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Commanding Officer Jokes

40 commanding officer jokes and hilarious commanding officer puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about commanding officer that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Commanding Officer Short Jokes

Short commanding officer jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The commanding officer humour may include short commander jokes also.

  1. When I was in the army our commanding officer always made decisions based on the way our whole unit felt. I kind of miss him. Good ol' General Consensus.
  2. Did you hear about the soldier who threw up on his commanding officer? It was a dishonorable discharge.
  3. My grandfather had a buddy named Will who was shot during WWII... His commanding officer said "Fire at Will!" So everyone shot at Will and killed him
  4. A military commander found the briefing room a little too stuffy So he told one of his officers to "Open the windows and let the Air Force come in."
  5. A soldier on sentry duty fell asleep while standing up, And woke to find his commanding officer standing in front of him, looking furious. With great presence of mind, the soldier said, "amen"
  6. If you're in the army and your commanding officer comes up to you when you're near your camping equipment, what do you do? Kill yourself.
    Or, y'know, stand at atTENTion.
  7. An Army commanding officer is talking to one of his troops. "Why exactly did you send the Grenadine people explosives instead of the medical supplies we promised?"
    "You said to send Gren aid."
  8. The army officer was waiting for his commander ..so he asked him for the bill.
    _serve and protect_
  9. Why did the soldier not survive the slanders made by his commanding officer? Because he wasn't wearing his flak jacket.
  10. A mosquito goes to a military base. The commanding officer says, "Sorry, this is a 'no fly' zone."

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Commanding Officer One Liners

Which commanding officer one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with commanding officer? I can suggest the ones about officer and army officer.

  1. Why did Will die? Because the commanding officer told his soldiers: "Fire at will"

Amusing & Witty Commanding Officer Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun

What funny jokes about commanding officer you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean tank commander jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make commanding officer pranks.

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday.
Better go tell him and send him in to see me."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.
"Listen up, men," says the Sergeant.
"Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers.
The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance.
Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"
"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died.
You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation.
"Ok, men, fall in and listen up."
"Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.


The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass?
You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"
So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!
The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"
"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs.
I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up.
I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"

The Captain called the Sergeant in.
"Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday.
Better go tell him and send him in to see me."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.
"Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP.
Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers.
The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance.
Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office.
"Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died.
Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"
"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died.
You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation.
"Ok, men, fall in and listen up.
Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward.
NOT SO FAST, McGrath!"

One day a government worker was digging through his office drawers when suddenly he came upon a magic lamp.
(Oh, c'mon, I'm sure there's one buried in your desk too.)
Since he'd heard these jokes before, he knew that he had to rub the lamp and make the genie come out.
So he rubbed the lamp and - oh, surprise out popped a genie.
The genie asked, as genies will, "What is your first wish?"
The government worker thought about it for a second, then replied, "I would like to be rich!"
So the genie granted him his wish, and p**... the man was surrounded by piles of money rivaling the heaps of even Martha Stewart and Bill Gates.
Since the government worker knew the whole wish process, the genie didn't even have to ask for number two before he said, "My second wish is to be on an island with beautiful women surrounding me and obeying my every command!"
And p**..., he was there.
Then the government worker or, as I like to call him, civil servant decided on his third wish, "I don't want to do any work ever again!" and p**... ubiquitous ironic twist he was back in his office.

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.


Congress said someone may steal from it at night; so they created a night watchman, GS-4 position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?"
So they created a planning position and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, GS-12 and one person to do time studies,
GS-1.
Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"
So they created a Q. C. position and hired two people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports.
Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?"
So they created the following positions, a time keeper, GS-09, and a payroll officer, GS-11, and hired two people.
Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"
So they created an administrative position and hired three people, an Admin.
Officer GM-13, Assistant Admin.
Officer GS-12, and a Legal Secretary GS-08.
Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $280,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."
So they laid off the night watchman.

The Perfect Question

The commanding officer at the Russian military academy (the
equivalent of a 4-star general in the U.S. ) gave a lecture on
Potential Problems and Military Strategy. At the end of the
lecture, he asked if there were any questions.

An officer stood up and asked, "Will there be a third world war?
And, will Russia take part in it?"

The general answered both questions in the affirmative.

Another officer asked, "Who will be the enemy?"

The general replied, "All indications point to China ."

Everyone in the audience was shocked.

A third officer remarked,

"General, we are a nation of only 150 million, compared to the 1.5
billion Chinese. Can we win at all, or even survive?"

The general answered, "Just think about this for a moment: In
modern warfare, it is not the quantity of soldiers that matters,
but the quality of an army's capabilities. For example, in the
Middle East we have had a few wars recently where 5 million Jews
fought against 150 million Arabs, and Israel was always victorious."

After a small pause, yet another officer - from the back of the
auditorium asked,

"Do we have enough Jews?"

Police dog

One evening, a deputy in the canine division was dispatched to the scene of a possible burglary, where he discovered the back door of a building open. He let the dog out of his patrol car and commanded it to enter and seek. Jumping from the back seat, the dog headed for the building. After lunging through the doorway, the dog froze and backed out. My friend was puzzled until he investigated further. Then he noticed the sign on the building: "Veterinarian's Office."

The Wire Brush

An Army officer decides to inspect soldiers recovering in one of the field hospitals he commands. He marches into one of the tents, goes up to the first private he sees and barks, "What's your affliction, private?" 
Standing at attention, "Venereal warts, SIR!"
He then asks, "And what treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush every day, SIR!"
Finally he asks, "And what's your ambition, soldier?"
"To get back to the frontline, SIR!"
He goes up to the next private, "What's your affliction, private?" 
"Chronic piles, SIR!"
"And what treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush every day, SIR!"
"And what's your ambition, soldier?"
"To get back to the frontline, SIR!"
On it went until the officer had nearly made it through the whole ward.  He goes up to the last private, looking like he may die at any moment.
Taking it down a notch, "What's your affliction, son?" 
"Gingivitis, sir."
"And what treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush every day, sir."
"And what's your ambition, soldier?"
"TO GET THE WIRE BRUSH BEFORE THOSE OTHER GUYS, SIR!!"

how to get out of a speeding ticket

cop pulls me over and we start into the standard lines
officer: "do you know how fast you were going?"
me: "no in all honesty i don't, see my crack pipe slipped out of my hand and when i went to grab it my gun fell on the gas pedal then the h**... in my trunk wouldn't shut up so i had to start swerving trying to knock her out"
the officer looked at me really strange before asking me to step out of the vehicle, he hand cuffed me and sat me on the curb waiting for back up, and the drug sniffing dog. finally after all is said and done they search my car, find nothing then his commanding officer walks up to me
commander: "now son my officer here tells me you admitted to doing drugs, having a firearm, as well as a h**... in your trunk"
i look shocked then reply
me: "i bet he told you i was speeding to didn't he?"

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass.

The CO says, "Are you crazy? You just joined the Israeli army, and you already want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"
So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked, "How did you do it?"
"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, 'Do you want to get a 3 day pass?' So we exchanged tanks!"

Two friends join the SAS.

Two friends, Pat and m**..., are trying to join the SAS. After doing all the training their commanding officer in charge tells them, "Now you two must realise that you have to do anything your commanding officer says no question asked, so m**... go into that room there", so m**... walks in. The officer then says to Pat, "Do you think you could kill a friend Pat?", to which Pat replies, "oh no I love all my friends"
"WHAT DID I JUST SAY PAT!"
"Yes sir!" Pat exclaims.
The officer then says, "Do you think you could kill m**..., Pat?"
"Oh never sir m**... is like a brother to me I have kno..."
"WHAT DID I JUST SAY!!"
"Oh right, yes sir"
"Well then take this gun, and walk into that room, where you shall kill m**...", so Pat goes in and 5 minutes later he goes back to his commanding officer and he says, "I've done it sir"
"Well you'll be glad to know that gun was fake Pat and just call m**... back in"
Pat then replies, "I can't sir"
"Why?"
"I strangled him"

The preacher arrived at church...

...muttering angrily under his breath.
"Goodness, what's wrong?" asked his secretary when he came into the office.
"It's raining like crazy out there," said the preacher, "and I can't find my umbrella! I had it here at the church last week, and I think one of the congregation must have stolen it. Well, I'm not gonna stand for it! This morning I'm gonna give an old-fashioned fire and brimstone sermon reminding them of the fiery fate that awaits sinners! It'll put the fear of God in them! Then I'll recite the Ten Commandments, and when I get to the one about stealing, I guarantee the thief will break down and beg for my forgiveness!"
An hour later, after the service, he came back to the office.
"Did it work?" asked the secretary? "Did the thief confess when you got to the commandment about stealing?"
"No," said the preacher. "When I got to the one about adultery, I remembered where I left my umbrella."

Officer Discussing "Relations"

A party is going on at the Generals house, and four officers are discussing relations.
The General asks how much of it is Fun and how much is work, stating "I think its about 90% work, and 10% fun."
The Commander reluctantly disagrees saying "Sir I think it's more like 25% fun 75% work"
One of the department heads says "In my experience its about 50% work, 50% fun."
To which the JO (Junior Officer) says "I dunno, I know I'm not married sir, but I always thought it was 80% fun, and 20% work"
Just then the Senior Enlisted Advisor walks by so they ask him.
Thinking for a moment he responds "It must be 100% fun, because if any work was involved you four would have enlisted guys over at your house doing it for you."

It's an Army Captain's first day as Company Commander.....

He is in his new office, unpacking his stuff and setting things up, there is a knock on the door. The new Captain wants to impress his new soldiers, so he sits down, picks up the phone, and says "Come in."
A private enters the room, the Captain holds up his finger and starts talking "Ok General, thanks for the invitation to dinner at your house. I'm excited to be here and thanks again for hand picking me to Command this unit. See you Friday night. bye."
He hangs up and looks at the private and says "Hey there, what can I do for you?"
The private says "Good morning Sir, I'm just here to hook up your phone. "

"A Marine and his commanding officer.....!!!"

A Marine and his commanding officer were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The marine shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a w**...!" The commanding officer turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a w**... smells like."

a pakistani soldier enlists in the army , ( xpost - india )

A Pakistani soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass.The CO says, "Are you crazy? You just joined the Pakistani army, and you already want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Indian tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked, "How did you do it?" "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Indians. I approached the border, and saw an Indian tank. I put my white flag up, the Indian tank put his white flag up. I said to the Indian soldier, 'Do you want to get a 3 day pass?' So we exchanged tanks!"

Army Wargames

During an Army war game, a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.
"Sorry sir, "said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way."
The officer turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."
They helped.

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.

The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"
So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"
"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"

Penguins are at war

During a intense trench firefight, a young private that was recently drafted starts balling saying he cant handle it.
The commanding officer ferociously waddles over and screams "its either us or them"!
The private pauses for a second. Looks up and says "its not always black and white"
[OC]

What did the centvrion say to his commanding officer at the battle of Tevtoburg forrest?

We need to legate the f**... ovt of here.

A man joined the Navy and was stationed on a sub

A man went to the Navy and was stationed on a sub.
This submarine had a system in which service members were stationed at a certain place.
On the third day of his career, he was moved to a different station for work.
On the fourth day, it happened again.
On the fifth day, he was again, moved to another station.
On the sixth day, he asked the commanding officer.
The guy: Why are so many of us being moved to different stations frequently?
Commanding Officer: Reposts are common on this sub .

A young woman brought her boyfriend home to meet her father, a retired military officer.

The woman was nervous because her boyfriend was a conscientious objector.
When the father asked the young man to talk about himself, the latter replied, nervously, that he was a CO.
The father clapped the young man on the back and congratulated him, thinking the latter was a commanding officer.

A private asks his commanding officer for a few days leave.

The private explains that his wife is going to have a baby. The commanding officer is very supportive, and approves the request.
The next week when the private returns the commanding officer asks, "So private, was it a boy or a girl."
"Don't be silly, sir," says the private. "It takes *months*!"

Two soldiers were at their post

When their commanding officer came over and said
" Alright boys there is a curfew tonight, anyone seen out past 10pm must be shot on site." The soldiers shook their head and obliged.
It hit 9:45pm and the commanding officer heard gunshot fire and came running to the soldiers to discover a man shot dead.
" What the h**... happened here! It's only 9:45!" Said the officer.
" Well sir I know where that man lives and there is no way in h**... he was making it home for 10!"

A man rolls through a Stop sign…

An officer sees this, and pulls the man over.
Do you know why I pulled you over? The officer asks.
No sir, the man replies.
Then please step out of the vehicle, the officer commands. The man complies, and the officer starts rapidly beating him with his baton.
Ow ow stop! Stop! The man cries out desperately.
The cop says, Oh, would you like me to stop, or just slow down?

So, I had a commanding officer from Australia

Of course I used this fact to make stereotypical jokes and stuff.
He seemed rather calm towards it.
But two weeks later I realised I'm only one who was transfered between different squads.
And they were:
Charlie;
Uniform;
November;
Tango.

A n**... police officer came to work

A n**... police officer came to work and his commander, shocked, asked him: "why did you come n**...?"
The police officer said: "There was a party last night I attended. At 00:00 all lights went off and we were in the dark. All of a sudden a voice said that all females should undress. You could hear u**.... Then after a while the same voice said all the males to get undressed. Everybody did that, so did I. And then after a minute the voice said GET TO WORK"
Commander: "And?"
Police officer: "And I came to work."

Brown Pants

During the French and Indian Wars in North America, the French captured a British Officer during an engagement. Later that evening the French officers gathered and dined with the new captive.

After dinner the French commander asked their prisoner Sir, we have been wondering why British officers wear a red coat, as it makes you an obvious target for our sharpshooters . The British officer replied We wear it so that if we are wounded, the sight of our blood does not panic our men .
Ever since that day, French Officers have worn brown pants.