Commit Adultery Jokes
34 commit adultery jokes and hilarious commit adultery puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about commit adultery that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Amusing & Witty Commit Adultery Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun
What is a good commit adultery joke to make people laugh? Check out this list of funny stories that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between American girls and Middle Eastern girls?
American girls get s**... BEFORE they commit adultery.
A pastor discovered his bicycle had been stolen
He decided to use it as inspiration for that week's sermon, and began writing on the Ten Commandments, especially thou shalt not steal
Then he got to thou shalt not commit adultery and remembered where he left his bike.
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse:
You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
the case for the lost bicycle
A Methodist preacher and a Baptist preacher live in a small southern town. Every day, they pass each other on their bycycles as they ride to their respective churches. One day, the Methodist notices the Baptist walking.
He says "Brother, where is your bicycle?"
"My heart is heavy, for I fear that a member of my congregation has stolen it" replied the Baptist.
"That's horrible." Thinking for a moment, the Methodist has an idea. "I know how we might get your bike back. This Sunday, you should preach the ten commandments. When you get to thou shalt not steal, really bear down on it. Maybe the theif will feel guilty and return your bike."
"That's a great idea, I'll try it!"
Sure enough, the following Monday, the Methodist preacher sees the Baptist Preacher riding his bike.
"I see my plan worked" said the Methodist.
"Well, not exactly" replied the Baptist. "I did like you said, and gave a real fire and brimstone sermon on the ten commandments. However, when I got to thou shalt no commit adultery, I remembered where I left my bike."
God went to a Frenchman
He said 'I've got some commandments, do you want some?'
'What are they like?' The Frenchman replied
'Thou shall not commit adultery' Answered God
'I don't think so...' Slurred the Frenchman, so God went to a German and asked if he wanted any.
'What are they like?' The German questioned
'Thou shall not kill' God replied
'Hmmm, perhaps not' The German sighed, so God went to an Italian, offering him some commandments
'What are they like?' The Italian inquired
'Thou shall not steal' Answered God
'Perhaps not' The Italian replied. So God went to a Jew and offered him some commandments
'How much are they?' The Jew asked
'They're free' God answered
'I'll take ten' Said the Jew
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old woman falls asleep in church
The priest asks, "How many of you commit adultery? Those who do, stand up." Just then the old lady wakes up and asks her son-in-law, "What did he say?" The son-in-law wants to play a prank and answers "Those who take Tic Tacs have to stand up." The woman, who takes the pills by boxes, stands up. Everyone gasps, and the priest asks, "How could you, at your age?"
"Just because I've got no teeth doesn't mean I can't s**... 'em!"
Adultery
There were three guys that died and went to heaven.
The first went up and then God said, "You have committed adultery so you shall own a bike."
The second guy comes up and God says, "You have almost committed adultery so you shall own a motorcycle."
The third guy goes up and then God says, "You have only thought about adultery so you shall get a Porsche!"
The first guy comes up to the man in the Porsche and starts Laughing and the man in the Porsche asks, "Why are you laughing? You only got a bike!"
The guy on the bike says, "I just saw your wife on a skateboard!"
Cast the first stone...
Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.
"This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.
"Wait," yelled Jesus, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."
Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head.
"Aw, c'mon, Dad...," Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Q: What is the difference between a Protestant woman and a Muslim woman?
A: Protestant woman gets s**... before they commit adultery.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A little old lady is late for work
And settles into a pew at the back just as the priest is saying "And anyone who has recently committed adultery should stand up." Being somewhat hard of hearing, she asks the boy next to her to repeat what the priest just said. "He asked everyone who wants a mint to stand up." The boy replied mischievously.
The old lady unsteadily gets to her feet, much to the priest's horror. "At your age?" He exclaims, "You should be ashamed!" The old lady swiftly retorts "Just because I don't have any teeth left doesn't mean I can't s**... on something from time to time!"
Why did Roy Moore go for underage girls?
He didn't want to commit *adult*ery.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between a Muslim woman and an American one?
An American woman gets s**... *before* she commits adultery.
Where can you find information about raisins that commit adultery?
Currant Affairs
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between a Western girl and an Arab girl?
The Western girl gets s**... **before** she commits adultery.
An angel goes to give humanity the Commandments.
The angel goes to the French and says, "Excuse me. I have some Commandments. Would you like them?" The French ask for an example and the angel replies, "Thou shall not commit adultery." The French tell the angel they aren't interested.
The angel goes to the Germans and says, "Excuse me. I have some Commandments. Would you like them?" The Germans ask for an example and the angel replies, "Thou shalt not kill." The Germans tell the angel they aren't interested.
The angel goes to the Italians and says, "Excuse me. I have some Commandments. Would you like them?" The Italians ask for an example and the angel replies, "Thou shall not steal." The Italians tell the angel they aren't interested.
Desperate, the angel goes to the Jews and says, "Please. I'm trying to get rid of these Commandments. Would you like them?" The Jews ask how much they are and the angel replies, "Absolutely free!" to which the Jews reply "We'll take 10!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the constipated fish do after commiting adultery?
She made a bass-t**....
A man is angry because he has it in his head that someone stole his wallet.
He walks into a church to steal someone else's wallet, but he has a change of heart during the service. He confesses to the priest afterwards about what his intentions had initially been. The priest asks, "What made you change your mind?" The man says, "In your sermon on the Ten Commandments when you got to 'Thou shall not commit adultery,' I remembered where I left my wallet!"
A man and a priest are sitting next to each other at a bar.
A waitress walks up to the man and say,
"can I get you anything to drink". The man replies,
"I've had a long week, my wife's been screaming at me for days and need a pick me up, give me the strongest thing you've got".
Then the waitress turns to the priest and asks him the same thing. Horrified at the concept of consuming alcohol, the priest says,
"I would rather commit adultery than drink a single drop of booze!!!"
Hearing this, the man turns back around and says, "Excuse me miss, I didn't know we had a choice".
God is trying to find someone to give his commandments to.
He goes to the French and says "I have these commandments"
The French ask, "What do they say?"
God replies, "Well there's one here, 'Do not commit adultery'."
The French say, "We are not interested, go away."
So God goes to the Germans and says "I have these commandments"
The Germans ask, "What do they say?"
God replies, "Well there's one here, 'Do not kill'."
The Germans say, "I don't think so."
So God goes to the Jews and says "I have these commandments"
The Jews ask, "How much are they?"
God replies, "They're free!"
The Jews reply, "We'll take ten."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An 85 year old man goes into a confessional...
An 85 year old man goes into a confessional. He said "Forgive me father but I have sinned".
The priest replied: "tell me your sins my son."
"I am committing adultery. I have a 25 year old girl friend. Every morning I tell my wife that I am going to have coffee with my friends, but instead I go to my girl friends house where she gives me a b**... and then we have s**... for an hour."
The Priest said: "adultery is a grave sin. But Mr Cohn, you're Jewish. Why are you telling me?"
Mr. Cohn replied "hey, I'm telling everybody."
So, God goes to different countries asking if they're interested in his commandments.
First, he tried the French. He said:
"Would you be interested in commandments?"
The French replied "what's in 'em?"
God said "Well, one is that you shall not commit adultery"
and the French said "no thanks."
Next God tried the Romanians. He asked if they would be interested in some commandments, to which the Romanians replied,
"what's in them?"
God said "well, one says you shall not steal..."
the Romanians say "no thanks."
Next, God tried Israel. He said, "do you want some commandments?"
They immediately said "how much?"
God said, "well, they're free, but you will hav-"
"We'll take ten!"
The priest was walking down the street looking sad.
What happened? asked a parishioner.
I am afraid someone from the parish stole my umbrella.
Here's what you do. Next sermon talk about the Ten Commandments and look around when you quote 'Thou shall not steal' and see who bows his head in shame.
Next week the priest walks happily down the avenue, twirling his umbrella.
The smart parishioner said, I see my advice worked.
Not exactly, said the priest. When I reached 'Thou shall not commit adultery,' I remembered where I forgot it.
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Commit Adultery One Liners
Which commit adultery one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with commit adultery? I can suggest the ones about caught cheating and cheating husband.
- Why did Roy Moore go for underage girls? He didn't want to commit *adult*ery.
- Where can you find information about raisins that commit adultery? Currant Affairs
- What did the constipated fish do after commiting adultery? She made a bass-t**....