Comedian Jokes

Following is our collection of yakov puns and comedic one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Comedian jokes for adults, dirty heckler jokes and clean entertainer dad gags for kids.

The Best Comedian Puns

Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of sexual assault

After allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been fisting them for decades.

Just look up his Youtube channel if you want to see evidence of this abuse. Millions have just sat by and watched while these poor souls suffered through tremendous pain right in-front of them.

When she was growing up, everybody laughed when Amy Schumer said she wanted to be a comedian...

Nobody's laughing now.

They used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a comedian.

Well they're not laughing now!

What's a comedians least favorite drink?

Booze

When Amy Schumer was a child, people laughed at her when she said she'd be a comedian

No one's laughing now.


People use to laugh at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian

Well, no one is laughing now.

Everybody laughed at me when I said I was going to be a standup comedian.

They're not laughing now.

When I was a kid everyone laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian...

well no ones laughing now.

They laughed at me when I said I will become a comedian

Well, they are not laughing now.

I told my boss that I'm quitting my job to become a comedian.

He said, "You can't be serious."

I said, "I know."

My 4 year old is a comedian and loves jokes.. this is her favorite one...

Why did the banana go to the hospital?


Because he wasn't peeling very well.


When i told my friends i was going to be a comedian they laughed at me.

They're not laughing now.

I'm halfway through becoming a stand up comedian

I can stand up, now all I need is comedy

The punchline comes first.

How can you be sure that a comedian has traveled back in time?

Everyone knows comedian Bill Burr, most don't realize he has a huge family with lots of talent.

His mother, Barb, is a famous hair stylist.

Rob, his brother is in jail for theft.

His sister Cally is a great gunsmith.

Lastly, don't forget about his cousin the famous lumberjack, Tim.

Why Did The Alcoholic Comedian Quit Performing?

He couldn't handle the boos.

When they start with the punchline.

How do you know if your friend is a bad comedian?

Whata country..

You might remember comedian Yakov Smirnoff. When he first came to the United States from Russia he was not prepared for the incredible variety of instant products available in American grocery stores.

He says, "On my first shopping trip, I saw powdered milk -- you just add water, and you get milk. Then I saw powdered orange juice -- you just add water, and you get orange juice. And then I saw baby powder, and I thought to my self, "What a country!"

What are your best "If I had ____ for every time..." jokes?

Two of my favorites are:

1. "If I had a dollar for every existentialist moment I've ever had...Does money even matter?" - Can't remember the comedian.
2. "If I had a quarter every time a hobo asked me for spare change, I'd still say no" - Bo Burnham


Being a comedian is really bad for my anxiety

Whenever I'm on stage people keep laughing at me

I broke up with my girlfriend by text last night, it went pretty ugly...

She got up from the couch, started beating me with her phone...

A boy talks to his mother about what he hopes to become.

The boy said, "Mom? I have something to tell you"

"Go ahead", the mother said. "I promise not to laugh."

*The boy wanted to be a comedian.*

Whats red, looks like a bucket, shaped like a bucket and holds water?

A red bucket.

Whats blue, looks like a bucket, shaped like a bucket and holds water?

A red bucket in disguise.

My 8 year old son...the comedian.

Who is Greta Thunbergs favorite comedian.

Amy schumer because she recycles all her jokes!

I told a girl a joke.

She said, "Don't quit your day job."

I said, "Thanks, I'm a comedian."

Two pregnant women are talking about their future babies

"I feel like my girl will be an athlete, she kicks so much in there it's unbelieavable!"

"Oh, I'm sure mine will be a comedian."

"How can you be so sure?"

"You wouldn't get it. It's an inside joke."

A Man "Walks in" on his son.

A man walks in on his son and finds him jerking off. The father looked at his son and said "Son, if you keep doing that, you'll go blind!" The boy looked backed at his dad and said "Dad, i'm over here."

(I heard a comedian tell this joke but I don't remember who.)

I told my mom I wanted to become a stand up comedian.

She laughed.

As a blind comedian, I've been trying to understand my audience.

But who am I kidding?

Have you heard about the jewish comedian?

They say he Israeli funny.

I once told my parents I wanted to be a comedian

They laughed. Parents are so supportive...

A comedian was getting attacked for his routine being too sexist

So, he replaced the word "women" with "white, rich, republican women". The audience stopped complaining.

I told everyone I was going to be a comedian

And they all laughed at me. Now I'm a comedian, and they're not laughing anymore.

I booked an hotel in kenya on walking distance from the beach...

You can't imagine how far those kenyans will walk.
[source: philip geubels, Belgian comedian]

Why don't comedians like being quarantined?

They can only make inside jokes.

A stand-up comedian tells a joke about a newly-discovered STI that takes ten years to show symptoms.

\* Slow clap *

I went on a blind date the other day...

...it didn't start that way, but she brought pepper spray.


*Credit to America's Got Talent comedian (I don't remember his name)

What's the difference between a straw and a Dutch comedian?

One is a hollow cylinder, the other is a silly Hollander.
I'll see myself out.

I'm a comedian with muscular dystrophy

I'll be here all weak

They said being blind would hinder my chances of becoming a comedian.

I don't see them laughing now.

Comedian Lee Nelson threw money at Sepp Blatter at a FIFA conference as a protest.

It backfired as he now has to host the 2026 World Cup in his back garden.

Nobody takes my decision to be a comedian seriously.

Whenever I tell a joke people just laugh at me.

When an artist covers another artist's song, it's flattering. When a comedian tells another comedian's joke, it's

Carlos Mencia

Ever hear the joke about the insecure comedian?

...it's okay, you probably wouldn't have liked it, anyway.

The average person is really mean

sorry if I didn't make you laugh, I'm not a co***median***

I quit being a stand up comedian...

Every time I performed people would just laugh at me

A good comedian is like a good dictatorship.

Consistent in their execution.

Louis C.K. is the hardest working comedian in the business

He literally built and ended his own career with his bare hands.

I've always wanted to be a comedian...

But I have a tremendous fear of being laughed at.

When Amy Schumer was a kid, people laughed when they heard she wanted to be a comedian.

No one's laughing now.

When you put the punchline before the rest of the joke.

How do you know when you're a bad comedian?

Did you hear about the mosquito comedian?

He was malarious.

Why did the comedian go to doctor?

Because the audience gave him the clap

Being a 6'3 comedian...

a lot of my jokes revolve around short people. However, after receiving multiple complaints, ive decided to stop making short jokes now.

I'm above that.

They say a woman's work is never done.

Maybe that's why they get paid less.

All credit to Sean Lock comedian.

I said my dream was to become a comedian...

Everyone just laughed at me.

A fantastic joke from local English comedian Tony Wallace

A man rings his gran and asks how her doctor's appointment went.

"He hit on you? No Gran, I'm sure he was just being nice."

A few seconds pause.

"No Gran, he said you had acute angina."

What's a ho's favorite vegetable?

Her peas

[Got this from a comedian at The Improv last night. Forgot his name.]

What does the comedian say to his children on his deathbed?

"No one will appreciate your jokes once you're *dad.*"

People always asked me why I made puns.

I told them that we live in a world where a comedian either climbs to be a legend or lives long enough to start using puns... and I chose the ladder.

Why didn't the alcoholic became a comedian?

Because he couldn't stand up.

Statistical inference joke - why are two medians in a single data set funny?

Because it's a co-median ^_^

I wanna become a musical comedian

Sadly, none of my jokes are noteworthy...

Did you hear about the pizza boy who wanted to become a comedian? (OC)

His material is terrible, but his delivery is amazing!

When she was a child, Amy Schumer told her class she wanted to be a comedian. Her classmates laughed at her.

Nobody's laughing now...

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a stand-up comedian.

Well, no one is laughing now.

Accidentally told a joke at work today

Lost a bet and had to grow a mustache.

Co-worker: "Hey booskadoo247, how do you like your mustache?"

booskado247: "It's growing on me."

Accidental Comedian strikes again!

Every knows about comedian Bill Burr.

Many have not heard of his lumberjack brother Tim, he is one of the best in the world.

A comedian was hired to cheer up a group of suicidal patients.

I hear his jokes killed.

When I was growing up, we didn't have a sandbox, we had a quicksand box.

I was an only child....eventually.

(From my favorite comedian: Steven Wright)

My friends and family laughed when I told them I wanted to be a comedian.

Well, they aren't laughing now.

My friend at the UPS really wants to be a comedian..

... but he has a lot of work to do on his delivery

What do you call a female comedian?

not funny

A short joke.

If a former 80's Russian comedian went out and bought some off-brand vodka. Would that be Yakov Smirnoff buying knock-off Smirnoff?

When I was growing up , everybody laughed at me for wanting to be a comedian

Well, no one is laughing now

There is an abundance of hilarious jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 75 funniest jokes and comedian puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any joke witze you can hear about comedian.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes