coming Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious coming puns

Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween

I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their door.

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Girl: "Come over"

Guy: "I'm coming over"

Girl: "We should stop using walkie talkies in bed, over."

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Remember, If your apartment is hit by a dolphin, DO NOT GO OUT TO SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OKAY

That's how the hurricane tricks you into coming outside.

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My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila.

You're coming home now! she screamed.

No, I'm not, I laughed.

She said, I'm talking to the kids.

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I got turned down from my job interview for coming half an hour early

The porn industry can go fuck themselves for all I care.

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I asked my boss "what's the difference between your wife and tomorrow?"

"I'm not coming in tomorrow"


Haven't seen this one here so if it's been posted before I'm sorry

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Some people don't believe the allegations that Louis CK whipped his dick out...

...others saw it coming.

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"Dead or alive, you're coming with me."

Great movie quote, terrible pickup line…

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Marriage, the real story

A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies,

"I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year."

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My mom dropped this one on me

Mom and I, her 27-year-old son, had had an argument about my clothes. She pointed to a hole in my shirt and said, "There's a big hole in your shirt!"

I responded, "Yeah? Well there's a big hole in your face and dumb things keep coming out of it," pointing to her mouth.

Without a pause, she snaps back, "Not nearly as dumb as the thing that fell out of my other hole 27 years ago."

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A guy and his girlfriend are talking

Her: Come over.
Him: I'm coming over.
Her: We should stop using walkie talkies in bed, over.

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Money or Sex

A woman preparing to leave her husband casually informs him, "I'm going to become a hooker. I can make $400 for what I give you for free."

"I'm coming with you," the man replies. "I want to see you live on $800 a year."

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Why don't pedophiles ever win marathons?

They're always coming in a little behind.

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Whoever stole my Microsoft Office, I'm coming after you...

You have my word

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When Christmas was coming up, my kids asked for a puppy. When I got them one, they cried for days...

I'll just get a turkey next year like normal.

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Girl: "Come over"

Guy: "I'm coming over"

Girl: "We should stop using walkie talkies when we're having sex, over."

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If I owned a race horse, I would name it My Face

Just to hear the crowed chant "COME ON! COME ON MY FACE!"

"...and here comes My Face coming up from the rear!"

-Credit goes to my mother
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Did you hear about the pedophile that never could win a race?

He was always coming in a little behind.

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Did you know that the majority of people don't know the opposite of these words?

Always

Coming

From

Take

Me

Down

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A cop just stopped me for jaywalking and then tasered me after exchanging a few words...

Police: Turn around.

Me: Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round...

Police: TURN AROUND!!

Me: BRIGHT EYES, Every now and then I fall apart. And you I need you now tonight, and I need you more than ev--AHHHHHH!

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Girl: Come over

Guy: Im coming over

Girl: We should stop using walkie talkies in bed, over

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Is Google a woman?

I can't even finish a sentence without it coming up with other suggestions.

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Today I realized I have a bit of a logic fetish....

I can't stop coming to conclusions.

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Last day of work...(nsfw)

I called my boss and asked him "What's the difference between this morning and your daughter?" Just as he was about to reply I cut him off and said "I'm not coming in this morning."

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A majority of English Speakers do not know the opposite of these words...

Always, Coming, From, Take, Me, Down.

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How did Hitler keep his shoelaces from coming untied?

Little knotsies.

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Sick day.

A man calls his boss and tells him he won't be coming in to work today because he's not feeling well. The boss says, "Well we really need you today. Whenever I'm feeling sick I tell my wife to give me a blow job. Works every time. Why don't you try that and then see how you feel."

He calls back an hour later and says, "Just letting you know, I'm on my way to work. I feel great now. And by the way, you have a nice house."

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Welcome to the Sexual Innuendo Club

Thank you all for coming.

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Black Friday is coming up, so remember Retail language:

"Need help finding a size?" = Please stop fucking up my display

"I can put that back for you" = you're going to fuck up my display

"Let me hold your items for you" = So you dont leave this somewhere and fuck up a display

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What has 4 legs and 1 arm?

A Pitbull coming from the childrens play ground

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A man stumbles into his house early in the morning...

after a night of partying and heavy drinking, just as the sun is coming up. His wife is waiting for him at the kitchen table, glaring at him.

"Is there a reason you're coming home at 6 in the morning with alcohol on your breath, lipstick on your collar?" She shouts at him.

"Yes there is," he replies.
"I would like some breakfast"

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Maturbating when hooked up to a heart monitor really gets the nurses running around. They never know if you are coming or going.

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Little Johnny walks in on his parents having sex.....

his father sees him, but instead of saying anything, he gives Johnny a huge grin and thumbs up, then starts to really give it to the old lady. The next night, the father gets up to go to the restroom, and he hears noises coming from Johnny's room. He looks in the door, and Johnny is on top of his grandmother, really giving it to her. Johnny looks at his father, gives him a grin and says, "not so funny when it's your Mom, is it?"

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Mars: I'm wet...

NASA: I'm coming!

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Man arrives home at 7 a.m, with a heavy stench of whisky.

Wife: You bastard! I hope you have a damn good reason for coming home at 7 in the morning.

Husband: Of course I do.

Wife: Do tell!

Husband: Breakfast.

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What are the most funny Coming jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Coming? Well, here are the best Coming dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Coming pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes