'em
What do prison and the shift key have in common
they both turn your "o" into an "O"
What does a church in Helsinki have in common with Mortal Kombat?
Finnish Hymn!!
What does a burnt pizza, a pregnant woman and a frozen beer all have in common?
You left it in too long.
What's the most common operation in a LEGO hospital?
Plastic surgery.
[Credits: My 11yo son invented this joke]
What do Little Miss Muffet and ISIS have in common?
They both have Kurds in their way
What do the NBA and a box of crayons have in common?
The w**... are useless.
What do Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common?
They don't come until you're asleep.
What's a stalker and a Pokemon nerd got in common?
They both hide in the bushes trying to get a Pikachu.
What do hamsters and cigarettes have in common?
They're both perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire
What do pregnant teenagers and their babies have in common?
They both think,"Oh god, my mom is going to kill me".
What do prison and the Caps Lock button have in common?
They both turn o into an O .
Mathematics is 90% common sense,
the other half is intelligence.
What do Apple and the NFL have in common?
The Chargers s**....
What do a pizza delivery driver and a gynecologist have in common?
They both get close enough to smell the goods but if they eat it they'll be in trouble.
What do two communists have in common?
Everything
What does The Walking Dead, Game of Thrones and Fast and Furious have in common?
All their Walkers are dead
What do gun owners and vegans have in common?
They're both in your face about how they're not murderers.
What do Daredevil and Scarlet Which have in common?
They both lost their vision
What do alcoholics and chemists have in common?
They both view alcohol as a solution.
I'll see my self out......
What do Saudi Arabia and Canada have in common?
In both countries, it's legal to get s**....
What does titanic and the sixth sense have in common?
Icy dead people
What does a racist joke and crossing the street have in common?
White people looking both ways before they start
What does a wife and a hand grenade have in common?
Remove the ring and your house is gone
What do dwarves and midgets have in common?
very little
What do a tornado, a hurricane, and a r**... divorce have in common?
Somebody's gonna lose their trailer.
I believe that it is time for all the world's countries to come together and create one universal currency
I mean it's just common cents
What do w**... and Walmart have in common?
We all make fun of them, but when we're inside one at 4am we're glad they're around.
Common English Mistakes
Common English Mistakes
-mixing up there, their, and they're
-using the wrong too, to, or two
-putting commas in the wrong place
-enslaving innocent people and stealing their riches
-using apostrophes for plurals
What do a ring, a baby, and a t**... have in common?
None of them are going to save your relationship.
A JOKE MY DAD CAME UP WITH
Since the united states has a nationwide coin shortage, does that mean we lack common cents?
What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common?
Neither one can resist the urge to crack open a cold one .
What do the t**... and prostate have in common?
Nothing. There's a vas deferens between the two.
What do Elon Musk and Thomas Edison have in common?
They both got rich off of Tesla.
During a biology exam a student has to list three pros of breast milk.
He's unprepared, but starts looking for common sense answers and writes down:
- Contains all the nutrients a baby needs,
- Doesn't need heating,
But he still needs one more. And just as the time is about to run out, the student writes:
- Has great packaging.
What do Chris Hemsworth and Mike Tyson have in common after a workout?
They're both Thor.
What do Incel and Excel have in common?
Misinterpreting something as a date.
I witnessed an actual m**... in real life and didn't tell anyone about it.
Crows are common in my area so it wasn't a big deal.
What do Excel, incels and some people who casually eat figs have in common?
They get confused and incorrectly assume it's a date.
(Edit)
Thank you for the awards.
As people have pointed out, this joke seems to have originated from a venn diagram, but seeing as I heard it a different way and we can't post venn diagrams on this sub, I don't see what's wrong with sharing a good joke for others to enjoy. :/
Does anyone know what the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common?
Icy dead people
What do men and Excel have in common?
They're always automatically turning things into dates when they're not.
What do "I'm pregnant", "we're pregnant" and "she's pregnant" have in common?
They all have *contractions*.
What do a p**... and candy have in common?
When you pull them out of your backpack suddenly everyone at school wants to be your friend.
I had a job offer in Newark, but I heard it's dangerous...
So I called a friend of a friend who lives there. He said, "It has a bad reputation, but if you use basic caution and common sense, it can be a fun, vibrant place to live."
I said, "Cool! By the way, what do you do there?"
He said, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck."
What does a burnt pizza, frozen beer and a pregnant woman all have in common?
An idiot who didn't take it out in time.
Lance is not a common name nowadays.
But in medieval times, people called their sons Lance a lot.
What do fetuses, servicemen and gay people have in common in the US?
The government stops caring about them once they're out.
What do Christians and mice have in common?
They both worship cheeses
What do nerds and racists have in common?
They both aspire to be wizards.
What is the most common question the Finnish detective asks a suspect?
"What were you doing the night between November and May?"
I'll see myself out.
What do libertarians and house cats have in common?
They both act like they are independent and self sufficient but in reality are utterly dependent on a system they can neither appreciate nor understand.
What does my Grandma and a Modern website have in common?
Making me Accept the Cookies on every visit.
Q. What do b**... and Legos have in common?
A. They were both intended for babies but adults also enjoy them.
What do Taylor Swift and Chinese history have in common?
They both have a Blank Space in 1989
What do r**... from the South & a**... from Boston have in common?
They both hate the Yankees!
What do Michael Jackson and a fighter pilot shooting down a balloon have in common?
Both are King of Pop.
What do all these Leonardo DiCaprio jokes have in common?
They're all so childish..
Bob was struggling in the bedroom because he couldn't last as long as his wife.
He thought that maybe if he learned some French it would help.
But it didn't.
Then he tried learning German.
That didn't help either.
He tried Spanish, Portuguese, even Sweedish. Nothing worked.
Finally, he gave up. "It doesn't matter what language I learn," he said to his wife. "They all have one thing in common."
"What's that?" She asked.
"D comes before V."
What do a wife and an old car have in common?
It's hard to get them to turn over on a cold morning
Our local fish market ranks their catches on how rare they are
I noticed today that they had rare salmon. It definitely isn't common plaice!
