Command Jokes
87 command jokes and hilarious command puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about command that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Feeling techy? Make light of your command line knowledge with these hilarious jokes about Command Prompts, Unix Commands, and more! From humorous Corporal jokes to puns on economy, get ready to be the life of the party with these command jokes!
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Funniest Command Short Jokes
Short command jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The command humour may include short console jokes also.
- What's the difference between iron-man and iron woman? one is a superhero and the other is a command.
- AMA: I am a submarine naval commander discharged for friendly fire in an underwater sea battle Oops, wrong sub.
- Why will button controlled remotes always be better than voice command? It goes without saying.
- I don't understand... ...how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and yet my wife can have 152 just for our house.
- If you hear a supernatural voice in your head telling you to destroy statues of the Ten Commandments, you might be mentally ill. But if the voice tells you to create them instead, you might be Moses.
- How is working in I.T. like being a wizard? You command vast powers beyond the scope of smaller minds, but to them all you do is wiggle your fingers and stuff just happens.
- Earliest-known Ten Commandments tablet sells at auction for $850000 Bumping Apple off the top spot for most expensive mobile device without a headphone jack.
- When I was in the army our commanding officer always made decisions based on the way our whole unit felt. I kind of miss him. Good ol' General Consensus.
- Did you hear that there's now an 11th commandment? Thou shall not COVID thy neighbor's wife.
- Who is second in command in the kitchen at a Native American owned restaurant? The Sioux chef
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Command One Liners
Which command one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with command? I can suggest the ones about terminal and task.
- What's The Donald's favourite keyboard shortcut? Command Alt Right.
- What date is also a command? March 4th.
- What do you call a virus that affects the command line? Terminal Illness
- What is a gay man's favorite DOS command? C:
- My commander told me he didn't see me at camo practice. I said "Thanks."
- Cats can learn up to 50 different words and commands They just don't want to
- My dog only responds to commands in Spanish He's Espanyol
- Today is a military command: March Fourth!
- Moses opens his tablet. The notification says, "You have 10 unread commandments'.
- A commander walks into a bar... And orders everyone around.
- What is it called when Barry Allen commandeers a car. A Flash Drive.
- What is a succubus's favourite keyboard command? Ctlr+D
- Why did Lt. Commander Data get arrested? Because he was being charged with a battery.
- Said Moses after smashing the Ten Commandments: It's okay, I have a backup in the cloud.
- Roman Sailors Roman sailors always replied to a command by saying, "2, sir".
Command Line Jokes
Here is a list of funny command line jokes and even better command line puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Chuck Norris doesn't use GUI, he prefers the command line.
Command Prompt Jokes
Here is a list of funny command prompt jokes and even better command prompt puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The command prompt was... ...the precursor
Quirky and Hilarious Command Jokes to Let the Chuckles Begin.
What funny jokes about command you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean controller jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make command pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
At the end of WW 2, three soldiers - an Italian, a Japanese, and a Pole - were facing a Russian firing squad.
The Russians decided to shoot the Italian first. They asked if he had any last words, and he yelled "Il Duce!" The squad leader then gave the command, "Ready... Aim...." and the Italian saw his life flash before his eyes, and remembered his home near Mt. Vesuvius, and yelled out, "Volcano!!!" The firing squad stopped and turned to scan the countryside, and the Italian ran away and escaped.
The Japanese guy took note of this, and when the firing squad leader said "Ready... Aim... ", he yelled out "Earthquake!!!" This distracted the firing squad, and he also escaped.
The Polish guy was last, and being no d**..., he picked up on what the two other guys did to escape. So the Russian said, "Ready... Aim..." and the Polock yelled out, "Fire!!!"
"Who was the Windows programmer's favorite hip-hop group?"
"Run-CMD"
(I came up with this one at work after repeatedly opening the command prompt. Not sure if it's been said before, but I hope you enjoy!)
The Doubling Genie
A man is walking along the beach one day and finds a bottle. He picks it up, rubs it, and a genie appears.
"Hello, I'm a genie and I'm here to grant you 3 wishes! You can have absolutely anything you'd like."
"So what's the catch?" the man asks
"The only catch is that your ex-wife gets twice of whatever you ask for"
The man seems taken aback, but agrees nonetheless. "Okay, well first off, I'd like a new Ferrari."
"Your wish is my command," replies the genie. A new Ferrari appears in front of the man. "However I just gave your wife two new Ferraris. What will your second wish be?"
Slightly frustrated, the man shrugs it off and continues.
"I'd like a mansion right here on the beach!" exclaimed the man.
His new mansion materialized right behind him. "Here's your mansion, but remember that your wife just got two mansions on the beach."
Visibly angered, the man pushes on to his third wish.
"And for you final wish?" the genie inquires.
The man replies, "I'd like you to scare me half to death."
LAPD Sent to Train Iraqi Police, Find Weapons of Mass Destruction
Within 2 months of being in Iraq to help train Iraqi Police recruits the LAPD sent the following message up to Army command:
It's over. We have weapons of mass destruction, need guidance on who we are supposed to find them on.
