Comfortable Jokes

Following is our collection of comfy puns and seats one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Comfortable jokes for adults, dirty home jokes and clean comfortable blonde dad gags for kids.

The Best Comfortable Puns

I was talking to a feminist today when she told me about the Dwayne Johnson Rule.

I'd never heard of it before but apparently in order to determine if a particular comment is appropriate to say to a woman, you should first ask yourself, Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson? If not, don't say it.

I thought this sounded like a great rule, so I told her, Your chest is epic.

Dr: "Mr Smith, your wife is comfortable."

Husband: "I thought she was in a coma and critical condition."

Dr: "She is, the nurses are using her as a beanbag."

"i used to be a Christian"

She said to her boyfriend, he replies "that's ok, I don't mind" relieved she says "oh that's great, I'm so much more comfortable being Christine"

A Jewish man is in a car accident.

A Jewish man is in a car accident and is laying bleeding on the side of the road. A cop runs up, and rolls him on his back. He looks down on him and says, "the paramedics are coming. Are you comfortable?"

The Jewish guy say, "eh... I make a decent living."

It confuses me why people feel comfortable with government surveillance as they have nothing to hide, so nothing to fear ....

….but get really scared when I ask them to take their clothes off.


Chinese Newlyweds

A Chinese couple just got married. It was their first night together as man and wife, and they had never had sex before. The wife was very nervous, and the husband just wants her to feel comfortable.


Husband: "We will do whatever you want."

Wife: "OK, I want to try 69"

Husband: "Oh, you want chicken with broccoli?"

My girlfriend kept insisting that I give her a ring...

It took a while to get comfortable with the idea \(it was a really big decision for me\), but finally I got enough courage to dial the number and have an actual telephone conversation with her.

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist...

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with.
The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses.

Stages of man's sexuality [OC]

1. Puberty: masturbating in secrecy and shame.
2. Early adulthood: comfortable masturbation in your room and some casual sex with strangers.
3. First serious relationship: wild sex all the time.
4. First years of marriage: steady and regular sex.
5. Marriage after children: masturbating in secrecy and shame.

Husband: Guests are coming tonight.

What's for dinner?

Wife:I am not well today, so there's only green beans.

Husband:No worry. I have an idea. When the guests arrives you'll welcome them and I'll go to the kitchen and drop one utensil and then you'll say "what happen" . Then I'll say "oh no!! I dropped the chicken " . Then again drop another utensil and say "I dropped the spaghetti. Now we only left with green beans."

*Guest arrives*
Wife: Welcome. Please make yourself comfortable.

* loud sound comes from the kitchen *

Wife: Everything alright, honey?

Husband: Sh**t. I dropped the beans.

A Jewish man gets hit by a car...

in the back of the ambulance on the way to the hospital the paramedic asks "are you comfortable?"

the Jewish man shrugs. "I make a living."


My kinda Dr.

a woman goes to a new gynocologist for the first time, for her annual pap smear. as the dr.is getting everything ready, and the woman is in the usual position, the dr. explains that there will be some discomfort. he then asks if she would like to numb the area first so she is more comfortable. she tells the dr. *yes please* and he then proceeds to bury his face between her legs and says...num num numnum...

I was filling my car with leaded gasoline wearing some comfortable aesbestos boots. As I popped a thalidomide pill into my mouth I thought...

"A government ban on assault weapons would never work..."

Adam and Eve eat the apple

of the forbidden tree, God sees this and is very angry, "Adam!" he says, "for what you have done from now on by the sweat of your brow you will eat your food...." "And you Eve...you will pay with *blood*

But you can pay me in comfortable monthly payments

I was laying on my SO's chest and commented on how comfortable it was...

And she hits me with a "It's like it's MAMMorey foam!" line. I was quite impressed.

Two old people...

Two old people sitting on a park bench. First guy says "hey I just got this new hearing aid. It's great! It's super comfortable, you can't even see it when I'm wearing it and it only cost me $160!"
"Wow, what kind is it?" Asks the other.
"About a quarter to one."

Why shouldn't you lie on your Resume?

It's less comfortable than your bed.

I bought a new sofa. Really comfortable.

So fa, so good.

(Well, at least it's OC :-) )

Hey, why don't you go slip into something a little more comfortable.....like a coma!!!!!


Why was the new lawyer not too fond of his work outfit?

He wasn't comfortable being in a lawsuit yet.

Heard about the statistician who liked to kick back with his feet in the oven and his head on a bucket of ice?

On the average, he was quite comfortable.

A joke from one of my friends who's an airline pilot

So he often says, right before take off "Ladies and gentlemen I'd like to thank you for choosing Jet Blue and would also like to thank the wonderful flight attendants for their professionalism and dedication to trying to make your flight as safe and comfortable as possible. However, you won't find any of those people on this flight. So sit back and please fasten your seat belts as we will shortly begin our ascent"

A jewish guy gets knocked over by a car...

A passer by runs over to check on him. He bundles up his coat into a pillow and places it under his head "Are you comfortable?" the stranger asks. He replies "Ach, I make a living."

Cr

I bet Ivanka Trump actually turned down a position in President Trump's cabinet

I mean how many women would feel comfortable working for a man who said they would screw their daughter.

A heavily pregnant woman goes into labor in a retail store.

A crowd gathers around her as people struggle to help, or at least make her comfortable.

Panicked a man looks around and asks "Is anyone here a doctor?!"

From the crowd steps a man wearing skinny jeans and a plaid shirt, with short, neat hair and a scruffy beard. "I'm a vegan!"

If, on any given Sunday, you took all the people who fall asleep during church and laid them down end to end

They would all be a lot more comfortable.

I'm not comfortable with my sexuality...

but luckily I have a discomfort fetish.

The doctor is trustworthy

Lady patient to the Doctor inside his examination room "Doctor can you please call my husband inside, I am not feeling comfortable. "

Doctor - "Trust me lady, I am a Doctor & I am a Gentleman.

Lady patient - "No that's not the issue.

Your receptionist is alone outside and my husband is neither a doctor nor a gentleman...

What's the most comfortable empire?

The Ottoman Empire.

And much like that one, I'll see myself out now.

A wife and husband are going on a road trip

After a few hours, the wife decides thay she is tired

Wife: Y'know honey, i think i might take a nap

The husband gives her a nod, and after putting her chair into a comfortable position for sleeping, she dozes off

A while later, she wakes up,and notices that they are completely off road and in some place she doesn't recognize

Wife: Where the hell are we!
Husband: I dont know, i just woke up Too

The time of year has finally arrived when the degrees outside are like shots of whiskey. . .

. . .I need about thirty more to be comfortable.

Why did the man break the clock?

He wasn't comfortable with having that much time on his hands.

A friend just asked me to be usher at his wedding.

I told him that I don't mind learning a few of his songs but I am really not comfortable blacking up.

Gentleman

Lady patient says to Doctor inside his examination room, Doctor can you please call my husband inside, I am not feeling comfortable.

Doctor - trust me lady, I am a gentleman.

Lady patient - no that's not the issue. Your receptionist is alone outside and my husband is not a gentleman.

I would assume spiders adapted pretty quickly to online learning.

After all, they were already comfortable on the web.

Why isn't the tagline for KY Jelly...

Slip into something more comfortable!

A Fairy Tale

After his daughter is cursed by the dark fairy, Maleficent, King Stefan summons his royal carpenters and commands them to make the finest, most comfortable bed in all the land.

"It will be done, Your Majesty," replies the master builder. "Does His Majesty prefer a queen or a king?"

"A king, since you asked," whispers Stefan, "…but don't tell that to the queen!"

Bill Cosby on a date: "Why don't you slip into something more comfortable..."

…like a coma.

Someone told me the best idea for a date...

Someone told me the best idea for a date was doing something you were both bad at, because it'd make you laugh at each other's awfulness and make you feel comfortable.

My girlfriend wasn't impressed when I suggested sex...

What's comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time.....

A public toilet seat.

Why do S and U feel comfortable sharing intimate details to the one next to them?

Because that's where loyal T lies.

How do you make a Welsh person comfortable while playing Scrabble?

Remove the vowels in his rack.

I never feel entirely comfortable leaving a music gig...

It's disconcerting.

Whiny prostitute

Why did the whiny prostitute feel she really needed to buy a house? So she could finally feel comfortable telling her parents she was a ho' moaner.

I had to break up with my cop girlfriend. We're both into BDSM...

but I'm not comfortable doing blackface

What's black, white, and comfortable to sit on?

A cowch.

I walked up to a girl in a bar. I said, "My girlfriend thinks I've gotten comfortable."

"She does?"

"Yes. Why don't you sit on my face and see if she's right?"

I was hiking with my buddy. Suddenly, a 10ft grizzly bear appeared out of nowhere.

The bear started to charge at both of us. Luckily, I had my 9mm pistol with me. One shot to my buddy's kneecap was all it took. I walked away at a comfortable pace.

I don't feel comfortable using the toilets at chinese restaurants....

because of the Peking duck.

Table

Woke up in the middle of the night to note down this one before I forgot it. :P

Sign outside furniture shop -
Come for table. Very comfortable.

A car hit a Jewish man.

The paramedic says, Are you comfortable? The man says, I make a good living.

I wanted to be a stand-up comedian.

But i realised a sit-down comedian was more comfortable.

Another jewish gag

An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and falls onto the pavement and lays there groaning in agony. A young man rushes up to help. He takes off his coat, folds it up into a pillow and as he gently places it under the old mans head he asks "Are you comfortable ?
The old man looks up into the guys kind eyes and says "Eh...I make a living"

I got a new couch...

...wasn't sure how comfortable it would be, but sofa so good!

With all these abortion jokes lately, I've realized I'm pretty torn on the whole issue...

I mean, killing babies is great and all, but I'm just really not that comfortable with letting women choose for themselves.

Did you know George III never even bothered to leave his couch during the American Revolution?

He was sofa king comfortable.

My career has many perks. For example, my company just sent me abroad.

I wasn't comfortable with it though, so I sent her back.

People are giving Robert Kraft a hard time for paying someone to give him a tug, but let's be honest...

Giving _yourself_ a tug isn't that comfortable when you've got 6 rings on.

This is a really nice place, roomy and comfortable. How much for rent?

Sir this is a liquor store

What's something you call little and comfortable ?

Microsoft.

What do you call a cocktail of vodka, orange juice, sloe gin, and southern comfort?

A slow, comfortable, screw.

First I wasn't really comfortable with the fact that I had cancer

But then it grew on me

My psychiatrist diagnosed me as having extreme Parthenophobia.

That explains why I'm not comfortable on 4chan.

I used to live in a timber yard

It was pretty comfortable. I always slept like a log.

A statistician had his head in the freezer and his feet in the oven...

And said, "On the average, I feel comfortable".

How do you know when a piece of bread is comfortable?

When it's nice and toasty!

I'm loving my new desk. It looks good and is at the perfect working height. I sat down, got myself comfortable and thought..

Yeah I could really get behind this.

What's united airlines new slogan?

Our seats are so comfortable, you won't want to leave.

Why do mexican kids feel so comfortable at school?

Because their dad built it and their mom keeps it clean.

A blonde asks the doctor: Can you catch aids in toilets?

Doctor: Yes you can, but there are more comfortable places.

My girlfriend is upset that I have trouble communicating with her...

It's just that I never felt comfortable confiding with my family.

I made my very first sheet cake and it tastes terrible!

Now my bed is not as comfortable either.

The secret to making schizophrenics feel comfortable is you must be Frank with them

And Also Adam

There is an abundance of homely jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 73 funniest jokes and comfortable puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any comfort witze you can hear about comfortable.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes