Commander Jokes

Following is our collection of sarge puns and captain one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Commander jokes for adults, dirty cadet jokes and clean airman dad gags for kids.

The Best Commander Puns

AMA: I am a submarine naval commander discharged for friendly fire in an underwater sea battle

Oops, wrong sub.

An alien mothership is scouting planet Earth.

Alien Scout: Sir, the Humans appear to possess massive military capabilities, nuclear weapons included.

Alien Commander: This is problematic, are they really such an intelligent species?

Alien Scout: Apparently not Sir, they appear to have them pointed at themselves.

A women invites 3 military men to her house

During WW2 many families near military bases would invite service men over to their house for an evening to forget about the war, and to enjoy a home cooked meal. So a women calls the military base and says she would like to invite 3 men over but expresses that they CANNOT be Jews. Absolutely no Jews. The base commander says fine he will send 3 over on Sunday. She agreed and hanged up. On Sunday a jeep drives up and 3 black men got out of the vehicle. The women is in shock and asks the men is this a mistake? Surely this HAS to be a mistake! One of the men replies, "No ma'am, Captain Goldstein never makes a mistake."

A large group of Russian soldiers...

A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill: "One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian". The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice once again calls out: "One Finn is better than one hundred Russians."

Furious, the Russian commander sends his next best 100 troops over the hill and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The calm Finnish voice calls out again: "One Finn is better than one thousand Russians!"

The enraged Russian commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the hill. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought.... Then silence.

Eventually one badly wounded Russian fighter crawls back over the hill and with his dying words tells his commander,
"Don't send any more's a trap. There are two of them."

My commander told me he didn't see me at camo practice.

I said "Thanks."

Ancient Rome conquered many lands. The leader of the time decided to tour...

He made it to England where he encountered a type of weather he had never seen before. As the frozen rain fell he asked "what is this?!"

The commander replied "Hail, Cesar".

Cesar replied "Hail! Now, what is this weather?"



"It's horrible."


A military plane crashes on a cannibal island

The soldiers are captured, and the chief asks them "Right, which one of you is the commander?"

"That's me, Commander Joe Miller."

"Well, congratulations, Joe, by tomorrow you'll be Commander-in-Chief!"

A joke about eggs

An egg soldier is on a battlefield, trying to make contact with the egg commander.

"Sir, can you hear me?"

"Yes but there's a large amount of static on your end."

"Just as I thought."

"What do you mean, corporal?"

"Our communications have been scrambled."

Accent humour, mate!

It's the year 2022, WWIII has started. 1st world countries vs 2nd world countries and Middle East. Britain asks for reinforcement from Australia. The Australian regiment arrives and next morning starts preparing while the British Commander enters and starts increasing the army's morale:

British Commander: Did you came here *to die*?

Australian Soldier: No sir, we came here *yester-die*.

When I was in the army I was offered the position of tank commander...

But I said, " No tanks"

The story of a U.S Army member named Will

His 3rd day into battle, his squad commander, upon seeing enemies, yelled FIRE AT WILL!

Pregnant With Doubt

When the sergeant told our new commander that his driver could not participate in an upcoming field maneuver because she was pregnant, the enraged commander demanded to know just how pregnant she was.

The sergeant's reply: Completely, sir.

What did Hitler say to his Commander?

I said a GLASS OF JUICE! Not gas the Jews!

Why did Billy die by friendly fire in war?

Because when the enemies were spotted, the commander ordered everybody on the battlefield to fire at will.

A German tank commander boasted "One Tiger can take on ten Shermans!"

And an American replied "Good thing we have eleven."

The commander at the Venus space station told his Flight Engineer

I want this issue resolved next year, not tomorrow!

Trump got a sandwich named after him at his favorite deli.

Commander in Cheese Meltdown.

They put it on the kid's menu.

After a fatal river rise, what did the commander beaver say to all the other beavers?

Dam it.

Soldier, I didn't see you yesterday in the test for camouflage

Thank you my commander

Why was the terrorist commander mad at his subordinate?

Apparently, you're not supposed to practice suicide bombing!

I told my commander that I'd like to be a sniper

But he told me it would be a long shot.

This clown thing has gone too far

I mean, he could very well became our commander in chief in a month or so.

What did the commander say to his troops?

March 4th

What do you call it when a commander becomes nervous?

General anxiety

A galley ship's commander addresses the slaves.

"I have good news," the commander says. "For all your hard work, you're each going to receive an extra rum ration!" The galley slaves cheer, but are quickly silenced by the commander. "And now the bad news," he says. "The Captain wants to go water skiing."

Two Roman sailors were the only survivors when their longship capsized.

When asked by the rescuing ship's commander how many survivors there were, they responded "II, sir!"

I asked my Commander if he thought I could be Captain some day.

He told me I ask the obvious questions.

Will was killed during his first battle with the US army

His comrades got confused when their commander yelled: "Fire at Will!"

What do you call the commander of a utilitarian army?

General Felicity

Why was William killed when he entered the army?

The commander said, "fire at will"...

A military commander found the briefing room a little too stuffy

So he told one of his officers to "Open the windows and let the Air Force come in."

Did you hear about the new protagonist in Mass effect 4?

It's Commander Lamb.

(From a friend of mine... Told it to me while we were in a party chat)

Which evil villain would most likely defeat Indiana Jones?

Cobra Commander

A Japanese commander invites Darth Vader to dinner

He asks him " Will you be there tonight at 8 PM Lord Vader?"

Vader says " I hope so commander, for your sake ".

Who is the commander of cheese?


You know something, Jon Snow

Lord Commander: "So, Jon Snow, is it true you have lain with a Wildling girl?"

Jon Snow: "Yes, sir, it is true. But I have no Ygrittes."

This military commander has killed more people than Hitler and continues to ravage the world

His name is Colonel Sanders.

The army officer was waiting for his commander he asked him for the bill.
_serve and protect_

What did the commander say to his crusaders before they fell asleep?

Knight, knight

During the war the commander turned to me and said, "Let's move out."

I said, "No, thanks. I don't want to live with you."

A Navy commander once told me that leadership in the Navy is about two things:

1. Leader

2. Ship

What do you call the Lord Commander of the Night's Watch voting?

Counting Crows

ISIS commander to troops

ISIS commander: Do you guys know what the leading cause of goat rape is?
Troops: No, what?
ISIS commander: Sexy Goats ;)

Where does the military commander buy his groceries?


There is an abundance of firefight jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 44 funniest jokes and commander puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any brigade witze you can hear about commander.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes