Comedians Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

What's a comedians least favorite drink?

Booze

How do you tell the difference between good Comedians and bad ones?

The Bad ones Punch up the screwline.

What do you call a group of senior Japanese comedians?

Comic Sans

There was a comedy club called "The Joke"...

...that had amazing popularity. It wasn't because of the humor the comedians on stage offered, but due to an extremely delicious fruit punch that the establishment sold. It was so popular that people would gather into a queue around the block just to try the stuff. After a while, however, people stopped coming because of the crowding, and the club went out of business. If only the Joke's punch line wasn't so long...

I wrote a joke for a stand-up routine that I'll never get to do.

Being a comedian is tough. Even when you write your own material, everyone accuses you of stealing from other comedians.

Jokes about airline food? Observational comedy? "You got that from George Carlin!"

One liners? "You can't do that, Mitch Hedberg does that!"

You tell a joke that sucks? "You definitely stole that from Dane Cook!"

Heard this one from one if my favorite comedians...

I'll leave out the little bit of backstory.

A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law are in a car driving down a highway near Miami.

A cop, who has been following him for quite some time, pulls him over to the side of the road.

The cop walks up to him and says "I've been watching you drive for the past couple of miles here, and you've shown excellent driving skills. You see, every month we have a $500 reward for the best driver. Today's your lucky day!"

So, as promised, the cop brings the man $500, and asks "So what are you going to do with all the money you won?"

To which the man replies "I'll probably use it to get my license."

The wife quickly intervenes, saying "Don't listen to him! He always talks crazy when he's drunk!"

The mother-in-law then says "I told you we'd get in trouble in a stolen car."

Tip: if you don't want comedians weighing in on politics....

...don't elect a joke.

(Credit to Bo Burnham)

Terrorists make the worst comedians.

They always bomb.

They say jokes lessen tragedy

Is that why my parents became comedians after having me?

When my grandfather came to America he was told the streets were paved with gold

And when he got to America he found out three things:

1. That the streets were not paved with gold
2. That the streets were not paved
3. That he was gonna be the guy paving them

[old Shelley German joke, told by Lorne Michaels in Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee]

Why are there so few gay comedians?

It's hard for them to keep a straight face.

A man was shot dead today by police after attempting to steal a comedians notebook.

Some people just can't take jokes!

Why aren't there any muslim stand-up comedians?

Because they keep bombing.

What do comedians do when they get tired of doing standup comedy?

Sitcoms

Why do muslim comedians always get tons of laughs?

Cause nobody wants them to bomb the show.

Alcoholics should become unfunny comedians

all the free boos they could ask for

Why are artists the only guys who can sleep with comedians?

Because drawing is the only way to make a comic strip.

What caused the Great depression?

A lack of comedians

That's it, I'm done dating comedians...

I don't want to get lol'd into a false sense of security again.

Who are the best comedians?

Feminists.

John Wilkes Booth is one of history's greatest stand-up comedians

I heard he really killed at Ford's Theatre.

How do comedians stay in shape?

They do set ups.

I fell asleep listening to comedians do stand up.

I woke up feeling funny.

Donald Trump goes to a bar and tells a joke

"Seriously, I have the best jokes. I know some comedians, and let me tell you, they say I've got the best jokes."

"Ok, let's hear one."

"When I tell a joke, the whole crowd laughs. Seriously, I've got the best jokes."

You can now order bad comedians off the internet.

They have one weak delivery.

I think Magnitude 10 earthquakes are the best comedians

They can make the whole world crack up.

A boy walks in on his parents having sex in the bedroom...

Dad says that he and mommy are just having fun and he'll tuck in his son in 20 minutes.

After 15 minutes the father hears screaming from his son's room. He opens the door and sees the boy having sex with his grandma. The boy looks at his father judgementally saying: It's not so funny when it's your mother, is it?

Bob Einstein in Comedians in Cars Getting Coffe

I use to plagiarize comedians.

I still plagiarize comedians, but I use to, too.

What do you call two comedians in love in the USSR?

Rom-Comrades

My grandpa says, "Comedians are too dark and don't tell set-up punchline jokes anymore."

So, a suicidal teen walks into a car.

Why do people with a gluten allergy usually make for pretty funny comedians?

Because they always have silly acts.

The newest big disruption

Comedians are getting more and more competition from Politicians

Statistics...

97% of comedians have a percentage based joke about statistics

Comedians are often sad clowns

Like their jokes, they tend to be tearable.

What is a terrible comedians favorite food ?

Puncakes

I have a couple jokes about unsuccessful comedians.

Too bad none of them are funny.

A German once asked Robin Williams why there are no funny German comedians

Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?

What is the difference between comedians and terrorists?

Comedians don't intentionally bomb on stage.

What do you call a comedians erection?

His funny bone

Comedy club challenge

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead enter a comedy club challenge where they have to not laugh at the comedians best jokes. With a prize of £10,000 they set off with their best poker faces.

The first comedian enters the stage and tries his joke with a funny accent and the brunette laughs and gets disqualified. Just the blonde and the redhead left now.

When the second comedian tells his joke and the redhead is trying her best to hold back a laugh and but ends up letting it out. There's only the blonde left now and as the final comedian walks up to the stage the blonde bursts out into laughter.

He says angrily "oh come on! I never even got to tell my joke.. Why did you laugh? "

"I just got the first one" she replied after calming down.

Headline: Comedians are now outlawed...

In more news, Amy Schumer has a show tonight

3 comedians

Three comedians are shooting the breeze at the back of a nightclub after a late gig. They've heard one another's material so much, they've reached the point where they don't need to say the jokes anymore to amuse each other, they just need to refer to each joke by a number. Number 37! cracks the first comic, and the others break up. Number 53! says the second guy, and they howl. Finally, it's the third comic's turn. 44! he quips. He gets nothing. Crickets. What? he asks, Isn't 44 funny? Sure, its usually hilarious, they answer. But the way you tell it sucks

Why do Eyeballs Make Great Comedians?

Because they are filled with vitreous humor!

Giraffes can never be successful comedians...

Their humor goes way over your head. 😐

Comedians have found a new way to recycle old material

It's called Amy Schumer

Two comedians are walking on a street

"Are you more of a set-up or punch-line kind of person?", asks the first.

The second replies: "Oh, definitely a set-up person."

How do comedians draft their shows?

Pun on paper.

What do programmers and stand-up comedians have in common?

Both beta-test their scripts.

I went to comedy show where all the comedians are dead.

They were telling some posthumorous jokes.

I went to this party full of stand up comedians

The only way to get a drink was to wait for the punch line.

One of my favorite comedians

Bill 1/sec(B)

Wanna know why there's no comedians in ISIS?

They all bomb as soon as they get onstage

Why do comedians always have such bad sleeps?

Because they fall asleep funny!

An artist was producing an exhibit featuring portraits of famous black comedians...

He couldn't get a copyright however, due to his collection containing Pryor art.

It would be funny if we discover there are inhabitants on the comet...

they would be comedians.

Did you guys hear about the mob of comedians?

It was a riot.

How many comedians does it take to change a light bulb?

Dunno. Never been able to get them past the question.

What do comedians put outside their house on Halloween?

'Pun-kins'

Why do comedians hate noble gasses?

They give no reaction.

Kids who grew up watching Seinfeld must have had great ambitions to become comedians.

And failed.

what makes Polish comedians so funny?

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TIMING!

A construction crew was converting an old road near a chicken coupe back to farmland...

Comedians slaughtered the construction crew, and the jokes continued.

How do you fit 5 comedians into a VW Beetle?

2 in front, 2 in back & Richard Pryor in the ashtray.

What are the funniest comedians jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Comedians? Well, here are the best Comedians puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Comedians pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes