Commitment Jokes

58 commitment jokes and hilarious commitment puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about commitment that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Looking for commitment jokes? You've come to the right place! This article is full of hilarious commitment jokes that will have you laughing out loud.

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Funniest Commitment Short Jokes

Short commitment jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The commitment humour may include short dedication jokes also.

  1. Studies say most stabbings are committed by someone close to the victim. Within arm's length, to be specific.
  2. The nfl has hired their first female referee. She will throw the flag for penalties the team committed 5 years ago.
  3. A judge asked Shakira if she commited tax fraud. Shakira: "Of course not your Honor."
    Shakiras Hips:"Of course we did your Honor."
  4. According to theology, if you commit 90 sins, you'll only get caught half the time. Because ….sin90 = cot45
  5. if you commit a crime 90 times, if you commit a crime 90 times, you'll only get caught 45 times
    because sin90=cot45
  6. A friend told me he doesn't let his kids watch orchestra performances cuz there's too much sax and violins. I told him puns make me wanna commit violins.
  7. I was going to commit seppuku the other day. But I didn't have the guts to go through with it.
  8. I think Americans are right to worry about immigrants Because they might commit a mass shooting just to fit in with the culture.
  9. When I went to Australia, I was asked if I had committed any felonies back home... I hadn't realized that was still a requirement to get in
  10. What do you call a Jamaican man who has committed some sin? A cinnamon.
    It's turrible I know, but I thought of it at the grocery store and had to share it.

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Commitment One Liners

Which commitment one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with commitment? I can suggest the ones about engagement and responsibility.

  1. What do you call a billionaire who commits crimes after sunset? Felon Dusk.
  2. Why was the mime arrested? He committed an unspeakable crime
  3. There no such thing a fully committed Jew. Most of them are only Jew-ish.
  4. If you commit 90 sins, u will get caught 45 times. Why? Because Sin 90 = Cot 45!
  5. I found a useful website for people with commitment issues. But I didn't want to sign up.
  6. What do you call a woman that tries to force you into commitment? A booby trap
  7. If you commit 90 sins, you will only be caught half the time. Because sin 90 = cot 45
  8. Why didn't the drummer commit the crime? He couldn't handle the repercussions.
  9. Eggs and bacon A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime's commitment for a pig.
  10. What drove the conductor to commit his heinous crimes? His loco motives.
  11. What happens when a battery commits a crime? They get charged
  12. How do you end a prayer to the noodle God? Ramen.
  13. My mexican friend commited a robbery and got away. Now he's Juanted
  14. Why couldn't the priest make it to the party? He had friar commitments.
  15. What does Joker do when he's not plotting or committing evil crimes? He rides his Harley.

Commitment Issues Jokes

Here is a list of funny commitment issues jokes and even better commitment issues puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • My girlfriend says I've got commitment issues.... Well she's not really my girlfriend, more of a wife.
    -Stuart Francis
  • I was once addicted to commitment issues. I quit before it got serious.
  • I shouldn't have bought balloons from a salesman with commitment issues. There were no strings attached.
  • My girlfriend says I have commitment issues! Well, technically she's my wife.
  • commitment issues Doctor: You might have a phobia of marriage. Do you think you have the symptoms?
    Man: Can't say I do.
    Doctor: Yes. That's the main one.
  • My three biggest relationship issues are 1. Commitment issues
  • Which magazine has only one issue? Commitment
  • I'm really afraid now that Gay Marriage has been legalized... because I have major commitment issues.
  • Why did the melon have commitment issues? Because he cantaloupe
  • Women say I have commitment issues because of my unhealthy relationship with my father But I still talk to my dad all the time, our s**... life has never been better.
Commitment joke, Women say I have commitment issues because of my unhealthy relationship with my father

Comical Puns & Laughs: Enjoy Fun, Witty Commitment Jokes with Friends.

What funny jokes about commitment you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean loyalty jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make commitment pranks.

Where's the best place to hide after committing m**...?

Behind a badge.

My wife said to me If I ever get

Alzheimers I would commit s**... rather than burdening you with me"
I said "Thats the fifth time you've said that today"

How do you know a blonde has been trying to commit s**...?

There are bullet holes in the mirror.

A s**... has been spray painted over Donald Trump's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame...

...Police say it's impossible to tell if the act was committed by Trump's opponents or supporters.

What's the difference between American girls and Middle Eastern girls?

American girls get s**... BEFORE they commit adultery.

The cleaning lady at my office invited me to go smoke w**... after work, but I told her no

I made a commitment to myself to avoid high maintenance women

A woman in her 90s calls her doctor and asks:

"Doctor, where is the heart?"
To which the doctor replies: "it is at the height of your left n**..."
The elderly woman thanks the man and ends the call.
A new day arrives and the doctor reads the headline of his newspaper
"Elderly woman wants to commit s**..., shoots herself in the knee"

They say in every friend group there is 1 willing to commit m**...

I killed the guy I suspected most before he could do any harm .

My girlfriend and I planned to commit s**... together...

... But once she killed herself, things started looking a lot more positive.

An old lady was tired of her hard life and wanted to commit s**....

She decided the best way to die was to shoot herself through the heart, but she doesn't know where the heart is. So she called her doctor and asked.
The doctor told her the heart is located 2 inches below the left n**....
The old lady hung up and shot herself in her knee.

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

How do you make a walrus commit s**...?

Point at its chest and say 'What's that?'

A guest calls the front desk of a hotel:

and says my wife wants to commit s**... by jumping out of the window.
The receptionist: sir, this is a private matter. Please call the cops.
Guest: no. i need a maintenance guy. Your window doesnt open.

A Muslim is about to commit s**... when a Catholic priest stops him

"What are you doing?!" Exclaims the priest
"There is nothing on this Earth for me." The Muslim says "I will commit s**... to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"
The priest shakes his head
"Foolish Muslim, s**... is not the way!" He says
"Follow me, Ill take you to the local primary school."

My dad said he was going to set me up for life. Of course, I was excited by the idea.

Until he blamed me for the m**... he committed.

The police have just released my mother-in-law after questioning her about the m**... of her husband.

They only spoke to her for 2 minutes before coming to the conclusion he committed s**....

A blonde tried to commit s**...

Police found six bullet holes in her mirror.

The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.

When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983..

In a confession booth...

ME: I committed all seven deadly sins in 30 minutes.
PRIEST: Wow I gotta hear this.
ME: I was angry and envious at my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and I didn't share.
PRIEST: You forgot pride.
ME: No, Im pretty proud of this.

An old woman wants to commit s**...... shooting herself in the heart, but she doesn't really know where the heart is.
She goes to the local doctor and asks;
"Doctor, can you please tell me where the heart is?"
"Oh, it's just below your left breast."
So the old woman walked home and shot herself in the knee.

How do Russians commit s**...?

With two bullets to the back of the head.

A pastor discovered his bicycle had been stolen

He decided to use it as inspiration for that week's sermon, and began writing on the Ten Commandments, especially thou shalt not steal
Then he got to thou shalt not commit adultery and remembered where he left his bike.

Over smart.

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
"Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

A woman puts an ad in the paper looking for a man who wouldn't run away at the sight of commitment, who wouldn't hit her, and could fulfill her s**... life.

Two weeks go by and nothing. Finally one day the door bell rings. She opens the door and sees a no-armed, no-legged man.
She looks at him and asks, "How do you expect to fulfill my wishes?"
He explains, "I have no arms to hit you with and no legs to run away."
Then she says, "And the s**... life?"
He looks at her and says, "I rang the door bell, didn't I?"

Commitment joke, A friend told me he doesn't let his kids watch orchestra performances cuz there's too much sax and v

jokes about commitment