Edit* changed were to are
Biscuits & Doughnuts
An Admiral visits one of the ships under his command. While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the US Naval Insignia stamped on every biscuit.
He went to the cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command. The cook replied, "Well Admiral, after each one is cut out I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the insignia".
Horrified, the Admiral exclaims "That's very unhygienic!"
The cook shrugs and replies "In that case sir, I'd suggest you skip the Doughnuts".
Slinging puns at my best friend
So my best friend from high school is a Marine. The other day, he was promoted to Corporal.
So I told him "Treat your privates right. Also, the men under your command, treat them right too."
After joining the submarine forces of the Navy, I was guaranteed that I would be stationed on a nuclear-powered submarine by an Admiral.
Unfortunately, when I received my order I found out that my post would be a navigator on a Diesel-powered sub with no nuclear capability.
When I approached my command to complain, I was told that this happened all the time and would soon sort itself out - a moderator would soon move my post to the correct sub.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Going on a Bachelor party cruise
I was getting ready to go on a cruise for my best friends bachelor party and told Voice command Cell girl to "Remind me about power s**... for bachelor party". Later that night my wife asked if we had purchased an extra cruise ticket or if the cruise line was going to throw in the power stripper.
An Admiral visited one of the ships under his command.
While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.
He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.
The Chief replied, "I'd be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia."
Horrified, the Admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic!"
The Chief shrugs and replies, "Well, if that's the way you feel, Sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts."
The 10 Commandments
So an Archangel comes from heaven to give humanity these nifty new commandments from God.
First he goes to the French and says:
"I have new Commandments from God, would you like to hear them?"
"Ah, oui? What do zey say?"
"For example: Thou shalt not commit adultery"
"Oh, non, non, merci, non", and they send the Angel on his way.
The Angel then goes to the Germans:
"I have new Commandments from God."
"Ja? Vat do they say?"
"Well for example: Thou shalt not kill"
The Germans shake their heads, "I think's not, nein, danke!"
The Angel, perturbed, goes to the Jews and says:
"I have new Commandments from God..."
"How much?"
"Well...they're free"
"We'll take ten."
God's commandments (x-post classic4chan)
God went around the world looking for a nation to give his commandments to.
First he tried the French.
"Would you be interested in my commandments?"
"What's in 'em?"
"Well... There's 'thou shalt not commit adultery."
"No thank you."
God then tried the Romans.
"Would you be interested in my commandments?"
"What's in 'em?"
"Well... There's 'thou shalt not steal."
"No thank you."
Then God tried the Germans.
"Would you be interested in my commandments?"
"What's in 'em?"
"Well... There's 'thou shalt not kill."
"No thank you."
Finally God tried the Jews.
"Would you be interested in my commandments?"
"How much?"
"How much...? Well, eh, technically they're free, but you must maintain-"
"We'll take ten!"
I accidentally muted the command switch on my driverless car...
...well, it goes without saying.
Who is the commander of cheese?
Sargento
"Punchline" is not an internal or external command. Attempting a continue...
C:\Windows\System32\ taskkill /IM joke.exe
I once had a dog, that no matter what I tried to teach him, he only ever learned the the command "shake".
He had Barkinson's disease.
A group of scientists run an experiment on a frog
They teach it to jump on command by using flies as treats. Now when they say "Jump" the frog jumps.
Then they chop off one leg. They say "Jump" and the frog jumps in a crooked path. So far so good.
Finally, they chop off the other leg. They say "Jump" and the frog does not jump.
It has been concluded that frogs cannot hear without their legs.
My boss promoted me to the role of pilot in command...
He said I was going places.
Following my wife's guidance, I accepted the biblical command to be moderate in all things.
I struggled. Then I decided to add "moderation" to my list. Now everything seems back to normal.
I heard President Trump is a really good COD player.
Apparently he can tomahawk from across the map on command.
What's a Republican's favorite keyboard command?
Alt+Right
The Third Commandment
"Don't believeth everything thou readst on the Internet"
A Scientist is with his peer
The peer asks the scientist, "What are you working on?"
The scientist says, "Its amazing. I taught a dog how to communicate to humans with morse code!"
The two walk down the hall to see the dog and the scientist gives the dog a command. The dogs taps his paw on the ground with intervals of time creating letters in morse code.
The peer says, "What is he saying?"
The scientist says, "Woof."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a school where you go to learn how to f**... on command?
An Institute
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What will the Sith call the earth when they invade and take command?
The Force r**...
What are the 10 commandments in Australia?
High command asked a new recruit:
"What do you want to be in the army?"
"Pilot!"
And they sent him to preparatory courses, but they did not like him and told him he would never become a pilot.
So he went to the committee again.
"Where do you want to be in the army?"
"Air defence!"
"Why?"
"If I can't be a pilot, no one else can!"
Happy Command Day!
March forth.
A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.
A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.
He has two in his boat when the police approach him.
The man claims he's not poaching them and they are his pet lobsters, he's just taking them for a swim.
"I let them play in the water for a few minutes but when I whistle they come back to me."
So the police let him place the lobsters in the water and command the man to call them back.
"Call who back?"
I once met a wizard...
I once met a wizard who could on command spout saturated hydrocarbons from his hand that would instantly catch fire.
He was a master of alkane magic.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Women command respect and no one should ever say "you're such a b$&@#"...
instead try "you're not usually so b$&#@y!"
What's Barney Stinsons favourite Linux command?
su top
Some pesky insects into my house today. I told them to "git out" and they scared me by speaking.
They said, "git: 'out' is not a git command. See 'git --help'"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A catholic priest is praying
...I pray you Saint Anne...
Suddenly the devil appears: Oh, it's you again. For Pete's sake stop calling me if you don't mean it and at least pronounce my name right.
The priest shouts: Go away satan.
St. Anne appears: You want me to leave you? Gees, at least you could pronounce my name right.
The priest takes a piece of paper and writes using the sacramental wine:
I command you Satan, leave my church.
Dyslexic Santa appears:
Stop wasting the good wine! And what the heck you have against me?
(I modified the joke I wrote here earlier, I hope you like it)
What would God's 10 commandments be called in 2018?
Top 10 Commandments from God©
The commander at the Venus space station told his Flight Engineer
I want this issue resolved next year, not tomorrow!
where did Commander Waterford get a cold sore?
Under his eye
Why did the corn command a regiment?
It was a kernel
What did the commander say to his crusaders before they fell asleep?
Knight, knight
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Genie, I wish to use my first wish...
...your wish is my command,
Why was William afraid to join the army?
He was scared of the command fire at will
Know what command Syberia gives that makes her a good policewoman during winter?
FREEZE!
What is a viable command for both your dog and your wife?
Come
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man joins the mob and becomes the personal assistant to the Godfather
One day he receives a text message from the boss. "I've been having problems with my wife. Please pull the plug and then call someone in to take care of the matter."
The man knows better than to question the Godfather, so he dutifully carries out the command. He shoots the boss's wife, and then calls in the clean up crew.
But a short while later, he receives another message. "s**... autocorrect. I meant wifi."
What did the commander say to his troops?
March 4th
The voice command system of my driverless car stopped working days ago.
It goes without saying..
A bass player found a genie
A bass player found a genie, rubbed it and said I want to be the best bass player in all of America
the genie responded your wish is my command and he spent the next few years touring with some of the biggest bands in the country
He eventually got bored of just staying in America so he found the genie again and said I want to be the best bass player in the world
The genie responded your wish is my command and he was suddenly on a world wide tour.
He eventually got bored and found the genie one more time and said I want to be better than any bass player has ever been
Suddenly he was on tour as the rhythm guitarist of a middle school cover band
A medieval astrologer prophesied to a king that his favorite mistress would soon die.
Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman's death. He summoned the astrologer and gave him this command: "Prophet, tell me when you will die!"The astrologer realized that the king was planning to kill him, immediately, no matter what answer he gave. So he said, finally, "I do not know when I will die. I only know that whenever I die, you will die three days later."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do Mac owners think they are superior?
Because they need to command everything.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
The first is a super hero, the other is simply a command.
PS: It's a joke, women are awesome.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A spy has infiltrated an enemy military base in search of i**... weapons. His coordinates for the expected weapons are a little off and he ends up in the ventilation shaft above the toilets. Command contacts him and asks if he's found anything incriminating yet.
He replies hastily.. Well, possibly something biological and I don't see any missiles but.. I C BMs.
So, I had a commanding officer from Australia
Of course I used this fact to make stereotypical jokes and stuff.
He seemed rather calm towards it.
But two weeks later I realised I'm only one who was transfered between different squads.
And they were:
Charlie;
Uniform;
November;
Tango.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Iron Man is a superhero.
"Iron Woman" is a sexist command
Putin steps away from the war room to use the restroom...
As he sits he hears alarms and red flashes fill the bunker. He hears his men running around and without hesitation he jumps up, pulls up his pants and runs our to see what the commotion is.
He asks the next in command the situation: "ICBM Mr President!"
Putin replies "I WAS IN A HURRY, I DIDNT WIPE!"
A dumb scientist is experimenting on a fly...
He pulls one leg off and says 'Fly, walk'. The fly walks.
He pulls the second leg off and says 'Fly, walk'. Again, the fly walks.
He continues until he gets to the last leg. Pulling it off, he says 'Fly, walk'. The fly does not walk. He repeats the command, but the fly does not shift a millimetre.
He scribbles down 'After removal of the 6th leg, the fly has become deaf'
A drill sergeant was drilling the recruit squad in the use of the rifle
Everything went smoothly until blank cartridges were distributed.
The recruits were instructed to load their pieces and stand at the ready, and then the sergeant gave the command:
"Fire at will!"
Private Lunn was puzzled. He lowered his gun.
"Which one is Will?", he asked.
