Coming Jokes

My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila.

You're coming home now! she screamed.

No, I'm not, I laughed.

She said, I'm talking to the kids.

Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween

I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their door.

Girl: "Come over"

Guy: "I'm coming over"

Girl: "We should stop using walkie talkies in bed, over."

Remember, If your apartment is hit by a dolphin, DO NOT GO OUT TO SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OKAY

That's how the hurricane tricks you into coming outside.

I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5...

‎...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.

I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old?"

Taylor swift waved at a boy yesterday

But he didn't wave back... So she will have a new album coming out tomorrow.

Sick day.

A man calls his boss and tells him he won't be coming in to work today because he's not feeling well. The boss says, "Well we really need you today. Whenever I'm feeling sick I tell my wife to give me a b**.... Works every time. Why don't you try that and then see how you feel."

He calls back an hour later and says, "Just letting you know, I'm on my way to work. I feel great now. And by the way, you have a nice house."

Why did the snowman take his pants off?

He heard the snow blower was coming.

A man stumbles into his house early in the morning...

after a night of partying and heavy drinking, just as the sun is coming up. His wife is waiting for him at the kitchen table, glaring at him.

"Is there a reason you're coming home at 6 in the morning with alcohol on your breath, lipstick on your collar?" She shouts at him.

"Yes there is," he replies.
"I would like some breakfast"

What happened?

A passerby saw a man laid flat on the sidewalk in front of the local beauty shop and ran to offer assistance. As the man came blinking into consciousness, the passerby asked, What happened?

The man rubbed the back of his head and said, I don't know! Last thing I remember, my wife was coming out of the salon there and I said, Well, at least they tried.

Last day of work...(n**...)

I called my boss and asked him "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?" Just as he was about to reply I cut him off and said "I'm not coming in this morning."

Little Johnny walks in on his parents having s**........

his father sees him, but instead of saying anything, he gives Johnny a huge grin and thumbs up, then starts to really give it to the old lady. The next night, the father gets up to go to the restroom, and he hears noises coming from Johnny's room. He looks in the door, and Johnny is on top of his grandmother, really giving it to her. Johnny looks at his father, gives him a grin and says, "not so funny when it's your Mom, is it?"

Is Google a woman?

I can't even finish a sentence without it coming up with other suggestions.

Marriage, the real story

A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies,

"I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year."

Why wouldn't the airline allow the vulture to board his flight?

#Because of the horrible stench coming from his carrion luggage.

*I deserve any and all insulting comments I will get for this joke, I make no excuses for myself and should probably be ashamed.*

*

Whoever stole my Microsoft Office, I'm coming after you...

You have my word

Maturbating when hooked up to a heart monitor really gets the nurses running around. They never know if you are coming or going.

Mars and NASA

Mars: Come over

NASA: You're 33.9 million miles away

Mars: I'm wet

NASA: I'm coming over

When I was young, my mum used to put food on a spoon

When I was young, my mum used to put food on a spoon and say, "There's a train coming. There's a train coming." We'd always eat it because we knew that if we didn't she wouldn't untie us from the railway line.

Money or s**...

A woman preparing to leave her husband casually informs him, "I'm going to become a h**.... I can make $400 for what I give you for free."

"I'm coming with you," the man replies. "I want to see you live on $800 a year."

I'm getting a little tired of these people coming to my door telling me I need to be "saved" or "I'll burn"...

s**... firefighters.

My mom dropped this one on me

Mom and I, her 27-year-old son, had had an argument about my clothes. She pointed to a hole in my shirt and said, "There's a big hole in your shirt!"

I responded, "Yeah? Well there's a big hole in your face and dumb things keep coming out of it," pointing to her mouth.

Without a pause, she snaps back, "Not nearly as dumb as the thing that fell out of my other hole 27 years ago."

So the invisible man m**... the other day

No one saw him coming.

A blonde woman walks into a library

A blonde woman walks into a library and talks to the lady at the front desk and says " I'll have a cheeseburger, a large fry, and a pepsi."

The lady replies "Ma'am, this is a library."

The blonde looks around, then whispers " I'll have a cheeseburger, a large fry, and a pepsi."

(Credit goes to my dad for this one. He had another one that I can't remember but once I do I'm coming back to post it)

I think Google's a woman...

Because it won't let you finish a sentence without coming up with other suggestions.

Welcome to the s**... Innuendo Club

Thank you all for coming.

i wonder if...

a receptionist at a s**... bank ever says "thanks for coming"

I can hear music coming out of my printer...

I think the papers jammin' again

My wife phoned me, panting and breathless.

"Where are you?" she moaned.

"I'm at the pub." I replied.

She said, "I think the baby's coming!"

I said, "Well, he won't get in. He's underage."

My girlfriend is kind of like a ninja attack..

They're two things I'll never see coming.

(I've never been so proud of myself for writing a joke)

My daughter walked into our bedroom to catch us having s**....

"What are you doing?" she asked in shock.
"Making you someone to play with," I said.
"A brother?" she asked excitingly.
"No, a cousin," I replied. "Now go and watch out for your mother coming home."

I, for one, support these crazy killers dressing up like clowns.

It was a lot harder to see them coming when they were dressing like cops.

After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery.

Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.

I thought you were a ghost, says the relieved teen.

What are you doing working so late?

Oh, those idiots, grumbles the old man. They misspelled my name!

A woman was robbed...

...but upon coming home she discovered that nothing was stolen apart from her lightbulbs.

She was delighted

Mars: I'm wet...

NASA: I'm coming!

I like my women like I like my cigars

7 years old and coming from Cuba in a burlap sack

If I owned a race horse, I would name it My Face

Just to hear the crowed chant "COME ON! COME ON MY FACE!"

"...and here comes My Face coming up from the rear!"

-Credit goes to my mother
-

The police have just released my mother-in-law after questioning her about the m**... of her husband.

They only spoke to her for 2 minutes before coming to the conclusion he committed s**....

"Dead or alive, you're coming with me."

Great movie quote, terrible pickup line…

Today I realized I have a bit of a logic f**.......

I can't stop coming to conclusions.

When Christmas was coming up, my kids asked for a puppy. When I got them one, they cried for days...

I'll just get a turkey next year like normal.

I phoned my boss.

I said, "I'm not coming in today. I've got chickenpox."

He said, "Don't give me that!"

I said, "I won't. I'm not coming in."

I asked my boss "what's the difference between your wife and tomorrow?"

"I'm not coming in tomorrow"


Haven't seen this one here so if it's been posted before I'm sorry

A majority of English Speakers do not know the opposite of these words...

Always, Coming, From, Take, Me, Down.

I kind of understand where anti-vaxxers coming from.

They were surely vaccinated as children, and look how r**... they turned out to be.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a pint, the second orders half a pint, the third orders a quarter pint. The bartender interrupts them, You guys need to learn your limits. Two pints, coming right up!

A cop just stopped me for jaywalking and then tasered me after exchanging a few words...

Police: Turn around.

Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round...

Police: TURN AROUND!!

Me: BRIGHT EYES, Every now and then I fall apart. And you I need you now tonight, and I need you more than ev--AHHHHHH!

What has 4 legs and 1 arm?

A Pitbull coming from the childrens play ground

How did h**... keep his shoelaces from coming untied?

Little knotsies.

A guy looking to get fired calls his boss and says, Hey boss, what's the difference between your daughter and tomorrow?

I'm not coming in tomorrow.

I wanna do stand up comedy on a gay cruise...

...so I can open with: "Hey, everyone. Thanks for coming out."

We, the taxpayers, keep paying to send Trump on very expensive trips overseas.

It might be worth it too, except he keeps coming back.

Last night I woke up, startled, to a female's voice coming from my desktop. Hello, it said, It's me.

Upon further inspection,
I realized it was just
a Dell.

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She replies, "I'm off to New York City. I read that prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."

Later, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
"Where are you going?" she asks

"I'm coming with you. I want to see how you live on $800 a year"

Father: Son you were adopted

Son: I knew it I want to meet my real parents

Father: We are your real parents your new ones are coming in 20 minutes

BJ for Sore t**...

"You don't look so good today, Bambi," said Barbie.

"You're right," said Bambi. "I feel like I'm coming down with something. My t**... really hurts."

Barbie suggested, "You know, whenever I have a sore t**... I give my husband o**... s**... and the next day I feel great."

Bambi carefully considered this. The next day Barbie noticed that Bambi looked better.

"You look much better today. Did you take my suggestion?"

Bambi replied, "I sure did. It worked great. And your husband just couldn't believe that it was your idea!"

I've just discovered that I have a logic f**....

I can't stop coming to conclusions.

I got fired from the s**... bank

I can't figure out why, it might have been that every time someone left I said "Thank you for coming"

A vampire m**... in front of a mirror

Bet you didn't see that coming.

After trick-or-treating on Halloween, a teen takes a shortcut through a cemetery.

Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man chipping away at a headstone. "I thought you were a ghost," says the relieved teen. "What are you doing working so late?" "Oh, those idiots," grumbles the old man. "They misspelled my name!"

Girl: Come over

Guy: I'm coming over

Girl: We should stop using Walkie-Talkies in bed over

Did you know most people don't know the opposite to these words?

1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down

My roommate is into auto-e**... asphyxiation, but he's also suicidal.

I can never tell if he's coming or going.

A horse walks into a bar

And orders a beer. The bartender looks confused but pours him a cold one:

- That'll be $25.

The horse opens his wallet, pays and start drinking. The bartender is still in awe and says:

- You see, we don't really have many horses coming in here.

To which the horse replies:

- With prices like these, I'm not surprised.

My girlfriend broke up with me for being too un-American

I saw it coming from a kilometre away

Wife said the grandkids were coming over for the first time..I spent five hours child-proofing the house.

They still got in.

A deer enters a bar...

A deer enters a bar and sits by the bartender. "Whatever's on tap, and keep them coming. I lost a patient today."

The bartender brings over a drink and says, "That's really rough. But I've never met a deer that's a medical practitioner. How did that happen?"

The deer replied, "Well I came from a impoverished part of the forest. It was difficult to get food, difficult to get water, and difficult to find shelter. Nothing came with ease, that's for sure."

"And a deer with no ease becomes a dr."

Dear algebra, stop asking us to find your x

She's not coming back. And don't ask y.

How to make Americans take vaccines

Tell them immigrants are coming to America to take all their vaccines.

My girlfriend just broke up with me for being too unamerican..

..but honestly I saw it coming from a kilometer away.

A man goes to the white house and asks to talk to president Trump.

A guard tells him that Trump is no longer president. The man then leaves.

The man comes back the next day and again asks to speak to president Trump. The guard says "like I already told you he is no longer president".

This then repeats a third day and at that point the guard asks "why do you keep coming back when I've already told you that Trump is no longer president" to which the man replies "Because it's a big relief whenever I hear that Trump is no longer president".

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.

Where the h**... do you think you're going? he says.

I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a b**... there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free.

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well.

Where do you think you going? the wife asks.

I'm coming with you…I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!

My 10 y/o son told me this.

Him: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: Why?
Him: To find the idiot.
Him: Knock knock
Me: Who's there?
Him: The chicken...

I saw it coming with the knock knock joke but it made me laugh.

So a cowboy parks his horse at the saloon, ties him to the outside, kisses him on the a**..., and walks in to have a stiff drink.

The bar keeper saw this happen, and he just had to ask. "Why'd ya kiss your horse on the a**... before coming in? You got s**... all over your lips!" The cowboy, cool as can be, takes a stiff drink before answering. "It's 'cuz I got chapped lips." The bartender was even more confused; "Horse manure helps with chapped lips?"

"Nah," says the cowboy. "But it keeps me from lickin' 'em"

A plane carrying Donald Trump made an emergency landing in New Orleans after alleged engine failure over the Gulf of Mexico.

Turns out there was just a loud whine coming from the right wing.

There's a movie coming out soon about h**......

I can't wait to see the trailer.

79% of people don't know opposite words for the following:

1) Always
2) Coming
3) From
4) Take
5) Me
6) Down

Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X. Shes not coming back.

...and we don't know Y either.

Honda is coming out with the 1st electric vehicle with wireless charging

It's called the Honda Accordless

My daughter brought a friend from school and she said his great-great-great-great-grandfather was coming to pick him up later

I was impressed and asked: "Does he know how his so many greats grandfather lived for so long?"

My daughter answered: "It's because of my friend's stutter."

A woman got a pet parrot, but she was horrified to discover that all it did was say mean things and insult her.

Nothing she did could stop it.
She was especially worried because her whole family was coming over for Thanksgiving.

But when Thanksgiving dinner finally came, the parrot didn't say a word the entire time. After the meal, the Parrot turned to its owner and said, "Please forgive my behavior from before. I was entirely out of line."
"Wow," the woman said, "glad to hear it."

"If I may ask," said the Parrot, "what on Earth
did that turkey say to you?"

Two blondes and a bus

Two blondes are standing at a bus stop.

One asks the other:

"Which bus are you taking?"

"Number 1. And you?"

"Two."

The bus with the number 12 is coming. One of them says to the other:

"Look, we're going together!"

Judas: Hey Jesus, you coming to the last supper?

Jesus: the what?

Judas: the supper…I mean are you coming to the supper?

Saw my doctor today and showed him the bleeding coming out of my a**....

He completely ignored me, and carried on pushing his shopping basket in Walmart

Grandma saw on TV news that a car is driving against the traffic on the highway.

Remembering that grandpa is coming back home from the city on the same highway, she called him to warn him.

"Honey be careful driving, apparently there is a person driving in the wrong direction on the road."

"What do you mean a person?" Grandpa yelled, "Everyone is driving insanely today!"

The holidays are the most frightening time of the year for me.

I was a little dyslexic as a kid, and when I was a teen I started dabbling in the dark arts.

I think I sold my soul to Santa.

Every year when the jingle bells start ringing, I get nervous. It could be the elves coming for me.

I'm making a presentation about mutual m**...

It's really coming together

A Jewish woman wants her son to have a bris but her Christian husband is against it

She goes against his wishes and has a secret bris.

The husband shows up unannounced and everyone in the synagogue is in shock.

The mother gasps, "How did you know?!"

The father replies "I could see it coming a mohel away."

A pastor is looking forward to dinner with a family in his congregation….

After church on Sunday, the pastor approaches the family and confirms their dinner the coming Friday. After making small talk for a few minutes, the pastor turns to the couple's 5yo. Have your parents told you what they will be making for us on Friday?
The child thinks a second and replies, Goat.
The pastor squinted and exclaimed Goat?
As the parents are speaking up to clarify, the child cuts in loudly. Yeah, yesterday I heard Mommy tell Daddy that Friday is as good a day as any to have the old goat for dinner!

The Lord said to John: Come forth, and you shall receive eternal life!

John ended up coming fifth…

How do you spot the new guy at a n**... beach?

Is super easy. You can see him coming a mile away.

My brother is an immigration officer. He and I disagree on almost every topic…

…But he usually sees where I'm coming from.