Coming Jokes
171 coming jokes and hilarious coming puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about coming that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Enjoy a laugh with our list of funny jokes that have a “Coming” theme! From imminent homecomings to pineapples coming faster than buffalo, you'll be sure to come up with a chuckle.
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Funniest Coming Short Jokes
Short coming jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The coming humour may include short arrival jokes also.
- Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their door.
- Girl: "Come over" Guy: "I'm coming over"
Girl: "We should stop using walkie talkies in bed, over."
- Where do little jokes come from? Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke and then they knock knock.
- My girlfriend broke up with me for being too un-American I saw it coming from a kilometre away
- Remember, If your apartment is hit by a dolphin, DO NOT GO OUT TO SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OKAY That's how the hurricane tricks you into coming outside.
- My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila. You're coming home now! she screamed.
No, I'm not, I laughed.
She said, I'm talking to the kids. - I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?" I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
- Why does Kevin Spacey never get 1st place in races? Because he likes to come in a little behind.
- Reviews for Hogwarts Legacy are coming in. Most reviewers are giving it a 9 3/4 depending on the platform.
- A girl walks into a dry cleaner She drops off her dress and turns to leave. The owner says, "Come again!". She says, "No it was toothpaste this time."
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Coming One Liners
Which coming one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with coming? I can suggest the ones about present and future.
- New Teslas don't come with a new car smell They come with an Elon Musk.
- With great reflexes... Comes great response ability.
- "Dead or alive, you're coming with me." Great movie quote, terrible pickup line…
- On the perfect date, what question do you ask a girl twice? So... Can I come inside?
- How come ants don't get sick? ...because they have lil' anty-bodies
*runs away* - I can't come up with any jokes about cutting down trees. I'm stumped.
- Tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork… Think I nailed it!
- What has 4 legs and 1 arm? A pitbull coming from the childrens play ground
- Mars: I'm wet... NASA: I'm coming!
- Joe Biden is not my president!! At least not till January which won't come soon enough.
- If Gay people come out of the closet, who comes out of the kitchen? Pansexuals.
- What comes after USA joke USB
- What can Jello do that you can't? Come in 22 delicious flavors
- Why do Paedophiles never win races? They like to come in a little behind...
- Why did the snowman take his pants off? He heard the snow blower was coming.
Coming Soon Jokes
Here is a list of funny coming soon jokes and even better coming soon puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A friend asked me if I wanted to come to his house last week I told him I'll be there as soon as I boot up my time machine
- My ex is still angry with me for breaking her wheelchair I'm fine though, I know she'll come crawling back to me soon enough.
- A man broke his hand. He asked the doctor, "Will I be able to play piano as soon as the cast comes off?"
"Of course!" said the doctor.
The man replied, "Great. I never could before." - I've got a book coming out soon. Shouldn't have eaten it, really.
- I can never come up with shower thoughts.... As soon as the water hits me, I feel the pressure.
- Guys Trip to Vegas My wife asked me after our guys trip to Vegas if I had thought of her while I was there. Apparently, "only to keep from coming too soon" was not a very good answer.
- With elections coming soon, my coworker asked me who my favorite president was. I said JFK, because he's so open-minded.
- One day I'll learn how to be patient And that day can't come soon enough
- I'm writing a book about introverts. It's not coming out any time soon.
- To the "Remain" crowd in Britain... come to Canada! Half of the US is moving here soon anyhow.
Coming Of Age Jokes
Here is a list of funny coming of age jokes and even better coming of age puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I am 24 seconds older than my twin brother... ... whenever I come out of the toilet I start a sentence with "When I was your age...." then proceed telling him the details of my majestic creation.
- Even at my age, I can still turn a lot of heads. It's mostly to see where the smell is coming from though.
- A few years back I used to write jokes. I spent ages trying to make a boxing joke. I just couldn't come up with a punch line
- Women age like fine wines... The older they get, the harder they are to come by.
- Sometime in the Middle Ages Queen: come to bed
King: not until i have a name for my soldiers
Queen: k night
King: babe ur a genius
(Source: @fro_vo on Twitter) - Two middle aged women are in Boston's fish market on Friday. "I come here every Friday to get scrod!"
"I do too, but I didn't know it has a past tense." - I Enjoyed Your Joke, soue13, I've Also Come Up With One. At Age 25.. Did you guys hear about the dried grape at the party last night?
He was really RAISIN the roof! - With age comes wisdom... ...but sometimes age comes alone.
- With age comes Wisdom Unless you have Alzheimer's, now what was I going to say again?
- When it comes to age, women are a lot like wine. I mean, who doesn't love 16 year-old wine.
Coming Out Of The Closet Jokes
Here is a list of funny coming out of the closet jokes and even better coming out of the closet puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's a homophobic child's worst nightmare? A monster coming out of the closet
- Coming out of the closet would be a lot easier... if my wardrobe wasn't so fabulous!
- Why are monsters hipsters? Because they've been coming out of the closet since before it was cool.
- One of my favorite childhood memories is my father coming out of the closet... It was a huge surprise to me that not just *one*, but *both* my fathers were gay.
- Why does Mike Pence keep all of his clothes in drawers? Because he can't stand anything coming out of the closet.
- My wife said to come out of the closet already... I said stop buying so many cute dresses then.
- This moment when your husband comes into the bedroom... ... tells a joke, and the guy in the closet starts laughing.
- Have you heard about the movie, the closeted gay It hasn't come out yet
- The best way to fight claustrophobia is to Come out of closet
- Overhearing my ex... I once overheard my ex tell her best friend that I was a stalker.
Nearly made me mad enough to come out of her closet
and give her a piece of my mind.
Coming To America Jokes
Here is a list of funny coming to america jokes and even better coming to america puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- an old joke that comes from the 18th centuary The united states of America
- I really don't think Googles Pixel 2XL will sell that well in America however look out when the 4XL comes out as that will be a much better fit for the general public.
- Hey baby, are you the nuclear war between America and Russia? Because neither of us want to come first, but both want to fire
- America's favorite psychic Ms Cleo passed away No one saw this coming.
- Some say happiness in America is at an all time low, but I'm an optimistic... ... I think the worst is yet to come.
- What comes after America? Bmerica.
I'll see myself out - The NSA wants Edward Snowden to leave Russia. NSA: Hey Edward, you should really come back to America so we can talk.
Edward: I can't. I'm Snowden. - America has come out of labor It's a boy.
- What are Asians males when they come to America 4 in.
- Guns N Rose's are coming out with a new album Their calling it "Make America Wait Again"
Coming Home Jokes
Here is a list of funny coming home jokes and even better coming home puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- An electrician comes home late.... Wife: "Wire you insulate?"
Electrician: "Watts it to you? I'm ohm, aren't I." - A woman was robbed... ...but upon coming home she discovered that nothing was stolen apart from her lightbulbs.
She was delighted - Wife comes home from work. Wife: I left my job today, I couldn't work for that man after what he said to me.
Husband: So what did he say.?
Wife: "Katy, you are fired." - England is like a father to me. Both don't come home.
- A hot girl texted me "Come over, no one's home" So i went over...
And no one's home - I remember when I was a kid, I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips, 2 candy bars, 6 packs of now or laters, and an ice cold drink. Nowadays, they got cameras everywhere.
- I don't know why most people think a dogs life is so easy. Everytime I come home from work I ask my dog how his day went and he always says rough.
- My GF just called & said "nobody's home come on over" I went over - nobody was home
- First Day At School The child comes home from his first day at school.
His Mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow." - Husband: Grab some updog on your way home hon.. Wife: for the last time Greg, the kids an I are never coming back. Stop calling us, please...
Husband: not much, what's up with you?
Uplifting Coming Jokes to have Hilarious Fun with Friends
What funny jokes about coming you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bring jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make coming pranks.
A true work question
I texted my boss, "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?"
He answered, "I don't know."
I replied, "I'm not coming in this morning."
A weather report for you
I just got off the phone with a friend living in North Dakota near the Canadian Border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been coming down, it is nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
THAT'S NOT FUNNY, THAT'S SICK!
A clown and a little boy are walking through the woods. The boy says "it sure is dark and scary here". The clown says "how do you think I feel? I'm coming back alone".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5...
...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.
I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old?"
Taylor swift waved at a boy yesterday
But he didn't wave back... So she will have a new album coming out tomorrow.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Sick day.
A man calls his boss and tells him he won't be coming in to work today because he's not feeling well. The boss says, "Well we really need you today. Whenever I'm feeling sick I tell my wife to give me a b**.... Works every time. Why don't you try that and then see how you feel."
He calls back an hour later and says, "Just letting you know, I'm on my way to work. I feel great now. And by the way, you have a nice house."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My boss noticed I s**... before coming in to the office today
then he told me if i wanted to keep my job I would have to start keeping my pants on
A man stumbles into his house early in the morning...
after a night of partying and heavy drinking, just as the sun is coming up. His wife is waiting for him at the kitchen table, glaring at him.
"Is there a reason you're coming home at 6 in the morning with alcohol on your breath, lipstick on your collar?" She shouts at him.
"Yes there is," he replies.
"I would like some breakfast"
What happened?
A passerby saw a man laid flat on the sidewalk in front of the local beauty shop and ran to offer assistance. As the man came blinking into consciousness, the passerby asked, What happened?
The man rubbed the back of his head and said, I don't know! Last thing I remember, my wife was coming out of the salon there and I said, Well, at least they tried.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Last day of work...(n**...)
I called my boss and asked him "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?" Just as he was about to reply I cut him off and said "I'm not coming in this morning."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Johnny walks in on his parents having s**........
his father sees him, but instead of saying anything, he gives Johnny a huge grin and thumbs up, then starts to really give it to the old lady. The next night, the father gets up to go to the restroom, and he hears noises coming from Johnny's room. He looks in the door, and Johnny is on top of his grandmother, really giving it to her. Johnny looks at his father, gives him a grin and says, "not so funny when it's your Mom, is it?"
Two drunks are crawling on the railroad.
One says "I'm tired of climbing this ladder, when's our floor already?"
"No worries, I see an elevator coming."
A guy is laying in bed with his mistress...
- Shouldn't your husband be coming soon? Cause I'd rather not see him, he's my best friend after all...
- Don't worry, he won't be here before an hour.
At that moment, the phone rings. The woman answers : "Hi honey. Ok honey, yes honey. Bye Honey"
She hangs up and turns towards her lover :
- It was my husband, he'll be an hour late. He's playing pool with you.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Is Google a woman?
I can't even finish a sentence without it coming up with other suggestions.
Marriage, the real story
A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies,
"I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year."
Catholic girl goes into confessional
Catholic girl goes into the confessional & says to the priest,
"I think I am pregnant."
He asks, "How did this happen my child?"
"I think it must be the second coming," she replies.
The priest shocked by this statement asks, "What makes you think it
is the second coming?"
She replies, "Because I swallowed the first."
Why wouldn't the airline allow the vulture to board his flight?
#Because of the horrible stench coming from his carrion luggage.
*I deserve any and all insulting comments I will get for this joke, I make no excuses for myself and should probably be ashamed.*
*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Whoever stole my Microsoft Office, I'm coming after you...
You have my word
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Maturbating when hooked up to a heart monitor really gets the nurses running around. They never know if you are coming or going.
A Jewish man is in a car accident.
A Jewish man is in a car accident and is laying bleeding on the side of the road. A cop runs up, and rolls him on his back. He looks down on him and says, "the paramedics are coming. Are you comfortable?"
The Jewish guy say, "eh... I make a decent living."
Mars and NASA
Mars: Come over
NASA: You're 33.9 million miles away
Mars: I'm wet
NASA: I'm coming over
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Money or s**...
A woman preparing to leave her husband casually informs him, "I'm going to become a h**.... I can make $400 for what I give you for free."
"I'm coming with you," the man replies. "I want to see you live on $800 a year."
Why was the snowman smiling?
He saw the snowblower coming.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So the invisible man m**... the other day
No one saw him coming.
Studies show "not jokes" are coming back and are likely to be funnier than ever.
Not.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Welcome to the s**... Innuendo Club
Thank you all for coming.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
i wonder if...
a receptionist at a s**... bank ever says "thanks for coming"
I can hear music coming out of my printer...
I think the papers jammin' again
My wife phoned me, panting and breathless.
"Where are you?" she moaned.
"I'm at the pub." I replied.
She said, "I think the baby's coming!"
I said, "Well, he won't get in. He's underage."
I called my Sergeant this morning and said, "I'm not coming into work today."
"Why not?" he asked.
I said, "My wife is throwing up in bed and she hasn't ironed my uniform."
"That's no excuse!" he shouted.
I said, "I know, but try telling her that..."
My girlfriend is kind of like a ninja attack..
They're two things I'll never see coming.
(I've never been so proud of myself for writing a joke)
"Are you coming over?" "Yes, I'm coming over."
"We should probably stop talking using the radios, over."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My daughter walked into our bedroom to catch us having s**....
"What are you doing?" she asked in shock.
"Making you someone to play with," I said.
"A brother?" she asked excitingly.
"No, a cousin," I replied. "Now go and watch out for your mother coming home."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery.
Halfway across, he's startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.
I thought you were a ghost, says the relieved teen.
What are you doing working so late?
Oh, those idiots, grumbles the old man. They misspelled my name!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I like my women like I like my cigars
7 years old and coming from Cuba in a burlap sack
What do you call an Apple update you don't see coming?
An iPatch... I'm sorry...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
- Doctor, I want to live very old
- Do you drink?
- Never, only water.
- You smoke?
- Oh no, my body is a temple
- Do you have crazy nights out dancing while doing c**... and coming back home to have unprotected s**... with multiple partners?
- Never, I'm single and abstinent.
- I see. So could you explain me exactly why you want to live old?
If I owned a race horse, I would name it My Face
Just to hear the crowed chant "COME ON! COME ON MY FACE!"
"...and here comes My Face coming up from the rear!"
-Credit goes to my mother
-
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The police have just released my mother-in-law after questioning her about the m**... of her husband.
They only spoke to her for 2 minutes before coming to the conclusion he committed s**....
When Christmas was coming up, my kids asked for a puppy. When I got them one, they cried for days...
I'll just get a turkey next year like normal.
I phoned my boss.
I said, "I'm not coming in today. I've got chickenpox."
He said, "Don't give me that!"
I said, "I won't. I'm not coming in."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Are Gorillas s**...?
Of course, who else would complain about a 19$ drink but keep coming back to the same bar
I asked my boss "what's the difference between your wife and tomorrow?"
"I'm not coming in tomorrow"
Haven't seen this one here so if it's been posted before I'm sorry
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Last night a man attacked me.
Last night when i was coming home from work a man attacked me. He silently put the knife to my t**... with his hand covering my mouth.. I think that's it, I'm done. He takes out his business card, gives it to me and leaves. With a pounding heart and shortness of breath, I read it.
It said : *Self-defense courses.*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
We need to start giving hurricanes Arab names
Nobody is going to leave for Irma but if Muhammad was coming the whole country would evacuate
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I kind of understand where anti-vaxxers coming from.
They were surely vaccinated as children, and look how r**... they turned out to be.
A woman in labor yells...
"CAN'T! DIDN'T! SHOULDN'T!"
Her doctor says "Wow, these contractions are coming fast."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I Had A t**... With My Best Friend and His Girlfriend
After the first 45 minutes I told him, "I don't think she's coming."
A guy walks into a bar...
...and orders a steak. The guy behind the counter tells him it'll be $1.
"One dollar?! I've been coming to this bar every week for who knows how long, and it's always been $12! Where's Phil the owner?"
"He's upstairs with my wife."
"Well, what's he doing with your wife?"
"The same thing I'm doing to his business."
A cop just stopped me for jaywalking and then tasered me after exchanging a few words...
Police: Turn around.
Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round...
Police: TURN AROUND!!
Me: BRIGHT EYES, Every now and then I fall apart. And you I need you now tonight, and I need you more than ev--AHHHHHH!
A guy looking to get fired calls his boss and says, Hey boss, what's the difference between your daughter and tomorrow?
I'm not coming in tomorrow.
I wanna do stand up comedy on a gay cruise...
...so I can open with: "Hey, everyone. Thanks for coming out."
We, the taxpayers, keep paying to send Trump on very expensive trips overseas.
It might be worth it too, except he keeps coming back.
Last night I woke up, startled, to a female's voice coming from my desktop. Hello, it said, It's me.
Upon further inspection,
I realized it was just
a Dell.
Why don't kids play fortnite in school?
It's hard to make out where the gunshots are actually coming from
My friend is a gay midget, who finally decided it was time to tell his parents
I was so proud of him for coming out of the cabinet!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
BJ for Sore t**...
"You don't look so good today, Bambi," said Barbie.
"You're right," said Bambi. "I feel like I'm coming down with something. My t**... really hurts."
Barbie suggested, "You know, whenever I have a sore t**... I give my husband o**... s**... and the next day I feel great."
Bambi carefully considered this. The next day Barbie noticed that Bambi looked better.
"You look much better today. Did you take my suggestion?"
Bambi replied, "I sure did. It worked great. And your husband just couldn't believe that it was your idea!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I've just discovered that I have a logic f**....
I can't stop coming to conclusions.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got fired from the s**... bank
I can't figure out why, it might have been that every time someone left I said "Thank you for coming"
A penguin is driving to the mall...
All of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says fine, and walks across the street to the mall.
He kills time walking around the mall, does some window shopping, buys an ice cream cone, etc. Finally the two hours are up and he goes back to the mechanic.
The penguin says, "Have you had time to look at my engine?"
The mechanic says, "Yeah, it looks like you blew a seal."
The penguin says, "No, that's just ice cream."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these b**... with my elbow?...
"What, you're coming empty handed?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A vampire m**... in front of a mirror
Bet you didn't see that coming.
My ex just called and asked if she can sleep at my place because a stalker has been coming to her house at night.
So nice of her to save me the gas money.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My roommate is into auto-e**... asphyxiation, but he's also suicidal.
I can never tell if he's coming or going.
A horse walks into a bar
And orders a beer. The bartender looks confused but pours him a cold one:
- That'll be $25.
The horse opens his wallet, pays and start drinking. The bartender is still in awe and says:
- You see, we don't really have many horses coming in here.
To which the horse replies:
- With prices like these, I'm not surprised.
Are you smart enough to do this.
Say the opposite of these words.
Always.
Coming.
From.
Take.
Me.
Down.
Wife said the grandkids were coming over for the first time..I spent five hours child-proofing the house.
They still got in.
A deer enters a bar...
A deer enters a bar and sits by the bartender. "Whatever's on tap, and keep them coming. I lost a patient today."
The bartender brings over a drink and says, "That's really rough. But I've never met a deer that's a medical practitioner. How did that happen?"
The deer replied, "Well I came from a impoverished part of the forest. It was difficult to get food, difficult to get water, and difficult to find shelter. Nothing came with ease, that's for sure."
"And a deer with no ease becomes a dr."
A man goes to the white house and asks to talk to president Trump.
A guard tells him that Trump is no longer president. The man then leaves.
The man comes back the next day and again asks to speak to president Trump. The guard says "like I already told you he is no longer president".
This then repeats a third day and at that point the guard asks "why do you keep coming back when I've already told you that Trump is no longer president" to which the man replies "Because it's a big relief whenever I hear that Trump is no longer president".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.
Where the h**... do you think you're going? he says.
I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a b**... there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free.
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well.
Where do you think you going? the wife asks.
I'm coming with you…I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My 10 y/o son told me this.
Him: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: Why?
Him: To find the idiot.
Him: Knock knock
Me: Who's there?
Him: The chicken...
I saw it coming with the knock knock joke but it made me laugh.
Why did Santa stop coming down the chimney?
Because he became Claustrophobic.
I'll see myself out.
