Commercialized Jokes

What ever happened to the Energizer Bunny?

So the other day I'm talking to a friend about what happened to the Energizer Bunny. It's been quite sometime since I've seen him appear in a commercial. I was always under the impression that he "kept going." My friend proceeds to tell me the Energizer Bunny was arrested last year ,and they charged him with battery. Now it all makes sense.

i don't get this joke

Louis c**... said it was one of his terrible early standup jokes
"I asked my mom what s**... was and she said 'it's what happens when Mrs. Brady turns off the lights. So I always thought s**... was a commercial for paper towels"

Need some help from you guys!

I'm writing a script for a commercial for a small denture business, and the client wants me to open with a pun and so far anything I've come up with is pretty bleak.. So hit me with your best mouth/dentist/smile (etc.) puns! Thanks in advance.
Upvotes for all answers!

I want Tampax!

A little boy was asked by his mom what he would like for his birthday. He answered immediately: "I want Tampax!"
The mother was shocked, then asked him why in the world he would want that for his birthday.
"Because it says in the commercials that with Tampax you can go swimming, ride a horse, or go to a party any time you a want to.

I saw a commercial this afternoon advertising a "certified diabetic shoe fitter."

I really hope he remembers to take his insulin.

Bilbo Baggins turns on the radio.

After a lengthy commercial break, the DJ suddenly jumps right into a new song.
"Just a small town girl..."
Bilbo was surprised, and delighted: this was unexpected Journey.

I feel bad for that goober from the Mucinex commercials.

It's not his fault he's a little snot.

I love the smell of abandoned commercial manufacturing plants.

I find it to be a pleasant old factory experience.

Mastercard Chinese Resturant Commercial

General Tso's Chicken........ $11.50
Coca-Cola........ $1.99
Take out guy forgets container........ Riceless

I was watching FOX Sports, but decided to switch to the History Channel...

You still get to see the US destroy Japan, but there are fewer commercials!

Anyone remember this from the Austin Powers commercial?

"If you see one movie this summer... see Starwars... but if you see two movies see Austin Powers...."

Me and my wife were contemplating abortion until we saw a commercial sealing the deal...

"They'll do things their parents never even dreamed of, because these kids will grow up with Windows 10."

Commercials that never made it to air

Here's my entry:
"Have you had an accident that wasn't your fault and has ruined your life? Next time, use Durex".

I am going to stay up tomorrow and watch the election results...

But all the commercials say "If your election lasts longer than four hours, please call your doctor."

NBC: And the winner of the Gold medal is...

NBC: Find out right after 4 hour delay and several commercial breaks.

How did NBC respond to someone who criticized their broadcasting?

I (*commercial break*) can't (*commercial break*) understand (*commercial break*) your accent (*commercial break*).

I want to open a clock shop...

The commercials will say:
"I sell some of the finest wrist timepieces around. Don't believe me? Just watch."

Why doesn't Lilly from AT&T commercials show any cleavage?

Because AT&T has the best coverage

The best part about Netflix is there are no commercials.

On an unrelated note, does anyone know how to get u**... stains out of a couch?

My uncle has a television set in his automobile, but it led to a little trouble.

You see, he was sitting in the car, watching television, while his wife was driving on the highway at sixty miles per hour.
Then the commercial came on, and he stepped out to go to the bathroom

Poverty Commercials

How'd that saying go? Live fast, die young, or wait...other way around for them Ethiopian kids. Live young, die fast.

Growing up in Canada, Taco Bell commercials were surprisingly different.

At the end of each ad, they sang: "Make a run...for the border. And then the next border."

A Hanes commercial came on while I was watching T.V. with my daughter. She turned and said, "oh please Dad, don't act like you never wore tighty w**......

I responded, "Yes, there was a brief period."

Why was there a gamete in the commercial on TV?

Because s**... cells

All those car commercials that say "real people, not actors"

I agree, actors aren't real people.

As a Trump supporter, I am really disappointed by all these firing at the White House.

Why aren't the firing televised live on TV? And there needs to be some suspenseful music prior to finding out who is being fired along with like 12 commercial breaks that can help pay down the national debt.

UGH I was just forced to watch a s**... commercial about something called a Snuggie...

I wanted to change the channel so bad, but I was under a blanket and didn't want my arms to get cold.

Must have been watching too much TV this week::

My dreams have commercial breaks now...

Comcast's newest commercial really gave me a laugh.

They boasted their fast internet speeds, lower prices, and amazing customer service. Not to mention how they boasted supporting net neutrality.
Are there two companies named Comcast?

All these tide commercials

It's a good thing Superbowl LII didn't go to overtime...

More than just the commercials would be Tide.

A Lysol commercial said I should disinfect the thing I touch the most.

I think this is gonna burn.

My father was a commercial miner his whole life, but he only mined silver and gold. On his deathbed, I asked him what his favorite metal to mine was... he said

Either ore.

What do you call a male commercial s**... worker?

A prostatute.

Music is very powerful,

like that Kars 4 Kids commercial. Before I saw that commercial I wanted to donate a car to kids, but that song changed my mind.

Do you brush your teeth without making a mess like in the commercials?

I usually look like I have minty fresh rabies…

A group of elderly folks were watching television at the retirement home...

They were enjoying their show until it was time for a commercial break. Having nothing else to do, they stayed sitting and watched the commercials. Suddenly, one advertisement displayed attractive men and women in rubber bodysuits, latex clothing, and b**...-looking outfits. The elderly were aghast.
No one expected the Spandex intermission.

So I'm sitting there watching TV with my dad when commercials come on.

T.V.: *"Taco Bell's taco 12-pack says, 'my 11 friends and I are set..."*
Me: "HA! More like I'M set."
Dad: "I know, right? You don't even have 11 friends."

Why is it appropriate that the Rolling Stones let their song Start Me Up be used for a Windows 95 commercial?

Because it contains the lyrics You'd make a grown man cry.

Dolphins shouldn't be commercially used for entertainment.

Because it's not their purpoise.

I saw Mission Impossible: Fallout yesterday.

It's probably the longest iPhone commercial I'll ever watch.

Why did the actor in the prescription drug commercial cross the road?

To get to the other side effects.

A lot of people are upset about that Gillette commercial

I guess it wasn't made for people with sensitive skin.

I physically force my dog to watch animal a**... commercials,

just to show him how good he has it.

If the Super Bowl goes into overtime, does that mean…

…the first 4 quarters were just a really long commercial since the game was Tide?

There is only one thing more annoying than the 877-kars-4-kids commercials....

Any Patriots fan this morning.

Sean Connery auditioned for the "City Bank" commercials, but didn't get the part.

Also, he only ever asked his wife once to "come sit on his lap"

An old man in his 90's

is watching tv and a s**...
commercial comes on. After the ad the old fella realizes he has a s**.... He gets up and shuffles into the kitchen to show his wife. "MARTHA!!! MARTHA!!! Look at this. What should i do with it?" His wife looks up at him and replies," You might as well clean it now that you got the wrinkles out of it".

What's the difference between a woman and a tiger entering a commercial center?

The woman is shopping in the mall and the tiger is mauling in the shops.

TIL why Liberty Mutual's commercials are so bad

They only pay for what they need!
I should've realized that before just now...

Amazon's new commercial says working here is like working in the chocolate factory.

Cuz all these HIPAA violations, and unpaid workplace injuries.

Who is the most underrated rapper in the world?

The guy who says market risks and T&C apply at end of commercials.

One day I'm going to open a furniture store named Sofa King.

That way I can make late night tv commercials and shout our prices are Sofa King low!

A death toll too high to imagine

On September 29th 2006 President George W. Bush receives a briefing from one of his staff
"Mr. President, we've just received reports of a commercial plane c**... in south America, 154 Brazilian people died."
"Oh my God, that's terrible..." The president replies solemnly, thinking quietly to himself.
"Wait... How much is a Brazilian?"

Smoky Bear: Only YOU can prevent wildfires!

Two guys are talking about TV commercials. One of them says, So, I saw this commercial the other day where a bear dressed as park ranger said that only I could prevent wildfires.
The other guy replies, Why, that two-timing liar! The other day he told me that _I_ was the only one who could prevent them!

When buying crows for commercial use, always buy them in groups...

That way, you're guaranteed to make a killing.

Pill commercials nowadays be like

After just one use, derpatine fixed my knee pain and I can run again!
Consult a doctor if you're experiencing any headaches, nausea, muscle pain, blurry vision, nasal congestion, loss of sight, kidney failure, hernia, heart attacks, strokes or knee pain after using derpatine