Commit Jokes
125 commit jokes and hilarious commit puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about commit that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Belly laugh to some of the most hilarious git commit jokes. Learn why commiting a sin is like Kermitted the crime or why a merge conflict is not cause for alarm. Join us as we uncover these and more witty and entertaining git commit jokes.
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Funniest Commit Short Jokes
Short commit jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The commit humour may include short execute jokes also.
- Studies say most stabbings are committed by someone close to the victim. Within arm's length, to be specific.
- The nfl has hired their first female referee. She will throw the flag for penalties the team committed 5 years ago.
- A judge asked Shakira if she commited tax fraud. Shakira: "Of course not your Honor."
Shakiras Hips:"Of course we did your Honor." - A friend told me he doesn't let his kids watch orchestra performances cuz there's too much sax and violins. I told him puns make me wanna commit violins.
- The difference between being Involved vs. Committed Take a Bacon, Egg, and Cheese sandwich. The chicken and the cow are involved, but the pig is committed.
- Why did the husband go to jail for a crime his wife committed? Because they finish each other's sentences
- What was the deck of playing cards sentenced to after committing a felony? Solitaire confinement.
- Did you hear about the string of bank robberies committed by a guy dressed up like Jesus? The cops finally nailed him.
- What crime is committed when you drink a glass of ice water, but use your lips to keep the ice from leaving the glass, only to let the water through? Obstruction of just ice.
- My friends' girlfriend gets diagnosed with cancer.. He proposed to her on the spot. See ladies, it's not that men can't be spontaneous and romantic, we just don't like long term commitment
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Commit One Liners
Which commit one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with commit? I can suggest the ones about submission and approve.
- What do you call a billionaire who commits crimes after sunset? Felon Dusk.
- Why was the mime arrested? He committed an unspeakable crime
- I found a useful website for people with commitment issues. But I didn't want to sign up.
- What do you call a woman that tries to force you into commitment? A booby trap
- Why didn't the drummer commit the crime? He couldn't handle the repercussions.
- Eggs and bacon A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime's commitment for a pig.
- What drove the conductor to commit his heinous crimes? His loco motives.
- What happens when a battery commits a crime? They get charged
- How do you end a prayer to the noodle God? Ramen.
- My mexican friend commited a robbery and got away. Now he's Juanted
- Why couldn't the priest make it to the party? He had friar commitments.
- What does Joker do when he's not plotting or committing evil crimes? He rides his Harley.
- What criminal offense do college students commit the least? Resisting a rest.
- I hate it when people shorten words for no reason. It makes me want to commit murds.
- My wife says I'm not committed enough. But I flew 9,256 miles just to be away from her.
Commit Adultery Jokes
Here is a list of funny commit adultery jokes and even better commit adultery puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did Roy Moore go for underage girls? He didn't want to commit *adult*ery.
- Where can you find information about raisins that commit adultery? Currant Affairs
Git Commit Jokes
Here is a list of funny git commit jokes and even better git commit puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Girls who say I can't commit... ...obviously haven't seem my Git repositories.
- Making jokes about Git is not easy You have to really commit and push.
- Why don't bachelors use git? They don't like committing.
Amusing & Witty Commit Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun
What funny jokes about commit you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean intent jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make commit pranks.
In the bad old days on the Soviet Union,
a dissident published a pamphlet in which he openly said Stalin was a fool. Sure enough, the man was arrested days later for this crime. So, the dissident went to court and said "I'm innocent and want to defend myself! What I said was truthful - I did not commit libel!" The judge said to him "you don't understand - you're not being charged for libel, you're being charged with revealing a state secret."
-heard on an Intelligence Squared debate.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit s**... yesterday....
But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, f**... it, soldier on!
I failed my Japanese final
My only option at this point is to commit sudoku...
What did the commitment averse monster truck announcer say to his girlfriend when she asked him, "When are you going to finally ask me to marry you?"
###SOMEDAY
###SOMEDAY!
###SOMEDAY!!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Men are four times more likely than women to commit s**..., even though women attempt it more.
So men are better at it!
\- George Carlin
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Psychiatrist is sitting in his office...
When his secretary comes in and says "Sir, there's a man here to see you who thinks he's a flock of crows. If you ask me we should just send him to the loony bin and be done with it."
And the psychiatrist replied "Doris! Are you asking me to commit a m**...!?"
What would be one of the worst crimes to commit if you were a sheep living in the medieval times?
Muttiny
What's the most casual crime you can commit?
Shooting the breeze.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between American girls and Middle Eastern girls?
American girls get s**... BEFORE they commit adultery.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What happened to the man who sent a group of crows to the insane asylum?
He went to jail because he commit a m**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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If I committed s**..., I'd do it in front of a mirror...
I'll see myself out.
You know it's love when
you let her commit to your source tree without reviewing her code.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Why is a fencing sword more likely to commit s**... assault
because its a bit rapier.
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If someone with multiple personalities threatens to commit s**......
is it a hostage situation?
A committee has narrowed the search for a name for the newly hypothesised 9th planet.
It's between Urpenis and Urvagina.
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I almost committed s**... last night
I'll never do that again. I almost killed myself.
God went to a Frenchman
He said 'I've got some commandments, do you want some?'
'What are they like?' The Frenchman replied
'Thou shall not commit adultery' Answered God
'I don't think so...' Slurred the Frenchman, so God went to a German and asked if he wanted any.
'What are they like?' The German questioned
'Thou shall not kill' God replied
'Hmmm, perhaps not' The German sighed, so God went to an Italian, offering him some commandments
'What are they like?' The Italian inquired
'Thou shall not steal' Answered God
'Perhaps not' The Italian replied. So God went to a Jew and offered him some commandments
'How much are they?' The Jew asked
'They're free' God answered
'I'll take ten' Said the Jew
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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What do you tell a person who is about to jump off a bridge and commit s**...
"Don't do it! You have so much potential"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the man commit s**... by helium suffocation?
He wanted to go out on a high note.
What do you call a scam artist who uses his vocabulary to commit crimes?
A LexiCon
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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What do you call ravens trying to marry crows.
Conspiracy to commit m**....
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Why can't Chinese emperors commit m**...?
Because it's irregal
What crime did the tree commit to be put in tree jail?
Treeson
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Don't commit s**...!
It's i**... to destroy government property.
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I'd like to commit s**... to get rid of my indecisiveness
but I don't wanna jump into conclusions.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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I tried committing s**... once...
never doing that again, I almost killed myself.
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If ever I commit m**..., I'm doing it with Indian flatbread.
Naan violent crimes get shorter sentences in respect for their counterparts.
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Q: What is the difference between a Protestant woman and a Muslim woman?
A: Protestant woman gets s**... before they commit adultery.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Why did the Russian official commit s**...?
He was so distraught about disappointing Vladimir Putin that he shot himself in the back of the head, twice.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A psychoanalyst says he thinks he is going crazy
Another psychoanalyst thinks to himself "Im aFreud he is going to commit s**.... He is too Jung to die"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Girl about to jump of a bridge.....
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, What are you doing?
I'm going to commit s**..., she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity. He asked Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a b**...? So, she does and it was a long, deep and slow b**....
After she's finished, the biker says, Wow! That was the best b**... I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing s**...?
My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl.....
Why is it ok for an ice company to commit a fraud?
Because... their assets are already frozen.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Whats the best way to commit s**...?
High explosives. Even if no one remembers you, you will be mist.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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What is a surefire way to make sure your friend doesn't commit s**...?
Shoot him
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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I've been waiting to get a book on how to commit s**... from the library...
...but the last guy hasn't brought it back yet.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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I found my friend trying to commit s**... in the basement
I told him to hang in there while I call an ambulance
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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My girlfriend and I planned to commit s**... together...
... But once she killed herself, things started looking a lot more positive.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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A Muslim is about to commit s**... when a Catholic priest stops him
"What are you doing?!" Exclaims the priest
"There is nothing on this Earth for me." The Muslim says "I will commit s**... to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"
The priest shakes his head
"Foolish Muslim, s**... is not the way!" He says
"Follow me, Ill take you to the local primary school."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I once Googled, "How to commit m**... and get away with it"...
The first result was, "Don't Google how to commit m**... and get away with it."
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An old lady, after a long life of loss and agony, was going to commit s**... by shooting herself in the heart with a crossbow. She researched human anatomy and learned her heart was just under her left breast.....
She was just admitted to the ER with an arrow to the knee.
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The jumper ....
A Truck driver sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.
"What are you doing?" he says.
"I'm trying to commit s**...," she says.
s**... driver says with sly grin "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a b**...."
So, she does.
After she's finished, the trucker says, "Wow! That's a wasted talent. Why are you committing s**...?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl....."
The police asked me if I would take a lie detector...
I said yes and now I've been charged with conspiracy to commit theft.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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How do you make a walrus commit s**...?
Point at its chest and say 'What's that?'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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How do mathematicians commit s**...?
They hang themselves with a hypotenoose
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Don't commit s**... kids
Your parents will ground you forever
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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If trans people are prone to commit s**... and they join the air-force...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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A man wanted to commit s**...
But he hesitated and called the s**... prevention hotline.
s**... prevention: Hello?
Man: I'm so tired of life. I just want to end it all... please, what do I do?
s**... prevention: I know life can be tough... but just hang in there!
*a few minutes pass*
s**... prevention: Hello?
"Doctor, my brother is crazy. He thinks he is a chicken."
"Well, why don't you commit him to a mental asylum?"
"I would, but I need the eggs."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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An old woman falls asleep in church
The priest asks, "How many of you commit adultery? Those who do, stand up." Just then the old lady wakes up and asks her son-in-law, "What did he say?" The son-in-law wants to play a prank and answers "Those who take Tic Tacs have to stand up." The woman, who takes the pills by boxes, stands up. Everyone gasps, and the priest asks, "How could you, at your age?"
"Just because I've got no teeth doesn't mean I can't s**... 'em!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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How did the man with no arms commit s**...?
We'll never know - he didn't leave a note.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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How do Russians commit s**...?
With two bullets to the back of the head.
Criminals are called criminals because...
if they can commit a crime without being caught most of the time, they would be called Politicians.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Australian man is walking across Sydney Harbour Bridge when he sees his ex-girlfriend standing on the railings ...
An Australian man is walking across Sydney Harbour Bridge when he sees his ex\-girlfriend standing on the railings, about to commit s**.... He apporaches her and asks:
\- Hey Sheila, what's the matter?
Tears in here eyes, she says:
\- I'm pregnant Bruce, and it's your baby!
To which Bruce replies:
\- Woah Sheila, not only are you brilliant in bed \- you're also a great sport!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Why did the boulder commit s**...?
He hit rock bottom.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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How do you know a blonde has been trying to commit s**...?
There are bullet holes in the mirror.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Hitlers s**...
One jewish man tells a joke to a woman, so he says:
"Why did h**... commit s**...?"
She said: "I don't know."
he replies:".... He saw the gas bill."
Then she said:"That's horrible! How could you say that!"
And he replies: "I'm sorry, I really shouldn't be joking about the holocaust. My great grandfather died in concentration camp."
The girl replies: "I'm so sorry to hear that."
And he says: "Yeah, it's sad, he fell off the guard tower."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the guy that kept trying to commit s**...?
I think he was learning the ropes, but couldn't get the hang of it...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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A man was about to commit s**...
He then says to God...
"You can't fire me, I quit"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did math commit s**...?
Because it had too many problems
Why are cat pirates so untrustworthy?
They tend to commit mewtiny
A man with terminal cancer robbed a bank and was sent to prison.
A fellow inmate asked him, "Why did you commit this crime? You can't take money with you into the afterlife, and now you're going to spend your last days in prison!"
The man replied, "I knew I was going to get caught. That's the point! My doctor gave me six months, but the judge gave me thirty years."
Why was Walter able to commit so much crime for so long on Breaking Bad without getting caught?
White privilege.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What type of crime do monks commit?
Premeditated m**...
Where are owls that commit crimes sent as punishment?
Owlcatraz
A father decides to commit a crime
But before he can do it he must get a disguise, so he heads on down to a halloween shop and buys a pirate disguise.
Now that he has a disguise he went to go commit the crime. After the crime was done he escaped home, but as he was removing said disguise his son walked in
Father you look like he person who committed a crime today, did you? And what crime did you commit?
Arr son
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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How does a snail commit s**...?
He looks into the socket.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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No more Polish jokes folks.
All these Polish jokes here are very hurtful. Yesterday my friend who is Polish had read enough and tried to commit s**... by jumping out his basement window.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Idk if this one's been said but here you go. A man goes to the library and askes for a book about the best way to commit s**...
The librarian says frick off I know your not gonna return it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A m**... attempted to commit s**......
... they failed to find the edge of the Earth.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Did you hear about the man who tried to commit s**... by taking 500 painkillers?
After taking 2 he said he felt better.
*\[Thank you Benny Hill\]*
Did you know dolphins commit infanticide?
They do it on porpoise.
Smart criminals
Dumb criminals commit violent crimes that don't pay too well.
Smart criminals commit white collar crimes.
Really smart criminals become politicians.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The doctor told him some bad news.
A few years ago a friend of mine tried to commit s**..., he had gone to the doctor for test results and found out he was dyslexic he was so upset he went outside and jumped behind a bus.
What is a Pirate's favorite crime to commit?
ARR-son!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the doctor diagnose?
A man went to the doctor and said that he wanted to commit s**....
The doctor, visibly surprised, asked, "why?"
The man said, "When I touch my finger to my body, it hurts. When I touch it to my head, it hurts. When I touch to my feet it hurts. What will I do living with so much pain?"
After a lot of investigation, the doctor diagnosed, that the man actually had a fractured finger.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If you commit a 1st degree m**... in Canada
is it a 34 degree m**... in the US?
