Commit Jokes

Following is our collection of crime puns and dedicate one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Commit jokes for adults, dirty conviction jokes and clean murder dad gags for kids.

The Best Commit Puns

How do you know a blonde has been trying to commit suicide?

There are bullet holes in the mirror.

What's the difference between American girls and Middle Eastern girls?

American girls get stoned BEFORE they commit adultery.

My girlfriend and I planned to commit suicide together...

... But once she killed herself, things started looking a lot more positive.

An old lady was tired of her hard life and wanted to commit suicide.

She decided the best way to die was to shoot herself through the heart, but she doesn't know where the heart is. So she called her doctor and asked.

The doctor told her the heart is located 2 inches below the left nipple.

The old lady hung up and shot herself in her knee.

How do you make a walrus commit suicide?

Point at its chest and say 'What's that?'


A guest calls the front desk of a hotel:

and says my wife wants to commit suicide by jumping out of the window.

The receptionist: sir, this is a private matter. Please call the cops.


Guest: no. i need a maintenance guy. Your window doesnt open.

A Muslim is about to commit suicide when a Catholic priest stops him

"What are you doing?!" Exclaims the priest

"There is nothing on this Earth for me." The Muslim says "I will commit suicide to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"

The priest shakes his head

"Foolish Muslim, suicide is not the way!" He says

"Follow me, Ill take you to the local primary school."

A blonde tried to commit suicide

Police found six bullet holes in her mirror.

How do Russians commit suicide?

With two bullets to the back of the head.

An old woman wants to commit suicide...

...by shooting herself in the heart, but she doesn't really know where the heart is.

She goes to the local doctor and asks;

"Doctor, can you please tell me where the heart is?"

"Oh, it's just below your left breast."

So the old woman walked home and shot herself in the knee.

if you commit a crime 90 times,

if you commit a crime 90 times, you'll only get caught 45 times
.
.
.
.
because sin90=cot45


Why did the fisherman commit suicide when the last dolphin died?

Because his life had no porpoise.

I was going to commit seppuku the other day.

But I didn't have the guts to go through with it.

If you commit 90 sins, u will get caught 45 times. Why?

Because Sin 90 = Cot 45!

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday....

But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Fuck it, soldier on!”

How do Putin opponents commit suicide?

Two bullets to the back of the head.

I think Americans are right to worry about immigrants

Because they might commit a mass shooting just to fit in with the culture.

Why did the French chef commit suicide?

he lost his huile d'olive

If you commit a 1st degree murder in Canada

is it a 34 degree murder in the US?


A Psychiatrist is sitting in his office...

When his secretary comes in and says "Sir, there's a man here to see you who thinks he's a flock of crows. If you ask me we should just send him to the loony bin and be done with it."

And the psychiatrist replied "Doris! Are you asking me to commit a murder!?"

Why did the chicken commit suicide?

To get to the other side.

A homeless vagabond approaches a woman, who is about to commit suicide from by throwing her self from the rooftop.

Vagabond says
- excuse me, lady. I know you are very depressed. But you know... eh... I've never been with a woman, can you sleep with me, your going to kill your self anyway...
Woman replies
-what, are you crazy!
To what he answers
-fine, I'll wait downstairs!

A grandmother goes to the doctor

A grandmother goes to the doctor and asks: "Where is the heart?"
The doctor answers: "2 centimetres below the nipples"
Next day in the newspaper: "Woman tries to commit suicide and shoots herself in the knee"

Hitlers suicide

One jewish man tells a joke to a woman, so he says:
"Why did hitler commit suicide?"
She said: "I don't know."
he replies:".... He saw the gas bill."
Then she said:"That's horrible! How could you say that!"
And he replies: "I'm sorry, I really shouldn't be joking about the holocaust. My great grandfather died in concentration camp."
The girl replies: "I'm so sorry to hear that."
And he says: "Yeah, it's sad, he fell off the guard tower."

A man is charged with first-degree murder and is on the stand, being questioned by the prosecution.

Did you commit the crime?

No sir, I did not.

I remind you that you are under oath. Do you know the penalty for perjury?

Yes sir, and it's a darn sight less than the penalty for murder.

I called Suicide Helpline,they didn't help me commit suicide

They left me hanging

A man is standing on the top of a tall building about to commit suicide...

...when a physicist at the bottom shouts up, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

Library suicide

A man goes to the library and asks if they have a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian says "Yeh, I think we do, it should be at the back row on the top shelf".
The man goes and looks, even climbs a ladder to look at the top but still can't find it.
"Still no luck" says the man.
The librarian replies "Oh, the last person who borrowed it mustn't have brought it back"

Why did Hitler commit suicide?

He received the gas bill.

(DARK) Where does a suicide bomber go after they commit their crime

Everywhere

Girl about to jump of a bridge.....

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, What are you doing?

I'm going to commit suicide, she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity. He asked Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a blow job? So, she does and it was a long, deep and slow blow job.

After she's finished, the biker says, Wow! That was the best blow job I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?

My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl.....

God went to a Frenchman

He said 'I've got some commandments, do you want some?'

'What are they like?' The Frenchman replied

'Thou shall not commit adultery' Answered God

'I don't think so...' Slurred the Frenchman, so God went to a German and asked if he wanted any.

'What are they like?' The German questioned

'Thou shall not kill' God replied

'Hmmm, perhaps not' The German sighed, so God went to an Italian, offering him some commandments

'What are they like?' The Italian inquired

'Thou shall not steal' Answered God

'Perhaps not' The Italian replied. So God went to a Jew and offered him some commandments

'How much are they?' The Jew asked

'They're free' God answered

'I'll take ten' Said the Jew

If ever I commit murder, I'm doing it with Indian flatbread.

Naan violent crimes get shorter sentences in respect for their counterparts.

An old woman falls asleep in church

The priest asks, "How many of you commit adultery? Those who do, stand up." Just then the old lady wakes up and asks her son-in-law, "What did he say?" The son-in-law wants to play a prank and answers "Those who take Tic Tacs have to stand up." The woman, who takes the pills by boxes, stands up. Everyone gasps, and the priest asks, "How could you, at your age?"

"Just because I've got no teeth doesn't mean I can't suck 'em!"

Islamic terrorists makes no sense . Commit suicide and might get 72 virgins ?

Become a Catholic priest and get them now

If you commit 90 sins, you will only be caught half the time.

Because sin 90 = cot 45

Why didn't the drummer commit the crime?

He couldn't handle the repercussions.

How did the man with no arms commit suicide?

We'll never know - he didn't leave a note.

Don't commit suicide!

It's illegal to destroy government property.

The jumper ....

A Truck driver sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.
"What are you doing?" he says.
"I'm trying to commit suicide," she says.
Sleazy driver says with sly grin "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a blow job."
So, she does.
After she's finished, the trucker says, "Wow! That's a wasted talent. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl....."

I once Googled, "How to commit murder and get away with it"...

The first result was, "Don't Google how to commit murder and get away with it."

A moron attempted to commit suicide...

... they failed to find the edge of the Earth.

What drove the conductor to commit his heinous crimes?

His loco motives.

An old lady, after a long life of loss and agony, was going to commit suicide by shooting herself in the heart with a crossbow. She researched human anatomy and learned her heart was just under her left breast.....

She was just admitted to the ER with an arrow to the knee.

"Doctor, my brother is crazy. He thinks he is a chicken."

"Well, why don't you commit him to a mental asylum?"

"I would, but I need the eggs."

People can be so easy to read...

...like if their face is red, they're embarrassed. Or if their skin is brown, they're about to commit a crime.

Why is it ok for an ice company to commit a fraud?

Because... their assets are already frozen.

The doctor told him some bad news.

A few years ago a friend of mine tried to commit suicide, he had gone to the doctor for test results and found out he was dyslexic he was so upset he went outside and jumped behind a bus.

The police asked me if I would take a lie detector...

I said yes and now I've been charged with conspiracy to commit theft.

Why is it that when you commit crimes 90 times you will only get caught 45 times ?

Because sin 90 = cot 45

What criminal offense do college students commit the least?

Resisting a rest.

What did the doctor diagnose?

A man went to the doctor and said that he wanted to commit suicide.

The doctor, visibly surprised, asked, "why?"

The man said, "When I touch my finger to my body, it hurts. When I touch it to my head, it hurts. When I touch to my feet it hurts. What will I do living with so much pain?"

After a lot of investigation, the doctor diagnosed, that the man actually had a fractured finger.

After both suffering from depression, my wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday.

But once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better.

Q: What is the difference between a Protestant woman and a Muslim woman?

A: Protestant woman gets stoned before they commit adultery.

In the bad old days on the Soviet Union,

a dissident published a pamphlet in which he openly said Stalin was a fool. Sure enough, the man was arrested days later for this crime. So, the dissident went to court and said "I'm innocent and want to defend myself! What I said was truthful - I did not commit libel!" The judge said to him "you don't understand - you're not being charged for libel, you're being charged with revealing a state secret."

-heard on an Intelligence Squared debate.

Why is a fencing sword more likely to commit sexual assault

because its a bit rapier.

What did the commitment averse monster truck announcer say to his girlfriend when she asked him, "When are you going to finally ask me to marry you?"

###SOMEDAY
###SOMEDAY!
###SOMEDAY!!

How do mathematicians commit suicide?

They hang themselves with a hypotenoose

What is a surefire way to make sure your friend doesn't commit suicide?

Shoot him

Why did the man commit suicide by helium suffocation?

He wanted to go out on a high note.

Why did the boulder commit suicide?

He hit rock bottom.

Why did Roy Moore go for underage girls?

He didn't want to commit *adult*ery.

Did you hear about the man who tried to commit suicide by taking 500 painkillers?

After taking 2 he said he felt better.

*\[Thank you Benny Hill\]*

Why did math commit suicide?

Because it had too many problems

Girls who say I can't commit...

...obviously haven't seem my Git repositories.

Did you hear about the guy that kept trying to commit suicide?

I think he was learning the ropes, but couldn't get the hang of it...

Why can't Chinese emperors commit murder?

Because it's irregal

What type of crime do monks commit?

Premeditated murder

So the media say GTA V will cause players to commit crime.

Bullshit, I've got the Coronation Street board game and I'm not a pedophile.

What do you call ravens trying to marry crows.

Conspiracy to commit murder.

If I ever commit a murder, I'm doing it with Indian flatbread.

Naan violent crimes almost never merit life sentences.

How does Stephen Hawking commit suicide?

Alt-F4

If you commit 90 sins, you would be caught half the time.

Because sin90 = cot45

I failed my Japanese final

My only option at this point is to commit sudoku...

What is a Pirate's favorite crime to commit?

ARR-son!

Idk if this one's been said but here you go. A man goes to the library and askes for a book about the best way to commit suicide

The librarian says frick off I know your not gonna return it.

No more Polish jokes folks.

All these Polish jokes here are very hurtful. Yesterday my friend who is Polish had read enough and tried to commit suicide by jumping out his basement window.

A committee has narrowed the search for a name for the newly hypothesised 9th planet.

It's between Urpenis and Urvagina.

What crime did the Energiser Bunny commit?

Battery

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to commit suicide...

is it a hostage situation?

Why are cat pirates so untrustworthy?

They tend to commit mewtiny

Criminals are called criminals because...

if they can commit a crime without being caught most of the time, they would be called Politicians.

There is an abundance of undertake jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 82 funniest jokes and commit puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any genocide witze you can hear about commit.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes