Comfortable Jokes
114 comfortable jokes and hilarious comfortable puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about comfortable that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Comfortable Short Jokes
Short comfortable jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The comfortable humour may include short pleasant jokes also.
- What do you call a mac 'n' cheese that gets all up in your face? Too close for comfort food!
- I got to a party and the host said, Make yourself at home , so I got comfortable. Turns out English was not his first language, and he was asking me to leave.
- My son asked me, Dad, can I eat the last piece of cake in the fridge? I smiled and said, Sure..." "But the dining room would probably be more comfortable.
- Dr: "Mr Smith, your wife is comfortable." Husband: "I thought she was in a coma and critical condition."
Dr: "She is, the nurses are using her as a beanbag." - After being seated at the restauarant, my server asked me; Comfortable sir? I replied, no, comeforfood.
- I have a friend who says that he hates all comforters. I told him that he shouldn't make blanket statements like that.
- My sister is moaning and screaming in her bedroom because she is sick. I'm happy that her boyfriend is there to comfort her.
- I found a stray cat today. Sadly, my dad is allergic to them so I had to put him down. At least I still have the cat for comfort.
- A Welshman died at the weekend... Friends say he died the way he would have wanted; comfortably in his sheep
- I want to say comforters are superior to quilts But I don't like to make blanket statements.
Share These Comfortable Jokes With Friends
Comfortable One Liners
Which comfortable one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with comfortable? I can suggest the ones about convenient and satisfactory.
- How do you comfort a sad non binary person ? They're/Their
- I'm going to make a blanket statement All comforters are comfortable
- Why did Thor sit comfortably on a cactus? He has an Asgard
...I'll see myself out - What's comforting and scary at the same time? A warm toilet seat.
- What do you say to comfort a friend struggling with grammar? There, they're, their...
- What did one homophone say to comfort the other homophone? Their, there, they’re.
- Why shouldn't you lie on your Resume? It's less comfortable than your bed.
- What is the Kraken's go-to comfort food? Fish'n'ships
- From my 8 year old: what's the most comfortable car? A comfortible
- As a musician I'm jealous sofas They can at least support a family of 4 comfortably
- I bought a new sofa. Really comfortable. So fa, so good.
(Well, at least it's OC :-) ) - Comfortable, sir? The waitress asked No, no I said, Come for food
- Saying a quilt and a comforter are the same thing... ..is just a blanket statement.
- What do you call a special needs sheep that got turned into a blanket? A down comforter.
- What's comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time..... A public toilet seat.
Ridiculous Comfortable Jokes to Spark Fun and Laughter
What funny jokes about comfortable you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean enjoyable jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make comfortable pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist...
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with.
The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.
The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent e**.... It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?"
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"Jesus loves you" can be very comforting words...
unless you hear them in a Mexican prison
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My kinda Dr.
a woman goes to a new gynocologist for the first time, for her annual pap smear. as the dr.is getting everything ready, and the woman is in the usual position, the dr. explains that there will be some discomfort. he then asks if she would like to numb the area first so she is more comfortable. she tells the dr. *yes please* and he then proceeds to bury his face between her legs and says...num num numnum...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Sunday Morning s**...
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having s**... would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the d**...." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Adam and Eve eat the apple
of the forbidden tree, God sees this and is very angry, "Adam!" he says, "for what you have done from now on by the sweat of your brow you will eat your food...." "And you Eve...you will pay with *blood*
But you can pay me in comfortable monthly payments
It's comforting to know that the US government works the same way as a college student when it comes to deadlines...
They both wait until the last minute, then get an extension.
Why was the woman so attached to her Dr. Scholl's gel insert?
It was her sole comfort.
Why did the man break the clock?
He wasn't comfortable with having that much time on his hands.
Two old people...
Two old people sitting on a park bench. First guy says "hey I just got this new hearing aid. It's great! It's super comfortable, you can't even see it when I'm wearing it and it only cost me $160!"
"Wow, what kind is it?" Asks the other.
"About a quarter to one."
I was laying on my SO's chest and commented on how comfortable it was...
And she hits me with a "It's like it's MAMMorey foam!" line. I was quite impressed.
Just saw a man crying because he doesn't know what a homophone is
To comfort him I sat next to him, patted his back and said, "They're, their, there..."
A comfortably old joke
A doctor runs a test on an elderly lady in the hospital and comes in to her room to read her the results.
"I have some bad news, and some more bad news. You have cancer, and you also have Alzheimer's disease"
The woman says "Well at least I don't have cancer."
I drank so much I blew Chunks
Jon : Oh Ted, I had a terrible night. I drank so much that when I got home, I blew chunks.
Ted: Hey, thats not so bad. At least you were in the comfort of your own home.
Jon: No, you dont understand. Chunks is my dog...
I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS.
I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back "I know."
In a hospital
A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation.
A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"
He said, "I heard the nurse say, It's a very simple operation, don't worry. I'm sure it will be all right."
"She was just trying to comfort you. What's so frightening about that?"
"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Stages of man's sexuality
1. Puberty: m**... in secrecy and shame.
2. Early adulthood: comfortable m**... in your room and some casual s**... with strangers.
3. First serious relationship: wild s**... all the time.
4. First years of marriage: steady and regular s**....
5. Marriage after children: m**... in secrecy and shame.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Many times when I am troubled or confused...
Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard and having a v**... Martini along with a quiet conversation with Jesus.
This happened to me again after a particularly difficult day. I said "Jesus, why do I work so hard?"
And I heard the reply: "Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather."
I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil."
And the reply was: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad".
I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked it. "Jesus," I said, "what is the meaning of life? Why am I here?"
He replied: "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you some more, Señor, but for now, I have to finish your lawn."
A Jewish man is in a car accident.
A Jewish man is in a car accident and is laying bleeding on the side of the road. A cop runs up, and rolls him on his back. He looks down on him and says, "the paramedics are coming. Are you comfortable?"
The Jewish guy say, "eh... I make a decent living."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call the kids claiming "We don't need no education"?
Comfortably Dumb
A heavily pregnant woman goes into labor in a retail store.
A crowd gathers around her as people struggle to help, or at least make her comfortable.
Panicked a man looks around and asks "Is anyone here a doctor?!"
From the crowd steps a man wearing skinny jeans and a plaid shirt, with short, neat hair and a scruffy beard. "I'm a vegan!"
Future rap name: 50 Bitcoin
That's all, the punchline was in the title; however, this sentence is here to comfort you and let you know that it's totally normal that you clicked to see if there was anything else.
Heard about the statistician who liked to kick back with his feet in the oven and his head on a bucket of ice?
On the average, he was quite comfortable.
Gabe Newell and Bill Gates should get together.
Not only would there be some epic games, they could comfort each other's inability to count.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Husband: Guests are coming tonight.
What's for dinner?
Wife:I am not well today, so there's only green beans.
Husband:No worry. I have an idea. When the guests arrives you'll welcome them and I'll go to the kitchen and drop one utensil and then you'll say "what happen" . Then I'll say "oh no!! I dropped the chicken " . Then again drop another utensil and say "I dropped the spaghetti. Now we only left with green beans."
*Guest arrives*
Wife: Welcome. Please make yourself comfortable.
* loud sound comes from the kitchen *
Wife: Everything alright, honey?
Husband: Sh**t. I dropped the beans.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm not comfortable with my sexuality...
but luckily I have a discomfort f**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I bet Ivanka Trump actually turned down a position in President Trump's cabinet
I mean how many women would feel comfortable working for a man who said they would screw their daughter.
I just got offered a new position at work that I need to consider.
I got called into my boss's office for standing around too much at work. He said "please take a seat."
I told him I'll have to think about it. While it gives me a lower profile in the company, I'll have a greater comfort level in what I'm doing.
A little girl in charlottesville cries after the violence she's seen, I try to comfort her: "There there...
it's alt right"
They say the inventor of yoga pants had comfort in mind
But I like to think he had posterior motives.
I've been married for 20 years,
and I still carry a photo of my wife in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties in life I stare at her picture, and it comforts me knowing that...
If I survived that long married to her, I can survive anything.
How NOT to cheer up your overweight girlfriend
My girlfriend was sad one day, and exclaimed "I look like a huge whale".
Being the compassionate caring man that I am, I said "no you don't, you're more like a medium-sized seal".
To my surprise she was not amused, or comforted.
A blonde and her husband are watching the news...
News: A Brazilian man died while skydiving when his parachute didn't open.
The blonde bursts into tears
Husband (comforting her): I know it's sad, but people need to know that there's a risk while skydiving.
Blonde: But that's a lot of people. How many is a Brazilian?
What's the most comfortable empire?
The Ottoman Empire.
And much like that one, I'll see myself out now.
The time of year has finally arrived when the degrees outside are like shots of whiskey. . .
. . .I need about thirty more to be comfortable.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A jewish guy gets knocked over by a car...
A passer by runs over to check on him. He bundles up his coat into a pillow and places it under his head "Are you comfortable?" the stranger asks. He replies "Ach, I make a living."
Cr
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My neighbors think I'm having s**... with a 3 year old.
I tried to explain it to them but they didn't seem comforted when I cleared up the fact that my German shepherd is actually 21 in dog years.
The doctor is trustworthy
Lady patient to the Doctor inside his examination room "Doctor can you please call my husband inside, I am not feeling comfortable. "
Doctor - "Trust me lady, I am a Doctor & I am a Gentleman.
Lady patient - "No that's not the issue.
Your receptionist is alone outside and my husband is neither a doctor nor a gentleman...
If, on any given Sunday, you took all the people who fall asleep during church and laid them down end to end
They would all be a lot more comfortable.
Children in florida during the hurricanes,
They all got free swimming lessons in the comfort of their home.
My first job out of high school was delivering fish...
I used to stand in the river, mopping the fish's head, and just comfortingly saying, "Deep breath, now push, push again, you're almost there..."
I was filling my car with leaded gasoline wearing some comfortable aesbestos boots. As I popped a thalidomide pill into my mouth I thought...
"A government ban on assault weapons would never work..."
My girlfriend kept insisting that I give her a ring...
It took a while to get comfortable with the idea \(it was a really big decision for me\), but finally I got enough courage to dial the number and have an actual telephone conversation with her.
BREWER: We're sorry to inform you Mrs. O'reilly that your husband drowned today at the Guinness factory
WIFE: Well at least give me the comfort in knowing it was a quick death
BREWER: well he drowned in only 15 minutes, short considering he got out of the keg twice to pee
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why isn't the tagline for k**... Jelly...
Slip into something more comfortable!
If you're ever lost in the woods, just look up at the sky for the North Star.
Its twinkling will comfort you as you die.
A friend just asked me to be usher at his wedding.
I told him that I don't mind learning a few of his songs but I am really not comfortable blacking up.
Why was the new lawyer not too fond of his work outfit?
He wasn't comfortable being in a lawsuit yet.
A stressed Referee goes to a psychologist
He breaks down in front of the doctor, complaining about feeling depressed, and loathed, always disappointing somebody no matter what he does. The doctor is highly sympathetic, and offers comfort - "It must be so hard, I'm glad you came to me. I can help" The doctor starts writing something on a piece of paper and says "Go to this address, and tell the optometrist I sent you".
A joke from one of my friends who's an airline pilot
So he often says, right before take off "Ladies and gentlemen I'd like to thank you for choosing Jet Blue and would also like to thank the wonderful flight attendants for their professionalism and dedication to trying to make your flight as safe and comfortable as possible. However, you won't find any of those people on this flight. So sit back and please fasten your seat belts as we will shortly begin our ascent"
I was talking to a feminist today when she told me about the Dwayne Johnson Rule.
I'd never heard of it before but apparently in order to determine if a particular comment is appropriate to say to a woman, you should first ask yourself, Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson? If not, don't say it.
I thought this sounded like a great rule, so I told her, Your chest is epic.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old man was walking down the street one day when he observed a small boy struggling to reach the doorbell at one of the houses.
The kindly old man said to the boy, Can I help you with that sonny?
At which point he smiled, placed a comforting hand on the boy's shoulder whilst pressing the doorbell firmly with his other hand.
There , said the old man, as he stepped back from the door. Now what do we do young man?
We run like h**... mister , the boy replied.
The World Wildlife Fund has stated that if humans keep fishing at the current pace, there will be no more fish left in the oceans by 2048.
Which is going to make it really difficult to comfort someone who is going through a relationship break-up.
Scientists say they may be able to synthesize a completely clean biofuel using the enzymes in finely shredded fungi, such as mushrooms...
Some critics have questioned the ethics of the process, but admit they are comforted by the researchers' strong Morel fibre.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A wife and husband are going on a road trip
After a few hours, the wife decides thay she is tired
Wife: Y'know honey, i think i might take a nap
The husband gives her a nod, and after putting her chair into a comfortable position for sleeping, she dozes off
A while later, she wakes up,and notices that they are completely off road and in some place she doesn't recognize
Wife: Where the h**... are we!
Husband: I dont know, i just woke up Too
Bill was lying on his death bed
His faithful wife at his side, comforting him. Bill weakly lifts his head and says "Honey, if this is it for me, I don't want you to be alone. You should marry Jake, across the street"
"I can't even think of anything like that right now," she responds. "But, Jake? I thought you hated him."
"I do."
What do you say to comfort your non-binary friends after they get misgendered?
Their their
A blonde arrives at work crying out loud
The boss asks worried what happened to her, to which she answers:
"I got a call this morning and found out my mother was dead."
The boss comforts her:
"Why don't you go home today to rest? We don't have too much work to do anyway."
The blonde refuses, saying that she better work to forget about the trouble.
Five minutes later the boss finds the blonde crying even louder.
"What else happened?" he asks her.
To which she responds:
"My sister just called and told me her mother died too."
It took my wife and I 30 years to figure out the most comfortable way for us to sleep
In two different houses
My mate left his wife
My best mate found out last week that he couldn't give his wife children.He left her in the middle of the night .
I went to see his wife today, I held her in my arms, comforting her, both of us crying.
"He didn't even leave a note." She sobbed."He wanted to, but couldn't." I wailed back.
"Why not?" She sniffed.
"He had no lead in his pencil." I replied.
I went to my tailor and asked if I could try on the suit in the window.
"Sure," he said, "but wouldn't it be more comfortable if you used the dressing room?"
I was told to get out of my comfort zone
So I started driving on the other side of the road
Not only I'm I uncomfortable, but so is everybody else
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife is p**... off at me...
She told me how unhappy she is with her c-section scar and I tried to comfort her. Apparently "honey, don't worry, your t**... will cover it up" was not the right answer.
Am i gay?
While watching movies with my girlfriend i sometimes compliment male actors on their good, and sometimes outrageous good looks. My girlfriend often asks me, since i do this alot, are you gay? and that she's worried i will leave her for a man. So, am i gay? Or am i just comfortable enough with my sexuality that i can appreciate the beauty of male aesthetics as well?
All this reflection got me thinking, and i had to reach out to my ex and ask if he ever had the feeling that i was gay, turns out, he didn't!
The doctor said to me, we need to talk about your weight.
I said, well it was about 25minutes but the chairs are quite comfortable.
A man went to a restaurant.
A man went to a restaurant and sat down on a table.
The waiter came and asked - Comfortable, sir?
The man replied - No, I come for food
A blonde and a brunette inherit their parent's ranch but they soon run into money trouble
The brunette says "I'll go to town to buy a bull to produce offspring then send you a telegram when I'm done."
So she gets the bull, goes to the telegram office but she only has enough money left for 1 word. She tells the man at the office to send the word "Comfortable" and he says she'll never know what that means.
So the brunette says "My sister's a blonde so she'll read the word very slowly: Com-for-tha-bull."
