Commit Jokes
131 commit jokes and hilarious commit puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about commit that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Belly laugh to some of the most hilarious git commit jokes. Learn why commiting a sin is like Kermitted the crime or why a merge conflict is not cause for alarm. Join us as we uncover these and more witty and entertaining git commit jokes.
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Funniest Commit Short Jokes
Short commit jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The commit humour may include short execute jokes also.
- Studies say most stabbings are committed by someone close to the victim. Within arm's length, to be specific.
- The nfl has hired their first female referee. She will throw the flag for penalties the team committed 5 years ago.
- A judge asked Shakira if she commited tax fraud. Shakira: "Of course not your Honor."
Shakiras Hips:"Of course we did your Honor." - According to theology, if you commit 90 sins, you'll only get caught half the time. Because ….sin90 = cot45
- if you commit a crime 90 times, if you commit a crime 90 times, you'll only get caught 45 times
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because sin90=cot45 - A friend told me he doesn't let his kids watch orchestra performances cuz there's too much sax and violins. I told him puns make me wanna commit violins.
- I was going to commit seppuku the other day. But I didn't have the guts to go through with it.
- I think Americans are right to worry about immigrants Because they might commit a mass shooting just to fit in with the culture.
- When I went to Australia, I was asked if I had committed any felonies back home... I hadn't realized that was still a requirement to get in
- What do you call a Jamaican man who has committed some sin? A cinnamon.
It's turrible I know, but I thought of it at the grocery store and had to share it.
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Commit One Liners
Which commit one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with commit? I can suggest the ones about submission and approve.
- What do you call a billionaire who commits crimes after sunset? Felon Dusk.
- Why was the mime arrested? He committed an unspeakable crime
- There no such thing a fully committed Jew. Most of them are only Jew-ish.
- If you commit 90 sins, u will get caught 45 times. Why? Because Sin 90 = Cot 45!
- I found a useful website for people with commitment issues. But I didn't want to sign up.
- What do you call a woman that tries to force you into commitment? A booby trap
- If you commit 90 sins, you will only be caught half the time. Because sin 90 = cot 45
- Why didn't the drummer commit the crime? He couldn't handle the repercussions.
- Eggs and bacon A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime's commitment for a pig.
- What drove the conductor to commit his heinous crimes? His loco motives.
- What happens when a battery commits a crime? They get charged
- How do you end a prayer to the noodle God? Ramen.
- My mexican friend commited a robbery and got away. Now he's Juanted
- Why couldn't the priest make it to the party? He had friar commitments.
- What does Joker do when he's not plotting or committing evil crimes? He rides his Harley.
Commit Adultery Jokes
Here is a list of funny commit adultery jokes and even better commit adultery puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did Roy Moore go for underage girls? He didn't want to commit *adult*ery.
- Where can you find information about raisins that commit adultery? Currant Affairs
- What's the difference between American girls and Middle Eastern girls? American girls get s**... BEFORE they commit adultery.
- Q: What is the difference between a Protestant woman and a Muslim woman? A: Protestant woman gets s**... before they commit adultery.
- What's the difference between a Muslim woman and an American one? An American woman gets s**... *before* she commits adultery.
- What's the difference between a Western girl and an Arab girl? The Western girl gets s**... **before** she commits adultery.
- What did the constipated fish do after commiting adultery? She made a bass-t**....
Git Commit Jokes
Here is a list of funny git commit jokes and even better git commit puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Girls who say I can't commit... ...obviously haven't seem my Git repositories.
- Making jokes about Git is not easy You have to really commit and push.
- Why don't bachelors use git? They don't like committing.
- My family told me i'm not commited to them I told them to git thefuckout
Amusing & Witty Commit Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun
What funny jokes about commit you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean intent jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make commit pranks.
People can be so easy to read...
...like if their face is red, they're embarrassed. Or if their skin is brown, they're about to commit a crime.
Why did the chicken commit s**...?
To get to the other side.
In the bad old days on the Soviet Union,
a dissident published a pamphlet in which he openly said Stalin was a fool. Sure enough, the man was arrested days later for this crime. So, the dissident went to court and said "I'm innocent and want to defend myself! What I said was truthful - I did not commit libel!" The judge said to him "you don't understand - you're not being charged for libel, you're being charged with revealing a state secret."
-heard on an Intelligence Squared debate.
An old lady was tired of her hard life and wanted to commit s**....
She decided the best way to die was to shoot herself through the heart, but she doesn't know where the heart is. So she called her doctor and asked.
The doctor told her the heart is located 2 inches below the left n**....
The old lady hung up and shot herself in her knee.
Library s**...
A man goes to the library and asks if they have a book on how to commit s**....
The librarian says "Yeh, I think we do, it should be at the back row on the top shelf".
The man goes and looks, even climbs a ladder to look at the top but still can't find it.
"Still no luck" says the man.
The librarian replies "Oh, the last person who borrowed it mustn't have brought it back"
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit s**... yesterday....
But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, f**... it, soldier on!
I failed my Japanese final
My only option at this point is to commit sudoku...
What did the commitment averse monster truck announcer say to his girlfriend when she asked him, "When are you going to finally ask me to marry you?"
###SOMEDAY
###SOMEDAY!
###SOMEDAY!!
A Psychiatrist is sitting in his office...
When his secretary comes in and says "Sir, there's a man here to see you who thinks he's a flock of crows. If you ask me we should just send him to the loony bin and be done with it."
And the psychiatrist replied "Doris! Are you asking me to commit a m**...!?"
A guest calls the front desk of a hotel:
and says my wife wants to commit s**... by jumping out of the window.
The receptionist: sir, this is a private matter. Please call the cops.
Guest: no. i need a maintenance guy. Your window doesnt open.
A man is standing on the top of a tall building about to commit s**......
...when a physicist at the bottom shouts up, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
Why is a fencing sword more likely to commit s**... assault
because its a bit rapier.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to commit s**......
is it a hostage situation?
A committee has narrowed the search for a name for the newly hypothesised 9th planet.
It's between Urpenis and Urvagina.
Why did the French chef commit s**...?
he lost his huile d'olive
An old woman wants to commit s**......
...by shooting herself in the heart, but she doesn't really know where the heart is.
She goes to the local doctor and asks;
"Doctor, can you please tell me where the heart is?"
"Oh, it's just below your left breast."
So the old woman walked home and shot herself in the knee.
God went to a Frenchman
He said 'I've got some commandments, do you want some?'
'What are they like?' The Frenchman replied
'Thou shall not commit adultery' Answered God
'I don't think so...' Slurred the Frenchman, so God went to a German and asked if he wanted any.
'What are they like?' The German questioned
'Thou shall not kill' God replied
'Hmmm, perhaps not' The German sighed, so God went to an Italian, offering him some commandments
'What are they like?' The Italian inquired
'Thou shall not steal' Answered God
'Perhaps not' The Italian replied. So God went to a Jew and offered him some commandments
'How much are they?' The Jew asked
'They're free' God answered
'I'll take ten' Said the Jew
Why did the man commit s**... by helium suffocation?
He wanted to go out on a high note.
What do you call ravens trying to marry crows.
Conspiracy to commit m**....
How does Stephen Hawking commit s**...?
Alt-F4
Why can't Chinese emperors commit m**...?
Because it's irregal
Why did h**... commit s**...?
He received the gas bill.
Don't commit s**...!
It's i**... to destroy government property.
Why did the fisherman commit s**... when the last dolphin died?
Because his life had no porpoise.
If ever I commit m**..., I'm doing it with Indian flatbread.
Naan violent crimes get shorter sentences in respect for their counterparts.
A man is charged with first-degree m**... and is on the stand, being questioned by the prosecution.
Did you commit the crime?
No sir, I did not.
I remind you that you are under oath. Do you know the penalty for perjury?
Yes sir, and it's a darn sight less than the penalty for m**....
A preacher gives a sermon on the 10 Commandments ...
hoping that when he got to "Thou Shall Not Steal" whoever stole his bike would confess.
No one confessed.
But when he got to the part about "Thou shall not commit adultery" he remembered where he left his bike.
If I ever commit a m**..., I'm doing it with Indian flatbread.
Naan violent crimes almost never merit life sentences.
A blonde tried to commit s**...
Police found six bullet holes in her mirror.
Girl about to jump of a bridge.....
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, What are you doing?
I'm going to commit s**..., she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity. He asked Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a b**...? So, she does and it was a long, deep and slow b**....
After she's finished, the biker says, Wow! That was the best b**... I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing s**...?
My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl.....
Why is it ok for an ice company to commit a fraud?
Because... their assets are already frozen.
What is a surefire way to make sure your friend doesn't commit s**...?
Shoot him
How do Putin opponents commit s**...?
Two bullets to the back of the head.
My girlfriend and I planned to commit s**... together...
... But once she killed herself, things started looking a lot more positive.
A Muslim is about to commit s**... when a Catholic priest stops him
"What are you doing?!" Exclaims the priest
"There is nothing on this Earth for me." The Muslim says "I will commit s**... to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"
The priest shakes his head
"Foolish Muslim, s**... is not the way!" He says
"Follow me, Ill take you to the local primary school."
I once Googled, "How to commit m**... and get away with it"...
The first result was, "Don't Google how to commit m**... and get away with it."
An old lady, after a long life of loss and agony, was going to commit s**... by shooting herself in the heart with a crossbow. She researched human anatomy and learned her heart was just under her left breast.....
She was just admitted to the ER with an arrow to the knee.
The jumper ....
A Truck driver sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.
"What are you doing?" he says.
"I'm trying to commit s**...," she says.
s**... driver says with sly grin "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a b**...."
So, she does.
After she's finished, the trucker says, "Wow! That's a wasted talent. Why are you committing s**...?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl....."
The police asked me if I would take a lie detector...
I said yes and now I've been charged with conspiracy to commit theft.
How do you make a walrus commit s**...?
Point at its chest and say 'What's that?'
How do mathematicians commit s**...?
They hang themselves with a hypotenoose
What criminal offense do college students commit the least?
Resisting a rest.
"Doctor, my brother is crazy. He thinks he is a chicken."
"Well, why don't you commit him to a mental asylum?"
"I would, but I need the eggs."
An old woman falls asleep in church
The priest asks, "How many of you commit adultery? Those who do, stand up." Just then the old lady wakes up and asks her son-in-law, "What did he say?" The son-in-law wants to play a prank and answers "Those who take Tic Tacs have to stand up." The woman, who takes the pills by boxes, stands up. Everyone gasps, and the priest asks, "How could you, at your age?"
"Just because I've got no teeth doesn't mean I can't s**... 'em!"
How did the man with no arms commit s**...?
We'll never know - he didn't leave a note.
A grandmother goes to the doctor
A grandmother goes to the doctor and asks: "Where is the heart?"
The doctor answers: "2 centimetres below the n**..."
Next day in the newspaper: "Woman tries to commit s**... and shoots herself in the knee"
After both suffering from depression, my wife and I were going to commit s**... yesterday.
But once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better.
How do Russians commit s**...?
With two bullets to the back of the head.
Criminals are called criminals because...
if they can commit a crime without being caught most of the time, they would be called Politicians.
Why did the boulder commit s**...?
He hit rock bottom.
How do you know a blonde has been trying to commit s**...?
There are bullet holes in the mirror.
Hitlers s**...
One jewish man tells a joke to a woman, so he says:
"Why did h**... commit s**...?"
She said: "I don't know."
he replies:".... He saw the gas bill."
Then she said:"That's horrible! How could you say that!"
And he replies: "I'm sorry, I really shouldn't be joking about the holocaust. My great grandfather died in concentration camp."
The girl replies: "I'm so sorry to hear that."
And he says: "Yeah, it's sad, he fell off the guard tower."
Did you hear about the guy that kept trying to commit s**...?
I think he was learning the ropes, but couldn't get the hang of it...
Why did math commit s**...?
Because it had too many problems
A homeless vagabond approaches a woman, who is about to commit s**... from by throwing her self from the rooftop.
Vagabond says
- excuse me, lady. I know you are very depressed. But you know... eh... I've never been with a woman, can you sleep with me, your going to kill your self anyway...
Woman replies
-what, are you crazy!
To what he answers
-fine, I'll wait downstairs!
Why are cat pirates so untrustworthy?
They tend to commit mewtiny
Islamic terrorists makes no sense . Commit s**... and might get 72 virgins ?
Become a Catholic priest and get them now
I called s**... Helpline,they didn't help me commit s**...
They left me hanging
What type of crime do monks commit?
Premeditated m**...
No more Polish jokes folks.
All these Polish jokes here are very hurtful. Yesterday my friend who is Polish had read enough and tried to commit s**... by jumping out his basement window.
Idk if this one's been said but here you go. A man goes to the library and askes for a book about the best way to commit s**...
The librarian says frick off I know your not gonna return it.
A m**... attempted to commit s**......
... they failed to find the edge of the Earth.
Did you hear about the man who tried to commit s**... by taking 500 painkillers?
After taking 2 he said he felt better.
*\[Thank you Benny Hill\]*
The doctor told him some bad news.
A few years ago a friend of mine tried to commit s**..., he had gone to the doctor for test results and found out he was dyslexic he was so upset he went outside and jumped behind a bus.
What is a Pirate's favorite crime to commit?
ARR-son!
What did the doctor diagnose?
A man went to the doctor and said that he wanted to commit s**....
The doctor, visibly surprised, asked, "why?"
The man said, "When I touch my finger to my body, it hurts. When I touch it to my head, it hurts. When I touch to my feet it hurts. What will I do living with so much pain?"
After a lot of investigation, the doctor diagnosed, that the man actually had a fractured finger.
Why is it that when you commit crimes 90 times you will only get caught 45 times ?
Because sin 90 = cot 45
If you commit a 1st degree m**... in Canada
is it a 34 degree m**... in the US?
If you commit 90 sins, you would be caught half the time.
Because sin90 = cot45
(DARK) Where does a s**... bomber go after they commit their crime
Everywhere
BREAKING NEWS: The president was found in his office after trying to commit s**..., his statement:
"Fake noose."
