The Best 79 Comedian Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Comedian jokes. There are some comedian comedic jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these comedian entertainer puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Comedian Jokes and Puns

Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of sexual assault

After allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been fisting them for decades.

Just look up his Youtube channel if you want to see evidence of this abuse. Millions have just sat by and watched while these poor souls suffered through tremendous pain right in-front of them.

When she was growing up, everybody laughed when Amy Schumer said she wanted to be a comedian...

Nobody's laughing now.

The punchline comes first.

How can you be sure that a comedian has traveled back in time?

Comedian joke, The punchline comes first.

What's a ho's favorite vegetable?

Her peas

[Got this from a comedian at The Improv last night. Forgot his name.]

When I was a kid everyone laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian...

well no ones laughing now.


I've always wanted to be a comedian...

But I have a tremendous fear of being laughed at.

What are your best "If I had ____ for every time..." jokes?

Two of my favorites are:

1. "If I had a dollar for every existentialist moment I've ever had...Does money even matter?" - Can't remember the comedian.
2. "If I had a quarter every time a hobo asked me for spare change, I'd still say no" - Bo Burnham

Comedian joke, What are your best "If I had ____ for every time..." jokes?

A fantastic joke from local English comedian Tony Wallace

A man rings his gran and asks how her doctor's appointment went.

"He hit on you? No Gran, I'm sure he was just being nice."

A few seconds pause.

"No Gran, he said you had acute angina."

I went on a blind date the other day...

...it didn't start that way, but she brought pepper spray.

*Credit to America's Got Talent comedian (I don't remember his name)

I told my mom I wanted to become a stand up comedian.

She laughed.

I booked an hotel in kenya on walking distance from the beach...

You can't imagine how far those kenyans will walk.
[source: philip geubels, Belgian comedian]

You can explore comedian yakov reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean comedian heckler dad jokes. There are also comedian puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Did you hear about the pizza boy who wanted to become a comedian? (OC)

His material is terrible, but his delivery is amazing!

Accidentally told a joke at work today

Lost a bet and had to grow a mustache.

Co-worker: "Hey booskadoo247, how do you like your mustache?"

booskado247: "It's growing on me."

Accidental Comedian strikes again!

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a stand-up comedian.

Well, no one is laughing now.

When you put the punchline before the rest of the joke.

How do you know when you're a bad comedian?

People always asked me why I made puns.

I told them that we live in a world where a comedian either climbs to be a legend or lives long enough to start using puns... and I chose the ladder.

Comedian joke, People always asked me why I made puns.

What does the comedian say to his children on his deathbed?

"No one will appreciate your jokes once you're *dad.*"

I broke up with my girlfriend by text last night, it went pretty ugly...

She got up from the couch, started beating me with her phone...

My 4 year old is a comedian and loves jokes.. this is her favorite one...

Why did the banana go to the hospital?

Because he wasn't peeling very well.


When i told my friends i was going to be a comedian they laughed at me.

They're not laughing now.

When an artist covers another artist's song, it's flattering. When a comedian tells another comedian's joke, it's

Carlos Mencia

Comedian Lee Nelson threw money at Sepp Blatter at a FIFA conference as a protest.

It backfired as he now has to host the 2026 World Cup in his back garden.

Have you heard about the jewish comedian?

They say he Israeli funny.

Why did the comedian go to doctor?

Because the audience gave him the clap

When they start with the punchline.

How do you know if your friend is a bad comedian?

Statistical inference joke - why are two medians in a single data set funny?

Because it's a co-median ^_^

They used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a comedian.

Well they're not laughing now!

A Man "Walks in" on his son.

A man walks in on his son and finds him jerking off. The father looked at his son and said "Son, if you keep doing that, you'll go blind!" The boy looked backed at his dad and said "Dad, i'm over here."

(I heard a comedian tell this joke but I don't remember who.)

Ever hear the joke about the insecure comedian?

...it's okay, you probably wouldn't have liked it, anyway.

What's a comedians least favorite drink?

Booze

A good comedian is like a good dictatorship.

Consistent in their execution.

Why Did The Alcoholic Comedian Quit Performing?

He couldn't handle the boos.

I told everyone I was going to be a comedian

And they all laughed at me. Now I'm a comedian, and they're not laughing anymore.

They said being blind would hinder my chances of becoming a comedian.

I don't see them laughing now.

Everybody laughed at me when I said I was going to be a standup comedian.

They're not laughing now.

I told my boss that I'm quitting my job to become a comedian.

He said, "You can't be serious."

I said, "I know."

A boy talks to his mother about what he hopes to become.

The boy said, "Mom? I have something to tell you"

"Go ahead", the mother said. "I promise not to laugh."

*The boy wanted to be a comedian.*

I told a girl a joke.

She said, "Don't quit your day job."

I said, "Thanks, I'm a comedian."

Whata country..

You might remember comedian Yakov Smirnoff. When he first came to the United States from Russia he was not prepared for the incredible variety of instant products available in American grocery stores.

He says, "On my first shopping trip, I saw powdered milk -- you just add water, and you get milk. Then I saw powdered orange juice -- you just add water, and you get orange juice. And then I saw baby powder, and I thought to my self, "What a country!"

I love dark humor,

my favorite comedian is black.

People use to laugh at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian

Well, no one is laughing now.

I once told my parents I wanted to be a comedian

They laughed. Parents are so supportive...

A comedian was getting attacked for his routine being too sexist

So, he replaced the word "women" with "white, rich, republican women". The audience stopped complaining.

Did you hear about the mosquito comedian?

He was malarious.

A comedian was hired to cheer up a group of suicidal patients.

I hear his jokes killed.

I said my dream was to become a comedian...

Everyone just laughed at me.

Two pregnant women are talking about their future babies

"I feel like my girl will be an athlete, she kicks so much in there it's unbelieavable!"

"Oh, I'm sure mine will be a comedian."

"How can you be so sure?"

"You wouldn't get it. It's an inside joke."

Louis C.K. is the hardest working comedian in the business

He literally built and ended his own career with his bare hands.

Being a comedian is really bad for my anxiety

Whenever I'm on stage people keep laughing at me

I quit being a stand up comedian...

Every time I performed people would just laugh at me

What's the difference between a straw and a Dutch comedian?

One is a hollow cylinder, the other is a silly Hollander.
I'll see myself out.

I'm halfway through becoming a stand up comedian

I can stand up, now all I need is comedy

A stand-up comedian tells a joke about a newly-discovered STI that takes ten years to show symptoms.

\* Slow clap *

They laughed at me when I said I will become a comedian

Well, they are not laughing now.

I'm a comedian with muscular dystrophy

I'll be here all weak

When Amy Schumer was a child, people laughed at her when she said she'd be a comedian

No one's laughing now.

Whats red, looks like a bucket, shaped like a bucket and holds water?

A red bucket.

Whats blue, looks like a bucket, shaped like a bucket and holds water?

A red bucket in disguise.

My 8 year old son...the comedian.

When Amy Schumer was a kid, people laughed when they heard she wanted to be a comedian.

No one's laughing now.

Nobody takes my decision to be a comedian seriously.

Whenever I tell a joke people just laugh at me.

Why didn't the alcoholic became a comedian?

Because he couldn't stand up.

The average person is really mean

sorry if I didn't make you laugh, I'm not a co***median***

Why don't comedians like being quarantined?

They can only make inside jokes.

They say a woman's work is never done.

Maybe that's why they get paid less.

All credit to Sean Lock comedian.

Being a 6'3 comedian...

a lot of my jokes revolve around short people. However, after receiving multiple complaints, ive decided to stop making short jokes now.

I'm above that.

I wanna become a musical comedian

Sadly, none of my jokes are noteworthy...

Every knows about comedian Bill Burr.

Many have not heard of his lumberjack brother Tim, he is one of the best in the world.

When she was a child, Amy Schumer told her class she wanted to be a comedian. Her classmates laughed at her.

Nobody's laughing now...

Everyone knows comedian Bill Burr, most don't realize he has a huge family with lots of talent.

His mother, Barb, is a famous hair stylist.

Rob, his brother is in jail for theft.

His sister Cally is a great gunsmith.

Lastly, don't forget about his cousin the famous lumberjack, Tim.

Who is Greta Thunbergs favorite comedian.

Amy schumer because she recycles all her jokes!

As a blind comedian, I've been trying to understand my audience.

But who am I kidding?

As a comedian, I see no reason to go on stage

They're just gonna laugh at me.

How does a cannibal comedian practice comedy?

He uses different techniques to probe where the most humerus content is.

I told my guidance counselor i want to be a comedian when im older, and she just laughed at me.

It's going great so far.

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." β€”Henny Youngman

Henry "Henny" Youngman was an English-American comedian and musician famous for his mastery of the "one-liner". 1906 - 1988

Politically correct

I identify as as a comedian
My pronouns are HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE HE

What do comedians eat for breakfast?

Pun-cakes.

What do you call your mother's mother's mother's sister?

Your great antique.

Follow up Joke: what do call your father's father's father? Old as hell.


Both jokes courtesy of the 10 year old comedian in my house.

I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.

The jokes weren't that good, but I liked the execution.

Q. A grammatical comedian wrote a book. What did he title it?

A. ",d"

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the comedian hilarious jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working comedian joke piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes