The Best 86 Commit Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Commit jokes. There are some commit dedicate jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these commit murder puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Commit Jokes and Puns

People can be so easy to read... if their face is red, they're embarrassed. Or if their skin is brown, they're about to commit a crime.

Why did the chicken commit suicide?

To get to the other side.

In the bad old days on the Soviet Union,

a dissident published a pamphlet in which he openly said Stalin was a fool. Sure enough, the man was arrested days later for this crime. So, the dissident went to court and said "I'm innocent and want to defend myself! What I said was truthful - I did not commit libel!" The judge said to him "you don't understand - you're not being charged for libel, you're being charged with revealing a state secret."

-heard on an Intelligence Squared debate.

Commit joke, In the bad old days on the Soviet Union,

An old lady was tired of her hard life and wanted to commit suicide.

She decided the best way to die was to shoot herself through the heart, but she doesn't know where the heart is. So she called her doctor and asked.

The doctor told her the heart is located 2 inches below the left nipple.

The old lady hung up and shot herself in her knee.

Library suicide

A man goes to the library and asks if they have a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian says "Yeh, I think we do, it should be at the back row on the top shelf".
The man goes and looks, even climbs a ladder to look at the top but still can't find it.
"Still no luck" says the man.
The librarian replies "Oh, the last person who borrowed it mustn't have brought it back"

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday....

But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Fuck it, soldier on!”

So the media say GTA V will cause players to commit crime.

Bullshit, I've got the Coronation Street board game and I'm not a pedophile.

Commit joke, So the media say GTA V will cause players to commit crime.

I failed my Japanese final

My only option at this point is to commit sudoku...

What did the commitment averse monster truck announcer say to his girlfriend when she asked him, "When are you going to finally ask me to marry you?"


A Psychiatrist is sitting in his office...

When his secretary comes in and says "Sir, there's a man here to see you who thinks he's a flock of crows. If you ask me we should just send him to the loony bin and be done with it."

And the psychiatrist replied "Doris! Are you asking me to commit a murder!?"

What's the difference between American girls and Middle Eastern girls?

American girls get stoned BEFORE they commit adultery.

You can explore commit crime reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean commit conviction dad jokes. There are also commit puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

Girls who say I can't commit...

...obviously haven't seem my Git repositories.

A guest calls the front desk of a hotel:

and says my wife wants to commit suicide by jumping out of the window.

The receptionist: sir, this is a private matter. Please call the cops.

Guest: no. i need a maintenance guy. Your window doesnt open.

If you commit 90 sins, u will get caught 45 times. Why?

Because Sin 90 = Cot 45!

A man is standing on the top of a tall building about to commit suicide...

...when a physicist at the bottom shouts up, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

Why didn't the drummer commit the crime?

He couldn't handle the repercussions.

Commit joke, Why didn't the drummer commit the crime?

Why is a fencing sword more likely to commit sexual assault

because its a bit rapier.

Why did the French chef commit suicide?

he lost his huile d'olive

An old woman wants to commit suicide... shooting herself in the heart, but she doesn't really know where the heart is.

She goes to the local doctor and asks;

"Doctor, can you please tell me where the heart is?"

"Oh, it's just below your left breast."

So the old woman walked home and shot herself in the knee.

God went to a Frenchman

He said 'I've got some commandments, do you want some?'

'What are they like?' The Frenchman replied

'Thou shall not commit adultery' Answered God

'I don't think so...' Slurred the Frenchman, so God went to a German and asked if he wanted any.

'What are they like?' The German questioned

'Thou shall not kill' God replied

'Hmmm, perhaps not' The German sighed, so God went to an Italian, offering him some commandments

'What are they like?' The Italian inquired

'Thou shall not steal' Answered God

'Perhaps not' The Italian replied. So God went to a Jew and offered him some commandments

'How much are they?' The Jew asked

'They're free' God answered

'I'll take ten' Said the Jew

I was going to commit seppuku the other day.

But I didn't have the guts to go through with it.

Why did the man commit suicide by helium suffocation?

He wanted to go out on a high note.

What do you call ravens trying to marry crows.

Conspiracy to commit murder.

How does Stephen Hawking commit suicide?


Why can't Chinese emperors commit murder?

Because it's irregal

Why did Hitler commit suicide?

He received the gas bill.

Don't commit suicide!

It's illegal to destroy government property.

Why did the fisherman commit suicide when the last dolphin died?

Because his life had no porpoise.

If ever I commit murder, I'm doing it with Indian flatbread.

Naan violent crimes get shorter sentences in respect for their counterparts.

A man is charged with first-degree murder and is on the stand, being questioned by the prosecution.

Did you commit the crime?

No sir, I did not.

I remind you that you are under oath. Do you know the penalty for perjury?

Yes sir, and it's a darn sight less than the penalty for murder.

Q: What is the difference between a Protestant woman and a Muslim woman?

A: Protestant woman gets stoned before they commit adultery.

If I ever commit a murder, I'm doing it with Indian flatbread.

Naan violent crimes almost never merit life sentences.

A blonde tried to commit suicide

Police found six bullet holes in her mirror.

I think Americans are right to worry about immigrants

Because they might commit a mass shooting just to fit in with the culture.

Girl about to jump of a bridge.....

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, What are you doing?

I'm going to commit suicide, she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity. He asked Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a blow job? So, she does and it was a long, deep and slow blow job.

After she's finished, the biker says, Wow! That was the best blow job I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?

My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl.....

Why is it ok for an ice company to commit a fraud?

Because... their assets are already frozen.

What is a surefire way to make sure your friend doesn't commit suicide?

Shoot him

How do Putin opponents commit suicide?

Two bullets to the back of the head.

My girlfriend and I planned to commit suicide together...

... But once she killed herself, things started looking a lot more positive.

A Muslim is about to commit suicide when a Catholic priest stops him

"What are you doing?!" Exclaims the priest

"There is nothing on this Earth for me." The Muslim says "I will commit suicide to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"

The priest shakes his head

"Foolish Muslim, suicide is not the way!" He says

"Follow me, Ill take you to the local primary school."

I once Googled, "How to commit murder and get away with it"...

The first result was, "Don't Google how to commit murder and get away with it."

An old lady, after a long life of loss and agony, was going to commit suicide by shooting herself in the heart with a crossbow. She researched human anatomy and learned her heart was just under her left breast.....

She was just admitted to the ER with an arrow to the knee.

The jumper ....

A Truck driver sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.
"What are you doing?" he says.
"I'm trying to commit suicide," she says.
Sleazy driver says with sly grin "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a blow job."
So, she does.
After she's finished, the trucker says, "Wow! That's a wasted talent. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl....."

Why did Roy Moore go for underage girls?

He didn't want to commit *adult*ery.

if you commit a crime 90 times,

if you commit a crime 90 times, you'll only get caught 45 times
because sin90=cot45

The police asked me if I would take a lie detector...

I said yes and now I've been charged with conspiracy to commit theft.

How do you make a walrus commit suicide?

Point at its chest and say 'What's that?'

How do mathematicians commit suicide?

They hang themselves with a hypotenoose

What criminal offense do college students commit the least?

Resisting a rest.

"Doctor, my brother is crazy. He thinks he is a chicken."

"Well, why don't you commit him to a mental asylum?"

"I would, but I need the eggs."

An old woman falls asleep in church

The priest asks, "How many of you commit adultery? Those who do, stand up." Just then the old lady wakes up and asks her son-in-law, "What did he say?" The son-in-law wants to play a prank and answers "Those who take Tic Tacs have to stand up." The woman, who takes the pills by boxes, stands up. Everyone gasps, and the priest asks, "How could you, at your age?"

"Just because I've got no teeth doesn't mean I can't suck 'em!"

How did the man with no arms commit suicide?

We'll never know - he didn't leave a note.

A grandmother goes to the doctor

A grandmother goes to the doctor and asks: "Where is the heart?"
The doctor answers: "2 centimetres below the nipples"
Next day in the newspaper: "Woman tries to commit suicide and shoots herself in the knee"

After both suffering from depression, my wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday.

But once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better.

How do Russians commit suicide?

With two bullets to the back of the head.

Why did the boulder commit suicide?

He hit rock bottom.

How do you know a blonde has been trying to commit suicide?

There are bullet holes in the mirror.

Hitlers suicide

One jewish man tells a joke to a woman, so he says:
"Why did hitler commit suicide?"
She said: "I don't know."
he replies:".... He saw the gas bill."
Then she said:"That's horrible! How could you say that!"
And he replies: "I'm sorry, I really shouldn't be joking about the holocaust. My great grandfather died in concentration camp."
The girl replies: "I'm so sorry to hear that."
And he says: "Yeah, it's sad, he fell off the guard tower."

Did you hear about the guy that kept trying to commit suicide?

I think he was learning the ropes, but couldn't get the hang of it...

Why did math commit suicide?

Because it had too many problems

A homeless vagabond approaches a woman, who is about to commit suicide from by throwing her self from the rooftop.

Vagabond says
- excuse me, lady. I know you are very depressed. But you know... eh... I've never been with a woman, can you sleep with me, your going to kill your self anyway...
Woman replies
-what, are you crazy!
To what he answers
-fine, I'll wait downstairs!

Islamic terrorists makes no sense . Commit suicide and might get 72 virgins ?

Become a Catholic priest and get them now

I called Suicide Helpline,they didn't help me commit suicide

They left me hanging

If you commit 90 sins, you will only be caught half the time.

Because sin 90 = cot 45

What drove the conductor to commit his heinous crimes?

His loco motives.

What type of crime do monks commit?

Premeditated murder

A moron attempted to commit suicide...

... they failed to find the edge of the Earth.

Did you hear about the man who tried to commit suicide by taking 500 painkillers?

After taking 2 he said he felt better.

*\[Thank you Benny Hill\]*

The doctor told him some bad news.

A few years ago a friend of mine tried to commit suicide, he had gone to the doctor for test results and found out he was dyslexic he was so upset he went outside and jumped behind a bus.

What did the doctor diagnose?

A man went to the doctor and said that he wanted to commit suicide.

The doctor, visibly surprised, asked, "why?"

The man said, "When I touch my finger to my body, it hurts. When I touch it to my head, it hurts. When I touch to my feet it hurts. What will I do living with so much pain?"

After a lot of investigation, the doctor diagnosed, that the man actually had a fractured finger.

Why is it that when you commit crimes 90 times you will only get caught 45 times ?

Because sin 90 = cot 45

If you commit a 1st degree murder in Canada

is it a 34 degree murder in the US?

(DARK) Where does a suicide bomber go after they commit their crime


BREAKING NEWS: The president was found in his office after trying to commit suicide, his statement:

"Fake noose."

At the library

Me: Do you have a book on how to commit suicide?

Librarian: Of course.

Me: Can I borrow it?

Librarian: No, you might not return it.

Me: .......

A 90 year old woman decided to commit suicide.

She wanted to shoot herself in the heart but she wasn't sure exactly where it was located on her body so she called the doctor and asked where her heart was. He told her it was directly under her left breast. So she shot her kneecap off.

I hate it when people shorten words for no reason.

It makes me want to commit murds.

I was committed when I was young, but not because I was crazy...

Each one of me could tell you that.

Derek Chauvin didn't commit suicide

Sorry, just practicing

(Work in progress)What do you call a bunch of ravens pretending to be crows?

A conspiracy to commit murder!

I was trying to impress this girl...

She said: I like guys who are committed...

I said: I wanna commit suicide

I once meet a girl on a hook-up app. She was really into daddy daughter roleplay.

We did it, then I never spoke to her again. Since her dad left her, I thought I'd just commit to the role.

a beautiful woman is on the ledge of a bridge about to commit suicide

a homeless man walks by her and says
"what are you doing?"

she says "im going to jump!"

the homeless man says
"if youre going to kill yourself, do you wanna have sex with me first?"

the woman replies "no way creep! never that!"

the homeless man doesn't seem bothered and says

"thats fine, I'll just wait til you're at the bottom"

My mother would tell me to always act responsibly.

Which is a great way to get arrested for a crime you didn't commit

A student was standing at the edge of the roof of his school and was about jump off and commit suicide.

Suddenly from the school grounds his physics teacher yells to him, "Don't jump, you've got lots of potential!"

My wife said to me If I ever get

Alzheimers I would commit suicide rather than burdening you with me"

I said "Thats the fifth time you've said that today"

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the commit undertake jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working commit genocide piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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