Command Jokes

89 command jokes and hilarious command puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about command that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Feeling techy? Make light of your command line knowledge with these hilarious jokes about Command Prompts, Unix Commands, and more! From humorous Corporal jokes to puns on economy, get ready to be the life of the party with these command jokes!

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Funniest Command Short Jokes

Short command jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The command humour may include short console jokes also.

  1. What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? The first is a super hero, the other is simply a command.
    PS: It's a joke, women are awesome.
  2. What's the difference between iron-man and iron woman? one is a superhero and the other is a command.
  3. AMA: I am a submarine naval commander discharged for friendly fire in an underwater sea battle Oops, wrong sub.
  4. Why will button controlled remotes always be better than voice command? It goes without saying.
  5. I don't understand... God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and yet my wife can have 152 just for our house.
  6. If you hear a supernatural voice in your head telling you to destroy statues of the Ten Commandments, you might be mentally ill. But if the voice tells you to create them instead, you might be Moses.
  7. How is working in I.T. like being a wizard? You command vast powers beyond the scope of smaller minds, but to them all you do is wiggle your fingers and stuff just happens.
  8. Earliest-known Ten Commandments tablet sells at auction for $850000 Bumping Apple off the top spot for most expensive mobile device without a headphone jack.
  9. When I was in the army our commanding officer always made decisions based on the way our whole unit felt. I kind of miss him. Good ol' General Consensus.
  10. Did you hear that there's now an 11th commandment? Thou shall not COVID thy neighbor's wife.

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Command One Liners

Which command one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with command? I can suggest the ones about terminal and task.

  1. What's The Donald's favourite keyboard shortcut? Command Alt Right.
  2. What date is also a command? March 4th.
  3. What do you call a virus that affects the command line? Terminal Illness
  4. What do you call an Army Commander who is covered in pepper? A seasoned veteran
  5. Iron Man is a superhero. "Iron Woman" is a sexist command
  6. What is a gay man's favorite DOS command? C:
  7. My commander told me he didn't see me at camo practice. I said "Thanks."
  8. Cats can learn up to 50 different words and commands They just don't want to
  9. Iron Man is a super hero... Iron woman is a command.
  10. My dog only responds to commands in Spanish He's Espanyol
  11. Today is a military command: March Fourth!
  12. Moses opens his tablet. The notification says, "You have 10 unread commandments'.
  13. A commander walks into a bar... And orders everyone around.
  14. What is it called when Barry Allen commandeers a car. A Flash Drive.
  15. What is a succubus's favourite keyboard command? Ctlr+D

Command Line Jokes

Here is a list of funny command line jokes and even better command line puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Chuck Norris doesn't use GUI, he prefers the command line.
  • What's a gay man's favourite command line? C: ENTER
  • What command is most often given on the gay tech support hot line? C:

Command Prompt Jokes

Here is a list of funny command prompt jokes and even better command prompt puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • The command prompt was... ...the precursor
Command joke, The command prompt was...

Quirky and Hilarious Command Jokes to Let the Chuckles Begin.

What funny jokes about command you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean controller jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make command pranks.

"Who was the Windows programmer's favorite hip-hop group?"

(I came up with this one at work after repeatedly opening the command prompt. Not sure if it's been said before, but I hope you enjoy!)

LAPD Sent to Train Iraqi Police, Find Weapons of Mass Destruction

Within 2 months of being in Iraq to help train Iraqi Police recruits the LAPD sent the following message up to Army command:
It's over. We have weapons of mass destruction, need guidance on who we are supposed to find them on.
Edit* changed were to are

Slinging puns at my best friend

So my best friend from high school is a Marine. The other day, he was promoted to Corporal.
So I told him "Treat your privates right. Also, the men under your command, treat them right too."

After joining the submarine forces of the Navy, I was guaranteed that I would be stationed on a nuclear-powered submarine by an Admiral.

Unfortunately, when I received my order I found out that my post would be a navigator on a Diesel-powered sub with no nuclear capability.
When I approached my command to complain, I was told that this happened all the time and would soon sort itself out - a moderator would soon move my post to the correct sub.

Going on a Bachelor party cruise

I was getting ready to go on a cruise for my best friends bachelor party and told Voice command Cell girl to "Remind me about power s**... for bachelor party". Later that night my wife asked if we had purchased an extra cruise ticket or if the cruise line was going to throw in the power stripper.

I accidentally muted the command switch on my driverless car...

...well, it goes without saying.

What is the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

The first is a super hero, the second is a simple command.

Who is the commander of cheese?


Two Norwegian scientists were operating on a frog....

They taught it to jump on command. When they said "Jump!" it leaped forwards.
They removed one rear leg and said "Jump!". The frog leaped forwards.
They removed the other rear leg and said "Jump!", but nothing seemed to happen.
After much discussion they could conclude that if you remove both rear legs from a frog, it becomes deaf.

"Punchline" is not an internal or external command. Attempting a continue...
C:\Windows\System32\ taskkill /IM joke.exe

I once had a dog, that no matter what I tried to teach him, he only ever learned the the command "shake".

He had Barkinson's disease.

Who is second in command in the kitchen at a Native American owned restaurant?

The Sioux chef

A group of scientists run an experiment on a frog

They teach it to jump on command by using flies as treats. Now when they say "Jump" the frog jumps.
Then they chop off one leg. They say "Jump" and the frog jumps in a crooked path. So far so good.
Finally, they chop off the other leg. They say "Jump" and the frog does not jump.
It has been concluded that frogs cannot hear without their legs.

My boss promoted me to the role of pilot in command...

He said I was going places.

Following my wife's guidance, I accepted the biblical command to be moderate in all things.

I struggled. Then I decided to add "moderation" to my list. Now everything seems back to normal.

I heard President Trump is a really good COD player.

Apparently he can tomahawk from across the map on command.

What's a Republican's favorite keyboard command?


The Third Commandment

"Don't believeth everything thou readst on the Internet"

A Scientist is with his peer

The peer asks the scientist, "What are you working on?"
The scientist says, "Its amazing. I taught a dog how to communicate to humans with morse code!"
The two walk down the hall to see the dog and the scientist gives the dog a command. The dogs taps his paw on the ground with intervals of time creating letters in morse code.
The peer says, "What is he saying?"
The scientist says, "Woof."

What do you call a school where you go to learn how to f**... on command?

An Institute

What will the Sith call the earth when they invade and take command?

The Force r**...

What are the 10 commandments in Australia?

High command asked a new recruit:

"What do you want to be in the army?"
And they sent him to preparatory courses, but they did not like him and told him he would never become a pilot.
So he went to the committee again.
"Where do you want to be in the army?"
"Air defence!"
"If I can't be a pilot, no one else can!"

Happy Command Day!

March forth.

A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.

A man is caught fishing illegally for lobsters.
He has two in his boat when the police approach him.
The man claims he's not poaching them and they are his pet lobsters, he's just taking them for a swim.
"I let them play in the water for a few minutes but when I whistle they come back to me."
So the police let him place the lobsters in the water and command the man to call them back.
"Call who back?"

I once met a wizard...

I once met a wizard who could on command spout saturated hydrocarbons from his hand that would instantly catch fire.
He was a master of alkane magic.

Women command respect and no one should ever say "you're such a b$&@#"...

instead try "you're not usually so b$&#@y!"

Some pesky insects into my house today. I told them to "git out" and they scared me by speaking.

They said, "git: 'out' is not a git command. See 'git --help'"

What would God's 10 commandments be called in 2018?

Top 10 Commandments from God©

The commander at the Venus space station told his Flight Engineer

I want this issue resolved next year, not tomorrow!

where did Commander Waterford get a cold sore?

Under his eye

Why did the corn command a regiment?

It was a kernel

What did the commander say to his crusaders before they fell asleep?

Knight, knight

Genie, I wish to use my first wish...

...your wish is my command, you used your first wish. Now you have two left

Why was William afraid to join the army?

He was scared of the command fire at will

Know what command Syberia gives that makes her a good policewoman during winter?


What is a viable command for both your dog and your wife?


A man joins the mob and becomes the personal assistant to the Godfather

One day he receives a text message from the boss. "I've been having problems with my wife. Please pull the plug and then call someone in to take care of the matter."
The man knows better than to question the Godfather, so he dutifully carries out the command. He shoots the boss's wife, and then calls in the clean up crew.
But a short while later, he receives another message. "s**... autocorrect. I meant wifi."

Today's the Command Day

March Fourth

What did the commander say to his troops?

March 4th

The voice command system of my driverless car stopped working days ago.

It goes without saying..

Difference between iron man and iron woman is that

one of it is a super hero and other one is just a command.

A medieval astrologer prophesied to a king that his favorite mistress would soon die.

Sure enough, the woman died a short time later. The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman's death. He summoned the astrologer and gave him this command: "Prophet, tell me when you will die!"The astrologer realized that the king was planning to kill him, immediately, no matter what answer he gave. So he said, finally, "I do not know when I will die. I only know that whenever I die, you will die three days later."

Why do Mac owners think they are superior?

Because they need to command everything.

We all know the story about Eve eating the apple in the Garden of Eden...

But God also forbade Eve from bathing in the nearby river. One day God came down from heaven to find Eve disregarding his command, washing herself in the river.
God put his hands on his hips and shook his head. "d**...! I'm never going to get that smell out of the fish."

When Noah's Ark settled safely after the flood, he opened the doors and commanded the animals, Go forth and multiply."

All the animals departed from the Ark, except for two snakes in the back. Noah proclaimed again, Go forth and multiply, but the snakes stayed put. Perturbed, Noah asked them, Why have you not followed my command?
* We can't multiply. We're Adders. *

A spy has infiltrated an enemy military base in search of i**... weapons. His coordinates for the expected weapons are a little off and he ends up in the ventilation shaft above the toilets. Command contacts him and asks if he's found anything incriminating yet.

He replies hastily.. Well, possibly something biological and I don't see any missiles but.. I C BMs.

Roman Sailors

Roman sailors always replied to a command by saying, "2, sir".

Why did Lt. Commander Data get arrested?

Because he was being charged with a battery.

So, I had a commanding officer from Australia

Of course I used this fact to make stereotypical jokes and stuff.
He seemed rather calm towards it.
But two weeks later I realised I'm only one who was transfered between different squads.
And they were:

A divine mathematical story

After creating the world, the Lord looked at it and he said to the animals "Go forth and multiply!"
The snakes came to him and said "Oh Lord, please forgive us, we cannot do as you command, for we are adders".
The Lord turned to the trees and said "Fall over and build furniture from your trunk, because adders can multiply with the aid of log tables".
Words of the Lord of math.

What is difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

One is a super hero other is a command

Putin steps away from the war room to use the restroom...

As he sits he hears alarms and red flashes fill the bunker. He hears his men running around and without hesitation he jumps up, pulls up his pants and runs our to see what the commotion is.
He asks the next in command the situation: "ICBM Mr President!"
Putin replies "I WAS IN A HURRY, I DIDNT WIPE!"

A dumb scientist is experimenting on a fly...

He pulls one leg off and says 'Fly, walk'. The fly walks.
He pulls the second leg off and says 'Fly, walk'. Again, the fly walks.
He continues until he gets to the last leg. Pulling it off, he says 'Fly, walk'. The fly does not walk. He repeats the command, but the fly does not shift a millimetre.
He scribbles down 'After removal of the 6th leg, the fly has become deaf'

A drill sergeant was drilling the recruit squad in the use of the rifle

Everything went smoothly until blank cartridges were distributed.
The recruits were instructed to load their pieces and stand at the ready, and then the sergeant gave the command:
"Fire at will!"
Private Lunn was puzzled. He lowered his gun.
"Which one is Will?", he asked.

Command joke, A drill sergeant was drilling the recruit squad in the use of the rifle

jokes about command