Following is our collection of crime puns and dedicate one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Commit jokes for adults, dirty conviction jokes and clean murder dad gags for kids.
There are bullet holes in the mirror.
American girls get stoned BEFORE they commit adultery.
... But once she killed herself, things started looking a lot more positive.
She decided the best way to die was to shoot herself through the heart, but she doesn't know where the heart is. So she called her doctor and asked.
The doctor told her the heart is located 2 inches below the left nipple.
The old lady hung up and shot herself in her knee.
Point at its chest and say 'What's that?'
and says my wife wants to commit suicide by jumping out of the window.
The receptionist: sir, this is a private matter. Please call the cops.
Guest: no. i need a maintenance guy. Your window doesnt open.
"What are you doing?!" Exclaims the priest
"There is nothing on this Earth for me." The Muslim says "I will commit suicide to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"
The priest shakes his head
"Foolish Muslim, suicide is not the way!" He says
"Follow me, Ill take you to the local primary school."
Police found six bullet holes in her mirror.
With two bullets to the back of the head.
...by shooting herself in the heart, but she doesn't really know where the heart is.
She goes to the local doctor and asks;
"Doctor, can you please tell me where the heart is?"
"Oh, it's just below your left breast."
So the old woman walked home and shot herself in the knee.
if you commit a crime 90 times, you'll only get caught 45 times
.
.
.
.
because sin90=cot45
Because his life had no porpoise.
But I didn't have the guts to go through with it.
Because Sin 90 = Cot 45!
But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, Fuck it, soldier on!
Two bullets to the back of the head.
Because they might commit a mass shooting just to fit in with the culture.
he lost his huile d'olive
is it a 34 degree murder in the US?
When his secretary comes in and says "Sir, there's a man here to see you who thinks he's a flock of crows. If you ask me we should just send him to the loony bin and be done with it."
And the psychiatrist replied "Doris! Are you asking me to commit a murder!?"
To get to the other side.
Vagabond says
- excuse me, lady. I know you are very depressed. But you know... eh... I've never been with a woman, can you sleep with me, your going to kill your self anyway...
Woman replies
-what, are you crazy!
To what he answers
-fine, I'll wait downstairs!
A grandmother goes to the doctor and asks: "Where is the heart?"
The doctor answers: "2 centimetres below the nipples"
Next day in the newspaper: "Woman tries to commit suicide and shoots herself in the knee"
One jewish man tells a joke to a woman, so he says:
"Why did hitler commit suicide?"
She said: "I don't know."
he replies:".... He saw the gas bill."
Then she said:"That's horrible! How could you say that!"
And he replies: "I'm sorry, I really shouldn't be joking about the holocaust. My great grandfather died in concentration camp."
The girl replies: "I'm so sorry to hear that."
And he says: "Yeah, it's sad, he fell off the guard tower."
Did you commit the crime?
No sir, I did not.
I remind you that you are under oath. Do you know the penalty for perjury?
Yes sir, and it's a darn sight less than the penalty for murder.
They left me hanging
...when a physicist at the bottom shouts up, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
A man goes to the library and asks if they have a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian says "Yeh, I think we do, it should be at the back row on the top shelf".
The man goes and looks, even climbs a ladder to look at the top but still can't find it.
"Still no luck" says the man.
The librarian replies "Oh, the last person who borrowed it mustn't have brought it back"
He received the gas bill.
Everywhere
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, What are you doing?
I'm going to commit suicide, she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity. He asked Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a blow job? So, she does and it was a long, deep and slow blow job.
After she's finished, the biker says, Wow! That was the best blow job I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?
My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl.....
He said 'I've got some commandments, do you want some?'
'What are they like?' The Frenchman replied
'Thou shall not commit adultery' Answered God
'I don't think so...' Slurred the Frenchman, so God went to a German and asked if he wanted any.
'What are they like?' The German questioned
'Thou shall not kill' God replied
'Hmmm, perhaps not' The German sighed, so God went to an Italian, offering him some commandments
'What are they like?' The Italian inquired
'Thou shall not steal' Answered God
'Perhaps not' The Italian replied. So God went to a Jew and offered him some commandments
'How much are they?' The Jew asked
'They're free' God answered
'I'll take ten' Said the Jew
Naan violent crimes get shorter sentences in respect for their counterparts.
The priest asks, "How many of you commit adultery? Those who do, stand up." Just then the old lady wakes up and asks her son-in-law, "What did he say?" The son-in-law wants to play a prank and answers "Those who take Tic Tacs have to stand up." The woman, who takes the pills by boxes, stands up. Everyone gasps, and the priest asks, "How could you, at your age?"
"Just because I've got no teeth doesn't mean I can't suck 'em!"
Become a Catholic priest and get them now
Because sin 90 = cot 45
He couldn't handle the repercussions.
We'll never know - he didn't leave a note.
It's illegal to destroy government property.
A Truck driver sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.
"What are you doing?" he says.
"I'm trying to commit suicide," she says.
Sleazy driver says with sly grin "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a blow job."
So, she does.
After she's finished, the trucker says, "Wow! That's a wasted talent. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl....."
The first result was, "Don't Google how to commit murder and get away with it."
... they failed to find the edge of the Earth.
His loco motives.
She was just admitted to the ER with an arrow to the knee.
"Well, why don't you commit him to a mental asylum?"
"I would, but I need the eggs."
...like if their face is red, they're embarrassed. Or if their skin is brown, they're about to commit a crime.
Because... their assets are already frozen.
A few years ago a friend of mine tried to commit suicide, he had gone to the doctor for test results and found out he was dyslexic he was so upset he went outside and jumped behind a bus.
I said yes and now I've been charged with conspiracy to commit theft.
Because sin 90 = cot 45
Resisting a rest.
A man went to the doctor and said that he wanted to commit suicide.
The doctor, visibly surprised, asked, "why?"
The man said, "When I touch my finger to my body, it hurts. When I touch it to my head, it hurts. When I touch to my feet it hurts. What will I do living with so much pain?"
After a lot of investigation, the doctor diagnosed, that the man actually had a fractured finger.
But once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better.
A: Protestant woman gets stoned before they commit adultery.
a dissident published a pamphlet in which he openly said Stalin was a fool. Sure enough, the man was arrested days later for this crime. So, the dissident went to court and said "I'm innocent and want to defend myself! What I said was truthful - I did not commit libel!" The judge said to him "you don't understand - you're not being charged for libel, you're being charged with revealing a state secret."
-heard on an Intelligence Squared debate.
because its a bit rapier.
###SOMEDAY
###SOMEDAY!
###SOMEDAY!!
They hang themselves with a hypotenoose
Shoot him
He wanted to go out on a high note.
He hit rock bottom.
He didn't want to commit *adult*ery.
After taking 2 he said he felt better.
*\[Thank you Benny Hill\]*
Because it had too many problems
...obviously haven't seem my Git repositories.
I think he was learning the ropes, but couldn't get the hang of it...
Because it's irregal
Premeditated murder
Bullshit, I've got the Coronation Street board game and I'm not a pedophile.
Conspiracy to commit murder.
Naan violent crimes almost never merit life sentences.
Alt-F4
Because sin90 = cot45
My only option at this point is to commit sudoku...
ARR-son!
The librarian says frick off I know your not gonna return it.
All these Polish jokes here are very hurtful. Yesterday my friend who is Polish had read enough and tried to commit suicide by jumping out his basement window.
It's between Urpenis and Urvagina.
Battery
is it a hostage situation?
They tend to commit mewtiny
if they can commit a crime without being caught most of the time, they would be called Politicians.
There is an abundance of undertake jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 82 funniest jokes and commit puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any genocide witze you can hear about commit.
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.