comment Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious comment stories

What are the best Comment puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Comment? Well here is a complete list of Comment dad jokes:

A feminist told me about the "Dwayne Johnson Rule."

The rule, as she explained it, was that in order to determine if a particular comment was appropriate to say to a woman, first ask yourself, 'Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson?' If not, don't say it.

I thought this sounded like a good rule. So I told her:

"Your chest is fucking epic."

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As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself...

maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.

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The Sexist Professor

The anthropology professor was well known for making sexist comments and jokes in class much to the dismay of the feminist female students. The women students got together outside class and decided that after the next sexist comment from the professor they would stand up and walk out of class in solidarity.
The next day the professor, while lecturing on a certain African tribe, said: " and you ladies will be glad to know that the average penis size of the tribesmen is 12 inches!"
At that moment all the women in the class stood up and began filing out. The professor then said: "Wait! Wait ladies! The next flight to Nairobi doesn't leave until tomorrow morning!"

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This got legs in a comment thread yesterday so thought I would share.

A man is fishing when he hears a voice. Fish over here. He looks down and sees a frog. Really fish over here. So he does and catches his limit. The man decides to take the frog home when it says a branch is gonna fall just as the man moves out of the way saving both their lives. Deciding the frog is lucky he takes it to vegas. Put it all on 00 on roulette. Doing so the man hits it for a million. So he rents the presidential suite and they bask in the hot tub for a while and lay on the bed. The man says wow, you've done so much for me I wish there was something I could do for you. The frog says kiss me so he soes and poof! The frog turns into a beautiful 17 year old girl and I swear to god that's how she got there your honor.

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A little girl runs up behind us (this really happened)...

...while my GF and I were shopping at Target. The girl was maybe 5 and running from her mom. I made the comment, "Look Honey, a free daughter!" GF's reply was "Raising a child is not free." To which I replied, "Yes, but in this case you get a discount on the labor!"

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The teacher is giving the 5-year-olds their first french lesson.

'Does anybody already know any french?' she asks the class.

One boy raises his hand.

'Ahhh, Tres bien. Comment t'appelle tu?' the teacher asks him,

'Shit fuck cuntingface,' the boy replied, 'Sorry I can't say much else, daddy only uses a few french words.'

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A CEO went to see his lawyer and was greeted with the following comment:

"I have some good news and some bad news for you.

OK, I've had an awful day, so let's hear the good news first, the man replied.

Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures that are now worth a minimum of 2 million.

Well done, very good news indeed!" said the CEO enthusiastically. "You've made my day. Now, what is the bad news?

The pictures are of you in bed with your secretary.

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Is cakeday. Comment with best Latvian joke.

Make laugh. Is good distract from malnourish.

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A politician and his secretary

At a news conference a journalist said to a politician, "Your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you please comment on this?"
"The truth is," he replied, "my secretary has a big mouth. "

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What did the gay guy say while parking?

Wow, I'm not straight at all...

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Bill Russell tried to sell a championship ring to LeBron James for $1......

...... but LeBron only has 3 quarters.

Read online on a comment. LOL

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Two old ladies are in a car...

They're driving down the street when suddenly they pass a red light.

Dorothy, who's sitting in the passenger's seat thinks to herself, 'oh well, Matilda is getting pretty old and her vision isn't what it used to be. She probably didn't see that red light, happens to everyone."

They drive a little bit more and pass another red light. Dorothy is thinking to herself, "alright two red lights is no coincidence.. maybe I should say something.. well better not, Matilda always gets anxious when I comment on her driving"

So they continue on driving when they go through a third red light. This time Dorothy speaks up and says, "Matilda! what's going on?! that's the third red light you've gone through!!" and Matilda answers:

"Oh, am I driving?"

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Who's the coolest guy in the hospital?

The ultra-sound guy.

[read next comment]

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I hate it when I go to the supermarket and the employees there comment on my groceries.

Always with the "Hey, sir, you have to pay for those!" Every damn time.

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Love sickness

Love sickness has been known throughout history to affect young boys and girls. These days, love sickness is just known as hepatitis.

*Tried my best to rework a comment my professor made into joke format, kind of rambling but you get the idea*

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Why do women prefer 77 more than 69?

Because they get 8 (ate) more.

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A guy submits a comment to a group of people, hoping to learn how the community approves/disapproves...

(?|?)

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So, a friend of mine claims to be really body-positive, but...

...I saw him comment on a picture of a fat woman in Wal-Mart comparing her to a pachyderm. I told him to stop being so hippo-critical.

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A couple of old guys sat at the bar...

Ernest pops up with a comment "George, when I was 20 years old and I had a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands!"

They sit in silence a few minutes, punctuated by the occasional sip.

Ernest says "When I was 35, I could bend it with one hand."

A few minutes later, he says "Now I can bend it with one finger!"

Another few sips and he says "George, how much stronger do you think I'm gonna get?"

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How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a lightbulb? (From a comment in this subredit)

YOU DON'T BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T THERE!!!

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My love life is like an empty comment box

'There doesn't seem to be anything here'

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Your generation is too reliant on technology," said my grandpa

"No, your generation is too reliant on technology," I retorted as I pulled the plug on his life support to further prove my point.


 ^  


^Shamelessly ^stolen ^from ^a ^top ^comment ^somewhere

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I commented on a ELI5 about occam's razor.

My answer wasn't long enough and was flagged by the moderator-bot.

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A child gets on a bus

So a child of seven jumps on a bus. The driver, noticing he's alone, tells him to sit in the seat closest to the front.

After the bus has started the kid says: "Hey mister driver?"

Driver:"Yes?"

Child:"Did you know, that if my mummy was a dog, and my daddy was a dog, that I would be a dog?"

The driver chuckles at this cute comment and says:"No, I did not"

After a while the child says again:" Mister driver, did you know that if my mummy was a giraffe, and my daddy was a giraffe, that I would be a giraffe?"

The driver laughs again, with a bit less enthusiasm and says:" No I didn't know that."

The child starts listing almost every animal that driver has heard of, and it starts to annoy him more and more, until finally he yells:"WHAT IF YOUR MOTHER WAS A PROSTITUTE, AND YOUR FATHER WAS AN ALCOHOLIC!!?!"

The kid looks up at the man with a small smile and says:"Well then I'd be a bus driver."

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What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs?

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on the porch?

Matt

How about in water?

Bob

lol, just found this sub sorry if repost but hot damn you fuckers are funny

ninja

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a school joke ! i got f in arithmetic

Boy: "I got an F in arithmetic."
Father: "Why?"
Boy: "The teacher asked 'How much is 2×3?' and I said '6'"
Father: "But that's right!"
Boy: "Then she asked me 'How much is 3×2?'"
Father: "What's the fucking difference?"
Boy: "That's exactly what I said!"


please upvote if you liked it ! :D xD
and don't forget to comment if you have any jokes let's make it the greatest joke thread xD

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Zero word punchlines

* Does this smell like chloroform to you?
* I wonder what happens when I pull this pin?
* Does this hurt?

Comment some more!

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What do you say when someone makes a racially insensitive comment?

That's insensitive, you retard.

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Comment found on an FB
pic of a new born baby

"Hey kid, Spoiler Alert: Life sucks."

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Not a joke, but some witty comment I like to say

Whenever I get my hands on one of my friends phone (who isn't single), or whenever one of them gets a new girlfriend, I ask:

"Do you have any naked photos of you girlfriend on your phone?"

Naturally, the answer is "No", at which I respond:

"Do you want some?"


Works every time :)

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Kik Group Chats

Hey guys, my group chat on kik is #theoutcastsgroup feel free to join it or feel free to comment your group chat.

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A couple of bar jokes.

Haven't seen these two anywhere on this page so thought I'd share them. Feel free to comment with any of your own bar jokes :)

A preist, a nun and a rabbi walk into a bar and the bartender says: "WTF is this, a joke!!"

Three rabbis walk into a bar...they buy it.

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I know 10 facts about you:

Fact 1: You are reading this.


Fact 2: You can't say the letter 'm' without touching your lips.


Fact 3: You just tried it.


Fact 4: You're smiling.


Fact 6: You're smiling or laughing again.


Fact 7: You didn't notice I missed fact 5.


Fact 8: You just checked it.


Fact 9: You're smiling again.


Fact 10: You like this and you're going to rate or comment. :)

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how to get an incredible amount of comment carma in one day

be snoop

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George Zimmerman has officially changed his name to Ben Gahzi

The Obama administration has refused comment stating "what does it matter now?"

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Need help submitting my code, comment yours and I'll add whenever possible! b7944042

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I learned from 'The Exorcist'

That when it comes to souls, possession is 9/10 of the law.

Changed slightly from a comment made by /u/boobiesucker

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Louisiana Rep Steve Scalise

Louisiana Rep. Steve Scalise is in the hot seat right now over a speech he gave for a white supremacist group in 2002, when reached for a comment regarding the backlash the speech has now garnered, Scalise replied that he did Nazi it coming...

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Request to the mods

People who comment with "and then ____ fainted" should be banned!

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Hilary Clinton wants to be the first woman in the Oval Office

When reached for comment, Bill Clinton said "More like the 18th...does under the desk count as 'in' the office?"

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Just takes one time...

A couple walk into a bar, sit down and order a drink. Next to them is an obviously inebriated older guy just sippin' his drink staring at nothing in particular.

"You see that door over there?" He grumbles to no one in particular, "I framed that door. Did the measurements myself, put it up and framed it but they don't call me Bill the door framer"

The couple shrugs off this weird comment and keeps chatting at the bar.

"You see that fence outside? I built that fence. Got the wood, put in the posts and even painted it but they don't call me Bill the fence builder"

Again the couple shrugs off the odd ramblings.

"But you fuck one goat..."

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Best comeback ever?

If someone says a stupid comment it to you trying to bash you or something just remain silent. If he says what's wrong you don't have a comeback? just say "if I wanted my comeback I would get it off your mothers face."

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How many lesbians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to change the bulb, and the other to comment on how much better that was without a man.

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Since my last comment-joke did so well....
What's a cuban's favorite sport?

Swimming (Don't get offended I'm 1/3 cuban)

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The dishes

A young man goes to his girlfriend's house for dinner. On the way there she tells him about an odd family custom, the first person to speak after dinner has to do the dishes. The couple sit down to eat with the girl's parents, and when they've finished everyone sits around the table in silence. The young man doesn't want to do the dishes so he tries to create a comment by kissing his girlfriend full on the mouth. No one utters a word, so the young man puts his hands up his girlfriend's skirt. Still no one says anything. The young man pulls out all the stops: He strips his girlfriend naked and they have sex on the table. Still no one speaks. But the young man is not to be beaten. He tries again but this time strips the mother naked and has sex with her. Still no one says a word. The young man sighs. He knows he's beaten and starts to clear the table. He picks up the butter dish and the father jumps out of his chair. "Okay, okay!" he shouts. "I'll do the damn dishes!"

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Long Life

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 90?"

He asked, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?" "Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you care if you live to be 90?

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What did the silkworm comment on the message board?

"This thread is shit."

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Hott Girl's Facebook Status

"Bored" 86 Likes; 54 Comments

My status
"Just got accepted into Harvard!" 0 Likes; 1 Comment from Mom:"...Nerd"

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So then, the rhino looked at the elephant and said "What about the weasel?"

That's the punchline. Comment with the lead up and may the best one win.

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People who comment alternate punchlines can just fuck off

like do they not realize how not funny it sounds after reading the original joke (okay come at me)

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best comment jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about comment. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty comment gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these comment jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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