Comfort Jokes
90 comfort jokes and hilarious comfort puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about comfort that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Read this collection of comfort jokes for a heavy dose of reassurance and profoundness. Discover the joy of humor without stepping too far out of your comfort zone. Enjoy the warm, caressing embrace of these jokes and their comfort food-like charm.
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Funniest Comfort Short Jokes
Short comfort jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The comfort humour may include short ease jokes also.
- What do you call a mac 'n' cheese that gets all up in your face? Too close for comfort food!
- I got to a party and the host said, Make yourself at home , so I got comfortable. Turns out English was not his first language, and he was asking me to leave.
- My son asked me, Dad, can I eat the last piece of cake in the fridge? I smiled and said, Sure..." "But the dining room would probably be more comfortable.
- Dr: "Mr Smith, your wife is comfortable." Husband: "I thought she was in a coma and critical condition."
Dr: "She is, the nurses are using her as a beanbag." - After being seated at the restauarant, my server asked me; Comfortable sir? I replied, no, comeforfood.
- I have a friend who says that he hates all comforters. I told him that he shouldn't make blanket statements like that.
- My sister is moaning and screaming in her bedroom because she is sick. I'm happy that her boyfriend is there to comfort her.
- I found a stray cat today. Sadly, my dad is allergic to them so I had to put him down. At least I still have the cat for comfort.
- A Welshman died at the weekend... Friends say he died the way he would have wanted; comfortably in his sheep
- I want to say comforters are superior to quilts But I don't like to make blanket statements.
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Comfort One Liners
Which comfort one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with comfort? I can suggest the ones about confidence and peace.
- How do you comfort a sad non binary person ? They're/Their
- I'm going to make a blanket statement All comforters are comfortable
- Why did Thor sit comfortably on a cactus? He has an Asgard
...I'll see myself out - What's comforting and scary at the same time? A warm toilet seat.
- What do you say to comfort a friend struggling with grammar? There, they're, their...
- What did one homophone say to comfort the other homophone? Their, there, they’re.
- Why shouldn't you lie on your Resume? It's less comfortable than your bed.
- What is the Kraken's go-to comfort food? Fish'n'ships
- From my 8 year old: what's the most comfortable car? A comfortible
- As a musician I'm jealous sofas They can at least support a family of 4 comfortably
- I bought a new sofa. Really comfortable. So fa, so good.
(Well, at least it's OC :-) ) - Comfortable, sir? The waitress asked No, no I said, Come for food
- Saying a quilt and a comforter are the same thing... ..is just a blanket statement.
- What do you call a special needs sheep that got turned into a blanket? A down comforter.
- What's comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time..... A public toilet seat.
Comfort Room Jokes
Here is a list of funny comfort room jokes and even better comfort room puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I went to my tailor and asked if I could try on the suit in the window. "Sure," he said, "but wouldn't it be more comfortable if you used the dressing room?"
Comfort Food Jokes
Here is a list of funny comfort food jokes and even better comfort food puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A man went to a restaurant. A man went to a restaurant and sat down on a table.
The waiter came and asked - Comfortable, sir?
The man replied - No, I come for food - What was Confucius' favorite comfort food? Macaroni and Qi.
Southern Comfort Jokes
Here is a list of funny southern comfort jokes and even better southern comfort puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Waddya get if you mix Canadian Club and Southern Comfort? What you most assuredly deserve
Comfort Zone Jokes
Here is a list of funny comfort zone jokes and even better comfort zone puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I was told to get out of my comfort zone So I started driving on the other side of the road
Not only I'm I uncomfortable, but so is everybody else - If you don't have the strength to stand up, remember that wipe begins at the end of your comfort zone.
- I recently stepped outside of my comfort zone. In other words, I departed McDonald's.
Entertaining Comfort Jokes to Laugh Out Loud Fun with Everyone
What funny jokes about comfort you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean compass jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make comfort pranks.
A man left a letter for his wife on the dining table
The letter read:
"To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset...I shall be home before midnight."
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
"My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach.
He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."
Statistician and bomb.
Found this on Raymond Smullyan's book "To Mock a Mockingbird". Hope you might like it.
There is the story of
a statistician who told a friend that he never took airplanes: "I
have computed the probability that there will be a bomb on
the plane," he explained, "and although this probability is low,
it is still too high for my comfort. " Two weeks later, the friend
met the statistician on a plane. "How come you changed your
theory?" he asked. "Oh, I didn't change my theory; it's just
that I subsequently computed the probability that there would
simultaneously be two bombs on a plane. This probability is
low enough for my comfort. So now I simply carry my own
bomb. "
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Sunday Morning s**...
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having s**... would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the d**...." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
It's comforting to know that the US government works the same way as a college student when it comes to deadlines...
They both wait until the last minute, then get an extension.
Why was the woman so attached to her Dr. Scholl's gel insert?
It was her sole comfort.
Comfortable
Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then decides to take their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "If I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, comfortable."
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you just write, comfortable?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's a slow reader."
Why did the holiday inn change its ne to comfort in?
Because the jehovah witness' dont do holidays and the doors are closer together.
At first, God created Adam...
But then a short while later, Adam started to get lonely, so he decided to go to God and let him know.
"God, I am very lonely, he said. I am in need of a companion"
"Well, how do you want your companion to be?" asked God.
"I want someone to care about me. Someone to help me sleep at night, and listen to what I have to say, and comfort me, and love me. I need someone who will be there for me and be honest with me and help me through tough situations, and would prioritise me over their personal needs. I just need someone who can make me happy."
"I can do that, but it will cost you an arm and a leg."
Adam pondered for a while.
"What can I get for a rib?"
Just saw a man crying because he doesn't know what a homophone is
To comfort him I sat next to him, patted his back and said, "They're, their, there..."
A comfortably old joke
A doctor runs a test on an elderly lady in the hospital and comes in to her room to read her the results.
"I have some bad news, and some more bad news. You have cancer, and you also have Alzheimer's disease"
The woman says "Well at least I don't have cancer."
My dad's favourite joke
A man was visiting his friend at his home when all the sudden, the visitor realised something odd.
"Why are you in your underwear?" asked the visitor
"For comfort, I'm at home after all" replied the man
"But why wear a tie?"
"Well, you never know when a visitor comes over"
I drank so much I blew Chunks
Jon : Oh Ted, I had a terrible night. I drank so much that when I got home, I blew chunks.
Ted: Hey, thats not so bad. At least you were in the comfort of your own home.
Jon: No, you dont understand. Chunks is my dog...
I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS.
I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back "I know."
In a hospital
A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation.
A nurse stopped him and asked, "What's the matter?"
He said, "I heard the nurse say, It's a very simple operation, don't worry. I'm sure it will be all right."
"She was just trying to comfort you. What's so frightening about that?"
"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Many times when I am troubled or confused...
Many times when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort in sitting in my back yard and having a v**... Martini along with a quiet conversation with Jesus.
This happened to me again after a particularly difficult day. I said "Jesus, why do I work so hard?"
And I heard the reply: "Men find many ways to demonstrate the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather."
I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil."
And the reply was: "No, the LOVE of money is the root of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad".
I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning question, so I asked it. "Jesus," I said, "what is the meaning of life? Why am I here?"
He replied: "That is a question many men ask. The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone. I would love to chat with you some more, Señor, but for now, I have to finish your lawn."
Future rap name: 50 Bitcoin
That's all, the punchline was in the title; however, this sentence is here to comfort you and let you know that it's totally normal that you clicked to see if there was anything else.
Gabe Newell and Bill Gates should get together.
Not only would there be some epic games, they could comfort each other's inability to count.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Now you can handle those n**... cuts from the comfort of your home...
... with "Suture Self".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There was a boy with lung cancer...
One day a priest came to visit the boy in the hospital. The Priest sat on the boy's side to comfort him and pray. Soon, the boy was unable to breathe. Acting quickly the priest grabbed a pen and paper to gather the boy's last words. Days later at the f**..., the priest read the boys last words and it read " Dear Father Dave, you are on my oxygen tube."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm not comfortable with my sexuality...
but luckily I have a discomfort f**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I found I out I was concieved at my grandmothers f**......
Appearently, my Mum was trying comfort him. s**... mourning wood.
It's okay if you're not comfortable with Soylent Green yet
It grows on you.
Statistician on a plane
A statistician told a friend that he never took airplanes: "I have computed the probability that there will be a bomb on the plane," he explained, "and although this probability is low, it is still too high for my comfort. " Two weeks later, the friend met the statistician on a plane. "How come you changed your theory?" he asked. "Oh, I didn't change my theory; it's just that I subsequently computed the probability that there would simultaneously be two bombs on a plane. This probability is low enough for my comfort. So now I simply carry my own bomb. "
Today morning I ate an unhatched chick
Just to bring any comfort and optimism to everyone, I had the unhatched chick sunny side up.
~Original
First I wasn't really comfortable with the fact that I had cancer
But then it grew on me
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a cocktail of v**..., orange juice, sloe gin, and southern comfort?
A slow, comfortable, screw.
How do you comfort and annoy someone who is a stickler for grammar at the same time?
Give them a reassuring pat on the shoulder and say "their their."
I just got offered a new position at work that I need to consider.
I got called into my boss's office for standing around too much at work. He said "please take a seat."
I told him I'll have to think about it. While it gives me a lower profile in the company, I'll have a greater comfort level in what I'm doing.
A little girl in charlottesville cries after the violence she's seen, I try to comfort her: "There there...
it's alt right"
They say the inventor of yoga pants had comfort in mind
But I like to think he had posterior motives.
I tried comforting the jilted bride by reminding her...
"At least the wedding went off without a hitch."
What do you call doing sit-ups in the comfort of your own home?
Domestic ab use.
Medical bills are expensive
but let's take comfort that it isn't like the civil war era. Doctors would charge an arm and a leg back than
What's the most comfortable empire?
The Ottoman Empire.
And much like that one, I'll see myself out now.
A Statistician Refuses to Fly
His friend asks him, "Why do you have this irrational fear of flying?"
"Irrational?" the statistician replies, "Not at all. I've merely calculated the odds of a bomb being placed on a plane and it's much too high for my comfort."
A few days later, the friend boarded a flight only to find the statistician sitting in the seat next to you. "What happened? Have the odds changed?" the man asked.
"No, the odds of a bomb being on a plane haven't changed. But I calculated the odd of two bombs being on a plane, and I found those odds much more acceptable. So now I just bring my own."
Little Suzy was upset and crying...
"What's wrong?" Asked her mother
"We learnt about the moon landing today." Said Suzy
"What's upsetting about that, I was a great American achievement." The mother explained
"Yeah but our teacher said that because of the sun the flag would turn white" Suzy sobbed out
"Yes that's because of the UV rays, why does that matter?" Said the mother trying to comfort her
Suzy explained her reasoning "Because if something happens to our records, people in the future will think that it wasn't us that went but the French."
Every day when I get home from work I kiss my front door, then I cuddle one of the walls, and I comfort a few of the windows.
It's a detached house.
Children in florida during the hurricanes,
They all got free swimming lessons in the comfort of their home.
What do you tell a person who is trying to learn guitar but is failing to comfort him/her?
Don't fret about it
What's the most comforting seafood?
Cuddlefish.
What's the comfort support of choice for women's bras?
Mammary Foam
BREWER: We're sorry to inform you Mrs. O'reilly that your husband drowned today at the Guinness factory
WIFE: Well at least give me the comfort in knowing it was a quick death
BREWER: well he drowned in only 15 minutes, short considering he got out of the keg twice to pee
If you're ever lost in the woods, just look up at the sky for the North Star.
Its twinkling will comfort you as you die.
A stressed Referee goes to a psychologist
He breaks down in front of the doctor, complaining about feeling depressed, and loathed, always disappointing somebody no matter what he does. The doctor is highly sympathetic, and offers comfort - "It must be so hard, I'm glad you came to me. I can help" The doctor starts writing something on a piece of paper and says "Go to this address, and tell the optometrist I sent you".
How did the gang leader comfort the little girl?
He said "We are only ten too."
I'll never fly delta again.
I tried to board with two dead comfort cats and they said I could only have one carrion.
The World Wildlife Fund has stated that if humans keep fishing at the current pace, there will be no more fish left in the oceans by 2048.
Which is going to make it really difficult to comfort someone who is going through a relationship break-up.
My buddy was lately depressed as he found out that he wasn't planned and his parents didnt really want him, I tried to comfort him and said:
"Dont worry, accidents happen"
I comforted my depressed friend.
I said, Sometimes, you just got to stop and breathe in the air.
He said, Yeah, like all the time.
A New Gadget
Bob came home looking utterly wretched and buried his head in his hands.
I've been sacked, he told his wife.
After 35 years of doing the same job, day in, day out, I have been replaced by an electronic gadget the size of a flashlight.
And the awful thing is, he continued, I can't fault it. It can do everything I can do, and do it better, and it will never wear out!
Bob looked up for comfort but his wife had gone. She was down at the shops looking to buy one.
What do you say to comfort your non-binary friends after they get misgendered?
Their their
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife is p**... off at me...
She told me how unhappy she is with her c-section scar and I tried to comfort her. Apparently "honey, don't worry, your t**... will cover it up" was not the right answer.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman wakes up on the morning of her wedding anniversary and her husband wasn't there.
It was 2.00am and she was concerned. She searched the house until finally she found him in the basement sobbing uncontrollably.
She tried to comfort him and asked, "honey, what's the matter? "
Between sobs he answers, "Do you remember when your dad the cop caught us, underage, making out in your room?
And he threatened that if I didnt marry you immediately he would make sure I got 20 years in jail?"
"Yeah, I remember," she answered.
He sobbed, "I would have gotten out of jail today...."
Some philosopher said Change does not come from a place of comfort. , but he was wrong.
I'm always finding loose coins in my couch.
